Whitlock's become the arbiter of pudginess in the last few months (and Becky-getting-on-ing), first having issue with Serena's ballooning weight and now Mangino's girth. Unlike the Williams column, which seemed unnecessarily cruel considering the woman had just won the U.S. Open, Whitlock suggests Mangino's temper is a direct result of his obesity. Whitlock knows this because he's also a hefty-sized individual who's also struggled with weight problems:

Beyond X's and O's, good coaching is a transference of energy. It takes a massive amount of energy to impact 100 boys on a college campus. At his age (53) and weight, Mangino cannot sustain the necessary energy level to positively influence his players. His team is being engulfed by his negative energy, a dark spirit driven by his excess weight.

And Whitlock stays on this track throughout the column, offering that firing Mangino right now would be the "humane thing to do", as if he's an obese old labrador retriever suffering from hip dysplasia. But he recovers nicely:

If he spent two years away from football addressing his weight problem, applied for a job at 270 pounds, he would be a can't-miss BCS candidate. Heck, he would be a terrific choice to coach in the NFL.

So, if Andy Reid weighed 270 pounds throughout most of his coaching career, the Eagles would have won four Super Bowls by now. I love this logic. The Eagles front office should get Coach Reid a Lap-Band to salvage the season.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry Petchesky, 165-pounds of rompin', stompin' dynamite, blogs through the witching hour.

Usually, it's because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday (except today, because shit went kaplooey on me yesterday and I was out on Friday) until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

At Least He Wasn't Wearing The Tar Heel Mascot Head At The Time

Towards the end of my tenure in Chapel Hill, UNC played NC State down at Ericsson Stadium (now Bank of America Stadium) in Charlotte, in the hopes of a larger stadium getting more fans. It didn't work; we're a basketball school. I forget the exact year (1999, I think) but the game was on a Thursday night and was being called by the Thursday night ESPN crew. Writing for the student newspaper, a couple other writers and photographers and I drove down to cover the game.

Covering a football game is much worse than watching a college football game, because any break you need (food, bathroom, etc.) must be done either really quickly during timeouts (impossible) or during halftime. So, as expected, the bathroom for the press box was a madhouse when the other writers and I went in there during halftime. We were standing in line for the urinals and happened to be right next to a stall. The guy in that stall was taking a dump, and it was not going well for him - all kinds of farts and splashes were coming from there. Then the very forceful grunting started. This guy was really pushing this one out in a hurry. Being the incredible mature college students we were, we all were trying to hold back our laughter. But we each saw that the other was doing the same, and with each successive noise, we all laughed a little harder. Eventually, everyone in the men's room was looking at us with the "Oh grow up" look on their faces.

Well, we heard the toilet paper roll in the stall being used and then the toilet flush. The man walked out and it was none other than Lee Corso. He saw everyone staring at him, waived his hand, and said a loud "Hey guys" to the entire room in a really excited, upbeat tone. Everyone stood frozen and stunned as he washed his hands and then left. As soon as the bathroom door shut, every single person in there burst into hysterical laughter. If only we had known who it was. I'm sure one of us would have tapped on the stall and given a "Not so fast, my friend" to help calm him down in there. I can't watch him on Gameday without that experience being the first thing I think about.

Yes, Viva La Stool

SUBJECT: stool

what fucking state do you homos represent?? what fuckin teams do you represent...i cant even read your SHIT cause it sucks...i can barely see my screen cause i have so many fucking trophys blocking it....suck a dick...viva la stool

Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another

SUBJECT: PS

id rather watch meatspin.com than read deadspin... 8=====D

Now, We're Also Getting Jason Whitlock's Hatemail

Jason,

Up until now, I respected you. However, now that you have come out against Rush Limbaugh on his quest to become a partial owner of an NFL Team, I have to re-think things.

You have repeated things that Rush supposedly said. You DID NOT fact check these things and you now look like a complete FOOL in my eyes! The only racism that exists are from the likes of you and all other liberal sports media that have run with these lies! In the end, you are just another black guy, looking to lampoon the white guy! Yes, that means you are NO DIFFERENT than President Obama (an "OUT & OUT RACIST", and the "INFAMOUS RACE BAITERS", Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton! I REALLY thought you were above this and a better man than this! YOU ARE NO MAN AND I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT YOU! I truly hope the U.S. Citizens (especially the Sports World) remember you for what you are (A TRUE "RACIST") and where you came down on this particular situation! I for one, no longer have ANY respect for you!

Regards,

Eric Miklas

P.S. You Have Shown "YOUR TRUE COLORS" And Now Have Been Proven To Be QUITE TYPICAL!

And one more...

Jason,

I checked out your website ("Deadspin") and would now like to add this,....

