To help ease the sting of your disappointment, the team will award the first 15,000 fans at tonight's game (i.e., all of them) a plastic toy with an oversized head that slightly resembles the former MVP. (Or maybe his brother if you squint really hard.) Just because the man couldn't crack a .200 average this year is no reason to let all these molded pieces of junk go to waste.

So get there early, Bay Area, and claim your eternal reward. If you love America, the outfield will be littered with severed Giambi heads by the third inning. Go do as you're told.

2009 Promotional Schedule [Oakland A's]

* * * * *

Well, that week ... happened. I think we even got through it without besmirching anyone's virtue too much. If you live in the Northwest Territory be sure to get your Favre on tonight. I'll be back in the morning with several racist diatribes and lots of ill-informed soccer talk. Sunday: The GOD of KO. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

The A's took their former MVP back this spring with semi-open arms, even after Giambi bolted for New York, confessed to juicing, grew a hellacious mustache, then came crawling back seven years later looking for work. But now he's batting .193 with only 24 extra-base hits in 83 games, so they gave him his outright release today. Door, split ya, etc.

It might appear that if even the A's are fed up, Giambi won't be back in a major league uniform anytime soon, if ever. But we've been here before. In 2004, after the BALCO scandal broke—and he was also diagnosed with a tumor—he turned in the worst season of his career. (Remarkably similar to this one, actually.) Many thought then, that minus the 'roids his career was over. The next season, he bashed 32 home runs. In 2007 and the beginning of 2008, he struggled mightily and it looked like his body was failing him again. But he finished last season with 145 games played (his most since '03) and was second on the Yankees in slugging percentage.

Now he stinks again. So will he again find some miracle tonic to rejuvenate his 38-year-old body, or will he slink into the twilight of baseball card shows and Viagra commercials? Only his unlicensed Dominican "barber" knows for sure.

A's release Jason Giambi [San Jose Mercury News]

GQ's Nate Penn did a long feature on Giambi soon after he was the designated big money scapegoat of Major League Baseball for his steroid use. Unlike many of the men still fighting for their reputations and their legacies due to their own ties to PEDs, Giambi admitted it, continued to produce, but still was, in some people's minds, an overpriced failure during his Yankee tenure. Now Giambi's back with the A's, still trying to find that Northern California groove that won him the MVP award back in '00. Thankfully he's still as profanely on the record as he always is. Here are some of the highlights from Penn's interview:

• His "coolest" moment as a Yankee:

Well, definitely the coolest moment was hitting the grand slam (ed. note. Yeah. That was awesome.) against the Twins in the rain a month into my first season in New York. I wanted to do so well at the beginning. When you first go to New York and you struggle, everybody gets all fired up. But you just try too hard. You want to go in there and impress everybody, especially when you're a free agent. Yankee fans remember the guy that used to come in and kill the Yankees. So they want you to do that every day. They're like, "Why isn't this guy hitting a fucking home run every day? Every time he plays the Yankees, he hits a home run!"

• On the time the Yankees tried to void his contract and send him to the minors after the steroid stuff came out:

"[T]hey leaked it to the media, and the media bum-rushed me with it, and that's where I was a little fucking pissed. Rather than calling me in there and talking to me about it. But I went in there and sat down with Joe Torre and Brian Cashman, and I told them just, "No fuckin' chance." I knew I could hit, and I knew I was going in the right direction. I had a lot of confidence in myself, and I knew that I was gonna come out of it."

• On Roger Clemens' magical hot testicle ointments:

"I've seen some of it drip onto his balls. He lubes. I've never seen a guy wear more hot shit on the planet. The guy's basically in a jock and a pair of socks and like head to toe in hot shit. That's no bullshit."

• Would he try magical hot testicle ointments?:

No, I would fucking cry. The stuff that he used to put on his body-even his hot tanks were like molten lava. He would get in the hot tank before the games, and it was like a cauldron. One time I put my foot in there, my skin almost fell off my foot, it was so hot.

Jason Giambi, ladies and gentlemen!

Jason Giambi Goes Home [GQ]

******

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. And do yourself a favor — go see "The Story Of Anvil." Metalhead or not, you will love this movie and you will weep. Like, a long, manly weep, though. You know, with tears of blood and wall-punching. Seriously — it's amazing. So support them.

