David Stern insists with robotic regularity that his ballers are the "best athletes in the world". (Sometimes, when he's feeling particularly saucy, he goes with "most extraordinarily gifted".)

Apparently he's been doing this for awhile:

"Messrs. Jordan, Johnson, Bird, et al., made it clear that the NBA really does have — as Commissioner David Stern so often claims — "the best athletes in the world."

That, in an article about the original Dream Team. Written in 1992. Jesus, at least the man's on message!

In the past few weeks alone, though, several players have gotten this idea implanted a little too deeply in their minds. First Big Baby Davis informed the world that upon reaching NBA All-Star status he would like to return to football, although he did not "have a specific position in mind in the NFL."

Then LeBron James, a All-Ohio wide receiver in his youth, mused that "If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good, no matter what team I was on."

NFL players were skeptical. As Jeremy Shockey made the case on his Twitter :

If anyone was up to the task, I guess, it would be LeBron, modern marvel of mankind. No less an authority than former Cleveland Brown coach Eric Mangini even invited him to "come on down" before undermining that "he'd probably be good at baseball or soccer or swimming." Hmm. Two out of three ain't bad! And he's got this going for him, which is nice:

As for Rondo, this isn't the first time he has demonstrated a high regard for his speed. Last year he needled noted fast person Usain Bolt, informing him that the two would meet in 2012. This time, he set his sights slightly lower: Chris Johnson ran a 4.24 forty at the NFL Combine, the fastest recorded combine time ever.

So does Rondo have a chance to win the $2k purse? Probably not. The Sporting News' Bethlehem Shoals broke down the duel and, using complicated math equations, concluded that Rondo's forty time would clock in at something like a 5.15. That wouldn't even beat LeBron!

But with Johnson's recent counter that he could beat Rondo in a game of one-on-one, this is shaping up to be the most exciting competitive cross-pollination since Shaquille O'Neal challenged luminaries like Misty May-Treanor and Oscar de la Hoya in their native sports.

Stern can't be too happy: so far Shaq is 0-5.

This is Katie Baker, btw.

Are we being fair to Jeremy Shockey? Of course not. Houston's DeMeco Ryans was at least equally to blame (if not more so) for the altercation that began with a simple pass route, a grab of the jersey, a forearm to the head and all kinds of shoving. Plus, that was only the second fight of the day started by a Saints tight end. Buck Ortega started his own scrum against the Houston defense. Why so angry, America's tight ends?

One thing that everyone can agree on is that fighting in the preseason is a positive sign that demonstrates your team's determination to win ... or it's a horrible omen that exposes your team as wild and undisciplined. That's why we play the fake games!

Shockey at center of Saints-Texans brawl [WWLTV]

Sort of. Shockey won't go into the specifics about what vast array of elixirs his 250-lb. body ingested over his weekend in Vegas that left him woozy, disoriented and practically unconscious on that fateful Sunday afternoon by the implant-infested pools of Rehab, but he did hint at it being excessive:

If you're halfway intelligent you can read what everybody wrote," said Shockey, who was limited last season due to a sports hernia and didn't score a touchdown during his first season in New Orleans. "You know what they say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That's in the past. I'm looking forward to the future."

Shockey hasn't done much in New Orleans since he arrived last year from the Giants. He had a sports hernia that hampered him most of last season and didn't score any touchdowns. Many of his teammates were irked by his sucky play and suckier attitude, especially quarterback Drew Brees. Shockey did finally report to voluntary mini-camp with the rest of the Saints family this week.

New Orleans Tight End Jeremy Shockey Opens Up, With A Notable Exception [NOLA]

Ms. Fortunato has been a fixture at Giants games for 30 years, routinely delighting fans and players alike with her enthusiastic antics. These have included, from time to time, large signs and small outfits. But two weeks ago, Fortuna ran afoul of stadium security. All of a sudden her act is forbidden.

"Last Sunday, Sondra, whose niece, Paula, is divorcing Sumner Redstone, arrived at the Meadowlands in a tiara, fishnets, a Santa outfit, a bathing-suit bottom and high-heeled boots. "Nothing was showing," she insisted. "You couldn't even see my underwear. I don't flash!"

She carried a suitcase containing Christmas presents, and held a pair of 11-by-17 signs. One read, "Go Giants." The other, "Have a No Guns Christmas." Then, Sondra was escorted to the security office — "where all the alcoholics and drunks and people ejected from the stadium stay."

There is a no-signs policy at Meadowlands for Giants games, but Sondra says that the team routinely ignores it. Now all of a sudden, she's being singled out.

The Giants maintain that Sondra was ejected because she violated rules against signs and baggage.

Well, signs can be successfully stopped at the gate, I suppose. But there are some things that the Meadowlands are powerless to stop from being smuggled in. Oh, and our Sondra does get around, eh?

Giants Fan Ejected For Having Large Breasts [Don Chavez]
Knocker Blockers [New York Post]

Payton announced that Chesney would have two chances to make the catch, but then modified it to three chances after Chesney failed on the first two attempts:

"On the first one, I totally blew it," said Chesney, who played receiver in high school in Tennessee. "On the second one, not only were they offside, but they interfered with me."