If Limbaugh and the "white race" are soooooooo bad, why then are their tons
of pictures of you with WHITE girls hanging all over you?

As I said below, you are "TYPICAL" and you are just another sorry RACIST!

You have now SUNK to the "land of no return" (where Al Sharpton & Jesse
Jackson reside). You will now sow what you reap! "ALL THINGS COME TO
THOSE WHO WAIT". Yours is coming!

Best Regards,

Eric Miklas

He's Mr. ChoochTober That's Why

I was just sent this. I can't explain it, and I'm not sure I want to.

http://icecream4chooch.com/(viaTheFightins)

Emails You Don't Want To Get From The Gawker Office Manager

Hey AJ,

Just to let you know that we cannot see the frog anywhere in the tank.

We can hear the crickets going all day...gee I hope they did n't eat the frog. LOL

Next time you are in please check it out.

Thanks,

Roxanne

Tebow's Christian Army Revolts

•

I am respectfully writing to say that you should be absolutely embarrassed by your article regarding Tim Tebow being the "Lamb of God". If you had any respect at all for the Bible or Jesus Christ, you would not write such things. I am pretty sure that Tim Tebow himself would also be angry and dismayed by your article and the assertions you are putting forth.

•

Tommy, a little jealous, my friend? Look, if you want to live his life and be Tim Tebow, then give it a try. Writing stuff like that makes you look ever so small. Quoting Luke and John? Yes, you obviously know Jesus as well... er not. Hating Tim Tebow for being either a great quarterback, a great person, or a Christian... I'm thinking it's the last one that's the clincher for you. How's this one. "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." John 15:18. Jesus knew what he was talking about. You don't.

And Craggs Gets Yelled At By The Guy Who Designed AT&T Park (née Pac Bell)

Tommy

I had designed Pac Bell Park while working at Hok Sport in Kansas City and some other sports facilities. I was too happy about your sensational article and even though it may attract some readers due to its negative spin I don't think it will get everyone to hate Pac Bell once they read the article. I got the impression you don't have a clue of the design intent or even why we used red brick or who design the kid park.

I am not sure if you are a drop out architecture student or a very unhappy person who never got a chance to play baseball in the big leagues. Didn't your mother tell you 'if you don't have anything good to say don't say anything.

Randy

Randy Shear
7027 Gaston Parkway Dallas Texas
75214 USA

Ryan Leaf Used To Be Carried In The Arms Of Cheerleaders, Part 97

While in my local library, I found this carved on a table. It's a heart with RYAN LEAF. I guess some people are into 0.0 QB ratings.

And Then There's This Insanity

AJ, THINK OF THE CONVENIENCE OF HAVING BATHROOM PRIVACY JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE. THE BASSROOM SETS UP ON A BOAT, ON THE GROUND OR THE BACK OF A TRUCK IN ABOUT A MINUTE.

MESQUITE, TX —- Cover Your Bass introduces "The Bassroom" the complete portable privacy system that allows you to spend more time on the water fishing by eliminating those inconvenient moments.

Cover Your Bass is the culmination of research and development from innovators Matt and Kirk Smith, a father/son team of fishermen from Texas, who have created the ultimate portable bathroom for your fishing boat and growing lists of other uses.

Aptly named "The Bassroom" this ingenious product fills the need for a portable bathroom system in a market that has been overlooked and neglected for years. With privacy concerns and today's current "eco-friendly" movements, the Bassroom virtually eliminates the possibility of over-exposure from your boat while providing an environmentally safe alternative to lengthy trips back to the loading dock or using the shoreline as a bathroom.

"We've created this product to fill a void that currently exists in today's fishing arena" said Matt Smith, owner and creator of The Bassroom. "In today's world you never know who has a camera or video phone and would enjoy the 10 minutes of fame by posting a video of you "caught in the act" on YouTube or similar social network websites. The price, privacy, and function of The Bassroom provides security and comfort for much less than the cost of embarrassment or possible legal fees for over-exposure while on the lake. With proper care the Bassroom will provide privacy for only pennies a day. Have one on your boat when you need it." says Smith

The entire Bassroom system is stored in two handy transportation bags that can easily be tucked away in your boat until needed. With a total setup time of approximately 60 seconds, you can quickly construct your Bassroom in times of an emergency and leave the unit assembled while you continue fishing or simply fold down and store. Never have to leave your fishing spot, waste time and gas running around looking for a bathroom.
Although created specifically with fishing in mind, the Bassroom is gaining popularity with hikers, campers, bikers, ATVer's, and tailgaters who find the ease of transport and privacy a welcome addition to their trips. The Bassroom is great on the back of a truck for family picnics and outings

"The feedback we have received from customers has shown a wide demographic range from young adventurers to Pro Anglers. The Bassroom is great for privacy, shade and a rain shield for the entire family, including pets." says Smith.

