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Johan Santana

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mlb closer

Oye Como Va! Twice The Santana Means Twice The Fun


Please do not confuse Johan Alexander Santana Araque, pitcher for the Mets, with Ervin Ramon Santana, pitcher for the Angels. One is from Venezuela (chief exports: Petroleum, bauxite and aluminum) and one is from the Dominican Republic (predominant religion: Roman Catholicism). Unfortunately, we are well-supplied with Santanas on the east and west coasts, but there are none for the vast middle of our nation. Hopefully we can rectify that soon. On Tuesday, Ervin Santana threw a three-hitter as the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (California, U.S., planet Earth) took a 3-2 win over Detroit. Meanwhile, The Johan struck out seven over seven innings as the Mets garnered a much-needed 5-3 victory over Florida. More »

11:04 AM on Wed May 28 2008
By Rick Chandler
2,817 views, 38 comments

Latest by N/A: No comment on Josh Hamilton's grand slam? You could've titled it "Slamilton". You missed your fucking chance. more »

The Johan Santana trade finally finalizes with a six-year, $137.5 million extension, with a clause that lets him poke Washington Nationals players with a stick. [Bloomberg]

6 comments

johan santana

Santana Headed To Flushing, Finally


It's official (kind of): The Twins have traded Johan Santana to the Mets. More »

4:33 PM on Tue Jan 29 2008
By Leitch
9,331 views, 186 comments

Latest by Glenn Beck's Taint: [www.soxaholix.com] more »

johan santana

Your Team Would Like To Trade For Santana Too

Andruw Jones signed with the Dodgers yesterday — the money seems a bit high, but the two-year commitment wouldn't seem crippling to us — and Dontrelle and Tubby McTubberson headed to Detroit, and that's pretty much all that came out of baseball's winter meetings, which end today. So, perhaps Johan Santana can move on with his life now. More »

10:00 AM on Thu Dec 6 2007
By Leitch
4,922 views, 64 comments

Latest by N/A: After so many people questioned the Delmon Young acquisition and the effect it would have on the mild-mannered Minnesota clubhouse, more »

The Red Sox sweeten the trade pot for Johan Santana by offering up Jacoby Ellsbury or Jon Lester, but not both. Meanwhile, the Yankees are offering up Phil Hughes. I say cut Santana in half, and each team gets one Cy Young pitcher. [ESPN]

11 comments

awesome thought processes

A Trade That's Just Crazy Enough To Work!

The baseball winter meetings start next week, and that means countless unsubstantiated guesswork and fantasy trade scenarios. That's the fun of it, really; it will distract you from the horror that comes when your team gives $12 million for four years to Kyle Lohse. More »

5:02 PM on Wed Nov 28 2007
By Leitch
9,965 views, 51 comments

Latest by Canadian Impostor: The Red Sox should throw in Josh Beckett and Kevin Youkilis to make that trade fair. more »

daily closer

Johan Santana Is Mr. August

This will be your one and only Bert Blyleven update for this season, so pay attention. Blyleven, to my knowledge the only Minnesota Twins starting pitcher to have been born in Zeist, Netherlands, struck out 15 Oakland Athletics on Aug. 1, 1986; a Twins record. Or it was, until Johan Santana struck out 17 over eight innings in a 1-0 win over the Rangers on Sunday. More »

9:15 AM on Mon Aug 20 2007
By rickchand
3,327 views, 50 comments

Latest by Cecil Cooper: Just throwing this out there... is Smoltz a HOFer? I'm a pushover on the matter. Don't get me started on more »

cultural oddsmaker

Who's the Next MLB Player To Bang Alyssa Milano?

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.)

It's tough to find a man on the planet who doesn't love Alyssa Milano. Her allure is timeless, considering her career ascension has matched up perfectly with most 30-something men's sexual awakenings. Think about it: As a teenager in the 80s, she was the perfect combination of girl you'd take to the ninth grade farewell dance and girl most of you'd inconspicuously fondle at the mall. In her 20s, she wasted no time shedding her image as a child star and makes the leap to lesbianic vampire movies, Poison Ivy II and "Melrose Place." (That trifecta alone guaranteed she'd have many mop socks named after her. Ask my father. He always wears his Alyssa Milanos on Sundays to do yard work.)

Now, in her 30's she's become the real life Annie Savoy, using her lady cave to assemble what would've been one of the more dominating fantasy baseball staffs in ... 2003: Brad Penny, Barry Zito, and Carl Pavano. It's true. Alyssa Milano's vagina's 2003 WHIP would've been 1.24.

Lately, it's appeared that Alyssa has put herself on the DL when it comes to bedding players (perhaps the coital equivalent of "dead arm"), reserving most of her player admiration to her MLB blog and her MLB lingerie line or whatever that is. This cannot last forever, and the more and more baseball games Milano attends, the closer she gets to fully recovering . She's so riled up right now that anytime she drives past a ballpark you could probably drown mice in her underwear.

So, this week, I'm blowing off some Teen Steam, slapping at my Tony Danza, and calculating odds on the next MLB baseball player to have sex with Alyssa Milano.

Let's touch 'em all, after this Moop.

More »

3:20 PM on Fri Jul 20 2007
By Leitch
18,725 views, 77 comments