Johnson has been "barred from team activities" while they "investigate" his alleged use of anti-gay slurs against Twitter and other real media types. However, when you play in Kansas City ... is that really a punishment? Johnson, meanwhile, apologized to anyone who cared to listen "for the words I used." The yelling and the insults? That's all good, but he really should have chosen a different term of non-endearment.

"I regret my actions. The words were used by me in frustration, and they were not appropriate," he said. "I did not intend to offend anyone, but that is no excuse for what I said."

Well, that was to be expected. Now we just sit back and wait for the inevitable trade/deactivation/release. There's no point in him ever playing for the Chiefs again, but maybe his dad could use a new assistant. Like that guy in Rememeber The Titans!

Chiefs RB Johnson apologizes for gay slurs [Yahoo/AP]

P.S. But he was (maybe) nice to a little kid once, so forget all that other stuff you're heard. [Jocklife]

Despite Johnson's heroic 49-yard effort on Sunday, his team got waxed by the Chargers. So he did what any athlete would do in Fall 2009, he fired up the old Twitter to let the world know that his coach is a buffoon. (Way ahead of you, LJ.) Everything sic, by the way:

"my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!"

"My father played for the coach from "rememeber the titans". Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn"

Actually ... is that even an insult? I'm not sure if knowing someone who had a movie made about them makes someone else qualified to be an NFL coach, but if the point is that you can't do much worse than Todd Haley has in his first year ... then point taken, I guess.

But Larry wasn't done there. He decided to get into it with some other people on the internet that he doesn't even know. And maybe call one of them a fag.

Jared Launius: Interesting comments by Larry Johnson ( @toonlcon ) about "coaches." Hey LJ, is it Haley's fault you fall when D-Linemen blow on you?

Larry: "@jaredlaunius Sorry ur a cornball n ur mom birthed u broke. But I'm cakn patna. While u work or school for 5 dollas n hour. Ha!"

Jared Launius: "Apologies. His Twitter alias is @toonicon whatever the hell that means. Probably something about spitting in women's faces."

Larry: "@jaredlaunius think bout a clever diss than that wit your fag pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u."

And still more:

"@DrewK30 got nuthn to do wit hiring my father. But u wouldn't know cuz u don't play either so keep on the sideline lil gril n cheer."

"@KD2407 then don't reply then. Still richer then u. Keep goin. Come play our game ooops forgot u can't."

It seems Larry's arsenal of comebacks pretty much consists of "I'm richer than you," which is admittedly quite persuasive. Let's see what else is on the Twitter Scandal checklist. Twitter feed turned to private and/or deleted? Check. Player's agent confirms that it's his feed, but tries to mitigate the damage? Check. So I guess all that's left is a fine and a fake apology before the week is out? And I don't know ... about eight or nine more losses for the Chiefs? (That probably would have happened regardless.)

However, when you consider that Johnson has not punched or spit upon anyone this season (that we know of!) and has refrained from recording any terrible rap songs, I'd say 2009 has been pretty successful.

Chiefs RB Larry Johnson Starts War of Words with Fans on Twitter [Arrowhead Pride]
LJ's Twitter page rips Haley, uses homophobic slur [Yahoo]
LJ's rant, the apparent shots at Haley, and what it all might mean for the Chiefs' locker room [KC Star]
Larry Johnson's dad has some advantages over Todd Haley [PFT]

UPDATE: Johnson in an effort to make the hole he's digging even deeper, tells Kansas City reporters entering the locker room on Monday to "Get your faggot asses out of here." Lovely. [PFT/Arrowhead Pride]

