Smoltz's tenure with the Red Sox could not have gone much worse than it did. He gave up 25 runs in his last four starts before Boston pulled the plug, signaling what looked like the end of his career. So St. Louis rolled the dice on him and then quickly solved his pitching difficulties with a revolutionary training technique known as watching him pitch.

Coaches noticed right away his foot was slipping off the pitching rubber, so they told him to stop doing that. Then starter Chris Carpenter noticed that Smoltz was tipping his pitches on the mound. So they told him to not do that either. The result? Five scoreless innings, no walks and nine strikeouts, including seven in a row. Was that so difficult?

In an interview with Dan Patrick today, Smoltz graciously did not blame the Red Sox for his sucking, nor did he point out that the Cardinals are eight games in front of their division while the Red Sox are 7.5 games down in theirs. I'm sure these many things are not related.

John Smoltz says he was tipping his pitches [Dan Patrick]

•Joe Maddon goes the Just For Men route, dyeing his hair jet black to turn around the Rays' fortunes. It worked for Wicked Lester, didn't it?

•Nationals GM says it's "unlikely" Stephen Strasburg will pitch for the team this year. You should probably read that as: it's "likely" the Nationals would like to avoid having his four-year deal kick in until 2010.

•Another day, another Brandon-Marshall-pissed-off-at-the-Broncos story. This time it's because a team flack told players not to express too much joy at Marshall's acquittal on domestic violence charges last week. No word on how much joy they would have been allowed to express had he been found guilty.

•Old folks who should probably be retired keep coming back. This time it's John Smoltz, who's close to a deal with the Cardinals. Not a bad move: they're a little short on starting pitching, and he'll automatically become the third best hitter in that lineup.

•Pedro Martinez and Jamie Moyer combine for nine innings, four hits, one run, eight strikeouts, and thirty thousand, eight hundred and eighty nine days on earth. And one win.

•The NCAA is investigating the eligibility of Tennessee freshman RB Bryce Brown, and some alleged recruiting violations involving cash for college visits. But here's the shocking part: Lane Kiffin had nothing to do with it!

•Look, just because Kevin Gregg has blown a fifth of his save opportunities, and just because he's got a double-digit ERA this month, and just because you can hear the collective sphincter of Cubs fans tightening every time he comes in, is no reason to take him out of the closer's role. Actually, those are all pretty good reasons.

New York Yankees fan and Deadspin reader Vincent sends along this picture from last night's Georgia Transplant Foundation fundraiser featuring Red Sox pitcher John Smoltz (that feels weird to type). Should we tell Vincent that Smoltz doesn't play for the Yankees? I say no - it's hard enough being a fan of a third-place team already.

Hi, I'm Pete Gaines, Jalopnik/Deadspin Combudsman, and the newest edition of Deadspin Weekend Daddy. You may have read my work in such places as "drunken rants in the comments of Deadspin" and "drunken rants in the comments of Jalopnik." AJ has kindly asked me to help steer the ship today, so send along your tips to pete@deadspin.com. Should be fun.

The Bearded Icon was dented by an ailing wing, rusty from a lack of spring practice time, and Hamlet-esque over his desire to make an initial foray to the raised stage sixty and six from home plate in 2008. Tom "Benedict" Glavine stepped in, and agreed to swap dates on the bump, allowing Old Baldy to avoid prolonged exposure to the Rocky Mountain Chill. The catch? The hurling enemy on the Sabbath day — the man who inspired Bowie to pen "Changes," The Two-Seam Savior — Johan Santana, and his new employers from New York.

John Smoltz scoffs in the face of such dangers. "I'm a big-game pitcher," TBI intoned, and indeed, the hairy face of the franchise completed a Napoleonic Sweep of the hated Metropolitans, as the Atlantans won 3-1 in the House That Buffalo Burgers Built.

