It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Thanks For Thinking Of Us While Rummaging Through Your Good Friend's Facebook

AJ,

Big fan…longtime reader, first time emailer. Check out the attached photo. This is from a good friend's Facebook profile. It sure looks to me like Mark Cuban has his way with the ladies in Vegas. Use if you'd like, but please keep my name off.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

P.S. I got some other good Vegas pics of chicks with athletes. I'll email them later.

Good To Know ND Players Are Taking Photos During Practice

Got this from a friend on the team. Jimmy's visor he is practicing with and will wear on saturday night.

Trafficking in Slieze

I am unable to find so much as an unsupported allegation of impropriety by Tiger anywhere in your latest piece of trash in what has become a steady flow a slieze. I come here often and get some big laughs, but I've just about had enough. Are you people trying to see how irresposible and harmful you can be? Bill DeMark

Young Simmons Fan May Have Inadvertently Gotten His Fraternity in Trouble

"Q: I'm pledging a fraternity right now. Last night they put us in a cold shower for one hour and then tied us up outside to a pole wearing only our boxers in 30-degree weather for a couple of hours and I'm positive that the only thing that kept me from getting hypothermia was the fact that I knew you were suffering more knowing that a likeable Yankees team won the World Series. I want to say thank you for keeping me motivated.
— Eli, Binghamton, N.Y."

The above quote is from Bill Simmons popular mailbag column on ESPN.com, published here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnflpicks/091125

The behavior portrayed here is extremely disturbing and clearly constitutes hazing, and are grounds for felony and misdemeanor hazing charges. This student appears mentally unstable in believing that somebody's misery saved them from contracting hypothermia, and this certainly is a result of hazing brain-washing techniques.

I suggest you look into this situation, and further investigate the people behind these criminal acts. If in fact "Eli" student was dumb enough to use his own name in bragging about this hazing incident, it should not be difficult to find out who he is, and which fraternity he is pledging.

From the Binghamton University Police Policy:

"Binghamton University Policy on Hazing

Hazing, in any form, is not an accepted practice in Fraternity and Sorority Affairs. Binghamton University takes a strong and proactive stance against hazing for all students on campus. Hazing is against university policy and New York State Law. Please refer to the student code of conduct for a complete definition."

These are the NY state laws on hazing:

http://www.stophazing.org/laws/ny_law.htm

Thanks For Taking Some Time To Stop Drinking And Apply For A Job At Deadspin

Dashiell

I love deadspin! I am interrupting my thanksgiving because I'm forseeing a
blackout and i think i have a solid article idea. Oh my God my grandma
just asked me what a computer does. Anyways Jim Nantz for third time in
the first quarter has called a player down before actually being tackled
and then exclaims when the player riffles off like 5 more yards. Is this
clearly an attempt to make sound bites or does he announce flag football
and is confused as to when a player is down?

My dream is to become a deadspin writer or contributer and have been
caught by my boss many times and he says who pays you the dumb websites
you look at or me. Then I have to tell him that the actual owner is the
one who signs my modest checks not him. How does one get on the deadspin
team? This is not my best idea im a little buzzed and cannot believe how
well im spelling. Hope to hear from you.

Happy Thanksgiving
John L. D

And Here Are Two Photos of Billy Gillispie At A Lexington Bar Sent To Us For No Reason

And Everyone Tries To Fuck With Drew After Pat Murphy

Drew,
I am a student here at the University of Alabama, and have a short and sweet story about the Nicktator. A friend of mine works up at the athletic department, and one day she decided that she would make banana pudding for Coach Saban. So she shows up one afternoon and can not find Saban, and learns he has just left the building. Cute girl, chases down Saban as he is approaching his car. She walks up to him, and offers him the banana pudding she has made just for him. He sternly responds, "I don't eat banana pudding", gets in his car and speeds off. He knew someone with such penchant for Little Debbie does not like banana pudding.

The whore-loving nickel salesman initially laughed off the rumors that he was being courted to invest in the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets, but then admitted that he had indeed been approached to become a "shareholder" of the team. He did have a counter-proposal, however. It was: "Why don't you just give me all the shares and get out of my way?"

Oh, and he posted the offer on this blog. Eat your heart out, Mark Cuban!