1. Great googly moogly, Todd Haley is an asshole. When you get to be my age, you become very good at that Gladwellian skill of thin-slicing people: recognizing, within just a few moments of seeing them, what kind of person you're dealing with. It's skill honed by attending weddings, cocktail parties, and any number of other events where you're forced to interact with complete fuckheads. And Todd Haley is a complete fuckhead. Watch this video and tell me he isn't the coach from "Dazed & Confused". Listen to him say to Jamaal Charles, "You better take care of MY football." What a fucking dick. It's not your football there, fella. The league issued it to the team. It's the team's ball, and you can shove it up your ass. Jamaal Charles isn't toting that rock just for you. Is that supposed to motivate him? Would Belichick, asshole that he is, ever pull that high school coach act? I'm no fan of player's coaches. But there's a clear line between a coach who won't take any shit, and a coach who's just a megalomaniacal jackass, and that's Todd Haley. Ask yourself, would YOU want to play hard for this raging dickface? Fuck, would you even want to play for a guy named Todd? No, you would not. Todd is an asshole name. THAT'S A FACT.

I'm sure there will be an open spot for Todd Haley in college football once he's stabbed by his own men and fired three years from now. He'll likely end up at Auburn, or some other SEC school that happily deifies self-aggrandizing cocksuckers. Todd Haley is one step away from being Marty Mornhinweg, cruising out of practice on his motorcycle like a complete idiot. The fact that Scott Pioli is in charge doesn't mean that Haley won't go the way of every ex-Belichick assistant turned head coach out there. Fans assume guys like Haley will be the next Belichick. Even worse, Haley himself probably believes it. He's Saban with the Dolphins. I guarantee it.

2. JAZZ ODYSSEY. When I think of pointless American cities, my first stop is always in Missouri, with St. Louis and KC. Congratulations, you two. You are in NO danger of ever being killed by a terrorist with a suitcase nuke. Any terrorist worth his salt knows blowing up your city wouldn't affect us one bit, and would probably serve to only improve our great nation. You're right up there with the Buffalos and Indianapolises of the joint: faceless flyover towns chock full of fat people and TGI Fridays. Oh, I know KC has barbecue and jazz. Well, I fucking hate jazz. Jazz is scat singing with horns. The only reason people listen to jazz is because they like the idea of being someone who listens to jazz.

As for barbecue, you can't get that anywhere. "But Kansas City has the only TRUE barbec…" yeah yeah, shut the fuck up. I'm immune to America's regional barbecue pissing matches. MEMPHIS BBQ IS BETTER! NO, KC BBQ IS BETTER! NO, CAROLINA BBQ IS BETTER! It's barbecue. It's slow cooked meat with sauce. It's good everywhere. I'll eat it, regardless. Why don't step away from hog pit and concentrate on making your town famous for something every other city doesn't also do well?

3. Fuck Neil Smith and his Band Aids.

4. Matt Cassel doesn't have history on his side. Since the end of the Len Dawson era, the Chiefs have been home to perhaps the most consistent run of average quarterbacking the world has ever known. DeBerg. Bono. Green. Chiefs QBs have always been competent enough to lead them to the occasional 13-3 year and absolutely, positively, no further than that. It's uncanny, really. There's never been a Chiefs quarterback who made you sit up and say, HOLY SHIT! (Except that time Bono ran for an 80-yard TD against the Cardinals, but that was the Cardinals). Playing QB for the Chiefs all but guarantees you are some giant white stiff who's good at times, but never great when it truly matters. And so it will be with Cassel. It doesn't help that the team's defense it still fairly putrid. 6-10 for you, you faceless, bland assholes.

5. The readers have their say. The Chiefs seem to have a history at being okay at one phase of the game, and not terribly good at the rest of it. Reader Alison knows this all too well:

Did you know the Chiefs won a Super Bowl once? You would if you were from Kansas City because you are never, ever allowed to forget it. This year is the fortieth anniversary, which would be a lot more touching if it didn't mark forty fucking years of not making it anywhere all that close to repeating the experience and if they didn't honor the 1969 team every single year like it just happened yesterday. You know how the Chiefs should honor the fortieth anniversary of the '69 team? By letting everyone in town have the chance to punch Len Dawson in his big smug face, because fuck that guy…

