We continue today's roasting festivities with this utterly brilliant video from the one and only JE SKEETS, who today was granted a rare work release from his Yahoo! prison.

The dearly missed J.E. Skeets actually stumbled across Oak's recipe for beef short ribs, cooked them up, and ingested them like meat-fisted fiend he is. His verdict? "85 out of 10."

Charles Oakley's beef short ribs in a cinnamon wine sauce [Ball Don't Lie]

As most of you know, today is my last day writing for Deadspin. Thanks to everyone for putting up with my NBA Closers, weekend nonsense and drunken Nightmare Ant posts over the last couple of months. I sincerely appreciate all the best wishes I've read in the comments and received via e-mail. Truth. I'm going to print them out and roll around in 'em ... naked.

Of course, I also want to thank Will for trusting me with the Gawker log-in info — password: hankypankiel — and allowing me write whatever the hell my cold, little Canadian heart desired. I really can't thank him enough for this opportunity, though I'll try hard if I ever meet the guy. (Sager bombs and karaoke!)

And with that hurried "goodbye," I'm done. Take care, everyone, and you'll be hearing from me around these here Internets soon enough. Bye!

Here's a direct link to listen to the audio (.mp3).

I've listened to it about four times all the way through, and in my opinion, it just keeps getting better and better. The exchange between the moderator and "Rufus" absolutely kills me.

Members of the Kidd Chris radio program on WYSP-FM 94.1 in Philadelphia claim to be behind both of the pranks. Well done, gentlemen.

Prank Callers Terrorize Big East Coaches (w/ Audio!) [The Big Lead]
Telepranksters Hit the Big East [D.C. Sports Bog]
The Kidd Chris Show [94WYSP]
Hey, At Least SOMEONE Was Calling In [Deadspin]

This piece of driftwood and Pat Patriot look-alike is pretty spot on, though.

Your Patriots Look-Alike Photos [Boston.com]

• R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Make it eight straight for the yellow N.O. David West scored 32 points and Peja Stojakovic added 22 points to lead the Western Conference-leading Hornets over the defending champ Spurs 102-78. "The whole thing about this team is 'Oh, can they beat the big teams?"' Hornets center Tyson Chandler said. "We've shown we can beat all of these teams and we deserve some respect." /fixes imaginary tie. "I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth," he added.

• Enough Is Enough. Dwyane Wade scored 35 points and Mark Blount added 10 of his 19 in the fourth as the Heat beat the Pacers 98-96 to snap a 15-game slide — the longest in the NBA this season. But the win wasn't even the best part of the day. To celebrate Heat mascot Burnie's birthday, other noted South Florida mascots appeared, including T.D. of the Miami Dolphins. He was booed. Mercilessly.

• The Spirit Of Philadelphia. Head for Penn's Landing on the Delaware riverfront and spend a few unforgettable hours aboard the city's most entertaining dinner cruise ship. Sounds lovely. And oh, Andre Iguodala — CLICK HERE — scored 33 points and Andre Miller added 23 as the Sixers beat the bickering Bobcats 103-96. Philly rallied from an 11-point first-half deficit to earn the much-needed win.

• Gay. With Pau Gasol suffering from a pretend sore back, Rudy Gay scored a career-high 34 points and had 12 rebounds as the Grizzlies beat the Clippers 125-120 in OT. Fact: The three-highest scoring performances in Gay's career have come when Gasol has been out. Double fact: Gasol is more gay than Gay.

Randball points us to the epic news in the Arizona Republic:

Digital Underground, Tone Loc and Young MC, rappers who struck it big in the late 1980s and early '90s, will get the party started at Dan Majerle's Three-Day Downtown EndZone Block Party at 8 p.m. Feb. 1 in front of the former Phoenix Suns player's bar and grill in downtown Phoenix. The party, along First Street between Washington and Jefferson streets, runs from 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. each day Jan. 31 through Feb. 2.

Friday, former Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith will be on hand to help attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the "Largest Dish Ever Washed."

