"Nothing turns the sports media green with envy quicker than a date with Big O," writes Whitlock, who is apparently taking a break from his ongoing dissertation on the subject of Strange Tang. He goes on to speculate how other sports media types might draw Oprah's eye (as Whitlock himself once did).

Mike Lupica: His Parting Shot on the next episode of "The Sports Reporters" will touch on the emotional scars he carries from paying his way through Boston College as a human bowling ball in the American Dwarf Bowling Association.

Hank Goldberg: Is quietly circulating audio tapes of voice messages left for Linda Cohn that graphically explain how he got the nickname Hammerin' Hank.

Christine Brennan: Unveils a full-body column mug in USA Today showing off her newly purchased 38 DDs, tummy tuck and blonde hair. Her initial column is titled: "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em."

Jemele Hill: Disappointed by her previous efforts - such as comparing the Celtics to Hitler, urging Packers fans to stone Brett Favre with batteries, blogging about oral sex - Hill claims she was an original member of Milli Vanilli.

Rick Reilly: In a cliche and pointless 800-word column that will be read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons' column, Reilly will reveal how his agent hoodwinked ESPN into a $3-million-a-year contract.

Damn. It's almost as if the man doesn't want to get invited to the ESPYs.

Erin Andrews video scandal: It's all about the O [FoxSports]
Have I Ever Mentioned How Much I Like Jason Whitlock? [Sportress of Blogitude]

In the sneak peek of the interview released by ESPN, Rogers tells Hill he smoked marijuana on a daily basis, then became addicted to painkillers after breaking his collarbone twice, in 2003 and 2004. Wow, weed AND painkillers? Just call him Ricky Favre.

In 2005, Rogers flunked his third drug test with the NFL, and was obligated to return $10 million of his $14.2 million signing bonus to the Lions. Rogers was cut by the Lions in 2006 and never played in the NFL again, going to jail last December for violating probation stemming from a domestic violence arrest. Watch this interview even casually, and it would appear as though Rogers is STILL baked. In fact, the geniuses over at Tirico Suave have already noticed this and parodied it in record time with the video below.

The funniest part of the interview is when they cut to that fucking retard shitbox Matt Millen. "Something clearly was wrong." Think so, Einstein?

Here's an amusing little snag from Awful Announcing, featuring current "Inside the NFL" analyst Warren Sapp and budding home decorator/"NFL Live" analyst, Keyshawn Johnson. Sapp was responding to viewer questions during his "Ask Warren Anything" segment. One viewer was curious about Sapp's thoughts on his former teammate's upcoming "Tackling Design" reality show. Sapp is, well, not impressed.

(On whether he would ever watch Keyshawn Johnson’s reality show about interior design)
SAPP: Me, watch Keyshawn on an interior decorating show? Keyshawn, I knew you were a bitch. And thanks for making it all clear.

And ESPN columnist Jemele Hill, obviously thirsting for retired NFL diva blood, is excited about the possibility of man-on-man bitch-slappery. On her personal blog, she antagonizes Keyshawn about Sapp's comment and encourages him to stand up for himself .

Look, I'm not a violent person, but that strikes me as ass-whupping worthy. When Joey Porter and Brandon Marshall got into their war of words, notice Marshall stopped just short of calling JP a bitch. Probably because you just don't go there.
If I'm Key, we couldn't handle it like gentlemen, we'd have to get into some gangsta shit.

You hear that, Keyshawn? You've been called out, son. Grab your stenciling tool.

Warren Sapp calls Keyshawn a "Bitch" on Inside the NFL [Showtime]
Jemel

The last couple days I've been inundated with calls and e-mails because of the Lou Holtz controversy. He made an inappropriate Hitler reference. I made an inappropriate Hitler reference. We both apologized, but only I was suspended.

A lot has been written about this. Many have said that ESPN treated me unfairly. The 64,000 question: How do I really feel?

My initial answer is a story, or rather, a moment. A couple years ago, I was visiting the Poynter Institute, one of the foremost journalism think tanks in the country, and I sat in on a session taught by one of my favorite columnist and people, the Washington Post's Sally Jenkins.

A student asked her if she ever got upset when other writers rewarded — particularly if she knew they weren't as good. And Sally said — and I'm paraphrasing here — that she always prided herself on keeping her eyes on her own career.

That's my answer. That's how I feel.

So...high road. On another Hill/Holtz related note, the story was being discussed on the Howard Stern Show this morning. One problem: the kept discussing whether Holtz should be suspended in light of what happened to ESPN writer JAMAL Hill.

