11:00 — Well that's over. We had some laughs, learned the skills by which point guards are measured (by dribbling through mannequins), and saw two — TWO! — backboards on the same side of the court. What madness! Also Stan Lee is pissed that no NBA stars enjoy his comics.

I think we're done here. There's an hour of Valentine's Day left; don't be wasteful. Invest it wisely by ensuring the girl you're stalking doesn't hear you in her pantry. See you in the next live blog, whenever that is.

10:58 — Aw, I was hoping Robinson had a really high-pitched jockey-like voice. Maybe he should've sucked some helium before the interview.

10:58 — And the winner ... RUBEN STUDDARD! NATE ROBINSON!

10:57 — Cheryl Miller, ballbuster.

10:55 — The guy who always wears the cape tried to do the Julius Erving and instead pulled off the rare Bryant Reeves.

10:54 — I just texted my vote. I nominated "MUTE REGGIE." Like they say, you have to vote your conscience.

10:52 — LeBron James tonight gets one steal, taking the thunder from this competition by announcing his entrance into the 2010 competition. Just wait until Dwight Howard jumps over Scott Boras and Manny Ramirez holding up the jersey of the team he signed with.

10:50 — After Duh-wight's off-the-skinny-part-of-the-backboard slam, Little Robinson hops over his opponent. Well, most of his opponent. It looks like his junk hit the back of his head.

10:48 — Nathaniel Q. Robinson resurfaces with a green Knicks jersey. Nice to see they just took Stephon Marbury's salary and infused it into a uniform. What a pleasant, creative use of cap room!

10:46 — I love how in the "vote for this year's winner" graphic, they include a montage of dunks from, um, other years. Guess they didn't have anything good from this year.

10:42 — And he dunks the ball into the hoop, and people are ecstatic. Also, keep in mind ... same gag as last year. NBA: WHERE CREATIVITY HAPPENS.

10:40 — OMG A SECOND BACKBOARD. AND DOUBLE OMG, THE SAME CAPE HE USED LAST YEAR.

10:37 — Nate Robinson uses his teammate as a trampoline. The judges give him 9-8-8-8-8. Maybe the judges would be in better spirits if they didn't accidentally sit on the complimentary 20-ounces of Sprite that marketers put on their chairs.

10:37 — J.R. Smith solicited the help of NBA legend Sonny Weems (!?!) to pass him the ball from Section 102.

10:33 — Finally, Fernandez converts the behind-the-back-of-the-backboard pass. He gets only 42 points, because all of the judges really thought The Others was vastly overrated.

10:31 — Pau Gasol's passing isn't all that great. He should just dunk then pose with the slant-eye, like a good native son.

10:30 — If Fernandez really wants to bring the Spanish flava' into this competition, he should dunk the ball immediately after getting chased around by a bull.

10:26 — After numerous failed attempts, Ced Ceballos gave Duh-wight a ∞10. My calculator just broke. Kenny Smith has a problem with that dunk being scored 50. 48 would be just fine, though.

10:24 — You know you just want to put Nate Robinson in your pocket and carry him with you at all times.

10:22 — Rudy Fernandez takes his jersey off to reveal a "Martin #10 jersey." Nobody knows who he is except for Kevin Harlan, who PAID ATTENTION IN THE MEETING, who says it was in tribute to Fernando Martin.

10:21 — J.R. Smith begins with a "double bounce." HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE UNCREATIVE DUNK! 8 out of 10.

10:21 — [unmute] All right, let's see if the broadcasting's any b... [mutes]

10:18 — HOLD THE FUCK ON. It's now a rule that you have to have someone else assist you in a dunk? F'in beaurocrats.

10:17 — I was only off on the start of the dunk competition by about 140 minutes. Hey, people have won Price is Right contestants' row bids by undershooting far, far more than I have.

Not-Exactly-The-Halftime Video

The Japanese have seemed to surpass the Western hemisphere in many things. We can now throw in an automatic bartender machine. Now with fewer sad stories and funny accents!

10:02 — DEE-quan? DIE-quan? DAY-quan? Something off the board completely? Use fewer vowels, mothers.

10:00 — Ah, it's way more satisfying to watch Daequan Cook shoot 3-pointer after 3-pointer accompanied with Johannes Brahms music in the background. I feel enlightened.

9:59 — [mute]

9:58 — Daequan Cook also finishes strong and goes to 15. Bud Selig wishes both of them could win.

9:56 — "Kapwn3d" or "mentally Rasharded?" Lewis finished 15 points, one more than Kapono. Boy, when TNT said they knew drama, they weren't kiddin'.

9:54 — Oh no! Kapono only got 14 points in the final round! He is clearly not among the greats when it comes to 3-point All-Star shooting, such as ... um ... that one little white dude.

9:51 — God, imagine what Kenny Smith and Reggie Miller are saying now, when the camera isn't on. [shivers in fear]

9:49 — Dwyane Wade's eyeglasses brought to you by Opti-Twizzlers.

9:46 — Oh, heavenly Ra, stop bringing up anything, guys. CUT THEIR MICS. ALL OF THEM.

9:45 — Roger Mason, Jr. is the guy that ran Itchy & Scratchy Studios, right?

9:44 — Danny Granger gets eliminated. Reggie Miller deserves to have his mic cut off.

9:38 — These TNT guys realize that they are on TV and what they're saying is being picked up by their magic microphones and transmitted across the world, right? They are aware that this will not be tape delayed and dubbed over with insightful commentary, right?

9:35 — Crimony. Perhaps Kenny Smith and Reggie Miller should take this outside.

9:31 — Jason Kapono appears to be taking this competition seriously in the interview. Maybe Reggie Miller was right. Kapono's entire career is centered around this format.

9:29 — The 3-Point Contest. FINALLY, a contest the suburban family can get behind.

9:23 — "The NBA: Where caring happens." Aw, and here I was pretty sure apathy was the backbone of the first three quarters of most games.

9:16 — In the finals, Derrick Rose takes Devin Harris to the Schoolhouse Rock, the one where they sing a patriotic ditty about driving Indians from their homeland. ♬ Ohhh, Elbow Room, Ellll-bow Room ♬

9:14 — You put the time and effort into an obstacle course, and yet in no part of this challenge do you have to stick your hand up a giant nose to find the flag.

9:10 — Tony Parker finishes last in the skills comp. For Phoenix, this is almost as thrilling as, y'know, beating the Spurs in any playoff series.

9:07 — Wow! What exciting PASSES! Did you see how Mo Williams took the ball and threw it toward the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

8:59 — Time for the PlayStation Skills Challenge. Not what it sounds like, f'in n00bs.

8:57 — Now that that's out of the way, we can finally get to 30 minutes of scripted filler. Phew!

8:53 — Laimbeer would do well to ask Dan Majerle where he had his anti-aging surgery. Hint: it's the same guy who did Matthew Broderick, which, ironically enough, had he not had the surgery, he'd look like Bill Laimbeer. Circle of life.

8:52 — The Suns made their first five shots, then had about 30 seconds to nail that final shot and just couldn't do it. That sort of sums up every Phoenix Suns regular season in the last five years.

8:48 — Detroit finishes their second round at 58.4. They wasted a lot of time because, out of habit, they ran their halfcourt offense.

8:45 — San Antonio, as strange as it is, couldn't get Tim Duncan or David Robinson to make a half-court shot in enough time, so Phoenix wins! Wait ... there's another round?

8:44 — THREE POINT FIELD GOAL. DAAAAAAN MAAAAA (silent J) ERRRRRLLEEEEEEEE. Also, why did they pick Leandro Barbosa as the Suns representative? I didn't see a shot on the board where you drive to the basket, miss a layup, and have someone else tip in the rebound.

8:38 — Michael Cooper hits the long shot for the Lakers. The lesson here is that the league's old, old men? They still got it.

8:36 — And Laimbeer knocks down the almost-half-court shot. He should have fouled someone as he walked off the court.

8:35 — My, Bill Laimbeer's shoulders have not aged well.

8:33 — The Shooting Stars competitors are announced. Robert Blake appears to be a late scratch.

8:26 — You can send a text message of who you think will win the slam dunk competition! Because of the sheer volume of votes they expect, they fired the 15-year-old girl in charge of handling the texts and hired a 13-year-old girl. This is serious shit here.

8:24 — Oh, I just had a bag of pretzels that were stale and flavorless. I give them an 8 out of 10.

8:19 — Oh, sideline lampoonery! Cheryl Miller razzes her little brother Reggie on him never dunking. Wait ... OH MY GOD, THEY'RE SIBLINGS?

8:16 — This is either proof that the NBA isn't fixed, or proof that the NBA doesn't want you to think it's fixed: the NBA Finals MVP trophy is now named after Bill Russell. Had they done this a year earlier, it would have raised too many flags.

8:12 — Well blow me down (and run a red light). Charles Barkley was just in a T-Mobile ad. And it involves him at a restaurant. Why wouldn't it?

8:10 — Oh, hell, this is the entire skills competition. All right, screw it, we're going to watch that instead.

8:06 — The TNT announcing crew has already fixed the H.O.R.S.E game for next year. Funny, I didn't hear they're going to bring in Rick Reilly to broadcast it.

Pre-"Game" Babble

So, holy shit, in TNT's lead-in to the contest, they just aired a video game dramatization of what dunks could look like in 10 years. They had LeBron James dunk after jumping from the 3-point line, Dwight Howard throwing down a double-windmill, Nate Robinson dunking twice in a row, and Vince Carter dunking over the entire French region of Alsace doing a 720° jam. They then had past legends asked if any of these were possible. What do you think, Kevin Garnett? That's like asking if anyone, in real life, could collect 100 1-Ups in World 3-1 of the original Super Mario Bros. Personally, I think it is possible in real life, provided that reality exists solely in Chris Andersen's mind.

It doesn't matter how many twists they take or how many Wilt Chamberlain groupies they can leap over, because every dunk will be rated between "ten" and "almost ten." Since I just bought the entire series of The Critic on DVD, let me sum up the dunk rating process in one IMDB-stolen quote:

Duke Phillips: Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
Jay Sherman: I'm a critic.
Duke Phillips: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to "excellent".
Jay Sherman: What if I don't like them?
Duke Phillips: That's what "good" is for.

So get your Shermometer out, write Sprite on your favorite pep poster and lower your rim down to 7 feet, so you too can re-enact Dwight Howard slamming it down in a full Furry ensemble.

Fourth Quarter

10:16 — So ... wow. I got nothin' left to say. It's been two straight years of teams I don't care about, but two fan-freakin'-tastic finishes. I'd better duck out of here before one of the Actual Editors makes another post, rendering this one outdated and passé. There. I'm done. Fantastic game. I might even consider buying gold and then selling it to CASH4GOLD just because of the exemplary work displayed by McMahon and Hammer tonight. Thanks for playing alone, gang. See everyone for the next mostly-important sporting event.

10:12 — My friend says that she doesn't think Santonio Holmes's right toe ever touched the ground on that touchdown. Really? I didn't think there was any dispute on that, but I'm sure we'll all be hearing about it in the coming days with conspiracy theories and "get over it" mantras from both sides. It'll be fantastic!

10:11 — If I knew how to text message, I'd probably give the MVP to James Harrison. Think about it ... without his play, the Cardinals win. Then again, without any one of those touchdowns, Arizona wins. Without Jeff Reed's field goal and PATs, Arizona wins. But James Harrison had the best individual play of the game, so I say he wins.

10:10 — And the Gatorade color prop bet ... YELLOW.

10:08 — So this is great. The ruling is that Warner fumbled the ball, but if they review it, then ... no, they're not going to review it. Steelers win their sixth. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SEEING WHAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE HAPPEN IN FOOTBALL? YES!

10:07 — A pass in the middle to Arrington, and there's the final timeout. But look, they've got much better field position and the desperation throw in the end zone isn't of a Colorado-Kordell Stewart length.

10:05 — And heeeere weee gooo the other way ... Fitzgerald hauls in a decent catch, and with 22 seconds left, AZ calls their second timeout.

10:05 — Michaels mutters something about needing a huge return. And .. an average return by Arrington.

10:00 — Oh, so THERE'S your Wheaties box. Holmes toes the sideline with both feet. That's a legit catch. Touchdown Stillers. BUT WILL THE REVIEW oh come on, there's no way that wasn't a touchdown. Get out of the peep show booth, McAulay.

23 27

9:59 — First down ... RIGHT through Holmes' arms. That would have been a Wheaties box cover had he snagged that.

9:58 — That's all of PIttsburgh's timeouts. 49 seconds left.

9:57 — WOW. Holmes runs down the sideline, finds a seam inside, and it's first and goal.

9:56 — Large Ben scrambles but doesn't scramble far. [Witty pun involving breakfast scrambles] Steelers call timeout and there's 1:02 left.

9:55 — Nate Washington makes another first down, but he is brought down in bounds. They're at midfield.

9:55 — Cardinals blitz, Pittsburgh blocks 'em all, and Holmes catches the first.

9:53 — Roethlisberger throws one more down the field that's batted away before the two-minute warning.

9:52 — 2003 MAC Championship phantom nightmares again. Holy shit, Roethlisberger is covered in Crisco.

9:51 — Why not start the drive with a holding call? Sounds apt.

9:49 — So it appears that this Larry Fitzgerald man is a fine wide receiver, but ... CAN HE DANCE?

9:48 — !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 20

Let's just throw this last factoid out of the way before we get to the important shit:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL MMMXXXVII — The HondaTown (formerly Detroit) Lions, three thousand years after becoming the first (and still only) team to lose 16 games in a regular NFL season, win the franchise's first Super Bowl. Quarterback-droid ORLOVSKY ran a series of computer applications that displayed on his side monitor, "IF LIONS(X) > OTHERTEAM(X), THEN GO TO DISNEYWORLD." The Lions were finally able to break through after every other NFL franchise sent the majority of their resources to fight the second 500-year robot war. Wide receiver-droid CALVIN was fined by the NFL for celebrating a touchdown by loading a game of FreeCell in his auxiliary mainframe.

9:44 — Of COURSE they converted the first down. You can just tell this will ... wait, holding in the end zone? Jesus flag-waving Christ, they're starting to use Terrible Towels for penalty calling now. That'll be a safety and a ... wait, any other penalties they want to call? Maybe they should do a legal uniform pants check and assess some 5-yarders.

16 20

9:43 — Wow, I'm sure everyone not wearing a Pittsburgh #39 jersey thought that was a safety ... but they're ruling Parker escaped out of the end zone. 3rd and 10.

9:42 — It's 1st and 99 to go for Pittsburgh. Seems inevitable that the Steelers get a first down somehow.

9:41 — Penalty on James Harrison ... or MMA tryout tape?

9:39 — Incomplete on 3rd and 20. Probably not a wise choice for victory conditions. Time to punt.

9:37 — We were due for an Arizona penalty. It's been so long.

9:36 — Huge play to Steve Breaston. Remember when the Cardinals were mathematically eliminated from this game? That was two Clydesdale commercials ago!

9:35 — Ike Taylor lays down some illegal swagger on Anquan Boldin after the first down, so that's about a total of 25 yards in the Arizonan direction.

• Pepsi Max/MacGruber — I thought Hulu was the sole place where they dumped their crappy SNL skits. I was misinformed.

9:32 — Silly quarterback, throwing the checkdown to Heath Miller. He can't block for himself! (Or can he? Madden?) So they punt and Arizona has five and a half minutes — PLENTY of time — to take the lead.

9:31 — Darnell Dockett wants you to text his name for MVP. He records his second sackle of the night.

• Hulu — Eh, now that the entire country knows about the website, it is no longer cool to watch. Especially since they took down their free copy of The Big Lebowski.

9:28 — Please vote for your Super Bowl MVP now. NownownownowNOW. Now, back to the eight minutes left in the game that will decide the winner.

9:25 — Well, look at that. The jump ball for Larry Fitzgerald makes this game suddenly worth watching. Quick pan to Fitzgerald's dad, who is not impressed. Oh, what does your son have to do to win your journalistic affection?

14 20

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL XXXVI — The New England Patriots defeat the St. Louis Rams, becoming the first expansion team to win the Super Bowl. Patriots fans are elated that they "finally have an NFL team" and "expect to win a championship every year," until such a time at which the Patriots stop winning Super Bowls and Boston reverts back to "really more of a baseball town."

9:21 — Fitzgerald validates the last two weeks of feature stories about him with his second catch of the night. (And his third.)

9:20 — Hey, J.J. Arrington. I think I remember that guy. First and ten inside the 30-yard line.

• Coke Zero and Troy Polamalu — Ah, parody. Had he thrown the guy's pants and not his shirt, I give them a better rating.

• Cash4Gold.com — Ed McMahon and MC Hammer in the same commercial? Are you guys fucking kidding me? For a gold consolidation commercial? I'm sorry, but YOU GUYS WIN THE AWARD! THAT WAS AMAZING!!!

9:16 — Darnell Dockett finally grabs Ben Roethlisberger like a bag of tortilla chips and throws him to the ground like a bag of light tortilla chips. The punt return goes about zero yards, since Steve Breaston was immediately tackled like a bag of lime potato chips.

9:13 —Defensive holding? Maybe there's time for me to make a bingo card strictly for penalties that Arizona has committed tonight. (Seriously. They RAN OVER THE FUCKING HOLDER. I have never seen that.)

9:10 — And there's the punt, and it's fairly short, giving the Steelers a short field. Anyone have any chicken wings left?

9:08 — Really? A first down for the Cardinals without a holding call? Well, if they say so, then I guess it'll stand as ... ah, there's the flag.

9:07 — Did they run out of new commercials? Please say yes.

Third Quarter

9:04 — Riveting stuff about Kurt Warner wearing gloves, as opposed to not wearing gloves, which dates back to whenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:03 — Arizona's got the ball again, and they still need two touchdowns. Probably time for another:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL VII — Not at all foreboding the comically dangerous play that would occur at the end of the game, during halftime Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian successfully constructs the entire board game Mouse Trap without any issues or spills. He left the locker room forgetting to take his bucket full of water from the top shelf, which hovered above a power outlet of frayed wires and a picture of his beloved black cat. No one was injured.

• Coca-Cola — Ha! Ha! Insects can't have caffeine.

9:00 — Something something football. But first, these sponsors.

• Careerbuilder.com — That one really pulled out all the stops. Did ... did I see a koala with glasses and a cup of coffee getting punched? All right, boys, you get a nine. Hats off.

8:57 — And they force a much shorter field goal. This time, they'll instruct their special teamers not to treat holders like trampolines. Reed's field goal makes it 20-7, like it should've been all along.

7 20

8:56 — Did you see that ball leave Antrel Rolle's hands? That was Arizona's next-to-last chance at making this game interesting.

8:53 — Jeff Reed kicks the field goal. Add three points to the ah, ha, just kidding. Roughing the holder on the Cardinals. (Roughing the holder?) First and goal.

8:51 — After that block, Heath Miller drops the pass. But he made that great block two players earlier, so it's OK.

8:50 — Willie Parker runs far to the right, giving John Madden the perfect opportunity to compliment a tight end. (Like he needs an excuse to.)

8:48 — Hell, I'll say it again, because I'm out of pride at this point: Slant-onio! LOL!!

8:47 — Every once in a while, I have phantom flashbacks of Ben Roethlisberger avoiding rushing Bowling Green Falcons linebackers in the 2003 MAC Championship. I just had one as Roethlisberger danced around the pocket, threw the ball out of bounds, and drew the roughing penalty. MAKE IT STOP.

8:44 — That's a 15-yard penalty on Rodgers-Cromartie-Howard-Fine-Howard.

8:43 — Did the Cardinals punt? It looked like the Cardinals punted during The Rock's movie ad.

8:43 — Look, there's Cuba Gooding, Jr. He was in a movie that mentioned the Arizona Cardinals. And look, the Arizona Cardinals!

8:42 — We've gotten to the point in the ads where Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stars in a kids thriller. Probably time for:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL I — With a new trophy and a new championship game, engravers accidentally etch Green Bay Packers' coach Vince Lombardi's name not in the designated "winning coaches" spot, but in the "name of trophy" space. Nobody corrected this engraving error and is still there to this day.

8:40 — We just dropped in to tell you it was a forward pass. Now, back to the ads.

• Coca-Cola — You know, I've never tried to pick up a girl by offering a soft drink. Something tells me it doesn't work anymore.

• Denny's And Martin Scorsese — OMG FREE DENNY'S ON TUESDAY. There's probably a catch. Ah ... it's Denny's.

• Monster.com Trophy Animal — Well done, job website.

8:35 — So this is how the second half is going to last. Warner's throw turns out to be a fumbled ball, and it lands in the hands of a Steelers defender. That's another turnover. I can see another challenge flag in the short-term future.

8:33 — So, Edgerrin James is gonna up 'n put the team on their shoulders, it looks like. That's two first downs he's gained this quarter.

8:29 — How will Arizona put that play out of their mind? With this, probably.

8:26 — I gotta say, that was a fun halftime show. Sure, some of the post-boob shows have been a little dull, but they've all been better than the "how many pop stars can we fit onto one stage and sing one coherent song" efforts of the early 2000s. One man or one band is the way to go. Although, every time I think of Bruce Springsteen I can't help but think of this clip:

Halftime Entertainment Video In Which Bruce Springsteen Choreography Might Improve The Quality Of Dancing

Because it's the Super Bowl, this probably needs to be seen.

Second Quarter

7:55 — McAulay also gives it to him. It looked like Harrison's knee landed in the warm, receiving hamstring of Fitzgerald's lower half, enabling him to tumble into the end zone. That was probably the worst thing that could happen to the Cardinals at the end of the half. Actually, the worst thing that could happen would be for the touchdown to count, and have to watch that Audi commercial on loop for halftime.

7:55 — So, even if that doesn't count as a touchdown, I'm going to go ahead and rate that runback regardless:

7:51 — I ... should ... probably ... stop ... typing shit. James Harrison was the INT-TD creator, and holy crap, that man made about five tremendous moves to evade the Cardinals "defense." I guess they didn't look at Fitzgerald's ability as a receiver-turned-safety. BUT MAYBE IT'S NOT SEVEN POINTS.

7:49 — Well, the first and goal is set up with 18 seconds left. If nothing else, Arizona looks to have ended the first half at least tied. Check that, there is still a great chance for an interception-TD. But Matt Leinart's on the sideline.

7:48 — Two weeks of Larry Fitzgerald culminates to a two-minute drill first down pass. His dad must be so proud. I wonder where he is right now...

• Cheetos — Taking down the talkative rich girl down a peg or three. Throwing Cheetos to her feet worked, but so would've a positive pregnancy test. Hey, we all have our own methods.

7:45 — Nice of Warner to try and throw an interception, but the task fails. Tim Hightower accidentally grabs the flat pass and mistakenly runs for a first down. This is not what it says in the script should happen.

• HR Block And Death — I'm probably going to rate this higher than Tom Daschle will.

• Teleflora — Wow, it took a hell of a long time to get that commercial from the unknown entity. Salesgenie must've gone out of business.

7:41 — Rut-roh. Roethlisberger was tipped at the line and Karlos Dansby grabs the Pop Warner-difficulty interception.

• Pixar's Up! — That's one way to get rid of the kids-on-the-lawn moral quandary. Just leave the lawn. (no rating)

• Bud Light/Skiing — I'm probably going to rate this higher than the Kennedy family will.

7:38 — Another penalty on the punt. Crimony, if penalties were commercials for movie flops, Terry McAulay could buy the Raiders from Al Davis. Right, Mort?

7:37 — Edgerrin James cunningly drops the 3rd and 22 pass. Totally fooled the defense. With three minutes left, it's time to punt.

• Hyundai — Oh, I'll keep saying it Hun-DIE.

• E*TRADE Baby Gets A Black Friend — Hmm. Must be Sweeps Week.

• Well, That's A First — A commercial previewing the commercials of the second half.

7:34 — 3rd and 22. That seems far.

7:32 — Chopblock penalty on the Cardinals. Madden: "He can block, he can even chop, but ..." And that, people, is why you keep John Madden doing the Super Bowl until he can no longer speak.

7:31 — Steve Breaston gives Michigan alums a reason not to shoot themselves with a very solid return. (There are still 739 reasons in the "pro-shoot" column, unfortunately.)

7:30 — Well, they tried it with Mewelde Moore, but I think I knew he played for the Steelers. Maybe.

7:28 — An impressive 3rd and 12 conversion is wiped from our minds by offensive holding. DO IT AGAIN, THIS TIME FROM A LONGER DISTANCE. (They probably will. With another running back.)

7:27 — Another impressive pass breakup by Rodgers-Cromartie-Day-Lewis.

7:25 — Pittsburgh has the ball now, and Roethlisberger checks down to running back Carey Davis. So, did I just fall asleep for four years and they just got a bunch of new tailbacks? If I see Reuben Droughns get a carry, I'm going to be very upset.

• cars.com And That Child Prodigy — Aw, man, that one had so much hope to be fantastic. "He buys his cars on our website, and you can, too!" Lamejuice.

• Gatorade And What Do Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning And That One Autistic Kid Who Played Basketball Have In Common? ELECTROLYTES, MOTHERFUCKERS!

7:21 — Ben Patrick jumps up and grabs the touchdown. Gentlemen, it's the game of TDs caught by people I've never heard of.

7 10

7:20 — So hey, there's that long pass. Anquan Boldin was so wide open, it would have taken him five seconds to punch his offensive coordinator. First and goal at the two.

7:20 — Y'know, we haven't had two plays separated with three commercials. I'm starting to lose my rhythm.

7:19 — Ah, holding penalties are just excuses to attempt more passing plays. 1st and 20.

7:18 — Edgerrin runs. BAD. Edgerrin catches the pass. GOOD!

7:15 — Pass to Edgerrin. Pass to Edgerrin. A running game is for bull queers.

7:15 — Fantastic shot of Matt Leinart on the sideline and what appeared to be listening to his iPod. Love it.

7:14 — Oh, the Cardinals get the ball on offense too? I was not aware of this.

• Another Goddamn Clydesdale Commercial — And, sadly, this one was actually kinda cute. God, I hate horses.

• Another Sci-Fi Movie — Way to say the movie for those that get our movie trailers by sound, assholes. (no rating)

• Pepsi Max Feat. A Lot Of Head Wounds — Hey, works for me.

• Pedigree — An ostrich for a pet! WHAT KIND OF WACKY SITUATION IS THIS!?!?!

• Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial — I never understood why the Clydesdale is the best kind of horse. Is that a breed? Is that just a ... the hell is it? I ask this finally, into our 43rd Super Bowl, as a legitimate question.

7:08 — Gary Russell scores the first touchdown of the game. That was a 12-1 return, for those with money problems.

0 10

• Land Of The Lost Movie — Everyone will be saying "Matt Lauer can eat it!" tomorrow at work. (no rating)

• Doritos — Um, some money was falling, the police turned into a chimp, and a guy got hit by a bus. Man, I hate these Belgian docudramas.

• GoDaddy.com — Oh, those SCANDALOUS domain registrars!

7:04 — Heath Miller, again, with the ball! And a little bit of shovepushery ensues, with Hines Ward coming out of the fight cloud.

'Tween Quarter Commercials

• Bridgestone Tires And The Potato Heads — Ha! The lips came off the woman! Don't you wish your wife was like that? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee standing up.

• Fast And The Furious XLIII, Feat. Vin Diesel's Torso — It's nice to see Vin Diesel's torso take this job to show his range. (no rating)

• Castrol And The Grease Monkeys — Didn't they open for Pearl Jam in 1996?

First Quarter

7:00 — More like Slant-onio Holmes! [awaits high five] Another first and goal for Pittsburgh.

6:59 — Fine, I'll say it. Heath Miller is being a ball hog.

6:57 — Wow, after a false start almost put a beam in the ass of that drive, Roethlisberger runs the exact pattern of a Wendy's order waiting line, and chucks a first down.

6:55 — Holy hell. The Pride of The Tiffin Dragons, Nate Washington, had that touchdown, but the ball was tipped out of the stratosphere by defensive back Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie-Griffith-Joyner.

6:54 — Santonio Holmes runs wild and free like a little kid who just got out of Sunday school. First down Steelers.

• Conan O'Brien and Bud Light — Now we need to see if Andy Richter can match it.

• Some Comedy Movie That is Keeping Michael Cera From Doing The Arrested Development Film. Also starring the guy that Bruce Willis killed in "The Jackal" (no rating)

• Some Car Commercial — Wow, that didn't even try to try.

6:50 — Al Michaels clarifies that Ike Taylor didn't actually go to Swagger University, that it's just more of a state of mind. Oh, Ike Taylor! You establishment-railer! At least I think it was Ike Taylor. But the point is, 3rd and 17 is no way to go through the Super Bowl, and the 'Zonans punt it forth. MORE COMMERCIALS PLEASE.

6:49 — They probably didn't mean to hand the ball off to the ground there.

6:47 — And they convert the first down! Except, well, holding. But the first down counts, so it's just 1st and 20. (Really?)

6:46 — Arizona starts with the ball in the very-average twentysomething range. Edgerrin James goes about as far as Roethlisberger did, and a pass sets up a third and short.

• Incredibly Long Pepsi Commercial — Well, it was fun, and I guess if John Belushi were alive today, he'd approve, then go back to his heroin nap.

• Doritos/Crystal Ball We have violence against vending machines and crotch pain for an executive-type person. We have a clubhouse leader.

6:42 — Oh my. They spotted him short, and we have our first four-point swing of the year. Seahawks fans probably need a change of pants at this point. Jeff Reed dongs in the first field goal of the game.

0 3

Bud Light: So they throw a guy out of an office building, swivel chair and all. Nice. Not great, but nice.

Some Da Vinci Code Sequel: Feh. (no rating)

Incredibly Long, Drawn-Out Car Commercial For An Audi We get it, you have an incredibly large advertising budget.

6:38 — 49 states agree: Ben Roethlisberger definitively runs the ball into the endzone for the first touchdown. BUT PERHAPS SEATTLE WAS RIGHT. Ken Whisenhunt throws the red flag and it's time for commercials.

6:37 — Gary Russell probably wasn't the way to go on first down. But Parker got the yardage back on second.

6:35 — Huh. NBC showed the play clock run to zero, and five seconds later the Steelers snapped the ball. Did the White House audio guy get demoted to on-screen play clock resetter? Roethlisberger throws it to Heath Miller for a super short first and goal.

6:34 — William Q. Parker runs immediately for another nine yards.

6:33 — Well, except for the part where they kept a 10-yard halo around Hines Ward, Arizona guarded that 2nd down pretty well. Pittsburgh moves the ball to about the Cardinals 35-yard line.

6:32 — And the kicker starts off the game with the first tackle. Someone just won $40,000 on that prop bet.

Pre-Game Telecast

6:30 — Blah yaddy blah, Kurt Warner grocery store storyline, and ... hey, hey, HEY. We haven't kicked off yet.

6:29 — Arizona wins the coin toss. You gotta admit, America is safer for having General Petraeus toss heads.

6:28 — Nice to see Jeff Reed wear his Guy Fieri costume for the game.

6:26 — Men now converge at midfield to enact the world's largest lightbulb-related joke: how many football players, league officials and celebrities does it take to flip a coin? (Q: Roger Goodell, how many NFL officials does it take to change a light bulb? A: We'll look at that in the offseason.)

6:22 — And Jennifer Hudson successfully joins a long list of singers who will be known first and foremost as people who sang the national anthem before Super Bowls.

6:18 — Look, it's the US Air 1549 crew, who was rewarded for working probably the shortest flight since the Wright Brothers. Oh, well, at least they waved, but I'd have liked to have heard from them. "Iiiiiif ... you'll look to your left you'll see the first 9-7 team in a Super Bowl since the late '70s. Just let us know if there's anything you can do to make your Super Bowl more comfortable. We know you have a choice in sports entertainment and we thank you for choosing Super Bowl XLIII." They never consult me on these things.

6:16 — Wait, how can Faith Hill be there in Tampa singing "America The Beautiful" and, minutes earlier, in that NBC virtual studio jamming up the pre-game song? They must have a private plane for her.

6:15 — Kurt Warner wins the Walter Peyton Award. But c'mon ... they only did that because he was there. That, or for his charity work.

6:10 — And HERE COME THE TWO TEAMS. [cheering] So, remember when they individually announced the starting lineups and then the Patriots decided to, seemingly at the 11th hour, to be introduced as a team? Well the team that was so brazen as to single out their stars was that 2001 Rams team, featuring Kurt Warner. And to think, that was the last time the Super Bowl coverage found room so shorten up something in the pre-game to make room for more commercials. So touching.

Pre-Game Babble

Now that NBC has fired whoever was in charge of audio during that White House interview, we can all enjoy a little football. The actual live blog starts whenever I feel like it, so get off my back! Also, there will be brief looks at the commercials and, like last year, I will rate them on a conventional scale of zero (Carlos Mencia) to ten (duck riding a monkey riding a unicycle colliding into Carlos Mencia).

Also, stay tuned throughout the live blog as I look back into some of the more memorable moments of other Super Bowls in a feature known as Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable. For the title, I was paid per word.

Finally, before this bastard begins, I would dutifully wish my right pancreas to see either Matt Leinart and/or Byron Leftwich to have to play some or most of this game. Especially Leftwich. Then we'd have an uplifting story about the first human being without motor skills to play in a Super Bowl game. Seriously, his 40 time throughout the years has been charted not with numbers, but with "yes" and "no."

Fourth Quarter

6:23 — All right then, I'm just gonna walk around in circles saying "wow" for about two weeks, but I'll see everyone in two weeks, right here, for the Super Bowl live blog. For the commenters, I'll see you all much sooner the first second I get a chance at slacking off from work.

6:21 — They've probably had that "We Are The Champions" song in their PA system for about 25 years, and finally got the right to push PLAY on it.

6:20 — THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD. THE BAND IS ON THE ... oh, "intercepted." And ... good God almighty, the Arizona Cardinals are a Super Bowl team.

6:19 — Well, how's about 93 yards in nine seconds? IT SEEMS POSSIBLE.

6:17 — Eep. Fourth down, and it all comes down to a punt return. If the Cardinals punter so much as kicks it in the same zip code as the returner, expect him to be waived.

6:16 — The last team, by the way, to play in the Super Bowl that went 9-7 in the regular season was the 1979 Rams. Expect that team to get calls from the Associated Press and have insight gleaned from them on what this Cardinals team is going through, since, y'know, they must know exactly what it's like for them.

6:12 — And ... I do believe I just heard my new editor scream in terror, and my old editor scream like a joyous belle.

6:09 — It's the two-minute warning, otherwise known as the Eagles' last chance at not losing another NFC Championship game. 4th and 10 yards that must look almost as long as, like, 26 yards.

6:09 — Crucial third down and .. what? We're not instructed to watch any shows on Fox?

6:06 — Celek hauls in the first down, and a checkdown to Westbrook gives the down marker guys more work, setting up another first down, just like the other one.

6:05 — Hell of a catch by Jackson on the sideline. (Remember, Jackson is hella skilled when catching the ball. It's just holding onto it near the end zone that gives him troubles.)

6:00 — Jehovah in a mason jar, that was probably the gutsiest screen pass in Arizona Cardinals history. Tim Hightower just barely fell into the end zone, and the 2-point toss to whats-his-face turns this back into a seven-point lead.

25 32

Wait, 32-25? What the hell kind of football score is that? Did we suddenly start playing by CFL rules?

5:58 — Yep, we're almost under three minutes to go. This suddenly became a game of who-has-it-last-wins. Although, maybe somebody shouldn't have given David Akers a Frank Caliendo CD before the game, because his Mike Vanderjagt impersonation for the last three quarters has been bang on.

5:56 — I'm not suggesting what the Arizona offense should do ... but there's probably too much time to do this, although with four minutes left, just run down as much clock as you can and kick a field goal. Well, Hightower just ran for a first down, setting up first and goal, so they're going to have to score this bitch for seven points. I'll shut up now.

5:56 — This just in (holds hand to ear): Larry Fitzgerald is good at catching footballs.

5:55 — Did ... Did Anquan Boldin just chew out his OC on the sidelines? Yeah, that'll go over well.

