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Here's José Mourinho's Bullshit Excuse For Why He Demoted His Team Doctor

Earlier this week, José Mourinho demoted Chelsea’s long-serving team doctor, days after he publicly showed her up during a game last weekend. He’s rightly come in for criticism for the decision, so now “sources close” to him have concocted an excuse for the change: the players didn’t feel comfortable around a lady.… » 8/12/15 6:46pm 8/12/15 6:46pm

José Mourinho Demotes Team Doctor After Blowing Up Her Spot On Pitch

Eva Carneiro, the long-serving Chelsea first team doctor, has been a staple of the team’s matches over the years, rushing out onto the pitch as the first responder to any and all of their injuries. It’s very likely that one such attempt to treat a player on the field last weekend will be her last, however, because… » 8/11/15 1:20pm 8/11/15 1:20pm

Jose Mourinho Is In Midseason Form As Chelsea Barely Survive Swansea

Chelsea opened their Premier League title defense today with a topsy turvy 2-2 draw against Swansea City. As you can see, Jose Mourinho ain’t too happy about it. Our staff of amateur lip readers concurs that he’s dropping a “Fuck off Michael!”—directed towards referee Michael Oliver—but you could make the case that… » 8/08/15 3:31pm 8/08/15 3:31pm

José Mourinho Has No Use For This Loser's Medal, Or For Arsène Wenger

Arsenal beat Chelsea 1-0 today to win their second straight Community Shield, and it appears Chelsea manager José Mourinho has about as much use for the match as the rest of us. Here he is avoiding congratulating rival manager Arsène Wenger and then throwing his second-place medal up into the crowd. » 8/02/15 12:55pm 8/02/15 12:55pm

José Mourinho Is Shitting On Managers Again, Which Means Soccer's Back!

We’ve seen preseason play and preseason brawls, and now that José Mourinho has broken out the ol’ charcoal grill and laid on a couple thick slabs of Arsène Wenger and Manuel Pellegrini tenderloin, the aroma of preseason beef means the Premier League season is just around the corner. » 7/28/15 6:39pm 7/28/15 6:39pm

José Mourinho Gets Philosophical In Rant Directed At Haters In The Media

“The world is a bit strange. Maybe because of diets, and maybe because of the quality of produce we are eating, I think memories are getting shorter,” José Mourinho begins his wild, metaphysical ride that somehow ends with him basically calling certain members of the media jealous cowards.
» 3/13/15 11:04am 3/13/15 11:04am

José Mourinho Comes Up With Novel Way To Criticize Poor Refereeing 

José Mourinho was pretty unhappy with referee Martin Atkinson in Chelsea's draw with relegation threatened Burnley, feeling that there were multiple uncalled penalties for Chelsea, and that Nemanja Matic was sent off unjustly. Not wanting a fine, he restrained himself from blasting the decisions directly, instead… » 2/21/15 12:47pm 2/21/15 12:47pm

Nobody Wants Fernando Torres

Fernando Torres must've thought that his two-year loan move away from Chelsea—where, instead of repaying his outrageous transfer fee with a highlight reel of goals, he became more well known for his comical, almost unbelievable ability to miss unmissable shots—to AC Milan would be the perfect opportunity to recover… » 12/12/14 3:35pm 12/12/14 3:35pm

Chelsea And Spain Are Locked In A Dumb War Neither Can Win

Even by the standards of dick-measuring contests, the one ongoing between Chelsea and the Spanish national team has been awful for months. At some point, though, this sort of thing stops being merely dumb and threatens to become actually harmful to the players each side should be trying to protect—and we're nearing… » 11/13/14 5:30pm 11/13/14 5:30pm

The Assassination Of Iker Casillas By The Coward José Mourinho

Real Madrid handily beat Barcelona this weekend, with adulation bestowed upon many of the individual victors for their performance. Isco proved his grit and talent in fighting for a spot on a team lousy with great attacking midfielders and excelling when given the chance. James Rodríguez showed why he was made the… » 10/29/14 2:22pm 10/29/14 2:22pm

José Mourinho Doesn't Intend To Stop Being An Asshole Any Time Soon

José Mourinho is feeling himself right now. He has the best team in England, maybe the best in the world, and they're firing on all cylinders. So his typically dismissive response to a recent controversy involving other coaches' not taking too well to his celebratory handshake routine isn't surprising in the least. » 10/18/14 10:00am 10/18/14 10:00am

Typical José: Chelsea's Champions League Win Was Right On Schedule

José Mourinho's teams are some goddamn cockroaches, man. Just when you think you've got them squashed, their viscous innards seeping from their corrugated underbelly—as PSG could've justifiably believed, leading Chelsea 3-1 after the first leg of their Champions League tie—they somehow keep right on crawling and end… » 4/09/14 2:03pm 4/09/14 2:03pm