"This is no laughing matter." Nope! Not at all! (She's fine, by the way. That's why it's funny.)

By the way, did you know Major League Soccer Lacrosse was founded by the Body By Jake guy? We had no idea.

The league has sought to make its dancers, music, marketing and logos "edgy" in a bid to connect with the 12- to 19-year-old demographic. The Mammoth have resorted to those tactics, too, making a range of eye-catching moves, including seating some fans in hot tubs beside women in bikinis.

Here's the one picture I was able to find of the hot tub in question...

It doesn't take an MBA to recognize brilliance... no matter what Shanoff may tell you. I'm just not sure I'm crazy about using women in bikinis to draw attention to your product. Surely I'd never partake in such nonsense.

Hot Tubs And Women In Bikinis Will Always Help Attendance [FanIQ]

Original Mammoth hot tub picture via Flickr

The LumberJax of the National Lacrosse League have achieved an unusual "first" in professional sports: The team owner is marrying a player. Angela Batinovich, majority owner of the second-year franchise, is engaged to Adam Bysouth, a player for the indoor team. "We kind of had to decide if this was going to be something we really wanted to try or if this was just something we needed to just end and not let it complicate our lives," Batinovich said. "And we decided we wanted to keep going."

I have no idea what that quote means, but here's to hoping that we see more of this kind of thing in professional sports! No, um, wait ...

Batinovich And Bysouth Married [NLL.com]

Team leaders said Kyle Hawkins was dismissed because of his job performance, not his sexual orientation. Hawkins recently completed his first season as head coach after publicly disclosing his homosexuality. The team finished with a 6-9 record, Hawkins' first losing season at the school. "We, as a team, did not feel coach Hawkins was the best man for the job," team president Andy Mackley said. "Sport is all we care about, not the sexuality of our coach, players and those associated with our team."

Among the concerns: dissatisfaction with his practice regimen and the coach's negative reputation outside the school. "Those are laughable," Hawkins said. "A week and a half before the meeting, they had sat in front of the ESPN cameras and said what a great coach I was."

Hawkins famously came out in a post on the Outsports message board in June of last year. It was some of his players, ironically, who wanted him removed.

Four of the players, all of them seniors this coming year, voiced concern to the administration and asked that Hawkins be removed as head coach of their team. One of the players' parents is the president of the Mizzou lacrosse parent booster club ... who wrote a letter to the university administration asking that Hawkins be removed as head lacrosse coach.

Missouri won the Big XII division of the Great Rivers Lacrosse Conference in 2006, and Hawkins had a 127-58 career record at the school. At Missouri lacrosse is a club sport, making it about as high profile as the Worlds of Warcraft Club, and just slightly more athletic. So one would think that if the school had a successful coach, it would do everything in its power to hold on to him. One would think.

Maybe there's an opening on Tony Dungy's staff.

Gay Lacrosse Coach Let Go At Missouri After Nine Seasons [USA Today]
Openly Gay Kyle Hawkins Faces Fire And Finds Support At Missouri [Outsports]

We have always been amused by lacrosse, which is America's oldest sport and tends to put us in the mind of butterfly collecting. It is also the only sanctioned activity in which it is legal to poke your opponent repeatedly with a stick. But we also knew that the pro version was missing one key ingredient: Drunken, loutish fans. Well, as you can see, problem solved.

The Rochester Nighthawks are your new National Lacrosse League champions, after Sunday's 13-11 triumph over the Arizona Sting. This was not lost on hundreds of Nighthawk fans who gathered around televisions to watch their team finally win the big one. Of course, the game was supposed to be played at Rochester, but had to be moved to Glendale, Ariz.

"It's unfortunate they couldn't have had the game here, but we're more than thrilled," said Nathan Ferguson, 29, of Gates. "It has been 10 years since they won. This is awesome!" Like many fans, he was disappointed that a scheduling conflict prevented the game from being at Blue Cross Arena at the Community War Memorial. Rochester had earned home-floor advantage, but the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus was already booked.

This happened to the Super Bowl once, didn't it?