5:54 — It's an important football game, but what's more important is to have an in-game commercial for a new FOX crime drama. But see ... this lead character is just a misunderstood genius. It's not like the rest!

5:53 — Berman me: Tim "All Along The" Hightower finishes what he started on third down and the drive continues.

5:52 — After a couple solid chain-movin' plays, it's now 4th and inches at midfield. Yep, they have to go for it.

5:48 — This may not be the time to say it, but I think the Arizona Cardinals' helmet next year should mirror that of Otterbein University football's Cardinals logo:

5:47 — In more startling news, Joe Buck FINALLY beat a level of Minesweeper on Hard difficulty. Give him a round of applause!

5:45 — The 2-point play is both missed and penalized. No way was that going to count.

25 24

5:44 — I meant DeSean Jackson. I typed DeSean Jackson. YOU ALL SAW IT. My, what a jiggly juggling catch. I think my editor just had a DeSeangasm.

5:42 — Adrian Wilson just saved a touchdown from ... um ... touching down, by grabbing Jason Avant's leg and not letting go. Nonetheless, you can just sense the Eagles are probably going to get a touchdown on this drive, probably to Celek.

5:38 — Yeah, this'll do. Warner throws a ball perfectly equidistant between two Cardinals receivers. Now for a punt and a shot for Philly to take the (gasp) lead.

5:37 — All right, game. Be more interesting. Except for you, Joe Buck. You stay comatose. We don't want to have the slightest implication that you'd rather be playing FreeCell.

Third Quarter

5:33 — Kurt Warner finds Kurt Warner wide open in the backfield for a three-yard reception. That'll bring us to the 75-cent mark of the football game. (Currency jokes, they absolutely KILL at bat mitzvahs.)

5:32 — So Philadelphia has scored 13 unanswered points. That's also Kurt Warner's number. What I'm trying to say is that the government is spying on you.

5:29 — Ohh. That Brent Celek. The vanilla to Kevin Curtis's whole milk, Celek runs like a competent bullet for his second touchdown. Oh, but David Akers dumps the PAT to the right. Troy Aikman confirms that yes, THE LACES WERE OUT.

19 24

5:27 — If anyone can call a series of plays to get Philly within four points, it's Marty Mornh ... Mornhinw ... Marty Morrrrrrrorororor ... sorry, I CAN'T SAY IT.

5:21 — Here's that "turn of momentum" I've been hearing so much about. Three fantastic defensive pass rushes force a punt. Down by 11 points and a whole quarter-and-a-quarter-of-a-quarter left, the Eagles are now back in the game.

5:16 — Why does Tom Cruise have to kill Hitler when we already commissioned Daffy Duck to do that very task? Also, BUY WAR BONDS.

5:13 — After all that, Brent Celek is found openly open for the touchdown. Also, this is probably as good a time as any to ask: who's Brent Celek?

13 24

5:12 — New rule for the 2009 NFL season: I don't care if linemen dance after sacks and TFLs, but please don't orchestrate sex moves. It's not necessary.

5:11 — Hot steak. Kevin Curtis is the target of another long play. Eagles fans, your fate rests in those milky white hands. Massage them if you get the chance.

5:10 — Another sack. At this point McNabb has to smell like topographically-out-of-place grass.

5:08 — Wait, Marty Mornhinweg is the OC for the Eagles? And Cam Cameron is on the Ravens coaching staff? Shit, I guess the secret to getting deep into the playoffs is to run a franchise into the ground, then parlay that into an assistant job for another team.

5:07 — I'm going to take a wild stab at this and say the Eagles will be passing, like, every time from here on out. Wherever Ron Jaworski is right now, he's having trouble standing up.

5:04 — So while the truck companies continue to beat each other up, Guy Fieri runs unopposed. I had no idea I lived in Venezuela. (Guy Fieri, when translated from American-Italian to Italian-American, means "flaming male.")

5:02 — Shucks, a break for the Eagles finally arrives as a totally wide open Cardinals wideout is overshot on third down. So, the turnover is converted into a clean, renewable three-and-out. The environmentalists will be pleased.

4:56 — Well, fack. McNabb drops back ... now he just drops ... and the Cardinals sack the again-hated-by-his-own-fans quarterback and recover the fumble on a sort of important third down.

4:53 — So after a miraculous scramble by McNabb who eventually threw the ball to his 15th choice, his fullback, who ran down the sideline for a first, a holding call eliminates the entire thing from the play-by-play and everyone's mind. Now, please, look into this light:

Halftime Entertainment Of How Not To Pull Your Car Out Of A Snowbank

I can't say I'm the guy to ask on how to properly get your car out of snowbanks, considering I sort of drove into one last week. (I blame the other guy. I can't be expected to talk on the cell phone AND eat a cheeseburger AND turn my car all at once!) But even I know this was probably an ill-conceived idea in getting a car free from the snowy depths of a mound of white stuff.

Second Quarter

4:38 — Also, Jesus Christ the Cardinals are 30 minutes away from the Super Bowl. (That was true last year, but in proximity only.)

4:37 — Another how-is-he-not-covered pass to Boldin sets up a last-second first half field goal. From 49 yards, Rackers kicks well enough, don't you think?

6 24

4:35 — Good, they found footage of the Chicago Cardinals' home playoff game. I suddenly want to buy war bonds, and I don't know why.

4:34 — Uh, Eagles? You might still want to try and guard Larry Fitzgerald. Yeah, the game plan's still on. Don't mail it in just because Joe Buck is.

4:33 — On 3rd and 15 ... ah, no sweat, just throw a slant to Jerheme Urban and convert it. Wait ... Jerheme? That's not a name.

4:27 — Someone check that ball and Anquan Boldin's gloves for Velcro. That's simply mind-exploding that the ball tipped off the Eagles corner's hands and into Boldin's torso. Ah ... that's why. The ball actually hit the ground. This'll be called back, but still. For that catch to almost count astounds me and makes me wonder if I should start praying for my sports teams to start winning. Up to now I've only been using prayer to wish deformities on drivers who cut me off on the highway.

4:26 — With one point five minutes left, the Cardinals are not content on kneeling or even running this one out, despite having 85 yards in front of them to travel. Instead, it's a bubble screen that goes for two yards, turned to 17 with a roughing penalty.

4:21 — There, there's some intentional grounding to soothe the surprisingly fierce Arizona faithful. This is new for them; they're used to booing their own team.

4:19 — Cardinals fans are still steaming over that kickoff call. Cardinals fans also forgot about the 15-point lead, it seems.

4:17 — The ruling on the field is you cannot challenge the sacrosanct ruling of the referees. Also, we have a second half to play and we don't want our casual fans to flip over and watch some queer bowling tournament. Eagles ball. (Balled Eagles?)

4:15 — Fuckwillows. Did the Cardinals just recover that kickoff? Or did it go out of bounds? The replay looks like it was a perfectly untouched ball ... and an Arizona up-man recovered it. Perhaps it grazed Abiamiri's luscious pecks?

4:10 — After a P-I penalty on Asante Samuel, Warner throws the fade to Larry Fitzgerald. Hats for everyone!

6 21

4:08 — Many more happenings are going Arizona's way. It's now 1st and goal after that measurement. Oh, and now there's no illegal immigration problem in the state, and dehydration's a thing of the past.

4:05 — Did Joe Buck not recognize a drawing of Rodney Dangerfield?

4:04 — Kurt Warner sacrifices his body to hand the ball off to Edgerrin James. Seems that a lineman stepped on his foot, but maybe he was trying to chip block a rattlesnake.

4:02 — That seems ... out of place. John Turturro advertising for Heineken. I was kind of hoping they replaced him with Ralph Fiennes halfway through the commercial.

3:59 — Philadelphia bravely responds to that Cardinals touchdown by scoring less than half of a touchdown. If they keep this up they just might stay within the 28-point spread magically created in the heads of suddenly confident hardcore Cardinals fans.

6 14

3:55 — Ah, but defensive holding resuscitates the drive. Following that, Kevin Curtis runs by, well, everyone for about a 50-yard gain. Insert race joke here.

3:54 — Darnell Dockett sacks McNabb on 3rd and 1, and celebrates by ... hey, that's my move!

3:52 — Graphic montage of Chicagolouiszona Cardinals history: over 17 million fans have seen Cardinals games since their last championship home game. Well ... not 17 million different fans.

3:49 — Just so we're clear ... don't leave Fitzgerald out on single coverage. But, fantastic trick play by the Cardinals to isolate No. 11 downfield. The deception was the Cardinals looked like they were going to lose about five yards on the play. Also, Warner draws a 15-yard roughing-the-disciple penalty, which'll be added to the kickoff, like it matters.

3 14

3:46 — With Brent Celek unable to jump 10 feet in the air over Cardinals linebackers, Akers lines up for a field goal and does his finest Edward Longshanks impression. Cardinals football.

First Quarter

3:41 — At the end of the first quarter, Correll Buckhalter runs for a first down. Buckhalter was also Henry Paulson's nickname in college. True story.

3:38 — On the very next play, Greg Lewis tries to catch the ball but he tumbles and the ball falls through his legs for an incompletion. The bad news is it's 2nd and 10 for the Eagles and that could've been first and goal. The good news is that the Flyers are now interested in making him their new goalie.

3:37 — Oh, that might be my favorite play in football. An interception returned, fumbled, and given back to the offense. In all, it creates a new set of downs and pushes the Eagles back a few yards. Just knocking it down would have resulted in a punt.

3:35 — McNabb throws behind DeSean Jackson. Clearly that quarterback needs to be benched and then traded.

3:32 — Larry Fitzgerald, in stark contrast to recent legend, cannot escape five tacklers on third down. This leads to a ... a ... three and out?

3:29 — These futuristic Yellow Book commercials bother me. Apparently in ten years all our keyboards will be replaced with sign language. All bloggers will be deaf-mutes. And waving at someone in public could accidentally pull up a porn site in your web browser.

3:28 — Would anyone mind terribly if I ended this live blog right now so I could buy a Dodge truck?

3:26 — I was wondering how they were going to get a mention of the Manning brothers in the NFL playoffs. An Oreo commercial! Of course. But, levity! A pink blimp collapses on the Manning brothers and Williams sisters. Hey, I guess a championship can end tied.

3:24 — On third down, the Cardinals roll out their new technological invention, the Deflect-O-Bot X3000. McNabb's pass falls to the ground, and David Akers, one of seven octogenarian kickers still in the league, trims the lead to four with a field goal of medium proportions.

3 7

3:21 — Meanwhile, in actual football updates, the Eagles got a generous gift from area concierge Neil Rackers, whose out-of-bounds kickoff put them at the 40, and with a little love and a couple completions, they're already in or around the red zone.

3:19 — I still don't know what truck to buy. Hopefully these commercials will show me the light.

3:14 — So, if you remember Larry Fitzgerald from last week, the lesson is to cover him. In theory, that's a great idea. In practice, Larry Fitzgerald was left open and bounced off a tackling dummy in an Eagles uniform, and hops into the end zone, putting 'Zona into the lead with 9:20 left in the game. Any of the following songs began playing: "Song 2" by Blur (the "woo-hoo!" song), "Bang On The Drum All Day," or any number of 60s feel-good Motown tunes.

0 7

3:09 — Two minutes in, and the Cardinals are passing the ball rather well — they're past midfield. Anquan Boldin appears to have two functional legs, which is bad news for the Eagles secondary.

3:05 — I know they keep saying the Cardinals haven't hosted a championship game since the '40s. But that was two cities ago. I think the history for a team should burst into flames it wasn't at least one relocation ago. Else you'll get stats like, "The Pittsburgh Pirates haven't won 12 games in a row since 1784 when they were known as the Yorktown Landowners."

3:03 — Our first pickup-truck advertisement political ad comes courtesy of the Ford F-150, and Denis Leary approves this message.

3:00 — So, Jordin Sparks. I still don't know who she is. Right, she was on American Idol. Fact: half of America has been on that show. But no ... who is she?

Pre-Game Babble

Right, so after one honest attempt at live blogging in a new way, we're taking an Apple II 1984-style sledgehammer to the machine, and returning to the old method of liveblogging whose limitations I've already fallen in love with: one page, many updates, and even more refresh buttons.

Anyways, to the game. Know what this NFC Championship needs? Either Kurt Warner or Donovan McNabb to suffer a nonlethal injury, bringing in Matt Leinart or Kevin Kolb to pinch-throw in this game. I don't know, something tells me this game needs a dash of Leinart to solidify it as the craziest NFL playoff game in the Technicolor™ era of sports.

The question is how this injury will come about. An oncoming blitz resulting into a hard tackle seems to be a safe bet. Then, of course, there is the sleek, sexy "throwing hand hitting a helmet" occurrence. For this injury to truly cement itself into NFL Films lore, we need a truly stupefying boo-boo. How about food poisoning? Somebody ate a bad taco before the game and the quarterback keeps upchucking on the sidelines. Yeah, that'll work. Here's hoping.

* * * * *

9:01 — Well, damn, that went quick. If this was a college football game it'd probably be 4:29 left in the first, and they'd be reviewing an out of bounds play. Enjoy the brand new already-played football game, everyone.

9:01 — The voting breakdown:

1. Sam Bradford 1726
2. Colt Mccoy 1604
3. Tim Tebow 1575
4. Graham Harrell 213
5. Michael Crabtree 116
6. Shonn Greene 65
7. Pat White 19

8:58 — HIS SPEECH WON'T END. PLAY THE MUSIC!

8:57 — Thank me, Sam. Thank me. C'mon, I have to be next.

8:56 — GROWN MEN DON'T CRY, SAM.

8:55 — Why, that would be SAM BRADFORD.

8:54 — And the winner...

8:53 — Matt Leinart couldn't make the trip. He's busy ... playing ... football?

8:51 — Paul Hornung has pants on. Damn, this will be a close vote.

8:51 — Hahaha. BerWANGer.

8:50 — It's been almost a whole hour and we haven't even handed out Best Cinematography yet.

8:47 — We're leaving someone out. There's another quarterback from the south who long deserves to be mentioned in the breath of Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford, and Tim Tebow. There was a lot of commotion over him not being here tonight, and it's very understandable. Of course, I am talking about:

Name Of Quarterback: Johnnie Moxon
School: West Canaan High Coyotes
Stats: 1734 yards, 66.8% completion, 14 TDs, 5 INTs, 4 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: James Van Der Beek
Miracles Performed: Resisted high school girl in whip cream bikini, stood up to Jon Voight when no one else would, railed against the Texan high school football establishment of pro-set formations.

8:46 — Behind the scenes: "Poise" was almost a bingo square. Good thing I didn't include it, otherwise it'd have been riddled with sperm-bullets.

8:43 — By the way, you're probably wondering why the Barack Obama picture up top. It's because he was born in the next to Tim Tebow in the Philippines.

8:41 — Good, we got that Army Heisman winning guy out of the way. Now it's MONTAGE TIME.

Name Of Quarterback: Tim Tebow
School: University of Florida Gators
Stats: 2515 yards, 64.9% completion, 28 TDs, 2 INT, 12 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Young Mel Gibson, or Jim Caviezel, or anyone who looks good drenched in blood
Miracles Performed: Became the only sophomore to win a Heisman trophy. Cured Percy Harvin's leprosy. Converted a state of hedonistic heterosexual football fans into loving, Christian schoolgirls. Fed the homeless by cooking a Brunswick stew out of nothing but his own internal motivation and a store-bought can of Brunstick stew.

8:40 — How did they find time to pry Andre Ware away from his busy schedule to make it to this presentation?

8:38 — By the way, about this Greatest Game Ever Played rebroadcast business. They're showing a re-run on ESPN prime time. Earlier on ESPN Classic, they showed a live college football game.

8:34 — There's a High School Heisman? And a guy named Leibowitz won it? Guess it's time to update the leaflet.

8:34 — "Tell me, coach Meyer. Share your defensive secrets on how to beat Sam Bradford. Coach Stoops, I entrust you'll cover your ears for this part."

8:32 — Take Sam Bradford's advice. Be great at every sport, kids!

8:30 — I have a feeling it was Sam's father's idea to cut his hair like 1970s-era Chevy Chase.

8:29 — "He always liked sports." Something tells me the angle of this Sam Bradford feature won't be "overcoming adversity."

8:26 — Mike Rozier handily won the 1983 Heisman over someone named Steve Young. Good thing he did. Because today he gets to be mentioned on a LIVE NATIONAL TELECAST sandwiched between features of today's hottest quarterbacks. And whatever happened to that other guy? Last I heard, people were throwing shit at him.

8:23 — Phew. For a minute there I was afraid Mack Brown was going to give a shitty opinion on McCoy's football ability.

8:21 — Goddamn, my bingo card is getting tagged more than a UT cheerleader passed out near a Hairy Buffalo.

8:18 — That was a nice profile, but I think we can do better:

Name Of Quarterback: Colt McCoy
School: University of Texas Longhorns
Stats: 3445 yards, 77.6% completion, 32 TDs, 7 INT, 10 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Zac Efron
Miracles Performed: Finished with an NCAA record-breaking completion percentage. Somehow won over the hearts and minds of cosmopolitan Longhorns fans despite having such a rural, folsky name. Got the entire team to bathe daily in a mixture of sawdust and tiny bits of American flag.

8:16 — "Nobody knows where Tuscola, Texas as until Colt McCoy signed with the University if Texas." Um, bad news for ya, Tuscola citizen...

8:14 — "Hi, Chris? Here are a list of websites that college kids visit. Please use at least two of them in a joke. You'll probably want to not mention Bangbros, however, unless you want to co-host a show with Fred Hickman on NESN at 3 a.m."

8:13 — Ah, a BCS joke aimed at McCoy in the event of a Heisman voting tie. "BECAUSE YOUR TEAM LOST THE TIEBREAKER!" Twist the knife.

8:13 — Chris Fowler is dying to sign Sam Bradford's cast.

8:11 — I'd like to thank Evanescence cover band "The Fallen" for providing this somber background music. I'm extremely pumped up in a very mellow, self-defeating fashion.

8:10 — Really, why even make a new former Heisman winner montage every year?

8:05 — With the commercial, let's look at our first candidate:

Name Of Quarterback: Sam Bradford
School: University of Oklahoma Sooners
Stats: 4464 yards, 68.3% completion, 48 TDs, 6 INT, 5 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Ryan Reynolds, aka "Van Wilder"
Miracles Performed: Led his offense to 60 points in five straight games. Got a great deal on a car from Rhett Bomar. Went six whole days without eating a steak. Convinced BCS computers that loss to Texas was actually a war with Eastasia.

8:03 — Someone evidently found Ron Dayne in a Sheboygan-area log cabin.

8:03 — Herbstreit said he changed his vote four times. I'm guessing he just changed it to Terrelle Pryor to avoid tough decisions.

8:01 — BradfoMcTebow is milling around, shaking hands of former Heisman winners. It probably isn't helping them that none of them are wearing nametags.

Pre-Telecast Babble

If I've learned anything about college football, it's this:

• Good coaches don't stay in Bowling Green forever, eventually they will win championships at Florida
• Auburn is impressed with a 2-10 record
• It's immoral to include players' names in video games
• The best college football players are only quarterbacks and sometimes running backs.

A guy like Andre Smith isn't considered the best college football player at all. Yet he only allowed one sack all year and probably will be drafted way higher than any of these three guys. Also, he played for a team that didn't lose until last Saturday. What more d'ya need?

Also, about Graham Harrell not being in New York for the ceremony: so what? Can't you still win this even if you're not physically in the building? I mean, couldn't technically everyone vote for Eastern Michigan's long snapper and he'd still win? Moreover, why didn't everyone vote for Eastern Michigan's long snapper? Dude kept EMU's punting game crisp and efficient. And EMU beat Central Michigan, who beat who beat Ohio, who beat Akron, who beat Syracuse, who beat Notre Dame, who beat Navy, who beat Wake Forest, who beat Ole Miss, who beat Florida, who's in the national title game! You can't possibly leave out the impeccable long snapping of the legendary whatshisname and call the Heisman Trophy the award that goes to the best player in college football.

Bingo Time

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:45 — All right. Signing off. Man, that blew. Not for Oklahoma, of course. And not for fans of the Big XII, probably. But for me, and for Missouri, and for all of the populous who foolishly tuned in wanting a good game. So if you must watch Cincy-Hawaii, then so be it. Either way, thanks for following this game — or at the very least, refreshing the page — and our paths shall cross again at the next lively blog.

11:44 — Sam Bradford says that "a lot of people said we didn't deserve to be in this game." Fun fact: Sam Bradford's car only gets Austin radio stations.

11:42 — Probably for the best. Missouri lets the clock run down on their own misery, and I suppose Oklahoma and Florida — not USC, Texas, or Alabama — will be in the BCS championship game.

11:38 — The kickoff takes a funny bounce and hits Maclin in the head, then has to field the ball and gets tackled at the 7-yard line. I think we can make that the Deadspin Profitable Sponsor© Live Blog Microcosm Of The Game.

11:34 — Madu runs ragged, and it's 62 points! DiMaggio's streak ... Gretzky's scoring ... Chamberlain's 100 points ... the fall of the Berlin wall ... this streak of five straight games of 60-point games ranks up there with all of them. AND YET I'M SOMEHOW NOT VERY EXCITED.

21 62

11:29 — And ... pickstorm. Lendy Holmes returns it about 20 yards, and then the OU sideline gets two penalties after the play is over. Bob Stoops tears the kidneys out of the perpetrators, then the Sooners fans cheer "We want Florida!" I love how national champs are decided by who the fans want in a knee-jerk championship matchup.

11:28 — "Chase Daniel would love to deny Oklahoma this record." No, he'd love to win the goddamn game. That won't happen, though. I don't think he cares about how many points OU scores if OU is going to win.

11:22 — Touchdown, Chris Brown. Hey little Sooner, do you want to know a secret? Because I know one and it is soooo good to hear it. You want to know what it schwas? I know ... how to score .. all the way to schfifty five.

21 55

11:21 — Musberger refers to the new Cowboys stadium as "The Jones Mahal." I think that'll work nicely.

11:18 — Nobody told Iglesias to stop trying. I guess he must have Tim Tebow's motivational speech on his Zune.

11:16 — The referee is not thinking about where Oklahoma will finish in the BCS standings. They're still throwing flags and calling penalties and doing their job and other boring minutia. Oklahoma now "triesforsixtypoints" and such.

11:11 — A less impressive catch by Coffman in the endzone is nonetheless a catch in the endzone. AND THE STREAK CONTINUES.

21 48

11:10 — All right, that was rather fine. Chase Coffman gets a pinky-toe inbounds as he dives for the catch.

11:09 — Maclin catches a touchdown. OR MAYBE IT WASN'T. They're waving it off, saying he didn't maintain possession. He caught it, then let it fall out of his arm as he slid in the endzone. Guess they'll have to settle for 14.

11:07 — Oh, but nobody's talking about Missouri trying to score 20 points in 13 straight games. Nothing at all? The Tigers are 30 yards away from that.

11:01 — OKLAHOMA WANTS TO SCORE 60 POINTS. In this sentence, Oklahoma = ABC. They're 12 points away from that with Mossis Madu's run.

14 48

Third Quarter

10:57 — Just one more quarter? I think I can tough it out.

10:54 — Boring first down after boring first down, and Herbstreit is thrilled that the fullback with big hair caught a pass. Just look at that long hair. Er ... flip the picture 180 degrees.

10:45 — Points! Thank heavens. Daniel to Tommy Saunders. 1.75/10.

14 41

10:44 — The game is so exciting, ABC's just going to keep showing Oklahoma defensive coordinator Brent Venables signal in the formation to his players. It's as exciting as it looks.

10:42 — Missouri converts a fourth down. And with that, the game has gone from a 1/10 to a 1.15/10.

10:41 — Thanks, Herbstreit, for mentioning that the Bowling Green coaching position is still open. Musberger has nothing to add to that. Back to this rout.

10:39 — Jeremy Maclin, after that hit, is a two-dimensional football player. Someone please pull him from the turf.

10:33 — Dan Beebe, the Big XII commissioner, joins ABC in the booth and hints at wanting a Texas-Oklahoma national championship game. Oh, that joker! Seriously, that man's like a kid who inherited a candy store. He has three teams in the top 10, and yet the conference is under so much heat because of their fifth divisional championship tie-breaker.

10:29 — Jimmy Stevens gets a much more actual leg underneath the field goal try, and a 30-yard field goal is good. Hell, that'd have been good from 33. Meanwhile, Brent and Kirk are distracted — nay, silenced — by meat on a grill. Then again, who isn't?

7 41

10:24 — Florida is playing Oklahoma in the national championship game, and Sam Bradford will win the Heisman. It's already been decided in the booth, you see. "I know I'm getting ahead of myself," Musberger finally concedes, then Herbstreit puts reality in perspective. The Sooners are just trying to get to 60 points, which means they'll have done it five games in a row, which has never been done before. Also what hasn't been done before: crying in three consecutive live blogs.

10:21 — Might as well punt it at midfield. No use trying to force the five required touchdowns right away.

10:17 — And we're back! Oh, and yes, the kickoff return had a penalty. Nice to see the refs coming out of the halftime making some good adjustments.

Halftime Entertainment Video

How about "Bohemian Rhapsody" played with farty hands? That'll work.

Second Quarter

9:55 — Oh my that finally ended. You ... you mean there's another 30 minutes of this game left?

9:52 — Chase Daniel will channel his inner Rex Grossman and just go deep from here on out. If this was a video game, the reset button would have been violently dinged by now.

9:50 — Chris Brown runs it to put the score up to Ludicrous Lead. They've gone to plaid.

7 38

9:48 — All this talk of Texas scoring 70 points in a B12 championship game a few years ago just isn't funny. Because ... well, OU intercepts Daniel on the slant pass. That's why. Following the I-N-T is Bradford tossing it downfield to set up another 1st and goal.

9:44 — Mossis Madu gathers the toss and runs for a non-penalized non-reviewed touchdown. After further review, I picked the wrong game to live blog.

7 31

9:42 — Of course OU brandishes their football genitals in the face of the Missouri defense, and throws an out route to move the chains.

9:41 — Finally, the Sooners hit a 4th down. Ah hell, Stoops tells his team, just stay in there and convert it. Nobody's watching anyway.

9:38 — Head ref: "There is no foul on the play."

9:35 — Missouri's failed third down conversion seems as good a time as any to share with you a video e-mailed to me by Kansas fan Alex, of Chase Daniel playing with his own nose goblins. Seems apt.

9:29 — To the orange thrower: take your moronic OJ Simpson protests somewhere else.

9:27 — Did ... did Herbie just say someone threw an orange onto the field? And the the refs didn't stop play? The orange is guilty of illegal citric contact and that should have been 10 yards at the spot of the rind. Instead, Bradford flings it to Iglesias (again) for a huge(r) lead.

7 24

9:25 — By the way, 1st and goal Oklahoma.

9:24 — That didn't take too long. Daniel stretches for another yards and gets the ball popped out. OU recovers, but it's a questionable call, so the referees won't look it over. And why would they? Nobody was taunting the other team. A screen capture of the head referee:

9:22 — Oklahoma calls a timeout. On DEFENSE!? After a KICK RETURN!? That's probably a 5-yard penalty. Why not? Everything else is.

9:18 — Bradford to Juaquin Iglesias to put the lead back up to 10. Iglesies draws an unsportsmanlike after the touchdown. Is the head referee gonna have to break out more country-fresh colloquialisms?

7 17

9:17 — The referee gets both teams into a huddle, probably to tell them to stop getting so many daggum penalties, because that's not your your momma raised you, and other folksy maxims of that nature.

9:15 — OU just keeps rolling up the first downs. Tell you what. If you've got this game on mute, and still want the full effect of the game, just play this every 3 minutes:

9:13 — SOME KIND OF INJURY UPDATE. DeMarco Murray is out of the game with an injury. Oklahoma will be in trouble if they're not a prestigious team with a talent-loaded depth chart.

9:08 — Daniel to Maclin on a 3rd and long, finds a porous spot in OU's secondary — much like Oklahoma's terrain in general — and skips to his own loo for a touchdown. Mizzou gets a "Non contact foul" after the TD, and a "falsified start" on the PAT, proving you don't have to punch an opponent to break rules in the game of football.

7 10

9:05 — So Scrubs is now hopping from network station to network station? That's very strange and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. With that said, back to you, Brent Musberger!

9:02 — For being down 10 points, Missouri's offense is hanging in there. That is, of course, a euphemism for "down by 27 by the third quarter."

First Quarter

8:57 — Yes, one of ABC's highlights in their first quarter montage was a missed field goal. Hot football action, indeed.

8:56 — OMG IT'S A SLIGHTLY TRENDY FORMATION! A lateral back to Daniel tricks OU into pass interference, and the drive continues. Curse the inventor of the Wildcat formation!

8:52 — The Sooner Schooner broke down at midfield during that TV timeout. Barry Switzer is furious.

8:50 — Brown strolls in for a touchdown up the middle. Officials look over whether the band began "Boomer Sooner" with forte or mezzo forte.

0 10

8:49 — Chris Brown rushes for six yards. And yet the officials accept that result at their word, without looking at it again.

8:47 — Officials stop to review whether the ball was caught and downed by Oklahoma or caught and fumbled and recovered by Oklahoma. You read that right. Probably.

8:42 — Funny how when Chase Daniel avoids three sacks, then gets flattened for a three yard gain, it still hurts. Missouri punts back.

8:39 — Bradford shanks two straight passes, letting them hit the ground instead of a receiver's torso. Tack on a personal foul on Oklahoma for crying out it, and OU has to punt on 4th and 25. Horribly, I might add. Mike Knall treats the ball like a bishop, and kicks it diagonally out of bounds for 26 yards.

8:34 — Offsetting personal fouls. Two people feel bad, and the game is not affected. Jeff Wolfert attempts the 49-yard field goal and it wobbles a couple of yards short. If nothing else, Wolfert can take solace in that it went twice that of Stevens' kick earlier in the game. OU ball.

8:33 — Jeremy Maclin, when he touches the ball, has the chance to score every time, says Kirk Herbstreit. Technically, doesn't everyone?

8:32 — Chase Daniel, white running quarterback. A columnist's dream.

8:29 — No, I'm not convinced Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and Derrick Washington are IMPACT PLAYERS for Missouri if it's not to the tune of "Thunderstruck."

8:26 — Proving it's immensely difficult to fuck up a 20-yard field goal, Jimmy Stevens puts his team on top by trois.

0 3

8:24 — Did the receiver step out of bounds, or did he step out of bounds further down? An official review is underway to see whether or not it's 4th and goal or 4th and goal.

8:22 — Sam Bradford throws two incomplete passes, and Musberger and Herbstreit can't explain why that happened. Declaring he's not actually Midwest Jesus hasn't been ruled out.

8:20 — No wonder OU has a great offensive line. They have great names like "Phil Loadholt." So far they've gone to the red zone with hardly any problem.

8:14 — Marvelous camerawork to get that coin toss. In the entire history of coin tosses, only one has ever been botched. Not this one. Good thing Oklahoma didn't lose that coin toss, because then Texas would have won the tiebreaker and they'd usurp the sideline and play Missouri in this game.

Pre-Game Babble

It's so adorable. Missouri has convinced themselves they're as good as Oklahoma, and I'd like them to convince all of us of the same thing, because, dammit, some of us decided to stay in and watch this game. If anything else languishes around as a morsel of comfort, it's that the Big XII Championship has a slight history of being unpredictable. Double-digit favorites haven't always won this baby.

The problem, however, is that OU is 5-1 in this game since 2000, with their only loss coming to Kansas State in 2003. Which means Missouri might not have a chance in this game unless Chase Daniel wears an Ell Roberson mask, and surprises the Oklahoma defense like a Mailbox Monster from Toe Jam & Earl. In fact I'm pretty sure "Mailbox Monster" is a trick play up Gary Pinkel's visor. Mark it down.

It's Bingo Time

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:22 — Much like their in-state brethren, UB students can now Photoshop "Ball State 12-1" t-shirts.

Okay, that's too bad for Ball State, but Buffalo ripped the heartwarming storyline from the vena cava of SportsCenter's teleprompter and made it their own. That's how it's done in the MAC. Way to go, Bulls.

And way to go, me. I just did three MAC football games in a row and nobody noticed. Thanks everyone!

11:20 — Turner Gill, what do you think? "Speechless ... ... ... speechless." Rob Stone asks a pressing follow-up question and gets less silence.

11:20 — Gatorade big gulps for everyone.

11:19 — Finish the game off, defense. You basically got half the points anyway. An interception in the endzone puts the inevitable dagger in the breast of the Cardinals. That's a bird part, right?

11:16 — UB's mantra before the game: "Kill the giant and the dark one, leave the third for questioning."

11:13 — Starks ends up scoring. THAT's how you pour it on. Actually, this is an acceptable answer to pouring it on:

24 42

11:11 — James Starks runs the sucker almost into the endzone. They'll get the lackadaisical goal-line formation. "Don't want us to score? 'Scoo with me. Want us to score? Fine with us."

11:08 — Well, that onside attempt will basically put Ball State's comeback hopes into a catatonic coma. Buffalo ball.

11:06 — Continuing with the Christopher Guest motif, the lead is now:

11:03 — Ball State's not going for the field goal, which they need at least that to erase the 18-point deficit. Naw, they'll go for it on 4th and 4 and just end this game as soon as possi... oh, a touchdown. Well, that works too. Davis finds Louis Johnson for 90% of the work, and Johnson wiggles free of a BlueBull defender for the other 10%.

24 35

10:56 — And now for another Naaman Roosevelt-Christopher Guest parallel. "Well, it's like, how many babies fit the tire? You know, that old joke." Actually that has nothing to do with Naaman Roosevelt's third touchdown catch, but then again Waiting For Guffman isn't very relatable to anything in life. Suddenly it's a goddamn blowout.

17 35

10:55 — Tuffy has tapped into Turner Gill's playbook for Buffalo, and is kind enough to share it with me:

10:50 — You're ... you're kidding me. Another fumble? UB now has the ball in amazing field position. But don't fret. They're not fumbles. They're:

10:49 — Spielman insists that Ball State can take advantage because the defense is tired. Just as a UB defender stuffs the wideout just short of the first down. Yeah. He seems winded.

10:45 — Thermilus fails to make the 1st down, but doesn't fail to make a great name for a Roman Empire plumbing company.

10:42 — Well, slap me silly. The Cardinals go for it on 4th and 7 on the 38-yard line. Surely he'll make something happen! He smartly avoids the throw and finds the sack. Big momentum pendulum-type swing for the Buffalo Bulls.

10:40 — Chris Spielman is saying Ball State, 11 points down, has a little bit of an advantage right now. Much like when William Wallace's guys were winning when they were getting fucking SHOT WITH ARROWS.

"Hold ... HOLD ... HOLD!!!"

10:39 — BCS conferences are now called AQ conferences? When was this?

Third Quarter

10:33 — Ball State has the ball back, and to their credit snapped it correctly to end the quarter.

10:28 — I wasn't aware I had DVR on my cable box, but there it is. Freak fumble recovery turns Buffalo's way, leads to long recovery touchdown. Sign in the stands: "ESPN ♥ UB." Well, yes. Now.

17 28

10:26 — Incompletion? No sweat. Let's just run to the first down. Nate Davis, you sly walrus you.

10:23 — Nate Davis gets pressured, so he throws it away ... into the hands of Briggs Orsbon for a long 1st down play. OR WAS IT ACTUALLY THROWN AWAY? They're reviewing to see if it touched the ground. And yes, it was just a smelly incomplete pass. Way to throw it horribly, Nate Davis. No NFL for you.

10:21 — Rob Stone gets an interview with Rick Chryst and lets him off the hook on blowing a Ball State-Boise State matchup. He says he's all about the best game possible. He sure is! He wants Notre Dame to come in. He sure has an eyeball for quality opponents!

10:19 — A list of all bowl eligible teams. Bowling Green is 6-6, and therefore bowl eligible. You'd think!

10:13 — Nate Davis is creatin'. He's improvisin'. He's jumpin'. He's ... POP. A helmet-to-football collision spins this game around like a dreidel, because, see, Hanukkah is sometime this month. Buffalo's Mike Newton, the worst tasting cookie in history, returns the magic rock about 95 yards or so for the gravity-reversing touchdown. Finally, ESPN has a highlight they can show.

