It's sounding like a done deal that the NCAA will announce the ruling tomorrow, and they're not buying the results of Memphis' internal investigation, which — surprise, surprise — found no evidence of wrongdoing.

But apparently those not on the school's payroll were able to find some evidence that the real Derrick Rose had very little to do with Derrick Rose's SAT, and that his brother received $2,260 in free travel. These are both major no-nos.

The current team, under new coach Josh Pastner, won't be punished. But the damage is done - that record '08 season? Gone. And setting an ignominious record is John Calipari, the first man to vacate Final Four appearances at two different schools. So if Kentucky makes it to Indy next April, I wouldn't rush out and buy the t-shirt.

Source: Memphis Tigers to Forfeit Record 2007-'08 Basketball Season [Memphis Commercial Appeal]

Calipari, who is on the verge of the rare feat of taking two different schools to the NCAA's Final Three, was gracious toward his longtime rival's attempt to out-scandal him.

He said he plans to instruct UK fans in the same manner as he did UMass fans when Rhode Island's campus experienced a gambling scandal in 1992. He warned the people who followed the Minutemen that if they did anything to embarrass the school, he would leave the floor and refuse to coach the game.

Some of the posts were lifted from Scout.com's Phog.net, but one reader snagged screengrabs from some of the more doltish people who fell for it, like former Memphis Tiger and current New Jersey Net Chris Douglas-Roberts who was a little freaked out by his turncoat coach writing on his wall:

Of course, this could also be a fake Chris Douglas-Roberts but I'm hopeful people don't have that much free time on their hands.

Some of the other Fake John Calipari victims include this poor kid who actually wrote an essay because he thought it would enter him in a contest to win a one-on-one dinner with the coach:

And then there's this guy, who was eager to thank Calipari for the lessons he learned after he attended his summer basketball camp:

If John Calipari tells you to "Put It In The Butt" then you damn well better do that, I guess. If you'd like to befriend this John Calipari before the real John Calipari shuts it down, you can do so by clicking here.

*******

Okay, so the comment changeover thingee didn't happen today, obviously. It will be very soon, though, but I'll tell you the gist of it in the meantime since I hinted about it last night.

Here's the deal: Starred commenters will become royalty and non-starred commenters will be shuffled off to an alternative commenting universe on the site , which I'm told is quite like purgatory, one filled with screaming headless children threadjacking their own threadjacks or something. It's a little confusing, I know, but hopefully it will all make more sense once it's enabled and I'll give you specific instructions and guidelines for how to succeed in this format.

So once this is up and running, you'll hopefully see why the mass de-starring executions had to occur. No, I wasn't very nice about it, but it was also an effective way of rooting some people out who I (or the silly ninjas) may not have noticed otherwise. But for those offended, this is my informal apology for said shadiness. However, this was also a way to make the whole process moderately amusing for the 95% of the readership who could give a crap about the commenting situation but who do enjoy watching online melodrama. Sorry. You were outnumbered. Anyway, until the switch is flipped, onward.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Yeah you are.

Charles Robinson and Jason Cole: Yahoo! Sports has learned tonight—on the eve of the national championship game between the Memphis Tigers and the Kansas Jayhawks—that star freshman guard Derrick Rose has been declared ineligible for allegedly cheating on his college entrance exam.

Jim Nantz: Hello, friends. I regret to report that March Madness has come to a sad end. Every rose has its thorn—and Derrick Rose's shocking suspension has forced the Memphis Tigers to concede tonight's title game to Kansas. Rock, chalk, championship by forfeit!

Billy Packer: CBS will never be able to force me out now. What college basketball needs to get through this horrible crisis is my patented brand of old-man finger wagging.

Mario Chalmers: I'm coming back to Kansas for my senior year. I might've left school early if I had made one of the greatest shots in NCAA Tournament history, but that didn't happen.

John Calipari: Considering all of these accusations, I believe it's for the best that I step down as the basketball coach at the University of Memphis.

The Door: (Creaks open, then closes. Forever.)

Erin Calipari's Facebook status: This is all Pat Forde's fault.