For our group, participation in such a complex project undoubtedly is interesting only in the event that NBA technology can be used for the systematic development of basketball in Russia. ... We need to change the model of basketball development in Russia with the aid of super modern systems of training sportsmen (this is the innovative model). The basis for development should be a strong student basketball league beginning in children's sports schools. We'll get to work on this, if we realize this deal.

Over the weekend, I sent the "New Jersey" shareholders a counter proposal about our involvement in the project with an emphasis on Russian interests:

1. Commercial conditions:

* "ONEKSIM" provides financing for the construction of the new arena in Brooklyn guaranteed by a significant share in the project.
* a controlling shareholder interest in the "New Jersey" team will be transferred to the group for a symbolic price.
* as part of this deal, the group will attract correspondent financing in Western banks (I consider that if this works out, the deal would be just unique!).

2. Qualitative conditions:

* Russia would achieve a position of equality among the elites of world basketball.
* access to all modern technology and training methods with the possibility of using them in Russia.
* apprenticeships for leading Russian trainers and managers in the NBA.
* the ability to send our best students to NBA training camps.

In other words, all your Nets are belong to us. He'll build your little NBA arena, but then fill it with Russian supermen who will do his bidding. There's no rule that says an NBA team can't be owned by foreigners—or anyone crazier than Cuban—so if David Stern hasn't forgotten about his "NBA is a global game" fantasy, he might be all for it. Nine billion dollars buys you a lot of WNBA jerseys!

The only question that remains is what would be the best "symbolic price" for someone purchasing the New Jersey Nets? How about a picture of Vince Carter autographed by Kerry Kittles?

Prokhorov Issues Absurd Statement on the Nets and Atlantic Yards, No Matter How Well Translated [DDDB.net]
Russian billionaire might buy, move Nets to Brooklyn [Newsday]
Russian Tycoon Moves Closer to Netting Nets [Wall Street Journal]

UPDATE: It looks the Nets have accepted the deal. So welcome to the NBA Crazy Rich Russian Guy! [ESPN]

Mark Cuban was shut out in his futile efforts to buy the Chicago Cubs and now the team officially belongs to someone else. But Major League Baseball can't keep him out of the game forever! Cuban apparently used his massive wealth and valuable connections to score a seat with the Wrigley Field Bleacher Bums this weekend.

A Deadspin Operative reports:

Got these from my brother at the Cub's game today. Cuban rolled into the bleachers at wrigley with a couple dudes. Paid cash to have other fans get him chicago dog's and beers to get around the limits and the whole having to move thing. Apparently swears like a sailor. Awesome.

That's right, kiddo ... you are still an important big shot with lots of money. You'll show them. You'll show them all, won't you?

* * * * *

It's Monday. The End of August. And you said it would never happen.

So many asterisks. La La gave an interview to MomLogic—which has somehow cornered the NBA WAG beat—and gave a few more details about the Game 4 throwdown between the Mavericks and their fans.

"They began yelling 'F*** the Nuggets!' right in front of my son." Then she says they started calling the Nuggets players "n*****s." She was shocked. "I've been at a ton of games — but I have NEVER heard fans say things like that." Then, looking directly at her while taunting Anthony on the court, Lala says the fans called her son a "bastard."

"I know it was directed at me. Yes, my son's dad and I are not married — but we are engaged!" Lala turned to the fans and said, "This is just a GAME! Do you even know these players?!" She then asked her babysitter to take Kiyan out of the arena. The fans, who by this time, claims Lala, were completely intoxicated, became even "more aggressive," yelling "F*** the Nuggets!" and insulting their families — namely, Lala says, her and Carmelo. Then they physically pushed her. Pushed to the edge, she turned around and yelled back.

TV cameras captured security guards approaching her. "They said they had seen the whole thing and told me I had done nothing wrong. I was NOT ejected, they just escorted me to a suite [for safety]. I was mad!"

Now let's not get caught up the technicalities of what makes someone a bastard—that's just plain rude. Whatever happened to Texas hospitality?

