We generally do not condone destructive mayhem here at Deadspin, but any prank involving metallurgy gets a pass. I am also reminded of the line from Woody Allen's Love and Death:

Boris: "How could I have been made in His image? Do you think God wears glasses?"
Sonja: "Not with those frames."

From the Daily Collegian, Penn State's student newspaper:

The glasses from the Joe Paterno statue on the east side of Beaver Stadium were removed and stolen sometime between Friday and Saturday, Penn State Police said. An officer was on routine patrol Saturday morning and saw the glasses were missing, police said. The glasses were removed between 11 a.m. Friday and 10:58 a.m. Saturday, police said. There is no estimated value of the damage.

OK, I'm going to turn out the lights, and when I turn them back on I expect the glasses to be on this table. No questions asked.

Greatest Sports Prank Ever? Not Quite. [FanIQ]
Recruits Don't Make Passes At Statues Without Glasses [The Arena]

Little-known fact: JoePa (1926) has two years on the Mouse (1928). However, Mickey has 100% fewer buildings named after him in Happy Valley.

Just out of view, four thousand angry Southern California children would like to know when the droning old person will just give Sleeping Beauty the damned apple already so they can hop on the damned tea cups.

Today: Week 17 begins and ends quite suddenly, one bowl game falls out the polyester jackets of bowl officials and tumbles into Sunday night, and "60 Minutes" somehow fails to line up a single athlete to make best use of their NFL lead-in.

JoePa Meets Mickey [Philadelphia Inquirer]

The tyke's name is Will Greiner, and this photo, while just sent to us this morning, was actually taken a year ago. And that means that Will is probably the same size as Baby Mangino today. Not shown: Tiny JoePa hairpiece.

Of course I'm going to have to apply for special dispensation from the Deadspin SHOTY Organizing Committee to get Baby JoePa on this year's ballot; but seeing that the kid's name is Will, I don't see that being a problem. In the meantime, please cast your write-in votes for Baby JoePa.

And a few SHOTY campaign videos wouldn't hurt, either. Get to work, you guys!

Lion In Training [Big Ten Network]

Shaking a metal walking cane at his Rally in the Valley audience, the 81-year-old head football coach declared, "No matter what you read, no matter what you think, I'm not going away tomorrow.

"I believe in what Penn State is all about," Paterno told the Nittany Lions faithful. "I'm not going to walk out of that press box a loser."

Penn State needs a win against Michigan State today to earn a trip to the Rose Bowl for the first time in 13 years. Michigan State could steal the bid with a win against Penn State and an Ohio State loss. Not an easy task, as the Spartans have lost 10 straight games against ranked opponents.

• A BCS bid is at stake today for Utah, with a must-win match-up against BYU today. The Utes are unbeaten and ranked eighth in the country. May the best Mormon win.

• A full schedule of today's games coming up in For Your Viewing Pleasure.

But then the conversation turned a little grim.

Musburger admits to having a personal friendship with Paterno and says that through his candid conversations with JoePa, he knows exactly why he continues to after all of these years.

"This is a tough one for me because I have to say up front that JoePa is a dear friend of mine...I'll tell your listeners the truth as to why he still does it. He is fearful — and he looks back at Bear Bryant as the example — he is fearful that he would not be with us if he stepped away. He is a man that doesn't fish, doesn't play golf...he has no other interest other than his family and football. And he's just afraid what would happen with the rest of his life if he walks away from it."

Now, this is not Musburger speculating, but Paterno admitting he's afraid he'll keel over once he retires, which is just extremely sad. Remember,Bear Bryant died just 28 days after announcing his retirement from Alabama.

No pressure on Penn State to give Paterno another one year contract or anything, though.

Brent Musburger on national title contenders, Joe Paterno [Dan Patrick]

Ohio State (-2) at Wisconsin- When Wisconsin blew a 19-0 second half lead, this game went from a potential coronation of Bret Bielema to Nick Saban-level rockstar status, to a must-win for Wisconsin to remain alive in the Rose Bowl chase. Sure, you could bet on Ohio State losing three games in the Big Ten, but you could also bet on Stuart Scott winning an Olympic gold medal in archery. Thanks to the loss at Michigan, Ohio State can open up a 2.5 game lead over Wisconsin with a win. Better get those quarters loaded up in the marshmallows.