17 21

10:11 — Senior Citizen Card Game Update:

10:09 — MiQuale runs to the pylon, but is spotted at the one. Perhaps if he was named MiQuayle, his silent "e" would have extended him far enough to score the six.

10:08 — By the way, "Willy" is a euphemism for male genitals.

10:07 — Willy slips and Willy drops his ball to the ground. The Cardinals fall on Willy's ball.

10:06 — Chris Spielman just channeled 1/3 of Yoda's strength. "Trust your training, young man!" No, that was a perfectly ordered sentence. Never mind.

10:05 — David Letterbettis is from Balltroit.

10:04 — Wait. Detroit has an outdoor skating rink? Did someone get a promotion after that idea?

9:59 — All this talk of minority candidates made me forget that Ball State had the football and was moving it in a positive direction such that MiQuale Lewis was able to feather his way into the end zone. Feather. Quale. Bird.

17 14

9:55 — Sean McDonough now advocates the Rooney Rule for NCAA schools, because Sylvester Croom and Tyrone Willingham were both horrible at their professions. I can really see college football implementing something like this, because they are known for embracing radical concepts like playoffs and salaries.

9:53 — "Nuggnuts." Hmm. Clearly I haven't done enough to stop this word from spreading.

9:51 — Harlan Pepper, would you stop Naaman nuts? Naaman Roosevelt scampers down the sideline like a white, all natural white, macadamia nut for the go-ahead touchdown.

10 14

9:50 — And now for a fourth down play. They're on the Ballsy 44-yard line ... yep, they snuck through the line. Plus, the Cardinals were offsides. Also, the referees like Buffalo. Plus, Mike Brey's son. Need any other reasons? Morton Kondracke!

9:47 — James Starks eludes three robin-sized birds for something like a 20-yard gain. [the sound a bull makes]

9:45 — Buffalo starts with the ball. In case you're confused, Ball State is the team you want to win. Buffalo is the team you really want to win.

9:44 — And we're back, $11,600 in fake assets later.

Halftime Entertainment Video Flash Game

Online Plinko. You're so welcome.

Second Quarter

9:23 — That's the deepest touchback I've ever seen in my life ... oh, they were trying for the field goal. That gives Ball State the halftime lead.

10 7

9:21 — Well, they made it into reasonable field goal position. Which means it's time to punt the ball.

9:17 — No, don't use your three timeouts to try and get into field goal position. Just run draws and screen passes. There you go.

9:16 — A walk is as good as a hit, and a fumble is just as good as a punt, only better. The Cardinals have a chance to tweet the ball back the other way.

9:16 — Hey, it might not end up tied. Willy's finding some soft, cancerous holes in the Ball State prevent and moving the ball toward midfield. There's about a minute left.

9:13 — 4th down and 7. You're not in field goal range. Do you: a) punt the ball and not risk scoring points and taking the lead.

9:09 — Natedavisbenroethlisbergerchadpennington. Etymology: Bristolian. Can you use it in a sentence? "My fantasy team is so awesome, I just drafted Natedavisbenroethlisbergerchadpennington and Willismcgaheeclintonportisdevinhester."

9:08 — The ESPN booth was given concessions in little cardboard trays. Steak and fries? And yet they could have just ordered fried chicken so easily.

9:04 — Now that was a solid punt. Knocked the Ball State returner flat on his ass. That's the kind of punt that motivates a team to ... punt better.

9:02 — You're fucking kidding me. Chris Spielman asks Mike Brey what things in football and basketball are the same. What's ... I ... the ... [brain melts]

9:00 — An interview with ... Notre Dame basketball Mike Brey. That one threw me for a loop. (The connection is that his son Kyle is a tight end for Buffalo.) Too bad they didn't ask him who has more heart: Kyle Brey or Luke Harangody?

8:56 — MiQuale? Man!

7 7

8:53 — Onomatopoeic wideout Daniel Ifft gets his helmet rung by a Buffalo defender's helmet, and the line will move 15 yards toward undefeatedness.

8:51 — Ah, there's the Ball State offense that's able to convert on 3rd and short. It didn't go to Auburn quite yet.

8:47 — Anything you can punt I can punt better, I can punt anything better than you. (No you can't, yes you can, et cetera.)

8:46 — Nobody can catch Willy. Willy's just hanging out there outside the pocket, and nobody wants to touch him. He finally throws it out of bounds. Willy.

8:43 — Brandon Thermilus runs for 15 yards. "Thermilus" seems like one of those unabridged dictionary words that home-schooled prodigies know how to spell.

8:42 — Things Ball State has in common with Florida, Alabama, Boise State, and Oklahoma: amount of time in which they trailed. Also: a couple of those teams have variants of the color red on their jersey. That's about it.

8:41 — So that wasn't a fair catch either. The returner half-assed it, or was a big white baby for not wanting to get tackled. Nice to see the MAC was able to find XFL referees on such short notice.

8:40 — Producer to camerman: "Look, we can't pan the stands. Nobody's there. Just ... just shoot the ceiling or something. It's remotely interesting."

First Quarter

Sumbitch. The first quarter ends with QualeMan getting snuffled up well behind the line of scrimmage on a 3rd and 1 toss. UB as surprised as IB.

8:35 — MiQuale Lewis rushes for several yards. "He's built like a Volkswagen Bug." DUDE, NO FOREIGN CAR METAPHORS IN DETROIT PLEASE.

8:34 — BREAKING NEWS. Greg Maddux is retiring? So young? Guess they ran out of California teams he would accept trades to.

8:31 — Naaman R. Oosevelt. Sounds like a typical bastard. He catches a first and goal-setting-up ball-type-thing, then runs the fade route and collects the first points of the game.

0 7

8:29 — Back off, punters. You've had your fun. A goofy center-quarterback exchange results in Nate Davis taking a football to the groin! Hans Moleman Raphael Akobundu makes the recovery.

8:26 — We're 11 minutes in. It's a punt-off!

8:24 — "They had a seven year stretch where they won just 10 games." Personally I think seven wins in five years is more depressing, because you get to throw in a monster three-win season into the stat.

8:23 — Buffalo fans got to the stadium three minutes before kickoff? If you remember, last week Western Michigan had bus problems getting to their game against Ball State. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Cardinals' opponents are having bad luck with mass transit. Don't look into it at all.

8:19 — The high flying Ball State offense is in full display. Three and out, so share the ball, Brady Hoke. Buffalo wants it now.

8:18 — Life imitates Detroit: someone briefly stole my headline and put my live blog on cinder blocks. A claim has already been filed.

8:15 — UB punts, Ball State goes for a return but the referees decide he probably called a fair catch and blows it dead. The analyst says the fair catch is waved off if the ball bounces on the ground. He's confused. I'm confused. The crowd falls deathly silen... oh.

8:14 — Oh, there are the fans. All bunched into three sections. At halftime they'll re-enact the famous Schoolhouse Rock music video "Elbow Room."

8:13 — Naaman Roosevelt gets his first catch. NAAMAN is also what you have in your hand anytime you lose at Scrabble©.

8:09 — James Starks gets the first touch for Buffalo. He's like John Starks, except that his best dunk was simultaneously over Ulysses S. Grant and Jordin Sparks.

8:05 — We have love for Dante Love, and davis (?) for Nate Davis. But the drive ends a bit farther ahead of where Lions drives end, and Chris Miller's punt pins the Bulls rather far back. Drew Willy will take a bus to Dearborn to begin the offensive series.

8:02 — Oh, my. I should be live blogging this one from the end zone seats. I'd be in the front row. When a PAT destroys my MacBook, you'll think it was a Gawker technical error. It'd be hilarious!

7:59 — ESPN's Rob Stone interviews Ball State coach and Jeff Garlin fan club treasurer Brady Hoke near the tunnel. Behind him are about eight fans in seats. I'm not yet convinced this is a Detroit Lions game in drag.

7:58 — The booth guys: Nate Davis can be an NFL player. So can Buffalo's Drew Willy. So can you!

Pre-Game Babble

Both teams are already going to bowl games. (Note: let the phrase "Buffalo is already guaranteed a bowl game" stew in your head and see if it explodes in the next 60 seconds.) So all that's really at stake in this game is to see if Ball State become the first 13-0 team to play in the Motor City Bowl. Marshall played in the Motor City Bowl with an unblemished 12-0 record, and kicked some Mormon rump with a 21-3 rout of BYU.

Buffalo might as well lose this game, because a win will only increase the chance that Turner Gill leaves and coaches somewhere else. Likewise, Brady Hoke winning this game might raise the chance other schools try and pry him away from Muncie, lest he becomes the new token fact MAC coach, replacing Tom Amstutz, and gets fired in six years.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Ball State: 2-0
Buffalo: 0-1. Oh, wait, that's the Bills. The Bulls are live blog (and winning record) virgins.

Fun Fact Trivia Segment Inspired By Dash's Live Blog

Teams from Indiana and New York are playing tonight. When was the last year a MAC football championship didn't feature at least one team from the state of Ohio?

Tonight's Bingo Card

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

10:13 — Rebelling against the PA announcer was simply more fun. Ball State is 12-0 and will play Buffalo in Ford Field. WMU is 9-3 and the irony is they'll probably get a January bowl game while the Cardinals won't. The two lesser MAC tie-in bowls, the International and the GMAC, are both played in 2009 for some unknown reason, while it's probably going to be Ball State in the Motor City bowl against a shitty Big Ten team. Yay!

All right, enough MAC regular season live blogging for this year. Thanks for putting up with the itch I just had to scratch on this Tuesday night.

10:12 — Hugs and hearty high-fives all around on the Cardinals sideline. The PA announcer doesn't want anyone to rush the field. And I don't blame him. In a state where there's plenty of open spaces, why commune on this one?

10:09 — Not wanting to risk anything with 1:26 left in the game and give BSU great field position, Western punts the ball away.

10:07 — Nice of WMU to put the backup quarterback in, Drew Burdi, so he can be the resident Matt Stairs and get his ass hammered by guys.

10:06 — There's the most salient thing Bentley has said all night. Let's see Ball State and Boise State play each other, since it looks like neither will get a BCS crack.

10:04 — MiQuale has now rushed for more TDs than any other Ball State running back in a single season. The previous record was held by ... uh ... someone?

9:59 — Either every Directional Michigan linebacker has opposable thumbs, or MiQuale Lewis is just that good at eluding tackles. He escapes a sure wrap-up a few yards away of the goalline then skitters around more defenders for six points. This game's gotta be over by now.

22 45

9:56 — Dante Lewis. Not Dante Love. Dante Lewis is probably a human being, but he's not the one you were talking about, Ray Bentley.

9:55 — Did ... did Nate Davis just run one-third the field down the sidelines? Did MiQuale Lewis steal his jersey and put on really tall shoes? Hot damn, he's a good quarterback.

9:52 — While the nation* awaits to see if Darius Hill caught the pass, I saw Hill talking and joking with a WMU defender. This is a huge game for both teams, and one team is certainly in better spirits than the other. How can they joke with each other, or at least be cordial on the field between plays? This is why I could never be a professional athlete, aside from the obvious reasons. I don't even talk to my friends and family members if I'm playing Monopoly and have most of my properties mortgaged.

* - Muncie

9:43 — West scampers in for six, which is magically converted into eight points on a successful pass from Hiller to Nunez. WMU is back in this assuming Nate Davis does his best Chris Rix impression for the last 11 minutes.

22 38

9:41 — Brandon West's run sets up a 1st and goal, and for bonus difficulty, they'll take a false start penalty. For added super double whopper difficulty, they'll add an illegal formation penalty.

9:40 — See below, replace everything with "Simmons gets shellacked by Bryant Haines and somehow keeps all his teeth."

9:38 — See below, replace "Hiller to Simmons" with "Brandon West runs."

9:37 — See below, replace "3rd" with "1st."

9:37 — Hiller to Simmons for, yep, a 3rd and 10 conversion.

9:34 — WMU needs three touchdowns, complete with the 2-point conversion premium TrueCoat™ that they put on at the factory, to tie. But if nothing else Tim Hiller and Jamarko Simmons can get their stats back up to where they should be.

9:30 — Right, like Ozzy's texts are that much clearer than his speech.

Third Quarter

9:26 — And ... punt. ESPN shows the results of their latest poll: "Should Utah be considered for the BCS National Championship game?" All but one state said "No." Guess.

9:23 — Schneider Julien is running around there with two last names, while so many first-name-heavy humans are starved for a surname. His own teammate Caleb Clark, for example, would LOVE to make a trade with Julien, who just danced around tackles for a first down.

9:21 — They're really going to let Tim Hiller play quarterback, aren't they? What bet did he lose?

9:17 — Or that. Hiller throws an INT for TD to Ball State cornerback Trey Lewis. Youch.

14 38

9:16 — Really, though. Tim Hiller is good at football. Don't let the ball slipping out of his hand a microcosm of the oeuvre of his total work.

9:15 — Elsewhere in the MAC: Northern Illinois trails Navy 16-0. Woof. Total passing plays by Navy: one.

9:13 — How meritocratic of that TomTom commercial: "$100 doesn't go as far as it used to." I know! Who do you have to blow to get a decent limo driver these days?

9:10 — Davis pumps up the crowd (or does non-jumping jumping jacks. It's hard to tell from this vantage) then feeds it to 3'4" MiQuale Lewis for a touchdown and a commanding lead.

14 31

9:09 — Oh, and Darius Hill is good too. First and goal.

9:07 — Briggs Orsbon brings in a big 3rd and 10 catch. Orsbon sounds like a corporation that did a lot of mysterious things in the 1950s to make white suburban life easier.

9:06 — Ball State has a 32-year-old U.S. Marine on their team. Brandon Crawford gets up at 4:30 a.m. every morning. He's a junior. He probably wakes up to tuck in his teammates goodnight at 4:30 a.m.

9:03 — Tim HIller. I haven't mention the other quarterback in this game yet. But there he is, falling down as he hands off to Winchester to convert a 3rd and short. Hiller follows that up by throwing a deep ball that bounces off a Cardinal defender, then loses 13 yards on a sack. I'm pretty sure he's not nearly as bad as the last progression of plays make him out to be.

9:01 — Probably not the best idea inside the 10-yard line to get a false start.

8:57 — Well, he won't be asking Briggs Orsbon to the HMP. His speeding missile of a throw wicks off his raised hands and the Cardinals have to punt. Nice kick, though, as it lands on the 3-yard line.

8:55 — MiQUALE MAN puts about 30 yards of field ahead of him in his front pocket. Also, Nate Davis throws a downfield block. The four-year man crush I've had on Nate Davis is finally paying off. I just hope he remembers me when he's looking for a date to the Heterosexual Man Prom.

8:53 — Aaron Winchester is good, but not "continuing the drive past a few first downs" good. Punt.

8:49 — M"kay, WMU. Don't make this game a repeat of last night's Packers-Saints game. Let's get a 4-OT duel underway. I don't ask for much.

Halftime Entertainment Video

Joe Montana, Buster Douglas and Pat Riley can agree about how many bits a video game console system should have. Eight isn't enough!

Second Quarter

8:27 — It's a video game-style offensive push with 23 seconds left. ...wait, they just run the ball out and decide it's coo' to have a 10-point deficit. End of half.

8:24 — Scrambled eggs all over my face. What is a Bronco to do? Nate Davis runs six yards into the endzone. "Nate Davis does what Western Michigan's buses couldn't do, and that's get through traffic." Somewhere, a Kalamazoo-area charter bus driver throws his bottle of Miller Lite at the TV.

14 24

8:22 — Not a great sign for WMU's defense when the tight end gets behind the secondary. Darius HIll receives Davis's throw and drags a defender to the 5-yard line.

8:19 — Ball State put their offense back on the field rather quickly. Did they go out of turn? Davis scrambles out of bounds and the Cardinals have 42 yards and less than 90 seconds in the half.

8:16 — And yes, there's mention of the double-overtime win Buffalo had over Bowling Green on Friday night. They failed to mention the BGSU coach mad at his own fanbase for being "pitiful" for not freezing their asses off on a Friday night to see a home loss. Yes, damn their fans!

8:14 — Yeah, Letterman should have been the free space.

8:12 — Perhaps it was not a good idea to coin the word "Nuggnut" in a McDonald's campaign. Especially if you leave out former innuendo-laden hockey goalie Ron Tugnutt.

8:10 — A team can only convert so many 3rd and teens before they bring out the kickin' game. Ian McGarvey converts the field goal to give his team a 3-point McLead.

14 17

8:08 — Nate Davis runs for a first down and a lot of bonus yards. But WILL HE FLOAT?

8:06 — It's Muncie's answer to Wes Welker. Briggs Orsbon dives and catches the 3rd and long pass.

8:04 — BJ Hill might've had the most acrobatic and impressive kickoff return in college football this year that only wound up putting the ball on the 30-yard line.

8:00 — Coffee magnate Juan Nunez scores a touchdown on the infield fly rule, and hey, maybe this will be a close game after all.

14 14

7:59 — Yes, Jamarko Simmons made a great one-on-one play to set up first and goal ... but what kind of star WR number is 27?

7:52 — WMU's "two quarterback" formation winds up with other-QB Drew Burdi running the ball for 9 yards and one under par.

7:50 — BSU begins with a punt, and Western returner E.J. Biggers loses oodles of yards by stepping outta bounds accidentally. Heh. "Biggers."

7:47 — Oh, look, the commercial where the guy sneak-pulls a Heineken out of the wrapping paper. How often can we re-gift this ad?

First Quarter

7:45 — The chirpin' Cardinals, trying to bring the lead back to 14, instead let a WMU defender fling Cory Sykes down to the ground for a big loss.

7:42 — Hiller laterals it to backup QB Drew Burdi, who lobs it to Schneider Julien.

Also, please punch a hole through "trickeration." Twice, technically.

7 14

7:38 — Well, that's modestly hopeful. Brandon West returns the kickoff to the 40something line, but unlike most other fortysomething results, he will not have a mid-life crisis and try to take up surfing.

7:34 — And good thing they kept the ball, because Davis chucks it to Louis Johnson for about a 40-yard touchdown reception. Bentley: Johnson "runs unmolested down the field." Ah, schoolboy memories.

0 14

7:33 — Ball State really is the new Toledo. Brady Hoke lets his team run the ball on 4th and 1, and they convert.

7:31 — Much like last week, Sean Baker enjoys intercepting directional Michigan quarterbacks. Hiller forced it and Ball State takes over at midfield.

7:28 — Many ESPN commenters are cheering for Ball State and Western Michigan. Some misunderstood the question and are rooting for Alabama or Auburn.

7:23 — MiQUALE! MAN!

0 7

7:22 — WMU still refuses to guard #81, Johnson, in the secondary. Because that's just what they'd be expecting them to do.

7:20 — Davis to Louis Johnson. I'm sensing a theme. "Davis should register his arm as a lethal weapon." Haven't they made enough of those films?

7:17 — Footage of Western Michigan buses getting to the stadium 40 minutes late, because of accidents on I-69. You never want to have an accident on 69.

7:15 — QBs on display my foot. These punters ROCK!

7:13 — There's something remarkably unsettling with the name "Trey Buice." Is that a Gaelic greeting?

7:11 — Nice run by the not-at-all-pretentious-sounding name Aaron Winchester for 19 yards.

7:09 — Not enough Quale-ness for another first down, and WMU will receive the punt and set up the football.

7:07 — So, actual game updates. MiQuale Lewis catches Nate Davis's screen pass and makes some Quale-like moves for the first down. Not to be confused with Quayle-like moves, where he catches a screen passes and puts "E"s on words that don't need them.

7:06 — Also, any comments you leave on ESPN's game thread might make it to the TV screen. Remember. "Gaping hole."

7:03 — Ooh, it's Interactive Tuesday! you can write comments to ESPN and put them on the scrolling marquee at the top. Your goal for the day: get the phrase "gaping hole" into a published comment. "Call 1-800-269-0213 to voice your opinion," it says. Please do.

Pre-Game Babble

Even though last night's Saints win over Green Bay had more scores than an Abraham Lincoln speech, it's getting to the point of the year in which prime-time-scheduled football is not nearly as interesting as mid-majors duking it on on a Tuesday night. And this one actually means something, at least in the fishbowl of a world that is the Mid-American Conference. The winner of this game will play in the MAC Championship game against — hold your laughter — the University at Buffalo. The game will be in Ford Field in a valiant attempt to hold a meaningful game there. Both of these teams are bowl bound, although in all fairness they're also good enough to make the playoffs in the NBA Eastern Conference.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Ball State: 1-0
Western Michigan: It's amazing, after all their tradition and glory, that they haven't been in one yet.

Bingo Card

Today's digitally-mastered bingo card will not be seen tonight, for numerous technical reasons, many which involve Adobe InDesign crashing every time I open it. So as part of last week's Green Week, I have wasted a piece of looseleaf on tonight:

NOTE: If you have trouble reading any of them, don't worry. We're probably not going to make a bingo tonight anyway.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

10:38 — Abruptly! The broadcast is over. As is my time in this live blog. A hearty Michigan-y thanks to each and every one of you for following along.

10:35 — Wow, I'm really sorry for predicting that one. LeFevour throws a nice, crisp spiral to Sean Baker. Perhaps review will see that Baker's feet were not in bounds, or that they were a drifter's set of feet and his original legs are somewhere in a meadow, which is out of bounds. No? It was a legal INT? Then that's all for this game. Ball State moves to 11-0 and CMU suffers their first conference loss. I hope they both make bowl games, though. Hell of a game. This might've been the most fun football game I've watched since the Super Bowl. Then again I have a short attention span and I always want to nominate the most recent Deadspin post I read for the DSHOF. That's just how I roll. In the now. Carpe diem. Seize the fish.

10:34 — HUGE chunk of razor turf was conquered by a deep ball to Bockheim. The Chips get up and spike the ball.

10:34 — Another completion to Brown, who shakes off someone's wrist and scampers out of bounds.

10:33 — The Mount Pleasanteers who already left the stadium ... RUN BACK INTO KELLY/SHORTS. The pass was ruled incomplete. Get back in time for the next interception, perhaps! But this pass was complete to Poblah and he gets out of bounds. 53 seconds left.

10:29 — Oh, that LeFevour, he always makes something happen. He'll get them down there and make this interes... or he'll throw an interception on the first play. Alex Knipp dives and snags the pick. OR PERHAPS I TOLD YOU THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HAPPENED. Replays indicate a strong chance that the nub landed on the Dashboard Confessional-inspired razor turf. Caring is for the weak. Why even get out of bed?

10:28 — Antonio Brown, this is your CHANCE TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. And he successfully runs over his own teammate before falling to the turf near the 15-yard line.

10:26 — About nine Chippewas defenders circle around MiQuale Lewis to stop him on third down, and commence the dreaded tickle torture. CMU will get the ball back with about 60 seconds of bliss.

10:23 — Ray Bentley says "irregardless." The grammar Führer in me wants me to use that word in a future bingo square. It's now in the mental lockbox.

10:23 — So begins the "run short distance, call time out" battle of wits. Maybe Butch Jones will fake the timeout. Y'know, to screw with the other team.

10:21 — With under three minutes to go, a 3rd and short might have been stuffed by the CMU line. "I think he's a little bit short." WE GET IT. HE'S MINISCULE IN SIZE AND BIG IN HEA... oh, he's short of the first down. I see what you're saying now. yes, he does look short. But on the measure, he got the football nub past the down marker. Devastatin'.

10:19 — HEY THAT'S NOT A PUNT THAT'S A FAKE. On 4th and 18, a reverse gain of one yard ... wait, let's measure it ... nope, that wasn't enough.

10:18 — Crucial. Vital. Sacked. Puntin' time.

10:16 — Holding call on 2nd and 1? No big deal. LeFevour can instead add to his passing yards by throwing to Poblah for many yards yet again. Everyone wins.

10:13 — In response, CMU will string together a hefty number of LeFevour-induced first downs. That's 25 times they've moved the chain. In comparison, when Oklahoma smooshed Texas A&M 66-28, the Sooners had 29 first downs.

10:09 — Could anyone currently in the household of Deadspin platinum VIP commenter Jerkwheat please remove all sharp objects within a 10-foot radius of our favorite CMU alum?

10:08 — Good job, running back. Now get outta the way, we're gonna pass this one. Briggs Orsbon, a name yanked from the depths of the 1830s, hauls in the TD.

31 24

10:06 — Update: 160 yards on 21 touches. Todd Harris so flustered, he called his colleague Ray Lewis, who is also a football player. Levity!

10:05 — MiQuale Lewis yardage update: 141 on 20 carries.

10:03 — M.Q. has over 100 yards on the ground, so he'll just keep running some more, if that's okay with everyone.

10:02 — Ball State will hand it off to ... MIQUALE! MAN!

10:01 — Okay, seriously, Trey Buice. Stop defending. Points are more fun than pass breakups. Don't make us warn you again. CMU punts it away.

9:57 — Todd Harris discusses the turf. When it's warm it feels great but when it's cold it feels "like little razorblades." Eco friendly? Screw that. MAC football in November: now emo friendly! Hey, we'll take any demographic we can find.

9:54 — The man who spun Johnson around on the play, it should be known, is Tim Brazzel. Brizzle Brazzel Brozzel Brome, time for this one to come home.

9:49 — Hey, lookit. Davis to Louis Johnson makes it tied. Nice tackle there by CMU, though. Actually, we have a couple screenshots of the play:

24 24

9:49 — The ONE time I put Brett Favre off the board, and they compare Davis' overthrown ball to Brett Favre. SERIOUSLY now.

9:48 — Back to Ball State and the tiny, short legs of QualeMan, who is short.

9:44 — Okay, excellent commercial there by GameStop. What really made this work was the "Dead Man Don't Wear Plaid" coffee tactic shtick as the father just kept finding more magazines.

9:41 — Two plays (and less than a minute) later, Tito Poblah is dancing in the end zone with a football in his hands. The Chippewas will be billed fifteen (15) yards for the dance, and $27.99 for a pair of new clogs.

9:41 — Are you Fevourish? The not-at-all-Tim-Tebow quarterback brings it to midfield.

Third Quarter

9:37 — Four fingers in the air. Yes, that is how you'd be drawn if you were an animated character.

9:34 — Sackenbraten. Nate Davis unexpectedly takes a ride to the turf on third down, so let's punt for Jesus. Chris MIller's kick sails and bounces 52 yards.

9:31 — Hold on a sec. The Emergency Alert System is running a test on my TV. Had this been an actual interruption in the live blog you would have been given instructions as to what brand of duct tape to purchase, along with a diagram the most delicious part of the human body. It looks like LeFevour failed to get in the end zone by [takes guess] throwing the ball over his shoulder and out of bounds, hitting the mascot in a hilarious fashion. As the game comes back into my rectangular screen, Monseiur Antagonisté shanks the three point try.

9:30 — Trey Buice didn't get the memo that he's not supposed to make great coverage plays in the end zone. Incompletion.

9:25 — The defenses in this game are like the British House of Lords. Traditionally they exist, but over time their role has diminished. Already CMU has advanced the ball well past midfield after numerous first downs.

9:18 — A landmark moment for onomatopoeia everywhere. Daniel Ifft — who is not a Monty Python recurring character (yet) — runs into the endzone and catches the tying pass.

17 24

9:16 — Nate Davis is taller than MiQuale Lewis and therefore less of a Rudy figure, but runs down the sideline for 22 yards.

9:14 — Brady Hoke does his best Tom Amstutz impression by going for it on 4th and one on their own 40. No idea how MiQuale Lewis extended that far with his knee on the ground, but regardless the drive continues. By the way, I loved Brady Hoke in "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

9:12 — Nate Davis does a pretty good but not perfect impression of LeFevour. Tackle was made by Frank Zombo, who can do anything he wants.

9:09 — Drop the kickoff. Yes, that's a good way to get your team back in it.

9:05 — Sneeeeeeeeeed.

10 17

9:04 — Sean Baker helps CMU by putting on a Ball State uniform and headbutting a Chippewas guy, perhaps taunting him for silly urine-colored uniforms. Half the distance to the goal.

9:03 — Wide Open Man #312 tonight: Kito Poblah, who didn't score simply because he fell over his own petard.

9:01 — And we're back. Ever just lock yourself in the bathroom and just cry for 20 minutes for no reason? Anyways, back to the action! CMU starts off with the ball.

Halftime Entertainment Video

Pssh. Unions.

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

Second Quarter

8:38 — Welp, forget about Ball State returning this thing at all. Briggs Orsbon questionably lets the ball graze off his fingertips, then he and his boys run back about 15 yards to pounce on it. Kneel, get up, and warm up those calf muscles.

8:36 — The decision to kneel or go for points ends up leaning toward the "Ask Corso" methodology. Two incompletions and a bad run makes CMU punt and Ball State will get the ball back for about 30 seconds.

8:34 — So, did Ray Bentley just admit to beating the shit out of guys outside of football?

8:30 — The microphone appears to be down gain. Dell technicians are standing by... the water cooler, but they'll answer the phone in about 15 ... minutes ... after Conan.

8:29 — Ray Bentley on the cheerleaders jumping up in down on camera: "You get people in front of a camera, they'll do all kinds of things." Oh, say that again. [zzzip]

8:28 — The tension over a 21-yard field goal has never been chillier. Ian McGarvey, who is in no way a bassist for a prog rock band, nails the three points.

10 10

8:26 — Hmm. On 3rd and 4 inside the 10-yard line, perhaps a run was not the way to go.

8:23 — There's the throw by Davis ... and an impromptu game of hackysack breaks out in the end zone. F'in hippies. Incomplete pass, Ball State calls timeout.

8:21 — MiQuale Lewis is Dustin Pedroia in a football uniform. He's tiny. He needs a phone book so he can stand in the huddle and hear the play. When it rains he's the last to know and first to drown. HE'S SHORT, PEOPLE. Henny Youngman, can you think of any other comparatives? Nate Davis scrambles for a while and finally dumps it to Lewis for a nifty gain of 10 or so yards.

8:19 — Myles Trempe drops the long, wide, Linda Lovelace-caliber pass. Trempe, you can do stupid things!

8:18 — Cory Sykes ran for 16 yards, and was tripped up by defender Bobby Seay. The state of Michigan clearly has a monopoly on athletes named Bobby Seay.

8:17 — On the Ball state kickoff return, I give that a 3.4 out of 10 in football fight severity. It had clear battle lines drawn, but no injuries, a few words, and not enough pushing. You can do better, guys.

8:15 — Aguila ties the damsel in distress to the train tracks for three points. Who shall rescue her?

7 10

8:14 — Geek Squad finally fixed the referee's microphone mid-sentence. Somebody's #66 did something wrong. Well just have to wonder.

8:10 — Quick, throw it to Kito Poblah! Even though Derrick Henry just piledrove him into the ground. That's interfering with the pass, which is cheating. And for good measure, the ball caromed off the back of the Ball State defender's helmet. Koink.

8:07 — I feel like a billionaire landed his helicopter on the field and started throwing out first downs to everyone. Or the MAC commissioner put on a blindfold and hit a piñata, spilling first downs and Bit-O-Honeys onto the field. Everyone's moving the chains quite well tonight. Defense is a warm-blooded critter.

8:05 — Third Down Conversionwich? With kettle chips. LeFevour k'nex with Anderson despite the defensive pass interference call.

8:04 — Please, everyone, do not go watch Pushing Daisies.

8:02 — G-G-G-G SACKWICH. Kashawn Frasar hammers Davis to the ground, and Ball State's penalty doesn't help much. Now for the low sodium, but less delicious puntwich.

8:00 — Davis throws it deep, and the refs can't justify any kind of penalty on CMU, so it goes as an incompletion.

7:57 — Instant Message from this girl I'm seeing:

it's the finale of america's next top model, I feel the need to live blog it ... because of this, I hate you.

This is the effect I have on women. Also, WHADDYA MEAN YOU CAN'T GO OUT TOMORROW!?

7:54 — Joe Bockheim is hurt. BUT HE CAUGHT THE TOUCHDOWN! Also, he's kind of hurt. Nah, he'll hop back up (with the help of two pulling arms) and let the Sinister Viscount Aguila do his sweet, sweet thang for the PAT.

7 7

7:52 — FOURTH AND GUTS. LeFevour sneaks into the gullets of 10 large dudes, which is my kind of a Wednesday night. He pokes the ball past the accurate-not-accurate yellow line for a new set o' downs.

7:51 — That's better than falling down™. LeFevour to Bryan Anderson for eight yards.

First Quarter

7:46 — LeFevour hits the NCAA equivalent of a Mario Kart banana peel and tumbles for about a half-yard gain.

7:46 — Back to back extremely wide open CMU men catch large passes for first downs.

7:43 — So far I must say ESPN is treating this game with the respect it deserves. A 17th-ranked team against an unranked is generally a so-so game on the national radar. But they realize this game is HUGE for both of these teams, and are staying on topic accordingly. Of course, for all I know they have Mike Leach waiting on Line 2 to discuss their game on Saturday in the third quarter.

7:39 — Louis Johnson was extremely open. Nate Davis recognizes. Seven points. Respec'.

7 0

7:38 — MiQuale Lewis does his best Antonio Brown impression of Dan LeFevour. Loss of a bunch.

7:37 — Who says bloggers aren't journalists? The commenters are having a raging discussion on what font the uniforms are using. They'll get their own Sunday column if they can correctly guess what point size the numbers are.

7:33 — Todd Harris: "I'm not sure who's injured because I can't see the number. It could be Sean Murnane but I could be wrong so I won't speculate. Even though I just did." It was Casey Droscha. But that's OK. All white lineman look alike.

7:32 — The referees were reminded that defenses can also commit personal fouls, so they begin the trend with calling a late hit call on CMU. Also, sorry about not calling the mask earlier. Ball State is 22 yards away from a touchdown.

7:30 — Bummerville. MiQuale Lewis's enormous run gets trimmed immensely by a holding call downfield. (That's Ball State's first penalty in four games.) The ball goes back about 20 yards to the further 42-yard line.

7:26 — Oh, Andrew Aguila, that's a tremendous player mug shot you have:

Ha! Never get a 17th century swashbuckling villain as your placekicker. Aguila shanks the field goal, keeping the game nice, scoreless, and tidy (not to mention nipple-crinkling freezing).

7:24 — Antonio Brown does a horrible LeFevour impression. The direct snap loses five yards. Also, he does not roll his R's.

7:24 — "Aw hell, nothing's working. Just keep running it, Dan." "K, coach."

7:22 — The designed "fuck it, just run up the middle" play works for LeFevour for over 10 yards and a first.

7:19 — Gak. Disgusting three-and-out for Ball State. Fitting. Almost karmic.

7:18 — Maybe during the commercial, Butch Jones made a plea bargain with the referees to kick Nate Davis in the testicles.

7:14 — Kenny Meeks was trying to get a sample of LeFevour's cheek cells for his biology project. That or he just yanked on the mask. But the official ruling is: holding on CMU? That's probably the opposite of what happened. Any neck damage done to CMU's quarterback was purely coincidental and/or the result of hypochondriac propaganda.

7:12 — Huddles are for queers and Luxembourgians. CMU will just keep running play after play. Speeding up the game in the no-huddle offense? Good idea. But ... delay of game. Never mind.

7:10 — Ontario Sneed is an impact player for CMU, according to ESPN. That implies they'll actually use him as much as they should. And that, there, is why they won't. LeFevour avoids sacks and sashays through oncoming Muncieans for the first down.

7:09 — I was looking for Dan LeFevour and Tim Tebow, but we have a LeFevour-Vince Young comparison instead. The night is young.

7:08 — So much for bursting out of the gates and flowing strong. The drive became constipated at midfield.

7:06 — Well, that's a start. 24-yard reception from Nate Davis to the wideliest of wide open Darius Hill.

7:05 — See, this is why mid-major games are great. They say 7 p.m., and it kicks off five minutes later. No drawn out pre-game show. The World Series and movie theaters could learn from these kinds of games.

7:04 — Oh wow. CMU has opted for "Vegas gold" uniforms, which is euphemism for "piss yellow." What a bunch of maroons.

