Holy shit, are these guys gay. Apparently, this photo was taken just before the oil bath. Anyway, here’s a round of roast tributes to Leitch from everyone at KSK, a site that never would have existed without this one. I can think of no more damning indictment of Will Leitch. Let’s go.

MATT UFFORD

Hey, thanks for having me. Sorry I’m late. I had trouble finding someone to fill in for me at work. You have no idea how hard it is to find a ninth-grader to write different variations of the same three jokes on your blog. One who isn’t union, anyway.

I’d like to thank Drew for inviting me. What an honor. As the only alumnus of the prestigious Phillips Exeter Academy in the sports blogosphere, Drew is a tremendous disappointment to Phillips Exeter Academy. I can’t imagine his embarassment at class reunions. Why, all of Drew’s racism is merely of the published word! He doesn’t even have the employment status to refuse minorities’ job applications! How marvelously bohemian!

Oh, and good to see the Deadspin commenters could make it. I heard traffic from the inside of your rotting giraffe carcass was a real bitch. No, no – you guys are great. I can’t wait to read all three variations of the same joke later in this thread. Heck, I got my start as a Deadspin commenter, and I could never keep up with all of you now. As Will leaves, I see the humorous side of the site in your hands, and it makes me feel… What’s the opposite of shame? Less shame? Yeah, that’s it.

As for Will, I could never publicly malign someone who has offered me such support and friendship over the last couple years. Well, at least not on his own Website. However, I have agreed to read this message from some friends of mine. It reads as such:

Mr. Leitch, We applaud you on your restraint during the recent incident on HBO when Buzz Bissinger so cruelly disparaged you and your work. Your noble silence let the world know that you are dedicated to keeping your pride intact. Way to sit there and take it! Sincerely, Native Americans and German Jews

UNSILENT MAJORITY

[swills vodka]

Aw shit, that's good.

Hey everybody, it's great to be here! This is my first roast, and I gotta say I'm having a hell of a time. The open bar has bottle service, and the Belvedere is flowing like Big Brown's piss. Plus they've got me sitting next to Jeffrey Ross, and that asshole taught me something about good roast jokes. He's actually entertaining, unlike this midwestern corn shucking motherfucker over here. Will Leitch, the Mad Gasser of Mattoon, Illinois.

I like Will, because he's a nice guy and he's probably the biggest gentile I'll ever know. If But you know what? Fuck Jesus. And hell, fuck Illinois too. As far I can tell from its representatives in the blogosphere all it takes to get into that school is a 1200 on the SAT, a decent essay, and the haircut of a pederast. Oh, and speaking of Illinois, fuck Chief Illiniwek's rotting corpse. But most of all, fuck you Will, and you're genteel Mattoon upbringing. Home of the antithesis of Judaism itself, the world's worst bagel. I wouldn't fuck a fresh baked Lender's abomination with Nick Denton's dick.

So does this New York website need a weekend editor, or what?

security enters stage left]

Oh come on Nick, it was a fucking joke!

[/vodka]

MICHAEL “CHRISTMAS APE” TUNISON

[Offices of New York Magazine]

Editor-in-Chief Adam Moss: What do we have for the September issue? C'mon, let's hear it.

Culture Editor Jared Hohlt: Cover of the Jonas Brothers. Breakout headline: Are They The New Strokes?

Articles Editor Laura Kern: Secondary feature: The Strokes: The old Jonas Brothers?

Photography Director Jody Quon: Pictorial of gay Republicans!

Design Editor Chris Dixon: Pictorial of gay clergy members!

Senior Editor Jesse Oxfeld: Pictorial of gay clergy members married to gay Hillary supporters who plan on voting for McCain.

Moss: Any chance they could be Ron Paul supporters?

News Editor Carl Swanson: [Inhales sharply] Oooh, maybe.

All: Tendentious!

Hohlt: And, uhh...uhh... profile of random wealthy Manhattanite?

Moss: Okay. Not bad. Any way we can work in the war?

Swanson: No.

Oxfeld: No.

Hohlt: No.

Dixon: Yes.

No. I mean, no.

Moss: Don't know if I'm sold on that. Could use something else.

[Door flies open]

Will Leitch: Ya betta, that is to say, youcouldmaybeifyouweresoinclined ask - not in the invasive way we're put off by because really who needs to be that preemptory? - someone ... ask them something that sort of drives at what we feel is in the milieu and not what the cognoscenti thinks is the milieu and man do you guys like Kurt Cobain?

