It's true: The network just announced that it's developing a reality show centered on the life and times of Owens, who may or may not even be with he Cowboys next season. "VH1 announced Monday that the series takes place in the offseason, and T.O.'s best friends and publicists — Monique Jackson and Kita Williams — will help him re-examine his personal life. The two will work as 'matchmakers and therapists' for Owens." Sounds like I'm gonna need a whole handful of caffeine pills to stay awake through this.

That caps an exciting day in Cowboys news in which we also learn that tight end Martellus Bennett has recorded a rap song in which, among other things, he rhymes "Romo" with "homo;" and Romo's beloved intended, Jessica Simpson, appears at a chili cookoff in Florida showing off a few (dozen) extra pounds.

In case you're looking for Bennett's video, YouTube seems to have taken it down ... at the Cowboys' behest? By all accounts it was pretty bad. Here's a description:

It's just about what you'd expect from the Cowboys' wildly entertaining, slightly crazy young tight end. His first video features Bennett busting a freestyle rap bragging about having "Jerry Jones money" (while wearing a Cowboys helmet) and includes a bunch of words that aren't allowed to be used on this here blog. He has another R-rated rap titled, "Google Me" on his MySpace page. Hey, what do you expect from a goofy 21-year-old millionaire who doesn't have any professional obligations other than to work out daily? But I did call Bennett to request that he tone down the language in his raps.

Meanwhile, the center photo of Jessica Simpson above was taken at the 99.9 Kiss Country Chili Cookoff at C.B. Smith Park in Ft. Lauderdale on Sunday. Quite a transformation since July, I must say. Jessica, in WhyFame.com:

"Curves are better. I don't get the whole rail thing. It's not good for your heart, it's not good for your mind; it's emotionally destructive, it really is."

Plus, you're warmer in the winter.

If it was Jerry Jones' intention to bring some normalcy back to his team and return to the basics of football for the coming season, well, mission accomplished, my friend! The only thing missing is an actual clown car.

Jessica Simpson Has Gained A Couple Larry Legends (Lbs) [Sports Crackle Pop]
Breaking: Tony Romo Now Dating Dolly Parton [The Sports Hernia]
Get Cha Popcorn Ready, TO To Get Own Reality Show [Slow Breaker]
Martellus Bennett Has A Dirty Mouth And A Lot Of Free Time [Dallas Morning News]

First, of course, we had to get a ticket. If you remember the original story (and we know you have it on your fridge), all one had to do to acquire access to the bliss that can only come from being in the same cavernous mallpark as Jessica Simpson was to spend money at Fry's Food and Drug. (Unfortunately, you had to choose food.)

Jessica's glossy face awaits you when you enter the front of the store, beckoning you to gorge on PepsiCo products (which is why you'll need the ProActiv, we assume) to finally be able to grace her presence. We started stacking our cart full of Diet Pepsi and Sobe Water when spotted some fine, fine print:

Did we have enough magical Fry's points to spend on such a titillating offer? No, sadly... we've just moved to this fine clime and therefore have not shopped at Fry's enough (or been to enough Diamondbacks games) to gather the needed points. However, we estimate that it only takes 4-6 weeks of feeding the gaping maws of the little lights of your life to gather up enough Fry's points to make this happen. So now you know the price of getting close enough to Jessica Simpson to see the roots. (Of her country music career.)

Ooh! Chip bowl! Classy.

We had spent enough to get our magical receipt, vesting us with the power to claim a free Jessica Simpson concert ticket (with extra baseball!) by the time we left Fry's. We considered various plots to gather the necessary Fry's points to get closer to the story, but we reconsidered. We weren't actually all that sure how close we wanted to get to the phenomenon. In the end, we chose to stay in the stands and work the general crowd, avoiding the Jessica Simpson fangirls and boys.

Also, we might need those Fry's points for something important someday.

We sprinted out of our home right after Deadspin work last night to make it just in time for the game, though not in time to get in on the Dan Haren bobblehead night. (You owe us a bobblehead, Unsilent!) We weren't overwhelmed with the walkup crowd when we arrived, but we were concerned our magical free ticket may not be available anymore. After all, there may not be a Jessica Simpson explosion in fan attendance, but 'free' tickets to a baseball team in a playoff race are 'free' tickets to a baseball team in a playoff race.

