David Stern insists with robotic regularity that his ballers are the "best athletes in the world". (Sometimes, when he's feeling particularly saucy, he goes with "most extraordinarily gifted".)

Apparently he's been doing this for awhile:

"Messrs. Jordan, Johnson, Bird, et al., made it clear that the NBA really does have — as Commissioner David Stern so often claims — "the best athletes in the world."

That, in an article about the original Dream Team. Written in 1992. Jesus, at least the man's on message!

In the past few weeks alone, though, several players have gotten this idea implanted a little too deeply in their minds. First Big Baby Davis informed the world that upon reaching NBA All-Star status he would like to return to football, although he did not "have a specific position in mind in the NFL."

Then LeBron James, a All-Ohio wide receiver in his youth, mused that "If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good, no matter what team I was on."

NFL players were skeptical. As Jeremy Shockey made the case on his Twitter :

If anyone was up to the task, I guess, it would be LeBron, modern marvel of mankind. No less an authority than former Cleveland Brown coach Eric Mangini even invited him to "come on down" before undermining that "he'd probably be good at baseball or soccer or swimming." Hmm. Two out of three ain't bad! And he's got this going for him, which is nice:

As for Rondo, this isn't the first time he has demonstrated a high regard for his speed. Last year he needled noted fast person Usain Bolt, informing him that the two would meet in 2012. This time, he set his sights slightly lower: Chris Johnson ran a 4.24 forty at the NFL Combine, the fastest recorded combine time ever.

So does Rondo have a chance to win the $2k purse? Probably not. The Sporting News' Bethlehem Shoals broke down the duel and, using complicated math equations, concluded that Rondo's forty time would clock in at something like a 5.15. That wouldn't even beat LeBron!

But with Johnson's recent counter that he could beat Rondo in a game of one-on-one, this is shaping up to be the most exciting competitive cross-pollination since Shaquille O'Neal challenged luminaries like Misty May-Treanor and Oscar de la Hoya in their native sports.

Stern can't be too happy: so far Shaq is 0-5.

This is Katie Baker, btw.

Video of the argument, and the dancing that precipitated it, is here and there on the Web:

The moves James was throwing down on the sideline of the Q — which, a LeBron scholar of my acquaintance tells me, can be partially blamed on the bad influence of teammate Danny Green, "known for dancing horribly at UNC" — bear more than a striking resemblance to the recently notorious dance craze known as "jerking." Urban Dictionary notes that it looks pretty much like "what happens when a bboying move, kickstep, goes completely wrong, mutated, dysfunctional, and looks utterly like shit." It even has its own theme song, courtesy of the California duo the New Boyz!

If the PA types at the United Center don't serenade James with this track come March 19, I will have lost maybe a little bit of faith in sporting arenas' musical-cue honchos everywhere.

This is Maura, btw.

LeBron James and Joakim Noah fight about dancing [Sun-Times]

Stern fired his first shot back in February, when he used the old "AIG is failing, you better sleep with me tonight baby" line. When that didn't get any traction, Stern agreed to a little sitdown where he waxed feminist. The money shot is pretty tepid — Thomsen asked Stern about the possibility of women playing in the NBA within the decade, and Stern answered "I think we might... I don't want to get into all kinds of arguments with players and coaches about the likelihood. But I really think it's a good possibility." You have to admire the double-edged possibility — an entire league of lady scabs, or simply leveraging the old canard that women make only 70 cents on the dollar for the same work as men. (Is this where I'm supposed to work in a joke about babes playing on the rag?)

Apparently the NBA Players' Association isn't going get too exercised about this until Stern starts talking about the athletic prowess of the Mexicans who do his lawn. ("Ten years?" LeBron James said of Stern's prediction. "That's, like, right around the corner. [In] 10 years, I'll be 34. I'll still be in the NBA. I think 10 years is pushing it, honestly.") That or they are consumed by the labor needed to rehabilitate Ron Artest's image (and I mean full time — look at that URL).

This is 99, btw.