• The Eyes Of Texas Are Upon You. Of course, losing Bradley means that the Rangers need to find another head case impact player, and Manny Ramirez pretty much fits the bill. [All Headline News]

• Former Alaska Goldpanner Headed To A's. Everyone welcome the prodigal son, Jason Giambi, back to Oakland ... hopefully sans certain banned chemicals and ointments. The only thing we want to see in that suitcase is underwear and a mustache, Jason. [San Francisco Chronicle]

• RIP, Carl Pohlad. Billionaire Twins owner passed away on Monday at age 93. Fun fact: Played football at Gonzaga, where he was recruited by alumnus Bing Crosby. [MLB]

• How Many Times Do I Have To Say No?. Andy Pettitte rejects Yankees latest one year, $10 million offer, but Brian Cashman continues to stand beneath his bedroom window holding a boom box over his head. [New York Daily News]

"There was so much blood the maid probably was wondering where the body was hid," said Giambi, whose third-inning double hiked his RBI total across the past seven games to nine and marked the seventh straight game he has plated at least one run.

If you believe this story doesn't include JD, Mexican prostitutes, and a midget, Sarah Palin's got a bridge to sell you.

Jason loses bout with bathroom door [New York Post]

The 'Stache must be sated. And sated ain't coming from a glass. Seriously though, does Giambi not have a buddy with him to point out that a night never ends well that begins with swilling straight from the bottle of JD? Guess not. We need to see the after pictures. I'm betting Giambi hopped a flight straight to Greece and narrowly avoided arrest for setting up the oral sex contest.

God bless the All-Star break.

TMZ: The Bronx Bomber

In a stunning coup for the Giambi All-Star Campaign the AMI has taken a break from their mission statement of "Protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth, care, and culture of the mustache," to endorse the Yankees slugger.

"It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that Jason Giambi's hitting prowess plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star," said Aaron Perlut, Executive Director of The American Mustache Institute. "Giambi's significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur – indicating great intellect and good looks – make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster."

Powerful lip fur? Thank you for making us all sick Aaron Perlut, thank you indeed.

Jason Giambi has become a 70s porn king. [Deadspin]

We can put it no better than The Sports Hernia:

He's not really looking so much like a state trooper these days, it's more like a guy who would shoot a state trooper dead on the spot for interrupting his car orgy.

Don't you ever change, Jason.

Giambi told Portfolio magazine that when he's slumping, he wears a thong. And that's not the worst of it.

"I only put it on when I'm desperate to get out of a big slump," he tells Portfolio.com. Over the years, the 37-year-old All-Star has left the "golden thong" in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano.



"All of them wore it and got hits," he reports. "The thong works every time."

Considering the Yankees are currently in last place, one wonders how much the thong is being passed around right now. We hope this is one of those one-size-fits-all type thongs; maybe they have a special "juice-sized" thong that they broke out a few years ago but can't use as often now.

Jason Giambi Wears Thong When In Slump [New York Daily News]

• Cruel Shoes. Yeah, yeah, we know; we're leading with the Yankees again, and they didn't even play Thursday. But they're making it too easy! We're not made of stone! Just read this sentence and try not to laugh, smirk, or simply burst into tears: Jason Giambi will be sidelined at least three weeks and possibly far longer after tearing tissue in the arch of his left foot while rounding the bases on a home run. Yes, injured during a home run trot in Tuesday's game with Toronto. Now far be it from us to mock another man's pain, but come on. Oh, and Derek Jeter is now on the DL due to a tragic winking accident. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen and Barry Bonds have weighed in on the Alex Rodriguez popup shouting controversy. You asked us to inform you when that happened, so there you go.

• Now Witness The Firepower Of This Fully Armed And Operational Roy Halladay! Meanwhile, the Blue Jays move on to bigger and better things. Roy Halladay, who was supposed to be out a month following an appendectomy, returned ahead of schedule and under budget, pitching Toronto to a 2-0 win over the White Sox. Halladay made it back in 19 days, notching his 100th career victory as Frank Thomas hit his 495th career homer, and 243rd as a designated hitter, tying him with Edgar Martinez for the most career home runs by a DH.

• Ha Ha Ha HA HA! Whenever the names Lance and Woody are mentioned we think of cartoon woodpeckers. But that's just us. You Astros fans most likely think of Lance Berkman (three-run homer) and Woody Williams (nine strikeouts), who led Houston to a 10-2 win over the Reds.

• The 12-Person Beer Bong Works It's Strange and Terrible Magic. Prince Fielder hit his franchise-record 13th homer of the month, as the first-place Brewers beat the Marlins 4-3.

• Travis Hafner, You're Our LeBron. We suppose it's one of nature's rules that we don't understand, that the Indians must trounce the Tigers on any day that the Cavaliers beat the Pistons. Cleveland improved its home record to 18-4 with the 11-5 win.

When the Yankees lost the World Series in 2001, they responded by signing Giambi to a seven-year, $120 million deal even though, by then, anyone with even a modicum of intelligence figured he was using steroids. Nobody cared, though, because he hit a shitload of home runs, and when you hit a shitload of home runs, someone will give you a guaranteed seven-year contract in the nine digits. When news of Giambi's BALCO grand jury testimony broke, the Yankees explored every option possible to drop his contract, not because they were embarrassed, but because he wasn't hitting and looked lethargic. So, the guy starts doing greenies. Suddenly ... he's energized again, and hitting again. Steroids become less of an issue; after all, he's hitting. He gets to keep his contract, keep his job and sign women's breasts.