Tickets are $20 to $75 and can be purchased online here. Attendees must be 21 or older so they know who in hell the musical acts are. Word!

The Funky Humpty Bust A Medina Super Bowl Party! [Randball]
Rappers To Host Super Bowl Party At Sports Bar [The Arizona Republic]

Take defensive high-schooler Will Compton for example. On Wednesday, the 6-foot-2, 225-pound linebacker prospect from Bonne Terre, Missouri, reaffirmed his pledge to Nebraska. Why? Because NU assistant Mike Ekeler is down with the kids.

The Huskers' first-year linebackers coach showed up at Compton's home Sunday with a temporary tattoo on his arm. It read "Compton" in Old English lettering above a Blackshirts emblem.

"Knowing him, that's not surprising," Compton said. "When he did that, it put a big smile on my face."

College Football Coaches Are Weird [RTC Talk]
Compton Reaffirms Pledge To Huskers [Omaha World-Herald]

• Revenge. In the first regular-season game between Kevin Garnett and the bouquet of former Celtics traded for him, Boston struggled to put away Minnesota, 87-86. Kendrick Perkins finished with 21 points, including a go-ahead put-back with 16.6 seconds left, and Garnett added 10 points and 16 boards despite leaving the game for 4 minutes with an abdominal strain. "It felt like I got sniped from the rafters or something, you know," KG said. "I just had a sharp pain come from my stomach and I just wanted the doctors to look at it. They looked at it and said I was fine, so I came back out." Man, for someone who regularly hunts squirrels and shit, Kevin McHale is one bad shot.

• What Is "Real"? How Do You Define "Real"? Shawn Marion dropped in a silky baseline floater with 1.1 seconds left for his only field goal as the Suns melted Cleveland with a season-high 17 3-pointers in a 110-108 over the Cavaliers. Raja Bell scored 27 points and Steve Nash added 26 — 21 on 3-pointers. That's real, son.

• Flying High. Peja Stojakovic — and his goatee — nailed five 3-pointers in a four-minute span in the third to lead the Hornets over the Clippers 111-92. The win was NO's seventh straight. New Orleans made 14 3-pointers over all, including 12 in the second half. "I don't know how to explain that," said Peja, who finished with 26 points overall. "You always think: 'You never know if you don't try.' You've got to let it fly. Some nights they go in, some nights not." That sounded like poetry.

• Mind Boggling. Whatever you do, DON'T look at the Western Conference playoff standings this morning. It's a holy hot mess of crowded. Carlos Boozer made his first 13 shots and scored 33 points to lead the Jazz over the Kings 127-113. And in Portland, Tracy McGrady had 15 points and Carl Landry added 12 and eight as the Rockets snapped the Blazers' 12-game home-winning streak with an 89-79 win. I think the Nuggets won too.

• 15 Wrong! Stand up, AP sports writer Tim Reynolds. Stand. Up. Two years ago, the Miami Heat were dubbed "15 Strong" on their way to the NBA championship. These days, it's more like "15 Wrong" — and counting. Man, dude must pull mad pussy with lines like that. Well done. Tim Duncan scored 30 points and brought the Spurs back from a 10-point second-half deficit to beat the Heat 90-89. It was Miami's 15th straight loss, two shy of matching The Spin Doctor years.

• We've Made A Horrible Mistake. We forgot to vote Monta Ellis to the All-Star Game starting line-up. (Don't click that link, 'Toine!) The Baby-faced Assassin rung up a career-high 39 as the Warriors somehow managed to score 22 consecutive points AND blow a 13-point lead in the fourth quarter of their 121-119 win over the Nets. Josh Boone had a season-high 21 points for New Jersey, including a 7-for-15 performance from the foul line when Don Nelson threw out the ol' Hack-a-Boone scheme in the third. Believe it or not, 7-for-15 raised Boone's FT percentage significantly. Baron Davis posted his eighth career triple-double in the win with 25 points, 12 boards and 10 assists.