Weekly Countdown: A woman's place could soon be in the NBA [SI]

And he'll petition the rest of the league to do likewise:

"He can't get the logo, and if he can't, something has to be done. I feel like no NBA player should wear 23. I'm starting a petition, and I've got to get everyone in the NBA to sign it. Now, if I'm not going to wear No. 23, then nobody else should be able to wear it."

[...]

"If you see 23, you think about Michael Jordan," James said. "You see game-winning shots, you think about Michael Jordan; you see guys fly through the air, you think about Michael Jordan; you see fly kicks, you think about Michael Jordan. He did so much, it has to be recognized, and not just by putting him in the Hall of Fame."

LeBron says he'll wear No. 6 in homage to Dr. J, the day of his first child's birth, the month of his second child's birth, his own Olympics jersey and the total number of people in America who do not yet own any LeBron James-related merchandise.

LeBron James planning to give up No. 23 out of respect for Michael Jordan, urges others to do same [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
LeBron James Plans to Change Number, Asks Others To Do Same For Michael Jordan [The Baseline]

•Bosh won a suit against a cybersquatter, and gained control of 800 domain names. On a related note, welcome to Boshspin.

•Our top story this morning: In a preseason loss to the Celtics, Chris Bosh led all scorers with 21 points in just 28 minutes. He also added four boards and three assists, and is clearly primed for an MVP-caliber season.

•In non-Chris Bosh news, Michael Vick reportedly declined an invitation to visit with eight of his former pit bulls. Good move. I know a trap when I see one.

•Stafon Johnson appeared healthy and smiling, but didn't speak at a press conference yesterday. He's a walking metaphor for the Trojans: looks good, but falls silent under the spotlight.

•On the eve of the NLCS, Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is separating from his wife. California is a community state, so the former Mrs. McCourt is entitled to exactly half. She will receive two losses to the Phillies.

•Boise State squeaked past Tulsa, probably the team with the best chance at ending the Broncos' undefeated season. And when you read that, you realize just how relative it is and why the BCS is a joke.

•Well, fuck it, if he can't heal himself, how can he be the Chosen One? LeBron has the flu, and he and the team is being tested for H1N1.

•Want to know how the young season is going for the Maple Leafs? Their defensemen are headbutting in own goals:

•Despite MLB.com's merchandise on offer (thanks to reader Nathan for the screencap), the Twins won the right to get swept by the Yankees. If you want more details, I think Dash is still liveblogging the game.

•Shaq and LeBron looked good together in their first game, but call me after Shaq has 80 games on that odometer. And it's not a preseason game. Against the Bobcats.

•At least Miguel Cabrera's drinking led to a humorous police report in addition to what you've already read. In August, Cabrera "taunted an overweight 15-year-old boy" and had to be escorted out.

•A vendor died of a heart attack while servicing the coffeemaker in the Dodger Stadium press box yesterday, which can't bode well for the team. Or at least the media members who want coffee.

•It's Brett Favre news, but don't stop reading. The gunslinger was named the league's most overrated player in an unscientific poll of his peers.

•The Brooklyn Fishing Derby is being held this month, and it's a real thing. So that means the most likely catch, an empty can of StarKist, will not count.

•Courtesy of reader Jeffrey, we have a camerawoman getting a little too caught up in the excitement of the Twins' victory:

Club promoter Edward Givens filed a police report stating that he was given a black eye outside a Cleveland nightclub last night. The suspect's name was not given in the report, but Givens had no problem telling the Cleveland Plain Dealer that it was Edwards—and also that Givens' face was merely a proxy for Braylon's jealousy of mutual acquaintence LeBron.

Here's Givens' side of the story:

"After the club closed, I was outside greeting and saying goodbye to people. Braylon comes up and started saying things, degrading me. He said if it wasn't for LeBron or the Four Horsemen, I wouldn't have what I have, nor would I be able to get girls. Everyone knows Braylon has a problem with LeBron. So I had to speak up for myself. The conversation started to escalate. As some of his teammates started to pull him back, he punched me. I have a black eye and a cut. I'm not a violent guy.

"As long as I've known Braylon, I've allowed him and his friends to come into our events free of charge. Whatever jealousy he has with LeBron, he felt he needed to take it out on me."