Nighthawks Soar To NLL Title [Rochester Democrat & Chronicle]
NCAA Lacrosse Quarterfinals Will Have A Different Look [USA Today]

To anyone who has followed the case over the last few months, this is no surprise, and for anyone who knows the publicity-ready Nifong, the fact that the news broke the Friday before Christmas isn't much of a surprise either. Frankly, as far as we're concerned, the earlier this case gets out of everyone's lives, the better.

Long timers: Where's Tal4Prezz when we need him?

Nifong Drops Case [WRAL]

What I've tried to do behind the scenes is say, 'We're with you. We'll see what happens, and whatever happened if you did it, you should be punished.' Giving support does not mean you're choosing sides. Giving support is what a university should do ... because we're in the kid business.

Yes, you can almost smell the graham cracker being dipped into the milk. By the way, nothing in the interview about this, in case you were wondering.

So you know, though: We're in the kid business.

Coach K Breaks Silence On Duke Lacrosse Case [MSNBC]
Does Redick Have Bigger Worries Than The DUI? [Deadspin]

Todd Munson is a Deadspin reader who lives in Los Angeles and — like all good sons — went home to see his mother yesterday, in Omaha, Neb. When he was walking down Dodge Street, the main Omaha drag, he noticed the word "WHORE" on a sign hanging from the pedestrian bridge just above.

He looked closer, and he realized it was one man's lonely protest against the accuser of several Duke lacrosse players. The sign said: "JAIL THE DURHAM WHORE. DUKE LACROSSE POWER." We'll let Munson take it from there.

"I tried to keep a little distance between myself and the guy fearing that he might eat me, but he got all excited like crazy folks do when they think they've made a new fan. I didn't catch his name but chances are it was either Larry or Carl. He said he was out the day before and some liberal fags jumped him and tore down his signs but he was back again today because he lives in America goddammit.

He said he'd been out since one. It was six when we saw him and he said he was going to be there for another hour and he'd really appreciate it if I could support his cause by bringing him a beer. Pretty much made my trip back home worthwhile."

If you needed any more proof that cable news is making the world decidedly more stupid, here it is.

(UPDATE: By the way, they've indicted another player in the case.)

We've grown so tired of this case; no one knows anything about what happened that night, so everyone just relies on the same news reports that everyone is simultanously decrying. But it will be interesting and instructive to see if the case continues with the same fervor now that the election issue is behind us. We hope so. We really hope so.

We send you back to your regularly scheduled fun programming now.

Nifong Wins Primary [News & Observer]
Duke And Cover [Slate]

In case you've missed it, a Ohio high school lacrosse coach is under investigation for assault on one of his players. Did he punch the kid in an overheated practice? Did he grab him around the neck and mock-choke him, Knight-style?

No, no, nothing so ribald ... he simply held the kid down while his older teammates stuck their fingers in his ass.

Really. From The Columbus Dispatch: "One coach then held a player down while another, wearing a black glove, inserted his hand into the player's boxer shorts. The boy was screaming, 'Get the (expletive) off of me, leave me alone,' the report says. The event took 20 to 30 seconds, the report says. Players described their teammate as having a 'shocked look, ghostly white face.' But attorney Karl Schneider, who represents Pentz, said the reports are embellished. 'It's horseplay. It's guys being guys.'"

Yes. That is exactly what it is. Who hasn't done a little casual fisting among their boys? Right? Right? Who's with us? Hello?

More Freaky Bizarre LaCross Action [The Mighty MJD]
Coach Blames Players For Police Investigation [Columbus Dispatch]

We always forget that Bilas is, in fact, a practicing lawyer, for Moore & Van Allen in Charlotte. His bio page is right here, and it has this great morsel: Representative Cases: Lyons Partnership v. Morris Costumes, Inc., et al. (N.C. Superior Court). Successfully defended costume shop against trademark-copyright action brought by owners of children's television character Barney. "

Not only is Bilas a successful analyst, an accomplished lawyer and actor in Dolph Lundgren movies, he's also against Barney. What's not to love?