• I See Redd People. Do you know why you're afraid when you're alone? I do. I do. It's because you're watching the Indiana Pacers play the Milwaukee Bucks. Yeah, scary stuff. Now go chase that balloon up the stairs. Michael Redd scored 37 points and Andrew Bogut added 17 and 11 rebounds to lead the Bucks to a 104-92 victory over the Pacers. Redd dropped 10 in the important quarter, playing every minute of the second half and 45 minutes overall. (Props to Adnan Virk and his sixth sense — NBA Closer headlines.)

• Let The Roughriders Play The Patriots! The Raptors shooting percentages hit you like a fart that was trapped in a Soundgarden CD jewel case to the face: 58 percent from the floor; 71 percent from three-point land; 100 percent from the foul line. Add it all up and the Raps shot well over 225 percent to beat the Celtics 114-112 in Bahstan. Jose Calderon converted a go-ahead, three-point play with 10.5 seconds left and finished with 24 points and 13 pesetas. Chris Bosh added 23 points and Andrea Bargnani finally did good with 20 points, seven rebounds and seven assists.

• You Can Call Him Al. Al Jefferson walks down the court. He says why are the Suns soft in the middle now? Why are the Suns soft in the middle? Playing in Minnesota is so hard. I need an All-Star opportunity. I want a shot at redemption. Don't want to end up a Kwame, in a cartoon city. Bricklaying, bricklaying. Lakers in the moonlight. Far away my well-lit locker. Mr. McHale, McHale. Get these Wolves away from me. You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore. (Um, Jefferson scored a career-high 39 as the Wolves beat the Suns — again! — 117-107.)

• Pasty Power. I've been saying this for, oh, I don't know, at least a few minutes now, but Luol Deng and Ben Gordon have been holding the white man down forever! It's true! Kirk Hinrich scored a career-high 38 points as the Bulls did this funny little thing called "winning a professional basketball game" by beating the Pacers 108-95, minus the services of Deng (tendinitis) and Ben (wrist). Rookie Joakim Noah — who, for all intensive purposes, is also white — added 14 points and a season-high 15 rebounds for Chicago.

• Ladies And Gentlemen, Your Western Conference Leader Is ... What!? The Hornets!? Get out! [/shoves Jerry Seinfeld.] Reserve Jannero Pargo scored a season-high 24 points in 24 minutes as New Orleans extended its '07/08-best winning streak to six games with a 96-81 win over the Blazers. David West scored 22 for the Hornets (29-12), who have won 14 of 16 and now lead the West thanks to Suns' long lost pal.

• Three-Pointers You Can Believe In. Steve Nash increased investments in infrastructure, energy independence and education in the first half; brought the troops home from Iraq in the third quarter; and scored 15 of his season-high 37 points in the fourth to lead the Suns past the Bucks 114-105. All in all, not a bad Tuesday. Grant Hill returned to the Suns' starting lineup, less than two weeks after undergoing an appendectomy. He had eight points in 27 minutes.

• Back Together Again. Forget Obama, the Sacramento Kings are definitely voting Hillary. With their three stars healthy and starting for the first time, the Kings rolled to their most lopsided win of the season. Ron Artest scored 27 points, Kevin Martin added 19 and Mike Bibby scored all 15 of his in the first half to lead the suddenly spry Kings to their third straight victory, 128-94 over the Nets. New Jersey has now dropped six straight. I don't think Brooklyn wants them anymore. (Ed. Note: Some of us didn't want them in the first place.)

• I Like Big Dunks And I Cannot Lie. Lost amidst the madness of Monday's MLK matinees was the NBA's announcement of the players chosen to compete in this year's dunk contest at All-Star weekend. My bad. Your dunkees: sticker beast Dwight Howard, defending champ Gerald Green, Toronto's own Jamario Moon and Rudy Gay. Solid field. And new lil' wrinkle this year — after the final round of dunks, fans will be able to vote by text message or on NBA.com to help determine the winner. Yup. Vote 'Toine!