Our concerns were unfounded, though; we snatched up our free ticket with little trouble. The ticket vendor told us that many people had indeed cashed in their receipts and to expect a full upper deck tonight. (What, you didn't think they were giving away the seats they were making money on, did you?)

Sure enough, the upper deck did seem rather full (at least for a Diamondbacks game), but the composition of the crowd struck us. We found ourselves surrounded by families (as you'd expect on a Saturday in the cheap seats) and many pre-teen and teenage girls with questionable interest in the game. Did the Diamondbacks actually get the atypical teenage girl crowd to attend a Saturday night game to see their heroine?

The Diamondbacks did pull out all the stops to lure the girls into becoming baseball fans. They invited the ESPY-laden heroines of college softball after telling their story of carrying an opposing player around the bases.

Jessica herself came out in the fifth to pimp her appearance and put on her best performance of the evening: not cringing at the forced flirting dialogue. ("Sorry; I have a boyfriend. Did I mention I have a boyfriend? He's a football player. He plays sports. I'm dating the quarterback. Do you know my boyfriend?" This would become a theme.)

Also, CDs were given away to certain sections, ones part of the evening's ticket giveaway. (We did not win. Or maybe we did.)

Also, apropos of nothing, we saw this: it's a canine on a chicken with a battering ram beating up a burrito. The kids love that, right?

Unfortunately, the Diamondbacks failed to order up a decent baseball game. Between the Reds' Edinson Volquez fidgeting often on the mound as Dusty Baker rode him hard and put him up wet and then both managers switching to situational pitching bingo in the late innings, the kids around us began to fidget. We secretly rooted for chaos and a 14-inning game to push the start of the concert past midnight.

When the Reds tied the game again in the top of the ninth, we got our wish and thousands of little girls turned to their parents and asked, "Why are they still playing?" Of course, our answer ("only because they're contractually obligated, honey") probably wasn't the appropriate one. Kids lurched between sugar highs (one child a few rows back screamed without apparent external stimulus for a solid 15 minutes) and sugar crashes (weeping, sleeping, and drinkin... wait, those were the adults).

Eventually, though, like all things Dusty, it ended well after it should have with heartbreak all around. The game took four hours to complete 10 innings (!!!), leaving the little darlings waiting for a Jessica Simpson concert until 9:30 local time.

Then the exodus began. At one point, we became concerned that people named "Simpson" might outnumber other people in Chase Field by the time the concert started.

However, as the "stage" was constructed, we noticed the rush for the doors slowing quite considerably. People had moved down to the lower bowl, sure, but there were still many thousands left. (When Miss Simpson stepped up to the stage, she exclaimed, "I didn't expect so many of you to stay!" Neither did we.)


The Fry's VIPs (and is there any more cheapened acronym in America since "RBI"?) filtered onto the field and we were near the moment of truth. How would America's newest country star enter this new stage of her life?

It was at this moment that we realized this would not end well. We did not expect wacky morning DJs. Nothing good can come from wacky morning DJs.

Then the woman of the evening strolls slowly to her stage, sipping from a travel mug and chatting with her handlers. This wasn't a grand introduction; it was an accidental entrance.

She gave an extended introduction to the crowd, managing to mention her boyfriend who plays football a few times. (By the way, the heartiest sounds of the night came from feverishly booing Tony Romo and the Cowboys. She tried to get everyone to agree that hey, we may disagree on the Cowboys, but those Eagles suck, don't they? More boos. Jessica, unless it's reggaeton or Christian rock, it's not a musical football interlude in Phoenix.)

Her sponsors could not have been pleased with what happened next: she sang. Specifically, she sang Nancy Sinatra (so we're getting her Miss Piggy duet?) and then launched into her own tunes. At first, the sound system robbed us of the ability to hear her, but then someone ruined that. She caterwauled, yodeled, and shouted various lyrics breathlessly in a manner that would have cleared the place out if...

... well, actually, she did. As it turned out, the bulk of the "concertgoers" had been gawkers from the game, wondering what to expect from the ingenue emeritus. Once they got a sample (and possibly got in a few mocking shots), they bolted for the exits as if a Marlins game broke out.