If you want a true statement of how much the Chiefs suck, consider that our modern heyday is defined as such because it mostly involved making the playoffs every year and then promptly losing. And we were never all that surprised at losing, either, because at no point in the 1990s can I recall realistically believing that the Chiefs would make it to the Super Bowl, much less win it. Just watching them was excruciating. Remember the Chiefs offense of the Schottenheimer era? It was Marcus Allen getting 100 yards a game six inches at a time. It was like Chinese water torture, and this is when we were winning. In 1995 we had home field advantage throughout the playoffs and then lost in the divisional round at home to Jim fucking Harbaugh by three fucking points because Ray fucking Finkle missed three fucking field goals. Bring this up to a Kansas City fan and they'll sigh fondly and say, "Yeah, remember when we used to make the playoffs?"

And Jason B.

My roommate during my freshman year was a huge KC Chiefs fan. The Broncos intercepted a Chiefs pass and the dude went NUCLEAR. He literally trashed his room, kicking in the drawers of a metal filing cabinet so the top and bottom was bowed out, and the coup de grace came when he threw a pair of scissors, blade first, at his hollow core closet door. They were embedded in the door up to the handle.

I used to think he was an exception to Chiefs fandom, but I was wrong. I quickly found out that the KC Chiefs turn even the most reserved person into rabid hillbillies who willingly spout racial and sexual epithets at whoever is playing against their team. They'll also tell you that the Chiefs are a superior sports team no matter the sport, never mind the fact that they can't win a game against a Special Olympics track team.

And James D.

Todd Blackledge. Year after year of former 49's quarterbacks. Trading Rich Gannon away to end a quarterback controversy with (an inferior) Elvis Grbac, just to have Elvis bolt for a free agent deal with the Ravens. Some truly frightening (in a good way) defenses in the 90's wasted by Marty Schottenheimer's inability to coach once the playoffs come around. Some truly frightening offenses (in a good way) being wasted because Dick Vermeil and Al Saunders were to busy showing the world that Mike Martz was not the sole force behind St. Louis' Greatest Show on Turf to find a single useful defensive player. Carl Peterson enjoying the media sparring with agents too much to ever get a 1st rounder into camp on time. Wasting Tony Gonzalez's best years by never managing to win a playoff game (Good luck in Atlanta, Gonzo, I would have wanted out, too). Trading Gonzalez away in an effort to aid rebuilding before giving up and signing any wide receiver over the age of 30 who could make a tryout. Larry Johnson only managing to stop pouting about something (anything) long enough to slap a bitch (or two, or three).

The Ring of Honor that used to grace the inside of Arrowhead Stadium with the name of past greats proudly displayed for all to see? Well, it's in a very nice little alcove off behind a concession stand now. So if you go find it, I hear it's really well done. And don't worry, if you still want to see them from the bleachers during a game, they'll be scrolling along the bottom of one of the scoreboards. That's how you honor true legends. The home field advantage that Arrowhead used to be so known for? That's hard to maintain when you're letting the 2008 Buffalo Bills hang half a hundred on you. Oh yeah, Todd Haley was nice enough to bring the Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator with him. So while we know we can't recreate last year's Cardinals offense without Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, there's still hope we can recreate last year's Cardinals defense. And to top it all off, the Kansas City Chiefs will be wearing Dallas Texans uniforms for three games. Nothing says KC pride like a helmet with picture of Texas on it.

Damn it all, now I'm depressed AND pissed off.

Don't forget about trading Jared Allen! You did that, too!

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC North to go.

Last time Johnson popped up on this site he was part of a Deleted Scenes porno fantasy of some reckless emailer from upstate Pennsylvania. Prior to that, he was in the midst of an image-makeover after it seemed for a while any female he came within two feet from was slapping an assault charge against him. Johnson plead guilty to some, not guilty to others, but is ready to move on in a world free from Herm Edwards and the pressure of being a number two ranked fantasy running back. Oh, and he found his soulmate in wacky hattedness in Chili from TLC but I have not been keeping up on whether those two have made the leap to full-time coupledom.