The Bassroom system itself consists of heavy duty 190T polyester material with access doors on both the front and back equipped with over-sized zippers for easy handling. The polyester is waterproof and flame resistant to assure safety and comfort. The waste disposal bags contained in the full Bassroom system are convenient zip-up bags, constructed of a sturdy 2 mil. black plastic material which effectively and safely handle the waste storage and transporting.

Currently priced at only $104.95 plus $15.00 shipping U.S. for the entire system, the Bassroom will provide years of service with proper handling and storage. Visit www.coveryourbass.com for more purchase details, videos, and product reviews from the experts.
PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT OUR PHOTO GALLERY ONLINE — The Bassroom can be set up on a boat, the back of a truck, or on the ground, providing a private bathroom almost anywhere.

The Bassroom System is a must have for the tradesmen too !! Plumbers, electricians, landscape companies, sprinkler system companies , brick masons and traveling project managers - think of the convenience of having a bathroom on any job-site in just minutes. BUY ONE FOR YOUR BUSINESS and use it on the weekends for the whole family.

Cover Your Bass (www.coveryourbass.com) Home of the Bassroom is located in Mesquite, Texas providing portable privacy for your boat. 972-849-4868.

FREE TSHIRT OFFER ONLINE — for a limited time

CORSO PHOTO COURTESY OF THE SPENCER HALL DANCING ANIMAL SHOW AT EDSBS

"Nothing turns the sports media green with envy quicker than a date with Big O," writes Whitlock, who is apparently taking a break from his ongoing dissertation on the subject of Strange Tang. He goes on to speculate how other sports media types might draw Oprah's eye (as Whitlock himself once did).

Mike Lupica: His Parting Shot on the next episode of "The Sports Reporters" will touch on the emotional scars he carries from paying his way through Boston College as a human bowling ball in the American Dwarf Bowling Association.

Hank Goldberg: Is quietly circulating audio tapes of voice messages left for Linda Cohn that graphically explain how he got the nickname Hammerin' Hank.

Christine Brennan: Unveils a full-body column mug in USA Today showing off her newly purchased 38 DDs, tummy tuck and blonde hair. Her initial column is titled: "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em."

Jemele Hill: Disappointed by her previous efforts - such as comparing the Celtics to Hitler, urging Packers fans to stone Brett Favre with batteries, blogging about oral sex - Hill claims she was an original member of Milli Vanilli.

Rick Reilly: In a cliche and pointless 800-word column that will be read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons' column, Reilly will reveal how his agent hoodwinked ESPN into a $3-million-a-year contract.

Damn. It's almost as if the man doesn't want to get invited to the ESPYs.

Erin Andrews video scandal: It's all about the O [FoxSports]
Have I Ever Mentioned How Much I Like Jason Whitlock? [Sportress of Blogitude]

Between his new column and his last effort, Whitlock has dropped a series of mind-meltingly elaborate metaphors for what you and I know simply as "humping." To wit:

Gardening:

Personally, I prefer June-December romances, but a blossoming May flower certainly could be fertilized into a special, 28-year-old bouquet by a patient and attentive gardener.

As for the life-experience, station-in-life disparity between a retired millionaire quarterback and a Dave & Buster's waitress, well, let he who has never Captained cast the first hoe.

Locomotion/opiates:

The athlete and the wife know it's a lie on their wedding day. He knows he's on a moving train and he can't jump off. She knows she jumped on that moving train and it never really slowed the whole time they were dating. It might've momentarily stopped, unloaded old passengers and re-boarded new ones, but she knows exactly where the train is headed and has a pretty good estimate on just how many miles are left on the trip.

The desperate hope is the marriage will survive until he retires and then the train will stop for good.

That's the biggest pipe dream going. By the time the train stops, he absolutely loves the ride. He can't sleep without the steady hum of the tracks, the rocking of the compartment, the look and the smell of the new passengers.

Addiction:

He's a full-blown addict in desperate need of his next high when they retire his jersey.

That's why he's hitting on teenagers working the drive-thru window at fast food joints. That's why he's proposing to 22-year-old strippers. He has a habit to feed.

Automobile purchase:

They say it's cheaper to keep her. The truth is, most athletes should never purchase anything. Just test drive. That way, the new car smell they love never goes away.

I honestly have no idea what any of this means, but it all apparently has something to do with the inexorable chase of what Whitlock delicately calls "Strange Tang" (which may or may not be related to getting one's "Becky on"):

Strange Tang is the No. 1 topic of conversation inside a locker room. It's not steroids, the playbook or the next opponent. It's gossip about strip clubs, girls met in soon-to-be-visited cities on Facebook and Myspace and getting drunk.