Honestly, she tried so hard that our heart broke for her. She flailed wildly, trying to show emotion and effort. She even almost memorized the banter between songs, only failing when asked to tell us which two songs she's loved for so many years that she stole from to make her own song. (By the way, "stole" was her word.) She was simply awful, though.

She really only seemed to be genuinely speaking for herself when she talked about her boyfriend and the song she wrote for her boyfriend and she loves her boyfriend. (Of course, according to at least one Philly fan, she might be misguided there, too.)

We stuck it out for a few more songs, hoping for... well, we don't know. Anything to make a happy ending. It didn't happen. When we slipped down to the lower level, one of the ushers shrugged at me and said, "I hope she doesn't plan on selling any albums."

However, the Diamondbacks possibly sold baseball to a few more families they need to build a fan base that nearly disappeared in 2004 Also, Jessica might have pulled in a few more fans for her new album and we all know the value of the publicity. Even PepsiCo and Fry's got to associate themselves with sexy wholesomeness. So from a polished and calculated corporate synergistic standpoint, we suppose it wasn't a total loss.

On the other hand, all we saw last night was a young woman way in over her head trying her damnedest to hit her spots and sing many of the prescribed notes and name drop as many people as possible to prove to everyone (and especially herself) she belonged wherever she thought she was last night. We really didn't expect that part.

Worse yet, that "free" part isn't far off. If a local Arizonan wanders into a Fry's Food and Drug and drops $15 on PepsiCo products, they get an upper-deck ticket to the game. They are, for all intents and purposes, giving tickets away to a Jessica Simpson concert.

Neil Diamond is playing Fenway tonight, by the way. No free tickets; no game beforehand. Just, you know, Neil Diamond. And he hasn't shown us his chest in 20 years.

Country music's newest star Jessica Simpson to perform at Chase Field following D-backs game on Sept. 13 [MLB.com]

Because otherwise he gets lonely. At least according to the always reliable Sun newspaper. Do you think Nick Lachey is more jealous of Tony Romo than he is of his ex-wife? I sort of do. I'm picturing Lachey reading this and thinking, "Damn, that could have been me on the webcam with Tony."

Anyway, according to the Sun the stripteases are not without danger:

The pal added: “Jess does get paranoid, making sure Tony doesn’t have any of his Cowboys buddies peeking in on the show.”

Peeking? She's not missing Pacman making it rain. Or her dad bringing popcorn and Mello Yello over to watch.

Jessica's sexy web strips [The Sun]
Jessica Simpson Wiggles on Webcam for Romo [SportsbyBrooks]

Journey? Really? By my calculations, Romo was 5 years old when that band was last relevant. Other CDs found in Romo's car:

• Foreigner.

• Huey Lewis & the News.

• Wham!

• Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy

• Simple Minds

Jessica Simpson's Massive Cleavage-Revealing Dress Steals The Show In Lake Tahoe [The Insider]

Multiply this by about 600, with not a single variation. It's almost as if Romo has indeed dumped her, and is using a Jessica robot for public appearances. Said one onlooker: "Being stupid is apparently not an act." Jessica was on hand all weekend, and had a private VIP booth on the 17th hole. On Saturday, she walked down the fairway with Romo on the 18th, and then the two quickly left the course; even though Romo had promised to stay for a press conference (he was in second place at the time).

Was it fair to allow Jessica on the premises to begin with? Kids show up to get an autograph from Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky, and end up with giant white bazooms right at eye level. Welcome to Tahoe: Puberty comes two years early.

But not for the fellow below: He has eyes for only one man. Is there anything sadder than a guy wearing a Brady Quinn jersey watching Charles Barkley golf? I suspect the answer is no. You have to admire this lad, though; with star quarterbacks such as Romo, Ben Roethlisberger and John Elway on the premises, he decided to represent the brown-and-orange and his No. 1 man, who wasn't even at the event. You keep it real, Brady Quinn fan! (Is later found bloody and pummeled on the beach).