Missouri (-10) at Nebraska- Remember back in 1997 when it took a miracle for Nebraska to win at Missouri?

(Apologies to Missouri fans for dredging up that memory.)

Now Missouri is going on the road and the home team has won the last six in this series. Missouri hasn't won at Nebraska since 1978. Let me repeat that, 1978. That's 15 consecutive losses. Yet Missouri is ten point favorites in this game. Put this one on your radar and if Nebraska is within a touchdown in the second half, switch over and watch, it could get really interesting. Especially since Chase Daniel just went on television and asked Nebraska fans to bring him 14 virgins as his pregame meal.

Oregon at Southern Cal (-16)- True or false, this is the smallest margin USC will be favored by in the Pac-10 all season? I'm thinking true. Nine days after their beatdown at Oregon State, USC gets a chance to take out their frustrations on the other state school. Am I the only person who pictures Mark Sanchez making a round at the sorority houses to personally apologize for the loss at Oregon State.

By the way, how amazing was that Utah-Oregon State finish last night? You can breathe easier, the pathway to a match-up of undefeated BYU and undefeated Utah remains clear. Question, if BYU wins this game in November can Mormons strip off their Mormon underpants and swing them around their head? Or is that verboten?

UConn at North Carolina (-7)- I will now quietly pocket the $20 fee that UConn's athletic department continues to float in my direction for always finding their games interesting. Particularly the lines. Move along now kids, nothing to see hear.

Texas Tech (-6.5) at Kansas State- Honestly, I know nothing about Kansas State's football team. But the over/under in this game is 66. Seriously, 66. Tech is averaging 45.8 points a game and Kansas State is averaging 47. That's insane. And Texas Tech is only a 6.5 point favorite. Based on the statistics the match-up between Graham Harrel and Josh Freeman (they've combined for 23 touchdown passes already) is going to be the best this weekend. Plus, there's always the possibility that Mike Leach will let his team loot and pillage in Manhattan, Kansas if they win.

Florida State at Miami (-3)- Admit it, you had no idea this game was happening this weekend either, did you? Remember when this game would dominate the weekend and you couldn't escape how huge it was? Now, you've just realized this game was going on, sort of idly thought, "Eh, whatever, I'll check the final score if I have time after watching an undefeated Vandy play in ESPN primetime." Wait, what?

(A refresher on what Florida State has meant to college football over the years.)

Auburn (-3.5) at Vandy- Vandy fans are going to hate to hear this, but get past Auburn and all of a sudden you have to say to hell with only qualifying for a bowl game and start thinking about whether you could contend for the SEC East title. I know, I know, blasphemy. But, say Vandy beats Auburn to go to 5-0 (3-0 in the SEC). Next week they play at Miss. State. Another game they can win. Later in the season the Dores go to Kentucky. Win both those and you get to 5 SEC wins. Then, beat just one of Georgia, Tennessee (which given the way things are going they might be favored in), and Florida and you're at 6 wins. Probably good enough to win the SEC East this year. Or at least to tie for the crown.

Meanwhile, for Auburn, the question becomes do you go with a talented but dumb and likely to make a mistake Kody Burns or a weak-armed but smart Chris Todd? Second, does it even matter? Yes, unless he's deflowered Tommy Tuberville's prized cow on the plains, Kody Burns has to start. He's the only Auburn offensive player that makes any defense the least bit nervous. Of course Tommy Tuberville is so distrustful of his offense that he's already planning on winning this game 2-0. Point being, the winner of this game will put up less than 20 points. Book it.

Texas (-14) at Colorado- I don't really have much to say about this game. Just quite a few friends who went to Colorado or live in Boulder and have been talking about how awesome it's going to be to valet their bikes for this game. How pumped are Colorado fans about this game. They've all taken off their hemp anklets. Be afraid Longhorn fans, very afraid.

Penn State (-14) at Purdue- Penn State is the only team in American with a stadium that seats 100,000 people, a coach dueling to be the winningest coach of all-time, and an undefeated record in the Big Ten. Yet no one is paying any attention to them. At least not for any reasons that have to do with actually playing football games. It's all about the arrests and a program spiraling out of control. Thanks ESPN. Which is interesting because this has been a pretty disciplined football team that has put up 66, 45, 55, 45, and 38 points in the first five weeks of the season. Damn.