Johnson seems downright giddy in these photos, probably because new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli's generous additions to the offense will mean LJ won't have to carry the ball 987 times this season, most likely saving him from being a Rascal-bound invalid by age 35.

LJ Buying Big Bottles Of Champagne To Get Ladies Liquored Up [SBB]

Pearlman's yarn:

One of my favorite all-time stories is about Elvis Grbac (left), Rich Gannon (right) and People Magazine's Sexiest Men issue from 1998. It is both outlandish and 100-percent true.

Back in the day I knew many People staffers, and they were all cool, fun, intelligent-and woefully ignorant about sports. Every year, in planning the Sexiest Men issue, People's editors would ask a bunch of us at Sports Illustrated for suggestions and insight. In 1998, for a reason I'll never understand, they decided not to seek out help.

The magazine chose Rich Gannon as its Sexiest Athlete. At the time, Gannon was a member of the Kansas City Chiefs. Still a couple of seasons removed from his golden tenure with the Raiders, Gannon was 33, handsome and likable. In other words, a solid choice. Yet People, being People, simply informed the photographer assigned to the piece that the Sexiest Athlete was the Chiefs' quarterback. Hence, he took pictures of the Chiefs' quarterback. Well, one of the Chiefs' quarterbacks: Elvis Grbac.

Yup.

The pictures made their way back to the New York offices, and editors were dumbfounded. This was their Sexiest Athlete? Yet upon learning the truth, no one with the magazine had the heart (guts?) to tell Grbac that an unfathomable mistake had been made. As a result, Elvis Grbac reigns as People's 1998 Sexiest Athlete.

The article's final line says it all: "His personality makes him sexy."

Amen.

Oof. Maybe this should be added to the "Elvis Grbac" definition on Urban Dictionary.

Elvis Grbac: Not As Sexy As Originally Indicated [Jeff Pearlman]

Seattle Seahawks? Hey. Um ... HEY! [pokes with stick] Your turn!

In case you hadn't heard, the Patriots sent their "franchise" quarterback—who has fifteen non-high school starts—to the Chiefs, along with crafty veteran Mike Vrabel, and all they got in return was a single second-round pick. So wait ... that's why everyone was making such a big fuss about Cassel during the offseason? The Patriots were really going to throw out Tom Brady for a guy who wasn't worth half a second-rounder?

Or could it be that Cassel was simply a parting gift to former Patriots executive and new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli? Jay sure thinks so and he wants Roger Goodell to lay the smackdown on someone.

What better way to thank Pioli, who tag-teamed with Belichick to mold three Super Bowl-champion teams, than by setting him up with a dramatic personnel boost in his first winter? Problem is, it smacks of an integrity issue when Belichick earmarks business with a pal and doesn't maximize his return in a big trade. You think other teams aren't irked today at The Gray Hoodie's unusual graciousness? Complicating the story was a Saturday night report on ESPN.com that the Denver Broncos had pursued a three-way trade that would have reunited Cassel with new Broncos coach Josh McDaniels and sent Jay Cutler to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who would have compensated the Patriots. The talks fell through for whatever reason — all of which is said to rightfully anger Cutler, an accomplished Pro Bowl quarterback who reportedly wants to be traded now — and it prompts more questions about the Belichick-Pioli perfecta winning out.

There's more, of course, and Mariotti does sound a bit paranoid ... but that doesn't mean people aren't out to get him. Cassel is almost certainly being overrated, but one lousy second-rounder for a guy that other much dumber teams would have gladly overpaid for? Plus another player to fill a roster spot thrown in? It does seem rather generous, especially for New England. Could Jay actually be the voice of reason here? Fascinating, if true.