• Oh, The Drama Of It All. With 13 games on the schedule Monday, we were bound to see at least one or two buzzer beaters, right? That's just science. Travis Outlaw buried a last-second long-range jumper in OT to lift the Blazers to a 111-109 victory over the Hawks, while Rashard Lewis banked in a buzzer-beater to lead the Magic past the Pistons 102-100. Detroit is expected to file a formal protest to the league later today over whether Lewis did or did not call "glass."

• I Hear Miami Is Lovely At This Time Of The Year. And by this time of the year, I mean, right now, in the American Airlines Arena, playing the the Miami Heat. LeBron James scored 28 points to lead the Cavs past the Heat 97-90 for his first win in nine career trips to Dade County. The loss was the '06 champions 14th straight, their second-worst slide in franchise history. D-Wade scored 42 points for shits and giggles.

• Connect The Dots. Caron Butler had 25 points and nine rebounds and Washington forced 16 turnovers and held Dallas to 41.3 percent shooting as the Wizards rolled over the Mavs 102-84. It was the sixth time this year that the Wiz have held an opponent under 85 points, something the club didn't do once all of last season. Washington is 6-0 in those games. Crazy coincidence.

• It Would Be Fatal For Joey Crawford To Overlook The Urgency Of The Moment. In the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Quentin Richardson and Paul Pierce were ejected for jawing about the writer's strike. Smooth move, guys. Kevin Garnett had 20 points, 13 rebounds and seven assists as the Celtics beat the Knicks 109-93. Five technicals were called in the third quarter alone.

• Revenge Of The Nerds. In their first meeting since June's Nielsen ratings bonanza, LeBron James hit a jumper with less than a minute to go to give the Cavaliers a solid 90-88 victory over the Spurs in Texas. James tallied 27 points, 9 rebounds and 7 assists for Cleveland, who shot 46 percent from the field. Manu Ginobili, who missed an open jumper at the buzzer that would have forced overtime, led the Spurs with 31 points. Tim Duncan chipped in his usual 20, 11 and incessant whining for the defending champs.

• Sweet Babboo. Linas Kleiza scored a career-high 41 points and grabbed nine rebounds as the Nuggets beat the Jazz 120-109. Um, yeah, one more time, in case you skimmed that: Linas! Kleiza! scored a career-high 41 points and grabbed nine rebounds as the Nuggets beat the Jazz 120-109. This is why we watch the game, folks! Marcus Camby also got into the personal best act, tying his career high in rebounds (24) and blocks (11) to help Denver end a two-game slide.

• Equilibrioception. First off, there is no imagined rift between Suns GM Steve Kerr and coach Mike D'Antoni. They feed each other strawberries, and just saw "P.S. I Love You" together, OK? Case closed. Leandro Barbosa scored 22 points and Shawn Marion added 20 and 16 rebounds as the Suns beat the Andrew Bynum-less Lakers 106-98 to regain the West's number one spot. Boris Diaw scored 19 points, Steve Nash had 13 and a season-high 20 assists, and Linas Kleiza somehow scored 11 for the Suns. Man, he was feelin' it last night.

• Where Creepy Merchandise Happens. First of all, I should probably point out that these two Celtics fans are indeed NOT paraplegic. Those are cup holders, folks. It took me a few hours to figure it out, too. Ray Allen scored a season-high 35 points and Kevin Garnett chipped in a cool 26 to help Beantown beat the visiting Blazers 100-90. The C's had lost three of their last four games and two straight at home. But they're back! Watch out, '96 Bulls! Brandon Roy led the Trailers with 22 points.

• It's The End Of The World As We Know It. Water? Check. Canned food? Check. Flashlight? Check. Manual can opener? ... MANUAL CAN OPENER!?! Shit! Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Starvation. Jamal Crawford scored a season-high 35 points and hit a tie-breakin' 3-pointer, leading the Knicks to a 111-105 victory over the Nets. Zach Randolph added 24 points and 11 rebounds for New York, who won their third game in a row for the first time in over a year. Half Man Half Amazin', Vince Carter scored 26 in the loss. (Half Man Half Tree, not impressed.)

