Breaking news in the Beijing Olympics controversy: They're fixing the toilets. I've prayed for this day (dabs at eye with hankie). It makes sense. The Chinese government realized that if it wants the Olympics to run efficiently, then it needs to address this pressing issue. Simply put, American athletes will put up with a little Tibetan monk gassing, but they refuse to squat!
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Well, it's doesn't feel the start of the baseball season tomorrow morning — jeez, like, 11 hours from now — but it is, in fact, the beginning: The Red Sox and the A's, in the Tokyo Dome, 6 a.m., baseball is here ... kind of.
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A major controversy rocked Japan (but not as hard as Loudness!) when police arrested three sumo wrestlers and their stable master for a hazing incident that resulted in the death of a teenage wrestler (Ed. note — oooof.)to death. Sumo apparently puts its prospective wrestlers through a rigorous training process that includes hazing designed to "toughen" the young soft-bellies up before they waddle into the ring. Rituals included being beaten with sticks and other objects, sometimes severely battering their bodies.
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We like the idea of a major league manager named "Trey." It seems like an oddly informal name for a manager: We imagine them all having grizzled old-guy names, like Whitey, or Miller. But new Royals manager Trey Hillman is fresh off years with the Nippon Ham Fighters, and he's got, like, a new attitude or something. He also left the Japanese league a bit hanging.
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Wednesday, we told you about how a Japanese team was close to signing Sammy Sosa, forcing him to pretend not to be able to speak Japanese. Well, it turns out that the Japanese have had a change of heart, thanks mostly to trans fatty acids.
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For all the talk about how baseball's All-Star Game has become boring and irrelevant, it appears the Japanese All-Star game has figured out how to liven up matters: Aliens in the dugout.
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For the record, we would have done the same thing: Here's a video that's old, but has never appeared here, of pitcher Masanori Ishikawa of the Yakult Swallows, plunking former American major leaguer Tony Batista of the SoftBank Hawks in a Japanese League game. When it appeared that the rather imposing Batista was charging the mound, Ishikawa made his decision and made it quickly; to head for the hills.
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It's impossible not to have a good time watching Brazil, and not just because of the ladies, yeahhh. So far, the Brazilians haven't played that beautiful game we've all expected of them, but it's early, and Ronaldo hasn't lost all his weight yet. Give him time.
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