Kansas City's Sweetheart Deal for Cassel Warrants NFL Probe [Fanhouse]

* * * * *

Anyway, that's it for tonight. Still no word on those missing boaters, but hopefully we'll know more in the morning—and hopefully it will be good. It's a downer, I know, but wish for the best anyway.

Gooood DAY.

Shanahan will 'definitely' not coach Chiefs, or anyone else, in 2009 [SI]

Dan Reeves interviews with 49ers [ESPN]

But seriously, how is Herm Edwards the only coach to not be fired this offseason? And he has a brand-new general manager, no less. I can only assume that Herm is an FBI plant, maintaining his position solely to gather intel on the drug trafficking scene in Kansas City. And that the Chiefs are in cahoots with the feds. And that's truly the least ridiculous reason I can fathom for that man still having a job.

Ooh, a double date to a Chiefs game in December! That really is treating a lady right. Just one question: who brings the skeleton?

2008 Singles: Bios and Pictures [more info @ Kintera.org]

The lawsuit accuses Johnson of negligence, assault and battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress and negligent infliction of emotional distress for the incident at Club Blonde, in which he is said to have spit a drink in Stewart's face, and added the fun quote: "Im going to kill your boyfriend."

"This is not about money," said Kirra N. Jones, Stewart's attorney. "My client has worked her way through school. She's in the Air Force, National Guard. She's a hardworking student and this really came as an unfortunate incident in her life. But you know what? She's a fighter. She's willing to be the person who finally makes Larry Johnson answer for his repeated bad behavior."

Johnson already had a court date on Dec. 5, in which he is accused of assaulting another woman. But he has a more immediate problem, namely the New Orleans Saints, who will no doubt welcome him warmly after his four-week layoff.

Forecast for Kansas City the rest of the month: Small dark cloud hovering over Herm Edwards, with chance of intermittent shitstorms.

UPDATE: Arrowhead Addict reports that the pose shown above is from the Women of KU calendar from 2006, at womenofKU.com. They also say that the woman is "allegedly" Ms. Ashley Stewart.

Larry Johnson Got Sued [The Worldwide Leader]
Woman Sues Chiefs RB Larry Johnson Over Bar Spat [International Herald Tribune]

Granted the Chiefs lost on a failed, fuck-it-we-suck two-point conversion try against San Diego, but Thigpen's play has resulted in a much sunnier outlook from frustrated Chiefs' fans:

• Arrowhead Pride says, "I can't remember the last time the Chiefs got the ball late in the game down in the score and I felt pretty good about our chances to drive 60 yards for a score. I watched Tyler Thigpen yesterday and felt a confidence I hadn't felt in a Chiefs quarterback in a long time. Even though the Chiefs didn't convert the 2-point conversion to win the game (which they wouldn't have had to if we hadn't missed a PAT earlier), they came closer to their second win than the last two weeks."

• MVN, Home of the Chiefs: "It's not just the fact that he's played very well in three consecutive games. It's not just the fact that he's managed to stay healthy, while Croyle and Huard could not. It's not just the fact that he hasn't thrown a pick in three games. It's not just the fact that he's carried this team on his back, even despite the complete absence of a running game, which is a quarterback's best friend and a defense that can protect his leads. It's not just the fact that Thigpen looked like a 15-year veteran as he drove the ball down the field with a minute and a half left during a key touchdown drive."

• Arrowhead Addict: "I will not be talking about QB’s any longer, I feel Tyler Thigpen barring a major melt down is the Chiefs starting quarterback not only the remainder of this season, but the start of next season as well. He didn’t cave under the pressure of the two minute drill with time expiring. No my fellow Chiefs fans, i will focus on the defensive side of the ball."

Of course there are still those who think otherwise. You know, like Whitlock:

"As for Tyler Thigpen (266 passing yards and three TDs), I like what he’s doing, but I’m far from sold on him as anybody’s quarterback of the future. He’s not Rich Gannon. He’s a good backup. The ability to improvise and an instinctive swagger define starting NFL quarterbacks. I don’t see those qualities in Thigpen."