Jay S. Bilas [Moore & Van Allen]
"I Come In Peace" [Blogcritics]
Switched At Birth [Deadspin]

Darren Rovell reported yesterday that Duke lacrosse merchandise is selling like crazy. We're kind of at a loss here, so maybe you can help us figure this out. Just who is buying this stuff? We realize no Duke player has been convicted of anything, but this all strikes us as a little weird.

By the way, just so you can have today's sobering update in the real case:

• NBC has photos that may or may not show the accused smiling or not smiling or whatever, it's all kind of impossible to tell anything.
• The Durham Herald-Sun has checked out the whole "they were in a cab at the time of the allege rape" story and can't find any cab companies in Durham that remember them. The local ABC station begs to differ.

Demand For Duke Lacrosse Gear Soars [ESPN]
Duke Lacrosse Accused Turn Themselves In [Deadspin]

This is, finally, the beginning of the story, and the culmination of district attorney Mike Nifong's insistance all along that, lack of DNA evidence aside, a rape had occurred. It's worth noting, by the way, that the two players are not the ones the accuser named in the initial police report.

So, looks like a trial's coming, though probably not until the end of this year. But now the chatter goes away, and the story really begins.

Two Duke Lacrosse Players Are Arrested And Charged In Rape Case [New York Times]
Duke Lacrosse Police Report [The Smoking Gun]

(UPDATE: CNN is reporting that defense lawyers say neither Seligmann nor Finnerty were even in house at the time the rape allegedly occurred, though there have been no details as of yet.)

The reaction has been relatively muted from the community, with some residents minimizing the importance of the evidence and some activist blogs, including Justice4twosisters remarking, somewhat sheepishly, "I don't feel a need to apologize for supporting someone who couldn't defend herself, and bringing light to a case, were the races reversed, surely would have been front-page news March 14, 2006. (And the team members in jail as we speak). And I will not. Those of you looking for it, sorry to disappoint you. This site was started to support this young lady, not nurture my ego."

It is perhaps instructive to remember what initially sparked so much outrage in the first place (and media outlets, like us, to print the Duke lacrosse player roster). When the district attorney — who still insists a rape occurred — asked for cooperation from the team as to what happened, the team closed ranks and gave no information or help. This was the district attorney, attempting to investigate an alleged crime, receiving no assistance from potential witnesses, either to refute or affirm allegations. Putting aside issues of class, race or anything else, that was the element of the story that tipped it from disgust to outrage. No matter what happened that night, even if it was nothing, that was what inspired the initial public reaction.

If no rape occurred, of course, this is something that should inspire joy rather than shame from those who protested on the Duke campus; a world in which one less rape occurs is better than one in which it did. The University continues to encourage patience with the investigation. We assume that everyone else, on every side, does the same.

Lawyers Claims DNA Tests Show Duke Players Innocent [The Herald Sun]
Statement From John F. Burness On Release Of DNA Samples [Duke.edu]

The straw that broke the back? The email that The Smoking Gun uncovered earlier today. Duke President Richard H. Brodhead minced no words in a statement:

The court released today a previously sealed warrant, whose contents are sickening and repulsive. I have canceled the men's lacrosse season and all associated activities, effective immediately. Lacrosse Coach Mike Pressler has submitted his resignation to Athletics Director Joe Alleva, effective immediately. ...

I once again urge anyone with information pertinent to the events of March 13 to cooperate with the authorities.

Probably, all told, a few days overdue. Obviously, a lot more on this to come.

Statement on Release of Sealed Warrant and Cancellation of Men's Lacrosse Season from Duke University President Richard H. Brodhead [Duke.edu]

From The Smoking Gun today:

Shortly after an exotic dancer claimed she was raped at a Duke University lacrosse team party, a member of the squad sent an e-mail announcing that the following night he planned "to have some strippers over" and would be "killing the bitches" as soon as they walked into his dorm room.

The actual email, which can be found here, was sent within an hour of the woman who accused team members of rape left the house.

This, of course, is no evidence of a crime, and these are still all just allegations without any proof, confessions or direct implications of anyone individually. (The player who sent the email is not one of the three players the woman accused of raping her.) But regardless of anything directly case-related: Good Lord.