Don't get him wrong. Whitlock's not judging. This is a man who's done plenty of Captaining, you better believe, and he's not about to start casting hoes at addicts who ride trains and sniff cars. Or something.

*******

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry Petchesky will be on shortly. The revolution is just a t-shirt away.

Well, Jason found a new target this past weekend: our good friend Martellus Bennett. Specifically, Whitlock takes issue with Marty B's Black Olympics clip on YouTube…

There's a backup tight end for the Dallas Cowboys who is doing everything he can possibly do to invite self-promotional controversy…

Now, in the past week, he debuted a video showcasing the "Black Olympics," a Kool-Aid-, fried chicken- and watermelon-eating contest between himself and his brother, a rookie free agent with the Seattle Seahawks… I am not easily offended. Perhaps it's my size and affinity for food, but I take virtually no offense to good-naturedly delivered jokes about food stereotypes. Everybody I know - black or white - loves properly seasoned fried chicken.

I don't know about you, but I don't even need proper seasoning to enjoy friend chicken. You could season it with anthrax and I'd still devour it. Anyway, back to Whitlock's rambling…

Watermelon is extremely healthy and very tasty. And it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I kicked my Kool-Aid habit.

When people e-mailed me on Friday asking what I thought of Bennett's "Black Olympics," I didn't know what to think.

I wasn't offended. I was sad. I grew even sadder throughout Friday and Saturday as it became apparent to me that Bennett's grab for controversy was being ignored.

Let's pause right here. So Whitlock starts off his column by trashing Marty B for inviting attention to his antics, but then professes sadness that people failed to pay attention to his antics. I think that merits a solid, "Juh?" But we've only begun to plumb the depths of Whitlock's increasingly unhinged attacks.

I've reluctantly made peace with the fact that black comedians and rappers can make millions of dollars shouting the N-word and lampooning/promoting negative black stereotypes.

If Barack Obama made use of the N-word a death-penalty offense, commercial rap music would disappear and nearly every black comedian would have to rewrite their material.

Oh, let's do it, then. Perfectly sane idea.

My point is I understand the economic impact of outlawing our (black) self-hate.

What I don't understand is when and why it became OK for a black athlete to milk the same cow.

I assumed that Bennett's "Black Olympics" would cause an uproar among the groups that claim to stand against just this kind of racial exploitation.

But Whitlock, isn't it better that NO ONE gave a shit about the video? Do you really want people ginning up outrage and giving Marty B more attention than you believe he deserves?

I like Whitlock, and 99% of the time he writes shit that's more interesting than pretty much any other sportswriter out there. In fact, I'm sure those are his exact marching orders from FOX. "Hey Jason. Go write some crazy shit that people will notice." But his efforts to stir up controversy now seems to scream, "OPRAH! HAVE ME BACK ON!" It's a neat little bit of irony, given that Whitlock is chastising Marty B for drawing unwarranted attention to himself while using his column to more or less do the exact same thing.

I emailed Marty B and his manager for comment on Whitlock's article, but they never got back to me. However, Marty B did respond to the criticism on Michael Irvin's radio show, apparently emerging from his appearance without Irvin having stabbed him in the neck with scissors. Some clips…

I don't really think it's offensive. It depends on your sense of humor and how you look at things. We were just having fun and it was very funny for me and my brothers, when I look at it I just can't stop laughing. If someone takes offense, I apologize. That wasn't my intention. It was just us having fun. Some people like what you do and some people don't. Always in life, anything you do, someone is going to have a different opinion than what you have…

I'll get criticized regardless. I don't do it to get crities (sic) or people say it's me fighting ot (sic) get attention, but it's not. ...It's just me being me. That's why I have Marty B TV for the fans to see what type of person I am outside of football. ...In my spare time I like to have fun and make these youtube videos. We're just having fun.

Now obviously, I have some bias in this argument. But doesn't Bennett sound like the sane person in this fight? "Hey, we decided to fuck around and make a stupid video. If people don't like it, oh well." Sounds like a perfectly rational rebuttal to me. Much more so than, "Hey everyone! Pay more attention to this camera hog so that we'll finally realize how much we black people hate ourselves and do something to correct it!" That argument's a bit of a stretch, particularly when you used column space the week before to call Serena Williams fat and lazy.

Then again, I am a white person. And like Leitch, there's a very good chance I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about when it comes to bojanglin' matters such as these. Perhaps the best way to settle this fight is to turn to the most democratic, articulate, and diverse group of voices in the world… YouTube commenters.

house niggers, always shucking and jiving for white people.