We cannot work ourselves up about this new "revelation" that Giambi tested positive for amphetamines. Yes, sure, we all knew he was on something the whole time. If we knew $120 million was on the line, we'd do steroids and amphetamines too. Jesus, who wouldn't?

Jason Giambi Speeds Toward Disaster [Steroid Nation]

• Robin Leach has a blog.

• Vince Neil had a surprise birthday party — he's 46. 46! — at the Palms Fantasy Tower. Attendees included Criss Angel (whom Leach breathlessly describes as "magic's 21st century Houdini!" Seriously, Robin, what happened to you, man?), Dennis Rodman, Jason Giambi and "celebrity colorist" Michael Boychuck.

• Oh, and lest we forget: The Sex Cannon Rex Grossman was there, with Playmates! They were playing blackjack until 2 a.m., at which time they moved to the craps table. There, Grossman took out one of the Playmates' eyes with the dice.

• Seriously, what happened to Robin Leach?

Criss Angel's Brush With Death In Las Vegas [VegasPopular]

(Any mention of the Sex Cannon is required to be accompanied by a reference to where it all started.)

Having just finished "Game Of Shadows" ourselves, we understand the inclination; the book is beyond convincing of not just Bonds' usage, but also Gary Sheffield's, Jason Giambi's, Marion Jones' and, less interestingly, Bobby Estalella. But we're not sure how one would actually pull this off. We're reminded of the old quandary of when Giambi homered off fellow doper Ryan Franklin: Whom are we supposed to hate more again?

For the record, though, in case you were wondering, we think Bonds could probably take Gladwell in a fight.

Forensic Analysis Redux [Malcolm Gladwell's Blog]
We're Not Sure Whom We're Supposed To Hate [Deadspin]

Anyway, a similar, if more understated, story out of Milwaukee over the weekend: Closer Derrick Turnbow, who came out of nowhere to become a bullpen force just last year, signed a three-year, $6.5 million extension with the Brewers.

This is the same Derrick Turnbow who, as an anonymous righthander for the Angels back in 2003, tested positive for steroids right before his major-league breakthrough. Turnbow claimed the positive test was for an over-the-counter drug that was banned by the IOC but not by baseball, and that the whole thing was an accident. Which, while possibly true, is a rather common excuse. Maybe steroids helped Turnbow, maybe they didn't, but no matter what, life has turned out pretty well for the guy. Ask him if, ultimately, he'd do anything different. Would you?

Turnbow Gets Extension [Al's Ramblings]
Turnbow Tests Positive For Steroids [Baseball America]
He Would Do Anything For Love (But He Won't Do Steroids) [Deadspin]

Yankees test tube baby Jason Giambi returned to public life yesterday, appearing at Mt. Sinai Medical Center (where we used to work, coincidentally) and discussing how far he had come since that painful press conference from this time last year.

And then he burped and wiped out the ECU wing.

Jason No Longer Sorry [NY Daily News]

• Jeter, in a shocking betrayal of clubhouse etiquette, says that teammate Jason Giambi is "an easy person to root for and support."
• Owner George Steinbrenner is "like his father," but "more difficult to deal with" but that he's "able to motivate himself."
• His parents love him, he loves them and sometimes he'll tell his mom in the stands — using his eyebrows — that he's going to try to hit a home run for her.

The expose runs Sunday night; your world shall be rocked like it has rarely been rocked previously.

Jeter Speaks On Giambi [CBS News]
Mike Wallace's Dogged Pursuit Of Truth [Deadspin]

Other great shots include surly White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski trying to bed some gals (and failing), Yanks testicle-shriveler Jason Giambi signing some boobs, Al Leiter boozing up with college kids and a rather detailed dissertation on precisely why Red Sox "closer" Keith Foulke is getting divorced. Great stuff.

Not So Blind Items, Part II [On the DL]

As for the movie itself — that's Zeile, by the way, in the above picture, dressed in a way that is not in the slightest gay, if you're asking — it has received horrible reviews, including LA Weekly's Tim Grierson writing, "it never shows real curiosity about its characters pubescent world, instead proffering a bored litany of cum sandwiches, farting geezers and horny blondes rooted in the contemptuous assumption that teenagers have no aesthetic standards." Which kind of sums up Jason Giambi, actually.

Bonds Makes Surprise Appearance At Movie Premiere [MTV.com]
Dirty Deeds Review [LA Weekly]

Does It Count? [Baseball Musings]