Tyler Thigpen Will Guide The Chiefs to Victory Right After Making Gentle Back-Door Love To This Skeleton [Deadspin]

Everyone's favorite rap superstar befriending, boyfriend threatening running back has been suspended for one game without pay by the NFL. Johnson, who has been deactivated by his employer for the last two games, will not play against the Chargers next Sunday.

The Chiefs didn't seem too upset about the suspension, and released the following statement:

"We respect the decision of Commissioner Goodell,” said Carl Peterson, president of the Kansas City Chiefs. “The NFL Player Conduct Policy sets forth a set of standards that all NFL players, coaches and staff members must abide by. Upon the completion of his suspension we sincerely hope that Larry will be ready to return to the field for the Chiefs determined to make a positive contribution to our team and, with the assistance of the people around him, turn his life around.”

Though one game for allegedly threatening to kill a man doesn't seem like that large of a penalty, the ramifications for Johnson here could end up being quite severe.

He stands to lose out on about $3.5 million in guaranteed money next year, and depending on the outcome of his other legal issues, the Chiefs' running back could find himself in more hot water with the NFL down the road.

Chiefs’ Johnson suspended one game by NFL [Kansas City Star]

Chiefs Statement on NFL Suspension of RB Larry Johnson [KC Chiefs.com]

From the Kansas City, Mo., police report, as obtained by the ironically-titled blog Arrowhead Pride:

When the victim found her friend, the friend told her "LJ" wanted to say something to her ... the listed victim stated the suspect then laughed and stated "All I wanted to tell you is that I'm going to kill your boyfriend." The victim replied by saying "OK." The suspect then stated "I'm going to [fuck] his world up because I can't [fuck] yours up." ... The victim then stated she backed away from the suspect thinking that the conversation had ended when the suspect took a drink and sprayed the victim with the drink by spitting it in her face."

So to recap, Johnson has been involved in four alleged assaults involving women; has been suspended by the Chiefs for breaking team rules (he sat out Sunday's game against the Titans, the team saying that the suspension has nothing to do with this latest incident); sang a bizarre anti-Chiefs rap on MySpace last year in which he referenced his contract dispute with the team; and, most notably of all, has disappointed Stephen A. Smith.

If it seems like we've been down this road before, well of course we have. Johnson is a talented running back whose moral compass is certainly lost or broken, a curious state of affairs when one considers the strong support he's had from both his father, Larry Johnson Sr., and his college coach, Joe Paterno. While Johnson's story is not in Michael Vick or, God forbid, Lawrence Phillips territory just yet, doesn't it feel as if that's where things are heading?

Larry Johnson: 'I'm Going To Kill Your Boyfriend' [Arrowhead Pride]

Gonzalez admitted to all NFL players favorite psychotherapist, Fox Sports' Jay Glazer, that he was "pissed off" when he found out he will be stuck catching balls from Croyle/Huard/Thigpen for the rest of the year.

I'm shocked. It didn't make sense not to do this deal. It's winding down for me and this team is rebuilding. If they said from the get-go, 'No, we're not going to trade you,' that would've been better than how this whole thing unfolded. But that's not what happened.

Nope. Not at all. Gonzalez says he won't let his anger affect his play, he'll be a good soldier, he'll still save choking victims, etc. but this isn't the way he wanted to go out.

"But you know what? I can't cry about it. If anything, this has motivated me even more. I'm a Chief, will be happy to be a Chief and will bust my butt for the Chiefs. I was never not happy being a Chief. I just wanted the chance to spend my last couple of years winning a title, not rebuilding. But I'm here to help rebuild, I'll work with all our young guys and get after it like I always have."

To give this a more positive spin, let's congratulate Gonzalez on becoming the Chiefs newest assistant coach.

Gonzalez angered and baffled by non-trade [Fox Sports]

Photo: Blake Little