Duke Rape Case E-mail Shocker [The Smoking Gun]

• Everyone is still awaiting the players' DNA test results, but the Durham Attorney General says not to expect any results this week.
• The Duke student newspaper reported that several Duke lacrosse players were loudly drinking and carousing in a campus bar two weeks after the incident.
• Apparently there are some inconsistencies involving some 911 calls from that night/
• The players' lawyer insists DNA tests will eventually clear the players.
• It's starting to be pretty dangerous for anyone who might have seemingly ever met a lacrosse player.

Just facts here, from now on. For all kinds of updates on this, faster than we can bring them to you, we highly suggest checking out Inside Lacrosse.

Updates On Duke Rape Case [Inside Lacrosse]

A letter was sent to Duke students from Larry Moneta, the Vice President for Students affairs, making students aware of the threat of a drive-by shooting of the infamous lacrosse house. Some excerpts from the letter:

I write to inform you of a rumor I've just learned. I don't have a way of validating the credibility of the rumor as it came to us third hand from the Durham Police to various members of the Duke community. What we've heard is threats of "drive by shooting" of the lacrosse house in the Trinity Park area.

I share this information with great discomfort. I neither want to create any sense of hysteria for the Duke and Trinity Park communities nor withhold the existence of this information. We've spoken with several of the students who live in those houses and many have chosen to stay elsewhere tonight.

So, yes, it's a third-hand rumor, but you may want to run like hell for your life. Just something to think about. But yeah, if you stay, you could get shot.

What an ugly situation. I'm guessing that these are not big sellers right now.

Big thanks to John Hubert at Duke for sending this in. The full letter is available after the jump.

Dear students,

I write to inform you of a rumor I've just learned. I don't have a way of validating the credibility of the rumor as it came to us third hand from the Durham Police to various members of the Duke community. What we've heard is threats of "drive by shooting" of the lacrosse house in the Trinity Park area. As of the time I write this (approximately 9pm), we are aware of a gang-related shooting that took place this afternoon on Sedgefield Street in Walltown (several blocks from Trinity Park). We are assured by Durham Police that this is not related to Duke in any way. We also have a report that passengers in a car yelled at Duke students in houses on Buchanen Street.

I share this information with great discomfort. I neither want to create any sense of hysteria for the Duke and Trinity Park communities nor withhold the existence of this information. We've spoken with several of the students who live in those houses and many have chosen to stay elsewhere tonight.

Duke and Durham Police have substantially increased patrol coverage of the area including Trinity Park, Ninth Street and East Campus. That coverage will remain in place for as long as necessary. I would suggest that until we have information to discredit or validate this rumor, we all take appropriate precautions.

Unfortunately, tensions are very high right now and may not abate for awhile. I would anticipate further rumors and conflicting information and we'll do our very best to keep you informed. Most important will be to care for each other as we all struggle with these challenges. We have work to do to restore confidence in our community and I have absolute belief that we can and will.

Please contact Duke Police *anytime* if you feel threatened or have information related to any unsafe situations. Call 911 or 684-2444 for immediate support.

Larry Moneta
Vice President for Student Affairs

"I've been watching the coverage of the Duke situation, and they are painting the sport with a pretty wide brush," said Blumbergs, a native of New York. "What appears to have happened at Duke is pretty awful. But you hear a lot about 'privledged, white lacrosse players,' and 'rowdy, drunken lacrosse players,' and having played the sport myself I can tell you that lacrosse is no different from any other sport at the college level. This is a case of student-athelete irresponsibilty at a high-profile university, and as such of course it's going to be in the spotlight. But it could have happened with any sport, and has. And it has nothing to do with race or economics."

Blumbergs grew up in upstate New York, playing lacrosse in high school and at Brockport State. "I grew up in a town of 5,000 people, and we were anything but rich," he said. "We were just a bunch of farm boys, but we had probably the best lacrosse program in the nation for a school our size." Blumbergs' Woodside High School team, which he has been coaching for four years, is made up pretty much equally of Latino, African-American and white players. Many of them came to the sport through youth leagues; nearby Palo Alto, home to Stanford University, has one of the largest youth lacrosse club programs in the state. The east Bay (Oakland area) and San Jose also are considered lacrosse hotbeds. It is, by all accounts, the fastest-growing sport in the nation.