Why that dude isn't on welfare and instead makes a big paycheck is the American tragedy ! !

how bout a white olympics? who can snitch the most, who can bitch the most, and who is the most stuck up.

Thats great, I've got a few events in mind. the 40 OZ. Chug a lug - Crack pipe relay - Run to the mailbox for the government check, Most kids by different fathers, etc, etc. LOL

Uh oh. We may not settle this thing for a while.

UPDATE: Video response to Whitlock from the Marty B camp. Complete with handy screengrab! "He's a cross between Al Sharpton and Sean Hannity, if ever was a person." Indeed.

The premise of this Whitlockian screed was to, I guess, provide ample evidence about how Serena falls short of being an enduring icon because she consistently underachieves: "With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks." There were many ways to construct this column but, Whitlock, God bless his feisty little heart, decided to once again let his id grab the wheel.

Let's parse:

• "She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands...[S]eriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches?"

• "And you probably think I don't like Serena. You're wrong. I love her. She's the main reason I watch tennis. She's fascinating. Her power and skill are breathtaking. And when she's in shape, she's every bit as sexy as Beyonce."

• "During this year's Wimbledon, Serena and Safina played Court 2 while hot, lesser stars battled on Centre Court. Safina can blame genetics for her fate. Serena only has herself to blame. God gave Serena everything, including drop-dead looks...She's chosen to smother some of it in an unsightly layer of thick, muscled blubber, a byproduct of her unwillingness to commit to a training regimen and diet that would have her at the top of her game year-round. "

• "Right now I'd put on Serena on par with Paris Hilton. I know that's harsh. Serena's accomplishments are far more substantive than Hilton's. But Paris Hilton doesn't have one discernible skill (that I can publish in this column without earning it an R rating). Hilton's monumental overachievement is her accomplishment of becoming a celebrity."

So he went down that blubbery road and it was quicklinked on Jezebel yesterday so, obviously, theircommenters were not too supportive of his opinion::

•" I know I should come up with something intelligent or thoughtful in response to this piece of shit's article, but I'd rather just punch him in the face. HARD!

Hold me back, y'all, HOLD ME THE FUCK BACK!!!"

•"The only thing he is provoking is me having an aneurysm.

I suspect he has a very tiny penis. "

• "I just read it and I'm almost sick. He should be fired. Nasty fat fuck."

• "OK, so aside from all the other idiocy in the article, I am a bit confused about how either "stuffed onion," or "oozing pumpkin" are apt descriptions of a round butt? Maybe he needs to work on his metaphors before he complains about how other people do their jobs?"

And we're off! Anyway, his point is this: you cannot be the best ever and Rosa Parks with an oozing-pumpkin butt. The end.

Serena could be the best ever, but...[Fox Sports]

What has Jason so ornery this week is the arbitrary dress code enforced by some clubs in Kansas City (well, everywhere actually), which he believes are geared toward de-thugging the patronage. For some reason, Whitlock was singled out by the bouncers at The Shark Bar even though he was wearing this outfit:

"I had on custom-made, black linen, crepe-weave shorts with a matching Tommy Bahama-style button-up shirt, black dress sandals and a black Kangol hat.

So he was dressed as Sam Jackson at a celebrity golf tournament and still got hassled. Bad move, Shark Bar. But Jason, cooler than creme fresh at a cucumber party (no idea why I just did that), just ignored it and wanted to walk out. His buddies, however, weren't satisfied. They demanded an explanation:

Russ and Troy politely bickered with the Shark Bar security and manager for about 10 minutes. They were told my shorts were "sagging" below my knees. Troy explained that he made the shorts to hang below the knees and the shorts were no longer than the Old Navy shorts worn by the club's bouncer. Then they were told that my shirt being untucked was a problem and that it was against club policy for my 23-inch white gold chain to hang outside my shirt.

Eventually the manager relented and allowed us to go in if I would tuck my necklace inside my shirt.

Once inside, we discovered all three of us were inappropriately dressed. We looked far too professional and classy. Seriously. That is not arrogance. The young, mostly white people inside the club dressed the way we did when we were young and financially strapped.

Oh man. Anyway, Jason eventually got into the club, because they finally realized who he was and who he wrote for, and didn't want to aggravate him any more. He still wrote about it, though!

Here's a memo to all club owners, stadiums, restaurants, hardware stores, swim clubs, or any other business that Jason Whitlock and his custom-made $500 shorts might walk into: just let him be.

Dress code — not Jazzy Jeff — is P & L's real problem [Kansas City Star]

Okay, not quite. Her parents were hippie drifters who occasionally did some light hoboing. But that's good enough for me. Selena and I also talk about the criticism her book has received, particularly from Murray Chass and Jason Whitlock. Roberts believes that Whitlock's criticism of her as a "hardcore feminist" could be a not-so-subtle dig at her homosexuality.