Lala: Fans Called My Son a Bastard! [MomLogic]

A Dallas season ticket holder known only as Peggy—who I'm assuming is one of ladies picture here—was sitting behind La La Vazquez at Game 4 and refutes her claims of racist taunts from Maverick fans. Peggy claims that the whole ruckus started when La La's "bodyguard" turned around and insulted her first. Then the rest of the fans in the vicinity jumped to Peggy's defense and the whole thing escalated from there.

She said the only time any Mavs fan touched Vazquez was when a girl in Peggy's group accidentally brushed against her while reaching for a purse underneath her seat.

"Don't you ever (beep) touch me again!" Vazquez responded, according to Peggy, who added that Vazquez also flicked soda on them at that point.

"If that would have been any other fan, they would have been tossed out long before that girl was," Peggy said. "That little girl needed attention. Apparently, she's a has-been whatever."

See? Totally classy. Peggy also claims she was at Game 2 in Denver and had a pleasant chat with Lydia Moore. Kenyon Martin's mom is one of the good ones ... Nuggets fans, I mean.

Game 5 is tonight back in Colorado, but Mark Cuban will not be there because he has urgent business in Las Vegas. Will Peggy take his place? Let's hope so, because this whole series is cursed. There's the Dirk "unpleasantness," Chris Anderson's food poisoning and Antoine Wright had $120,000 worth of jewelry stolen from his home. I don't own $120,000 worth of anything, so I know how that must feel.

MFFL Peggy: LaLa Vazquez and her bodyguard were the instigators [Dallas Mavericks Blog]
Denver Nuggets Upset With Treatment From Dallas Mavericks Fans [CBS 11]
Dallas Mavericks' Antoine Wright reports nearly $120,000 in jewelry stolen from condo [Dallas Morning News]
Nuggets Family Members Probably Aren't Accepting That Apology Any Time Soon
You Can't Play With My La La

Ms. Vazquez, or just "La La" if you're hip enough, has had a distinguished career as a DJ, reality TV host, and playing herself in any movie that will have her. (I think "Soul Plane" was probably her most realistic portrayal of "Herself.") In basketball circles, she is also known as the fiancee of Mr. Carmelo Anthony, an engagement running over four years now. Anyway, she was asked to leave her courtside seat in Dallas last night after an unspecified "incident" with a couple of old white ladies sitting behind her.

It seems that things at the American Airlines Center were actually much uglier than we realized last night. In addition to Vazquez, Maverick fans got into shouting matches with Kenyon Martin's mom (there was even a report that someone threw a beer on her) and Martin's girlfriend, Trina. Martin himself was distracted by the incidents during the game and a Denver assistant actually went into the stands during the game to check on their own fans.

Asked if the game was hostile, [Coach George] Karl said: "I would probably use an uglier word than hostile. I don't think (the fans) were very classy."

We also missed this moment after the game, when Martin shouted at Cuban on the court, calling him a "faggot motherfucker." I wonder if that will come up at dinner?

So either Cuban had an epiphany later that evening—he didn't seem too distressed by the fan behavior immediately after the game—or he's trying to protect his own life when the series goes back to Denver. Either way, there's enough embarrassment to go around for everyone!

Melo's Girl Escorted Away From Courtside [NBC Dallas-Fort Worth]
K-Mart Calls Cuban Fa**ot M-F'er [NBC Dallas-Fort Worth]
Cuban apologizes to Martin, mother in blog [WTVD]
Nuggets denied series sweep [Denver Post]
Mark Cuban Ready To Kiss and Make Up [Deadspin]

After his team survived a squeaker of an elimination game, Cuban logged into his internet web log in the wee hours of this morning to offer his apologies to Kenyon Martin and his mom, Lydia Moore. (Pictured here, laughing at silly Texans I assume.) Tempers flared, feelings were hurt, but it's nothing that a lovely sit-down dinner can't fix.

No one takes more abuse and gets more threats on the road than I do. So I know exactly how it feels. I've also had my family and friends spit on at games in this series....

When the series comes back to Dallas, your family, and the family of other Nuggets players are welcome to stay in my suite, with my family. Its amazing how tempers mellow when real people talk to each other and realize that its still just a game.

If that isn't acceptable, I'm happy to provide a suite, free of charge to them as well and place whatever security is needed to make them feel comfortable....