Chad Ford: We're hearing that Derrick Rose is plummeting out of the lottery. GM after GM has told us that Rose is untouchable because of perceived "character issues." With Pavel Podkolzin having pulled his name out of the draft, the Bulls are now strongly tied to Italian teenager Danilo Gallinari.

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select … Derrick Rose from the University of Memphis.

Jeff Zeleny, New York Times: Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin claimed today that Democrat Barack Obama "palled around" with the Chicago operatives who allegedly rigged star hoopster Derrick Rose's SAT test.

Dan Balz, Washington Post: In a historic election year, Barack Obama became the first African-American to secure his party's nomination for the presidency. Tonight, he became the first African-American to lose to John McCain. "My opponent ran a brilliant campaign," Obama said. "Those ads where they superimposed Derrick Rose's face over Willie Horton really worked."

John McCain: There is no place for a playoff in college football. The bowl system has worked just fine for a century and I don't see any reason to change it. Back when I was a boy in 1902, I remember going to the first Rose Bowl …

Jim Nantz: Rock, chalk, another championship. Mario Chalmers and Kansas have done it again!

Billy Packer: I don't care what the final score says, Jim. I'm giving the trophy to Tyler Hansbrough and the North Carolina Tar Heels. What a tough, scrappy, hard-working, effort-giving champion.

Pete Garcia, Florida International athletic director: We have conducted a comprehensive search to find the finest disgraced basketball mind in all the land. Today, we are proud to announce that John Calipari is our new head coach.

John Calipari: It is an honor and a privilege to be here. Now I'll let the newest FIU Golden Panthers, John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins, say a few words.

Isiah Thomas: It is an honor and a privilege to be in my living room, still unemployed.

Pat Riley: It is an honor and a privilege to become the coach at my alma mater, the University of Kentucky. I have the ingredient UK needs to get back to the promised land: slicked-back hair.

Myles Brand: After an exhaustive investigation, we have discovered no irregularities in Derrick Rose's SAT scores. Please carry on.

Report: NCAA accuses Memphis men's basketball of major violations [ESPN]
Memphis Tigers find no proof Derrick Rose cheated on SAT [ESPN]

CBS Sports is reporting that Robert Dozier—who graduated from Memphis as the winningest player in college basketball history—originally tried to enroll at Georgia, but the school would not take him because his SAT score was "fishy." He took the SAT a second time, but the school was still not convinced his score was legitimate. So instead he went to Memphis and joined the most successful class in NCAA hoops history.

The problem with this accusation—and the similar accusation against Derrick Rose—is that it's nearly impossible to prove unless they were caught in the act, which they weren't. It's just a suspicion that something was amiss and as Memphis rightly pointed out in the Rose instance, he was cleared to play by the NCAA. So the sports cops can't exactly come back a year later and blame the school. Plus, if the cheating happened in high school is that Memphis' fault? Or are they ultimately to blame for admitting a kid who cheated on his SAT, even if they were duped too?

Conspiracy hounds would say that of course Memphis knew what was up, because these kids can't have a sandwich without a recruiter knowing about it. Even if they didn't know, does that fact they would ignore the warning signs when another school was so suspicious saying something about the Tigers ethics? But without proof (and with Rose and Dozier long gone) it won't make much difference one way or the other. Memphis (and John Calipari) won't be punished and those who think they're both dirty will never be convinced otherwise. And that's why we all love college sports!

Dozier went to Memphis, not Georgia, because of SAT flap [CBS Sports]
Memphis: We didn't cheat [AP]
Memphis Responds… and Guess What, Everything Was a Big Misunderstanding! [Rush The Court]
[Photo via Memphis Commerical-Appeal]

Just like the rest of Kentucky's fan base and her father — who called out "this Pat Ford guy" in a tweet last month — Erin Calipari has taken umbrage with Forde's reporting on Kentucky's basketball program. The Kentucky resident has rained on the Calipari-to-Kentucky parade since the opening press conference, presciently warning of past transgressions and shady alliances, but his criticisms have been consistently dismissed by the Wildcat commentariat because he co-wrote a book with Rick Pitino and, consequently, must just hate the Widcats.

