We're not sure Kruk is that bad, though, and we are regular "Baseball Tonight" watchers. But man, those hair explosions. The Sports Hernia has had quite a bit of fun with this.

Of course, for Philly fans — or anyone who, like us, loved that 1993 team — Kruk will always hold a special place in the heart. And he's not crazy like Daulton either.

So: Do you like the John Kruk? Do you not like the John Kruk? Voters unite!

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Ever wonder why you've never seen a Vladimir Putin bobblehead doll? The Russians wouldn't know what to make of such a thing. Ach! I touch it, and head bounces in unseemly manner! (Smashes it with shoe). We are not amused by foolish spring toy! No, the bobblehead is a truly American idea, representing a rich tradition handed down by the founding fathers. The bobblehead doll is America.

No one understands this better than minor league baseball, which rolls out not one, not two, but four great bobble promotions over the next five days. Leading off is the great, scruffy John Kruk, who, in addition to being a former Phillie, once played for the Las Vegas Stars. Kruk will be honored tonight by the Las Vegas 51s, as the team is now called, who will give out his bobble likeness to the first 2,500 fans who show up for their game with the Tucson Sidewinders. Before he was a Baseball Tonight superstar, Kruk played for the Stars from 1984-86, winning the Pacific Coast League batting title in '85. The man himself will be in attendance, and will be demanding polish sausages, no doubt. You know where the snack bar is.

From sunny Las Vegas we take you to Sioux Falls, S.D., where another TV legend, former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw, will be bobbleized on Saturday by the Sioux Falls Canaries (Independent American Association). Brokaw was born in Webster, S.D., and married a former Miss South Dakota, and you can honor him by attending the game between the Canaries and the St. Paul Saints. And don't forget that Saturday is Aerospace Appreciation Night for the Lancaster JetHawks (Class-A California League), who will be honoring that great moon pedestrian, Buzz Aldrin, in a game against the Stockton Ports. Dr. Aldrin will take part in a pair of special ceremonies on the field before and during the game, and the first 1,000 fans will receive a bobblehead doll featuring Aldrin in the flight suit he wore when he became one of the first two men to walk on the moon (that is, if you don't believe that the entire thing was faked).

Also, the Auburn Doubledays (Class-A New York-Penn League) will rock hard on Tuesday, Aug. 28, with Johan Santana bobbleheads to the first 1,000 fans at their game with the Mahoning Valley Scrappers. The great Minnesota Twin played for Auburn in 1997 and '98. A different kind of bobble promotion occurred on Aug. 19, as the Florence Freedom (Independent Frontier League) handed out bobbletowers to the first 1,000 fans who showed up and claimed a voucher. Believed to be the first bobble depiction of a stationary landmark, the toy represents the famous Florence, Kentucky water tower on which the words "Florence, Y'All" are painted. A full report on that event after the jump.

A tribute to Gene Simmons of KISS, the triumphant return of Mariner Moose, and I forget to mention Alzheimer's Awareness Night, all after the jump.

• Report From Bobbletower Night. A reader reports in on this gala event: Is this the first of its kind? Anyways interesting Bobble promotion for the Independent League Florence Freedom. I had the pleasure of attending the game Sunday and the watertower is located off of I71/75 south of Cincinnati in Northern Kentucky. Zooperstars were in attendance and my 2 year old was terrified of Roger Clamens.....His head has gotten bigger. [Thanks to David Kovich]

Other promotions ...

• Return Of The Mariner Moose. Saturday, Aug. 25. Yakima Bears (Class-A Northwest League). To help rehabilitate his image, or perhaps as a condition of his probation, the Mariner Moose visits U.S. Cellular Field to delight fans with his crazy antics. It's all part of his multi-city Mooseapalooza Tour. Don't go near his bus!

• KISS The Season Goodbye Night. Saturday, Aug. 25. Brockton Rox (Independent Can-Am League). It's Gene Simmons' birthday, and that can only mean one thing: Big fun at Campanelli Stadium. There will be a KISS face painting booth, and the Rox will be sporting special KISS-inspired jerseys that will be auctioned following the game. Plus it's the final homestand of the season, thus the name of the promotion.