As for Chass, Roberts defends her use of anonymous sources. She also defends what she called "the omniscient voice" she uses in the book, which states facts about A-Rod without attribution (Example from page 145: "Alex was believed to have moved from Deca to Primo (two types of steroids) during the spring"), though she says she probably could have been more specific and mentioned that various sources corroborated the information. And, as a paragon of journalistic virtue myself, I agree. FIX YO SOURCES.

She also recounts the time, during her tenure at the NYT, when Chass sent her a long-winded email castigating her for sitting in his chair. Because he's a cranky old sack of shit, you see.

I also ask Roberts about the voluminous criticism she continues to get from Duke lacrosse supporters. She argues it's her job as a columnist to take hard stances, and she accepts any criticism she gets in return. She also says she wasn't the only one to criticize the Duke program right from the outset (she's right), but that people have made her the face of the enemy.

Finally, we get into her "ban" from ESPN, and then I subject Selena to a round of stupid questions. All in all, a decent way to spend 45 minutes in your car. In the meantime, since I read the whole damn book for this interview, here are some choice quotes and factoids from "A-Rod":

Page 87 – Former Mariner teammate: "He'd put one of those self-help books in front of his locker. He wanted us to see it: Look, I'm improving myself."

Page 95 – "Alex can't stand fat people," one friend says, "he really can't be around them." (Better not introduce him to KOGOD, then.)

Page 127 – "A clubhouse attendant was required to place toothpaste on Alex's toothbrush after every game." (See, this is the last thing I'd make a lackey do. There's no easier way for your toothbrush to end up inside someone's asshole than by making them paste it for you.)

Page 142 – "He came to me after the wedding and asked, ‘What do married people do?" a former teammate recalls." (Alex, I have no fucking idea.)

Page 165 – A-Rod's pickup line to women out clubbing: "Who's hotter: me or Derek Jeter?" (Jeter! Definitely!)

Page 172 – "Alex was known to venture into Iniquity – a swinger's club in Dallas."

Page 173 - "He would use corny pickup lines on a (teammate's) wife."

Page 185 – "Some (Yankee) teammates began to privately call him Bitch Tits"

Page 196 – "He is so infatuated with (Tom) Brady that buddies would joke about their bromance" (GAH!)

Finally, A-Rod was known to recite self-help haikus to himself. I found some online. Here's one:

Analyzing my
want, I found it was wanting.
But not wanting me.

Well, that's just fucking retarded.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I try and get Selena to make fun of Mitch Albom's ears.

PHOTO: NYMag.com

... the man has a point. (Or had, briefly, until his frantic row-back a couple days later.) Yahoo has built a brand out of catching young athletes with their hand out, something that always makes for compelling reading but now seems more than a little misguided. If you find yourself writing story after story about NCAA rule after NCAA rule being broken, shouldn't there come a point where you question the wisdom and validity of those rules in the first place?

Yahoo came close a couple months ago, with an excellent story about Kevin Love and AAU coach Pat Barrett. But it wound up being more a standard indictment of greasebag agents and less an exploration of how screwy incentives — created by impossibly high-minded amateurism rules, not to mention the NBA's minimum-age rule (to which Yahoo at least alludes, to its credit) — have created a black market in which greasebag agents can thrive.

Yahoo's Dan Wetzel wrote to Whitlock after his initial column, which stupidly likened the "gotcha" recruiting stories to "1800s newspapers running pictures of and stories about runaway slaves." Wetzel took issue: "We do it to show that the problem is everywhere. That no one is immune. That the NCAA is doing nothing, and that the media are lazy by characterizing it any other way." I suppose Yahoo's reformer spirit is commendable, but this really does get the issue exactly wrong. The "problem" isn't everywhere. It's in one place. The NCAA charter. Where's that series?

Whitlock took his legitimate concern about her book's sourcing and then, once again, turned the conversation back toward the arena where he's most comfortable: Unhinged lunacy. In the span of a ten minute interview, Whitlock characterized Roberts as a person who "does not understand men that well" and then haphazardly likens her to Al Sharpton, for reasons I still don't quite understand, all stemming from the idea that she's written a book that used some not-so-journalism-y practices.

Whitlock's main contention is that Selena's book shouldn't be discussed by the likes of Patrick and Costas and that "she needs to be on 1st and 10 with Skip Bayless" instead, due to the gossipy nature of "The Many Lives Of Alex Rodriguez."

Plus? She has a hidden agenda. And people with hardcore agendas should not be trusted. Hmmm.

"We're being asked to trust someone who is hardcore feminist. [T]o me she's almost no different than Al Sharpton."

And why did she write the book?