(Jessica Simpson photo by Dan Thrift, Tahoe Daily Tribune)

Former Major League Pitcher Overtakes Quinn To Win Seventh American Century [Tahoe Daily Tribune]

However, according to this latest report from Dallas Morning News' Allan Peppard, he begrudgingly reports that the dingbat ship has officially sailed off forever:

But after taking several oaths not to divulge my sources, two people close to Tony and Jess have told me that the glam couple is over, splitsville, kaput, put a fork in it.

Now, of course, until there is the official-official statement through Jessica's father expressing his own inappropriate amount of heartbreak and infinite sadness over this, there still may be hope for these two crazy kids. But if it is true, well, this column does become that much more relevant.

Sources confirm Tony Romo break-up [Dallas Morning News]

But there is some bad news for those who hoped that Tony Romo's blue icing-swallowing jinx, Jessica Simpson, would pop up in episodes — it's not going to happen. So says HBO president Ross Greenburg and NFL Films guru Steve Sabol to a roomful of Cowboys' reporters:

This is not the E Television Network," HBO Sports president Ross Greenburg said with a somewhat straight face. "This is HBO and HBO Sports. We're doing it for the avid football fan that used to watch Inside the NFL."

NFL Films president Steve Sabol said Jess wouldn't be a major part of the show "unless she's out there running 7-on-7 drills."

Yes, you got that? The show is not called "Hard Knockers" for a reason, you tabloid trash-digesting philistines.

HBO Exec: Jess Will Not Be A Hard Knocks Star [DallasCowboys Blog]

Yes, according to Robin Leach — who's yelling and he DOESN'T KNOW WHY — Tony Romo dropped a considerable bundle in Vegas and upset poor little Jessica Simpson. An excerpt:

It began when Jessica, Tony and the players all hit the Peacock Lounge for high limit blackjack. Jessica was said to have won $5,000 and then they retired to their penthouse while the others went onto the Body English nightclub. The couple even spent some time tanning in the sunshine rays at the new $8 million makeover pool at the Hard Rock while watching the NFL draft on their private cabana HD TV screens. At some point, however, allegedly Tony, who was rumored to be paid a $15,000 appearance fee at Body English took the money and went gambling. My spywitnesses tell me that by the time he was finished he'd lost a fortune and I swear to you I was told that the figure could have run as high as a whopping $2.5 million. Whatever the staggering loss totaled it immediately put a damper on their fun weekend. I'm reliably told Hard Rock officials offered to pay Jessica a bonus $25,000 if she'd co-host at Body English the second night with Tony.

Allegedly a livid Jessica refused because she's paid far more for personal appearances and the fun weekend had suddenly turned into a commercial gig. Also she was said to be "angry beyond words" over his gambling and the large loss. Insiders told me that one thing led to another and they wound up in a "furious fight."

It's worth noting that Romo just signed a new deal last year, and hey, good thing! Otherwise, Simpson's gonna have to start charging even more for personal appearances.

DID JESSICA & TONY'S LOVE MATCH TURN SOUR AT REHAB RE-OPENING OVER $2.5 MILLION BET? [Vegas Lux Life]

A black man witnessed the entire stunning event take place right in front of him. He, too, was concerned about what to do with this mysterious woman covered in blue icing.

"If he's not going to say anything about the blue icing, maybe I should?" he thought to himself.

The woman covered in blue icing inched closer to the Cowboys' quarterback. The black man became more and more concerned.

"She's going to get blue icing on him if he's not careful..." he thought. But he was frozen, overcome with aprehension and mesmerized by her moxie .

She moved in closer...

....

....

"Noooooo!", the black man thought, "I could've prevented this. I should've done something."

The Cowboys' quarterback was powerless. The blonde woman with the mysterious blue icing leaned in and attacked the 28-year-old's tongue in front of the roomful of stunned onlookers. The Cowboys' quarterback was covered in blue icing. Chaos ensued.

The woman has yet to be identified and is still on the loose. Beware.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo [D Magazine] [via With Leather]

On Tirico's radio show yesterday, Big Ben had this to say about playing the Cowboys:

"I got to play at Dallas, I think it was my rookie year," Roethlisberger said. "I'm glad they're coming up here to play us. I'm thinking about sending an all-expenses paid trip for Tony (Romo) to go to Mexico."

Tafoya shot back, "I thought you were going to bring Jessica to you." And Roethlisberger played along. "We could do that too," Big Ben said. "I might just fly her in."