• Jackie Robinson Heritage Night. Saturday, Aug. 25. Daytona Cubs (Class-A Florida State League). In 1946, Jackie Robinson Ballpark (then called City Island Ballpark) was the scene of the first integrated spring training game in modern baseball history. Jackie Robinson, who was playing for the Montreal Royals, was called up to the Brooklyn Dodgers the following year. On Saturday the Cubs celebrate the event with Jackie Robinson Ballpark Heritage Night. Stop by, 'cause it's going to be a party. [Thanks to Brian]

• Salute To The Simpsons. Sunday. Aug. 25. Mahoning Valley Scrappers (Class-A New York-Penn League). We're talkin'... Softball. From Maine to San Diego. Talkin'... Softball. Mattingly and Canseco. Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw. Steve Sax and his run-in with the law. We're talkin' Homer... Ozzie, and the Straw ... Chris Yambar, a Simpsons comic book writer, will be on hand to sign autographs as the Scrappers pay tribute to the folks from Springfield. But it's also Win-A-Free-Funeral Night, where one lucky fan will win a pre-paid funeral. Orioles fans could have used this on Wednesday, of course. Doh! [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Trade Of The Week. In the Class-A New York-Penn League, the Vermont Lake Monsters have sent intern Michael Biasuzzi to the Lowell Spinners in return for intern Corey Mills. I hope there wasn't a drug test.

• The Summer Of Bristles. Last week I brought you the inspiring story of Bristles, the toothbrush mascot who heroically runs around the bases while brushing each one of them clean ... striking a blow for both our nation's pastime and dental health. Problem is, I said that he does this for the Wilmington Blue Rocks. As several readers pointed out, Bristles actually inhabits LeLacheur Park, home of the Lowell Spinners (Class-A New York Penn League). Some even included photos for proof. I stand corrected, and hereby declare this The Summer of Bristles on Deadspin. Here's to you, Bristles. May no one ever floss again. [Thanks to many]

We want your minor league tips! Send all game reports, tips and photos to RickChand@Gmail.com. And thanks!

They point out now, however, that Krukie's hair appears to be depressed. Perhaps he's starting to feel guilty about never calling Harold Reynolds?

Kruk's Hair Stuck In A Monstrous Slump [The Sports Hernia]

But it's still surprising to see John Kruk step up and admit it.

You may or may not have caught John Kruk's act on Baseball Tonight last week. In a Q/A session with the other hosts, Kruk answered "the Pirates" when asked "who will be leading the NL Central at the end of the month?" Whatever, just another ESPN guy trying to look smart if it actually comes true. Big deal, right? Wrong. A couple days later, Kruky was on "The D-List" radio show here in Madison to discuss his pick. Kruk admitted that he really wanted to pick Milwaukee as his answer. Apparently, the ESPN brass tried to stiff arm him into saying he thought the Yankees would be leading the AL East by June. Kruk refused, so they made him make one bold selection, thus the Pirates pick. And this was all admitted on the radio by Kruk!

Expect a memo, Mr. Kruk; your dissemination of unauthorized opinion and retelling of fact-based events will be noted in your personnel file.

ESPN Is A Fraud [Chuckie Hacks]

But it's people like him that are targeted by The Phoenix in this, their list of the 100 Unsexiest Men in America. It's littered with names from the sports world, including Curt Schilling, John Kruk, George Steinbrenner, Tony Kornheiser, and the afore-mentioned Ronaldinho.

55. Ronaldinho. The world's greatest soccer player is so ugly, even his action figure has buck teeth. Kissing him must be like getting kicked in the face by a donkey.

Goodness.

I hope the people included wouldn't take it too seriously. I know women willing to do at least two of the people listed here, Colin Meloy and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not at the same time. I don't think.

Myself, I really don't care a lot about the sexy quotient of people like SportsCenter anchors, and I wouldn't care if Chris Berman (who did make the list) spontaneously grew 9 fungus-ridden big toes out of his forehead, if he agreed to not ruin this year's NFL Draft by tipping off every pick before it happens, we could be best friends.

The 100 Unsexiest Men 2007 [The Phoenix]
The Ugly Truth [Foul Balls]

This story, from John in Cherry Hill, N.J., helps explain why.

The legend of the Vet Stadium 700 level is well preserved in fandom lore. The fights, the thugs, the drunks, the clenched fists and scowls. Having bore witness to this section in person on a few occasions, I can whole-heartedly say that this is one of the few times where a legend truly lives up to itself.