Edwards—obviously amped up after his zero catch performance against the Bengals—then allegedly got involved in another disturbance that police had to break up, although it appears that he was not arrested for either incident. The whole story is a nice little capper to the Browns 0-4 start and Braylon's anti-LeBron violence can only further endear him to already swooning populace of northern Ohio. I believe that earlier in the evening he also sent a text to Bob Feller telling him to "get bent."

Cleveland man accuses Browns Braylon Edwards of assault [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

UPDATE: Lebron responds, calls Edwards "childish." [ESPN]

UPDATE 2: Braylon (maybe?) responds: "I have no issue with LeBron. I respect and admire him." [Twitter]

Yes, Mr. Bissinger has bravely decided that it's time to jump in the mud pit for some good ol' fashioned rapid-fire conversation with anonymous angry folk. Obviously, he truly believes in this book.

Chat starts at 3 p.m. Please be on your very best behavior and try to conduct yourselves with a certain level of decency. Do have fun, though.

This should be...enlightening.

Ninjas be watchin', yo.

•Jorge Posada? More like Jorge Pissedoffa, amirite? The Yanks' catcher sparks a bench-clearing brawl with the Blue Jays. Pitcher Jesse Carlson suffered a pretty nasty head wound, making this the worst day of casualties in the history of Canadian wars.

•Bills scapegoat Leodis McKelvin woke up to find painted on his lawn: "learn to take a knee, [obscenity]" As of press time it was still there, since while trying to bring the paint thinner out from the garage, he dropped it.

•They say pitchers are never the same after they come back from shoulder fatigue. In the case of Dice-K, they're right; he looked nothing like the pitcher he was before the injury. He was actually good.

•Was Kim Clijsters cheating by having that baby? Studies show that mothers have higher pain thresholds, and better oxygen flow to the muscles. It's one competitive advantage Caster Semenya will never have.

•Roger Goodell says two Saints won't be suspended as long as the courts are still considering the cases of the Vikings who tested positive for the same banned substance. So, NFLers, now's the time to take whatever you want, and not get punished it. Kind of like always.

•Golden State's Stephen Jackson was fined $25,000 by the league for saying he'd like to be traded to Cleveland, New York, or one of the Texas teams. That's the standard $15k fine for publicly wishing to be traded, and $10k for actually wanting to go to the Knicks.

•Finally, Jon Stewart attempts to lure LeBron James to New York with the promise of Shake Shack. Well, the custard is just as likely to pass him the ball as Nate Robinson.

•Halfway through a wholly unexciting opening night, Troy Polamalu sprained his MCL and could miss 3-to-6 weeks. Steeler fans' humility, however, is listed as doubtful and is expected to report to your office this morning to brag about the game.

•The lawyer for Ben Roethlisberger's accuser says he could ask for a list of all of Big Ben's sexual partners. If just one native Pittsburgh girl is on that list, I'll lose all respect for him.

•Would it shock you to learn that Manny Ramirez has no recollection of ever playing with Jim Thome, his teammate of eight seasons? Well, prepare to be not shocked.

•The Daily News passes along the rumor that Cablevision will offer LeBron James his own TV channel if he joins the Knicks. I know I've used the buddy-cop-show joke before, but I would pay good money to see him fight crime with Darko.

•Two missed practices, and Richard Seymour is nowhere in sight. Still, this is Oakland, so maybe he was just carjacked.

•A judge has raised the possibility that neither Jim Balsillie nor the league will be allowed to purchase the Coyotes. A suggestion: disgraced Predators owner Boots Del Biaggio, in lieu of jail time, be sentenced to buy the Coyotes.

•Maya Angelou gives her predictions for the NFL season, in poem! Obviously it's not really her. But it's a sight better than Gregg Easterbrook's horrible haikus.

•Finally, though my feelings on poker can be summed up as "not a sport," this is the most amazing read you'll ever see:

The visualization of the inside of Sarah Palin's mind: "Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me - sports... basketball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I'm doing that - keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities - smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball - for victory." This is what that looks like.