• Put The Brooms Away. Now lean back, lean back ... Gerald Wallace had 36 points and 14 boards to help the Cats upset the Magic 99-93. Jason Richardson, who scored 26 points, hit a 3 with the shot clock running down with 30 seconds left as Charlotte avoided the season sweep. "That's big for us. It shows a lot of growth," J-Rich said. "This team is growing every game." It's true: Raymond Felton is like, 8-feet tall.

• Welcome Back, Bitches. Chris Bosh scored 31 points, shooting 11-for-12 from the field and 9-for-10 from the line, as the Raptors spoiled Mike Bibby's season debut, beating the Kings 116-91. Ron Artest also returned after missing nine games because of elbow surgery, but was held to just 4 points. To add insult to injury, Bosh then sold them a used '94 Taurus.

• Zoom-Zoom. Last night, LeBron James abused Mike Miller like an open stretch of Ohioan highway. *Short snare drum roll with a cymbal crash* The King scored a season-high 51 points, including 25 in the fourth quarter and overtime, to lead the Cavaliers over the Grizzle 132-124. James made 18 of 28 shots and had nine assists and eight rebounds. (Take note, Kobe.) The 51 points matched the best scoring performance of the season.

• Hang The Banner. Washington beats Boston. New York beats Washington. Therefore, New York is better than Boston. It's simple math really. Jamal Crawford scored 29 points as the Knicks beat the Wizards 105-93 to give Zeke and his boys consecutive victories for only the third time this season. Zach Randolph added 14 points for the Knicks, who'll shoot for that super rare three-game winning streak tonight in New Jersey.

• Thief In The Night. If you're missing a crisp twenty dollar bill from your man-purse this morning, chances are Baron Davis has it. The Bodyguard had 22 points, nine assists and a season-high five steals to lead the Warriors past the Wolves 105-98. Antoine Walker led Minnesota with a decade-high 26 points off the bench. No, seriously, he did.

• Sam He Is. Phoenix not like losing here or there. Phoenix not like losing anywhere. Phoenix not like losing with a Bell. Phoenix not like Sam, Sam-J-Cassell. Sam Cassell scored 32 points and had seven assists as the Clippers beat the Suns 97-90 to snap a four-game losing streak. Corey Maggette added 21 in the win.

• Caron Butler Hates The Irish. Always has, always will. Butler scored 21 points as the Wizards beat the Celtics 88-83 for their second victory over Boston in three days. Trailing by 14 halfway through the fourth, the Wiz mounted an improbable 19-4 run to take the lead with 40 seconds left on a gorgeous Butler lay in and-one. YOINK! Boston has now lost consecutive games at home for the first time all season and drops to 30-6. Yes, drops.

• Cue The Kobe Show. The MRI results are in. Andrew Bynum, a big factor in the Lakers' strong start, will be out at least eight weeks because of an injured left knee. Ugh. The Lakers are freakin' screw— oh, they still have Kobe? He didn't get traded to the Bulls? Never mind then. The Black Mamba capped his season-best offensive outburst (48 points) by nailing an 18-footer with 4 seconds left in overtime to help the Lakers beat the Sonics 123-121. And hey, it only took him 44 (!) shots. Efficient. Los Angeles has won seven straight.

• Go Back To Denver And Tell Them There That Charlotte's Daughters And Sons Are Yours No More. After consecutive heartbreaking losses — in double-overtime to Cleveland and in overtime to Detroit — the Charlotte Bobcats had seen enough, thank you very much. Gerald Wallace scored 40 points, Matt Carroll added 19, and it was the Cats making the big plays down the stretch for a change in a 119-116 win over the Nuggets. Said Wallace post-game: "Tell them Charlotte is free."

• A Beautiful Fade Without A Name For So Long. In just his second game back from a groin injury that kept him sidelined for nearly six weeks, Kevin Martin scored 39 points in less than 28 minutes and John Salmons hit a game-winning drive with 2.4 seconds remaining to help the Kings snap the Mavs' seven-game winning streak with a 122-120 victory. Not bad. "For me it's just basketball," Martin said. "I always felt like I could come back and play. It was just a matter of where my wind was." My wind is in my ass. Fact.