Me, Mine, and Lou Holtz's [Jemele Hill.com]

PHOTO: The Starting Five

That's the question posed by MarketWatch columnist Jon Friedman, who gives the WWL a thorough Bissingering based on the recent "lowbrow or boorish behavior" of some of ESPN's talent. Specifically, the incidents involving Jemele Hill, Dana Jacobson, and Bonnie Bernstein, respectively. Friedman's piece, titled "ESPN: The sports leader in embarrassment" goes after Senior Vice President and Executive Editor John Walsh for an explanation to the recent spate of inappropriateness coming out of Bristol.

Walsh answered carefully, explaining that he feels all of the incidents were handled appropriately and that, considering the enormous amounts of media content they push out, three incidents are not so bad.

"We'd rather the scoreboard says none," Walsh said. "But if the scoreboard says three (examples), we endure." He called them "three separate instances" and added: "Trying to group them together, I think, would not be a wise thing for you."

Friedman disagrees. In his story he writes, "In the news business, journalists will chalk up something out of the ordinary as an aberration. But when it happens twice, we wonder if it is a pattern. By the third time, it can reasonably be called a trend" and "ESPN rejects the idea that there is a pattern of recklessness in its ranks, but I'm not so sure."

Yes, that ESPN is contributing to the collective dumbing-down of our society with its lowbrow humor and boorish behavior. Welcome to the new media landscape.

Update: ESPN VP Of PR Josh Krulewitz sent this comment to Deadspin about Friedman's column:

"Obviously we disagree with the premise of an ESPN trend. As we said, the three incidents in the article were very unfortunate, yet unrelated. Mistakes happen across our industry and others. We tend to be the focus given the large amount of content we produce and the more than 1,000 personalities we employ. What's important is, when situations arise, we take them seriously and address them."

I guess they only address these issues with the women.

ESPN: The sports leader in embarrassment [MarketWatch]

You have to feel kind of sorry for Hill; her mistake — invoking the name of Hitler in a column about rooting for the Boston Celtics — didn't seem to warrant the kind of negative attention it got. Seems a bit incongruous that, in a week that we're all falling over ourselves praising George Carlin and the seven words you can't say on television, that Hill has to write an entire column apologizing for invoking Hitler. And besides, shouldn't the ESPN editors be the ones apologizing? Columnists push the boundaries of good taste all the time; it's their job to be edgy and thought provoking. And when they overreach, as is occasionally bound to happen, it's the editors' job to reel them in. But hey, those ESPN Featured Comments are difficult to maintain; editors can't be everywhere at once. So Hill is made to grovel in order to keep her column, and life goes on as usual in Bristol, where they're still trying to keep their security guards awake.

In the interests of full disclosure, back in the early days of this site, I once invoked Hitler's name in a headline, and Will, wisely, took it out. So we keep a closer watch on such things than ESPN, and we don't even have editors. I suppose I should write an apology column nonetheless.

Elsewhere in the world of eternal shame:

• Sorry for wearing men's shorts at Wimbledon. And for that camera commercial with the dog. — Maria Sharapova

• We know this is going to look ridiculous, so sorry in advance. — Every Major League baseball player.

• Sorry. Your $10.50 will be fully refunded in the next life. — Mike Myers.

• Sorry for digging up Johnny Cash and stealing his clothes. — Imus

• Sorry I couldn't get to that ninth player. Scheduling conflict. — Julie Pritchett

ESPN's statement is a still-life of corporate smug-speak.

“Jemele has been relieved of her writing and on-air responsibilities for a period of time to reflect on the impact of her words,” ESPN spokesman Paul Melvin said in an e-mailed statement yesterday.

Whatever your thoughts on Hill's column — we think Hill's a fine writer, but anytime you say "Hitler," whatever point you're trying to make is obliterated — we hope that, you know, ESPN remembers that there were editors who didn't change Hill's comment in the first place. That's what you pay them for, right?

And uh, Boston radio people: Clumsily breaking Godwin's Law is not the same as Don Imus and nappy-headed ho's. Sorry. It's not.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to take some time to reflect on the impact on that awful pun we wrote last week.

ESPN Suspends Columnist Hill [Boston Herald]

By the way, Hill has addressed the suspension on her site, kind of.

And at least for a while, the ESPN editors allowed it on the website.

Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It's like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.

Oh, don't bother Command+F looking for it in her article, the editors have, you could say, taken it out of commission like Archduke Ferdinand. Even the Google cache of Hill's article has already been Norby'd, so there's no chance of seeing where in the story it was mentioned, or what other dark moments in history are like cheering for the Celtics.

