Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen got his face intercepted by a man's fist outside a South Bend bar, and pretty soon everyone started doing the Rashomon thing.

On the occasion of the Sports Fella's appearance atop The New York Times bestseller list, Leitch wrote: "Good ideas win out. Perseverance and new perspectives break through. The old rots and washes away. Sometimes the good guys win." Charles P. Pierce saw things differently, writing of Simmons: "You are not the cosmos, son. Get the fuck over yourself. "

"In an effort to reinvent myself, in a cut throat industry that was becoming more and more competitive the deeper I swam," Jenn Sterger wrote, "I made the decision to go against the grain and remove my implants." This is our generation's answer to Thoreau's Walden. The results of her decision were subsequently Tweeted.

A semi-pro football player tackled his teammate, and Barry Petchesky provided the video.

Dash's gallery of sports-themed Halloween costumes spawned two sequels. The highlight was this cogent piece of media criticism.

Leitch launched his Aughts retrospective with this massive gallery of the decade's towering failures.

With the yank of a ponytail, New Mexico women's soccer player Elizabeth Lambert became an American symbol of something or other, and then all was forgiven after she wore a pretty pink crinkle scarf in the New York Times.

The Clemson rowing team got some exposure ...

... as did Grady Sizemore, whose extensive self-portraiture was swiped from his girlfriend's e-mail account.

And then Tiger Woods, a well-known golfing personage, went and crashed his car into a fire hydrant and a tree in the early morning after Thanksgiving. He had cuts on his face, which may or may not have been caused by his wife, who may or may not have been reacting to rumors of Tiger's cheating heart. I will defer here to friend of Deadspin Chas, who notes that Tiger is the best there was when laying two.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Thanks For Thinking Of Us While Rummaging Through Your Good Friend's Facebook

AJ,

Big fan…longtime reader, first time emailer. Check out the attached photo. This is from a good friend's Facebook profile. It sure looks to me like Mark Cuban has his way with the ladies in Vegas. Use if you'd like, but please keep my name off.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

P.S. I got some other good Vegas pics of chicks with athletes. I'll email them later.

Good To Know ND Players Are Taking Photos During Practice

Got this from a friend on the team. Jimmy's visor he is practicing with and will wear on saturday night.

Trafficking in Slieze

I am unable to find so much as an unsupported allegation of impropriety by Tiger anywhere in your latest piece of trash in what has become a steady flow a slieze. I come here often and get some big laughs, but I've just about had enough. Are you people trying to see how irresposible and harmful you can be? Bill DeMark

Young Simmons Fan May Have Inadvertently Gotten His Fraternity in Trouble

"Q: I'm pledging a fraternity right now. Last night they put us in a cold shower for one hour and then tied us up outside to a pole wearing only our boxers in 30-degree weather for a couple of hours and I'm positive that the only thing that kept me from getting hypothermia was the fact that I knew you were suffering more knowing that a likeable Yankees team won the World Series. I want to say thank you for keeping me motivated.
— Eli, Binghamton, N.Y."

The above quote is from Bill Simmons popular mailbag column on ESPN.com, published here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnflpicks/091125

The behavior portrayed here is extremely disturbing and clearly constitutes hazing, and are grounds for felony and misdemeanor hazing charges. This student appears mentally unstable in believing that somebody's misery saved them from contracting hypothermia, and this certainly is a result of hazing brain-washing techniques.

I suggest you look into this situation, and further investigate the people behind these criminal acts. If in fact "Eli" student was dumb enough to use his own name in bragging about this hazing incident, it should not be difficult to find out who he is, and which fraternity he is pledging.

From the Binghamton University Police Policy:

"Binghamton University Policy on Hazing

Hazing, in any form, is not an accepted practice in Fraternity and Sorority Affairs. Binghamton University takes a strong and proactive stance against hazing for all students on campus. Hazing is against university policy and New York State Law. Please refer to the student code of conduct for a complete definition."

