Shaquille O'Neal Won't Mince Words About Kobe Bryant

Kobe Bryant, Experienced Drinker

Paul Shirley, And The Frustrations Of The NBA Finals In Spain

Former NBA player Paul Shirley is the author of Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in My Life as a Basketball Vagabond. He is currently in Spain, and writes today for Deadspin about the difficulty of trying to watch Game 1 of the NBA Finals

Los Angeles 1, Boston 0.

No, that’s not a typo.

From my vantage point, the Lakers won Game 1 of the NBA Finals. I’m not making such a claim in protest — I’m not questioning a particular foul call or coaching move. I’m making that claim because I stopped watching near the end of the second quarter. The Lakers were ahead 45 to 42 and I was sitting in the kitchen, watching the game on my computer. And I was tired. In my defense, it was 4:13 in the morning.

How Far We've Come From The Kobe Video

Dr. Neil Clark Warren Explains The Rare Chemistry Between Kobe Bryant And Pau Gasol

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

Hellllllo! I’m Doctor Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com. I’ve been a clinical psychologist for over 35 years and have written nine best-selling books on building successful long-term relationships, all of which say basically the same thing. I’ve helped millions of fat, goofy, otherwise undatable people all across the country find their one true love, or at least their one person to grudgingly settle into long-term congress with.

Vanessa Bryant Goes 'Susie Green' Once Again

Big Surprises In Denver! (But Not Really)

The NBA Closer is written by Kyra Sedgwick ... I mean, Matt McHale, would be pretty happy to see more basketball and fewer promos from TNT, thank you very much. When he's hating on TNT's internal marketing campaign, he can be found skipping to his lou at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Quitters never win. The Nuggets didn't give up on this game — they actually fought tooth and nail to the bitter end — but that didn't change the end result: The Lakers completed their four-game sweep with a 107-101 win.

How The West (And The MVP) Might Have Been Won

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who thinks that a Lakers/Celtics Finals is starting to look like a seriously real possibility. When he's not dusting off his old "I Hate The Lakers" t-shirt, you can find him practicing his "Beat L.A." chant at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Dear God. Can anyone stop them? I don't know about you, but the Lakers' 106-85 pounding of the Spurs felt pretty chilling, didn't it? Kind of like when that alien ship blew up the White House in Independence Day...only...only this is actually happening. Now L.A. can claim the top seed in the Western Conference by beating the bottom-feeding Kings on Tuesday at the Staples Center. Honestly, Sacramento might as well not even show up.

Kobe Cries Tears Of Blood, Lakers Win

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who believes that only you can prevent forest fires. So the next time there's a forest fire, it's totally your fault. When he's not blaming you for nature's fiery blazes, he can be found fanning the flames of Basketbawful. Enjoy!

And the Warriors went down shooting. So surprises there. The Golden Staters lost an 11-point halftime lead and then staged a furious rally to overcome a nine-point deficit in the final minutes of regulation to force overtime where they eventually fell 123-119 to the Lakers. Zing! Bam! Ka-pow! There were gaudy numbers everywhere, baby! Kobe Bryant - who got his pretty face all cut up - scored 30 points on 30 shots to go with his 11 rebounds and 7 assists. Lamar Odom had 23 points and 21 rebounds (did anybody box that dude out?). Sasha Vujacic added 19 points and hit a big three-pointer in OT. Baron Davis played all 53 minutes of the game and had 9 rebounds and 7 assists to keep his 30 points company.

Ron Artest Says "Raaargh," But Lakers Win Anyway

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who never thought he'd live to see the day when Joel Przybilla could push around Shaquille O'Neal. When he's not having his most cherished basketball memories irrevocably altered by The Big Eraser, he can be found dancing the funky chicken at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• Kobe can finally eat in peace. Thank God. Kobe Bryant scored all 17 of his fourth quarter points - including 11 straight in one stretch - in the final 5:56, causing the bizarre eruption of an "M-V-P!" chant from the Arco Arena crowd. Said Mamba: "It's better than hearing cowbells. That was a trip. It felt great, though. I don't got to worry about nobody poisoning my burger now. I can eat in peace." Double negatives aside, the "M-V-P!" chant really isn't that surprising, particularly since the contest was officiated like it was a Lakers home game. L.A. got 40 free throw attempts to Sacramento's 17, and Kings center Brad Miller said that Kobe got "more free throws than our team in the fourth quarter, and that makes it tough." Oh, come on Brad. That's a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think? Kobe only had 12 free throws in the fourth. It's not like this was Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals or anything. Sheesh. Bryant finished the game with 34 points and Pau Gasol chipped in another 31 to the Lakers' cause. Kevin Martin and Ron Artest each scored 23 for Sacramento.

