So we get a big gold cup, and we get to fill it with any damn thing we want to. Landon Donovan's wine coolers are going to taste particularly fruity tonight, being sipped out of our special new cup.

Donovan was spectacular through the whole tournament, and scored again today against Mexico. And with the win, not only we get the big up made of gold, but we get to play in the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup, which is more prestigious and has a better field, so we'll probably get killed.

But that's okay, it still feels good to beat Mexico. I don't think there are any sorts left where they can beat us, unless you could bullfighting as a sport. Not a lot of great American bullfighters out there. Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson should definitely attempt to master it in their newfound free time.

USA wins Gold Cup final [Soccerway]

Why are we scared? Because as a nation we have a desperate need to feel superior to the vibrant barbarian culture that's replaced us as top global ass-kicker.

Face it, feeling superior to Americans is about all we've got left. But the list of things we actually do better than the Yanks is slim and getting slimmer. Did you know that the bastards even brew decent beer these days?

I assume he's talking about Coors Light, and yes ... Pete Coors is to beer what Landon Donovan is to soccer. I don't think there's any way to dispute that.

Wells also believes that our soccer fans are really sweet people.

Witness the fact that soccer-playing America is massively liberal, loving, caring, socially conscious and nice. While soccer-hating America consists of increasingly isolated gangs of Bush-supporting, bible-bashing, gun-crazed, dungaree wearing, banjo-playing, quasi-fascist chicken-lovers and their twelve fingered, pin-headed, cyclopic, drooling monster children.

And Jim Rome. Let's not forget Jim Rome.

Americans are soccer-savvy ... and that scares little Englanders [Guardian Unlimited]

"I'd probably become a better soccer player just from the day-in, day-out grind of it there," said Donovan, who has been the dominant player in the U.S. league since returning to the Galaxy from a sub-par World Cup performance in July.

"But I wouldn't be a better person. I wouldn't be a happy person. I'd be pretty miserable," added the man who has called food in Europe "crappy." He once said that while playing in Europe he missed American hamburgers, the beach, sun and women.

You see, when other sports athletes come here, we call them "soft" until proven otherwise. Yet then our guy does this. Nevertheless, we support Donovan's desire to ply his trade in the good ole U.S. of A. Not only do we have better food (and FREEDOM!), but it's a lot less stressful to play in front 8,000 people.

There's A Reason Why Some Call Him Landycakes [The Offside]