These are the NY state laws on hazing:

http://www.stophazing.org/laws/ny_law.htm

Thanks For Taking Some Time To Stop Drinking And Apply For A Job At Deadspin

Dashiell

I love deadspin! I am interrupting my thanksgiving because I'm forseeing a
blackout and i think i have a solid article idea. Oh my God my grandma
just asked me what a computer does. Anyways Jim Nantz for third time in
the first quarter has called a player down before actually being tackled
and then exclaims when the player riffles off like 5 more yards. Is this
clearly an attempt to make sound bites or does he announce flag football
and is confused as to when a player is down?

My dream is to become a deadspin writer or contributer and have been
caught by my boss many times and he says who pays you the dumb websites
you look at or me. Then I have to tell him that the actual owner is the
one who signs my modest checks not him. How does one get on the deadspin
team? This is not my best idea im a little buzzed and cannot believe how
well im spelling. Hope to hear from you.

Happy Thanksgiving
John L. D

And Here Are Two Photos of Billy Gillispie At A Lexington Bar Sent To Us For No Reason

And Everyone Tries To Fuck With Drew After Pat Murphy

Drew,
I am a student here at the University of Alabama, and have a short and sweet story about the Nicktator. A friend of mine works up at the athletic department, and one day she decided that she would make banana pudding for Coach Saban. So she shows up one afternoon and can not find Saban, and learns he has just left the building. Cute girl, chases down Saban as he is approaching his car. She walks up to him, and offers him the banana pudding she has made just for him. He sternly responds, "I don't eat banana pudding", gets in his car and speeds off. He knew someone with such penchant for Little Debbie does not like banana pudding.

•Dear Texans fans: What the fuck? It would be wrong to paint an entire fanbase with the same brush as the twisted mind who created this...companion, but, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm gonna do.

•A real, practicing judge took the time to rule the Happy Gilmore running swing illegal in the province of Nova Scotia. This is what happens when your court system isn't clogged up with frivolous lawsuits and Guantanamo detainees.

•The talented QB who's unjustly hated because of the snobby team he plays for is likely to be under center this weekend, despite his head injuries. Roethlisberger or Clausen?

•Abe Pollin, the longest tenured owner in the NBA, died yesterday at 85. The Wizards honored his memory with a 1-point win over a 4-9 team.

•Despite a win, Liverpool don't make the Champions League round of 16. This was news to me, as I was under the impression that the soccer season finished Sunday night in Seattle.

•The official douchebag bar of the Upper East Side (Mad River, for those in the know) apparently doubles as a Wisconsin Badger bar, and they could face charges for selling a Wisconsin beer that's not licensed to be sold out of state. Also not licensed to be in NYC: college football.

•••••

Your regular hosts will be with you shortly. Don't forget to starve yourself today.

The first comes from the South Bend Tribune:

The 22-year-old junior from Westlake Village left the restaurant/bar without incident initially, the source said. But Clausen's date forgot her purse inside. The two went back into get it about 2 a.m., and as they were leaving, Clausen's date was pushed by a man outside the bar.

Words were exchanged between Clausen and the man, the source said. Clausen pushed the man away, with his hand landing in the man's neck area. The man then punched Clausen in the eye, and the two wrestled on the ground for a few seconds before the fight was broken up.

Police were called to the scene, in part because of that incident, in part because of some other skirmishes going on at the establishment. No arrests were made.

The second comes from emailer "Ted":

Hey guys-

I'm sure you're already all over this, but there's a lot of chatter on the Notre Dame message boards about the Jimmy Clausen incident. Some first-hand accounts are saying that the story being peddled to the public is straight BS - that Jimmy got beat up for throwing a drink/slapping another dude's girlfriend. I have no idea if any of this is true or not, but let's be honest - with that spiky hair, Clausen looks just like the kind of guy who would do something like that. Anyways, here's hoping you all get some honest to God firsthand accounts of what actually happened. I somehow doubt Jimmy's parents were still out with him at 2 in the morning, and how does one sucker punch lead to two black eyes?