"I think she write the book to be make money. [She's] playing by celebrity gossip book rules, we're reacting to it like it's Woodward and Bernstein but it's not," Whitlock said.

Then, mysteriously, the conversation veered off into what-about-Dan territory where Whitlock hypothesized that since Patrick (and Olbermann) were "big fish on campus" (ha) at ESPN, that if a book were ever written about some of the conjecture and hearsay surrounding their time at Bristol, they wouldn't like it too much. Then the show mysteriously cuts off.

Yeah. That would suck if something like that was in the works.

Jason Whitlock Discusses Selena Roberts' A-Rod Book [SI]

Whitlock makes a good point about how Vasgersian simply made a mistake and even defends the joke and agrees that the EMT in the clip did have a striking resemblance to Eagles' quarterback Donovan McNabb. He seems more offended that Vasgersian's broadcast crew of Mitch Williams and Billy Ripken, scared into oversensitivity mode by years of PC training, let the joke hang there in shame so Vasgersian could wallow in on-air embarrassment. For whatever reason, Whitlock used this moment to chastise bloggers — including Dash's pretty harmless post — for blowing this up into something bigger than it is. Point taken, I guess. But Vasgersian apologized and, from what I hear, is actually coming on The Deadcast next week. Oh, and just like he did over at KSK, he also chimed into our comments section and mea culpa'd. So, I don't think we're really too guilty of any kind crime that require Whitlock's Racial Apology Czar oversight.

Of course, because Jason loves to hate Deadspin in the way he thinks we love to hate, he once again brought up my Man Law breaking against Stu Scott from Super Bowl XLI:

You know for several years I've been irate with the editors of Deadspin about what they did to Stuart Scott at a Super Bowl. They published a story about looking over Scott's shoulder and reading a text message from a female friend during booty-call hours.

Given the fact that Scott is black and his female friend was white some people believe Will Leitch and AJ Daulerio committed a "hate crime." I've always leaned toward ruling it as simple "hating," a jealous act committed by cowards with no respect or appreciation for Man Laws.

Having two lawyers debate this issue would be a terrific, must-see episode of "Race Court with Judge Jason." If convicted of the more serious "hate crime," Scott would be allowed to whip Leitch and Daulerio's asses on national television. If I ruled it misdemeanor "hating," Leitch and Daulerio would be fined $1,000, sentenced to a year of probation and required to attend manhood training.

That would be absurdly brilliant in a very "Breaking Bonaduce" sort of way, but I don't think Mr. Scott would lower himself to such depths. Unless there's a cute, white ring card girl he could take home with him later. Come to think of it, I think Judge Jason would tag-a-long for that sort of thing as well. I promise I won't write about it. Lesson learned.

I'll Be The Judge On Racial Apologies [Fox Sports]

These photos were sent to us by numerous people who are still under the impression that Deadspin is upset with AmeriKKKas' most cantankerous wordsmith, but that's simply not true. How can I judge a man for posing with questionably-attired women if I'm guilty of the same practice? It would just be hypocritical and wrong. So I won't.

This photo (and more!) can be seen at the LOTD public gallery.

*****

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Don't get in the face with the swinging cookie SKEETS of life.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

It's Not That Skimpy

Not very surprising that she flashed the TV cameras, since she wasn't known for her modesty around the pool in Beijing. Here are a few pics of her at practice, wearing the skimpiest suit I've ever seen on a diver. The one she wore in competition appears to cover a bit more.

This Spam Is Schwag

Hello,

As I was surfing around google , I discovered your website: http://deadspin.com I am trying to add as many informative websites as possible to my site. Which in turn will benefit my users as well as provide you with relevant traffic to your site. I have a website with about 5,000 - 7,000 people on it per day who fit the same demographic as your site.

If you follow this link, http://www.rollitup.org you will see that I put your link on my homepage. Some website owners do not like when other sites link to them so I thought I might ask for your review.

Please get back to me when you have a chance, to let me know if the link I have placed suits your needs. Also if you would like a custom Title for it just send me a email and I will get it updated.

Have a good week,

Mark Thompson

You know, someone should really name a sandwich after it

Apparently, there's a discount available ....

Keyshawn did not employ the Rumpy-Pump

Hey guys,

Friend of mine took this at the rose bowl, feel free to post. Not sure if this is pre or post Maualuga getting his grind on.

Do Not Mess With The Jason Whitlock Army

somebody decided to add a little whitlock love to the deadspin wikipedia that i somehow just happened to land on. found it funnier that someone took the time to add anything than what they actually wrote. i wonder how long this will last and/or how much it will escalate, no changes yet on whitlock's wiki page.

