Arsenal Fan Idris Elba Loves Laughing At Sorry-Ass Chelsea As Much As We Do

Idris Elba is from London. Thus, he’s an Arsenal fan. Because his team has been cast over the past decade as The Big Engine That Can’t, he’s had to endure repeated humiliations and ridicule at the hands of the Gunners’ rivals. Now that the shoe’s on the other foot with regards to Chelsea’s God-forsaken season, he’s… »11/18/15 5:27pm11/18/15 5:27pm


Why Chelsea Should Stick With José Mourinho

This Chelsea season is beginning to feel like that “Sideshow Bob Steps On Rakes For 10 Minutes” video. The first couple self-inflicted thwacks in the face were funny; the next few established the pattern; and when it continued repeating from there it became even more hysterical than ever, leaving you in stitches if… »11/09/15 12:17pm11/09/15 12:17pm

Referee: Irate José Mourinho Cussed Me Out In Dressing Room

Earlier this week, England’s Football Association gave José Mourinho a fine and a one-match ban from the sideline for some sort of behavior that got him sent to the stands during halftime of Chelsea’s 1-2 loss to West Ham. Now we know exactly why: it was because Mourinho freaked the fuck out on the refs. »11/06/15 3:50pm11/06/15 3:50pm

Wins Were All José Mourinho Ever Had To Stand On

The only thing more unfathomable than a historically great manager having his job status seriously questioned just half a season removed from a title, is said manager and club falling apart so thoroughly that the speculation about his imminent demise begins to appear justified. And yet this is exactly the situation… »11/04/15 3:00pm11/04/15 3:00pm

José Mourinho Continues To Lose, Then Give Great Postgame Interviews

Chelsea lost at home today, as they’ve been doing all season, and José Mourinho gave some performatively defiant comments about his tenuous job status, as he’s been doing all season. Chelsea’s season from hell got worse as they let Liverpool come back and beat them 3-1 on a pair of tremendous Coutinho strikes. Here’s… »10/31/15 2:26pm10/31/15 2:26pm

José Mourinho Caught Apparently Shoving A Kid Trying To Sneak A Selfie

It’s not been the best couple months for Chelsea boss José Mourinho. We already knew that his shockingly poor start to the season and the pressure that has come with it was beginning to fracture the man’s sanity. Now he’s out here in the streets of London, pushing teens who just want a picture.
»10/21/15 9:45am10/21/15 9:45am

José Mourinho's Self-Regard Grows In Inverse Proportion To Chelsea's Record

Hey remember when David Moyes coached United for a year, everyone agreed it was an unmitigated disaster, and it became the standard by which to measure all EPL meltdowns? José Mourinho, the little tyrant man who will probably get fired from the USMNT someday, and Chelsea have started this season three points worse… »10/04/15 11:48am10/04/15 11:48am

Chelsea Players Starting To Rebel Against José Mourinho

It was inevitable that Chelsea’s astoundingly poor performances and results so far this season would lead to some level of internal strife inside the club. We now have confirmation of this, with sources in the team describing a rift between the players and José Mourinho to two different papers. »10/01/15 1:48pm10/01/15 1:48pm

Diego Costa And José Mourinho Are The Shitheads We Need

The more you think about it the more inevitable it seems that José Mourinho—the ne plus ultra of managerial shit-talking, barb-throwing, and incessant needling of rivals—and Diego Costa—his dispositional equivalent on the field, only with elbows substituted for verbal barbs as his projectile of choice—would combine… »9/21/15 4:53pm9/21/15 4:53pm

Here's José Mourinho's Bullshit Excuse For Why He Demoted His Team Doctor

Earlier this week, José Mourinho demoted Chelsea’s long-serving team doctor, days after he publicly showed her up during a game last weekend. He’s rightly come in for criticism for the decision, so now “sources close” to him have concocted an excuse for the change: the players didn’t feel comfortable around a lady.… »8/12/15 6:46pm8/12/15 6:46pm

José Mourinho Demotes Team Doctor After Blowing Up Her Spot On Pitch

Eva Carneiro, the long-serving Chelsea first team doctor, has been a staple of the team’s matches over the years, rushing out onto the pitch as the first responder to any and all of their injuries. It’s very likely that one such attempt to treat a player on the field last weekend will be her last, however, because… »8/11/15 1:20pm8/11/15 1:20pm

Jose Mourinho Is In Midseason Form As Chelsea Barely Survive Swansea

Chelsea opened their Premier League title defense today with a topsy turvy 2-2 draw against Swansea City. As you can see, Jose Mourinho ain’t too happy about it. Our staff of amateur lip readers concurs that he’s dropping a “Fuck off Michael!”—directed towards referee Michael Oliver—but you could make the case that… »8/08/15 3:31pm8/08/15 3:31pm

José Mourinho Has No Use For This Loser's Medal, Or For Arsène Wenger

Arsenal beat Chelsea 1-0 today to win their second straight Community Shield, and it appears Chelsea manager José Mourinho has about as much use for the match as the rest of us. Here he is avoiding congratulating rival manager Arsène Wenger and then throwing his second-place medal up into the crowd. »8/02/15 12:55pm8/02/15 12:55pm

José Mourinho Is Shitting On Managers Again, Which Means Soccer's Back!

We’ve seen preseason play and preseason brawls, and now that José Mourinho has broken out the ol’ charcoal grill and laid on a couple thick slabs of Arsène Wenger and Manuel Pellegrini tenderloin, the aroma of preseason beef means the Premier League season is just around the corner. »7/28/15 6:39pm7/28/15 6:39pm

José Mourinho Gets Philosophical In Rant Directed At Haters In The Media

“The world is a bit strange. Maybe because of diets, and maybe because of the quality of produce we are eating, I think memories are getting shorter,” José Mourinho begins his wild, metaphysical ride that somehow ends with him basically calling certain members of the media jealous cowards.
»3/13/15 11:04am3/13/15 11:04am