Matthew Stafford, No. 1 pick extraordinaire, sure is having fun on his summer break.

Hey, more Detroit Lions! Who wants to re-live 16 losses in a row? Someone!

Before we witnessed the letdown of LeBrondunkgate, we were led to believe that the throwdown was "as good as it could've been hyped up to be." Insert Zapruder witticism here.

And then TMZ pays $3,000 for the tape before we put out a $10k bounty. Thanks for saving us some cash.

In a meltdown of epic proportions — even for Mad Dog's standards — Christopher Russo admits he needs to find a staff of little Mad Dogs, not little Bow-Wows: "We are the Washington Nationals. Check that: We are the Washington Generals." If only they knew something about the cast of Gone With The Wind.

How athletes are spending their summer vacations: the gallery version. This, folks, is intrepid journalism.

A woman files a civil suit against Ben Roethlisberger, alleging that he sexually assaulted her. ESPN sits on the story for 36 hours.

On July 4, Steve McNair is found shot to death in a Nashville apartment.

If you're reading this, you already know.

But then, LeBron James is kingly, and we know how people react around royalty. They try to auction off eight scrapbooks stuffed with keepsakes from his high school career: laminated newspaper clippings, e-mails to the Akron Beacon Journal begging for more King James coverage, scraggly joints from a local hotel room.

A quarter of a million buckaroos does sound like some serious cash, especially in this economy, especially for a set of scrapbooks. Even the auctioneer understands. Trust him. This is a collectible for the grandchildren. After all, they won't know what a newspaper looks like.

ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION. "IF ONE OF THESE EXISTED COVERING MICHAEL JORDAN, BILL RUSSEL, LARRY BIRD, OR KAREEM JABBAR, WHAT WOULD IT BE WORTH?"

Fair point, but it's also worth it for the soon-to-be owner to secure some insurance on the scrapbooks while he's at it. You never know when one of LeBron's handlers will try to confiscate them.

8 LEBRON JAMES SCRAPBOOKS VERY UNIQUE COLLECTION [eBay]
Fan selling eight LeBron James scrapbooks for $250K [Steady Burn]

And, awesomely, Buzz Bissinger is involved. Reports the Associated Press:

LeBron James struggled with sudden fame after appearing on Sports Illustrated's cover as a 17-year-old and admits he smoked marijuana during his junior year in high school.

In "Shooting Stars," written by James and co-author Buzz Bissinger, James said the SI cover and the media attention he and his high school teammates received was difficult to handle.

"We had become big-headed jerks, me in particular," James said, "and we are to blame for that, but so are adults who treated us that way and then sat back and smugly watched the self-destruction."

James also revealed he and his teammates smoked marijuana one night after getting access to a hotel room in Akron.

It's a little parable, you see. He "struggled" with fame and as a result indulged in a harmless and all but legal drug that has been used by roughly a hundred million Americans. It'd be like saying LeBron struggled with fame and as a result indulged in a bacon cheeseburger, except that bacon cheeseburgers are not actually harmless. This is not a story. This wouldn't be a story if LeBron rolled a joint as big as a horse's leg and smoked all of Humboldt County out of business. Yet somehow this is deemed newsworthy, not just by the Associated Press, but by an organization so allegedly holy that it won't cover a woman's rape accusations against a famous NFL quarterback. This is yet more wincingly stupid news judgment, and once again we're all witnesses.

James admits pot use in book [ESPN]

Turns out eBaum merely found an entrepreneurial videographer with a steadier hand. In an e-mail, Mike Parker, who works in the content department at eBaum, writes:

We did purchase the video, for an undisclosed amount, from a local cameraman who travels to different basketball camps across the country. The deal has been in the works for a week or 2 now, and with the TMZ announcement we obviously wanted to seal the deal ASAP.

He adds that TMZ was tipped that eBaum had a copy, too, which probably explains why TMZ's much-hyped 6:45 p.m. screening was bumped up a few hours, despite its original excitably punctuated announcement.

Jordan Crawford Dunks On LeBron James [eBaum Nation]