This game at Purdue begins the four-game stretch run in the Big Ten that will define Penn State's season. Following Purdue, Penn State goes to Wisconsin, hosts Michigan, and finishes up at Ohio State.

Kentucky at Alabama (-16)- Would Kentucky plans please stop talking about your number one scoring defense in the country? Please? You've beaten two non D-1 teams (Norfolk State and Western Kentucky), dodged a hail-mary loss against MTSU, and beat Louisville on the road. Only the last game is that impressive. And that was over a month ago. Now you're going on the road at Alabama for the CBS game and you'd think Alabama was having to play the 1970's Steel Curtain defense.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban has decreed that he will no longer walk on any surface but papyrus scrolls that have been illustrated to feature prominent moments in his life. (Beating Georgia last week, leaving Michigan State, signing Daunte Culpepper to a huge contract.) Already Alabama has a sign-up list to illustrate Saban's papyrus scrolls that is 14 years long. Yep, Saban is Gilgamesh.

What? No Glory to JoePa? Or is the god you're referring to simply JoePa? That's acceptable. LQ highlight of the kick return can be seen here.

You know you played alright when Paterno gives you props, "This is the first time he's really had a chance to break out. Derrick's been in tough games and made big plays. ... He's a heck of an athlete."

With half the top 10 losing this week, Penn State should catapult into single digits with their 5-0 record. People like to rip on the Big Ten, but PSU's schedule over the next four weeks is pretty rough with games at Purdue, at Wisconsin, Michigan at Beaver Stadium, and at Ohio State.

At this point, it's pretty clear that a whiteout is more effective than a blackout. Although black is supposed to be more slimming for those Georgia coeds' hips.

So there's that.

There Is Joy in the Valley, as Penn State Stops Illinois [NYTimes]

Immediately Penn State message boards exploded suggesting that ESPN had planted the drugs in the apartment. None of the players have yet been charged as test results on the substance are not yet in. While college kids with pot in their apartment isn't a shock, Penn State really can't afford any further incidents. Especially not now that SportsCenter is live all day.

Marijuana found in apartment [The Daily Collegian]
5204 Apartment Update [The Black Shoe Diaries]

Today's Penn State preview is brought to you by Run Up the Score of the excellent Penn State blog blackshoediaries.

It was only 10 or 20 years ago that you could count on Penn State for three things — classically drab blue and white uniforms, All-American linebackers, and soul-crushing offensive linemen with names ending in "-ski", "-wicz", and "-skiwicz". The uniforms and linebackers have been omnipresent, even throughout what Nittany Lions fans refer to as The Dark Years — that smoking crater of horrific football between 2000 and 2004 best represented by a numbing 6-4 loss to Iowa, in which Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz ordered his team to take a safety late in the fourth quarter, daring Penn State to merely drive for a winning field goal. (That strategy worked flawlessly, by the way.) However, 2007 marked the return of a dominant Penn State offensive line, perhaps the best since PSU's unbeaten 1994 season, even as opposing defenses crowded the line of scrimmage and begged Anthony Morelli to throw the football. That entire offensive line returns this year with a nod to the Lions of yore — sophomore guard Stefen Wisniewski. That unit will be called upon to ease the transition into what Offensive Coordinator/Piñata Jay Paterno calls the "Spread HD" offense, which will allegedly resemble the diverse attack built around Michael Robinson during Penn State's 12-1 Orange Bowl run in 2005.

Uncharacteristically, it's the back half of the defense that has the potential to derail this year's team. Sean Lee — team captain, certain Butkus Award finalist, and certified crazy-eyed killah — blew out his ACL during spring practice. In his absence, a mix of unproven and presently undistinguished players will have to brought along quickly in order to provide support for a secondary which lost Justin King to the NFL and will shuffle Tony Davis back to cornerback after a year at safety.