Anyway, just a note to try and keep things in perspective; to point out that lacrosse players are people too. Kids fall in love with it just as they do with baseball, football and hockey; it is, after all, America's first sport. Worth keeping in mind.

Duke Lacrosse Team On the Brink [Deadspin]
LaxPower

The invaluable public servants at The Smoking Gun has found a copy of the search warrant North Carolina cops grabbed to investigate the house where the rape allegedly occurred. It includes the original police report, and we'll warn you: It's rather brutal. It also lists three people the woman is accusing of the crime by first name.

By the way, the Associated Press has found 15 players on the team had prior offenses, though none rose above the level of Drunken College Students. The team's captains released a statement yesterday saying the allegations were "totally and transparently false." And the police wait on DNA tests as protests, and fury, grows, not just in Durham, but around the country.

North Carolina Police Search Warrant [The Smoking Gun]
Fifteen Players Had Priors [Journal Now]

She pressed charges, but no members of the team have come forward. It is to the University's credit that they took immediate action: Cancelling the team's upcoming games and demanding that each player take a DNA test, since the players have stonewalled all authorities.

Inside Lacrosse has been all over this story — not that it really matters, but Duke had the No. 2 lacrosse team in the country — and even pointed us to an interview with the victim. So far, members of the team have remained silent in solidarity, but officials vow to break the stalemate. It is perhaps not surprising that team is remaining so silent; the party was hosted in a house rented to the team's three captains.

GoDuke.com has taken down the roster page for the team. We feel it's important to know who these people are, so the names are after the jump.

Dancer Gives Details Of Ordeal [News&Observer]
Statement by Duke University President Richard H. Brodhead On Men's Lacrosse Team [GoDuke.com]
Inside Lacrosse
Empire Strikes Back [Happy Toilet]

(UPDATE: A blog called Justice 4 Two Sisters has been started to make sure the public stays aware of this case.)

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--
38 Breck Archer MIDFIELDER 6-0 190 Jr. Sea Cliff, N.Y. (Taft)