7:02 — Todd Harris and Ray Bentley are the messengers tonight in the booths. And there's scenery of the football zamboni plowing midfield to get the snow off. Don Shula can't be happy about that.

7:00 — A montage to the tune of "For Those About To Rock" by AC/DC. I'm rocking, and they're saluting me! For once I feel part of a community now.

Pre-Game Babble

0 0

I've live blogged two NFL games and UNC-Kentucky basketball this week. To this day I have not yet decided why I agreed to that. But of all the events this week, this one tonight excites me the most. Yes, because Ball State is a teeny tiny school with big hopes and dreams of one day shedding its wooden torso and becoming a real football program. But also because, shit, it's MAC football. It's my conference. I didn't go to a Big Ten school so I'm not going to pretend I'm a Big Ten fanboy.

I haven't gotten a chance to see much MAC football this year. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault. While enjoying an overtime game between Akron and Kent State earlier this year, the local cable provider abruptly cut the feed to switchover to the start of the Michigan game. There's not much room in this crazy BCS world for a little boy and his medium-sized conference football. And all it took was the Mid-American folks to sell out and jury rig their schedule to play on prominent nights like Tuesday and Wednesday. We're comin' for ya, Dr. House, you cane-wielding limey poser.

Now to the game. A CMU win guarantees a spot in the MAC championship game, while Ball State needs to win this game and the showdown with Western Michigan next week to sweep the regular season. If they win those two, and the MAC championship against Bowling Green (humor me here), then Ball State will probably play in the BCS Title game against Ohio State. As long as I've gone this far, let me also share that I just made $53,000 on the stock market by investing in a company that makes your penis double in size. SCIENCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Bingo Card

* * * * *

Second Half

11:06 — So hey, that's all for tonight, but thanks to the five of you who read everything I typed. Including the following word: clothespins.

11:04 — The most esoteric reference at the end for Vitale was Lionel Ritchie, which was a pretty solid stream of consciousness to get there. Also, he said tonight is why "North Carolina is uno number one." I highly recommend the #1 combo at Uno. Cheese pizza and breadsticks. Mmm.

58 77

11:02 — Yeah, Zeller looks like his hand bent the incorrect way.

10:59 — Tyler Zeller gets fouled rather mightily by Ramon Harris. As Zeller struggles to find the rest of his facial organs, we're reminded that his brothers were good basketball players too. This is the Tinkerbell Theory in that if you talk about a player's dossier enough, he'll get better via audience participation.

10:58 — Somehow. SOMEHOW. Vitale sneaks in a Tim Tebow mention with under three minutes in the game.

10:57 — By the way, Deon Thompson fouled out with 20 points and 8 rebounds.

10:55 — You think I have it bad? Kansas is leading Florida Gulf Coast University 81-39 with a few minutes left in the game. Good thing that wasn't on TV.

10:54 — The cameras bravely found Ashley Judd among, somehow, UNC fans. Apparently she made a pact that if Obama won North Carolina, she would sit in the students section in this game.

10:50 — Silly foul there by Ed Davis. What kind of lapse in cranial judgment would you call that, gang? Live blog timeout.

51 68

10:47 — Shulman: "Digger has 78 teams in the tournament and you have 12 teams in the top five." Because of that, Shulman among the top three broadcasters I've ever watched.

10:45 — A letter from Mike Krzyzewski to Michael Jordan. When does that go on eBay? Either way, get your paint and stamp MJ's name like you mean it.

10:42 — Not like it's going to happen, but in actual game scoring news, Kentucky is 13 points away from a tie.

10:40 — Vitale gave Obama an "average" rating of basketball ability, probably the most condemning review of hoops skills ever doled out by Dickie V. in the last 20 minutes

10:38 — Still awaiting a mental breakdown. At this point just seeing one might convince me to mark it. Hell, hearing Tom Petty's "Breakdown" might elicit me to mark it.

46 64

10:34 — Also, Vitale has great things to say about his co-worker, Dan Shulman, who's one of the best. Everything's a good thing. Even badness is good because it makes good things gooder.

10:33 — Everybody's good with this character. Expect some huge praise for SIU-Edwardsville if this thing goes to overtime.

10:32 — If you didn't notice that, Vitale had three degrees of compliments:

1. Pittsburgh. They're good because they beat:
2. Miami of Ohio. They're good because they played well against
3. UCLA. If he would have mentioned John Wooden, it'd be the rarified four degrees of compliments. Currently HDTV does not support such complexity of laudatory commentary.

10:31 — "Will this be the year" that a non-major school makes it to the Final Four? I guess it's already been handed down from above that George Mason has always been a legendary basketball powerhouse.

10:28 — Derek Jeter doesn't need to be a spokesman for a deodorant. It's not like if he forgets to cover up his sweat smell, he won't have a threesome.

39 55

10:25 — Have two nouns not in the game ever been mentioned more in a 2-hour span? Tyler Hansbrough and VMI are sure getting their audio's worth.

10:23 — Breaking update: I am a horrible person. The black "K" on the uniform is for Bill Keightley, longtime UK equipment manager, who passed away in March.

10:20 — I need a timeout to compose myself.

31 45

10:17 — A twist: the Rays WERE mentioned. But it took Dan Shulman, not the Tampa native, to knock the bingo spot down. WE ARE ONE "MENTAL BREAKDOWN" FROM THE FIRST EVER BINGO, PEOPLE.

10:16 — The latest on Hansbrough's injury, here's Erin Andrews. Her first words: "Again, just to reiterate..." Stay tune for the latest same report in ten minutes.

10:15 — Understanding the reference, can UNC's Wayne Ellington still be nicknamed, albeit off-the-cuff, "Duke?" Or is this a Dick Vitale pajama fantasy?

10:13 — Again, in case you didn't know, Kentucky played VMI in their first game. (Spoiler: VMI was the WINNER!)

10:12 — Tyler Zeller was called for a foul of Not Being Tyler Hansbrough.

10:09 — Erin Andrews was rather taken aback by Coach Gillispie's "spirited" speech, little of which she can evidently repeat. Here's to hoping the compound swear words were plentiful. A rumor that one of the words was "fuckhammer" would make my evening.

Halftime Entertainment Video

[speechless, twitching, shivering, a bit sleepy]

First Half

9:52 — The first half ended in the exact same minute this bag of Baked Ruffles just became empty. It's a sign.

25 41

9:48 — Wait. Did they just say Dick Vitale's going to broadcast an NBA game? The fuck? Am ... am I dead?

9:46 — Kentucky: 17 turnovers, 21 points. The entire team already has a double-double in the first half.

9:45 — VMI is getting so many mentions, you'd think Mike Krzyzewski was named their new head coach.

9:42 — UNC is clinging to that somethingteen lead as we reach the next media timeout. Media includes liveblogs. This break is taken specifically for me. I'm honored.

21 38

9:41 — Southwest Baptist beat Utah, causing Vitale to Google where the school was located.

9:39 — Dickie V. wants college players to stay for three years minimum in college, because he hates parity and wants Kansas, Duke, UNC and UCLA in the Final Four every year.

9:37 — Erin Andrews reports on Roy Williams finding out about three players coming back for another year, and imagining what it'd be like for UNC if they weren't here. God, they'd be, like, sixth. Terrifying!

9:35 — And a longer 3-point line. En fuego. Vitale: "look at all those lines!" Yes, there are two. HOW CAN YOU KEEP TRACK OF THAT MANY?

9:33 — Pedroia. Count it.

9:31 — Enjoying the eight-minute timeout break, they are.

15 31

9:30 — Okay, Ed Davis had a crazy slick save out of bounds, that turned into a 3-point bucket. Even I, made of cardiac stone, can appreciate that.

9:27 — Lookit that. Kentucky's only down 11. I say that with a thick streak of optimism that this game won't devolve into what Hansbrough had for lunch Thursday. (Spoiler: Greek salad!)

9:26 — Also, Marcus Ginyard is a UNC player who is out with an injury. CUE THE STORIES ABOUT HIM!

9:23 — Out of the TV timeout, back to talking how awesome it'd be if Tyler Hansbrough wasn't injured. (Spoiler: very awesome!)

9:20 — Jodie Meeks' 3-pointer out of the break narrows the lead by 15.8 percent. Sure makes it sound monumental, don't it? They're still down sixteen.

9:20 — Timeout, Kentucky. "I've seen better passing in Ultimate Basketball." (Christ, that game was hard.)

6 25

9:19 — HEY STOP STEALING THE BALL AND DUNKING, I CAN'T TYPE THAT FAST.

9:19 — Another Kentucky turnover. I'm going to cut that sentence into my clipboard.

9:17 — Now Kentucky gets a steal, and somehow relays it to Patrick "Pat" Patterson for a dunk.

9:16 — I'm having trouble counting the UK turnovers. Afraid it'll put me to sleep.

9:15 — Hey! The Wildcats doubled their points. Good on them.

9:11 — TV timeout. At least it's still within two touchdowns.

2 15

9:10 — UNC finally makes a mistake and blows a fastbreak layup.

9:09 — Gah. "Dancing With The Stars." I knew I was forgetting something. But "dancing with Erin Andrews" certainly qualifies for the hotness square.

9:08 — Deon Thompson forcefully stuffed Roman Harris's attempt at points. I'm going to pretend the blue uniforms are Butler jerseys in the hopes that this game is close.

9:06 — They're already bored with this 8-2 rout that they're talking about when Hansbrough will return. Good thing nothing else is happening in the arena tonight except for the healing of muscle tissue.

9:05 — Six points for UNC and it we haven't even played two minutes of gametime yet. UNC and VMI for the national championship?

9:03 — And Kentucky's uniform has the "K" a different color than the rest of the lettering why? Because UCLA started it?

9:02 — Sure was nice of Kentucky to make their warmup unis out of discarded golf polo shirts. Recycling!

8:56 — Wuh-oh. Shulman and Vitale showed up with the same haircut. Also, a Vitale editorial: college basketball is very good. Note: the views and opinions expressed by the analysts do not necessarily represent the opinions of ESPN and its family of networks.

8:55 — Correction. Bob Knight just yelled "Yokohama Sea Lions." He is giving it his all.

8:50 — Rece Davis: suit. Hubert Davis: suit. Jay Bilas: suit. Digger Phelps: suit. Bob Knight: comfy green sweater. I know he he has a naturally deadpan personality, but it sure looks like Bob Knight would rather be fishing.

Pre-Game Babble

Yes, that photo up there is Rasheed Wallace in his early fighting days. My, how he's grown up since.

Will the game be interesting? Who the hell knows. These programs are 1-2 in most wins all time in NCAA history, so for a college game in November, this is as marquee as it gets. The Department of Homeland Security is issuing a Film Noir Montage Code Red for this game. Adolph Rupp's name might come up.

Anyways, Hansbrough may be out for the game, but the history of both teams will be the storyline here. Tar Heels blog Carolina March basically says the same thing, although ... wait ... "Aye Zigga Zoomba Zoomba Zay?" THAT's your tagline? That's OUR tagline. (Sort of.) No, BGSU predates 1950, so I hereby demand half of UNC's national championships be transferred directly into Bowling Green's record books. Thank you in advance.

Projected Starting Lineups

North Carolina

G Ty Lawson, offspring of a notable NFL cornerback
G Wayne "Menthol" Ellington
F Danny "The Patch" Green
F Deon "Unfiltered" Thompson
C Tyler "Reasonably-Minded T" Zeller

Kentucky

G Michael "Sky" Porter
G Jodie "Delk" Meeks
F Patrick "Mashburn" Patterson
F Perry "Tayshaun" Stevenson
F Ramon "Bowie" Harris

Bingo Card

This will also be my first time live blogging a Dick Vitale-broadcasted event, whom you may remember was the inspiration for Thought Bingo. So this one required a ton of randomness and almost prompted another exponential layer of squares, giving us 36.

LATE ADDITION: Storming The Floor wanted me to include "Kentucky's neon-blue checkerboard uniforms," which I must say is not only a good idea, but also my first bingo request. So consider this a wild card space. If this one is mentioned, close your eyes and throw a dart at the computer screen. Mark off wherever it lands.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:55 — The Browns kneel down on the final play, as if they quit.

I have nothing else to say tonight, other than if these teams were any better and/or in bigger markets, it'd be the talk of the town tomorrow morning. Instead, the Great Lakes area will get to embrace this game as their own. See everyone next liveblog, except for those who don't pay their cable bill.

11:52 — Once Buffalo finds out that MNF mentioned Scott Norwood before this kick, they're probably going to write several angry letters to ESPN. Did I mention the letters will be frozen solid and without personality? The 46-yard miss gives the Browns the win, avoiding another 13-point blown lead. Aww, too bad.

11:52 — Lynch runs. Browns call ... your mom.

11:51 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:50 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:49 — Jaws: "You don't have to get all this in one throw." But what if he does? Edwards zings it to the 35-yard line and now Lindell has the chance to win the game. Cue the footage of Lindell making FGs this long before the game. Ah, right on schedule.

11:48 — With 1:33 left, the Bills need to goal the field themselves. And in the Thanksgiving spirit, the Browns brought with them from the Cuyahoga a plump turkey, stuffing, and great field position on the kickoff. Buffalo's on the 44-yard line.

11:46 — Cue the footage of kickers teeing off before the game ... now cue the footage of the kicker pulling it right ... hey! Who gave Dawson the ability to nail that one? The 56-yarder inches the Browns ahead by two. MORE FIELD GOALS.

29 27

11:45 — Second and third down weren't much better either. Dawson needs to blast it from a semi-wind-aided 56 yards away.

11:44 — And now for the two-minute drill ... an auspicious start as it rattles in the arms of the Bills' Leodis McKelvin and drops to the ground.

11:41 — How was Quinn not sacked? (A: Nobody hit him.) Quinn to Winslow brings a warning that only two minutes remain in the game. The National Weather Service has not yet downgraded this to a Two Minute Watch.

11:39 — Cribbs gives the Browns a 33-yard line of possession. 2:17 left.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #4
A 10-minute, sudden death, 7-on-7, no punts or field goals, no timeouts, no clock stoppage session of football. But the real twist is that the game will have already been declared a tie after four quarters, but since the players don't know that, and seem to do whatever the coaches say, it'll make for quite the exciting session of football and subsequent hilarious post-game conference.

11:37 — The Browns let them score.

26 27

11:36 — There's 2:35 left in the game. Maybe the Browns should just let them score.

11:35 — Now it's Marshawn Lynch's turn to run through the Brownsicles and dive for the endzone. He's ruled down at the one. Ew. "Brownsicle."

11:33 — The Williams have five minutes to touch it down. They're already past midfield.

11:31 — Do you like incompletions to Braylon Edwards that were well covered? Because we have two in a row for you! Act now, operators are standing by. Well, some are.

11:25 — Interception .. this time by the non-Trent Edwards developing quarterback. Ko Simpson dives gracefully and picks that shit off Quinn's arm. OR DID I JUST LIE TO YOU? Replays show the ball might've hit the ground between his arms. Cleveland's challenge is successful and the pass is just incomplete, and Trent Edwards is the only goat who throws picks in this game. Quinn is perfect, glimmering, and ... I shouldn't be having these feelings inside me right now.

11:21 — Great Moments In Punting History: Cribbs fair catching Moorman's kick will not be one of them. It was just meh.

11:19 — Great Moments In Obscure Stat History. Apparently a Stanford quarterback has never thrown a touchdown pass to a Cal-Berkeley player in the NFL, Tirico notes. (Kornheiser: "EVER!?!?!") If Edwards can dump one off to Lynch, that trend will end.

11:16 — Trying to prevent a huge gain by McKelvin, they pop up the kickoff and Fred Jackson returns it to the 40-yard line. Field position crisis averted!

11:13 — A point blank shot by Phil Dawson gives 'em a two-field goal lead.

26 20

11:12 — You felt this happening deep in your pancreas. Fourth and goal.

11:10 — And a nation outside of Cleveland is finally finding out who this Jerome Harrison guy is. He already has a career high in rushing yards (80) and gets a 21-yard catch down the sideline.

11:07 — Oh my. Kawika Mitchell pushes Harrison out of bounds and into a bench. Harrison stayed on the ground for a while, and Mitchell brings the flagginess for 15 yards. Thing is, replays show Harrison was still in bounds when the shove occurred. Per rule, Dwyane Wade will get two free throws.

11:07 — And back to incomplete passes by Brady Quinn. BOR-RING.

11:06 — Actually, the referees correct the kickoff play and since it went out of bounds at the 43-yard line, the ball will be placed there. Three yards of gain already and the ball hasn't been touched yet.

11:05 — That's not a touchdown. That's a kickoff out of bounds, which puts the ball at the 40-yard line. It also is currently the worst yardage gain by the Browns so far in the fourth.

11:02 — Sweet Klondike madness. Everybody is running great distances except for me. Leodis McKelvin responds to the 72-yard KO punch with a left hook of his own in the form of a kickoff TD. Two plays this quarter, two touchdowns. If this keeps up, we're looking at a 113-110 final score, which I can safely say will probably happen.

23 20

10:58 — Mildly ... unexpected. Backup back Jerome Harrison bursts through a bunch of Billsicles for 72 yards and a safe 10-point lead.

23 13

Third Quarter

10:56 — Romeo Crennel's mustache looks over-trimmed. Did anyone tell him this? Or is he just such a players' coach that nobody has the heart to tell him it doesn't look as venerable.

10:52 — Tirico: "No team has ever blown three straight 13-point leads." Go, history, go!

10:49 — Field goals just RULE. They should change the rules so that nothing but field goals can be scored. Lindell brings the Bills to within ... ANOTHER FIELD GOAL.

16 13

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #3
Final Jeopardy. Category: "Innovations In Nanotechnology." All part of a plan to make tiebreakers shorter than if the category was "NFL Rules." Also, players answering the question must wager Madden Rating points in next year's video game.

10:44 — I'm going to mark down "Tony Tries To Find Something Jaws Doesn't Know About Football" as Kornheiser poses the thought that a quarterback can have "too much time" in the pocket. (It didn't work, as you can tell.)

10:42 — It's too cold for anyone to slide feet first, it seems. Edwards scrambles down the middle and gets whumped. But it doesn't count, as offsetting penalties replay the down. Which means Edwards doesn't have a huge throbbing pain in his head right now. It didn't happen.

10:41 — I'm no lip-reader, but I'm pretty sure the field mic just picked up an errant "fucking horseshit" on that kick return.

10:37 — Just when Jaworski says anything disapproving or commending of either quarterback, either QB seems to negate the analysis and do the opposite ting in the next set of downs. Case in point, after a huge pass to Edwards near the 20-yard line, Quinn got his team into a 3rd and 17 hole, so they salvage a field goal.

16 10

10:34 — It sure was nice of Comcast to show the same James Bond commercial twice in a row.

10:30 — Quinn, with ample tracts of land ahead of him, runs for the first down, and gets out of bounds in the Bills sideline. He'll come to learn as a quarterback that you'll last longer if you run toward your own sideline.

10:26 — Interception by the Brow... wait, fumble? I didn't know there was another method of turnover that Buffalo was capable of. Shaun Smith's injury replacement Ahtyba Rubin jumps on the dropped ball.

10:24 — Shaun Smith was the injured Brown, adding him to the triage list with Sean Jones, who was hurt earlier. This leaves Shaun Rogers as the first string Shaun on the team. And, aw what the hell, why not throw in a fat joke. He's also the team's second-string Shaun.

10:23 — This injury timeout reminds me the decapitation rate in this game seems to be considerably lower than other MNF games.

10:17 — On third down, Winslow with a huge if-there-was-no-penalty-that'd-be-a-first-down catch.

10:15 — And we're back to action. Both quarterbacks are shaky, and Michel Tafoya stands on a sideline with a microphone to say this through the coach's words. Also, Mike Tirico uses the rosiness of Tafoya's nose to determine the weather on the field. He also uses the same tactic in the bedroom. Rawr.

Halftime Entertainment Video

If only this clip was the origin of the idiom "walking on eggshells." It is, however, the origin of "they'll put anyone on TV."

Old Man Jumps On Eggs Without Breaking Them - Watch more Free Videos

"Oh yes, it's definitely been jumped on." My goal tomorrow is to use that line, WITH the affected accent, in conversation without arousing suspicion.

Second Quarter

9:59 — Well then. It's almost like Edwards wanted the clock to run out. I mean, that's good protection by the offensive line, but ... how about giving the field goal a chance? He finally throws the ball out of bounds with three seconds left, giving Rian Lindell three more points on his resume to end the half.

13 10

9:57 — Hmm. Edwards got some yards, but running up the middle for 4 yards probably isn't the smartest call right now. He also hesitates to call a timeout, because, well, maybe there's a better option with 15 seconds left in the first half and the clock running. Like punt.

9:55 — Lynch dives for the outlet pass, gets back up and scrambles to the sideline for the first down, stopping the clock with :30 left.

9:54 — WILDCAT FORMATION. What iPhones are to bloggers, Wildcat is to NFL offenses. It's new, and because it's new it's better than everything else.

9:53 — The Bills have two minutes and about 30 yards to get some kind of pointage. Running it with Marshawn Lynch ... good idea, but not right now. They might have to use the forward pass now.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #2
Penalty kicks. Kickers alternate making field goals starting at 30 yards and adding five yards every time. In the event both kickers make a 60 yard field goal, the kickers meet at midfield and have declare a thumb war.

9:49 — There's a raging debate on what the meaning of the word "quit" is, and whether or not the Browns fit that description. Might I remind everyone, the Browns lead a football game by six points on the road against a team with a winning record.

9:40 — Apple pie à la Beast Mode. The short pass turns into a moderately-long touchdown, and it's no longer an icy blowout.

13 7

9:39 — Unfortunately, Kornheiser said what I was thinking, only I couldn't make it into a joke, but he up 'n went with the "Coe-Ed" angle.

9:38 — Solid run by Coe College's Fred Jackson. Those MNF guys really like saying Coe College. Coe College. Hey, that is fun!

9:36 — SPORTSCENTERNEWSDESK UPDATE. In case you were hiding in your Avian flu bunker all day, Mark Cuban is being investigated for insider trading. Then again, is it REALLY privileged information that a search engine not named Google or Yahoo would quickly tank?

9:33 — Finally, a quarterback for the Browns scores a touchdown in this game. No, not that one. Endaround to The Pride Of Kent State, Josh Cribbs, is good for a 2-yard TD.

13 0

9:30 — Also, Jamal Lewis runs well even today. Didn't know that.

9:26 — Stop the snark, everyone. Quinn is leading these dudes downfield quite well. A photon laser to Braylon Edwards puts the ball on the good 32-yard line.

9:23 — Finally, the Browns got themselves a third down. And all it took was a penalty on the Bills' secondary. Really, this game's just about seeing who fucks up less. Maybe the Browns would be wise to just kneel thrice and punt.

9:22 — Jeez, the Browns sure know how to reach third down quickly. (It's one of their positives.)

First Quarter

9:19 — Great coffin punt by Moorman to pin the ball inside the 5-yard line. Really, if the team was just Moorman punting to McKelvin, they'd be down by fewer points right now. Also, see if you can spot the difference, Tony K.: George Catavalous, defensive backs coach. George Costanza, freelance architect.

9:18 — Well, that incompletion wasn't Edwards' fault. But it's less fun if we don't have a scapegoat.

9:16 — I kid Trent Edwards, but he no longer has more interceptions than he does completions. Because now, they're the same number (three).

9:16 — Leodis McKelvin gets another solid return. Maybe he should just line up at quarterback. Might as well.

9:14 — Another field goal for Cleveland, because getting a touchdown would be silly and rude.

6 0

9:12 — Mr. Owl, how many interceptions does it take to get a Tootsie quarterback benched?

(Brandon McDonald got this one.)

9:11 — Buffalo takes a 30-second timeout. They have 30-second timeouts? That'll be confusing if they have those in the playoffs.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #1
Teams line up at midfield, and whichever referee blew the worst call the week before will flip a coin in the air, and the home team captain must call it in the air. Whoever wins the toss gets to pick which team wins and loses. The other team picks what side of the field they want to defend.

9:06 — Gak. Coming out of commercial, the camera found a the shirtless Buffalo fan who painted a Bills logo on his chest, then emptied out the last few drops of his shame by brandishing "ESPN" in red letters (catsup, most likely) on his belly. Don't ask where the "Sportscenter is Next" tattoo resides.

9:03 — Brian Moorman generously kicks the ball to the other team. So much for running the ball all the time. Shaun Rogers is just too fat for that to work.

9:02 — Could just be my cable feed, but during every play it sounds like someone is banging a screen door with a rubber mallet.

9:00 — As Kornheiser brings up Edwards' concussion, the evidence on the field contradicts the argument that his dinged up head is the reason for the two early picks. Clearly he's thinking soundly by handing the ball to Marshawn Lynch, preventing more interceptions. First down.

8:58 — Third and nope. The points are going to have to spring from Phil Dawson's kickin' loins.

3 0

8:52 — Quinn isn't gonna be anyone's whipping boy, he'll just bootleg that sucker to the right for a first down ... of course, Jaworski recommends that Quinn slide feet first, but that's something he'll quickly learn once Rodney Harrison disciples award Quinn his first NFL concussion sometime in 2009.

8:49 — Andra Davis gets in on the interception gangbang. Receptions by the Browns defense: 2. Receptions by the Bills offense: 1.

8:47 — Sure was nice of Willie McGinest to tackle Edwards forward for a yard.

8:44 — Brady Quinn sneaks an incomplete pass into the Browns first three-and-out, which is hopefully enough to subside the analysts ready to scrutinize his development.

8:42 — The Bills start with a good kickoff return, but felt they didn't deserve such nice field position, so Trent Edwards threw the ball into Shaun Rogers' hands, and it deflected into the gullet of an alert Kamerion Wimbley.

8:33 — Kornheiser: "Derek Anderson's QB rating was so low, if it was his body temperature, he'd be dead!" Either that or he'd have to marry this woman.

8:29 — The can't-get-a-football-job-anywhere-else guys in ESPN have made their predictions. It's almost a consensus pick for Buffalo, except for Keyshawn Johnson, who picked Cleveland because Ditka picked Buffalo. It's tough to argue that logic.

Pre-Game Babble

So Brady Quinn gets another start at night. Playing under the lights might be all he'll understand. Once he gets into the 1:00 fustercluck of games, and ESPN doesn't converge mob-style on his emergence as an NFL passer, perhaps he shrivels like a delicate flower and Tim Couchifies right on schedule.

Meanwhile, Buffalo is 5-4 and yet in last place in the AFC East by very little. A win puts them in 6-4, tied with New England and Miami, and one game behind the New Amsterdam Jets. Everybody's equal? I didn't sign up for no Animal Farm metaphor. Parity is only fun when you're playing Mario Kart and all the computer players keep beating each other and you can finish third all the time and still win the gold.

Also, it's cold in Buffalo tonight, which is urgent news. In preparation for being one with the common Buffalo fan, I will ice down my nipples after each change of possession.

Let's Fix The Tie Rule Tonight

If you've watched any TV or listened to any TV-less radio today, you will realize that the tie rule in the NFL is a travesty upon humanity and must be abolished immediately, because our ancestors sailed away from Europe for this very reason. True story. Someone must win or lose all the time. Even if both teams played great and the announcer says "you hate to see someone lose this game," the announcer is wrong and probably a dirty Welshman. Therefore, to do our part to stay part of North America, stay tuned throughout the live blog as we provide new and fun alternatives for breaking ties in the National Football League.

Tonight's Bingo Card

* * * * *

Pre-Game Babble

Which over-dramatized headline is worse for America:

"What's Wrong With The Dallas Cowboys?"
"So We're All In Agreement, The Cowboys Are Super Bowl Champions, Right?"
"Tony Romo: Is He Having Good Intercourse On His Bye Week?"
"Is Current Cowboys Head Coach Going To Be Fired?"

Trick question. It doesn't really matter how strong or sucky the Cowboys team is, the team with the star is going to be the dominant story on varions weeks when they don't deserve it. Fortunately Brett Favre's post-retirement retirement party seems to be taking the minds off the non-1980s soap opera known as Dallas. (Yes, fortunately.) The Titans could go to 13-0 and most news outlets would still be analyzing Terrell Owens' stool in a lab to detect any illnesses and whether or not it will affect team chemistry.

Also, Redskins. They're 6-3, one game better than Dallas. Bohh-ring.

Not boring? Environmentally-friendly corporate redesigns. It appears that NBC is promoting Green Week by making their signature peacock logo green as well as every other NBC-affiliated logo. See, here it is:

Damn. I wonder how much extra time graphic designers' computers stayed on to make those logos. Whatever the cost, it's inspired me to help pitch in and save the world from the ice caps melting and turning into water-based leviathans who destroy our coastal towns with smog-shaped pitchforks and styrofoam packing peanuts. So in honor of Green Week, I will hereby recycle old jokes from previous live blogs.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Cowboys: 0-1
Redskins: Does preseason count? No? Then they've never played in one.

Fourth Quarter

11:11 — The Redskins are 0-10 all-time on November 16. CURS3D!!1

In other game-related news, it's over and now the Cowboys are auxiliary NFC favorites should the Giants storyline become banal and/or Eli Manning throws two interceptions.

See you at the next live weblog, provided your contribution to Green Week doesn't involve viewing fewer Internet pages.

11:08 — Michaels: "Barber is the reliever AND the starting pticher." Which makes it a complete game, if you're a purist when it comes to metaphors. But seriously, Marion Barber was able to work his way out of five walks and seven hits, striking out 11.

"Daddy? I wuv you thiiiiiis much!"

11:07 — "Dad? What should I—" "Dog nambit, son, just have the colored boy run right."

11:05 — Dallas doesn't convert the third down, so they'll run it down to 1:08 then weigh their options. Obvious exits are NORTH, EAST, and FIELD GOAL.

11:00 — Romo to Barber, first down, 2:22 left and counting. This appears over, and all they need to figure out if they want to go with Animality, Babality, or Friendship.

10:57 — Brad Johnson is Jamie Moyer, Chase Utley is Jason Witten, Ryan Howard is DeMarcus Ware, Shane Victorino is Shaun Suisham ... damn you, Al Michaels, for this brainstorm exercise.

10:57 — And there we have the world's first Marion Barber-Brad Lidge parallel. This means that Wade Phillips is, you guessed it, Matt Stairs.

10:55 — Observe:

"Eww, you can see his butt!" (Associated Press photo)

10:54 — "Wham" is not "Whap." But if you have 75 percent of a bingo marker that broke in an earlier live blog, feel free to place it down.

10:54 — Time for the Cowboys to grab the clock by the neck and choke it until it bleeds down to about three minutes.

10:51 — It's 4th and 4 on the Cowboysian 37 with 6:46 left. Go for it? Kick it? Punt it? Buy a vowel? Zorn tells his boys to go for it, and I don't think the first down marker is out of bounds, so the Cowboys regain the ball on downs.

10:48 — Devin Thomas can fill in for Jose Theodore if needed, because he deflected pass off his own hands quite well and prevented it from getting by him.

10:45 — Portis limps off to the field, and Shaun Alexander is equally effective as Clinton Portis ... wearing a lead codpiece running over a Persian carpet made entirely out of magnets.

10:44 — Santana Moss runs deep, looks back for the ball, and bravely bats it away.

10:39 — And the go-ahead touchdown is caught by a guy that even Al Michaels had to check the printout to see who he was. Rookie Martellus Bennett nabs his second touchdown of the season and suddenly his fantasy ownership increased from 0.1% to 0.3%.

14 10

10:37 — Nobody's quite sure how Romo was able to shovelshuffleshuttle that ball into the hands of scat-blues legend Miles Austin. John Madden is calling it the "push pass." Michaels is hoping Madden just invented a new word, which is actually two words. No, this isn't a new word(s).

10:37 — Does Jason Witten have bad pinkies? No? Then that 2nd down drop was his own fault.

10:33 — Romo has 155 yards so far on 16 of 23 passes, but to be fair 135 of those yards are attributed to his pinky finger. He's looking to get his team into field goal range, and then maybe not throw an interception.

10:32 — Maybe this last quarter is where all the action is. And we begin with ... a punt.

Third Quarter

10:28 — Zzzzzzz.... [snarl, mumble, twitch] Wh-wha? What happened? Ah, yes. Exciting game, this is. A 10-7 thriller.

10:22 — Strangely, Marion Barber now has more rushing yards than Hall-of-Famer Bronko Nagurski, making Barber the most prolific rusher from the University of Minnesota. This means something apparently, because the Dallas Cowboys rushing game is almost exactly the same as that of the Chicago Bears of the 1930s. Only with, naturally, less asbestos.

10:19 — See that foot? That's a Bowling Green foot. And the foot kicks the ball well short of three points. Still ... hell of a leg.

10:18 — The West Coast passing game only works if you don't actually act like a West coast athlete and lob the ball laterally like a hacky sack.

10:15 — Split cam on Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder. Al: "It's hard to believe Snyder bought the team in the late '90s." Why, did Snyder run a small dot-com business out of his flat?

10:10 — As the Cowboys drive, let's take a look at something new. How about the status of Tony Romo's pinky sling?

10:06 — Wait. How did Terence Newman intercept that pass when Tony Romo was on the sideline? That must mean ... no ... someone else other than Tony Romo threw that interception? Say it ain't!

10:02 — Antwaan Randle El, do you want to throw the ball out of bounds for once? Sure, here you go.

9:58 — Rock Cartwright didn't like being exonerated on special teams, so he decided to muff the kickoff out of bounds inside the 15-yard line and go back into the doghouse.

Halftime Entertainment

This skit is the reason why Eli Manning doesn't open his door at night.

Second Quarter

9:41 — A modest drive sets up a go-ahead field goal by Bowling Green legendary kicker Shaun Suisham with four seconds left. That's enough time to scrutinize the touchback call, probably, twice.

7 10

9:39 — Rock Cartwright atones with a kickoff return past midfield. And no, Rock Cartwright was not one of the names for Lt. Ryder from Space Mutiny. In fact, here they are.

9:38 — Michaels finally gets to what I've been clamoring about all this time, regarding the touchback play that seems to be the highlight of the night. If Cartwright just tapped the ball gently instead of scooping it up as if it were a newborn on train tracks, they'd have properly downed it. All of this is moot, however; you know you're watching a boring game when the play of the night resulted in a touchback.

9:34 — Barber tested, Bum approved. Running touchdown. OR MAYBE IT'S NOT. But it was. Shame on you for questioning it.

7 7

9:32 — Two minutes left, and Romo and Owens realize that maybe 7-0 isn't a great score for this game to remain at halftime. T.O. catches and runs inside the 5-yard line.

9:27 — Madden is unimpressed with Romo's release on the ball. Find your helmet, Brooks Bollinger! Madden is willing you into the game as best he can!

9:26 — Oh, don't blame this play on Khary Campbell, Al. He sounds like a dude who went to a fine university.

9:25 — After review ... heh, the referee said "rear." Seriously, Cartwright. THE BALL WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

9:22 — Ah, my favorite crapshoot play — the punt that lands near the goalline. Ryan Plackemeier 's kick stopped dead on the 1-yard line, and looked like it wasn't really going anywhere, but special teamer Rock Cartwright made sure that didn't happen by Leon Letting it go into the end-zone for a touchback. Seriously. You leave that bitch alone, or come at it with a non-pep pill attitude, and the Cowboys have 99 yards to go for a touchdown.

9:20 — Re: Miller Lite ads. Just once I want to see Ted McGinley ad lib something. My guess is it would sound horrible.

9:18 — Now to outro to commercial with some Stone Temple Pilots... oh, just kidding. Penalty. No advertising dollars for you.

9:16 — Campbell just ran through everyone for over 20 yards on a designed draw. Known affectionately as "how your little cousin beat you on Madden that one time."

9:15 — Both INTs were slant passes to Terrell Owens. Someone check his stool.

9:11 — Romo's quick pass is tipped then caught by the linebacker, Rocky McIntosh, which is my favorite Ben & Jerry's flavor. Why did this interception occur? Simple: poor grip.