So if we can put this behind us, I will make sure when the series comes back to Dallas, your family and friends, and that of your teammates are very comfortable at our Arena.

Then I hope we both take the advice of your coach and can get together this summer. Dinner for you and your family is on me.

That's sweet. Of course, in order for his generous offer to take effect, the series would have to go back to Dallas and I'm not sure Dirk Nowitski has that many fourth-quarter outbursts left in him. Unless the guy is willing to do whatever it takes to avoid going back the crazy train that is his home life.

An Apology to Kenyon Martin's Mom [Blog Maverick]
Dirk's Dilemma: Broken Cristal [Dallas Basketball]

Game 3 between the Mavericks and Nuggets ended with the hilarious situation of a team crying about not getting a foul called on them in the final seconds. As Cuban left the floor in a huff, he noticed an angry Dallas fan screaming about the Nuggets players being "thugs." (Again, Dallas was the team trying to foul in the final seconds.) Cuban admits that he then turned to Kenyon Martin's mom, Lydia Moore, who seated nearby and added "That includes your son." But he totally had a good reason for it!

Cuban said by e-mail he knew Martin's mother, because after a previous game that Denver won, she had approached him and made trash-talk-type comments.

Oh, and the Martin boy was fined $25,000 for a hard foul on Dirk Nowitski in Game 1, so obviously Cuban is right about him. I think he and Moore should be forced to sit next each other tonight, with isolation cameras and microphones, because we all deserve to get something interesting out of this sweep.

Cuban admits to "thug" comment about K-Mart [Denver Post]
Kenyon Martin not happy with Mark Cuban [Dallas Morning News]
Mark Cuban Goes After Kenyon Martin's Mother [Pacman Jonesin']

Carmelo Anthony stuck a dagger in the Mavericks last night, swishing a game-winning three with one second on the clock to win the game and put the Nuggets up 3-0 in the series.

The officials, who had called 61 fouls up to that point, missed an intentional foul on Melo by Antoine Wright that would have forced the Nuggets to take the ball out of bounds. Instead, Melo hit his shot, game over.

To add douchebag to injury, Mark Cuban decided put on a post-game show of his own. Predictably, freaking out about the foul, he ended up getting into a yelling match with Kenyon Martin's mom. This was followed by a "situation" with a cameraman. The cameraman says he was shoved, Cuban says he was merely moving him out of the way. I believe Cuban. I mean, he was probably protecting the cameraman from Kenyon's mom. I hear she's pretty fierce.

Oh, and that's not all. Josh Howard had to be restrained from going after referee Mark Wunderlich. After being pulled from the court by coaches and security, Howard takes a swing at a photographer's camera.

NBA officials issued the following mea culpa after the game:

At the end of the Dallas-Denver game this evening, the officials missed an intentional foul committed by Antoine Wright on Carmelo Anthony, just prior to Anthony's three-point basket.

This was followed by Cuban's head exploding.

Video evidence of the chaos:

Melo's shot wins Game 3 [Denver Post]
Mark Cuban, Josh Howard have confrontations with media [Dallas Morning News]

Dallas snagged the last playoff spot from Phoenix's hand last night, and it's the first time since his rookie year that Shaquille O'Neal will not be in the NBA Playoffs. (That was 16 years ago, believe it or not.) But even before the elimination became official, there was talk that Shaq was looking to fly the Suns coop and join his internet pal in Texas.

Why would he want to play for the Mavericks, and more specifically, Cuban? Well, there is the technological affinity. Their Twitter romance has been hot and heavy lately, especially during the Suns latest visit to Dallas. But the biggest draw might be O'Neal's love of presidential assassination sites. Shaq took an extra day off on Monday to visit Dealy Plaza and the grassy knoll that made Abraham Zapruder famous. Or was that really just a diversion for a clandestine meeting to illegally talk contracts with Cuban? It's a mystery wrapped inside inside a riddle wrapped inside a giant Twinkie.

In a way, these two goofball deserve each other. I'm sure they will be very happy together.

