A time when roughneck New Yorkers shift their sports attention away from Jets preseason, Joba Chamberlain pitch counts and the New York Mets Wing of Hospital for Special Surgery to a little tennis tournament in Queens, where they have no choice but to care about things like Rafael Nadal's knees, swarming Serbians and Juan Martin Del Potro. Andre Agassi is to be honored during a ceremony on opening night, but there's plenty of fodder beyond the return of the Day-Glo one. Here are nine story lines to keep a (hawk) eye on during the Open this year:

Federer.
Can anyone honestly stop Roger Federer? After a tearful loss to Nadal in the Australian Open final, the Swiss swordsman won the French Open (without having to beat Nadal), Wimbledon (without having to beat Nadal) and watched his (ahem) top seed produce a pair of twins with his wife Mirka (also without having to beat Nadal). He even won a tuneup in Cincinnati. Barring an upset-or a legitimately healthy Nadal-Federer will probably NetJet to his record 16th major title. And, of course, cry about it.

Nadal.
For a guy as fit as Rafael Nadal, his knees are a bit like Dick Cheney's. After a shocking loss in Paris and pulling out of Wimbledon, he has proclaimed them tendinitis-free for the hardcourts of Flushing. His draw, though, won't do them any favors, with Richard Gasquet — the tireless Frenchman who tested for positive for cocaine in Miami earlier this year but avoided a ban by claiming he must have ingested it by kissing a girl at a rave — awaiting the Majorcan matador in the first round. A quarterfinal match with Andy Murray, who unseated Nadal as the world's No. 2, would follow.

Roddick.
It's been more than five years since he won the U.S. Open. And after his marriage to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model (and Deadspin favorite) Brooklyn Decker earlier this year, the obvious question surrounding Andy Roddick was a simple one: Would he get complacent, now that he had this waiting for him in the players' box? Roddick answered that rather sufficiently during another epic, five-set-plus Wimbledon final. Until there's a little Roddecker in the oven, expect a Stifler-like focus, especially in New York, where his hard serve works best.

Sharapova.
After being saddled by arthroscopic shoulder surgery and rehab (oh, and a new line of signature Cole Haan handbags!) Maria Sharapova is back with a new, Roddick-like service motion. And it hasn't exactly worked. She reached the final in Toronto despite amassing more than 50 double faults (he former coach called the new serve "atrocious, plain atrocious"). On Sharapova's side of the women's draw, however, are six names ending in "ova" (Tsvetlana Pironkova, anyone?) not including hers.

The Williamses.
Television, inexplicably, loves it when Miami Dolphins-owning sisters Venus and Serena Williams play each other. The rest of us, however, have had enough — as it tends to produce some of the least compelling tennis this side of a Billie Jean King exhibition. And even when they do, they can be equally annoying in their corporate self-awareness (after beating Venus in the Wimbledon final, for instance, Serena called it her "G Moment.") Luckily they're on the same side of the draw, so if they do meet, it won't be in a final.

The McEnroes.
For the first time in ages, the Open won't be carried by the USA network — which hopefully means tennis fans won't be subject to a mid-night match channel switch as in previous years. It also means that John McEnroe, tennis' de facto commissioner (in many ways, the U.S. Open is the McEnroe Open), will be joining his brother Patrick in the ESPN broadcast booth. Which should be refreshing — both are relatively outspoken, P-Mac slightly less so — provided you can differentiate between their voices. One way to tell: John will be the one criticizing James Blake, a member of Patrick's U.S. Davis Cup team, during his perennial early exit.

Clijsters.
Kim Clijsters, who retijred in 2007, announced in April that she was comijng out of retijrement. The 25-year-old Belgijan will make her rejturn from hijatus in Queens. "I stijll have that craving," Clijsters said recently. "I look forwajrd to the chjallenge." Clijsters would face Venus in the fjourth round.

Hawk-Eye.
Forget the bean bags. Tennis has the best challenge system in major professional sports, hands down. Hawk-Eye, the camera-powered triangulation system that determines the position of the ball on the court, has revolutionized the sport (it beats the hell out of Cyclops-remember that bleeping thing?). Sure, some players, like Federer and Roddick, have complained it doesn't always work right. And sure, it makes the prospects of a McEnroe-like outburst less and less likely. But watching the replay along with the players on the Jumbotron during a crucial point in a match is sure as hell entertaining.

