How To Hard-Boil Eggs, For Godly Or Ungodly Purposes

Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly) (I mean, we are talking about boiled eggs, and we are gonna have to calibrate our "interesting" scale pretty generously here), hard-boiled eggs, when made properly, receive a much softer boiling than soft-boiled eggs. The "-boiled" is what confuses things: It makes you think that… » 4/19/14 1:09pm Yesterday 1:09pm

How To Grill A Flank Steak, The Steak For Socialists

We are Americans (no, not you, Canadians) (OK, you too, c'mon over here ya big galoots), and we like big hunks of steak*. To be precise, we like our own big hunks of steak: We like to saunter into Bob's House of Steak all bowlegged and gimlet-eyed like John Wayne and order for ourselves some great obscene wad of… » 4/12/14 1:32pm 4/12/14 1:32pm

Never Buy New Sneakers In March. Never.

These are my new shoes. I have had them for, oh, a little longer than a week. They are muddy shit, now. I tell myself that I will clean them later, but we all know that even if that does happen—even if I do not forget; even if I am not overwhelmed by the obvious futility of such an enterprise—"cleaning" will not restore… » 4/03/14 4:57pm 4/03/14 4:57pm

How To Fry Brussels Sprouts, And Learn To Love Them At Last

You think of Brussels sprouts and you think of misery. When you were a kid, some damn do-gooder grownup nuked a frozen bag of them in the microwave , and scooped a bunch of them onto your plate next to your delicious SpaghettiOs, and laid some bullshit on you about how eating them would make you grow up big and strong… » 3/29/14 1:59pm 3/29/14 1:59pm

Canned Beer Is The Best Beer

Although I've recently moved into an apartment with three ceiling fans, seven windows, and a bedroom door, I do not consider myself a wealthy man. But every Thursday, my wife comes into a little bit of money, and if I time the transaction just right, I can occasionally buy something useful before she blows it all on… » 3/28/14 4:12pm 3/28/14 4:12pm

How To Make Sausage Gravy, And Shave A Few Years Off Your Lifespan

Sausage gravy is deeply, deeply disreputable food. In its typical presentation, slopped across biscuits in some charmingly run-down roadside diner with Patsy Cline playing on the jukebox, it is, in essence, flour on flour, dressed up as actual sustenance by the inclusion of token quantities of butter and pork—which,… » 3/22/14 9:41am 3/22/14 9:41am

The Art Of The Insult: How To Win A Swearing Contest With Dignity

A few years ago, Joe Posnanski—formerly a Kansas City sportswriter, and today famous as a JoePa apologist—interviewed me about one of my books and posted my answers on his blog. He asked me whether, if I'd become a major league pitcher, I still would have become a writer. I emailed, "No. I would have continued becoming… » 3/17/14 1:39pm 3/17/14 1:39pm

How To Make Linguine With Clams And Bid Farewell To This Goddamn Winter

Groundhog meteorologists notwithstanding, seasons are shapeless, poorly defined things. To wit: Traditionally, in North America, the "winter" season is regarded as beginning at some point in the back half of December (the solstice) and extending into the back half of the following March (the equinox)—and yet, somehow,… » 3/15/14 1:00pm 3/15/14 1:00pm

Irish Beers, Ranked

St. Patrick's Day is tough on a civic-minded, humanist boozebag. I love New Year's Eve and Thanksgiving Morning and Arbor Weekend and all the other "amateur hours" that too many self-proclaimed sophisticates haughtily dismiss, but Paddy's Day comes soaked with complications beyond the rivers of glitter and puke that flow … » 3/14/14 3:00pm 3/14/14 3:00pm

Let's Try Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations, A Dessert-Flavored Dessert

Remember ice cream? Oh man, ice cream. There are so many wonderful things to remember about ice cream, but first and foremost—more than the carnival of flavors and colors; the various zany, luxurious toppings and swirls; the fun presentations (Sundae! Banana split! Ice cream cone! Ice cream cake! Root beer float!); the … » 3/08/14 1:00pm 3/08/14 1:00pm

Please Stop Glorifying Crummy Dive Bars

I live in Massachusetts, which is a proud but anxious state with liberal policies regarding who can get married or call his roast beef famous and very conservative rules concerning most other types of personal behavior. For example, it's a lot harder than you'd think to get a drink around here. » 3/07/14 3:00pm 3/07/14 3:00pm

How To Cook Sea Scallops Without Ruining Them: The Case Against Bacon

Step one is hiring a sinister shifty-eyed fellow with a pencil mustache to remove the bacon from your refrigerator and hide it somewhere in your home where you cannot find it. OK, so he does not have to have a pencil mustache. But it will be awesomer if he does. » 3/01/14 1:00pm 3/01/14 1:00pm

24 Light Beers, Ranked

Raise your hand if you're even fatter now than you were on New Year's Day. No, your other hand, the one that isn't strangling a donut. Oh, I see. Well, do you have a third hand? Never mind, the tear tracks carved through your powdered-sugar beard are affirmation enough. » 2/28/14 2:37pm 2/28/14 2:37pm

How To Prevent Your Spine From Turning To Mush

Hey, you! Mr. Spry Twenty-Five-Year-Old! Feeling pretty limber these days, eh? Going out and CRUSHING beers and playing campus golf and bending over to pick up entire crates of taco meat. Life's pretty swell for you! Well, I have fun news for you, sport. PAIN IS COMING. So much pain. One day, you will get out of bed,… » 2/21/14 2:19pm 2/21/14 2:19pm

How To Make A Simple Goddamn Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

Everywhere we are gussying up our grilled-cheese sandwiches. In fancy restaurants and home kitchens and delicatessens and those insufferable quasi-fast-food joints with the accented, ambiguously Euro names and the friggin' Ray LaMontagne music on the PA and the cutesy, bottled alterna-soda in the cooler—everywhere, the … » 2/15/14 1:00pm 2/15/14 1:00pm