Civilization is imperiled. Demonic dark-skinned criminals exult in seizing property and security. Only a vanguard of brave uniformed officers can take them off the streets and restore order. It is 1835, and whites are finally confronting what Mark Twain will soon call "the satanic brotherhood of the Thugs."
Your bare-chested speed demon is one Andrew Sercu from Columbia, Mo., who is charged with domestic violence and resisting arrest. After a brief standoff, Sercu sprinted from his home but didn't get very far.