9:09 — Madden again emphasizes the importance of the quarterback holding a football well with his throwing hand, with video comparisons between Healthy Romo Hand and Hurty Romo Hand to show us the difference. Huh. And here I thought a QB could just juggle it between his hands nonchalantly before he threw it. The football wisdom I learn from this guy!

9:06 — Madden talked to Clinton Portis in the locker room, asking him if he was going to play. A conversation between Portis and Madden. Even money on either guy as the first person to actually understand something the other says. Translation: sitcom gold.

9:00 — It's about time we talk about a two-year-old loogie. DeAngelo Hall covers Owens well on a third down, eliciting memories of the time T.O. spat in Hall's grill. I wonder where that spit is now... [pensively furrows chin hair]

First Quarter

8:53 — Blogsphere favorite Chris Cooley accepts the Campbell pass and the fans chant "Coooooooooley." Announcers are always obliged to point out that the fans aren't booing at a time like this. Are we so sure it wasn't booing? Maybe they really didn't like his NFL picks.

8:51 — DeAngelo Hall cures locker room cancer by picking off his first pass in a Redskins uniform. Certainly his days in Washington will end amicably.

8:47 — Bum wouldn't approve of no dadgum double reverses. As a result, no gain for Owens.

8:43 — Al Michaels: Wade Phillips asked his dad for some play calling advice, and was told "run the toss more." Wade uses "Ask Bum" and Barber The Third gets a hefty gain on the toss right.

8:41 — Terrell Owens catches a pass in the flat, then does a cartwheel with a little help from an oncoming Fred Smoot.

8:35 — Everybody gets a turn in the Redskins offense. It was Mike Sellers' turn to catch the touchdown. See? Socialism does work.

0 7

8:34 — It's time for some 4th and grit. It's close, but Portis gets the first by five or six yards.

8:33 — Defensive tackle Jay Ratliff hugs Jason Campbell for a loss of eight yards, because he cares.

8:32 — Eye on Clinton Portis' foot. Looks fine to me, he just gathered a first down. Let's see how it holds up against this anvil.

8:28 — A non-fumble carry by Marion Barber isn't good enough to prevent punter Sam Paulescu from, well, punting it to Washington. Pat Watkins' penchant for yanking DeAngelo Hall's mask puts the ball back to midfield, putting the Cowboys in a desperate ... wait, DeAngelo Hall is already with another team?

8:27 — John Madden analyzes Romo's pinkie cast, and seems downtrodden that he wasn't asked to sign it.

8:25 — All right, the Cowboys are going to put their best foot forward on the opening drive. And ... Marion Barber fumbles. (Gets it back, though.)

8:25 — How much Austin is in this opening kick return? Miles O'Austin.

Pre-Game Babble

Which over-dramatized headline is worse for America:

"What's Wrong With The Dallas Cowboys?"
"So We're All In Agreement, The Cowboys Are Super Bowl Champions, Right?"
"Tony Romo: Is He Having Good Intercourse On His Bye Week?"
"Is Current Cowboys Head Coach Going To Be Fired?"

Trick question. It doesn't really matter how strong or sucky the Cowboys team is, the team with the star is going to be the dominant story on varions weeks when they don't deserve it. Fortunately Brett Favre's post-retirement retirement party seems to be taking the minds off the non-1980s soap opera known as Dallas. (Yes, fortunately.) The Titans could go to 13-0 and most news outlets would still be analyzing Terrell Owens' stool in a lab to detect any illnesses and whether or not it will affect team chemistry.

Also, Redskins. They're 6-3, one game better than Dallas. Bohh-ring.

Not boring? Environmentally-friendly corporate redesigns. It appears that NBC is promoting Green Week by making their signature peacock logo green as well as every other NBC-affiliated logo. See, here it is:

Damn. I wonder how much extra time graphic designers' computers stayed on to make those logos. Whatever the cost, it's inspired me to help pitch in and save the world from the ice caps melting and turning into water-based leviathans who destroy our coastal towns with smog-shaped pitchforks and styrofoam packing peanuts. So in honor of Green Week, I will hereby recycle old jokes from previous live blogs.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Cowboys: 0-1
Redskins: Does preseason count? No? Then they've never played in one.

Time for America's favorite senior citizen game, "Five By Five Squares With Words Solitaire."

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:17 — Also, I don't do this enough (or, well, ever) but we got some pretty solid hits on the bingo sheet, so here's how we did tonight, based on what you and I saw tonight:

11:16 — Graham Harrell's postgame interview with Salters shows great promise for whenever he's finished with puberty. Maybe he can hire Cole Hamels' speech coach, if that doesn't endanger his NCAA eligibility.

11:13 — We're under two minutes and they sneak in Obama's playoff system advocacy.

11:12 — Someone remind me again why we need a college football playoff when we have analysts competing against each other, trying to outslobber one another all over certain one-loss teams.

11:10 — It appears every one-loss team has a marquee win over Ohio State. You keep using that word "marquee." I do not think it means what you think it means.

11:09 — And with that touchdown, the score goes to schfifty five, before the PAT.

20 56

11:06 — Oh, and Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are Heisman hopefuls. Why don't they just get it over with and rename the trophy "The Best Quarterback On A Top Five Team" or, a name with a bit more marketing sizzle, The Weinkecrouch.

11:05 — Graham Harrell can go back to the sidelines and try to win more Heisman support than John Parker Wilson by launching a Facebook group or whatever the shit the young kids do these days. Taylor Potts will take over for tonight as the new quarterman.

11:02 — Glimmer gone. State punts away after three not-great offensive snaps.

11:00 — Not a touchdown for Texas Tech? I'm ... I'm not sure how to respond. Okie State keeps a glimmer of hope alive deep in their subcockle area with good field position.

10:59 — Lisa Salters REPORTS. It appears that the students are privy to breaking the bleachers, so in the event they bust a part of the stadium, they carry it to the top of the stadium like a drugged out punk rocker, leaving them with ample room to jump around and get down.

10:58 — Tech gets the ball back, and it should be mentioned that, with 7½ minutes left, they haven't punted yet.

10:55 — TTU lineman Brandon Carter cleans up well:

Surf's up, brah.

10:52 — This is just a friendly reminder from Best Buy: HD television can replace your dog. Help control the pet population by getting a flat-screen TV instead.

10:47 — Another touchdown. Which is basically:

20 49

10:44 — Hmm. That took considerably more than five plays. But this is Price Is Right rules, and I beat the ethnic gentleman who doesn't understand our customs and said "1,000" and the probably-a-whore college girl who said "one dollar," so I get to play a pricing game.

10:41 — Let me close my eyes and assume Tech makes first down after first down, reading midfield after about five plays.

10:39 — Is this THE DAGGER I see before me? Darcel McBath picks off Robinson's pass on the 4-yard line.

10:38 — There's the Cowboys' mascot, Pistol Pete. He doesn't look good at basketball at all.

Third Quarter

10:34 — Even though the OK Statesmen are down 22 with a quarter remaining, this AC/DC music just makes you want to rock like Woodstock, so why even leave the house and be social?

10:33 — Herbstreit takes a jab at Colby Whitlock's pink mouthguard. Don't worry, Herbie. For not conforming, he'll get the anal rape hazing that's coming to him.

10:26 — Why, yes, that's Crabtree's third touchdown catch. I didn't even realize you were counting. Musberger jokes about sawing the Heisman in half for Harrell and Crabree. I suppose that means you need to get out a machete, cut a chip in half, and mark that one down too.

20 42

10:21 — In non-barbecue news, Texas Tech is gaining positive yards on passing plays. Crazy, idn'it?

10:20 — Holy mesquite rub. Musberger just recommended a place to eat in Lubbock. Mark that down with, like, three chips.

10:19 — So, if you aren't already sick of that Allstate commercial where the guys dressed up as pathetic tailgating cheerleaders, then get ready to change your mood from "annoyed" to "ENRAGED" as a non-Bob Lobaw law blog condemns the commercial for some highly specific insurance-related reason.

10:16 — State narrows the lead to 14 points after Hunter's touchdown run. Now then, let's again discuss that Sooners/Red Raiders game and how awesome it will be. As soon as Oklahoma State bumbles the PAT snap.

20 35

10:16 — Another fine throw by Zac Robinson. Now, which Disney Channel heartthrob is he again?

10:13 — Look, positive yardage for OK State. A couple of large gains forces Texas Tech to call a timeout and see if they can somehow have their linebackers run curl routes.

10:12 — It's not too early to talk about Texas Tech at Oklahoma in a couple week. Musberger said so. Speaking of football, Dez Bryant scampers for about 30 yards. Kidding! T'was a holding infraction.

10:09 — We're a couple points away from a Spurrierian feat of sportsmanship. Harrell to Crabtree puts the lead to 21 — which also the number of first downs they have so far.

14 35

10:06 — Texas Tech: They just, um, keep getting first downs, don't they.

10:02 — Probably not the decision I'd have done, but Brandon Pettigrew opted to fumble the ball after the catch. Me, I'd rather hold onto it, but Tech scoops up the ball at midfield and will score a touchdown in about three or so minutes.

10:00 — Ooooooooooklahoma State will start with the ball in the second half.

Halftime Entertainment

The reason this is compelling is because they didn't consult George Lucas on the choreography.

Second Quarter

9:39 — The last second Hail Mary worked pretty well. I mean, it made it to the end zone. That counts for something, right? No? It counts for zero points? Oh well. It still was a good throw.

9:34 — After a couple mentions, ABC drops the moving picture evidence of Gundy's postgame rant, asking in the most brazen way for a feature story about him in the newspaper.

9:33 — What great separation by Dez Bryant from his defender, which was almost as impressive as the separation by Dez Bryant's hands from the football. I got a crazy hunch that this is your halftime score.

9:31 — How about another touchdown? Sure, don't mind if I do. Whatever makes ROTC do more push-ups.

14 28

9:30 — There's a quick shot at Craig James's son Adam, a freshman on the Texas Tech team. If James were Lou Holtz, there's no way he could say anything bad about Tech.

9:27 — Wow, that was fast. There's only a minute left in the game, so Tech felt it might be good for someone to use a timeout at this point. ABC has some goddamn commercials to air.

9:26 — Oh, hey, guess what? Yep, another Crabtree first down, this one landing inside the five.

9:24 — Wait just a cotton plant-filming minute. Crabs don't grow on trees! #6 to #5 goes for a first down.

9:23 — Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino never played college football. You could never tell by looking at them. I thought they were both blue chip wide receivers.

9:21 — "Hi, Kelsey Grammer? You want to make another thousand bucks on your Frasier charcater? Okay, take a sip of this strange soft drink. You can spit it back out later. Theenks."

9:19 — Wait. They STILL make episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos? Is there really a need for this anymore? More to the point, how can someone pay attention for 60 minutes of little kids inflicting groin trauma on mildly suspecting uncles when this nation gets bored with that kind of stuff on YouTube after 30 seconds?

9:16 — If the football thing doesn't work out for Keith Toston, he can sell his name to a company that makes s'more ingredients. But for now, his goal line touchdown brings OKSU back in the game.

14 21

9:15 — Oh, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS. Oklahoma State has their own version of Sportscaster Thought Bingo. Man, those guys steal all sorts of ideas. They took Tech's idea for a horsebacked mascot, and now they want to lampoon Musberger and Herbstreit in the format of a geezer game where prizes like coffee makers and wicker furniture can be won.

9:13 — What in the name of all that is complementary? OK State holds up a play board with more clashing colors and letters that would make Warhol blush.

9:11 — Oklahoma State responds with a great drive inside the 10-yard line anchored by a great Kendall Hunter run (he already has 70 yards on eight touches), but his offense isn't nearly as pass happy, so we don't care.

9:07 — Lisa Salters reports on Crabtree's upbringing, and how it was never easy for him ... to decide whether he wanted to be a quarterback, safety, or wide receiver. Hey, we've all been there!

9:03 — Did I forget about the slant pass? They also throw slant passes. It's America's favorite amateur football duo, Harrell to Crabtree. The only problem is that Crabtree doesn't yet have a Dungeons & Dragons racial nickname. I'll stick with Orc until further notice.

7 21

9:00 — I've concluded that big media types have a pedophiliac attraction toward offenses that pass the ball a lot, because they're unconventional and sexy and would look good in a pair of overalls. Think about it. They loved Hawaii's run-and-shoot. They like any mid-major's spread attack. Texas Tech has had a pass-happy offense for a while, and they're eating up the checkdowns and sh___le passes and crossing routes. Here, TTU's series continues to be built on short passes that turn into first downs. They're already inside the 10.

8:58 — An OSU penalty lets Texas Tech get a free shot to ... toss a shovel pass. Not sure why he did that when he could've gone for the sexier and less reliable but more dangerous shuffle pass.

First Quarter

8:55 — Fade to commercial. Nothing goes together better than ACDC and footage of cotton plants.

8:52 — A third down throw to Eric Morris extends the series, and somewhere Legolas is smiling.

8:50 — Punter/goalie Matt Fodge line drives the kick past the returner and it lands inside the 10-yard line for a net punt of 71 yards. So now Tech just gets to put extra yardage on the box score.

8:48 — On a huge 3rd and 8 play (as opposed to inconsequential third down plays, which is every one but this one), the Cowboys must take a timeout. I have nothing else to say on this, except I just saw an OK State player with the last name "Youman." There's a player who never got the impression that coaches forgot his name, but instead just pronounced it incorrectly. His childhood friend Jeff Heythere knows what it's like.

8:46 — Eric Morris, who caught the touchdown, has the nickname "Morris The Elf." You play one MMORPG during film session, and you're marked for life.

8:45 — Guess what. A first-and-goal passing touchdown. I know!

7 14

8:43 — Graham The Cracker keeps the ball in the pocket for a fruitfly's eternity then dumps it underneath to Woods, who finishes off a long 22-yard play with a spin move. I thought spin moves only worked in Madden.

8:41 — Dammit. Now I want to play the original Super Mario Brothers. Would it trouble the Big XII to install a few question blocks in the red zone?

8:40 — While they're reviewing a catch, Texas Tech wins my heart a jillion times over with the marching band rendition of "Super Mario Brothers Level 1-1 Sonata," or whatever in this wondrous earth it's called.

8:37 — All right, football-knowing people. Is it a "shovel pass" or "shuffle pass?" Or is it both? Whatever the correctness, Harrell tosses it to Shannon Woods for a first down. (Maybe it's a Schimmel Pass, in honor of cancer-surviving comedian Robert Schimmel, although this seems only moderately likely.)

8:35 — All these CMA Awards commercials is going to make me hate country music by the end of the night. I mean more so.

8:33 — Oklahoma State quarterback Zac Robinson is from Littleton, Colorado. No, he didn't go to Columbine. But he did have a first down taken away because his linemen felt like cheating. And there they punt.

8:29 — Ha. Musberger talked to a Texas Tech student earlier this week who said in the last two weeks he's gone to zero classes but has gotten great seats at football games. Perhaps he was skipping classes out of some kind of solidarity with the football team.

8:26 — Harrell gets the Reddish Colored Raiders on the board with a fade throw to Edward Britton, and Musberger is unable to parlay that great catch into a compliment about Michael Crabtree. (give him time.)

7 7

8:25 — They might as well just keep throwing screen passes to Batch. It's working considerably better than third down fumbles.

8:24 — Baron Batch is not the name of a local cookie company, he's the guy that ran for 38 yards down the right sideline.

8:23 — Not a great sign. Harrell is struggling to not fall down under his own strength. But he regains his motor skills and valiantly throws a 2-yard out pass.

8:17 — And Hunter completes the quick series with a touchdown. OR WAS IT? They're reviewing to see if he broke the invisible strawberry syrup covered plane of the end zone. And after looking it, yes, he obviously touched it down.

7 0

8:16 — Kendall Hunter runs up the middle for about 25 yards, and Tech is confused by this strange way of moving the ball.

8:15 — No wonder Graham Harrell throws so much. He even has trouble handing the ball off. The Cowboys pounce on the 3rd and 1 fumble and the field position is so ridiculously low, you'd think we're practically GIVING it away!

8:14 — The Techsters start with the ball, and begin with a run. One minute into the game and they've already exhausted their running plays.

8:12 — Lisa Salters interviews Tech coach Mike Leach, noting how laidback he is. That could also just be mild sedatives in the Gatorade.

8:09 — Who is that mysterious Masked Woman riding a horse? Oh, they said it was Ashley Hartzog. Now the supervillians will terrorize her family. Way to be, ABC.

8:07 — Catching highlights of #1 Alabama's overtime win at LSU. With three losses, this puts LSU's national championship hopes from "mild" to "still better than anyone in the Big Ten."

8:04 — Budget cuts have hit ESPN/ABC pretty hard, and the only CD they have (to pimp) is AC/DC's Black Ice. What tough times we live in.

Pre-Game Babble

Texas Tech must be so confident about this game because their fans are more worried about who stole who's mascot idea. Oklahoma State's "Spirit Rider," introduced in the 80s, while Tech's "Masked Rider" was an official mascot in 1954. In the Southern plans of America, only one school is allowed to have the idea of a fun personality riding a lovable horse. Everything else is plagiarism.

So if Texas Tech gets the crazy idea of scoring 50 points, and Oklahoma State also wants to score 50, then Texas Tech will win by default because they thought of it first.

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a bingo card today:

* * *

Top 9th

3 4

9:58 — Ladies and gentlemen, Lidge-O-Matic. Us did it!

9:56 — Zobrist lines out to right. Help us, Obi-Wan Hinske, you're Tampa's only hope.

9:54 — Perez beats the throw to second by a rain delay. He must've gotten a football scholarship to the SEC.

9:52 — Dioner Navarro bloops in Philadelphia's soup to prolong the inning, and the pudge-free Fernando Perez will be your pinch runner.

9:50 — "Evan can wait" for a Rays championship some other year. GET IT? One out.

9:48 — Brad Lidge. Comeback player. Doesn't blow saves. World Series championship. BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY.

Bottom 8th

3 4

9:45 — New, from Ryan Howard Industries, it's the Whiff-O-Matic. Buy one now, operators are standing by!

9:43 — Dude, quit trying, Chasey boy. You're making the rest of us look bad. A straight steal of second goofs up the shift for Ryan Howard a bit.

9:41 — Chase Utley's two-out walk delays the conclusion of this game yet again.

9:37 — Joe Maddon will now hope David Price pitches so well that a run comes off the scoreboard.

Eighth Inning Stretch Entertainment

So a guy hacks a marriage proposal to his girlfriend in the game Chrono Trigger. I question the legitimacy of this video, since I know for a fact no girl has ever played that game. In fact, I'll go even further to say that any guy who's ever played Chrono Trigger will not go on to see a real-life vagina within 18 to 36 months.

Top 8th

9:33 — Okay, Peña, just like you practiced in BP. Hit a fly ball right to The Apostle.

9:29 — Hey, never mind. Upton unhustly grounds into a double play.

9:27 — The WHIP sure goes up after a rain delay. Crawford singles a single.

Bottom 7th

3 4

9:23 — Extremely less impressive fielding by Aki. But good enough.

9:22 — Iwamura is now 45 percent atoned for his basket catch blunder. The force out is at second, and there be two out.

9:20 — Ground it through the unnecessarily zoomed-in infielders, Pedro Feliz. It's another lead for Philly Balboas.

9:19 — Success-rifice. Bruntlett legs it to third.

9:18 — Ah, he wasn't happy that Vicorino's right foot was out of the batter's box on the bunt attempt.

9:17 — If Joe Maddon jumped off a bridge, so would Charlie Manuel.

9:17 — Joe Maddon comes onto the field to recommend to Jeff Kellogg the Hotel DuPont in Wilmington, Delaware. Why else the hell would he go onto the field?

9:14 — The magic of bearded running mercenaries. Eric Bruntlett will play the role of Pat Burrell's happy feet and Chad Bradford will assume the sidewinding position.

9:12 — Burrell doubles off the rim of the field. Philly fans are cheering over the successful rimjob.

Top 7th

9:10 — On the replay, the third base coach actually was waving El Barto home. So the grown man was actually fooled.

9:07 — Chase Utley, you decoying motherlover. The pump fake to first on Iwamura's grounder entraps Bartlett to round third and head home. Rick Sutcliffe notes that Utley was "doing his best Derek Jeter impersonation." Which means he's having a four-way in the clubhouse between innings.

9:03 — Ryan Madson won't stay alive to see this inning. So, who's up for three innings of Brad Lidge?

9:02 — I rescind my previous cynicism.

9:01 — Well, this isn't a good idea. J.P. Howell squares up to bunt.

9:01 — Bartlett singles to left. Ha, Dave O'Brien. "He's now 1-for-3 tonight."

9:00 — Rocco ties it up with a solo blast to left field, and it's another tie. All right boys, cover the field, let's come back Saturday and finish the seventh inning then.

8:59 — Case Study #319 why Dioner Navarro makes a piss poor leadoff hitter. Strike three, one out.

Bottom 6th

2 3

8:55 — They say every fly ball Ryan Howard hits in CBP is a home run. We found the rare one that stays in the park and, rarer still, is caught by a Rays infielder.

8:54 — Werth doesn't know how to play "Red Light Green Light" at all. He just outruns the pickoff. Also, Chase Utley struck out.

8:50 — Going to your bullpen after three batters. Tsk tsk tsk. Have you learned nothing from Dusty Baker's Usenet mailing list?

8:46 — Please remove the basket from Iwamura's ten-speed if he can't make catches over his shoulders. Werth's pop-up drops down and Pinchy scores the go-ahead run. Grant Balfour will now be replace, but hey, he lasted an incredible 46 hours pitching, tying Christy Mathewson's record.

8:43 — Rollins with the ol' Sacagawea bunt down to third. Golden.

8:42 — GEEE-OFFFFFFF ... JENNNNNKINNNNNNNS. A "leadoff" double to the right field warning track.

Pregame

8:41 — So, next time they play Philadelphia, Tampa should just stay at the Hotel DuPont in Wilmington. Said Joe Maddon of the lodging, "Quite frankly, it’s one of the nicest hotels we’ve stayed in all year. I got to my room last night and I couldn’t believe it. If you’re going to have to have a postponement, you might as well stay here.”

8:38 — Geoff Jenkins. There's your pinch hitter man.

8:32 — Please don't show highlights of how we got to this point. Unless it's footage of the Rays' traveling secretary trying to find a hotel. I will gladly watch that on a loop, freezing the video at the exact moment he realizes he's fired.

8:31 — So, about the actual game. Philly's going to bat with the No. 9 batter coming up. The Phillies have had almost 48 hours to announce a pinch hitter for Cole Hamels and they haven't done it yet.

Pre-Game Babble

It's been over 70 hours since the last time a baseball game finished, which means my interest for baseball wavers somewhere between billiards and cup stacking. Granted, there were huge chunks of time, at night, where I was just asleep for hours. And when the game starts, my interest will probably sploink back in like a dislocated shoulder. And in any other year, in any other situation, I'd be gunnin' for a Tampa comeback. But it's almost October and like Dante Hicks, I'm not even supposed to be here today.

To remember the last rain delayed World Series game, you'll have to go back to 1502, when it wasn't called the World Series, but rather the Spanish Inquisition, and they didn't use bases or baseballs or rosin bags. (But there were baseball bats.) The MVP that year? Jamie Moyer.

Depending on whether you agree with NBC Sports' Mike Celizic's opinion of Bud Selig or the thesis of considerably more hatless Jeff Passan's article, this was a difficult situation made worse. But imagine if it was a Game 7 washed out due to rain in a 10th inning deadlock. Maybe Selig says both teams win. Or maybe, like a NASCAR race or U.S. Open playoff tiebreaker, you get the fucking rest of the game out of the way during the day. But no, they had to neatly file the T-ball-length game right after Senator Obama selling Ronco Veg-O-Matics to the middle class. But wait, there's more! If Tampa wins tonight and Game 6, we'll have yet another Series tickle its way into November. Order now and you'll also receive a set of Ginsu kitchen knives, free of charge.

PLUS, you'll get TuesMonday night's bingo card, because I'm too lazy and apathetic to drum up a new one just for 21 outs of baseball. So let's finish this bitch.

* * *

11:08 — SportsNet's rain delay programming: The fifth inning of Game 3. So to share the experience:

BOTTOM OF FIFTH INNING

11:40 - Fieldin Culbreth or Crispin Glover: better name?

11:41 - Matt Garza or Crispin Glover: crazier SOB after that walk to Ruiz?

11:42 - Jamie Moyer or Crispin Glover: worse bunter?

11:44 - Jimmy Rollins lines to second... crispinly? Crispinly.

11:48 - Gabe Gross makes the third out. A car/shoe commercial comes on. Again, we have to ask: who is that for? Phillies 2-1.

By the way, the game has been legal for a half-inning. Bud's one helluva weatherman. Between Strikin/Walkin/Fieldin Fieldin and everyone's hurry to get back to their warm beds, this game could be ov...

Rain Delay Entertainment

I don't know what your goofy American pig-dog infidel network channels are showing; Canada's SportsNet is giving us — you better be sitting down for this — hockey highlights. So for my Yankee brethren, here's one of the best episodes of NewsRadio:

Rain Delay

10:44 — Know what this broadcast needs? 'Til Death reruns.

10:41 — Good. Now that it's tied, we can stop play.

Top 6th

10:39 — Longo only pawn in game of life. His fly to center finishes the sixth.

10:38 — Peña is legitimately in the groove with another hit. Upton canoes his way to home, and it's a tie game. We're going to a Game 8!

10:37 — Those white towels the fans are waving couldn't be damper if they were held under John Kruk's armpits after an 8-hour workday.

10:35 — Yes, that's two Willy Wonka references tonight. Room service didn't include dessert.

10:33 — That diamond is turning liquid so fast, it's killing Augustus Gloop that he can't run out and start drinking the infield.

10:31 — GROUND TO SHORT AGAIN. Only this time, Rollins can't dry the ball with a Persian towel, pirouette and toss to first quickly enough.

10:29 — Crawford's grounder skips three times. Make a wish. Sorry, you're still out.

10:28 — Oh look, beisbol! Iwamura falls victim to the infield strikeout rule.

10:24 — O'Brien lays it down like this: if they can't finish the game, they could technically call the game for the Phillies and they would win the championship. The last time a title was clinched so anticlimactically was the 1941 Quidditch World Cup finals when they realized the Belgian seeker had inadvertently swallowed the Golden Snitch a half hour ago.

Right after the innin', Maddon barks at the first base ump asking why there was no infield fly rule called after the 1-out pop-up. You know what guys, I'm starting to believe the officiating in this Series is slightly scattershot.

Bottom 5th

1 2

10:19 — Pop that bitch up, Ruiz. Peña labors a ton on tracking that ball in the rain. Or he's doing his best Stuart Scott impression. NOT FUNNY, CARLOS. HE'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HIS EYE.

10:17 — Tastee Feliz pops up to Iwamura. In any other ballpark, that ball doesn't get rained on, because they'd have delayed the game by now.

10:15 — Victorino doesn't slip. He surfs out of the box. Crawford doesn't slip to make the catch. He teamglides toward it.

10:12 — This has to be comforting for Rays fans. Grant Balfour couldn't find the pitching mound rubber. The umpire kicked the dirt away for him. Leave him alone, it's his first day.

10:10 — Ah, they've solved the rain crisis. They're just going to rake the mud around in the infield, so as to not leave a single drop of dirt unquenched. Uniform slippage. Resume play.

10:06 — All right then. Kazzamatazz's sixth walk forces Flappy Maddon to switch him with a guy whose last name in no way insinuates walks will continue: Grant Balfour.

10:06 — Burrell fouls ANOTHER one into the stands. In any other ballpark, that's a touchback.

10:03 — Hold on, time out. Let's see if it stops raining. No? Things are just getting muddier and more dangerous for pitching and running and fieldering? All right, it's not stopping. Play ball!

9:59 — Ball four. Walk with p-r-r-r-r-ide, Mr. Howard.

Top 5th

9:56 — Kazmir settles in and strikes out.

9:55 — Forget all errors. Did Utley tag Rocco? Did his throw to first get Jason Bartlett out? The answer is yes, yes to both, now stop asking questions, how did you get into my room?

9:53 — Baldelli's skying pop into the stratosphere ricochets off the ghost of Tug McGraw and discombobulates Rollins into dropping the ball. But Sutcliffe is haranguing Baldelli for not being on second base. Yes. This whole play was his fault.

Bottom 4th

1 2

9:49 — Utley (ŭt'-lē) adv.: 1. Of or pertaining to batting with two outs and the bases loaded. 2. Of or pertaining to hitting a ground ball into the shift. 3. Of or pertaining to things that pertain to or are of other things.

9:46 — Werth. Walk to first. NOW.

9:45 — Hamels stands on second, flexing that left hand that suffered the bunt foul. So far, no trainers have gone out to look at him. He should be fine. Until his first fastball of the top of the inning brings his thumb to home plate.

9:42 — Or, walk Rollins. Whatever works for you.

9:37 — Hamels fails to bunt by breaking his finger (according to Sutcliffe's gut instinct), then fails to bunt by not convincing Kazmir to throw to first instead of second. Plural Skywalkers is standing on first with the comfy red jacket.

9:37 — Ruiz is getting the most of that .219 average with a solid single. M-V-P! M-V-P!

9:35 — Feliz's strikeout puts Kazmir into a new category: "nuzzled in."

9:34 — I can tell from the comments that for some reason, the word "windage" was used in the Fox broadcast. To which I say: BWAHAHAHAHA, eh? [sips cup of gravy]

Top 4th

9:31 — Groundout to short? You're soaking in it, Navarro! It's also a double play, so enjoy the one run you scored this half inning. Like Everlasting Gobstoppers, everybody gets one and one is enough for everybody. (Caveat: Philly gets two.)

9:28 — Double super whopper doppler jinx. Longoria gets HIS first hit and RBis in Tilde Deux.

9:27 — Jinxed by the '11 duo of Fred Snodgrass and Red Murray! Peña finally nails a hit from the cleanup spot. It's of the two-base genre.

9:26 — Amazingly fun fact: The Rays are the first World Series team since the 1911 New York Giants to go hitless in the 3- and 4-spots of the lineup.

9:24 — Christ, even Pavlov's dog couldn't be trained to hit this many balls to shortstop. One out

Bottom 3rd

0 2

9:23 — Kazlo Toth is 64 percent "settled in," 22 percent "dialed in," and 14 percent "undecided." A nice clean inning for the losing-so-far pitcher.

9:19 — Yet another reason turf drools and grass rules. The camera implanted between the mound and home plate couldn't be used in Tropicana Field. And MLB didn't like Tampa's idea of strapping a camera to an invisible garden gnome.

Top 3rd

9:16 — Iwamura singles but is lonely at first. Crawford fixes that by getting out, and Aki can now spend time with his friends in the dugout! Yay!

9:14 — Dave O'Brien explains to the international fans why the pitcher bats in the National League but doesn't in the American League. It's simple stuff like this they talk about which leads me to conclude all of our girlfriends should be watching the international feed.

9:14 — Scott Kazmir steps to the plate and ... hahahahaha. [wipes eye] HAHAHAHAHA.

9:13 — Every Tampa Bay batter seems to ground it to shortstop, resembling 90 percent of my golf swings.

Bottom 2nd

0 2

9:08 — Longoria's hatflaps drown out the traumatic "Eva" chant from the other night snags Utley's pop up to finish out the second.

9:06 — Kazmir fails to get his team back in the game by allowing three straight solo home runs and instead records two straight outs at the expense of Hamels and Rollins Mr. Butterwerth, on the other hand, extends the inning with a base crack to left.

Top 2nd

8:59 — Baldelli pops to second, which in any other ballpark is a foul ball straight back.

8:58 — Navarro sees twice the pitches thrown to Carlos and Evan combined, and as an unrelated reward walks to first.

8:55 — Secret lineup plan: THWARTED. Hamels spotted Peña and Longoria hiding in their new lineup cubbyholes, and outs both.

Bottom 1st

0 2

8:51 — Just one more time when the Phillies leave the bases loaded. The unscored runs will be transformed into nutrient-rich goo to sustain the life of Don Zimmer.

8:50 — Another hit off Kazn't. Feliz turns the partially loaded bases into fully loaded bases with a base jab.

8:49 — Aloha means "two RBI single to left field." No idea how the natives keep track of all that word's definitions.

8:45 — Burrell Ives is also hitless in this Series, which is an example of how beneficial it is to just have good teammates who can do the work for you. Remaining hitless, he walks on a strike that is not a strike. Have they evened out all the bad calls yet? If you look at the number of lucky breaks on both sides, the tallies might resemble a double-overtime WAC football game.

8:44 — Ryan Howard strikes out instead of solo homering. Advantage: Philly.

8:41 — Wait. Wait. WAIT. MLB International's Key to the Game: "GIVE UP A SOLO HR." They have different rules in South Africa, evidently. Instead of following Sutcliffe's advice to Werth and Utley, Kazmir instead lets them both reach base.

8:39 — Punishment for assuming the umpire has a consistent strike zone: full count flyout. Jimmy Rollins learns a hard lesson on an all new Full House.

8:38 — Either Navarro's glove is broken or he drank too much SUUUUuuUUuuuUUUURGE.

Top 1st

8:33 — Upton just plum grounds out. No error or lack of hustle.

8:32 — Crawford, sucked up by the hustle black hole of the No. 2 spot, doesn't get a burst out of the batter's box and therefore can outrun Jimmy Rollinsberger's bobble.

8:31 — Aki-Iwa flies out to deep left. In any other park, that's a pop-up to third.

Telecast

8:29 — On the international feed they have all the players say their name, position, and country of origin. Can you guess what Shane Victorino says, for 10 Gawkerpoints? (Hint: It has to do with an island.)

8:29 — Yes, if you haven't noticed, they moved Upton/Peña/Longoria down one spot each. This will fix everything and throw off Hamels.

8:27 — Room service. Baked lasagna. Outstanding stuff. It's as if they cooked them using Garfield's tears.

8:23 — The first pitch is thrown out by former Philly pitcher and current Kentucky senator Jim Bunning. It bounces in front of home plate, but nevertheless Carlos Peña missed it by several feet.

8:19 — Or IS Rick Sutcliffe better? I know what he meant, but: "I think whoever wins tonight will win the World Series." Moreover, the key to tonight's game: runs.

8:14 — Look! It's Hall & Oates' better half! They got John Oates to sing the national anthem because they really really really want it to be 1980 again. That way, Tampa Bay will instantly vanish and the Philbins will win by default. Too bad tonight wasn't 3D Specs Night.

8:13 — All the hope in the history of the franchise is on Scott Kazmir He's the "all time franchise leader in wins IP strikeouts, quality starts, and ERA." Somewhere, Tanyon Sturtze throws a bottle at his TV. Fun fact: the TV used to own to Ryan Rupe.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Philadelphia: 8-1
Tampa Bay: 2-4

Philadelphia
1. SS Jimmy "Jelly Roll" Rollins
2. RF Jayson "Spellcheck Hates Me" Werth
3. 2B Chase "Gritmill" Utley
4. 1B Ryan "Slumpwich" Howard
5. LF Pat "Free Agent" Burrell
6. CF Shane "Hustlepineapple" Victorino
7. 3B Pedro "Not Hawaiian" Feliz
8. C Carlos "Not Darren Daulton" Ruiz
9. P Cole Hamels, which when pronounced backwards, is Hebrew for "unicorn sperm."

Tampa Bay
1. 2B Akinori "Sprouts" Iwamura
2. LF Carl "Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo" Crawford
3. CF B.J. "Dillydally" Upton
4. 1B Carlos "You're Ruining Christmas" Peña
5. 3B Evan "Slumpwich" Longoria
6. C Dioner "Lotus Crouch" Navarro
7. RF Rocco "Golgi Bodies" Baldelli
8. SS Jason "Gopher" Bartlett
9. P Scott Kazmir, who will no doubt be pulled if they have a 7-0 lead in the 5th inning

Pre-Game Babble

I've done it. I've figured out the secret to keeping one's sanity.

1. Move to Canada.
2. Watch World Series
Result: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are no longer on your screen.