Moss: Everyone, this is Will, coming to us from the sports blog Deadspin. Some of you may be familiar with his reviews of The Office for the Vulture blog. He's joining the magazine as an at-large editor. Any ideas for the upcoming issue, Will.

Leitch: See, there's this Woody Allen movie coming out this summer - did we ever tell you we're really a movie guy? Sports, though we sure liked them a bunch, were never our on true burning passion. We're almost like Kornheiser in that way. He even said that in a podcast, but I don't expect you to listen to those. Who really has the time to listen to all these podcasts? Every once in a while someone e-mails us to tell us something Bill Simmons said in his and we wonder about these people.

[Meeting ends, editors file out]

Leitch: So, anyway, the movie - but I suppose in his case they always take on the lofty title of film but that's kind of silly isn't it? - is called Vicky Cristina Barcelona and the big fuss is that it has a threesome - tres outre, but no, really, we don't use Gallicisms in Mattoon - with Scarlett Johannsen, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. I was thinking, in one of those flights of whimsy to which I'm sometimes given, what if andthisisonlyanif, I could rewrite that scene, featuring Woody with, uh, get this: Rick Ankiel and the reanimated corpse of Kurt Cobain. I think it would speak to our, uh, my, uh, your place in the universe while humanizing the human condition. So whaddaya think?

Fellas?

MONDAY MORNING PUNTER

I'm glad to be here at the latest Blogfrica Circle Jerk. Seriously, if we spent any more time discussing ourselves, we'd get a cease-and-desist from Mark Cuban.

But seriously, I'm very happy to be part of the festivities today, and I'm sure Rick Chandler will be happy to roast Will two weeks from now.

I think Will's already had quite a career, but he'd be running the New York Times by now if he was Jewish.

Even without Deadspin, Will's quite an accomplished writer. Not only did he pen God Save The Fan, but he's also written Catch, Life As A Loser, and Come As You Are.There should be a lot of interest in his fourth novel, Having A Small Penis Is Okay.

Good to see Dan Shanoff here today, or as I like to call him, Michael David Smith on HGH.

Spencer Hall is with us today. I don't want to say that Spencer's a fag but he's about a wrist muscle away from being a Caucasian George Takei. I heard his favorite foods are Caesar salad and Cream of White Guy Soup.

Will once said that Tony Dungy wasn't very black, which was a little insensitive. But at least Will never used the N-word to describe Dungy. Besides, it's not like he could find a second source on that.

Ever notice how we've never seen Will's emo bangs and Daulerio's mustache at the same time?

Will really has been unlucky with love, but it's not like he has much to work with. If his dick was any smaller, the bacteria in his pants would be stealing its lunch money.

But yeah, he broke up with his fiancée right before that Win Ben Stein's Money. He had another serious relationship fall through a couple years ago. That's terrible, Will. You couldn't nail down a piece of pussy if you had Bob Vila's dick.

Just kidding, Will. Thanks for everything, and good luck at Metrosexual Weekly.

Once Tunison "came out," MediaBistroDC did a dopey, sniggering post about it — we are unfamiliar with those! — and, perhaps predictably or perhaps surprisingly, the Post freaked out. Less than 48 hours after Tunison's KSK post, he was fired.

Upon sacking, I was told that I brought "discredit to the paper" with my choosing to drink at bars in my free time. Any good journo knows to keep the flask in the desk.

Getting escorted out of the building by security was no fun, and sharing the elevator with Dana Milbank on the way out was even worse, but none of that compares with the withering scorn of Jean Grey.

We understand the importance of The Washington Post not being "discredited" by its employees doing "embarrassing" things (like, say, drinking at a bar with a mascot). You would never, ever want to see something like that. (And one to grow on!)

Thankfully, today, the name of The Washington Post is safe.

Postie Likes To Post Solo Drunk Shots [FishbowlDC]
Ape Got Dooced [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

(Poor Dan Steinberg: The Tunison defense league has taken over his comments. We do not know for sure whether Mr. Steinberg was directly responsible for Tunison's firing, but, uh, we doubt it. )

This one, and the vaguely evil and hilarious Kevin Everett one, have us rolling. It's Thursday, and the holidays; we're easily tickled.

