Deadspin: madden 07

Ethan Albright Is In Fact Able To Walk Upright

Leitch — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 12:00:40 EDT

As Madden 07 obsessives know, Washington Redskins lineman and ginger kid Ethan Albright is the lowest-rated player in the game, with a rating that barely gives him enough aptitude to stand up and walk in something resembling a straight line. We have wondered if Albright knows about this, or cares, and even though we don't have an answer to that, The Phat Phree has a hilarious imaginary letter from Albright to John Madden himself.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Michaels or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's really a pretty amazing read.

Ethan Albright Strikes Back [The Phat Phree]

(UPDATE: We had forgotten about this, but apparently Albright, the real one, has addressed his low rating.)

Madden Curse Soon To Attack Rest Of Humanity

Leitch — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 11:45:38 EDT

You know, all told, Ray Lewis never actually suffered from the Madden Curse: People always forget nothing happened to him that year.

Otherwise, yeah: That thar Madden Curse has struck again, breaking the foot of Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander. He's out "indefinitely," which is either Jim Edmonds indefinitely — in which case we'll see him, squinting as if in great pain, sometime around 2009 — or Carson Palmer indefinitely, which means he'll be back tomorrow.

We tend to treat curses with the same respect we treat astrology, or voodoo, or mathematics. We will keep screaming "coincidence!" as an army of black cats chases us under a ladder while carrying an open umbrella when it's not raining. Which is why we very much enjoyed this amusing post about Madden's former cover victims. Why, oh why, did they put the World Trade Center on Madden '01? Why didn't somebody stop them?

Madden Curse Responsible For Shaun Alexander Injury, My Wife Leaving Me ... [Pulled My Groin]
Everyone Please Remain Calm [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

OK, We Get Dibs On The Vikings

rickchand — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:30:41 EDT

For those who find the pace of Madden '07 a little too frantic, here's some good — that is to say, fake — news. Introducing Madden Bye-Week '07, in which you control your various NFL players' off-the-field activities during their team's bye week. We're still waiting for our copy, but the "reviewer" over at College Humor has his and has already chosen breakfast cereal for Bryce Fisher (Special K: Fruit and Yogurt), and has had Shaun Alexander hang out around the house and do some gardening. Said the reviewer:

My thoughts are: any six year old with opposable thumbs can move the ball down the field, but it takes a real human to understand these players. You need to know what they love, to comprehend their passion for life, beyond the sport they play.

Your players' actions may vary. Hey, like it's really that different than "Head Coach."

Madden Bye Week '07: A Review [College Humor.com]

Make Your Pretend Person Lift Pretend Weights

Leitch — Mon, 14 Aug 2006 12:15:44 EDT

Obviously, we're as excited about the release of Madden 2007 as anybody else, but we'll confess something: We're not as into the role-playing aspects of the game as some apparently are. We'll play exhibition games against our friends — as the Buzzsaw, of course — and if we're feeling frisky, we'll play a whole simulation of the season, but as for creating players, designing stadiums, running a front office, all that ... it kind of bores us a little, we have to admit.

We're obviously in the minority, though, as this strangely detailed clip from the upcoming XBOX version of the game, in which our unnamed fictional draftee ... bench presses for a few minutes. We guess as the player, we, what, press the turbo button a much to make him lift? Virtual weighlifting, to us, strikes us as symbolic of something frightening.

(By the way, if you're still needing your Madden fix, just type Madden into YouTube and keep yourself entertained for a while.)