Dallas Basketball - Dallas Mavericks Basketball News and Links [Dallas Basketball]
THE FIX IS IN: Mark Cuban Hearts Shaq On Twitter [The Fix Blog]

Make no mistake—these guys are dorks. If Twitter doesn't make 35-year-old Google engineers cool, why should it be any different just because the user is a multimillionaire NBA player? Pierce put out a call this weekend for fans to meet his car outside of whatever building his team plays in, give the secret password and receive free tickets to the Celtics game. That's some serious, Dungeons and Dragons stuff, if you ask me. And he's not the first to do it, of course. He got the idea from Shaquille O'Neal, who—let's be completely honest—is really the world's largest (in volume) nerd.

Even Mark Cuban (rich nerd) has started skipping his blog and taking his referee complaints directly to Twitter. It saves time, but not money. I wonder if the NBA also lets him pay his fines via PayPal?

Considering all the half-time Tweeting and elaborate pre-game choreography when do these guys ever find the time to play basketball?

Paul Pierce Gives Away Celtics Tickets Via Twitter [Boston CS]
Inside Mark Cuban's $25K Tweet [Urlesque]

Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. Here is a man who stood up. From the Dallas Morning News:

"It's only one game, which I keep reminding myself of today," Cuban told reporters today. "But let's just say I wasn't happy with our preparation, execution or effort. Not only did it look like we had no idea what we were doing, but we did it without effort. The effort and energy, on both sides of the ball, by each player will decide their future with the Mavericks.

Here's more of his statement (parenthetical additions by me):

"If each player can't take the personal initiative to make every game important and play like it, I don't see them being here next season (I'm taking to you, Nowitzki). The ball won't always bounce the way we want it to (stupid, lazy air), but every player can control their level of effort (stupid Nowitzki). If it's not important enough to them to lay it out every game the rest of the season, they won't be back. I don't care what their contract is (luckily the economy is strong, so no worries there). I would rather turn over the roster 100 percent than subject fans to another game like last night (sent from my iPhone).

You just kind of have to wonder how effective these motivational speeches by owners are. My guess: Not very.

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?

Mark Cuban: Players Who Don't Give Effort Will Be Gone Next Season [Dallas Morning News]

You're going to have today and the weekend to vote on this one, so make it count. The Final Four will begin a week from Monday.

A look at the bracket to this point. (Thanks, Tick Crotch Jim Cooke.)

It's No. 1 seed Buzz Bissinger vs. No. 8 Mark Cuban. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 1 Buzz Bissinger
Opined.
Loudly.
Discussed.
Made up.
Entered the Hall of Fame.

No. 8 Mark Cuban
Ired by this site's former editor, for reasons unknown to anyone else.
Banned bloggers from his locker room, for reasons unknown to anyone else.
Pretended he had a chance to buy the Cubs.
Charged with insider trading, kind of.

I'm afraid to vote here, lest the one I choose (or not choose) come after me. But you don't have that problem. So vote.

Mark Cuban kept Howard's discipline in-house and said that his organization "would deal with it" but didn't get real specific. Howard also had that little anti-National Anthem dust-up in September that also brought him some unflattering notoriety. The Mavericks forward offered up a few more choice quotes recently — not about weed or flags this time — but something even more potentially embarrassing — his favorite skin care products. :

• "Nobody likes dry lips. To keep mine kissable, I use Aveeno Essential Moisture Lip Conditioner"

• "To keep my cheeks kissable, too, I opt for Aloe Soothing Day Cream."

• "After running the court, it's always nice to have a foot massage, then a little maintenance with Farmhouse Fresh Foot Scrubs in Sugared Maple. This stuff smells so good."

Dude....STOP.

I wonder if this interview will get Howard kicked off of the "Big City Rydaz" home page. I guess he can still be a "Big City Ryda" and use Farmhouse Foot Scrubs in Sugared Maple.

*****

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Sorry for the light posting day. More tomorrow.

Dallas Mavericks Josh Howard Shares His Favorite Skin Products [Dallas Morning News]

Other phrases not shown in video:

• "Insider trading? You're killing me!"

• "A c-note should get you more than one lap dance!"

• "Help! I'm getting the shit kicked out of me by the talking Don Nelson doll!"

• "Sam Zell won't take my calls!"

• "I love Will Leitch!"

If You Can't Make Fun Of Yourself ... [Blog Maverick]