What they don't tell you is that the announcing tandem of Buck and McCarver is this nation's punishment for all the bad things they've done, from legalizing abortion to letting women vote. The rest of the nations of this world, however, instead watch the game through the MLB International Feed, where the broadcasters are the much more tolerable Dave O'Brien and Rick Sutcliffe. Moreover, there's no Caliendo! No drinkability! No Routan Boom! So while the rest of you diligent readers and commenters are jamming bananas into your ears, I'll be heading over and O'Briening/Sutcliffing that thing for tonight.

Which brings us to a new and strange Bingo Dilemma. Should the game sheet be used for Buck and McCarver? Should it be for O'Brien and Sutcliffe? Or should it be for both? While I was sitting back in my beanbag loveseat, I pondered these questions, then remembered that I made the game so I make the rules.

Therefore the quest is yours and yours alone to fill out the sheet.

By the way, how about giving a 24-hour delay standing ovation to Brave Sir Tuffy for live blogging Games 3 and 4 while I was trekking to Canada? Somehow they were fantastic despite the fact that I didn't understand half of what he said. It was the live blog equivalent of the The Electric Company.

PRE-GAME

Jay Glazer announces the entire NFL has lost all their vital bodily fluids. You should be able to keep your focus on baseball tonight, knowing full well that the NFL is now American sports' answer to the prune.

You're not going to believe this, but Cliff Floyd is injured. It's his shoulder, for those of you that made your bets more specific. Eric Hinske gets to don the World Series patch for the second straight season.

All of the Philly blogging elite are there. We believe A.J. is present; we know Enrico is rolling his crew at Citizens Bank, and now we have a report from Clare from Plunk Chutley:

"A live report from the world series: what REALLY goes on when the cameras are not on."

If you had been to the World Series since 1993, Philadelphia, that national anthem would have been absolutely killer.

TOP OF FIRST INNING

8:31 pm - Iwamura manages to survive more than three pitches. We believe this may be longer than any at-bat he attempted last night.

8:33 pm - Burrell pulls in Iwamura's fly and away we go. The Sprint sign behind home plate was clearly calibrated to match the ambient noise before the fireworks went off, so it looks simply awful at the moment. This, of course, won't stop them.

8:34 pm - Upton gets caught looking at the Sprint sign and strike three passes by. This is more embarrassing since it's a greenscreen sign.

8:35 pm - The Bear pops out foully and didn't anyone get the memo that Blanton can be wild? Taking pitches is totally legal now.

BOTTOM OF FIRST INNING

8:37 pm - And you chose Tim McGraw last night, Fox? Is there any other choice *ever*?

8:38 pm - "Simply a winner" == "We don't know why he's here, either"

8:39 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Gives up a double to Jimmy Rollins"

8:41 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Allows Rollins to advance to third with one down on a deep fly after going down 3-0 to Jayson Werth"

8:44 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Walks Chutley"

8:45 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Tapes grounders to the mound to his hand and refuses to release it"

8:46 pm - Glove'n'ball in the butt? That's an FCC fine. (We're accepting screenshots, by the way. tips@deadspin.com.)

8:48 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Walks home a run on five pitches." Phillies 1-0.

8:50 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Gets a runner out at hom... wait, that actually sounds productive. Maybe he IS a winner."

8:52 pm - After a 20-minute winning, Feliz pops out to Upton, whom we've decided (unlike many of his teammates) really needs facial hair. After one, Phillies 1-0.

(Thanks, Jesse and the rest of you with quick triggers on ass shots!)

TOP OF SECOND INNING

8:56 pm - Longoria and Crawford strike out and HONEST TO GOODNESS it's like Angela Lansbury's dealin' queens and the Rays batters are unable to resist pitches in their eyes. We need Frank Sinatra more than ever.

8:58 pm - Navarro singles to right and Jayson Werth wastes his chance to be Andre Dawson, letting the rotund runner get to first without a throw.

8:58 pm - No problem, though... Zobrist is out on one pitch. Take a pitch! We're not kidding here. We know where your beloved childhood pets are. The tips line, she is strong.

BOTTOM OF SECOND INNING

9:01 pm - You know how most outfielders run to a spot and wait for the ball? Ben Zobrist thinks that's crap. He catches Carlos Ruiz's fly ball, though.

9:02 pm - Aramis Ramirez is the NL Hank Aaron winner? THE CUBS WIN AT THE WORLD SERIES! THE CUBS WIN AT THE WORLD SERIES! WOOOO!

9:03 pm - Blanton struck out while we were being unnecessarily exuberant.

9:05 pm - Rollins singles and we're beating Tim McCarver with an AM radio if he says "station to station" again.

9:06 pm - Werth pops out to a shamed Zobrist, who runs to a spot before catching the ball. After two, it's Phillies 1-0.

TOP OF THIRD INNING

9:08 pm - In Baseball Heaven, you get to take a maple bat to that guy any time you want.

9:11 pm - President Bartlett strikes out but Sonnanstine singles in an opposing direction. However, he did it in something like two pitches, so it's totally approved by the Rays.

9:13 pm - Two straight choices by the fielder to get the man out at second, leaving the man at first to consider his sins in a public forum, end the frame.

BOTTOM OF THIRD INNING

9:18 pm - Another 47-pitch at-bat, another error (by Iwamura), another Chutley sighting at first.

9:20 pm - And now Howard singles and ball one to Burrell. We may need supercomputers to see a pattern here.

9:23 pm - Burrell takes 76 pitches but pops out to the President.

9:26 pm - Victorino takes a mere 42 pitches but pops out to the President.

9:27 pm - Pedro Feliz swings at the first pitch (ball one) and then immediately singles to left, which is exactly what the Rays have been trying and failing at. Baseball, we don't get you sometimes. Phillies 2-0.

9:29 pm - Iwamura receives a rub through the pants when he catches a ground ball up the middle but can't throw anyone out. Bases loaded, two out, Blanton standing tall.

9:30 pm - Blanton's out on his best Feliz impersonation. By the time we click "Save" on this timestamp, the Rays will have made three outs on two pitches. Phillies 2-0.

TOP OF FOURTH INNING

9:35 pm - The Bear flips the script by striking out in more than six pitches.

9:35:25 pm - Longoria grounds out to shortstop in a return to form. Tim McCarver blames bad synapse mechanics.

9:37 pm - Carl Crawford has a Maier moment, barely clearing the wall in right-center to halve the lead. Phillies 2-1. We're dying to see the replay on that one...

9:37:14 pm - ... which we will shortly as Navarro rushes the game to commercial with his love of out.

BOTTOM OF FOURTH INNING

9:42 pm - Akinori Iwamura, this is your glove. It's used to catch the ball and then, you know, throw the ball. Jimmy Rollins receives a single/error. (You choose at home. Single: page 47. Error: page 49.)

9:45 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Third walk of the game through 3+ innings, setting up first and second with no outs"

9:46 pm - We're really not going to see that Crawford ball leave the park again, are we? Chutley strikes out on three pitches to go back to the dugout and check for us. The power of the tips line.

9:49 pm - Less doubt about this home run from Sub Howard. When we took these live blogs, we were told it was contingent upon two Phillies victories. You can't say we haven't done our part. Phillies 5-1.

9:52 pm - Burrell and Gritirino pop out harmlessly, but we can't help but notice that Buck'n'McCarver have STSU about the wasted opportunities by the Phillies. Phillies 5-1.

TOP OF FIFTH INNING

9:54 pm - Stay tuned for your next Fox News exclusive: how the Tecate Light guy took his job from a hard-working American cerveza spokesperson.

9:54 pm - Zobrist entereth and exiteth.

9:57 pm - The ol' 1-5-3 putout on the President... only winners get that play. We think we've been had about this whole "simply a winner" thing. The Rays agree, pulling Andy and replacing him with World Series sub Eric Hinske.

9:58 pm - Cliff Floyd gets Pipped in just a few pitches as Hinske pulls a Stairs to deep center. (That was a lot of proper nouns there. Maybe even a bastard verb.) Phillies 5-2.

9:59 pm - Iwamura continues to ruin our mancrush on him with a piddling groundout. Still, we guess we don't have to switch to the popular USF-Tulsa liveblog yet.

BOTTOM OF FIFTH INNING

10:04 pm - Ruiz and Feliz are out but not without Screamin' Tom Hallion letting the Rays know that (as best we could hear it) he didn't need their "guff" anymore. Well, we guess the wait is over.

10:06 pm - Joe Blanton is the first pitcher to hit a home run in a world series in 36 years? A guy that was an American League pitcher most of his career? Well, hell, kids. You may work on your coronation speeches, Phillies fans. Phillies 6-2.

10:07 pm - Rollins grounds out to end the fifth and we're going to need an astrophysicist to explain this game to us. Phillies 6-2.

TOP OF SIXTH INNING

10:10 pm - Was the Rays' last successful play the taco base? We can't remember for sure.

10:12 pm - B.J. flies out toot sweet. Joe Blanton has a perpetual look on his face like he can't understand all the fuss and really doesn't comprehend everything that's happening around him but he's more bemused than frightened. Dude's not complicated. He's simply a winner, y'know?

10:15 pm - Oh, NOW The Bear patiently works the count and draws a walk. There's such a thing as timing, people.

10:16 pm - Longoria strikes out. No, really. Do you need a moment?

10:17 pm - Crawford's pinky toe takes a bruisin' from the stitches of a Blanton pitch and he shall stand on first gingerly. First and second, two down.

10:20 pm - Dioner-not-Navi strikes out by swinging at a ball, but considering he watched a ball or three called as strikes, he probably didn't know what else to do.

BOTTOM OF SIXTH INNING

10:23 pm - Just how much scorn does one receive for ordering a Philly cheese steak from a Subway franchisee in the Philadelphia area? We imagine it's just below a hangin' but more than a beatin'.

10:25 pm - For Edwin Jackson's second inning of work, he reverts to Bad Edwin, allowing Jayson Werth to pound a double off the MLB Network. The MLB Network will now launch in mid-April to allow time to repair the damage.

10:27 pm - From commenter TracyHamandEggs! below: "New stars can no longer be earned except as a gift from the editors AND unstarred comments will be collapsed in threaded view unless they have been replied to recently."

NOW we understand those star lapel pins on the Fox announcing team. Savvy, Rupert... savvy.

10:29 pm - Chutley strikes out and Howard receives the intentional walk he couldn't get earlier in the series. He was the one asked to hit before, remember?

10:31 pm - Good Edwin returns for a double play that's nearly ruined about seven times during its execution. Phillies 6-2.

TOP OF SEVENTH INNING

10:35 pm - Eric Bruntlett looks a little too much like Evan Tanner for our comfort. Too soon.

10:38 pm - Ben Zobrist walks and we say farewell to Joe Blanton, who will not need to buy a drink in Philly for a long time.

10:41 pm - President Outmaker does so at Chad Durbin's request

10:42 pm - Willy "Automatic Transmission" Aybar clutchly hits pinchily to right and Durbin, who is not a winner, has to leave in favor of Simple Winner Scott Eyre. Charlie's oopsie.

10:45 pm - Iwamura does as Tim McCarver tells him to, making the second out of the inning. Oh, look... a pitching change!

10:51 pm - Ryan Madsen is a more complex winner as he requires six pitches to out BeeJay.

And now exactly what we promised you... cake!

BOTTOM OF SEVENTH INNING

10:58 pm - Dan Wheeler joins the fun and tricks Gritirino into popping out to Zobrist in right. We don't know if it's because he's been pretty decent or if "Ben Zobrist" is just kind of an awesome early 80s detective show name, but he's rubbing off on us.

10:59 pm - Pedro Feliz bounces another ball off Granite Longoria for another infield single.

11:00 pm - Oh, Akinori... how could we ever stay mad at you? Your stabbing line drive catch and double play throw made us forget all the bad in the world. And to think what we were considering...

Phillies 6-2.

TOP OF EIGHTH INNING

11:03 pm - "American Idol" and the World Series have nothing in common... except lousy singing, we guess.

11:07 pm - On the other hand, the Bear strikes out again and he's off our Christmas list.

11:08 pm - Did the Phillies turn the crappy left field foul seats into auxiliary press seats? Is that why they were almost empty when Granite Longoria dropped a ball in them?

11:09 pm - Strike three on Granite. And Crawford grounds out weakly and we don't know how else to explain this concept to the Rays.

BOTTOM OF EIGHTH INNING

11:14 pm - Matt Stairs strikes out and we're just kinda happy he got to be in the sun for a moment. One of our guys from way back.

11:16 pm - Phillies fans do their best to pull a Rollins ball over the right-field fence, but they're not quite coordinated enough to pull it off. A double, it is.

11:19 pm - Jayson Werth shows Rollins how it's done, hitting the ball a little harder and to left field for a home run. Phillies 8-2. Say good night, Gracie.

11:20 pm - We feel dehydrated. We just wish there were a series of chemicals that could cure tha... oh, that's right. Beer!

While we have a moment as Wheeler is shown the World Series door (and it's made of a fine mahogany, thanks for asking), we love that Jayson Werth put a finger to the sky on his 8-2 Phillies lead homer. Dude's been suffering all series and he finally did something positive. Good on him.

11:24 pm - Oh, Jesus... we didn't think we'd have to defend our position. It was awesome. We will not entertain other opinions on this matter.

11:25 pm - Chutley's walk is followed by Howard's slower walk of 360 feet, give-take. Phillies 10-2.

11:28 pm - Bruntlett's out and we have video of the ninth inning already, thanks to the power of the tips line.

Phillies 10-2.

TOP OF NINTH INNING

11:31 pm - And in the role of Carol Burnett's spotlight sweeper, J.C. Romero.

11:32 pm - Navarro takes first on an error/hit on the infield. Timing, gentlemen. Timing.

11:33 pm - Chosen: Navarro. Allowed to live: Zobrist. Jimmy Rollins is a merciful shortstop.

11:37 pm - El Presidente Bartlett watches strike three, failing to factor in that it's a 10-2 game and Screamin' Tom Hallion has places to be, too.

11:37 pm - And that'll do it. The Phillies take a commanding 3-1 lead and we recommend mapping out parade routes in Philly that will cause the least damage to property.

(And how much do we love that Fox showed the time of game as if they managed to bring it in just over three hours because of their skill and not because each Ray treated their at-bats as timed contests?)

Now you know who the hell Joe Blanton is: he's the luckiest SOB on the planet tonight. Andy Sonnanstine... well, the earlier you forget tonight, the better off he is.

No Bingo tonight. If the game runs past midnight in the East, we would run afoul of many Bingo monopolies in the Southeast. We do promise we will wear a trenchcoat like Chris Myers because we're both going as Grantland Rice for Halloween, apparently.

Pre-Game

9:41 - Yikes. 9:41 pm?

9:41 - Ken Rosenthal's mic will be a game-time proposition.

9:45 - What *is* that song the Phillies are playing for the Rays introduction? Is it a Wiggles song? Do we need to have children to find out?

9:50 - Sadly, Canada just successfully invaded the United States after the nation's armed forces and civilian guards were lulled to sleep by that anthem. Mostly, we just want to cuddle with America now.

9:52 - We're calling the TOC immediately.

9:54 - Following "Fringe" should be a quirky "Picket Fences"-style drama starring Joely Fisher about a carriage maker in Amish country in Pennsylvania and how she must compete with the nearby Amish monopoly, the local odd characters, and the new doctor in town she might be falling for. That way, we could have a "Surrey" with a "Fringe" on the top.

It's gonna be a long night.

9:58 - Speaking of the DirecTV commercials, we're starting to understand how Billy Joel felt.

10:00 - ...aaaand Tampa is apparently officially out of celebrities as Carl Crawford introduces the Rays lineup.

TOP OF FIRST INNING

10:01 - Oh God, we're so old.

10:03 - Wow, it is a full house after having to travel two-by-two to the stadium. In Tampa, this... well, this would not have happened because they know weather could screw up their World Series aspirations.

10:07 - Big deal that Jamie Moyer's been there 10 hours and 7 minutes. We've been in the same place on our couch since 8 am ET. We've got your endurance medal right here. Near our bedpan.

10:09 - Iwamura flies out and Upton grounds out. The strike zone is 40º F and rain-sized.

10:11 - With BeeJay down, the Bear walks on Strikin' Fieldin Culbreth. Here's a look at your home plate umpire this evening.

Keep this in mind as you prepare to rip him later. Then, y'know, do it anyway. Dude should've been working on his strike zone.

10:12 - AHAHAHAHAHA because "Eva" is a girl's name! Oh, Phillies fans... you're like Joe Strummer but less drugged.

10:13 - Longoria strikes out. Lousy Fieldin!

BOTTOM OF FIRST INNING

10:16 - Fox gets Tim McGraw. NBC gets Faith Hill. Who wins? No one. No one at all.

10:17 - Joe Buck has already determined that Matt Garza is a crazy SOB (as right-handers go) and could snap at any time. Good to know.

10:17 - Jimmy Rollins singles up the middle. We think we see Gonzo's skin turning blue with anger. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. And cold. And surrounded by chickens.

10:20 - Walkin' Fieldin sends Werth to first. Lousy ump!

10:22 - Wild pitch; runners advance. Uh-oh.

10:24 - Clutchin Chutley grounds to Reverse Tilde Carlos Peña, but Rollins scores. So it's totally clutch! Phillies 1-0.

10:26 - Ryan Howard should take the Myers-Briggs exam but not the GRE. That's the level of testing we recommend. Thanks, boys!

10:28 - Howard strikes out and Burrell pops out in quick succession. Let's check our Gonzo meter...

Whew.

TOP OF SECOND INNING

10:31 - Tonight's aerial coverage brought to you by the NSA and Echelon. Echelon: we can't find the terrorists, so we're totally looking down your blouse instead.

10:33 - Crawford doubles down the left field line when the ball lands just in front of Pat the Not-the-Glove. Burrell fails to replace his divot; we hope someone doesn't call in and get Burrell thrown out of the tournament.

10:33 - Crawford swipes third by hiding in Burrell's divot and then springing free upon the release of the pitch. It pays to follow the rules, Pat!

10:36 - Gabe Gross flies out to right-center, scoring Crawford. This inspires Tim McCarver to mangle a name and place all credit for the inning on smallball. Tied 1-1.

10:38 - Does anyone believe any of the narrators of those "Drinkability" commercials have ever seen a sporting event?

BOTTOM OF SECOND INNING

10:41 - Reverse Tilde sends Gritirino to his room without bases.

10:43 - President Bartlett sends Pedro Cruz/Feliz/McGraw to his room without bases.

10:44 - Uh-oh.

Carlos Ruiz smashes the ball over the left field wall. Phillies 2-1.

10:46 - Jamie Moyer strikes out but in a really plucky old man kinda way. Go old people!

By the way, we got a peek inside Matt's hat:

TOP OF THIRD INNING

10:49 - Garza grounds out. Those eyes... they aren't well.

10:52 - Iwamura flies out and Strikin' Fieldin nails Upton looking. Are the Rays in a hurry again? Is it too cold for a cartilaginous fish?

BOTTOM OF THIRD INNING

10:53 - Triple the normal Indiana Jones commercials tonight to target the key "Jamie Moyer's family" market.

10:55 - Rollins singles and we see our only Albert Pujols sighting for this offseason and many to come.

10:58 - Dioner Navarro has full disdain for your "running game" and your "Garza loves bases to be stolen". Rollins is shown to the bench with polite but forceful signals from the second base umpire (not Fieldin).

10:59 - Werth singles on the next pitch. The baseball gods jam their collective thumb into Jimmy Rollins' eye.

11:01 - Chutley pounds the ball to deep center but Upton retrieves it. We're told almost no center fielder ever could have reached that ball. Sure, why not? Upton for Minor Baseball Deity.

11:04 - Howard grounds out and who the hell thinks baseball fans really want to see the Sprint Samsung Instinct commercial? We want to see the Quantum of Solace commercial on a loop. That's it.

TOP OF FOURTH INNING

11:07 - CARLA! CARLA!

11:10 - Carla flies out and, honest to goodness, the Rays are not showing any patience. We blame Strikin' Fieldin'.

11:12 - Evan Longoria gets fluffed and then struck out.

11:13 - Joe Buck works the "24" shaft. Unfortunately, it's the longest event in the inning as Crawford also flies out. Honestly, Joe... pull the kids aside and remind them that having a stick doesn't mean they have to swing every damned pitch. It's okay to speak softly occasionally. Phillies 2-1.

BOTTOM OF FOURTH INNING

11:14 - SWEET JESUS AND MARY CHAIN THE ORPHAN ON THE BAG IS TALKING TO ME THE DIABETES IS CAUSING THE HALLUCINATIONS

*sip*

OH GOD SHE'S STILL THERE I CANNOT GET HER TO GO AWAY

11:17 - We loved Pat Burrell in Dave.

11:22 - Burrell strikes out. Stupid ump! It gave Tim and Joe plenty of time to dump their whole Garza prepared story, though, so America gets a free blather between 10 and 1 on... now.

11:24 - Victorino strikes out as well but with better efficiency. Almost Rays-like.

11:24 - Feliz mimics Victorino and not Burrell.

The 700 Level and Deadspin's own Enrico Campitelli, Jr. is at the game tonight. Please turn your air conditioning to 47º F and feel like you're there:

TOP OF FIFTH INNING

11:30 - Dioner Navarro, wrangler of pitches and pitchers from all angels, singles infieldly in the general vicinity of Jimmy Rollins' glove.

11:32 - "It's not just 17 inches wide to Jamie Moyer." It's true; those wily veterans really know how to expand the zone, work in and out, and vary speeds.

Vagina.

By the way, this is a Navi:

Dioner is a Dioner.

11:36 - The bottom third of the Rays' order were in a big hurry to blow. If you'd like to know how they blew, please visit the Library of Congress.

BOTTOM OF FIFTH INNING

11:40 - Fieldin Culbreth or Crispin Glover: better name?

11:41 - Matt Garza or Crispin Glover: crazier SOB after that walk to Ruiz?

11:42 - Jamie Moyer or Crispin Glover: worse bunter?

11:44 - Jimmy Rollins lines to second... crispinly? Crispinly.

11:48 - Gabe Gross makes the third out. A car/shoe commercial comes on. Again, we have to ask: who is that for? Phillies 2-1.

By the way, the game has been legal for a half-inning. Bud's one helluva weatherman. Between Strikin/Walkin/Fieldin Fieldin and everyone's hurry to get back to their warm beds, this game could be ov...

TOP OF SIXTH INNING

11:52 - ... Iwamura strikes out. SLOW DOWN, kids! They'll keep your hotel room for you.

11:54 - Upton rushes to first on a single. Hey now; you're supposed to hustle to the bench, BeeJay, not futz around on base. Stay focused!

11:57 - The Bear falleth to Strikin' Fieldin.

By the way, our suspicions are confirmed: Jamie Moyer and Rays bench coach Dave Martinez played together in Chicago in the 1980s. We are so painfully old.

11:59 - Evan Longoria calculates the distance to the left field foul pole and then hits it x-4 feet for the third out. It's still Phillies 2-1 and it's... midnight.

BOTTOM OF SIXTH INNING

12:02 - Man, Tim McCarver loves him some tongue.

12:04 - Chutley homers to right. Uh. Oh.

Phillies 3-1.

12:08 - Howard homers to right. eek. Now Garza is really pissed.

Phillies 4-1.

12:11 - Pat Burrell and Shane Victorino don't even care about history.

12:14 - Pedro Feliz came from the Giants; he's not familiar with success and history in combination. Three outs, big lead. Phillies 4-1.

By the way, we're receiving isolated reports of Comcast service outages in Philadelphia tonight. If you are experiencing such issues, hit our digits like a baby.

TOP OF SEVENTH INNING

12:17 - Safein' Hallion! lets Carl Crawford hang out at his base (first) because he's totally cool and he has Optimus Prime and Hallion only has Megatron and Bumblebee and so that's an infield hit. STUPID LOUSY CHEATIN' UMP!

12:19 - SHUT UP ABOUT OLD SCHOOL THE PROPER OLD WAY OLD OLD WE STILL MATTER EVEN THOUGH WE'RE TOO DAMNED OLD TO DO ANYTHING BUT BUY TICKETS AND CLOG BEER LEAGUE BASEPATHS BE WHITE.

God, we hate that.... soooooo much.

12:22 - Dioner-not-Navi doubles down the left field line, setting up second and third with no outs. Is it possible for Moyer to tire to the point that hitters can catch up to his rocket arm?

12:24 - McCarver says "productive out" but mangles it into a defensive maneuver. In the process of being productive with the glove, Ryan Howard gets Gross out at his own Hallion bag but allows Crawford to score. Phillies 4-2.

12:24 - And goodnight to Moyer, who was the prettiest duckling of all. Please to be enjoying your video distraction:

12:25 - Chad Durbin answers the call. Another groundout by Jason Bartlett scores another runner. Phillies 4-3. McCarver corrects himself about productive outs, making us... you know... so mad.

12:28 - Willy Aybar, professional hitter, pulls a walk from Durbin and Eyre shall join us for a round of "Relief Carousel Theater".

We're getting many reports now of Comcast in Philly and South Jersey going out for 20 minutes, exactly during the back-to-back Philly jacks. Keep those emails coming; we love details.

12:35 - Akinori Iwamura, professional-not-hittin'-worth-a-crap-tonight, strikes out, and we have your Alternate God Bless America show.

BOTTOM OF SEVENTH INNING

12:40 - Carlos Ruiz makes an out of some kind while we get our blood elf on. uh uh SLITHER SLITHER. (Chad Bradford kinda throws like a blood elf.)

12:44 - Geoff Jenkins grounds out and we're getting the same impatient feel from the Phillies suddenly. Gentlemen, this is Chad Bradford... first base is yours if you so desire.

12:46 - Rollins pops out while we try to find a Comcast rep on a Saturday night.

TOP OF EIGHTH INNING

12:50 - Jimmy "All Thumbs" Rollins can't dislodge the ball from his glove and even "Butt-Draggin' Upton" can get to first on another infield hit. We're sure it's Hallion's fault. Ryan Madsen didn't come into the game to take this abuse!

12:55 - The Bear strikes out swingin' and Upton steals second to exact revenge on his batting partner.

12:56 - Carlos Ruiz tries to throw out BeeJay on his next steal attempt (very Vince Coleman-esque... one pitch later) and only throw the ball out of reach of everyone capable of stopping the BeeJay man. Tied 4-4.

1:01 - Crawford flies out and we're back from answering drunken bar bets about Satchel Paige. Seriously, kids, we're bloggin' lively here! Get an iPhone or somethin'.

BOTTOM OF EIGHTH INNING

1:05 - Chad Bradford considers facial hair and the dirt below his knuckles to be his dual canvases. He's robbed of one of them as J.P. Howell is called into action after Jayson Werth listens to us and takes his free base.

1:09 - The Power of Utley was, we believe, one of the lesser-known Huey Lewis and the News B-sides.

1:13 - After a four-minute game of cat-and-mouse that Mannix would be proud of, Werth takes second on a steal.

1:15 - Chutley exiteth on strike three. One down, three weeks to go.

1:16 - And for all that, we've got a dead mouse. Pickoff from second.

1:19 - Strikin' ... Furman? Nermal? We just killed those brain cells when we looked at the clock. Anyway, Mr. Howard has watched strike three. Shall we go to... number nine? Number nine?

TOP OF NINTH INNING

1:21 - The reward for both teams for sticking out the rain delay may be a 2-2:30 am finish and a few hours' sleep before starting again with two depleted bullpens. Thanks, Uncle Bud!

1:24 - Congratulations! You are the recipient of the 1,000,000th strikeout of Game 3 of the 2008 World Series! Please send your bank information to us to collect. (And good night, Dioner!)

1:26 - Gabe Gross dribbles on his right side of the infield, but Chutley cleans up for him.

For Tim McCarver and his li'l nugget of info that he can't live without:

BOTTOM OF NINTH INNING

1:33 - Eric Bruntlett joins J.P. Howell in the Global Conspiracy to Extend the Number of Jim Carrey Ads Fox Gets Out of Tonight Over Six Million.

1:34 - Howell wants no part of the global conspiracy, so he smacks Bruntlett in the thigh with his ball. This prompts more gears to move than a Mousetrap game (when it has all its parts; you know, the first time you play it). There's a double switch coming, a planned bunt, and we wonder when the pinch runner is coming. Hooray National League La Russa Ball!

1:37 - Shane Victorino: the bunter. Grant Balfour: the pitcher. Ben Zobrist: The Zobrist (and right fielder). This has been your YESYESYESENDMAN recap, brought to you by...

... by the letters 'W', 'T', and 'F'. A wild pitch leads to Bruntlett heading to second; the odd bounce off the back wall encourages Navarro to throw to second, which ends up in center; Bruntlett takes third, which uncaps the intentional walk to Victorino, the five-infielder alignment, and six trips to the mound.

And stuff. Dobbs gets the intentional walk to load the bases for the home forceout.

1:37 - Evan Longoria scoops up Carlos Ruiz's half-bunt, half-swing grounder down the third-base line as he dove to the ground and flung the ball 30 feet in the air in the general direction of Dioner-not-Navi. That, ladies and gentlemen, lets Eric Bruntlett score and...

Phillies 5-4.

We said this on a podcast today: the winner of yesterday/today's game wins the series. Game Four seems to require more Shields now, which is a losing proposition; Game 5 is the Cole Hamels Show... we'll listen to other propositions, but we see a Phillies championship.

We will see you lucky SOBs in a few hours and again this evening. Now, if you'll excuse us, Joely Fisher has been waiting for us for a long time. Coming, dear...

* * *

Top 9th

2 4

11:38 — I did my best, master! I tried as hard as I could to keep them undefeated in my live blogs! No, master, not the commenter execution rack! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

11:35 — Oh, Howard slumped that one into the shift for the final out. Joe Buck says David Price gets a save — minutes after saying it's NOT a save situation — then retracts by saying it wasn't statistically a save. What's the relief stat between a hold and a save?

Win: James Shields
Lose: Brett Myers
Nutclutch: David Price

11:34 — Well, nobody listen to me. Utley learns about the hard, unforgiving breaking pitches of the Vanderbilt product.

11:34 — Seriously, folks, am I the only one concerned that Price is throwing a sweet ungodly number of pitches? How long until Maddon names Price the Game 3 starter?

11:32 — So here's what's happening. Werth's screamer to Longoria bounces off his promising young glove and skitters into the outfield. Ruiz rounds third and scores. David Price ... still in there.

11:31 — Kerwin Danley will not overturn Rollins' little popout to short left field. He's cool with it. One out.

11:29 — Rollins gets jersey-knicked, but the home plate umpire didn't at all hear a sound of an overworked arm's fastball grazing against polyester. Joe Maddon thought it was a balk.

11:28 — After 25 pitches, Ruiz will double down the left. Still in there.

11:26 — Maddon will stick with the Dusty Baker Theory Of Practical Application Of Young Arms. The man they call David Price is still in there.

Bottom 8th

1 4

11:24 — Also, Tampa Bay batters do nothing special. This inning was mainly put in place to tell you about Rayhawks and 9=8.

11:22 — Wearing the microphone instead of not being injured is Jonny Gomes, the delightful fella they always show in the dugout being wacky. The inventor of the wildly popular Rayhawk has a long way to go to catch up to Professor Hubert Farnsworth in terms of prolific innovation.

11:20 — Where do assassinated Catholic priests go for slacks? J.C. Romero. He just froze Peña on a strikeout.

Commercial Break

Jason Bartlett stole a base, so America gets a free Taco Bell taco from 2-6 p.m. on October 28. Visit stealabasestealataco.com to find out more. Because, you know, there's more to it than that! They don't tell you about the bowel movements that ensue. The answer ... lies within.

Top 8th

11:15 — Go forth and Feliz no more.

11:14 — Hey look, Eric Bruntlett. Oh, hey look, a home run. Note to the Phillies clubhouse manager: have the starting lineup grow more fair-haired beards.

11:13 — Rays fans are singing "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye," because this game, if won by Tampa Bay, would eliminate Philadelphia from the playoffs?

11:12 — Tim McCarver just can't believe how unfair it is that some GMs can trade guys like Delmon Young away and get dudes like Jason Bartlett and Matt Garza in return. McCarver really got burned in his fantasy baseball league this year by Billy Beane and won't ever forgive him.

11:10 — Let's see how many electric fastballs off the plate Price can bring to the table in this inning.

Commercial Break

This January, on FOX: An eccentric man with a British accent captures America's heart with his dry wit and unusual tactics. I ... forget what show I'm talking about. A lot of them fit.

Bottom 7th

0 4

11:06 — Ouch, that double play hurts things! Upton now has three in the series. And Brett Myers lasts seven.

11:04 — So it was a strike, and therefore the FoxTrax replay shows the ball just barely bordering the strike zone? Sheesh, I'm noticing a pattern. FoxTrax must have the graphic telemetry of a Commodore 64.

11:02 — "B.J." stands for "Bossman Junior." Doesn't it always?

11:01 — Myers is still pitching. Repeat: HE'S STILL PITCHING. Tampa's on their third pitcher, and Myers is still getting batters out. See, there's one. Iwamura lines out. If Melvin Emanuel Upton gets out — or a double play, because those hurt! — Myers will be two innings more durable than Shields.

11:00 — Sure was nice of Joe Buck to remind us of the free taco. We forgot. Jason Bartlett singles, allowing everyone extra packets of hot sauce.

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

Sure, it's satire. But if this bill actually passes, it will be illegal for Joe Theismann to return to the broadcast booth.

Top 7th

10:54 — After establishing the spot 12 inches off the plate about seven times with authority, Price somehow scraped together three strikes to sit Howard down. Two more fellas left on base. SLUMPY SLUMP SLUMP.

10:53 — On the first pitch (borderline again) McCarver wants to see a replay. They show it. "Wow, that pitch was right there." Uh, thanks for the nondescript conclusion, Tim.

10:51 — This is the beginning of a seven-out save, right? Well, it's not a good one, now that Chaseton Utley looks at four straight wacky pitches off the plate.

10:49 — And Wheeler gets the heave-ho for David Price time. Hey, Tim was right about something. Apply credit to the designated space where credit is often due.

10:46 — Werth stares at a borderliney strike on the outside corner. FoxTrax calls it "just outside." (Which it looked to me.) McCarvTrax calls it "perfect." McCarvTrax has evolved beyond the Cartesian plane and uses velocity, pitcher reactions, and an X-factor known only as "Enrico Palazz-O-Meter." Perfect pitch.

10:42 — Rollins gets ahold of a couple dust particles on the swing, but his strikeout does help Ruiz steal second base. Hey, a runner in scoring position! This is a good thing for Philadelphia!

10:41 — Tim predicts Wheeler will be yanked after two more batters to make way for the phenom closer du jour David Price. Oh, I don't know.

10:38 — If Chris Berman does this highlight, he'll say "Carlos ... Thelma And Ruiz draws a walk. WHOOP!"

10:36 — Dan Wheeler remains in the game to throw flat curveballs to Carlos Ruiz, who hits what would be a triple in Super Baseball 2020 but a foul ball in the real world of non-robot athletics.

10:34 — Some footage of Baldelli sitting down to rest his mitochondria before running back out to right field. I think we have our new Lifetime movie.

Bottom 6th

0 4

10:31 — Myers blasts through the inning, and even though he gave up four more runs than Shields, he still lasted longer in the game. Oh, Joe Maddon. You and your wacky managing gambits!

10:28 — They're warming up David Price! Yes, finally, he's getting the closer's respect he deserves! Great to ... wait, it's not the 8th inning yet? And the other de facto closer has already been used? This sounds like a save situation for Trever Miller!

Top 6th

10:25 — And the pitching switch "works." Feliz grounds out, and now the pen gets to work three more innings. Woohoo! Two more stranded baserunners, one of them on third base, for 'Delphia.

10:24 — A Matt Stairs mention — not just that, but a replay — at the 6th inning. Just one inning shy of the bingo square. Maybe next time.

10:21 — With dudes on the corners and 2 outs, and the always dangerous (!?) Pedro Feliz stepping up, Joe Maddon is ready for a change. James Shields finishes 5 2/3 innings with no earned runs (For now). Oh good, Tampa yanks their starter inexplicably and gives their bullpen a sizeable lead. No way this turns out badly for St. Tampasburg.