So in the last two days, Erin Calipari has been on the offensive, dissing Forde through Facebook for more than 3,000 of her closest friends. A collection of status updates (Photoshopped for consolidation), sent in from astute readers:

Perhaps she should heed the advice her father gave her other sister after she scooped the news that Josh Pastner would be Memphis' new head coach: "I told them that they have to get off Facebook. This stuff is crazy."

John Calipari takes on ESPN, or vice versa [The Dagger]
Facebook's Megan Calipari has learned... [Gary Parrish]
It's 'see no evil, hear no evil' in Kentucky [ESPN]
The Calipari Daughters Should Probably Get Off Facebook Immediately [Deadspin]

So that's what he was hiding behind The Door. The allegations include "knowing fraudulence" (that's really a word! I looked it up.) or "misconduct" on an SAT exam by a player on the 2007-2008 team, and that they also provided over $2,000 in free travel to an "associate" of that same player. The player's name is redacted in the letter sent by the NCAA to Memphis and obtained by the Memphis Commercial Appeal, but he only participated in that one season—which included 38 wins and a national championship appearance—so that pretty much narrows it down to one-and-done Tiger hero Derrick Rose.

There are many people out there who are of the opinion that Calipari is a slimy no-good swindler and this just makes his convenient shuffle on down to Kentucky (more on them later) that more more slippery. Those people will be happy to know that Calipari was not named in the letter and will face no repercussions. Neither will current coach Josh Pastner or anyone one else on present or future Tiger teams. Rose is long gone, so they can't touch him. So what, you might be asking, is the point? Well, if the Tigers are found guilty it's possible that they will be forced to "vacate" their record 38 wins from that year, taking away the four-year win record that belonged to this year's senior class, give up a Conference USA championship, I suppose, and also take down any Final Four banners that they may or may not have. In other words, nothing.

As I've noted before, vacated wins and records are a common NCAA punishment that actually punishes no one. Remember, this is a "major" violation, but both Calipari and the Memphis athletic department were adamant that no one currently in college basketball will be scarred by this. So if the allegation is true, it means that Memphis helped a player who had no intention of ever graduating cheat so he could enroll in school for one year, then he helped the school to its greatest season ever and skipped town with no repercussions to anyone except the stat guy who has to buy more erasers. The Memphis golf team (which is also part of the investigation) will probably suffer more.

Seriously, great job all around.

Report: NCAA accuses Memphis Tigers of violations [Memphis Commercial Appeal]
Geoff Calkins: Allegations like this come with the Calipari territory [Memphis Commercial Appeal]
Report: NCAA accuses Memphis men's basketball of major violations [ESPN]

DeMarcus Cousins, one of the coach's prize commitments when he was still working for the Tigers, has changed that commitment and now says he will attend Kentucky. Well, ain't that a kick a pants. Their other top recruit, Xavier Henry, has also "reopened" his recruiting even though—unlike Cousins—he had already signed a letter of intent to play at Memphis. Kids are so crafty these days. He may not follow Calipari to Lexington, but rumor has it that the only way Memphis holds on to him is if new coach Josh Pastner gives Henry's dad a job in the basketball program, which believe it or not, is totally allowed under NCAA rules. I believe the word you're looking for is "integrity."

If Henry bolts to Kansas or Kentucky, his older brother C.J. (a walk-on at Memphis) will probably leave too. He's not on scholarship because he's actually under contract to the New York Yankees, who are paying for his schooling even though he apparently gave up on baseball last year. He didn't play a single minute this season, but it doesn't matter because he was only there to lure Xavier anyway.

Add in the loss of freshman Tyreke Evans to the NBA (who probably would have left anyway), the winningest senior class ever, and Facebook princess Megan Calipari and the school will be seriously lacking in talent next year. And all because Billy Gillispie can't handle halftime interviews. What a world.

UK lands Cousins [The Courier-Journal]
DeMarcus Cousins to Kentucky [Rush The Court]
Memphis not hiring recruit's father [Lawrence Journal-World]
Memphis grants recruit Xavier Henry release [Sporting News]
Wall weighs hefty decision [News Observer]

On the left, that's 22-year-old Erin Calipari, a former guard for University of Massachusetts, who's on her way to graduate school. Then there's 19-year-old Megan Calipari, who's transferring over from the University of Memphis to enroll at UK. (That's probably for the best. No matter how pretty she is, she probably wouldn't be the most popular girl on campus.) But they're both popular on Facebook. Since their father took the UK job, they've officially become the First Family of Lexington and with that comes a new, stalker-like level of admiration, including Facebook fan clubs. Yes, We Heart Megan Calipari and We Luv Erin Calipari took all of a few hours after John Calipari's press conference to go live. I'm actually surprised The Door has yet to become fans of either one of them.