Ted

For the record, one broken nose can easily bruise both eyes, but that's neither here nor there. Finally, an unsourced version comes out of the ether:

According to my son (Tim), here's what happened early Sunday morning.

Tim was sitting at the bar next to Clausen's brother and his wife. (He thinks it was Casey Clausen, 6-5 250+) Casey goes into the bathroom. Tim starts chatting up his wife. He said something funny enough to her that got her laughing at him (not sure how he did that). When Clausen's brother comes out, he sees Tim and his wife laughing and figures Tim is seriously hitting on her. He goes up to them and starts into Tim. Both Tim and his wife try to calm him down. He doesn't go for it. Tim said he grabbed his arm and told him to relax...that turned out to be a big mistake.

Clausen's brother then grabs Tim by the collar and starts lifting him out of his chair. (At this point Tim feels he's in pretty big trouble). As he's dragging him outside, Jimmy Clausen sees them and yells across the bar to take Tim out and beat the crap out of him. Jimmy is about to reach them when, out of the blue, some big drunk kid bursts in front and sucker-punches Jimmy three times. Jimmy is on the ground. Mike Ragone (ND tight end) then jumps in, pulls the guy off Jimmy Clausen and tells his brother to let Tim go. By this point Clausen's brother had dragged Tim almost to the door. Ragone was finally able to convince him to let Tim go.

Every one settled down and went back to drinking. The Clausens hung around. Tim (in a fit of brilliance) moved to the other side of the bar.

About an hour goes by, and the Clausen's get up to leave. Apparently, Jimmy went outside, and another drunk kid gives him a hard time. They get in a little 'skirmish', but its broken up and everyone goes home.

Tim never did get the name of the kid who punched Jimmy, but he owes his un-broken nose to him. I think my son learned a little lesson in risk and reward...

You might find it interesting that Theories One and Three do not necessarily contradict each other. Feel free to factor that into your decision making. If anyone finds any other explanation, leave them in the comments or email us and we'll post those too. The truth is out there, people.

[Photo via JimmyClausenOnline.org]

UPDATE: Another one. Question everything!

Got the word from a legitimate source in South Bend. And by legitimate I mean my (ND student) brother's cable guy was an eye witness to everything that happened in the parking lot at CJ's. Basically Jimmy is out in the parking lot waiting for his brothers when some fan decked out in ND gear (probably an Eastern Michigan alum) informs JC that "he sucks". Clausen told the guy he was a jackass/asshole and to back off, to which the fan responds "I should hit you in the face right now". JC then says "oh yeah", then gets hit with a right.

Also:

The employee said off-duty South Bend police officers were working at the bar providing security, which is fairly common there.

"If anything had happened inside, we would have handled it," he said. "No one was accosted inside." [ESPN]

According to the bartender at CJ's Pub in South Bend, Clausen stopped by the watering hole after Saturday's crushing double OT loss to the Huskies. He was there with his family and other upperclassmen teammates following the Senior Day game. There may also have been "a female acquaintance" with the party. As Clausen tired to leave the bar around 2:30 a.m., there was allegedly some sort of disturbance with an irate fan who then "sucker-punched" Clausen, giving him "at least" one black eye. That's gotta suck.

No police were called so details of the incident are sketchy and no one seems to know what happened to the mysterious puncher. My theory? It was Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone. Hear me out. See, she used to date a football player from Brown University, but recently traded up for another Brown—Cleveland Brown Brady Quinn. The last Irish starting quarterback before Clausen arrived on campus? That's right ... Brady Quinn.

Quarterbacks. Irish. Browns. Sacramone. It all connects! Sort of like a well-placed punch to the face.

Case closed.