31 Bo Carrington MIDFIELDER 6-4 220 So. Charlottesville, Va. (Covenant School)

37 Casey Carroll DEFENSE 6-2 180 Jr. Baldwin, N.Y. (Baldwin)

29 Mike Catalino MIDFIELDER 6-0 200 Fr. Webster, N.Y. (Webster Schroeder)

17 Tom Clute DEFENSE 6-1 190 Fr. Potomac, Md. (Bullis)

46 Kevin Coleman DEFENSE 6-2 185 Sr. Ridgewood, N.J. (Delbarton)

19 Josh Coveleski ATTACK 6-4 205 So. Dover, Del. (Ceasar Rodney)

22 Ned Crotty MIDFIELDER 6-1 180 Fr. New Vernon, N.J. (Delbarton)

40 Matt Danowski ATTACK 6-0 190 Jr. Farmingdale, N.Y. (Farmingdale)

8 Ed Douglas MIDFIELDER 6-2 170 Sr. Baltimore, Md. (Gilman)

15 Kyle Dowd MIDFIELDER 5-9 175 Sr. E. Northport, N.Y. (Northport)

6 David Evans DEFENSE 5-10 190 Sr. Bethesda, Md. (Landon)

13 Collin Finnerty ATTACK 6-3 175 So. Garden City, N.Y. (Chiminade)

12 Dan Flannery ATTACK 5-11 190 Sr. Garden City, N.Y. (Garden City)

7 Gibbs Fogarty ATTACK 5-10 175 Fr. Chevy Chase, Md. (Landon)

25 Zack Greer ATTACK 6-2 185 So. Whitby, Ontario (All Saints Catholic)

23 Erik Henkelman DEFENSE 5-10 175 Sr. Swathmore, Pa. (Episcopal)

49 Jay Jennison DEFENSE 6-4 205 So. Richmond, Va. (St. Christopher's)

26 Ben Koesterer MIDFIELDER 6-1 195 So. Cazenovia, N.Y. (Cazenovia)

11 Fred Krom MIDFIELDER 5-10 185 Jr. Summit, N.J. (Delbarton)

1 Peter Lamade MIDFIELDER 5-9 180 Jr. Chevy Chase, Md. (Landon)

36 Adam Langley ATTACK 5-9 165 So. Glenview, Il. (Glenbrook South)

2 Chris Loftus ATTACK 5-8 160 So. Syosset, N.Y. (Syosset)

4 Dan Loftus GOALIE 5-9 160 Jr. Syosset, N.Y. (Syosset)

34 Kevin Mayer DEFENSE 6-0 185 So. Great Falls, Va. (Potomac School)

44 Tony McDevitt DEFENSE 6-0 205 Jr. Philadelphia, Pa. (Penn Charter)

41 Ryan McFadyen DEFENSE 6-6 225 So. Mendham, N.J. (Delbarton)

42 Glenn Nick DEFENSE 6-1 190 Sr. Garden City, N.Y. (Garden City)

77 Nick O'Hara DEFENSE 5-10 190 Jr. Orachard Park, N.Y. (Orchard Park)

28 Dan Oppedisano MIDFIELDER 5-11 195 Jr. Garden City, N.J. (Garden City)

32 Sam Payton MIDFIELDER 5-11 185 Fr. Cos Cob, Conn. (Brunswick)

18 Brad Ross MIDFIELDER 6-0 190 So. Darnestown, Md. (Bullis)

5 KJ Sauer MIDFIELDER 6-1 190 Sr. East Rockaway, N.Y. (Lynbrook)

20 Steve Schoeffel MIDFIELDER 5-8 165 Fr. Charlottesville, Va. (Covenant)

30 Rob Schroeder GOALIE 6-0 210 So. Summit, N.J. (Summit)

45 Reade Seligmann MIDFIELDER 6-1 215 So. Essex Fells, N.J. (Delbarton)

50 Devon Sherwood GOALIE 5-10 160 Fr. Freeport, N.Y. (Baldwin)

47 Dan Theodoridis DEFENSE 6-1 205 Fr. Norwalk, Conn. (Norwalk)

24 Bret Thompson MIDFIELDER 6-0 185 Sr. Chevy Chase, Md. (Georgetown Prep)

3 Chris Tkac DEFENSE 6-0 185 Fr. Gaithersburg, Md. (Landon)

14 John Walsh MIDFIELDER 5-11 190 Jr. Bethesda, Md. (Landon)

9 Michael Ward MIDFIELDER 6-0 195 Jr. Setauket, N.Y. (Ward Melville)

48 Rob Wellington MIDFIELDER 6-3 200 So. Dallas, Texas (Highland Park)

21 Matt Wilson MIDFIELDER 6-0 185 Jr. Durham, N.C. (Durham Academy)

43 William Wolcott DEFENSE 6-0 190 Sr. Dallas, Texas (St. Mark's)

27 Michael Young MIDFIELDER 6-0 180 So. Manhasset, N.Y. (Chaminade)

10 Matt Zash MIDFIELDER 5-11 190 Sr. Massapequa, N.Y. (Massapequa)

LACROSSE: How to explain this sport? Think of a cross between ice hockey, soccer and, um, butterfly collecting. America's real national pastime, lacrosse was first played by the Oneida Iroquois more than 500 years ago. And, coincidentally, it also strongly resembles America's second-oldest sport — chasing squirrels with a rake. A game played on a football-sized field where players are required to use helmets and run in comical circles, it is the only sanctioned sport where rules allow you to poke your opponent with a stick. And in the women's version, there is no out-of-bounds. I personally have seen women's lacrosse players wandering downtown, claiming they were in the middle of a match. Common terms in lacrosse are "crease," "middies" and "God Damn it, that hurts!" The lacrosse ball, you see, resembles a racquetball, but is solid rubber and can become a deadly missile if thrown properly. Here's to you, lacrosse! After watching two entire matches in person, I still have no idea what your rules are.

Chat With Quint Kessenich! [ESPN.com]
Black List [The Black Table]