The initial innings augered Armageddon for Atlanta's Ace, when the argus eye of home plate adjudicator Gerry Davis granted a pair of 'Politans free passage via bases on balls. Smoltz glared at the blueshirt like he had just offered a coupon for the Hair Club For Men, then rendered Carlos "The Hammering Hippie" Delgado in bronze, earning a called third strike. From there, The Icon rolled over opposing batsmen like a Tiananmen Square tank, posting round digits on the scoreboard for five innings, enough to secure his first V of the new season. That dodgy deltoid flared up with enough knottiness to convince The Pudgy Pepperpot, skipper Bobby Cox, to end Smoltz's day somewhat shy of his usual timecard—as the hurler put it afterward, "I'm a seven inning pitcher"—but the quintet will surely do in the City Too Busy To Hate (Except For The Mets).

Mark "Luckiest Man" Kotsay eliminated the only other threat to emanate from the Queensmen's side of the pitch, making a fine haul of a liner off the bat of Ryan "Haman" Church in the fourth innings. The Hippie wandered a touch too far from sanctuary, and was doubled after a whipped transmission to first, scooped sensationally by Mark "Vanna" Teixeira for the dual slaying. Kotsay, no doubt inspired by his significantly better half, is already making Peach Staters have trouble recalling the previous gatekeeper in the middle of the outfield, Andruw "Velvet" Jones.

As Reverse Samson was mowing down the 'Tans, his fellow Warriors from the Red Hills were mostly flailing in futility at Cy Youngazo's offerings. Santana was magnifico for seven mighty innings, with a lone hiccup — a screamer off the ash of Yunel "Seaworthy" Escobar that brought Luckiest Man homeward. The new everyday shortstop in Georgia once again proved Craftier than Castro, and his double was the only scar on Santana's record. But on this day, it was enough to brand The Acquisition with a scarlet 'L'. Johan now looks forward to an outing in the doomed environs of Shea Stadium, a New York debut as eagerly anticipated as any Latino arrival in Fun City since Valentino strode passionately down Broadway.

Rubber Reinforcements wearing red enjoyed the sight of batsmen representing Western Long Island for the second straight game, after early season struggles with the Steel City sluggers. A quartet of Braves relievers scalped the Metropolitan millionaires' lineup until the ultimate innings, when Haman knocked in Golden Boy Wright for the visitors' lone tally.

Hotlanta concluder Rafael "El Hostile" Soriano was grateful for a pair of confirmations of the talents of Atlanta's first sacker. The frame before, Vanna sent a Long Sock over the right field wall, plating Lawrence Jones in front of him to boost the home lead to a sturdier three. In the ninth, with the Metros at last showing some pluck, Teixeira showed off the finery with the leather that has earned him multiple Gold Gloves—diving to deflect a shot off the bat of Brian Schneider, and tossing to The Angry Closer in time for the winning putout.

Atlanta once again says thank you to Teixas, and Salaams in Smoltz's direction.

While some understandably have concerns how the whole investigation into Bonds is being held, it's clear we're awfully close to the moment of truth now. (And Giants fans can cheer even harder, considering their history of aiding and abetting.)

As it turns out, Bud Selig is going to most likely not be there after all, which we still find a cop out. We want to see his face when Bonds hits it; more than ever, we need a Webcam.

Anyway, John Smoltz — who has given up eight Bonds bombs in his career already — takes the mike tonight. And this is all going to happen, eventually. Do us a favor, Barry; just make it quick, and not in the face, OK?

Honestly, the entire AP article reads like it was written about an argument between junior high school girls. If you crossed out Jones and Smoltz and replaced it with "Marsha" and "Tiffany" it would make a lot more sense.

"Let's just say there are people who don't believe me [about my injury]," Jones said. "Let's just say that and leave it at that."

After Friday night's 5-0 loss to the Tigers, Smoltz said, "You can't worry about who's in the lineup and who isn't. You can't worry about that stuff anymore."

Added Smoltz: "I certainly appreciate the effort of the guys who are on the field busting it."

Smoltz didn't identify Jones as a player not in the lineup, but Jones said after Saturday's game that he got the message.

"I'd be stupid if I didn't take it the same way," Jones said, adding he planned to "play the rest of the games this year and do whatever I can. Somebody I know better not miss a start."

It goes on and on, and is so girly. I'd respect them so much more if Smoltz just said, "Chipper Jones is acting like a big pussy," and Jones replied with, "Old Man Smoltz can blow me."

Jones says he felt pressured by Smoltz to return to Braves' lineup [ESPN]