Week 16 In Captions [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

What makes Emmitt so awful? There's an arrogance there — the guy DID win "Dancing With The Stars;" he's earned it! — but everybody over there has that; we think it's something as simple as Emmitt seemingly refusing to do any research, assuming that his status as Emmitt! Smith! will draw people's rapt attention. He's Emmitt Smith, dammit! He drives a Dodge Stratus!

The best portrayal of Emmitt we've seen yet is, not surprisingly, from Drew at KSK.

So, to you teams hoping for a magic salutation to beating this New England team, all I can say is keep masturbating that ball up the feel. That's all I can tell you! I wish I knew more, but I'm just an anal cyst. Sorry.

Honestly, we're not gonna be able to watch Emmitt the rest of the year and not think of this column.

In Football, It's Very Important To Be Able To Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

After getting through Thursday night's season kick-off with John Madden only drawing one penis on the screen, Eli Manning is hoping he'll pick up the slack for this evening's tilt, as Manning's Giants travel to Texas Stadium to wage battle in a manner most NFC East with the Cowboys.

Storylines abound within the booth and without: What will Keith Olbermann be contrite about at halftime? Will he do the right thing and accept blame for Congress not passing more measures on troop withdrawl? Will he apologize to Byron Leftwich for keeping him off an active roster? Surely he can at least fault Tiki Barber for his equivocation and Jerome Bettis for his faking being fat to avoid having to make sense.

Cowboys QB coach Wade Wilson will be using his five-week suspension for taking performance-enhancing drugs to further advance his career as a "Merc with a mouth." Not for nothing, as Peter King will be trying to assume Wilson's regular identity in order to get closer to his intented, his Throwmo.

Count this as your DUAN post, DUANers. Thanks for having us for Weekend Daddy duties. It's been the tits. Really it has. Pardon us a moment, we're just so happy that football is back.

San Diego 14, Chicago 3 LaDainian Tomlinson made up for a fallow first half with a flush fantasy second, throwing for one touchdown and rushing for another, but still managing only 25 yards on 17 carries. Tommy Harris can jump offsides all he damn pleases, it's still not making up for a parlous Bears offense.

Detroit 36, Oakland 21 The Lions tried their level best to lose, blowing a 17-point second half lead over the Raiders in Oakland, but rebounded for the 36-21 win. Gotta suck for Daunte Culpepper, as getting the Raiders even close to a win before Week 7 has probably guaranteed Josh McCown the starting job until Jamarcus Russell signs a contract, which could be a while yet.

Seattle 20, Tampa Bay 6 About as boring as that sounds.

All possessors of the first pick in their fantasy football leagues would like to have a word with LDT at the moment, as the reigning NFL MVP (though Pacman Jones is the raining NFL MVP) has 12 yards on 11 carries in the first half against the Bears.

Elsewhere, the Seahawks scored in the last minute of the half, thanks to a Shaun Alexander 6-yard TD run to lead the Bucs 10-6 approaching half.

The Lions lead the Raiders 10-0 at half. It must be because Josh McCown started in place of Daunte Culpepper. That fella is a game changer.

Drew wrote a thoughtful piece about ESPN's traveling band of college football analysts that we probably should have run yesterday. I still think it's semi-pertinent since these guys are the exact opposite of the professional counterparts that we'll be tolerating today, who seem to excel at nothing else other than jerking each other off under a very expensive desk. Enjoy. -MMP

We sports blog folk are constantly derided for bitching about everything the mainstream media does. We hate every announcer. ESPN does nothing right. Blah blah blah. This is not true. It's just not very fun to write about what I LIKE. If it were all kitten and puppies and rainbows and shit, that wouldn't be very interesting.

Personally, I still enjoy some of what ESPN and their ilk have to offer. I think Ron Jaworski has been very good in the MNF booth. And I still like watching College GameDay whenever I get a chance to see it. In fact, College GameDay is, far and away, my favorite pregame show for any sport (I don't watch the NBA, so I can't vouch for "Inside The NBA". But watching Barkley eat ribs on camera sure SOUNDS fun.).

College GameDay has changed somewhat over the years. But, at its essence, it remains virtually unchanged from when I watched it in college a decade ago. You've got Chris Fowler, the consummate pro, guiding you through the day's action. You've got Lee Corso acting like a less annoying version of Dick Vitale. And you've got Kirk Herbstreit over on the side, applying a second coat of self-tanner. Throw in 10,000 already drunk college kids, dirty signage in the background, and the occasional field piece from Shelley Smith and/or Steve Cyphers, and you've got yourself a solid way to spend 90 minutes on a Saturday morning.