10:19 — HE COULDN'T SEE THAT BASE HIT, JOE. Dobbs' blooper gets trapped by Upton, at which point Tim McCarver is reminded of his teammate Garry Maddox, who also had such stellar defense that he used to trap balls like that too.

10:18 — Joe Buck is already blasting Greg Dobbs for not seeing the ball well. Matt Stairs paid him 50 bucks to say that every time he came up to bat.

10:16 — Victorino gets a ball by Peña for a single. Apparently Carlos was playing in for a bunt. With two outs. People prepare for other people to bunt with two outs.

10:14 — One side of Tropicana Field is cheering "Tampa!" The other half is saying "Bay!" Understandably, St. Petersburg is a little harder to split into a bicameral cheer.

10:12 — Howard gets a shift out, bringing us to Fox's Game 2 summary. There are two bullet points, and one of them is about Philly's batting stats with runners at third for the entire series. So it's more like a "World Series summary, with partial emphasis on Game 2." That'll fit on the screen, just decrease the font. Control-Shift-minus sign. Go on, do it. Do it.

10:11 — Ryan Howard's last home run? It was against the Nationals. And you thought they couldn't jimmy their way into the Series discussion. You heard it here first, folks: Nats-Jays in the 2009 World Series!

Bottom 5th

0 4

10:07 — Crawford strands a man with his second base groundout, but it's okay, because they're winning, despite that chump Longoria swinging at everything he can't hit.

10:05 — A strikeout for Evan McDreamypants. Yesterday's headline: "Can Phils Continue To Win With Slumping Cleanup Hitter?" Tomorrow's headline: "Can Rays Continue To Win With Slumping Cleanup Hitter? In Related Story: Ryan Howard Still Not Producing"

10:03 — Carlos Ruiz skips the ball to right field, and it bounces three times. Make a wish! Was it that Carlos Peña advance to second on the snap throw error? I hope not, because if you told me, it wouldn't have come true.

10:00 — Myers shifts all of Peña's pitches outside the strike zone, and he'll walk as a result.

Top 5th

9:57 — Baldelli hustleruns toward the searing line drive, which is a metaphor for his mysterious illness, and doubles up the overzealous Jayson Werth, which is metaphor for poor baserunning.

9:55 — And the password is ... 712l6nmQ4536b. I think. Careful, though. Dialing this number will get you the president of Botswana.

9:53 — Walk, Carlos Ruiz. Go on, just walk. NOW RUN! Rollins gets his teammate to eventually walk back to the dugout and suit up in padding after Rollins' speed demotes a double play into a mere forceout.

Bottom 4th

0 4

9:47 — Gruden's boy Aki tries that "ground ball with a man on third" magic, but unfortunately there were already two outs. ENNH. Thanks for playing!

9:46 — The Rays' third run crosses the plate in which a hit wasn't necessary. Jason Bartlett's momma's got a squeeze box, Tampa never sleeps at night.

9:44 — We secretly replaced Baldelli's double play groundball with Fielder's Choice crystals. Let's see if the Phillies notice.

9:43 — Navarro singles too, which is like that one Foo Fighters song. You know, the one about singling to center.

9:40 — Floyd gets a bat-shatterin' single to left, which is just like that one Andy Griffith episode where Deputy Fife oh who am I kidding I never saw that show.

Top 4th

9:37 — Feliz picks the ball up, but just enough to ground out to strand ANOTHER couple of good men. That's five LOB in four innings for the Phillies, three of which were on third base. In short, they got Tampa Bay RIGHT where they want them.

9:36 — Greg Dobbs can't pick the ball up. He can't pick it up. He can't pick it up. Of course he can't pick it up. If he touches it, he's out. Or if he swings at strike #3, which just happened.

9:32 — Iwamura "saves a run" by catching the deflected groundball that Shane Victorino beat out. If Greg Dobbs gets a base hit, then no, no he didn't save a run.

9:30 — If there was no shift, Ryan Howard has a groundout. But instead he singles up the recalibrated middle. Tim McCarver reminds us all that the Cleveland Indians were the first team to employ the shift back in the 1940s, because they were told that Nazis were dead pull hitters.

Bottom 3rd

0 3

9:26 — Brett Myers is 25 percent settled in, and 25 percent dialed in. That leaves a 50 percent combination of being erratic, getting behind in batters, and Retsyn™.

Commercial Break

It doesn't seem fair that Gatorade's "And The Legend Continues" slogan was shamelessly ripped from Boggy Creek II.

Top 3rd

9:21 — Ground balls are all the rage today. Chase Utley, trendsetter. Chase Utley, inning-ender. Chase Utley, detracting people away from Ryan Howard's slump.

9:18 — Rollins gets the attention of all infielders by jumping up and down, yelling "Look at me!" and distracting them all while Ruiz creeps over to third. Also, that grounder to the right side of the infield might've had something to do with it.

9:15 — Ruiz really does smash a double that never gets more than four feet off the ground. More angle, Carlos. Angle it up a bit. Didn't you ever play Worms? You need to get some air under that ball next time.

Bottom 2nd

0 3

9:12 — Upton bucks the trend by actually getting a base hit with a guy on third, and Navarro will cross home plate easily, but Rocco Baldelli, with pockets full of OxyContin, can't pick up enough speed to beat the throw home or to knock over Carlos Ruiz and his American spirit. Danley calls him out, and does not defer to first to double check. Just the one run for now.

9:11 — Another great chance for the Rays to score a run without getting a hit and Iwamura's soft flair is grabbed by Rollins a guy who Tim says "gets around." I thought mainstream baseball people didn't care about the personal life of ballplayers?

9:08 — Bartlett swings — or did he? — and an infield dribbler loads the bases.

9:07 — Baldelli is called out on strikes, then Kerwin Danley overturns his own call by appealing to first base, who says he didn't go. Joe Maddon probably thought it was a balk.

9:06 — Ken Rosenthal, with Rocco Baldelli (I think)'s life lesson: "I've learned the art of taking one handful at a time." This was also Dwight Gooden's life lesson, but it meant something completely different.

9:03 — Jimmy Rollins throws out Cliff Floyd. And this is precious. Tim McCarver likes the phrase "Jimmy throws out Floyd," because it reminds him of The Andy Griffith Show. Sadly, that's the second Floyd The Barber reference I've heard on mass media today, the first being on Sirius radio. So Craig Shoemaker and Tim McCarver will have something to talk about when they attend MayBerryCon '08 in Billings, Montana.

Top 2nd

9:00 — Pedro Feliz does a great defensive thing and lines out to center field, where BJ Upton just got a great jump on the ball, allowing him to not hustle to where it landed.

8:58 — Greg Dobbs is quite perverse. He got a thrill out of just watching strike three go by. Please, there are children present in the stadium!

8:57 — Big game, big wild pitch. Everybody move up a base, that's just as good as a balk.

8:55 — Burrell's just walkin' to first. Don't mind him.

8:55 — A Chris Myers exclusive report. Ryan Howard would get out of the slump if he just saw the ball. So that's what went wrong. He had his eyes closed all this time!

8:54 — Fox, what's the intent of a strike zone graphic replay when they swing and miss?

8:52 — Joe Buck brings up the silly time Joe Maddon used four outfielders in a defensive shift. Hey, that'd been useful to prevent that Ryan Howard double to deep, deep center. Or, hey, just keep using the same ol' "43 infielders between first and second" alignment.

Bottom 1st

0 2

8:48 — Carl Crawford grounds out and gets nothing but a slap on the ass. (Not the good kind.)

8:48 — There go the Rays again, not getting hits with guys in scoring position. Longoria recklessly grounds out to short. Oh, but it does score another run.

8:46 — They still went shifty-ass on Peña, despite a lot of runners on base. Carlos bats in a run with a pulled pork groundball. Mmm. Does anyone have barbecue sauce made somewhere in the Bible Belt? I'd like to just drink it straight from the squeezy bottle if that's all right.

8:43 — Iwamura walked and scampered to third after Upton hustles out a double, wiping away all other times he didn't hustle, but not any future unforeseen hustling moments.

8:42 — Brett Myers could DH. Aw, 1/5 the way toward a bingo! Now they show close-ups of Myers' four pitches. Hey, no spoilers!

8:40 — Jon Gruden with the INTENSE VISOR SWITCH to announce the starting lineup. Wow, he's not even going to try and pronounce "Akinori Iwamura." He'll just settle for "Our boy Aki." That's why he went into football — so he wouldn't have to pronounce those goofy Asian names, right, Grudes?

Top 1st

8:37 — Shields, the man who pitches well in big games or something, gets through the first inning perfecgtly. (By the way: Shields' record in small, shitty-ass games? 2-13, 17.42 ERA)

8:36 — Don Zimmer is one of two living members of the 1955 Dodgers, the other guy not being nearly as pudgy and adorable.

8:34 — Evan Longoria knocks down the ball instead of fielding it cleanly. This prevents him from having to rush the throw, and therefore is successful in throwing out Werth.

8:32 — Joe Buck: "Shields features that good changeup." But you ... said ... very good ... just ... then ...

8:31 — James Shields has a scouting report, too:

• BIG GAME JAMES. Phillies should watch out for James' "big game" cheat code at all costs, and adjust to it with the password "clutch hitting."
• VERY GOOD CHANGEUP. It's very good, especially in big games.
• MOVES FASTBALL IN & OUT. Likes to throw it in different spots. Some poor pitchers do this unintentionally.

Telecast

8:29 — Keys to the Game! Yay!

"PHILADELPHIA: WHERE IS RYAN HOWARD?" Batting fourth and playign at first base. You just said that.

"TAMPA: DON'T WANT TO GO TO PHILADELPHIA 0-2... NO KIDDING" Ha, even Joe Buck said they were "stating the obvious." That'll do quite nicely.

8:27 — We're still tied in a scoreless pitcher's duel! Also, Ryan Howard is hitless in the game.

8:25 — What? Just ONE time announcing the lineup? I guess Fox doesn't have a quota to fill after all.

8:14 — And now for the Backstreet Boys' ethnic twins, Los Lonely Boys, to sing the national anthem. I actually don't want to gouge my eyes out, so this is a positive thing.

8:10 — Must be a new policy at NewsCorp. Every canned segment on Fox Sports must be accompanied by one of John Williams' lesser known arrangements.

8:02 — It appears they really, really liked that McCain/Obama baseball history quote national pastime montage so much, they made a sequel. Just think, it could be worse. Eric Byrnes and Mark Grace could have recited some INCREDIBLY WACKY AND UNPREDICTABLE lines alongside hovering portraits of Robert McNamara and Adlai Stevenson. Actually, I change my mind. I'd like to see that.

Pre-Game Babble

This game is a MUST WIN for Tampa Bay. Alternately, it is a MUST WIN for Philadelphia. If neither of these teams wins the game, it puts them at a disadvantage. (Damn, I really need to start writing game previews or keys to the game. "I think starting pitching will also be a factor!" God, this is easy.)

Actually it's more of a must-win for Tampa Bay, because if the Phillies get a 2-0 jump on the champeenship series, I have to cancel weekend live blogs so the Rays can even things up in Philly.

Or maybe for my own sanity, it's a must-win for Philadelphia, otherwise AJ will beat me.

W-L Record In Deadspin Live Blogs

Phillies: 6-0

Rays: 1-2

Starting Lineups

Philadelphia
1. Jimmy "Snooze Alarm" Rollins
2. Jayson "Jeighsunne" Werth
3. Chase "C-Ut" Utley
4. Ryan "Five, five dollar, five dollar" Howard
5. Pat "Sacks" Burrell
6. Shane "The Magically Levitating Pac-Islander" VIctorino
7. Greg "Dobbington" Dobbs
8. Pedro "Für" Feliz
9. Carlos "Squat" Ruiz

Tampa Bay
1. 2B Akinori "Strandy" Iwamura
2. CF B.J. "Mosey" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "Squiggy" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Metaphorical And Literal Cornerstone" Longoria
5. LF Carl "Con Carne" Crawford
6. DH Cliff "Stumpy" Floyd
7. C Dioner "I'm Open!" Navarro
8. RF Rocco "Prognosis" Baldelli
9. SS Triple Queso Jason Bartlett Grande

And now, your bingo starting lineup.

* * *

Bottom 9th

3 2

It's after midnight, so it's time for bed, children. Thanks for clicking and typing and refreshing. But mostly refreshing. I'll see every one of you (metaphorically, until Gawker's tech guys can install reverse cameras in the website) here tomorrow.

12:01 — Pedro Feliz trips backward into the foul pop fly, which he appropriately catches. (It's always "appropriate" when some guy gets the final out. Lidge saves the day yet again, and the Philbins are now 6-0 in Deadspin Live Blogs. This is starting to get weird.

11:59 — Tim calls Lidge's slider away a "cement mixer." That gives him a delightful idea for a new mixed drink. Two parts scotch, one part rosin, and stirred using a Spirograph.

11:58 — Evan Longoria goofily lunges at his third strike. Off you go.

11:55 — Brad Lidge 2.0 starts the inning off properly with a third strike that Peña can only admire.

Commercial Break

Let's see if WebMD has the answers I need ... [types in "satan raped me"] Hmm ... that doesn't help me too much.

Top 9th

11:51 — Ah, a pop to second won't move anyone home. Lidge's margin of error remains fragile.

11:49 — Bruntlett has the stubble power of Matt Stairs, but clearly his biscuits-and-gravy intake needs work.

11:47 — Captain Planet needs you, Dan Wheeler! Eric Bruntlett has a tawdry history of littering. You know what to do.

11:45 — Miller squarely blitzkriegs Howard's at bat on the outside corner, and he gets redemption after eight years of revenge. Now Maddon will slough off his LOOGY for someone who can last more than six pitches a night.

11:42 — Ah, this is what we've been waiting for. Trever Miller against his former team. All the bad blood comes down to this. (Well, c'mon, this 9th inning is like a Dramamine smoothie. Someone needs to jazz it up.)

11:40 — Joe Maddon will instead let Balfour give up a double to Jayson Werth and walk Utley — but with the SHIFT ON! — and then pull him.

11:36 — Joe Maddon will opt to let Balfour continue owning Phillies hitting late.

Bottom 8th

3 2

11:32 — Nuh-uh. Upton swings and leaves the hallucinatory shadow men on base.

11:28 — Iwamura's fourth hit? Pssh. It's actually a fly to right. But now Upton FINALLY bats with nobody on base, so that solo shot is just around the corner, idnit?

11:22 — Ryan Madson will be the eighth inning overfunded pork parrel "Bridge To Lidge" for tonight.

Top 8th

11:19 — Balfour was promised a free Vegemite cowbell if he got 7-8-9 in order. He was rewarded properly.

Commercial Break

Just so I have my oversaturated commercials in order, "Routan Boom" is Fox's latest hit show coming this fall. "Silverado" quality you look for in a light beer. And Frank Caliendo does a dead-on-but-not-hilarious impression of a volcano taco.

Bottom 7th

3 2

11:14 — Hamels hangs in the game long enough to pimp slap the bottom of the order one more time.

11:10 — Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon star in, Five Years Ago We'd Be In Better Films. With Jon Voight in a throwaway role? You bet your cheap theater ticket stub he is!

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

Really, if I said nothing more than "monkey" and "segway" at this juncture, and you didn't watch this video, is there anything else I could have done?

Top 7th, Still

11:04 — Balfour, the Australian, was brought in to pitch to Victorino, the switch-hitting Hawaiian. It's because they're near each other, isn't it? If there was a Guamanian in the bullpen, they'd have used him. But Balfour K's Victorino to, again, make a baserunner weep by not scoring.

Commercial Break

11:01 — Taco Bell really wants to compete with restaurants like Ruth's Chris by saying "why have a small-looking steak that tastes great when you can have this big burrito thing, the only ingredient of which that has any nutritional content whatsoever is probably the tortilla?" But hey, they're open late!

Top 7th

10:59 — Pat Burrell walking is grounds for Howell's removal from the mound. Grant Balfour, GET YOUR ASS UP THERE.

10:55 — I don't care who you are, random swearing picked up on field microphones are great. When Utley was almost picked off on a snap throw to third, there was an errant, "Get outta here, god damnit!" I don't know the backstory, but it sure is fun to dream. I imagine it's a hardcore Tampa Bay Rays fan yelling at his girlfriend. How hardcore is he? He bought a piece of Tampa merchandise in 2007.

10:51 — Chase Utley steals second. Everyone gets free Fazoli's breadsticks.

10:49 — Joe Maddon and umpire Tim Welke kindly agree to disagree on the balk-no balk on Hamels' pickoff move to first. "I understand what you're saying" was uttered by both gentlemen. The satin gloves did not need to come off and graze the backside of either lad's cheeks. Time for crumpets. I think Greg Creed might have a few in his trousers.

10:49 — Scott Kazmir gets the Grady Little Seal Of Approval and remains in the game. [Edit: Oh, that's JP Howell. Nevermind, I forgot Tampa Bay has 43 lefthanded pitchers.]

Bottom 6th

3 2

10:44 — Aw, Mr. Crawfish. Carl completes the disappointing inning with a groundout. Lenny is crestfallen.

10:43 — Longoria looks at strike three while the town crier of technology, the strike zone replay, shows it was inside. Well, technically, ALL of these pitches are inside, but that's not important right now.

10:42 — Never mind the error. It's wiped clean by catching him running to second and just barely throwing him out. Just barely throwing out Carlos Peña? Did Howard shot-put the ball to second?

10:40 — How many bumbles and bobbles does it take Ryan Howard to commit to allow Peña to reach first on an error?

Top 6th

10:37 — Kazmir escapes the inning with minimal damage, and will return to the dugout to repair his shields and reload his phasers. But Chad "Groundhugger" Bradford and J.P. "Josephine" Howell were warming up on the sidelines. I'm thinking Maddon should pull Kazmir. We saw how well that worked last week.

10:35 — Coste pops up and Chris Myers has the exclusive with the president of Taco Bell, Greg Creed. What's that ... an accent? Hey now, I thought Mexican food was an American thing! I'm so disillusioned.

10:33 — Maybe Kazmir's weakness is the folks with Z's in their name. Pedro Feliz is giving him fits, and Ruiz has a walk and RBI. Quick, see if Todd Zeile wants one last swing at the plate!

Commercial Break

PC's apparent response to Mac commercials: "Oh yeah? Well WE have laptops! Do you?"

Bottom 5th

3 2

10:28 — Ryan Howard battles a sea of inept hands trying to catch a ball (so THAT's where last year's Tampa team went!) and snares the foul pop to continue Upton's piss poor night at the plate. I don't think he deserves free processed food. Do you?

10:27 — Can BJ Upton find a way to get into a double play with two outs? He'll have to be creative, and if he pulls it off, we'll time-warp into the sixth inning with one out on the scoreboard.

10:25 — Iwamura's third hit is a gapper that drives in #9 Combo Meal, and it's a one-run game. Now Bartlett can FINALLY head to the bathroom.

10:22 — Aaand ... a stolen base. Taco Belltlett? Jason Burritolett? Whatever the case, the taco you will get for free will be indispensable indigestible.

10:20 — Jason Bartlett has earned Hamels' respect at the plate, and walks him for the second time tonight.

10:15 — Tim notes that Dioner Navarro, like his backstop counterpart, Carlos Ruiz, is also from Venezuela. Now, there are so many interesting angles you can take on this one, but Tim opts for the "neither were drafted, because the draft doesn't go into Latin America" route. Other viable options:

• Neither can run for US President
• Neither grew up watching "Saved By The Bell"
• Neither took the SAT
• Neither were born in Panama
• Neither voted against Hugo Chavez

10:14 — Oh, I was totally going to put that lottery code on my bingo card. I was three numbers off.

Commercial Break

A lesson in timing and technology. Ten years ago, a touchscreen computer would have been amazing. Today, marketing a personal computer with a touch monitor just looks like one can pretend they're working at a restaurant in their own home. Screw touch technology! Can it fit in my pocket and send e-mail while on a train?

Top 5th

10:09 — Burrell's little squib hit is fielded by Kazmir, but Pat's lumbering body gets in the way of the gentle throw to Peña, who can't handle it. Somewhere, Chuck Knoblauch stops everything he's doing and argues with the man closest to him about how that should have been interference.

10:09 — Two close, close pitches to Burrell. And everyone agrees. The replay: WAY OFF THE PLATE.

10:07 — I'm pretty sure I just saw a fan wearing a throwback Phils uniform banging a cowbell. Somebody brief him on what his percussive message actually translates to in Tampa.

10:05 — Ryan Howard gets the full count walk. It was not a strike. That's because there was not a swing!

10:03 — Joe: "That was a bad 3-0 swing." Tim: "That's because it was a bad 3-0 pitch." [jams pen into forehead]

Bottom 4th

3 1

9:56 — And Aybar will ... nah, just the one run for this inning.

9:54 — After two speedy outs, a conversation with Rich Dubee is interrupted by his pitcher allowing a homer to Carl Crawford. Too bad I don't think it was live, else I'd love to have had praise for his young pitcher cut short by some swearing.

Top 4th

9:50 — Jimmy Rollins, jealous of Ruiz's easy RBI, just strikes out.

9:49 — Ruiz gets the gift-wrapped RBI by grounding to shortstop and having the benefit of runners on base and less than two out. Lucky dog.

9:48 — "The Phillies have no stolen bases but it seems like they have three." No, Tim. No it doesn't. It feels like they have zero actually. Perhaps you're just that into your Strat-O-Matic season?

9:47 — Every steal attempt is offset by some kind of contact made by the batter, ruining free tacos for everyone. Maybe Burger King should sponsor every team's hit and run.

9:46 — Ol' Kazmir's all hot and bothered by Victorino on base. He can't concentrate. Stop staring at his tits, Kazmir, and focus on your catcher's crotch! Feliz reaches for a single.

9:43 — Upton can't reach Victorino's dying quail, so he just lets it bounce behind him and lets Zobrist field it.

Bottom 3rd

2 0

9:39 — BJ Upton loves him some double plays. With the pads all touched by Rays, a hard ball to Feliz turns into an inning-ending double play. Because double plays are bad for teams.

9:35 — The only logical man to steal the first base of the series is Iwamura. If we had "Tacoby Bellsbury" last year, then Taconori Iwamura is so far the only pun-on-words I can think up right now. Aki gets a single to right that doesn't score Zobrist, turning this inning into one awesome T-ball moment.

9:34 — Keeping the perfect symmetrical chi of Game 1, Jason Bartlett is walked, and both #9 hitters got free passes to first so far.

9:33 — Aw, they finally showed Jason Bartlett announcing himself. Adorable.

9:32 — Dioner Navarro can do nothing, but Ben Zobrist proves Joe Maddon a gut managing genius by singling. He lets his gall bladder pick the lineup, and sure enough it worked here.

Commercial Break

I may not be interested in ostrich burgers, but I will never let a beer delivery man give me culinary advice.

Top 3rd

9:27 — And Burrell fails at life, if life were nothing but that particular atbat. There's another runner Kazmir kept on base and left him there to starve, bringing the total to four for the night. What a bend-but-not-break pitcher! Oh, he's also down by two.

9:24 — So there's a big honkin' hole between second and third, because Longoria has to cover third. So why not just, oh, not play the shift? One of Howard's foul balls landed feet shy of an opposite field double. He ended up striking out, but god, why leave half of Florida open for Howard to mash a ball to?

9:23 — Utley advances the runner at the expense of his own batting average.

9:22 — Rust vs. rest. Square logic.

9:21 — Werth tinks an opposite field hit. Ben Zobrist hustlehearts his way to foul territory to get it, but isn't even close to throwing out Werth at second.

Commercial Break

So between Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley, Christie Brinkley was the one who didn't have anything else to do but strip naked for a DirecTV commercial? I owe someone five bucks.

Bottom 2nd

2 0

9:16 — If you are a fan of quick innings, then the bottom of the second is for you. Crawford flew out and Willy Aybar foul tips strike three into the spacious catcher's mitt. SWITCH!

9:13 — Carl Crawford, the veteran of the team. Joe: "He played for Tampa Bay way back when they were called the Devil Rays." So, last year.

9:12 — Laudatory things about Evan Longoria. Oh, he strikes out. Nevermind.

Commercial Break

Oh, good, an MLB Network launching nextyear! Expect your cable channel not to carry it.

Top 2nd

9:09 — Hey, lookit that. Rollins' sac fly wasn't sac fly-y enough and Upton leis a beatdown on Victorino trying to score. That's a double play — what an inning killer!! — and they ruin a bases loaded chance.

9:08 — Tim McCarver, percentages, baserunners, and "thinking." I think. To dictate what he says, analyze it, and put it into English terms would require hazard pay.

9:07 — And ... THEY'RE RUNNING FOR TACOS! Oh, never mind, ball four. Congrats, Kazmir, you walked Pedro Feliz and Carlos Ruiz. There's no stopping you now!

9:04 — Buck finishes his story about the cowbell, and yes, it was SNL/Blue Öyster Cult-inspired. Of course. How many non-Gene Frenkle cowbell inspirational stories are out there?

9:04 — Feliz walks and Chris Coste pops out. It's a good thing the 1-7 batters are decent. Just don't count on them to score or anything once they reach the end of the lineup. It's like watching the Nationals.

9:01 — Finally, a diagram on the catwalks and which ones are doubles, home runs, and foul balls when struck. What Joe Buck didn't go over is what happens if someone jumps down from the catwalk in the middle of the opera.

8:59 — Joe Buck reports that Scott Kazmir has a tendency to get in trouble and get himself out of it. Just as he works Pedro Feliz into a 3-0 count. Ah, this is totally natural then! So when the score's 8-0, you know he's probably done with his early inning jitters and will throw nothing but strikeouts for the rest of the game.

8:57 — Shane Victorino bats. He was born on an island! How kooky! His broken bat hit goes back up the middle like a, um, volcanic eruption? And can't be fielded cleanly for a base hit.

Bottom 1st

2 0

8:54 — They should just have turf circles on which fielders stand whenever Ryan Howard and Carlos Peña step up to bat. He grounds out and the first World Series inning is fini.

8:53 — BJ Upton didn't want runners on base anyway. He checks his bat into a double play, but he meant to do that. He'd rather have a solo home run in the fourth. McCarver tops the moment with something about how double plays kill innings. Interesting.

8:51 — Nobody can beat Iwamura to the bag on an infield hit. NOBODY.

8:50 — Ha. Jason Bartlett, the one indispensable player on the lineup, was the only guy Fox could afford to cut out of their footage.

8:49 — KEY TO ANNOUNCING THE STARTING LINEUP FOR TAMPA: Line up behind Iwamura.

Top 1st

8:47 — Pat Burrell quickly strikes out, ending the rally Joe Buck's anecdote about cowbells. Never start something long-winded with two outs, Joe. You knew that.

8:46 — Honestly, why not just put one fielder in short right field and give everyone else a power nap in left field? Ryan Howard always grounds there. Two out.

8:44 — Utley hit right into the shift ... and over it. A home run slaps a quick 2-0 lead on the board.

8:44 — Thanks, Fox, for doing a strike zone graphic replay on a ball that bounced in the dirt. It sure was close!

8:42 — Chase Utley is getting the shifty love, which seems odd. "Maybe they thought he was Ryan Howard." Oh, sure, BECAUSE ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE. Very classy, Tim.

8:41 — Jayson Werth breaks up Kazmir's perfect game with a walk.

8:39 — And you laughed at Ben Zobrist getting the start. He catches the first out of the World Series by Jimmy Rollins.

Pregame

8:37 — Oh, thank God. Fox's Keys to the Game:

Philly: LINE UP BEHIND HAMELS. All the fielders, single file. Don't worry. Jason Barlett will still hit it to you.

Tampa POUNCE ON HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. This was actually a canned key to the game from the Detroit Tigers, whose mascot actually has paws, who they crowned World Series champion back in March and never changed it. Plus, "STING SOMEONE BEHIND YOU TO GET HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE" didn't fit on the screen.

8:31 — Now Fox is announcing the starting lineup. Which they ... just ... did ... on the field, like, fifteen minutes ago. Will they go through the lineup again in the second inning?

"I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on Pedro Feliz, third base, batting seventh."

8:28 — Say, what happened to announcing the time of the actual first pitch? Why all this 8 p.m. shit when it doesn't happen until at least a half hour after that?

8:26 — It's before the 5th inning, but David Price is already mentioned ... enh, I'll see if they can squeeze him until after the first pitch.

8:23 — Frank Caliendo found his way out of TBS and into our homes for the World Series. This makes me wonder what horrible show Fox will try and get us to watch the next two weeks. Oh, look, The Simpsons has another Halloween episode coming out!

8:20 — I've just been handed a note from Tropicana Field. "While the Backstreet Boys are singing the Star Spangled Banner on the field, beer and popcorn service in Section 213 will be suspended until they can get back up there."

8:19 — I think the Backstreet Boys just got booed before the national anthem. How classless! They're going to sing this country's theme song and ... oh, god. Oh, GOD. OH MY GOD STOP SINGING LIKE THAT! NO NO NO YOU'RE KILLING BABY EAGLES AND SETTING FLAGS ON FIRE WITH THAT KIND OF HARMONIZATION.

8:17 — Live lineup announcements are so much fun. It's an easy way to draw out advertising dollars instead of, oh I don't know, write them down on the Internet.

8:13 — Okay, is Elizabeth Banks in EVERY movie? Zack and Miri Make A Porno. I just saw a commercial for her in Role Models. She's also Laura Bush in W. I wasn't aware it was possible for a hot woman to endure overkill but maybe she can just go for the metaphoric sweep and portray Erin Andrews in an unauthorized biopic next year.

8:09 — Oh good, the Free Taco contest is making a comeback. If anyone steals a base, everyone gets a free taco from Taco Bell, which just means for one day the nation gets their product at what it's worth.

8:07 — Jeanne Zelasko gets the ball rolling by nailing the catwalk square. Please mark it off with a tuft of fake, blonde hair, or if you don't have that, some gold-painted wiring.

8:05 — Mark Grace, that jokester! He said he picked Tampa to reach the World Series in the preseason. He also predicted the playoffs would expand to 28 teams by this year.

8:01 — Oh, good. John McCain and Barack Obama (sound only) are reading quotes about baseball alongside a video montage of baseball's role in history. They're only doing that so they can get out of picking a definitive team in this World Series; Barack Obama is cheering for both, and John McCain hates both teams because they're far away from Arizona and are young and vibrant. Politics!

Pre-Game Babble

God. I knew I'd have been inundated with Manny Ramirez vs. Boston Red Sox columns were that the World Series, but now I'm sick of the countless columns about Rays lefty specialist Trever Miller facing his old team, the Philadelphia Phillies. Aren't you sick of it too? I'd link to an example but ... but ... I just can't figure out which one to pick. Yes, that's the reason.

I can't really figure out who will win this one. The matchup is like two pieces of different jigsaw puzzles. You don't know how they're going to match up until you see them together, and even then it's hard to tell, so you just leave them out and see which one the dog eats.

Also, to all the other liveblogs going on by diligent, talented Internet writers and fans alike: I really hate competing with you guys, because you're all so smart and quick, so let's not quabble and fight for pageviews, so why doesn't everyone just close up shop and watch this one. It's really the simplest answer.

W-L Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Phillies: 5-0
Rays: 1-1

Starting Lineups

Philadelphia
1. SS Jimmy "Hustlebuck" Rollins
2. RF Jayson "Scuttlebutt" Werth
3. 2B Chase "Stillstanding" Utley
4. 1B Ryan "Pullshift" Howard
5. LF Pat "Brows" Burrell
6. CF Shane "Mainland" Victorino
7. 3B Pedro "The Rally Stopper" Feliz
8. DH Chris "All Between Matt Stairs And The Starting Lineup" Coste
9. C Carlos "Brett Myers" Ruiz

Tampa Bay
1. 2B Akinori "Steve" Iwamura
2. CF BJ "You're Thinking Of Delmon" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "Slappy" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Won't Error At All" Longoria
5. LF Carl "Music Factory" Crawford
6. DH Willy "Current Occupant" Aybar
7. C Dioner "Catcher" Navarro
8. Ben "I Don't Who I Am Either" Zobrist
9. Jason "I'll Throw Myself Out" Bartlett

Speaking of bingo, notice anything different?

Sure, the World Series warrants additional photoshoppery, but seeing that our apple pushing friends over at Gizmodo came up with this great live blog bingo idea a few weeks ago, it made me realize that, hey, maybe it's time for a new bingo look. After all, why can't us have color bingo cards?

* * *

Top 9th

1 3

11:46 — Now Sager can go back and finish his fireside chat with LaMar. But he'll settle for David Price. Not asked: "how do you throw that fast?" and "what weighs more: the entire team jumping on you, or YOUR MOM?"

M'kay. I'm done. Look at this website when the Rays-Phillies [shiver] ratchets up Wednesday night. And whether you're a Tampa native or a Bostonian, we can all agree that the nation wins because Frank TV ads have kicked the proverbial bucket. Good night, Internet!

11:44 — B.J. Upton gets interviewed by Craig Sager while wearing a championship hat in the least fashionable way possible.

11:40 — Jed Lowrie finished the ALDS with a ground ball to the right side. He finishes the ALCS off almost the same way, but the opposite. The ball gets snurfed up by Iwamura, who handles the forceout himself. Ballgame over. Red Sox season over. So I've been meaning to ask this question for all of four seconds now: why is the team that signed Greg Vaughn all those years ago going to the World Series? I may never get over that.

11:38 — Jason Varitek does what the other guy did, which is strike out. And maybe he no longer plays for Boston because the rumors will be too much for him that he'll accidentally sign with Kansas City. Good luck!

11:36 — I always wondered if a spider knows that an apartment dweller notices him for about five minutes before he gets squished. On a related note, David Price demolishes Mark Kotsay on a 2-2 fastball on the outside hemisphere of the strike zone.

11:34 — Leadoff walks are good, right? Well, Jason Bay has himself one.

11:31 — Price remains pitching, and his first one to Jason Bay? Down the middle, 95 mph. Kwalité beginning. Two pitches later he puts Bay to the dirt with an inside fastball. God loves a fast wild-throwing rookie pitcher who doesn't know just how big this moment is for him. Or maybe that's just sportswriters. I get the two confused, what with Bill Plaschke's heavenly celestial stubble.

Commercial Break

October Gonzo reminds us AT THIS POINT IN THE GAME that this month is very important to the sport of baseball. Good information!

Bottom 8th

1 3

11:28 — All the interesting things happened in the other part of the inning. Hope you're fine with Tampa Bay going down submissively in this part of the inning to the arm of Hideki Okajima. Thank you in advance for understanding. But it looks like David Price will remain chucking ninetysomethings to the catcher to aim for the four-out save.

11:24 — Ahhh, that was fun. Oh, wait, there's still a game going on?

Back To the 8th

11:19 — Sweet buttery fuck. You can just hear Dioner Navarro channeling his inner Jake Taylor after those first two blazin' strikes. "Well, shit, all these pitches choose from. Maybe we'll try somethin' different this time." J.D. Drew leaves the men on base with a rather emasculating strikeout.

11:18 — The Tampan response to Joba Chamberlain (but without the booze), David Price, will try and get the second out.

Commercial Break

There's not at all a racial element to this Axe commercial with the chocolate man being adored and smooched by all those pretty girls. But one thing's for sure. Ken Rosenthal thinks he won't sign with Boston anytime soon.

Top 8th

11:15 — After digging out of a 3-0 hole, Bradford's riseball lands inside for the walk to load the bases. Now Bradford's done.

11:14 — Everything's inside for a ball, Chad. Might want to try standing juuust a couple inches to the left. Alternate suggestion: throw the damn ball like a man.

11:12 — Chad Bradford will stand on the mound instead of Howell now.

11:09 — After the baseball equivalent of a Catholic wedding, Ortiz stops fouling off pitches and just grounds into a forceout. It would've been bases loaded and one out had Crisp actually slid toward the bag, instead of an arbitrary point on the side of the infield where a hallucinatory candy bar was lying. Damn those Floridians and their magic Whatchamacalit holograms!