Rivalry?
What is this rivalry you speak of? For better or worse, Pitt has been banished from the schedule. Michigan and Ohio State have each other. None of this is likely to change anytime soon. That leaves Penn State fans with no other option than to formally embrace the rivalry imposed on us by the Big Ten when we joined the conference in 1993 — the season-ending game against Michigan State, another program seeking something other than a "little brother" rivalry. So let's drop the needy Skunkbear and Buckstache envy and declare war — it is motherfucking on, Sparty. We hereby question the sexual orientation of your players and the dietary excesses of your women (okay, with two notable exceptions). Thanks for designing this giant piece of shit. Oh, and please just finish the job by stapling a drool cup onto the lovechild of Purdue Pete and Testudo that you call a mascot. If this year's contest is truly Joe Paterno's last game at Beaver Stadium, here's hoping the old man hangs a hundred on you as a parting gift.

You can't argue with some of the facts Delsohn had in front of him, including some confidential judicial affairs reports that suggest Paterno may have tried to cover up some of the incidents. But one interesting argument over at College OTR suggests that ESPN may have violated some of the student's privacy rights by revealing that material on air. One thing for sure is that this will be the storyline that follows Paterno all year and should Penn State falter this season, it might be big enough to tarnish his legacy.

Penn State DTs Baker, Taylor Kicked Off By Paterno [SI]
ESPN's Witch-Hunt Into Penn State Football [College OTR]

In a world in which coaches let players get away with everything, not only did Paterno make his players clean the stadium for their offseason transgressions ... he made them do it twice.

Linebacker Sean Lee came back out and delivered some bad news. "Joe said we didn't do a good enough job," the Upper St. Clair High School product said. "We've got to go back."

The players quickly shuffled off the buses and returned to the stadium to finish up their chores. Mr. Paterno dismissed them about 15 minutes later. The first cleanup assignment was complete, even if the stadium wasn't spotless.

We still imagine JoePa insisting that his players, when they hold up a gas station or something, chopping firewood in his backyard, or perhaps doing some roofing. It helps the community, and it helps us all.

JoePa Is Weird, Old And Awesome [Loser With Socks]

He said he will have his entire team help clean up Beaver Stadium every Sunday after home games this season — a task usually taken on for pay by PSU club sport athletes who use the money to fund their teams. This fall, according to Paterno, they won't have to do it; his guys will. And the money will still funnel to club sport coffers:

"We're all going to do it. Everybody. Not just the kids that were involved. 'Cause we're all in it together. This is a team embarrassment. I wouldn't call it anything much other than that."

We find this idea incredibly charming; we suspect cleaning up Beaver Stadium after a football Saturday is actually a rather grueling endeavor. Let this be a lesson, young players: When you misbehave, you'll find yourself scraping gum off the bottom of the upper tier section before you know it. Oh, and run some laps, whippersnapper.

Paterno Tells Players To Clean Up [PennLive.com]

A "street confrontation" appears to have started the incident, which police say "led to the trespass and assault." A Penn State student who hosted the party told the Centre Daily Times that he denied entrance to several of the players, but then 10 or more appeared and "pushed their way in" and the assaults began. The party host, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told the men to " 'Leave, leave, leave.' They just walked right in. They were pushing people out of the way. These guys were huge. I was being held back in the hallway by some dude who was huge."

He said "two kids" seated on stools at the bar in the apartment's main room "got the worst of it." One was struck on the head with a bottle, he said, and another got a swollen, black-and-blue eye. Another person was kicked in the head as he lay "in the fetal position" on the floor, and two others were punched in the face. He said the intrusion lasted "like three minutes" and then the intruders departed.

Honestly, we really don't see what the big deal is. If a bunch of football players can't head into a random party, start cracking skulls and drinking all the beer ... sheesh, what's the point of being a football player?

Penn State Players Involved In Fracas [The Wizard Of Odds]

If you haven't seen the "highlight" yet, here's video of Joe Paterno's broken leg accident on Saturday. We are extremely fond of Paterno — we always find him lovable; we want him to read us a story or something — and hope he has a speedy recovery, or as speedy a recovery that a 79-year-old man can have. Penn State officials said he was going over game tapes yesterday to prepare for next week's game, which is even more impressive considering Penn State is playing Temple.

ESPN's Craig James, ever sensitive, referred to Paterno as an "old fart" during the game, which isn't very nice, especially considering ... well ... it just wasn't very nice.

Paterno Breaks Leg, Called "Old Fart" [The 700 Level]