So Whitlock rehashes his old complaints about Deadspin again, this time a little saltier and nastier, calling both myself and the floppy-haired hero "idiots" for past transgressions against Stuart Scott and Leitch's unfortunate NPR interview. This is fine. Neither one of us would consider those situations our finest moments as human beings. But the one issue I have with Whitlock's statements is the notion that too many media members "have their heads up" Deadspin's ass in order to garner some favorable attention or get some mafia-style protection. His last statement sums it up:

It's the same pattern that turned ESPN evil. Everyone decided working for ESPN or getting their scoop scrolled across the bottom of ESPN was more important than actually policing the most powerful institution in sports.

Look, the difference between Deadspin and most of other media outlets out there is that we're pretty transparent in our biases. Yes, the tagline says there is "no favor" here, but you know what, that's not how the world works. Deadspin editors and writers (both past and present ) like some media people, sports teams, athletes, and opinions more than others. We can all toy with the notion of objectivity on certain issues, but there are always going to be biases. What separates Deadspin from ESPN or any other mainstream media outlet is that it's never really presented itself to be objective. This site will be nasty, unapologetic, and downright juvenile at times and not always for the greater good or to excavate the unvarnished truth. Sometimes it's just trying to have fun and be a pest for the sake of being one. But this site is policed enough in both mainstream media and the sports blogosphere, as it should be. Stories and posts are vetted when they need to be and when mistakes are made, we own up to them.

And, also, Jason: if you're so hellbent on convincing other media members not to pander to Deadspin for coverage or provide us with material, it's a little hypocritical of you to call them out when you've sent us plenty of emails trying to make other people look bad as well and promote your own agenda. And, you know, as long as we're being "truthful", sorry we never posted that Kobe parody video you asked us too but it sounded kind of lame.

Everybody needs to be challenged, right?

****
Oh, go check out the most popular posts and top stories section see some of the things you missed during the short, hangover-filled week. We'll be back up to full-speed on Monday. Or Tuesday.

TOMORROW: Your weekend editor will be me. SUNDAY: Dash. Others will be around at some point, once the purse strings are loosened, hopefully.

Thank you for your continued support of Idiotspin.

This is Fox Sports/KC Star columnist Jason Whitlock's latest status update. Good God. Somebody send the man a laxative.

Given all the problems Facebook has caused people in the last week, this one will hopefully not get anyone fired. Except, perhaps, Mr. Whitlock's proctologist.

Odds on being de-friended by Jason Whitlock within the hour? 1/4.

Hey, great column on Charlie Weis, though, man!

Observe:

The fact that Upton's not perfect makes him perfect. His propensity to be lazy (as witnessed in August when he "decided" not to run hard on three different occasions), the fact that Maddon literally pulled him off the field after not running out a double-play ground ball, the meaningless error in the seventh inning of Game 4 that allowed questions about his lack of focus to surface. All display a flaw in him that almost works to his advantage when kids and wannabe baseball players look at him and say "I'm not perfect either, but look, he's still standing."

Now, granted, Scoop Jackson has clumsily attempted to establish himself as the columnist for a hip-hop generation since he's been at Page 2, and that has resulted in many more confounding and marginally offensive columns then positive ones. One of his biggest detractors has been the Kansas City Star's Jason Whitlock, who implored SOMEONE to stop Scoop. He volunteered his email for publication:

"Would someone please stop Scoop Jackson since the ***** editors at ESPN won't? Got damn, I don't read his **** but when he writes stupid **** like this people e-mail me and ask my opinion. This **** needs to be stopped. Read the dumb mother*****'s column and see how he equates black culture with being lazy and says Upton is going to make folks love baseball again.

Cork Gaines, proprietor of the extremely entertaining Rays Index, had a similar reaction to Scoop's piece:

Could you imagine Scoop Jackson's reaction if Peter Gammons had written that paragraph? Scoop Jackson just said Upton is a role-model to young African-Americans because he is lazy. Why in the world would anybody ever look to this as a positive quality. This is insanity! And it may be borderline sociopathic. Good lord Scoop. We don't mean to yell, but did you eat paint chips when you were a kid? Of all the positive things Upton does on the baseball field that are worthy of emulating, Jackson picks laziness as why inner-city kids will gravitate to the Rays center fielder. Jesus, this pisses us off...and we're white!

Well, as we all know, that's just Scoop being Scoop.

Still waiting for a response from Mr. Jackson (or somebody from the ESPN dot com side) about the piece, but that will happen eventually. I think. There's apparently a long line.

Scoop Jackson Thinks B.J. Upton Will Be A Role Model To Inner-City Kids Because He Looks Ghetto and Doesn't Hustle [Rays Index]
The True Meaning of B.J. Upton [ESPN]

Photo: Courtesy of The Starting Five