In 2000, during Andy Reid's first full season as head coach, when the Eagles finished a rebuilding mode 5-11, I attended the final home game of the year against the Rams, who had pretty much benched all their starters since they wrapped up home field advantage and were in prime position to head back to the Super Bowl. The 700 level was less ornery that day — the Eagles were winning the game and that was enough to keep the crowd somewhat civil throughout. However, during the third quarter, some dude dressed in a very old Isaac Bruce jersey, a Rams' baseball hat and carrying some hokey cardboard sign that said "Rams Rule!" or something equally unoriginal began to walk around the perimeter of the 700 level deck. He passed our section once to a flurry of boos. He did it again and the boos became louder. The crowd began to get restless and I knew that something was going to happen to this misguided person if he came by again.

On his third pass, it happened — a full cup of soda came rifling down and hit him in the chest. The crowd cheered. Security began to make its way up to the section and everybody turned around to see who the culprit was. When security began walking the man down the stairs, the cheers became louder and when I finally got a view of the man, it was obvious he was not just your average drunk, pot-bellied animal that lived in the 700 level. Or was he? It turned out that the soda-thrower was former Phillie-cum-ESPN analyst John Kruk, wearing an awful grey sweatshirt and completely feeling right at home with the maniacs. As he was escorted out of the section, he made presidential waves to the rest of the fans — which was now giving him a full-on standing ovation — and security seemed to let him ham it up a bit because they knew who he was as well. If anybody questions why Philly was so in love with the '93 Phillies team — and the Eagles, for that matter - well that could pretty much sum it up right then and there.

Athlete Run-In: David Wells' Special Talent [Deadspin]

MISSES

• "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith". Whatever your thoughts on Stephen A. — though we suspect we know which direction most of you lean — this whole enterprise has been an unmitigated disaster. Launched with unprecedented fanfare (they were running ads for this on Salon), the show is a ratings black hole, Smith clearly struggles with sports that aren't the NBA and the show's awkward transitions are proof he desperately needs a Greg Anthony-type to play off. Scariest part about this: He has a four-year contract for the show, an albatross if there ever were one.
• Everything PTI Hath Wrought. Once the formula was established by Kornheiser and Wilbon, Shapiro and company proceeded to run it into the ground, turning every bit of "original programming" into something from VH-1's "Best Week Ever." The worst is "Around the Horn," which encourages former journalists to make idiots out of themselves. More on this in a bit.
• "ESPN Hollywood" and "Teammates." The former is the television equivalent of Page 3, and it's pretty clear how that has turned out. "Teammates" more often looks like it belongs on Logo than on ESPN.
• All The Futzing With "Baseball Tonight." Once, "Baseball Tonight" was the end-all-be-all for baseball fans, a place where Peter Gammons, Jayson Stark and Harold Reynolds broke down the games' details with wit and precision. Now John Kruk and Larry Bowa compare wads of chewing tobacco.
• Skip Bayless. We suspect even Skip is confused by Shapiro's dogged loyalty.
• The General Degrading Of The Profession Of Sports Journalism. Writers whose work readers and fans had admired for years were put on television and instructed to act like chimps. Credits were given for confrontation and volume of one's voice rather than reporting skills or even grasp of the issues. To stay on the air and earn their nice TV paychecks, longtime sportswriters were forced to keep upping the ante just to make sure the golden goose stayed alive. The logical outcome of this was realized yesterday on "Cold Pizza" — another Shapiro misstep — when Woody Paige ate dogfood live on the air.

(Later: The close of our series, a look at the future without Shapiro.)

So anyway, yeah: Joe Morgan's going to be broadcasting for the next eight years, at least. Enjoy that, America.

MLB, ESPN Reach Eight-Year Agreement [MLB.com]
Fire Joe Morgan [Blogspot]

(By the way, the guy in that picture with Joe is Joey Jam, the self-proclaimed "Entertainer to the Stars." So you know.)

HR: (sarcastically) "I'm picking the best pitcher. He's got 30 straight saves. He blew two in the beginning of the year against the Boston Red Sox. I'm talking about Mariano Rivera of the New York Yankees. His stuff is electric. He's back throwing like no one else in the league right now, and because of him, they're riding this guy all the way to the postseason once again, and to me, he deserves to win a Cy Young."

KR: "Would you ever consider a closer like Gagne a couple years ago?"

JK: "No."

KR: (very dismissively) "No, 'cause they don't win."

JK: "No, because they don't —"

KR: "He's on a winning team, he does answer that."

JK: "Because they don't start. Starters should win the award. They have an award for relievers."

KR: (pauses, then, visibly upset) "Rolaids."

JK: "That's right. I need one."

Fire Joe Morgan [Blogspot]