Kobe Won't Stop Looking At DWade

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who freaking slept through the Mavs/Spurs game but then woke up for the Heat/Lakers game and therefore wants you to please, please kill him. When he isn't begging for death, he can be found seeking it out at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• Tim Duncan + Doing Everything = Success. Gregg Popovich stunned the basketball world last night by revealing his complex and intricate formula for winning games: Tim Duncan. "Offense, the ball goes through him. On defense, he's our defender, our rebounder. At home he's our wife. On the road, he's a classy and well-paid prostitute. He's just really special. We don't get anything done without him." Speaking of stunning, Dallas coach Avery Johnson benched Jason Kidd — the point guard and playmaker for whom the team traded away its very future — for the final 30 seconds, then watched Dirk Nowitzki choke down a couple jumpers and Jason Terry get his shot blocked by Bruce Bowen in the closing seconds. Game over: San Antonio 97, Dallas 94. After the game, Kidd tried to pretend he was all okay with it. "They've been together down the stretch. I understand what play they're looking for, so I'm over here cheering for my guys to knock down a two or three." Yeah, we'll see how long he keeps cheering if Avery continues to leave him on the bench during crunch time. The Mavs actually had a 10-point lead with 3:44 to go in the third quarter, then watched it disappear thanks to a 13-1 Spurs run that included two technical fouls called on Avery and Terry. Dallas needs to patent the fourth quarter collapse, they really do. Tim Duncan backboned the Spurs with 31 and 15. Dallas got 28 points from Dirk and 10 assists from Kidd.

The Clashing Of The Titanic Titans

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and who has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he's not screaming in soulless rage at the merciless Pagan gods, he can be found making fart jokes at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• The King versus The Black Mamba. In the grand tradition of Mothra versus Godzilla, Alien versus Predator and Screech versus Horshack, two NBA mega-superpowers collided yesterday. And the force of their mighty, slapping impact actually tore a hole in the Staples Center roof, letting in a steady flow of deadly water drips that delayed the game for 12 minutes near the end of the first quarter. Kobe Bryant slithered his way to 33 points, 12 rebounds and 6 assists, but he shot 4-for-15 in the second half (and only 1-for-7 in the fourth quarter). Lebron James, on the other hand, hit five of his seven fourth quarter shots - one of which was a sick fadeaway with Kobe right in his mug - and netted a majestic 41 points in the game to propel the Cavaliers to a big 98-95 win over the Lakers. James then went on an unstoppable rampage, stomping through Los Angeles and smashing the city into dust.

Today's Episode: Isiah Has An Epiphany

Skeets is off celebrating Christmas Eve the way that all Canadians do; pantsless and migrating with a herd of elk. So your NBA Closer today is being written by United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Alphonso Jackson. Do enjoy.

Two things one should know about Sundays game between the Lakers and Knicks at Madison Square Garden: Kobe Bryant scored his 20,000th point, and had to endure taunts from both Chris Rock and Spike Lee in order to do so. Yes, Chris Rock and Spike Lee were both in attendance, crossing the picket line to get in. That Knicks' boycott is going reeeeeeaaaal well. Bryant scored 39 points, becoming the youngest player in NBA history to reach 20,000, and the Lakers won 95-90.

And A Kidd Shall Lead Them

Please Give A Warm Forum Welcome To Day One Of The NBA Season

Welcome the return of your daily recap of NBA "action."

• They're Not Booing, They're Saying Koooobe. OK, they were booing. But Kobe Bryant did not let a little pregame negativity from the home fans effect the way he hogged the ball led the Lakers to almost-victory. Kobe scored 45 points, including 18 in the fourth quarter, but it wasn't enough as the Rockets prevailed 95-93. It was of course Rick Adelman's coaching debut, and while the Rockets looked confused at first, they eventually got their act together behind Shane Battier (tiebreaking 3-pointer with 2.5 seconds left) and Tracy McGrady (30 points). Overall impression: Kobe just looks like a guy who knows he could be traded at any minute. And Yao looks like a guy who could score 100 points if he suddenly woke up and realized he was 7-4.