David Kaplan report: Clausen in fight outside South Bend bar [Chicago Breaking Sports]
Jimmy Clausen involved in altercation outside a South Bend, Ind., bar [Chicago Tribune]
Source: Notre Dame Fighting Irish QB Jimmy Clausen punched by irate fan [Joe Schad]
Brady Quinn's New Girlfriend Is Alicia Sacramone [Larry Brown Sports]

Sunderland's tale is still the same old story, a fight for love and glory. Not only have the media checked in with intermittent profiles of the boy wonder in the last year, but some French author prophesied Sunderland's circumnavigation back in 1873, we're told. And almost 250 people have sailed the globe's oceans by themselves before! So come on, this isn't impressive or anything. Not at all.

I mean, the year in solitude was like a walk in the park for this so-called "figure of sailing lore." Yeah, he saw pirates and was forced to interrupt his family's Sunday night dinner via satellite phone. And sure, his father told him to "shoot to kill" with his loaded pistol. He went sleepless for 60 hours tinkering with the boat's rigging, he only ate canned food and drank desalinated water, a 30-foot wave cave engulfed his 36-foot boat.

La-dee-da. Kid had nothing to do but play Grand Theft Auto and Guitar Hero, and when he docked for a few days, he could order six scoops of ice cream, no questions asked. Booty.

Now, as time goes by, he returns to a hum-drum, landlocked life of jealousy and hate as a younger sailor figures to usurp Sunderland's title in a few months, and a 15-year-old Australian plans to steal the spotlight from both next summer. What's a young buck to do as an encore? I'm sure there are a few girls looking for a prom date. Maybe he can star in an MTV reality show. Or he can suit up for Charlie Weis. He may be a legend, but after all, he's still got four years of eligibility.

Zac Sunderland completes solo sail around the world [LA Times]
Do Hard Things [ESPN The Mag]

• Even Maryland Fans Were Shocked They Won Today: "Da'Rel Scott looks like a star. He's a strong runner and I will never understand why he didn't get more carries last week. Hopfefully his shoulder is OK." [East Coast Bias]

• Adam Jones' Talking Body Parts: "Brain: Okay, okay I'm excited too. But we still have work to do, boys. Their only touchdown was a result of your pass interference penalty, Hands." [Brown is the New Black]

• Speaking of Talking Bodies: Nike Women puts the above Pac Man post into video form for their new commercial. [Creativity] [via]

• That's A Lot of Crickets: "ESPN paid about $1 billion for the television rights to cricket’s Champions Twenty20 League, for ten years." [The Big Lead]

• Standard Text Messaging Rates Apply: "You know what makes going to a football game miserable? Beer-soaked, foul-mouthed fans. That's who. The upstanding folks down in Florida aren't going to take it anymore. They're doing something about the trouble makers at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa (And so can you!). " [FanHouse]

Jimmy Clausen is the starting quarterback for Notre Dame. Last year he, along with the entire team, had a horrible season. Which was disappointing because Clausen, the nation's consensus top quarterback, committed to Notre Dame in such an understated fashion: By pulling up in a limo to the College Football Hall of Fame, hair immaculately spiked and product-filled, sunglassed and blinged-up.

Now, he's playing drinking games.

The Big Lead ran this photo yesterday and now the Chicago Tribune has announced that Notre Dame is conducting an investigation of the incident because Clausen is underage and appears to be drinking.

This is the second alcohol-related incident for Clausen—he was charged with transporting alcohol as a minor in June of 2007. Which, so far as crimes go, is the equivalent of charging someone with being a college student. Penalizing Jimmy Clausen for these pictures is one of the dumbest things Notre Dame could do. But they're probably going to have to do something now even though every college kid (and plenty of adults) have much more incriminating photos than these up on their Facebook pages.

I think we're heading towards an online era when pictures like these won't be news — but we're not there yet. So strike up the outrage band, underage college kids are drinking. The horror, the horror.

Rick Mirer and Ron Powlus would not be proud [The Big Lead]
Irish QB Jimmy Clausen and at least two teammates face alcohol-use investigation [Chicago Tribune]