• How Bizarre. (Sorry, Drew.) Area 51, that ghost in Three Men and a Baby, the New York Knickerbockers ... you know, some things are better left unexplained. Zach Randolph had 25 points and eight rebounds as the Knicks cruised — cruised! — to an 89-65 victory over the weary Pistons, who barely avoided the worst offensive performance in franchise history. "I just got off the shower, washed it off," Chauncey Billups said. "I washed it right off on that shower. Got to forget about that one. That was bad." Question: How does one get "off" the shower? What type of shower heads does Madison Square Garden have? Did Steve Francis install them?

• Win, You Stupid Fucking Dinosaurs! Win! Was anyone else a little disappointed that Suss decided to live-blog the NFL playoffs instead of the Blazers-Raps game yesterday? Anybody? Anyone? Anybody? Guys? Anyone? Oh, me neither. Chris Bosh had 38 points and 14 rebounds as the Raptors beat the Blazers 116-109 in double overtime to hand Portland their second loss in 19 games. Brandon Roy had a career-high 33 points in defeat.

• This Is Why You Never Go For The Rebound, Kids. Andrew Bynum, a key cog in the Lakers' longest winning streak in nearly four years, sprained his left knee in LA's 100-99 victory over the Grizzlies. With just under nine minutes left in the third, Bynum went up for a rebound. As he came down, his left foot landed on top of teammate Lamar Odom's foot, causing his left knee and ankle to turn awkwardly. He'll undergo an MRI later today. (Free lollipops!)

• Hawk Off. The Armadillo Cowboy (Joe Johnson) lassoed in 37 points, including 25 in the first half, as the Hawks — KREE-EEE-AR! — beat the Bulls 105-84 to end a 12-game losing streak in the series. 12 games! That's almost a baker's dozen! Josh Childress added 14 points, nine boards and a few afro pubes for Ben Wallace's face in the win.

So, this morning, I'm unlacing my Kevlar Air Force Ones, showering with my jorts on and placing odds on how much you'd rather of been "grouting the tile" instead of watching last night's games.

Let's go dribble some basketballs and body fluids after this hyper code.

Detroit at San Antonio: 2/1

When Rasheed Wallace wants to dominate a game, shuffling your iDick can always be put on hold. (Press and hold the tip for three seconds. It'll power down.) "We could lose five or six games in a row, but we're the type of team, we don't hang our heads and walk around moping," said Sheed, who had 23 points and 15 rebounds to carry the Pistons to a 90-80 victory over the Spurs. "We're much too busy ejaculating in Walter Herrmann's shampoo bottles anyway." Detroit snapped a two-game losing streak, and handed San Antonio their second loss in a row at home.

Memphis at Sacramento: 4/1
You know how I know you're Gay? You scored 31 points, grabbed seven rebounds and made two costly mistakes in a 116-113 loss to the Kings. That, and your first name is Rudy. Down 113-111, with 7.9 seconds to go, John Salmons found Francisco Garcia on the baseline for a go-ahead 3-pointer over the outstretched hand of Griz forward Gay. On the following possession, Gay made another boo-boo, losing the ball on a drive to the basket. Brad Miller free throws. Game. But hey, at least it was close. Drama and excessive timeouts arouse me.

Phoenix at Utah: 1/2
No Steve Nash (flu). No Grant Hill (appendectomy). No Shawn Marion (computer hacking). No Andrea Kirilenko (bitch). No Matt Harpring (bitch, in labor). Oh, gee, thanks. Fuck! What a boring game. Utah ran with Phoenix early and by the third quarter the fatigue and the glaring holes named Banks and Piatkowski in the Suns' lineup ultimately showed. Final score: Jazz 108, Suns 86. AKA a blow out. AKA what you were doing all over the ceiling. AKA looks like someone has been pounding the omega-3 oils! Nice shot, brotha!

[This is just a tribute. You gotta believe it! Best of luck, AJ!]