11:04 — If any doctors are watching this game in HD, please note the curious-shaped wart on the left side of Joe Maddon's neck. There's money to be had in that co-pay.

11:03 — J.P. Howell, known to his wife as Thurston, will be the lefty to face David Ortiz.

11:02 — If you wanted to see more of Wheeler's pitching shenanigans, you'll have to wait until either Wednesday or next April.

11:01 — Remember that basement? Well, Pedroia's fly ball would have bore a hole in the ceiling, gone through his dad's Persian rug, his mom's leather purse, his dog's water dish, and really caused some chaos in the Pedroia household. He'd have been grounded. But now he's a big boy, and he just makes an out without advancing any runners.

10:59 — Mmm. Crispy. Coco's single begins the rally. But don't worry, Rays fans! All you have coming up next are Pedroia, Ortiz, and Bay! None of them are known for their hitting accolades!

10:57 — Wheeler enjoys shaking his mitt like he's at the craps table. Which, if we get the Game 5 Wheeler, will be exactly what he does in the crucial 8th.

10:55 — Dan Wheeler is now on the mound. Ron Darling asks if we'll see the Dan Wheeler from Game 2, or the one from Game 5? He recklessly rules out the Wheeler from Captain Planet.

10:52 — Cora's ground ball in-dispenses between Jason Bartlett's legs. That'll end Garza's night of settling.

10:51 — Garza's at 116 pitches, and he's still in there firing away. So, I guess we won't be seeing him pitching in the World Series regardless.

10:51 — Gabe Gross, please replace Rocco Baldelli in right fi... oh, you already did. Well then.

Bottom 7th

1 3

10:48 — Bartlett flies out to center, so I think we can stop talking about the seventh now. It's over. Stop livin' in the past.

10:46 — Baldelli runs away from the mess he made at home plate by striking out, but they force him out regardless. Another suspect off the basepaths.

10:44 — Navarro helps Lester settle back into ... into, um, something, with a flyout to right.

10:39 — Lester has a lot of settlin' in to do. Oh, just kidding ... Willy Aybar borrowed Matt Stairs' mythical fat dude power for one solo home run to left field. Hey, Chip, do you think he hit that so far it went to Tampa? [snort]

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

As is the case with any Weebl's video production, watching their Flash video on a loop (when you're drunk/stoned/lonely) is the most effective method.

Top 7th

10:35 — We got a great big cowbell ♬ ain't she a beautiful sight? (Actually, it's quite annoying. Stop that.) Captain Varitek affects the game by stranding two batters on a strikeout.

10:33 — All Kotsay could do was move Drew up one (1) base with a sac fly to right. Attractive wife is satiated.

10:31 — Joe Maddon came out to tell Matt Garza that Dick Vitale is in the stands, so not to worry, because even if you blow it, he'll still think you're a superb P-T-P pitcher with the E-R-A that's A-O-K in his book, baby.

10:28 — This is probably the opposite of being settled in. A walk to Drew and a hit by Bay quickly demotes Garza from "Settled In" to "Slightly Jittery But Still Within Arms Reach Of Settled." (Note: These are all technical baseball terms, which is why most of you have not heard of them.)

10:26 — Garza will try and increase from Very Settled In all the way to Diamond VIP Übersettled In, and Youkilis pops up. That'll help.

Bottom 6th

1 2

10:22 — Crawford's fly ball ends the inning, and ratches up the "settling of in." Dick Vitale's mood has been downgraded from Cocaine Metamucil to Caffeinated Fixodent.

10:20 — In response to Garza's settling in, Jon Lester will try and raise the bar to SuperDouble Settled In. Speedy outs by Peña and Longoria help him reach his goal.

Commercial Break

If Brooke Shields' parents hadn't wanted to by a Volkswagen car, we might have have avoided this series of mind-numbing Routan commercials.

Top 6th

10:14 — The line between David Ortiz and Mo Vaughn is starting to blur in this game. Ortiz feels the gaseous wrath of a high fastball, and Pedroia's aortic energy can't outrun Navarro's throw to second on the stolen base. Good thing I don't place bets on a whim, else I'd have been out money thinking that Boston was going to tie it up in this inning. Seriously, when Tampa had a one-run deficit, you didn't see them climbing that hill. But a one-run lead in this game for Boston, you expect it to be equalized the moment someone reaches base. I have no idea where this feeling is coming from. But just to be sure, have Craig Sager stay the hell away from Chuck LaMar.

10:12 — What a circulatory performance. Maybe Pedroia should be the grant marshal for next year's Boston Heart Walk.

10:10 — Pedroia keeps lunging at these pitches with all his widdle might, fighting them off like Rudy getting his ass tackled by bigger, stronger, more capable men. In summary: heart.

10:08 — So when Fox uses a blue comet to track a hockey puck, it's frowned upon. When TBS uses it to replay a pitch in relation to their computerized strike zone, it's lauded as brilliant TV. Good to know for when I launch my 24-hour curling cable news network and have to make important executive decisions on bluecometry.

10:05 — Coco Crisp just got underhand throw'ned.

10:03 — Driving the point home, Garza has indeed settled in. The game is no longer baseball. It's a settle-off. You know the rules.

Bottom 5th

1 2

9:59 — Footage of Upton's home run off Lester in Game 3! Bring us back to now, when Upton hits a home run if he was in a petting zoo, and only a really underfunded one at that. The liner falls harmlessly into Cora's glove, and Lester escapes with just one run added to his stat column.

9:57 — Iwamura's ground ball travels about 2.18 Pedroias in length, but that's just as good as a bunt, and with two men in scoring position there's a two-out RBI chance for B.J. Upton.

9:56 — "Momentum" may have "shifted," as Chip Caray notes, but if this is ALL the Rays get this inning, it's a pendulum that goes back to Boston's dugout. Bartlett indispensably goes down on strikes.

9:53 — Rocco Baldelli gets a base hit almost where Navarro's infieldt hit was, only it squeaks through. Aybar rounds and scores. Camera spot on Dick Vitale having either a seizure or celebrating the Rays 2-1 lead. It's really a toss-up at this point, but weigh better odds on the latter if someone told Vitale that the Rays are being guest-managed by Mike Krzyzewski.

9:51 — It's an infield hit by a catcher. Which is just as good as an intentional walk. Or an intentional hit by pitch. Or a dropsied pop fly. They're all acceptable.

9:47 — Willy Aybar digs out a double with his magic stick of wood. He also pulled out a plum, but tossed it aside since nursery rhyme allusions don't help win ball games. But the leadoff double helped.

Top 5th

9:42 — Now Matt Garza is "settled in," not to be confused with how I've been settled into my couch for the last three days doing absolutely jack shit. Because it might seem like Garza and I have the same levels of athletic talent. Garza gets through the inning untouched. HE HAS A PERFECT GAME THROUGH SINCE THE LAST TIME HE LET SOMEONE GET ON BASE.

Commercial Break

When the Venetians arrive to this planet, in 2018, go back in time, and look at the commercials aired during the ALCS, they'll think that all baseball fans can't get natural erections or piss properly on their own. They'll also think that Frank Caliendo is this generation's Jack Benny, once they are informed by our ambassador who that was.

Bottom 4th

1 1

9:35 — Crawford won't be running to first after all. A leisurely walk back to the dugout to retrieve his mitt will suffice.

9:34 — It was nice of Youkilis to test the green wall's consistency in foul territory by sliding into it, but unfortunately the great diving play was thwarted by the fact that the ball didn't land anywhere near him.

9:32 — When Longoria gets an RBI, the Rays tend to win. PRESSURE ON THE ROOKIE. But the pressure worked, as Longoria's double scoots down into the right field corner and Carlos Peña does his best Sid Bream impression seven innings too early, tying up the game.

9:29 — The shoulda-had-a-V8 ground ball isn't strong enough to start a double play, but Iwamura gets punched out at second.

9:28 — Chip notes how "there would be bedlam in St. Pete" if Peña were to hit a home run here. Isn't the problem the last 2½ games that they keep trying to hit home runs instead of just trying to reach base?

9:26 — Upton can forget about breaking up another no-hitter. He'll just strike out instead.

9:24 — Eye of newt! That's what the jinx was missing. The final ingredient finally dropped into the stew, and Iwamura's single breaks the perfect no-hitter.

9:23 — We now return you to Jon Lester's potential perfect game, already in progress, starring TBS's Chip, Ron, and Buck as the three witches from Hocus Pocus.

Top 4th

9:20 — Garza strikes out Bay, and saunters back to the dugout like he just won a Golden Tee tournament at the local bar.

9:18 — JD Drew, popping up to somewhere besides second base? Forget it!

9:17 — Longoria tried his darndest to errantly throw to first, but Peña quashes the effort with the scoop, getting Youkilis the hell out of there.

Bottom 3rd

1 0

9:11 — He's still mentioning it after every at bat. Bartlett pops up, and that's ... NINE IN A ROW!

9:10 — Rocco Baldelli v. Jon Lester. It's a disease-off. Remission Showdown. Winner gets to turn their story into a Lifetime movie. And the winner ... Lester, who strikes Baldelli out looking.

9:09 — Dioner Navarro doesn't come close to that fastball. He's settled in. He's retired seven straight. Chip Caray is throwing every morsel of jinxdom and hexdom he can find in the press box down to the pitcher's mound. Nothing's working.

9:06 — It's the first time any pitcher has gone perfect through two innings this series. Watch your back, Don Larsen!

Top 3rd

9:03 — Garza won't let a little thing like Pedroia stealing second, a move which anthropologists agree helped advance ancient groundhog societies by 53 percent, stop him from striking out David Ortiz, which apparently you can do again this postseason.

8:59 — Pedroia gets plunked right on his heart. Because he wears it on his sleeve, you see. That's the joke. He's not even going to show that he's hurt. He's lying about his pain. THAT'S WHY HE'S A GREAT PLAYER. (Or, hey, maybe it stung just as much as any other fastball to the delts.)

8:59 — Dustin Pedroia's maternal grandfather was a groundhog, right?

8:57 — Crisp was left out in the pantry, became all stale and mushy, and struck out.

8:54 — Nice try, Alex Cora. A Sarah-Plain-And-Tall fly ball to left is all the No. 9 hitter could muster.

Bottom 2nd

1 0

8:49 — HE STILL HAS A PERFECT GAME!! Lester causes Willy Aybar to ground to Youkilis.

8:48 — Eh, I wasn't interested in Carl Crawford making contact anyway.

8:46 — Tampa's not happy with a high 3-0 pitch ruled a strike, and Evan Longoria responds in protest by grounding out to short. That'll show 'em!

Commercial Break

The BlackBerry Storm. Brought to you by David Chase.

Top 2nd

8:42 — IMPACT strikeout.

8:41 — Jason Varitek's free agency rumors? Why, let's square that one down.

8:39 — As noted by Buck Martinez and Jason Varitek, the catcher can go hitless (phew!) and still make an impact. Maybe I should have gone into the business as a catching shortstop.

8:37 — That's why they pay Jason Bartlett the big ... uh, er, patonthebacks. Mark Kotsay's scorching line-drive/ground ball hybrid up the middle gets snarfed up by Bartlett.

8:36 — Jason Bay gets a lot of two-out RBI. So with one out and nobody on base, surely that means that he'll do absolutely nothing. Well, he did barely swing at strike three. I guess that counts. Garza's earplugs are finally out, which means he can finally hear Ron Darling talk about him.

Commercial Break

It's bad enough we have to endure these political ads. But we also have to endure local political ads, causing me to ask the obvious question: "wait, which one's the incumbent?"

Bottom 1st

1 0

8:31 — There was a time when the Tigers acquired Carlos Peña and Jeremy Bonderman in the same trade. Aren't we glad they kept the right one! Hahaha! [stabs wall with butter knife] Jon Lester keeps the perfect game intact by striking him out.

8:26 — BJ Upton is one home run shy of the single-postseason record of eight, held by Barry Bonds and Carlos Beltran. They share the record every other week, because, well, it's not like they have any rings to admire. Upton now has 7½ home runs this postseason, because his opposite field shot lands safely in the glove of JD Drew.

8:24 — Akinori Iwamura? Cut. DOWN.

8:23 — Here's Lester's TBS© scouting report: "Extra Days Rest," "Cut Fastball," "Game 7." Based on that, he's pitching tonight and he throws at least one kind of pitch. Use at your own discretion, Willy Aybar!

Top 1st

8:19 — JD Drew and I have something in common. He struck out while everyone was looking, then tried to run away from it crying. What?

8:16 — There appears to be an entire clan of second baseman living in Kevin Youkilis's beard. That's why he was so late on that swing, but it almost landed in the right field warning dirt. Rocco Baldelli jettisoned enough of that "mysterious illness" to catch the slicing fly ball, and Ortiz "runs" back to first to avoid the double-up.

8:15 — David Ortiz, inspired by Dustin Pedroia's combination of heart and pancreas, takes a ball four.

8:11 — Dustin Pedroia practiced hitting home runs in his basement, where the ceiling was ten feet high. That's why the home run never went above that threshold, and Boston takes the quick lead.

8:10 — Garza's rocking the earplugs for the game. Good thing he doesn't play a sport in which communication was inspired by mimes and vaudeville. Coco Crisp's leadoff bunt sacrificed the Shadow Man on first to second. One out.

Pregame

8:08 — And the Sager coat watch has been decreased to: striped gray. Weak, weak, weak selection.

8:07 — Matt Garza's scouting report is limited to three words per bullet point. Fun fact: The Orioles actually use the TV scouting reports and nothing else to prepare for baseball games.

8:03 — Sign in Tampa: RAYS + TROP = VICTORY. Home record in the ALCS: 1-2. Which equals negative one. Divide by pi.

Pre-Game Babble

Much like the Phillies' unblemished record in official Deadspin-sanctioned live blogs, the Boston Red Sox haven't lost-a one either. They're 3-0, dating back to the 2007 World Series. If you wanted other probabilities, Tom Verducci notes that it's a 50-50 shot, and AccuScore will trump the human predictor, saying Boston's a 51-49 favorite. No supercomputers have honed down the prediction to the nearest thousandth of a percentage point yet, mostly because they've all been repossessed due to scientists not making their payments, and repo-men are using them to predict if they'll get laid tonight.

Boston's starting lineup:

1. CF Coco "Riboflavin" Crisp
2. 2B Dustin "Groundhog" Pedroia
3. DH David "Poppyseed" Ortiz
4. 3B Kevin "I Stole Julio Franco's Batting Stance" Youkilis
5. RF J.D. "Clutch Three Games A Year" Drew
6. LF Jason "Being" Bay
7. 1B Mark "How's Your Wife" Kotsay
8. C Jason "Sweet, Not Ninth Anymore" Varitek
9. SS Alex "Sojo" Cora

Tampa Bay's lineup:

1. 2B Akinori "最初の野球選手" Iwamura
2. CF B.J. "Bounces Over His Head" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "The Lesser Tilde" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Quick, Throw It To First" Longoria
5. LF Carl "I'm Not Leadoff Anymore?" Crawford
6. DH Willy "Which One Am I Again" Aybar
7. C Dioner "Geovany" Navarro
8. RF Rocco "I Got Better" Baldelli
9. SS Jason "Sandlot Slugger" Bartlett

Bingo hall's lineup:

* * *

Bottom 9th

7 5

12:09 — Phew. That's just about as exciting a game as one could ask for. On a night when the Browns dismantle the Giants by 21 points, somehow this game was way goofier. The road blood has finally been shed between these two teams in 2008, and you know what this means? It means that Daulerio is paying me triple to live blog Game 5. Ha! Actually I don't think I'm going to cover that one, but hey, Philly has won LOTS of games without me staring at them. So I'm told. Anyhow, it appears the servers were on their best Eddie Haskell-like behavior tonight, so let's quit typing before something horrible happe

12:08 — Zip. Right into the third baseman's glove without touching the ground. I believe Brad Lidge had himself a shaky but extremely survivable outing. Much like any given seismographic day in Los Angeles.

12:06 — And look, Jeff Kent! My my my, I feel like I'm watching TWIB on a rain delay and I'm seeing all the stars of yesteryear. Or maybe I'm in the middle of a Bobby Valentine anecdote.

12:06 — Quick, back to the dugout. Casey Blake strikes out at the plate, and in the fashion mags. Let it grow, brah.

12:04 — Hey, Mia Hamm's husband plays baseball? I guess not well enough to start. Nomar Garciaparra flies out.

Top 9th

12:01 — Aw, why not just make it a complete set and get all your outs at second base? The pitchout completely stones Bruntlett on the basepaths and he's thrown out so bad, it's the baserunning equivalent of Joe Blanton swinging for the fences. Is the two-run lead enough?

11:59 — That was the same play, just with different dudes. Forceout at second, beatable throw down the line to first. Now the baserunner is Eric Bruntlett.

11:57 — The Maculay Culkin trap set by Dodgers in the form of the infield shift snares up another Ryan Howard ground ball, but they can only get Utley out at second. Let it be known that Howard's been working out so much this game, slipping, slipping again, and grounding out some more, that he shed off just enough ounces to beat the relay throw to first.

11:54 — Good news, Philly fans. Broxton still has to pitch. But maybe not for long. The venerable Greg Methuselux is warming up.

Bottom 8th

7 5

11:50 — Not what the Los Angeles of Los Angeles Dodgers fans had in mind. Loney strands the two with a fly to right, but Lidge really had to labor just to get that one out. He might be vulnerable in the ninth, so now's the time for Philly to flick another run across the scoreboard. If they want to.

11:50 — James Loney vs. Brad Lidge in "Let's See How Many We Can Foul Off."

11:46 — Like your typical It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode, this is the part of Lidge's outing that is parallel to Mac's ingenious plan about to go horribly wrong. He strikes out Martin, but the pitch bounces off Ruiz's shinguard and everyone's safe at the corner delis.

11:45 — Not to jinx anyone or anything but ... Russell Martin, cleanup hitter? He wasn't even that powerful in the regular season, OPS+ing right around 103. Not really the kind of numbers for a No. 4 hitter, especially with Manuel in the lineup.

11:44 — Maybe that was his problem. Lidge hangs on in the middle that Ramirez drives to the gap for two solid bases.

11:42 — Lidge is not afraid this time. He's going right at Manuel Ramirez, and #99 is clearly on the defensive.

11:38 — Hi, I'm Charlie Manuel. I've got zero bars in this crazy city, so that call about not putting in Brad Lidge in the eighth inning? Yeah, I didn't get that. All right, BL, get in there and give us four solid outs!

11:37 — Romero's walk of shame is wiped clean by a double play ball, courtesy of Andre Ethier. With the bases empty, hell, why not intentionally walk Manny Ramirez?

11:36 — Whaddya know. Another 3-0 count. J.C. Romero, thanks for not letting me down.

11:35 — What else can happen? A Dodgers rally? I've already been this fortunate to experience a nautical assload of ties and lead changes. What's one more?

Top 8th

11:31 — For the sake of comprehensive coverage, Werth strikes out to end the inning. I'm sure some other stuff happened before that.

11:27 — No wait, seriously, how in the name of Christ on a cracker did Matt Stairs (you know, Matt Stairs) hit the hardest pitch of the series? He's Barry Bonds with a blindfold. You have to roll two 20s in AD&D to get that kind of a critical hit on a fastball. I'm ... I'm never gonna get out of doing another Phillies game again, am I, Daulerio?

11:26 — Okay, I can finally talk now. HOW THE FUCK DID MATT STAIRS DO THAT? I'm mightily impressed.

11:24 — [shocked silence] (translation: Matt Stairs slobberknocks a two-run home run)

11:23 — There's your Jonathon Broxton in the game already, gunnin' for the Step Club's major, Matt Stairs.

11:22 — An NFL update. With less than eight minutes remaining in the game, it's Cleveland 35, New York 14. No wait, that's the obesity percentage for both cities. My mistake.

11:20 — Esoteric choice of music there with the "Rocky" theme song as Torre makes another pitching change.

11:18 — Yes, that'll pretty much tie the game. Shane Victorino continues to be the other non-lower-48-states American native this fall to make a splash and blasts a home run just over the gate in right field to tie this game. You betcha.

11:17 — Angel Berroa (hey, how'd YOU get in the game?) fields Burrell's lazy pop fly with little problem.

11:13 — It sure was nice to let Kuo bat in the previous inning just so he could allow that extra base hit. Torre gives him the heave-Kuo (HELP ME, I HAVE PUN CANCER AND I CAN'T STOP!!) and brings in Cory Wade.

11:11 — Ryan Howard made it all the way to first without tumbling. That in itself is an accomplishment on this slick field. They must've rubbed his balls down with special mud.

Bottom 7th

3 5

11:08 — Nope. No more runs. Kemp's hard-hit ball lands right in the soft underbelly of Victorino's glove.

11:06 — They're going to let Kuo bat. His bunt almost causes a charging Howard to, like a frost giant, slip like a fool, but recovers and throws him out. Would you say that was a Kuo-se call? Ha! Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? Always looking for the cheap, groaning laugh. That's what separates you from me.

11:05 — Never mind this exciting close game. Let's talk about Beckett and Scott Kazmir's injuries.

11:05 — Cool, Josh Beckett's oblique is purple?

11:03 — With such a gelatinous strike zone, how are all these pitchers falling behind 3-0?

11:01 — Madson gets HIGH AND IN!!! on James Loney, then proceeds to strike him out. Tonight, let it be fisticuffs.

Seventh Inning Stretch Video Literary Endeavor

Normally, this is where videos are shared, but in an attempt to further advance the culture of Deadspin readers, why don'tcha read the longest known palindrome. Then read it backwards. You'll have read it twice! There will be a quiz on it tomorrow, so be sure to remember the major characters, the setting, the symbolism, and one thing you liked about it. And don't bother checking Sparknotes. It's not there.

Top 7th

10:55 — Rollins, Werth, and Utley are all set down in a row. You could say Dodgers reliever Hong-Chih Kuo sure got his Kuo-ta of big outs in the seventh! But I wouldn't. I'm above such lame attempts at humor.

10:53 — Incessant replay shows that, yes, Chase Utley plays the violin.

And It's ... Still ... Bottom 6th

3 5

10:50 — Great double-up play by Stradivarius to field the liner, then crawl and dive for the second base bag to force out Furcal.

10:48 — Ryan Madson will now try and plug the rubbed down ball slapping orgy.

Another Commercial Break

The Brooke Shields commercials were actually funny when I first saw them. But they had to go and spoil it with different commercials with the same one-joke premise.

Still Bottom 6th

10:44 — He's like Barry Bonds, but with a heart of gold and normal sized testicles. (The similarity I'm going with is that he keeps getting intentional walks.)

10:43 — As long as we're having goofiness in this inning, might I remind you that the Browns lead the Giants by six in the third quarter. Eli Manning has two interceptions. Yep, that'll do it.

10:40 — A calm, unnerved, focused throw by Ryan Howard was actually meant for a phantom base 10 feet away from Chase Utley covering at first. A run scores on the error, and Los Angeleans are well situated on second and third. (Still zero outs.)

10:38 — It appears they took all of Casey Blake's clippings and glued it to Scott Eyre's chin. He's your new pitcher.

Commercial Break

And they have Miller High Life guys delivering beer to baseball stadiums during the game since when?

Bottom 6th

10:35 — I just realized: Joe Beimel is in line for the win. All for throwing one pitch to a guy and having Ethier needing to make one hell of a catch as a result of it. As if you needed more proof the win is a useless pitcher stat.

10:34 — We never liked Joe Beimel anyways. Matt Kemp will pinch hit for him. Do you realize what this means? Now Juan Pierre will stay in center field. For, like, the entire game. Also, Chad Durbin sure enjoys 3-0 counts, and finally he just caves and throws a fourth one wide.

10:33 — Before the game, MLB donated $328,840 to the Prostate Cancer Foundation — $10 for each strikeout this season. The Prostate Cancer Foundation will begin work on their new Adam Dunn Wing next spring.

10:31 — Juan Pierre keeps reaching base like he was a good free agent signing or something. His speed helps him reach second easily. Now he won't get caught trying to steal it. But there's always third base.

10:29 — Casey Blake, now with Acceptable Public Stubble kung-fu grip, belts a home run into the left field seats for one point.

10:28 — Spotlight on the Buck/McCarver booth. And ... Tim has a much, much higher chair than Joe does. Normally they reserve the high chairs only for children under five, but in Tim's case — after much pleading — they clearly made an exception. (Also, Chad Durbin's in the game. Mothers, hide your children and make sure your windows are baseball-proof.)

Top 6th

10:24 — It must be Bullpen Russian Roulette night at Chávez Ravine. Joe Beimel arrives to the game just in time to pitch to Jenkins. And soon thereafter, Andre Ethier dives from out of nowhere — although I'm guessing right field is where he was initially — to save at least a run. Fella sure made some defensive plays out there this inning.

10:22 — The nation is deprived of one more at bat where Joe Blanton swings at the ball like a computer geek with scoliosis playing tetherball. Geoff Jenkins will step in instead.

10:19 — Chan Ho Park? Wild pitch? I am shocked. I'll have to see visual evidence of this before I believe it with ... oh, there's a replay. Ryan Howard doesn't have the woodland creature quickness but he finds his inner frost giant lumbering ability to scamper home and tie the game.

10:18 — Tonight's theme is "people almost running comically into each other." Ethier stumbles, catches, falls to his knees, but Ryan Howard doesn't have the elven-like quickness to tag up and run home. Two out.

10:17 — Somehow, Chan Ho Park is a better decision to get LA out of this delicious strawberry jam than the 20-year-old phenom. Aw, but I was half hoping to see the future of a baseball team get his confidence shattered in this NLCS game!

10:13 — Chad Durbin and Chan Ho Park are warming up in the Phils/Dodgers bullpens. Equalizing vacuums of suck balance out the cosmos.

10:13 — Hot bunting love advances the runners, and a Shane Victorino is returned back to the dugout in near-mint condition.

10:12 — Aw, Kershaw wants to grow a beard so badly. After falling behind 3-0 on Burrell, two generous strikes sets up a full-count single through short and third, known affectionately as the Jeter Woulda Gotten To That Zone.

10:09 — Interesting start. Ryan Howard walks, and the shift works as he is pulled in the direction of first base. Good thing he didn't go the opposite field on his walking, or else he'd be in scoring position by now.

10:07 — I hope you enjoyed your fill of Derek Lowe. NO MORE! Lineup announcing prodigy Clayton Kershaw is being asked to hold this lead.

Bottom 5th

2 3

10:04 — These promises of giant innings turn into just plain ol' couple-of-run innings tonight. We had one in the first, and now here DeWitt hits into a double play to make sure no more runs are tallied in the fifth.

10:03 — The Big Lead is asking me if Blanton's hat has pine tar on it:

I'll go with peanut butter cup residue. No, it's not a fat joke. I'm eating one right now. No, I'm not fat. No, you are!

10:01 — RBIs are easy (and fun) when other people are already in place. Martin's grounder to short gives the Dodgers the lead. I could get 50 RBI a year if I had those kinds of situational hits. Now, let's just walk James Loney.

9:58 — No strandy strandy at all, it appears. Manuel Ramirez kicks a ball into left, and Furcal slides completely through Ruiz's shin — despite Larry Bowa's semaphoric requests — and the Phillies lead becomes not a Phillies lead at all, actually.

9:57 — So here's a rally, finally. Ethier's ball to center tailed perfectly to left, and Furcal's on second like I said he'd be. Now with zero of them "outs," it's going to take a whole lot of sweat and guts for Lowe to get out of that. Fortunately he already has the "sweat" part down.

9:55 — Furcal's on base now. The question is not IF he'll be stranded, but which base. Here's to "second." [huffs aerosol can]

Commercial Break

Somehow Burger King found a way to make a creepy commercial without using The King. The Burger King 'Shroom and Swiss Steak Burger didn't even look good on screen, but that certainly must mean it tastes great, right?

Top 5th

9:49 — If you picked "bottom of fourth and top of fifth" as the time to take a power nap, you won the ultimate prize. Lowe cuffs down Rollins, Werth and Utley in the kinkiest fashion, quickly exiting the inning. That's now seven straight outs in the game total.

Bottom 4th

2 1

9:41 — Oh, Tim. Never change. As Derek Lowe stepped up against Joe Blanton: "This is kind of a pitcher vs. a pitcher." Kind of? (Oh, by the way, two strikeouts and a lineout gives Blanton a one-ta-hoo-thrrreeee.

9:36 — Oof. Cardinal mistake by Joe Buck. "Celebrities are out" followed immediately by "James Brolin." Thats' why Joe's star on the Walk of Fame got "lost in the mail."

Top 4th

9:33 — My, my. I got so worked up talking about ball rubbing I hardly noticed Joe Blanton in the batters box, wielding a bat, swatting at Derek Lowe's pitches like a poorly-animated 8-bit video game. Blanton's competence at the plate reminds me to check the score of the Browns game. [click] Wow, 10-7 Browns? Did Cleveland get inspired by Toledo's upset over Michigan in that really horrible teams are capable of impossible things? Or was that a Kevin Garnett commercial I saw?

9:30 — What the ... Tim McCarver used a fact tonight. All baseballs are rubbed down by Lena Blackburne's Baseball Rubbing Mud. There's even a video on that website on how you rub down a ball. Executive producer: YOUR MOM.

9:29 — Please, could we have ONE game where we don't discuss rubbing down balls?

Bottom 3rd

2 1

9:24 — What's what, Utley? You're gonna cheat left on Loney? Well, that's ... cheating. Loney's ground ball just beats Utley to the outfield on his right. Corners are yellow. No worries, a combination of Burrell and Rollins conspire to somehow find DeWitt's pop fly. Remember when this game had lots of runs?

9:23 — Oh, that's how they were going to get Manny out. Martin grounds into a forceout. Clever strategy by the Phillies. I didn't even see it coming.

9:21 — Ramirez intentionally unintentionally walks. I wonder if that was on purpose.

Top 3rd

9:15 — Utley's single was surrounded by a trio of nothing at-bats. Let's move on.

9:11 — That was ... unexpected. Fox shares pictures of Chase Utley as a kid, who played the violin and owned a parrot. What does this mean? He knew how to pleasure himself, giving him ample ability to stay busy on road trips.

Bottom 2nd

2 1

9:06 — Furcal notarizes Lowe being stranded at first by flying out.

9:05 — Hey, good thing Pierre tried to move up to second. Because Derek Lowe reached base after Rollins' basket catch hauled in nothing but fail. Why have two runners on when you can have a pitcher stranded at first with two outs?

9:03 — Tim McCarver: "Something just happened, that I had not seen in years." That's a good solid comedy pyramid foundation, people. And no, it wasn't the single Juan Pierre just hit. And it certainly wasn't Pierre getting caught at second, either.

9:01 — Casey Blake used to have the best beard in baseball. But LA has clearly changed him. It used to be all gnarled and woolly, and you could probably hang your keys on the chint. No more. Blake strikes out, which is what he gets for destroying one of baseball's great natural preserves.

Top 2nd

8:57 — Jimmy Rollins is trying reallyreally hard not to pull the ball, reports sorta-on-the-field-but-not Ken Rosenthal. Rollins responds by not pulling the ball at all, but instead watching strike three go by him.

8:55 — Joe Blanton swings the bat with the same fervor that women have when they squish spiders. Strike out, two out.

8:53 — Carlos Ruiz, thanks for nothing. His hit barely made it to the infield grass, which would be a triple ion T-ball, but instead just adds an out to the scoreboard, hanging Dobbs at second.

8:50 — Lowe has himself a new set of threads. He even remembered to rip off the price tag. And yet he forgot to pitch away to Greg Dobbs, who starts off with the doubliest of doubles.

Bottom 1st

2 1

8:47 — Blake Of The Witt lines straight to Howard. The bar for pitcher hittability has been set pretty high already.

8:45 — And the intentional walk works to perfection. Oh, they didn't get out of the inning — Loney hit an RBI double that was feet away from being a three-run shot — but it wasn't TWO runs, like it would have been if Manny Ramirez hit a home run. Brilliant move.

8:42 — Fox gives us Joe Blanton's pitcher profile: "Can Be Wild." Oh, he will.

8:42 — It's the first inning, and already we have an on-purpose walk of Manny Ramirez. Do they not have faith in Blanton that he can walk him unintentionally by himself?

8:41 — Rafael Furcal knocks one to third that wicks off Greg Dobbs' glove, then moves up to second on Andrew Ethier's puny-enough ground ball that can't be turned into a DP.

8:39 — EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE of Derek Lowe tossing a thing of refreshing hydrating beverages in the dugout. Also his jersey is a little ruffled, and he may need a new one. No worries. The Dodgers have an entire warehouse of unsold Derek Lowe authentic uniforms, and even some Lowe #23 babydoll three-quarters tees. Guess it's time to start placing bets on what he picks.

8:38 — The starting lineup, brought to you by Clayton Kershaw. (Bless you.) What emphatic delivery! Boom certainly went the dynamite.

Top 1st

8:35 — Shane Victorino ... FROM? From?! C'mon, Berman would have been right on cue. As a penalty, Victorino grounds into a double play. Just the two runs, ma'am.

8:34 — Pat Burrell will walk to first. He's good at that. Heck, we all are. We're just not good at the "don't swing at four pitches," or even the "stand in the batters box with fastballs going that fast without pissing yourself."

8:31 — See, that's how Ryan Howard can get more RBIs. He can still hit lame groundballs into the shift, but he just needs to make sure his teammates do all the work for him by reaching third with less than two outs. Then he'll have all the RBIs and eat at Subway like a king! Werth scores, two of 'em out.

8:30 — Chase Utley? But he's not running from me. Oh, wait, there he goes ... he just ran to second after lacing a double down the right field line, getting Rollins on home. Do I still have to chase him?

8:28 — There's an absolute goldmine of an endorsement deal for Jayson Werth. "Mr. Jaysonwerth maple syrup." His single finds a hole on the left side of the infield, and the corners are loaded.

FOX'S KEYS TO THE GAME:

Phillies: "Use Last Night As Rallying Point." Well, I guess a team could look at the meaningless run they scraped together in the waning innings of last night's loss. Better key to the game: "Visualize Home By Pretending There Are Fewer Pretentious TV Producers in Stands."

Dodgers: "Food Tastes Better At Home." You mean, like, SUSHI? C'mon, say it. Better key to the game: "Just Remember: You're Trying To Hit Off Joe Blanton. JOE BLANTON."

8:25 — Jimmy had trouble getting hits. Jimmy likes getting on base. Jimmy is pretty sweet on you. Jimmy Rollins is on base with a leadoff hit.

8:23 — Hmm, that's close. We had a "Flyin' Hawaiian" nickname drop, but it was from Gary Matthews, Sr., who might not know any better. Let's not count it, because it'll be more evident in the broadcast anyway.

Pre-Game Babble

Something has to give. Either one of these teams will beat the other on the road, or the Phillies will finally lose a game during a Deadspin live blog. Once one of these laws of nature is broken, expect sulfurous rain, earthquakes, and the stock market to fall below 10,000.

It's difficult to say how one should behave or life will unfold in this strange new world, especially since we'll still have more games left in the NLCS, but what's the point when small sample size trends are already broken? That's the whole point of NLCS stats and records. It's the kind of series that puts MVP trophies in the hands of David Eckstein and Craig Counsell and ... hey, waitaminnit, they're the same person! I've never had both of them on my fantasy team at once.

And if you didn't hear, there was a fight between these two teams. This will be a factor in the game, as evidenced by baseball analysts saying it will be (when asked in the scrolling ticker: WILL FIGHT BE FACTOR?). Whether we have another Mortal Kombat-like confrontation remains to be seen.

Give a man a bingo card, and he will play for a day. Teach a man to make bingo cards, and I'm out of a goddamn job. Hands off!

Note: So, last time, we had a bit of a server error where the live blog didn't, um, in technospeak, "work." If this happens again, stay tuned, the live blog will eventually show up, even if it's not until the next morning, in which case someone turned the Gawker server into "newspaper mode," where you have to wait for what I say until you drag your ass into work tomorrow. It's one of the less-touted server features of Windows XP Service Pack 3. Fortunately, DUAN and bingo tagalong never* causes a server dump.

* - Okay, but only sometimes.