Of course, GameDay isn't without its faults. Plenty of diehard fans out there are more than happy to tell you all about how biased Corso and Herbstreit can be. I've always thought Corso was kind of a lapdog for Bobby Bowden. And I could do without Rocket Ismail altogether. Some have also argued the show has slipped over time. But, frankly, I'm not obsessive enough about college football to get too worked up about any of that.

I just like the fact that GameDay features three guys who have good chemistry performing a very basic task, and performing it well. There's nothing too fancy about GameDay, which is why I like it. Compare that to NFL studio shows, where five new ex-players are crammed onto the set each year, without regard to chemistry or ability. But WITH lots of cartoon robots, miniature playing fields, dumbfuck weather girls, and all kinds of other pointless shit I don't need. It's a little much. It's a LOT much. I fucking hate it.

I often think of what it would be like if Fowler got to host an NFL studio show, on the road, with just one or two other guys to do analysis. No forced laughter. No jock-sniffing. No road runner special effects. It could happen one day, right?

Nah.

The rulebook today gets minor edits by comparison, and the more notable changes have less to do with the play of the game and more to do with protecting the multi-million-dollar assets on the field. The most obvious of these is the crackdown on quarterback hits; too far down, in this asshole's opinion. Whether they be late, below the knee, between the earholes, or while the defender holds a piece of non-kosher meat, these hits are being called as penalties more often than not. "Horse-collar" tackles and hits below the knee also are now being penalized, in light of prominent players (and in some cases, their teams) having their seasons and ligaments ripped out from under them after being injured as a result of these techniques.

These extra rules are just one concession that teams are forced to make, based on player supply. Many followers of the game have argued that, with 32 teams consisting of 53 players per roster, there aren't enough good players to go around. This does not seem to stop teams from releasing the average player after less than four years of service, but never mind that for now. With players more expensive, their health remains critical to the bottom line. The violence that has been a staple of this sport for so long, that has led to players being spit out by this league, time and again, may itself be on the downside of its usefulness.

Fortunately, this league, this game, has collisions and unpleasantness to spare; smashing your body into that of another person at a high, heterosexual speed remains a staple of football, and it always will. The real danger is where the judicious forces could take control of the league yet again, and warp it into something deemed better for the sake of competition, only to dissolve the game's essence even further. That shouldn't be an issue today, where the league will finally do what it does best: get the hell out of the way while millions of people watch grown men beat the shit out of each other.

So one of the glaring inequities I've thought about is that when one assumes such a daunting task as trying to manage a dozen post-adolescent males and their make-believe experience, you are required—by law—to work for free. And it is work, as anyone who has ever been the commish can attest.

However, if I decide to enroll our league in a premium service (which I would never do, since Fleaficker is the absolute balls), I would be required to pay for that service. This, conversely, would be totally legal.

So if one person is doing all the work and actually documenting things and is answering emails at all hours, then it's gambling...but when some other facility is doing the work and charging me for it...it's a service?

Paging Deadspin LLC...

So one of the glaring inequities I've thought about is that when one assumes such a daunting task as trying to manage a dozen post-adolescent males and their make-believe experience, you are required—by law—to work for free. And it is work, as anyone who has ever been the commish can attest.

However, if I decide to enroll our league in a premium service (which I would never do, since Fleaficker is the absolute balls), I would be required to pay for that service. This, conversely, would be totally legal.

So if one person is doing all the work and actually documenting things and is answering emails at all hours, then it's gambling...but when some other facility is doing the work and charging me for it...it's a service?

Paging Deadspin LLC...

Q: Are some people opposed to VHEMT?

Yes, but only some. There's also this quote:

...we will arrive at virtually the same conclusion: we should voluntarily phase ourselves out for the good of humanity and planet.

I agree. Nothing could be better for humanity than ending humanity. This is the kind of project that I think actually does some good, because the people who will agree to phase themselves out are people I hope would never choose to breed anyway. And there are some figures in the world of sport I really hope will join the cause. We weren't able to stop people like Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, or Phil Mickelson from producing a few fuck trophies. But we can still get to some of these people and stop their bloodlines. People like:

-Peyton Manning. If Archie's kid gets this much goddamn attention, I don't even want to know what kind of hype Peyton's kid will get.

-Eli Manning. There's no need to further the genetic mutation.