Now I just recently laughed pretty hard at the Paul Pierce stabbing joke a couple posts ago and yet I think comparisons to Hitler are virtually off limits. Then again, ESPN editors also left the comparison to Skip Bayless in there, and that might be an even worse Godwin.

Deserving Or Not, I Still Hate The Celtics [ESPN.com]

Like most anyone who follows sports, yesterday's Los Angeles Times piece from columnist Mike Penner about his impending de-penising was a little jarring, to say the least. This had to be a tough column to write. It's essentially writing an obituary for yourself and a brutal, honest confessional hurled out to a readership (not a small one either) and, sadly, asking them to accept you. Sports fans, no less. I know they're LA sports fans, but still, you don't see that many transgendered people at Laker games. Maybe, like, four at the most.

Anyway, as some of you may know, I've got a fill-in gig over at the cuddly little blogstop called Eat the Press for the week. So, as any good substitute blogger pretending to know something about "media news," I did a post about Mr. Penner's announcement. This particular post made the HuffPo proper and subsequently was assessed commenting status. Here are two of the most passionate:

AJ, this is a pathetic piece of writing. You display that you know nothing about what it's like to be transgendered/transsexual, and your callous one-offs do nothing but reinforce tired stereotypes. Extra minus points for the incredibly offensive picture accompanying this piece of drivel. Trans people display more courage than you will ever know, and it's sickening that I even have to take you to task for this. I expect better from HuffPo writers. Big thumbs down!

And...

It is A.J. Daulerio who pasted that photo on to the LA Times story. It is disingenuous at best, and yellow journalism at its worst. Where AJ's words are carefully chosen to supply the double entendre, the picture removes all doubt that he is making fun of someone who is struggling with a very difficult problem. Let's hope Mr. Daulerio's children never have to suffer the degradation he delivers in his sophomoric column. Does he giggle and point at "retards" and "freaks" too? Nature can be very unfair to its children. We don't need cruel, insensitive people like A.J. Daulerio to make their lives even more unbearable. Grow up, Mr Perfect, before someone kicks your ass until your tits bleed.

Granted, I didn't expect a "Ladies..." or a "No, no, yes, no" kind of response, but holy Colbert-on-a-cross, Huffpolice. Here's the thing: Mr. Penner's column was probably one of the gutsiest things I've ever read. Best part about it is, he obviously doesn't care at all what anybody thinks anymore, let alone, me. But in my mind, dude's got balls that could crumble buildings with one heaving swing (for a few weeks, at least) and if I ever have a thimble of the amount of courage and self-awareness that heshe has, I'd consider myself a pretty fucking awesome human being.

Someday...

For now, it's back to the puppy-kicking grind.

So this week, I'm updating my Group Hug diary, saying 12 Hail Marys and placing odds on the next mind-blowing confession offered up by a sports writer in print.

Come on, Rus, let's go find yer sister, after this jump...

Mike Lupica Admits to Premature Ejaculation: 2/1

Mike Lupica: paisan, Whitlock tormentor and pump-pump chumper. Entirely possible, but would he admit it? The New York Daily News sports columnist has become progressively more and more cranky over the years and shows all the outward signs of a man who couldn't satisfy a woman if the life of his children depended on it. Think of all of the high-profile players he bashes, his constant need to be negative and, obviously, the moderate dwarfism. Would anybody be surprised if Lupica couldn't ride in a car with a heated seat without exploding all over himself? But this type of confession coming from a man who prides himself on being a hard-edged columnist, a man's man and always right, this type of confession would be completely implausible. However it's totally, 100 percent true. Ask Filip Bondy.

Jemele Hill 'Fesses She's White: 4/1

Hey girl! Congrats on your award! I'm sorry, but Jemele Hill is just too good to be true. She's not only one of the most successful "black" sportswriters, but also a LADY black person sportswriter. (And she's good, too.) I don't buy it. So, don't let the braids and the whole Da Brat-thing fool you. At night after work, Jemele plops down on her IKEA couch, throws on her Five for Fighting records and sifts through the J. Crew catalog. Only after she's taken off the industrial-strength spray tan she's got on, of course. Do you know how badly that stuff stains carpets? Ask Filip Bondy again.