So Chesney was given a third chance, which he bobbled, but did not drop, sending players into celebration, most noticeably Reggie Bush, who hurled a water bottle across the field.

"Reggie told me I better not drop the third one because he didn't want to practice," Chesney said.

All of this is well and good but then Coach Payton dropped this bombshell, "Payton volunteered a story he heard about Chesney helping Saints cornerback Mike McKenzie undress for a shower last January while the two were in Birmingham, Ala., to rehabilitate from surgery."

What?

As if all this weren't enough from one goldmine of a story, Chesney talked about Jeremy Shockey, Chesney then told a story about a concert in Albany, N.Y., six years ago, when Payton was an assistant with the New York Giants drawing up plays for then-rookie tight end Jeremy Shockey, who recently was traded to the Saints.

"Quite a few of the New York Giants came out to our show that night ... and they had an 11 o'clock curfew," Chesney recalled. "Everybody was getting ready to leave except Shockey. All the guys were trying to get Shockey to come back and he goes, 'I can afford the fine.' He stayed out a long time."

Yeah, Shockey's going to do fine in New Orleans. There's never any reason to stay out late there.

Kenny Chesney gets another chance at Saints camp [WWL AM870]

Shockey’s rift with the Giants front office (and with anyone associated with the Giants in general) made his departure something of a fait accompli. And Saints coach Sean Payton has reportedly coveted Shockey for quite some time now.
Payton often wears a visor on the sideline. And, if there’s anyone who likes Jeremy Shockey, it’s guys who wear visors. Shockey will be counted on to help bring the Saints’ passing game back to where it was in 2006 (not bloody likely). He’ll also be asked to prematurely showboat for the cameras during any last-second losses.

Shockey will also try to help aid in Katrina recovery efforts in his new hometown by throwing himself birthday parties and charging all invitees $50 at the door. $10 off if he thinks you have cute tits.

Shockey leaves behind a mixed legacy in New York. And by mixed, I mean pathetic. He was drafted to be the spiritual heir to Mark Bavaro. But Bavaro was quiet, humble, productive, played through injury, and wasn’t a complete moron. Shockey, as you know, turned out to be quite the opposite. No one was better at dropping a pass, and then standing around like an idiot and acting shocked at having dropped a pass. "Brah, I can't believe I dropped that pass!" He leaves town as the tight end equivalent of Brian Bosworth.

So long, Asshooligan. I’m pretty sure The Big Apple will survive without you.

What a throwaway nation we are. This is what I was thinking walking my Writers Guild Shift yesterday. People were talking about Hillary Clinton's tumble from sure No. 1 draft pick status. Which only left me pondering the wastebasketization of someone way more important to the quality of life and the future security of our great nation — Jeremy Shockey!

Shockey!

Since Big Blue's greatest warrior was carted off the field with a busted wheel six weeks ago, his place has been taken by Kevin Boss, a guy so huge he seems not to have a head. Boss has played great, and pretty much mistake-free, save for a holding call and a couple dropped passes, throughout the Giants' Super Bowl run.

Some people are reacting as if Kevin Boss is the Tom Brady of tight ends, some future Hall-of-Fame diamond in the rough. Some people are saying the Giants don't need Shockey! Some people are saying the Giants only made it to the Super Bowl because they don't have Shockey! That Eli Manning's quarterbacking, and the team's performance, is better without Achilles at arms upon the Plains of Troy! Some have even mentioned to me that Giants would be wise to trade Shockey!

Those who entertain such thoughts will be rounded up and shot.

What a throwaway nation we are. Boss-ites go around trafficking in treason and taunting us aloud with: "Where is Jeremy Shockey?"

I'll tell you where Shockey! is. Upon awakening in the recovery room following an operation on his leg, Shockey tore the tubes out of his arm and tried to get back to the Giants. Two burly orderlies tried to restrain him. But they were about as good at holding Shockey! down as the Dallas Cowboys defense. Two unconscious orderlies, one destroyed hospital ward and one SWAT team later, Shockey, still fighting to get back to the Giants, was finally multi-tasered. He was shackled and carted off in restraints to a maximum security holding cell at a Super Max prison on the high plains in Colorado.

That's how much Shockey! wanted to suit up for Big Blue. So much even the Super Max couldn't restrain him. He grabbed a couple crazed killers and, using them as human shields, broke out of SuperMax, zig-zagging on his not-yet-rehabbed leg through the spray of machine gun bullets and automatic arms fire. He laughed his way over the electrified, barbed wire fence only to find himself encircled by a ring of U.S. Army tanks and a voice coming through a megaphone telling him he wasn't yet medically cleared to play.

So the Giants will go with Kevin Boss. Leaving Shockey! where, exactly? The trail's gone cold, and I suspect his whereabouts are known only to a select few. The last I heard, he'd been sedated, locked in a cage and flown to a remote CIA outpost on a rocky island off the West coast of South Korea. The only way to know where he is and how much Shockey! wants to play in this Super Bowl are by the needle spikes on the seismograph in labs at Seoul and Manila.