-JJ Redick. Considering JJ employs urine as his preferred sexual discharge, I think this is a realistic goal.

-Kige Ramsey. William Faulkner once told his daughter, "No one remembers Shakespeare's children." So it is with Kige. To live in the shadow of such greatness is too much for one child to bear.

September, of course, is when baseball approaches my favorite part of the season — the end. I have no genuine qualms with the game or its fans; in fact, I can think of few more enjoyable ways to spend a sunny weekend afternoon than taking in a Greenville Drive game and enjoying moderately-overpriced refreshment between innings. But in September, baseball almost seems to get bored with itself. Most of the playoff spots have already been established, rosters have expanded. The season becomes stale. The hopes of fans have already withered.

Football, on the other hand, is the shiny new toy that we find under the tree that we can't wait to open and cherish. A game featuring our teams becomes an event, a celebration. Quite literally, it becomes a holiday. And while the congregated may not share a bloodline or a penchant for explosive devices as the case remains for other items on the calendar, these games do, in their own way, bring us together.

Sincerely, I am really looking forward to catching some playoff baseball, as I find those games as exciting as any played throughout the year, in any sport. But until October gets here, every one of my spare thoughts will be centered around the feasability of the end-around, the logic of the draw on 3rd and long, and devising new ways to make Peyton Manning look like an asshole.

-Lots of fucks

-Lots of fucks on top of the other fucks

-Lots of dick jokes

-Proper use of the Royal We, since we are, in fact, more than one person

-No stupid fucking "Now you have six Weekend Daddies!" jokes

-Less soccer. More boobies.

-Strict enforcement of The Commentist Manifesto, which has recently become as desecrated as the Stonecutters' Sacred Parchment on Rib Night

-More updates of the Hugh Johnson Project

-Tit shots

-Live NFL updates on Sunday

-Some light tap dancing

And we've got some surprises in store for you as well. Ever seen the phrase "Fuck you in the nostril" appear on this site? You will!

So sit back and enjoy yourself. Any tips and photos of livestock for Punter should be sent to kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. This site's about to get a big, hot beef injection. We suggest relaxing your jaw muscles and taking it all in.

Thankfully, Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber has a helpful guide to naming your fantasy football team. Some potential ideas:

• Ass Sashimi
• Destiny's Frankensteins
• The Killing Of A Chinese Ookie
• Body by Mangini

Body By Mangini is, without question, our favorite. Plus, it's not an Anchorman reference, and that helps.

The KSK Guide To Naming Your Fantasy Team [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

This graphic, whipped up by the great twoeightnine at With Leather, signifies a historic anniversary today: The folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber are celebrating their one-year birthday today. It's rather amazing to think it has just been a year since they spawned; they legitimately made last year's mostly subpar NFL season a glorious kaleidoscope of madness, and infinitely more enjoyable.

From the infamous Mary Beth King photos to the absolute genius that is The Sex Cannon, KSK has always been one of our favorite and most inspiring stops on this here Internets. Not only are they consistently hilarious — and they are — but they were also formed in the most organic possible way: Hey, you're funny, and you're funny, you're funny ... let's get together and do this. It's not that hard. Now we have Ladies ...and DeadOn and countless other sites inspired by what KSK did. They just dug in and starting throwing down; taking the work seriously, but not the sports. It really is that easy, folks. We love the Internet; we really do.

Happy birthday, guys. We recommend everybody head over there and join their party. Grossmans' already there, and ready to freaking party.

Kissing Suzy Kolber

Myself, I tend to doubt that Maroney is gay, as he's made it clear that he enjoys a good construda as much as the next guy (actually, I don't have any idea what that means). But, to present an alternate viewpoint, MTO commenter "richchick" breaks the picture down for us.

YUCK!!!..HE ACT LIKE HE DROPPED SOME RIBS ON THIS GUY NECK!!...AND THE GUY LOOKING LIKE HE'S ENJOYING IT LOOKS NASTY W/THOSE JAGGED BUTTER TEETH!!HOPEFULLY HIS FOOTBALL BUDDIES WILL SEE THIS AND TACKLE SOME SENSE INTO HIM!

I don't think there's anything I can add to that.

Koolaid Maroney Wants U To Wash U Ass [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Another Reason To Have Him On Your Fantasy Team [Deadspin]
SHOCKER!!! NFL STAR RUNNING BACK PHOTO'D KISSING A MAN!! [MediaTakeOut]