Tom Sorensen Confesses He Likes to Attend Mandingo Parties: EVEN

This Charlotte Observer columnist has all the impressions of a nice suburban Carolina family man, however, look behind that Mariucci-smile and you'll see an American Beauty-like palor. Tom needs some action — something not Carolina-bland or two-car garage lifeless. And "Tom Talks" just ain't gonna cut it. That's why, pretty soon, we'll see a very open, honest and completely horrifying blog post about how he, Tom Sorensen, has become addicted to Mandingo Parties. Sometimes one just isn't enough...

Sheldon Ocker Confesses He's a Frotteurist: 1/4

If you're in the Akron area, stay away from the spike brush hair of Sheldon Ocker. For, in an upcoming column, the lifelong Beacon Journal sportswriter will admit that he compulsively seeks out large groups of people so he can seductively rub up against them — without warning. He'll admit to stuffing himself into crowded elevators, taking two rush hour bus trips, and attending standing room only concerts just so he can get himself some of that sweet, sweet stranger rub. Ocker will admit he's a menace, but he just can't help himself. Once again, STAY AWAY from Sheldon Ocker. You too, Bondy.

Anyway, when the show "relaunches" May 7 — though it's staying in its oh-so-desirable 10 a.m. ET on ESPN2 time slot — it's going to try something "new." It's going to pit several different "personalities" in the unenviable position of facing off with Skip Bayless in an intellectual death match.

Patrick McEnroe, ESPN's Stephen A. Smith and ESPN.com columnist Jemele Hill will square off against Bayless, and each other, on the new ESPN First Take morning show, says Norby Williamson, ESPN's executive vice president of studio and remote production. Cold Pizza co-hosts Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson will continue with the show. Bayless, McEnroe, Smith and Hill will headline a rotating group who'll debate during the 1st and 10 segments.

"We tried out a lot of people for the last three months or so," Williamson says. "The goal is to have a group the audience can identify with."

We appreciate what Norby — Norby! — is going for here; Jemele Hill is a new hire who needs to cut her TV teeth somewhere, Patrick McEnroe needs a job and Stephen A., well, they have to find something for him to do. Heck, 10 a.m. on a Tuesday afternoon is about to become can't-miss sports television, we are sure.

ESPN Shooting For Better A.M. Debates [USA Today]

Well, since we posted about Hill's confusing but still well-written debut column on Wednesday, we've received several emails from on-the-down-low ESPNers with one clear message: The $400,000 figure is wrong, and she's not making that much.

It's difficult to imagine how the number could be conjured from thin air, and Hill actually have given an interview to The Big Lead, just before the figure was reported, but it has been pretty uniform: They all say the number is wrong.

The Big Lead, for their part, is sticking to their guns: "We stand by our story, and ESPN should stand by the salary they paid Hill. If she delivers, it's a moot point."

It could be expectations-tempering spin, or it could just be the correcting of a figure that seemed insane from the second we heard it. Whatever the figure is, it's clear Hill has a spotlight on her from the get-go over there; we just hope they're able to resist any more "Me On Me" headlines.

Welcome To Page 2, Ms. Hill [Deadspin]
Page 2 Has A New Hire [The Big Lead]

(Yes, yes, we know, she'll be doing more than just writing columns for ESPN, just play along, OK? It's an exercise.)

Hill's debut column is clearly cut from the Here Comes A Personality Simmons/Easterbrook/Scoop mold rather than the Just Reporting Out Here On The Edge, Where Pop Culture And Sports INTERSECT! Hruby/Alipour/Keri school. It's theoretically all about who she is, what she thinks, what you should know about her, so on, and it's well-written enough, if oddly defensive: Most people, presumably, have no idea who she is and have to be wondering why she's choosing to introduce herself by claiming that your perceptions of her are skewed. We have perceptions? Hey, lady, we just met!

Honestly, we wish Ms. Hill good luck with her new post and sincerely hope this is the last one titled "Me On Me."

Me On Me [ESPN]
Page 2 Hands Out The Lucre [The Big Lead]

Hill, most famous for her Riding Around With Athletes series and a private blog she wrote a while back that had some dopey white male sports reporters' panties all in an unnecessary bunch, should end up with a rather prominent space on that Page 2 masthead. How do we know? Because The Big Lead is reporting that she is — get ready — going to be paid $400,000 during her two-year stint.

No offense to Hill, but ... jiminy christmas.

So, anybody else looking for a job with The Leader, we suggest you start polishing up your resumes. And all you newspaper people reading this, please stop hitting yourself in the face with that shovel.

Page 2 Has A New Hire [The Big Lead]

(UPDATE: Hill confirms the hiring, but not the salary figure, on her site.)