But even without Shockey! the Giants will win. I know this because I am the same guy who predicted in my preview before the season even began that the Giants would wind up with the Vince Lombardi Trophy at year's end.

The Patriots will score 17 or 20 points. They'll score off a blocked Tynes field goal and you've got to figure Brady's arm is worth another 10 or 14 more.

But the Giants will outscore them. They will pound down the Pats defense. Eli will throw three TD passes and Tynes will kick one of two through the uprights. The turning point in the game will come early on, and, ultimately, the Patriots' and Rodney Harrison's toe tags will read: Cause of Death - Brandon Jacobs' knee.

It will be a great victory. One we can tape and take in the casket beside us to watch on our journey to the Great Blue Beyond.

But don't tell me it couldn't have happened with No. 80.

He'd like you to dance and drink for him.

Manhattan's hottest, newest nightclub is hosting Jeremy Shockey's New Year's Eve Party and we want to surround his guys with the city's hottest girls. If you think you can dress, dance, and drink the part, then please send one head and one body shot, as well as your name and contact info, to brunofierce@gmail.com. Free entry and open bar all night long to the ladies we select.

In case you had forgotten what life as a professional athlete is like, you can simply promise hot girls free booze and free entry to your party, and they will send you pictures of themselves and then dance for you. Nice gig, if you can get it.

LADIES! Attend Jeremy Shockey's New Year's Eve Party & Drink For Free! [Craig's List]

Last year the British government decided J.M.W. Turner's watercolor, "The Blue Rigi," was too valuable a possession to be let out of the country and sent to the U.S., so forgive one American for getting a little worked up over allowing them to see one of our national masterpieces, Jeremy Shockey!

On Sunday, the New York Giants' tight end, along with his teammates, is playing the first regular season NFL game outside North America, at London's Wembley Stadium, against the Miami Dolphins. I have no problem with the general concept; teams should be free to cross international boundaries the same way great art is. Trade, commerce, ideas - fine. Let the rest of Big Blue and The Fish tangle, but we've made an incalculable blunder by letting Shockey go.

National treasures should not leave our safekeeping. Shockey! (I always inscribe the name this way because the man is a living, breathing football-playing exclamation; besides, pity the puny period that tries to stop him) should not be exported, even if for only a few days, because it diminishes this country, and puts our identity at risk. It chisels off a piece of our bedrock and blithely puts it in the hands of foreigners who couldn't conclude its net worth even if Sherlock Holmes was on the case.

Do you sleep more soundly knowing Shockey! is here or seeing him displayed on foreign soil standing next to a Beefeater? The answer's simple.

Shockey! is everything America has got going for it.

Shockey! exhibits an insane disregard for his well-being. And so does America.

Shockey! punishes evildoers (in a game his rookie year of 2002, Philadelphia defender Bryan Dawkins broke the Giants' Ike Hilliard's collarbone with a cheap hit. Later in the year, fighting for a playoff spot in the season's last regular-season game, Shockey! caught a crucial touchdown pass in the end zone, came down on top of Dawkins, pasted the football on his opponent's facemask and declared, "That's for Ike."). Well that's just like America. Saddam Hussein took a cheap shot at Kuwait, and we wound up shoving the pigskin in his face, didn't we?

Shockey! sometimes gets carried away and does stupid things. And so does America.

Shockey! likes to party. So does America.

Shockey! has a tattoo. And, look around, so does America.

It took the mere prospect of an agreement to let the United Arab Emirates oversee security operations at our ports for Congress and the rest of us to huff and puff up a hurricane of outrage about how we were compromising our country's strength. And yet, as regards shipping out Shockey! not a peep from the government. Not a word from any of the Presidential candidates. Bill O'Reilly falls silent. Wolf Blitzer spits the bit.

Yeah, I know our borders aren't secure, we're waging a global war against terrorism and California is burning, but where is the Department of Homeland Security when we really need it?

Everyone knows I drink here and everyone knows I go out and party, but I take good care of my body. I play hard. In life, I live life hard. I play hard on the football field. That's just my mentality.

Oh, and Shockey also talked about Eli Manning's inability to get him the ball and called Tom Coughlin "an ass." Outstanding! We just wish that more NFL players acted like Dom from Entourage. Although a little Clinton Portis dress-up wouldn't hurt next time.

Shockey Says His Partying Hasn't Slowed At All [MSNBC]

It was a crushing loss for the Giants, but one good — no, great — thing has come out of it: an animated GIF of Jeremy Shockey's premature celebration at the end of the fourth quarter, right before Feely missed his first kick (via The Best Sports Blog). It's really something that cannot be experienced a mere one time. Shockey is cocky ... brash ... elated ... hey, what's all the commotion over there? ... oh ... wha-wha-whaaaa?.

If there's any justice in the world, it'll become the Shockey's lasting, iconic image.

Jeremy Shockey s Mastercard Moment [The Best Sports Blog]