The Bondarenko Sisters.
Trust me on this one. For those of you Deadspin readers who watch tennis solely for the, uh, display of skills, look no further than Alona and Kateryna Bondarenko, a pair of dewy, deliciously toned sisters from the Ukraine. If you happen to get out to the Open, check them out up close on a side court, before their collective tan forces tournament organizers to put them on Arthur Ashe stadium in primetime.

Deadspin at the Open.
Speaking of which, Deadspin (er, me, resident Deucebag) will be out at the Open during the first week of the fortnight. If you're going, feel free to ping me at dylanstableford [AT] gmail [DOT] com or on Twitter (twitter.com/stableford) and we can grab what I'm sure will be a reasonably-priced beer. First one's on you!

First, we'll start by answering reader Bill's question with another question: Where do you go when you want to do a cursory search of someone else's biography? Wikipedia, of course. And the first line of Dulkos' entry in itself is a gold mine. It's where we unearth Dulko's nickname: The Incredible Dulk. Couldn't have done it better myself.

We also learn that Dulko prefers doubles — she won three of the Grand Slams as a junior — and while she has struggled in professional singles, her three-set win over Sharapova in the second round at Wimbledon could be her coming out party.

Like Sharapova, The Incredible Dulk is the subject of gossip fodder — especially in Australia, even though she's from Argentina. The two press clips worth reading about the reason you won't see Maria Sharapova in all whites for another year:

Sunday Age, Melbourne, Australia

Whatever damage Lleyton Hewitt and Juan Ignacio Chela did to Australian- Argentine relations, the splendiferously lithe Gisela Dulko repaired with one smile at the Hopman Cup. Even the Fanatics were prepared to forgive and forget as Dulko laughed her way through the mixed doubles with Chela, and the crowd clapped heartily. Her boyfriend is Chilean Fernando Gonzalez - last year's popular Australian Open runner-up. The couple are popular in South America, too - at Christmas, Gonzalez and Dulka visited "Las Rosas", a community of 2500 elderly people in Santiago. "The elder people congratulated Fernando for the girlfriend he has," explains a Gonzalez fan website. "They gave him presents, poems and songs to congratulate him."

The Age, Melbourne, Australia

Dulko's appeal is raw; her name is the focus of more internet searches than her ranking of 51 might deserve, some finishing with links to her boyfriend, men's world No.15 Fernando Gonzalez, others to generic websites showing "pictures of the sexy women of sports".

Next up for Dulko in the ladies' draw is Nadia Petrova.

UPDATE: Turns out, the photo we originally used isn't Dulko. The new one is.

Sharapova upset at Wimbledon [AP]

Taylor played for Alvarez from 1995 to 1998, and in one of life's cruel ironies, also played briefly for the Madison Mad Dogs, a professional indoor football team. Speaking of crazy, remember two of the league's other gloriously-named franchises, the Steel Valley Smash and Utah Catzz? But I digress.

Taylor, 32, left dozens of voicemail messages with the Wisconsin athletic department within the last week. Those messages included a call on Nov. 24 during which he said he would come to Madison to kill Alvarez and his family.

"I'll kill you first, mother (expletive)," Taylor said. "I've got 24 (expletive) hours, mother (expletive). I'm coming for your (expletive) ass. You might have a (expletive) war."

The profanity-laced messages accused Sharapova of committing various injustices against him. He said he wanted to marry her and kill her and her family.

"Barry, you heard that (expletive) message, (expletive) it. I hate that (expletive) Maria Sharapova ... I just want to look at you one (expletive) last time before I pull the (expletive) trigger, Barry," one message said.

Taylor was arrested on Friday in Indianapolis, where he lives. And so I'm left wondering, how did he get all of those phone numbers? Once he's better, this man has a future in sales.

Former Wisc. Player Accused Of Threatening Alvarez [Chicago Tribune]
Ex-Player Charged With Threats To Alvarez [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]

Notre Dame senior Charlie Ebersol and his father, NBC Sports Chairman and President Dick Ebersol, survived a charter plane crash that killed at least two people in Montrose, Colo. Sunday.

Both men were seriously injured when the private jet crashed on takeoff at Montrose Regional Airport, hitting a fence and bursting into flames, according to the Associated Press. The crash occurred at approximately 10 a.m. Mountain Standard Time and happened 185 miles southwest of Denver, near the Telluride Ski Area, according to the Bloomberg News Service.

Charlie Ebersol helped pull his father out through the front of the plane, which had been ripped apart from its cockpit, eyewitness Chuck Distel told the Associated Press.