Anyway, uh, best of luck to these ladies. And for the love of God — do your best to keep candid, possibly revealing photos of yourselves off the internet. You're royalty now.

Calipari: We're Regular People [KentuckySports.com]
Megan Calipari Would Love To Add You On Facebook [The Fix Is In]

Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart began the introductory press conference by reading Calipari's entire resume in an effort to convince himself that giving his basketball coach an eight-year, $31 million contract was a totally justified financial maneuver. Then Calipari spent most of the morning explaining to Kentucky fans that their favorite team probably won't go undefeated next season. He explained his coaching style (basically, "recruit talent and let them do whatever they want") and dropped as many old school hoops names as he possibly could to let everyone know he GETS IT. He's a family man. His wife tutors kids! His grandparents came through Ellis Island!!!! Why can't you see how freakin' humble this guy is?

So yeah, Kentucky is the new Memphis and if they're not in the Final Four in two years they'll be calling for his head.

Calipari embraces the Blue [Lexington Herald-Leader]

This thing is reaching mythic proportions. The Door and everyone associated it with are bona fide internet celebrities. Who knew that the simple steel hatchway of a Conference USA athletic department could enthrall an entire nation; nay ... an entire planet. (It's even more popular than The Gate at the coach's house.) Who gives a crap where John Calipari ends up? The Door should be the one getting a $4 million deal.

Personally, I can't wait for "The Door: The Movie." Starring Morgan Freeman as the grizzled veteran reporter about to stumble on the scoop of a lifetime, Reese Witherspoon as the plucky Lois Lane-type who is about to learn a lesson they didn't teach her at journalism school, and Hugh Jackman as ... The Door. It will make Ironman 2 look like Leonard Part 6.

The latest word now is that the University of Kentucky has dispatched a private charter plane to Memphis in order to pick up ... THE DOOR!! What a Cinderella story!

THE DOOR!! [Facebook]
Door Watch + Gate Watch [MyFox Memphis]
Calipari Watch, Day 2: Pretty Blonde Reporter Is Latest Victim Of The Madness [Deadspin]
Calipari Headed To Kentucky, Door Likely To Follow As Assistant [Sporting Blog]

UPDATE: Calipari has accepted, of course. The Door abides.

* * * * *

Well, that's it for today, I guess. Remember, every time God closes one door, he opens up a window somewhere else ... and then throws 35 million dollars out of it. Thank you for your continued support of entrances and exits everywhere.

Rumors are flying all over the internet and talk radio about the potential offer Kentucky has made to Tiger coach John Calipari. Six years, eight years; four million, six million, box seats to the Derby, a new pony to ride in the Derby. The only thing they all agree on is that there is no way he turns the Wildcats down. His departure from Memphis has been all but confirmed (they are already talking about Missouri's Mike Anderson as his successor), although the University has yet to say anything. I'm guessing that there will be an official announcement sometime this evening, probably right at the moment when sportswriters all over the Eastern Time Zone are trying to sneak out of their newsrooms so they can go to dinner.

Also, included in the rumors is that Calipari will be taking his entire staff with him to Lexington and (most likely) his recruits for next year, including all-world guard John Wall, who is not officially signed.

In the meantime, you can stare at this door. I guess Calipari is supposed to be behind it somewhere and will soon emerge carrying two canvas sacks with dollar bill signs on them, but no one knows for sure. (His car is in the parking lot! It's white!) The only thing I do know is that the wild west chat room next to the picture is endlessly entertaining. Such colorful language! Plus, the guys running the camera are clearly losing their minds. Good times on the internet fun machine.