Roethlisberger, who was at one point dating the very flexible professional golfer Natalie Gulbis, may have unwittingly jinxed his team with this comment. Good news for Jessica Simpson, however, who has seemingly earned herself a free trip to Pittsburgh. It's very pretty there in December.

Big Ben Takes Aim [Dallas Morning News]
Ben Roethlisberger takes jab at Cowboys and Tony Romo [Steelers Live]

Jessica Simpson is head over heels in love with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo - and close pals say an engagement might be around the corner. "I think they're going to get married," Romo's close friend of three years, Michael Starr, says in the latest issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now. Starr's prediction comes on top of Romo's former fling Sophia Bush telling Us, "I think they could go the distance."

You know what this means; no more Mexican vacations, no more pink Cowboys jerseys, no more fun of any kind. Just kids running amok, toys scattered throughout the living room and Jessica in house slippers, 30 pounds overweight and smoking a butt. Cowboys fans, you're home free.

Tony Romo And Jessica Simpson Getting Married? [SportsbyBrooks]

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. "He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends," a pal of the singer tells OK!. "'Just friends' is not in Jessica's vocabulary, and she is not a victim. She knows how bad this will look in the media." But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up, and so Tony invited her on what he thought would be the worst date of her life: a hunting trip! "It's Tony's way of punishing Jess," laughs her friend. "Jessica Simpson hunting — and without her entourage? Forget it!"

You know, to tell you the truth, I'm so sick of this whole thing I feel like hitting myself repeatedly in the head with a circus mallet. Dump her, keep her, I don't care! (Retires to bedroom, closes door, rips Romo-Simpson People Magazine cover to shreds. Pulls knees up to chin and cries).

Tony Romo Tires Of Jessica [OK!]

Heh Heh [A Large Regular]

Veteran Michael Strahan came to Romo's defense on Thursday, saying the young heartthrob had every right to go to a Mexico resort with Simpson and other teammates during the Cowboys' recent bye week. "You guys love to say, 'Oh, he is coming off the beach and he is dating Jessica Simpson' — please!" Strahan said during a news conference Thursday after the Giants practiced for Sunday's game against the Cowboys in the NFC semifinal. "Heck, if Jessica Simpson wanted to date me, I may give her a shot," said the recently divorced Strahan.

We're assured that Sunday's game at Dallas will be Simpson free; which is good for everyone involved.

Oh, and here's your Terrell Owens update. Looks like Terrell will be at the dance, girls. He will be there.

Strahan Will Say Yes To Simpson If Romo Doesn't [MSNBC]
Dallas Cowboys' Owens Says He'll Play Vs. Giants [Dallas Morning News]

Anyway, the talented and versatile Ms. Simpson has not announced whether or not she's going to be in Irving for the game this Sunday, so Vegas is, as they tend to do, putting odds on it.

Yes (Must be shown on TV) -120
No (Any wagers placed after the result is public knowledge will be no action) -120

You Been Blinded points out that Romo and Simpson could make some serious cash simply by betting and then having her show up. (Or otherwise.) Would that count as gambling on football? We wouldn't think so.

Will Jessica Simpson Be At The Cowboys Game? Bet On It [You Been Blinded]

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson's Mexican vacation, ("Looking good, Billy Ray!" "Feeling good, Louis!") have people pretty much up in arms in Dallas, where they figure that — since they haven't won a playoff game since 1996 — their starting quarterback should be home, sealed in a Tupperware container until game time. Or at least playing an Xbox simulation.

While no one expects Romo and the Cowboys to spend the bye weekend at Valley Ranch watching tape, they had to know that spending it on vacation in Mexico will not go over well — especially if they lose next weekend. According to one Cowboys staffer, "It just doesn't look good."

Good thing there aren't any other distractions that might hinder the Cowboys this weekend.

Jessica And Tony's Mexican Getaway [Flynetonline]
Cowboys Are So Done — Romo's Mexican Vacation [The Big Lead]
League Source: Dolphins Will Hire Sparano As Head Coach [Blogging The Boys]
So This Is How Romo Prepares For A Big Game [Cowboys Corner]
Romo And The Simpsons Go South Of The Border [Deadspin]