Granted, the running back hasn't been determinded to have been drunk but...

(Voice of Sir David Attenborough: Watch now as the noble ape performs a clumsy reach to conflate two tenuously connected stories)

Maybe if he used Safe Ride Solutions, a San Diego-based service that ferries drunk athletes home so they don't drive drunk, things would've turned out better.

(Attenborough: Astounding. Simply astounding.)

The San Diego-based service caters to professional athletes in more than a dozen cities nationwide. Its biggest local client is the San Diego Chargers.

For an average of $200 to $300, players who want to drink but not drive can be shuttled around town for the entire night, or they can merely call for a ride when they are ready to head home.

The team became the first in the NFL to offer the program to its players and staff in 2006 in hopes of avoiding alcohol-related arrests that have made for frequent headlines.

Kudos to you, Chargers. I mean, they probably have taxis in San Diego, but those aren't insular vehicles where athletes can avoid coming in contact with the unwashed masses. Ugh. The very thought!

For right now, though, we turn our attention to the latest incident to increase his shadiness factor — booze smuggling in da club. According to the Buffalo News, Lynch's legal problems extend beyond the hit-and-run incident:

But some police officers in Buffalo and Hamburg are not surprised to hear that Lynch is having legal difficulties.

Lynch was tossed out of two Chippewa Street bars in recent months because he brought in his own bottle of liquor, which is illegal under state alcohol laws, according to three law enforcement officials.

“[Buffalo police] have been told by bar owners that he’ll walk in, order a glass of pop and pour his own liquor into it,” one officer said. “He was told that you can’t do that, and it doesn’t matter if you’re Marshawn Lynch.”

Ain't nothin' but a BYOB thang, fellas. Ease up.

Marshawn Lynch Has His Own Bottle Service [Icy-Hot Sensations]

Ralph Wilson, Bills execs, players to be subpoenaed in Lynch probe [Buffalo News]

You gotta love Marv Levy: he goes back so far, he's in front of us. The dude may have driven 40 miles per hour on the New York Thruway with his turn signal on all the way from Buffalo to New York , but Levy made a gutsy call once he got there (actually, he probably stayed in Buffalo, but you get the idea). Like many senior citizens, Levy is on a fixed income. The Bills held a garage sale in the offseason, losing Nate Clements, Takeo Spikes and Willis McGahee. The Bills needed to add a playmaker, and Lynch can help the offense. He's a great all-purpose talent with more big-play ability than the post-injury McGahee, and his receiving skills will help diversify the Bills' attack. The biggest risk is that Lynch, like McGahee, will chafe in the dim-lights, small city environment that is Buffalo .

I would have taken Leon Hall if I were Levy, but a team can only solve one problem at a time. Levy reached on Donte Whitner last year, and you know what? The Bills ranked 6th in the NFL in pass defense according to DVOA. Of course, Levy could just think that Lynch is a golf caddie, based on his cart-driving skills. If so, ignore the tempered optimism of this commentary. If Levy demands a five percent senior discount when negotiating Lynch's contract, we know the Bills are in trouble.