Currently, Charlie's some sort of film producer working who's worked with entertainment legends like Ashton Kutcher. Sharapova's still nursing a sore shoulder and won't be able to compete the rest of this tennis season, but she's able to prance around socialite dinners and auction herself off for charity.

Celebrity Side Dish [NY Daily News]

For the women's championship, this preview offers a very comprehensive breakdown of all of the contenders.

So, if you want sometihng like that, go there. However, if you'd like your French Open previews equipped with upskirt photos of Daniela Hantuchova, go here.

Almost done...

French Open "Preview" [The OnDeck Circle]

"It was an awesome win, because I had so many critics. So many people ... saying negative things," Williams said. "Saying I wasn't fit, when I felt that I was really fit, and I could last three sets.

"It's always like, tell me no and I'll show you that I can do it. I get the greatest satisfaction just holding up the Grand Slam trophy and proving everyone wrong."

This is all very bad news for every other female on the planet who thinks they can play tennis. Serena missed almost all of last year with a knee injury, and had just three competitive matches under her belt before mowing through a major championship like Maurice Clarett goes through the cookies in the commissary.

At first we thought all the shrieking coming from Maria Sharapova on Tuesday was because of this guy. Apparently not. Sharapova, it seems, has a habit of screaming on every shot, something of which we were blissfully unaware until today, due to the fact that we watch her matches with the sound off. Her opponent in the Wimbledon quarterfinals on Tuesday, the lovely Elena Dementieva, did not have the luxury of volume control, and so took exception to all the caterwauling in her match, according to Reuters:

Personally I think it's a little bit too much. I think the umpire should calm down her a little bit.

Sharapova, who won 6-1 6-4, says she has no intention of stopping her screeching. You go, girl! By the way, check out Dementieva's expression in the video when the streaker shows up. It's not so much "I am shocked to see a naked man," as it is "That is sadly unimpressive." Turns out the streaker is Dutch, by the way. Figures.

Here's a version of the video showing the streaker sans blurry blockout of his privates, which we found via Bob Reno's BadJocks. We're told that it's toward the end of an eight-minute Wimbledon wrapup show, which is in French. So needless to say, we haven't actually seen it.

Sharapova Vows To Carry On Shrieking [MSNBC]
And They Call It The Streak [Deadspin]

Unless you're a woman, and you're hot.

No, sorry. WRONG.

Streaker Can't Deny Sharapova Semifinals [MSNBC]

In case you're in the same boat, well, enjoy these photos. If you wondered why women's tennis always gets better ratings than men's tennis, wonder no longer. Not that you really wondered. Oh, and also headlines such as these.

Sharapova Declares Her Love For Grass [Wimbledon Official Site]
Maria Sharapova [Official Site]
Ashley Harkleroad.Com [Official Site]

Anyway, the world of celebrity impersonators is a confusing one, and apparently, it's not too difficult to break into, if these respective impersonators of Maria Sharapova and Tiger Woods illustrate. The Sharpova double looks so little like the tennis player that she actually has a racket over her face, and the Tiger Woods guy, well, he's black, we guess.

Maria Sharapova [Spitting Images]
Tiger Woods [Lookalikes]

"I m not sure where she got it, but Martina seems to have really taken quite a liking to it," said former player and current analyst John McEnroe. "Every time I see her with it she has a huge smile on her face."

We were going to make a joke here, but SportsPickle beat us to it: "Billie Jean King and Amelie Mauresmo have both offered more than $1,000 for a single battery-powered Sharapova bobblehead."

Martina Navratilova Toting Around a Battery-Powered Maria Sharapova Bobblehead Doll [SportsPickle]

What might that strained chest muscle be? Some speculate that the "muscle" was "strained" because of some strategic air brushing on the above photo. Sources say Sharpova — who has been battling injuries of late — was less than pleased that her two special Advantages were "cleaned up" by tournament promoters.

This used to happen to Charles Barkley all the time.

Tennis' Treasure Chests [The Star]
Sharapova Out Of Rogers Cup [ESPN]

Honestly, though: You should hear the grunts we do when we put together this site. Each post is three, four ARGHGHGs! right there.

Raunchy? Poor Taste? You Bet [Newshounds]
Sharapova Screams Much Less Sexy On The Crapper [Sportspickle]

From Sports Hooligan comes this Japanese advertisement for a pillow with the same shape and texture as Maria Sharapova's breasts. Yep, you read that right. We know the translation is bad, but we still can't help but love this ad copy: "The chest which has become open can be enjoyed. Is just the person who obtained the commodity.

Sharonpowan! [Nodaya.net] (via Sports Hooligan]