Door Becomes Internet Star in Calipari Drama [Sporting Blog]
Credible sources say Calipari refuses counter offer from Memphis [Memphis Roar]
Coach Cal from Tiger to Wildcat(?) [Sparty and Friends]

Update: Seth Davis from SI says it's almost a done deal [SI]

Update Update: The Memphis Commerical Appeal says Calipari is "lobbying for former Tiger assistant and current UTEP coach Tony Barbee to be his replacement in Memphis, possibly using the threat of current players leaving the program as leverage." Classy. [MCA]

Of course Kentucky is a better job than Memphis. More money, more prestige, a bigger conference, multiple opportunities to meet Ashley Judd. They also have some of the most ungrateful fans in North America. Winning a national championship (which Calipari has yet to do, by the way) is no job security when you're coaching in Lexington. And if all those boosters who just didn't get Billy Gillispie's annoying shtick think John is going to be their new golfing buddy, they got another thing coming.

On the other hand, you don't get to be someone like John Calipari without believing you can bend the universe to your will, so he will probably head to Kentucky determined to tame the Wildcat faithful and carve his name into Rupp Arena. No 2-seeds for 30-win teams in the SEC! Plus, there's the whole ghost of Rick Pitino thing, which only makes it more tempting. This is all provided the money is right, which it should be, because Billy Gillispie never signed the seven-year contract that would have guaranteed him a $6 million buyout, so UK is probably off the hook for that.

I believe the term you're looking for is: (forehead slap!)

Source: Calipari contemplate taking Kentucky job [ESPN]
Gillispie out at Kentucky after two seasons [Times Gazette]

When Oseye Gaddy placed down the phone at her desk, she was unable to contain her excitement. She had just gotten off the phone with the CEO of her company. Out of 190,000 employees throughout the world, FedEx Express president and CEO David Bronczek, one of the company's most influential executives, had chosen to reach out to an ordinary customer service representative, working across the country in Tacoma, Wash.

But Gaddy is hardly your average customer service rep these days. She's also the mother of one of the most highly-sought-after and uncommitted basketball recruits in the country, Abdul Gaddy. And Bronczek is not merely a CEO. He is also a booster of the University of Memphis basketball program.

Well, I'm sure that the CEO didn't know who Gaddy's son was. They probably just talked about call center issues and...wait... he knew. Per Fox Sports "I was like, 'Why would he want to talk to me?' But the whole time he talked to me, he talked about my son. He was just talking to me a little bit about (John) Calipari and the program and then he was telling me about The FedEx Forum and how he goes to a lot of games and sits on the floor," she added. "How Calipari is a really nice guy."

Just a little heads up to the NCAA, while they're looking into this incident they might want to check out some cosy FedEx internships that the Tigers players get to partake in. I'm sure those positions are just as coincidental as this phone conversation.

NCAA to investigate Memphis booster's phone call [Fox Sports]
Shocker! NCAA to investigate Memphis hoops booster [The Big Lead]

That's not true, of course; Bissinger has a lifetime of work to stand behind, and Calipari is a smooth car salesman college basketball coach. But Calipari surely had similar concerns to what Bissinger had about blogs, but he asked questions, waited for a response, listened and asked followup questions. It's pretty simple.

If there's anything we can take out of yesterday — other than the outpouring of positive emails we received; we were very touched, though a few began to take the tone of condolences, as if something bad had happened to us, like a relative was ill or something — it's that two things that would have benefited both sides in this debate were destroyed on Tuesday night. (We made this point to Mr. Sandomir for his story today, but it didn't make the cut, probably because it, you know, was relevant.)

We think that Bissinger could benefit from a legitimate look at sports blogs: The bad, the good, the hilarious, the grotesque, all of it. Clearly, this was not something that had happened before the program Tuesday. And we also think many sports blogs could benefit from reading Bissinger's books, which, on the whole, are well-researched, well-considered and thoughtfully (if, sometimes, a bit purple-y) written. This could be good for everyone. Unfortunately, after Tuesday's show, neither of those will ever, ever happen.

And now, we're probably ready to let all this go. We knew it had grown out of hand yesterday when we saw a blog yesterday that didn't care about sports, or journalism, or anything else, just simply post the video with the headline: "Old Man Going Crazy." We do hope that's not the takeaway from all this ... but we have our fears.