Well, Jason found a new target this past weekend: our good friend Martellus Bennett. Specifically, Whitlock takes issue with Marty B's Black Olympics clip on YouTube…

There's a backup tight end for the Dallas Cowboys who is doing everything he can possibly do to invite self-promotional controversy…

Now, in the past week, he debuted a video showcasing the "Black Olympics," a Kool-Aid-, fried chicken- and watermelon-eating contest between himself and his brother, a rookie free agent with the Seattle Seahawks… I am not easily offended. Perhaps it's my size and affinity for food, but I take virtually no offense to good-naturedly delivered jokes about food stereotypes. Everybody I know - black or white - loves properly seasoned fried chicken.

I don't know about you, but I don't even need proper seasoning to enjoy friend chicken. You could season it with anthrax and I'd still devour it. Anyway, back to Whitlock's rambling…

Watermelon is extremely healthy and very tasty. And it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I kicked my Kool-Aid habit.

When people e-mailed me on Friday asking what I thought of Bennett's "Black Olympics," I didn't know what to think.

I wasn't offended. I was sad. I grew even sadder throughout Friday and Saturday as it became apparent to me that Bennett's grab for controversy was being ignored.

Let's pause right here. So Whitlock starts off his column by trashing Marty B for inviting attention to his antics, but then professes sadness that people failed to pay attention to his antics. I think that merits a solid, "Juh?" But we've only begun to plumb the depths of Whitlock's increasingly unhinged attacks.

I've reluctantly made peace with the fact that black comedians and rappers can make millions of dollars shouting the N-word and lampooning/promoting negative black stereotypes.

If Barack Obama made use of the N-word a death-penalty offense, commercial rap music would disappear and nearly every black comedian would have to rewrite their material.

Oh, let's do it, then. Perfectly sane idea.

My point is I understand the economic impact of outlawing our (black) self-hate.

What I don't understand is when and why it became OK for a black athlete to milk the same cow.

I assumed that Bennett's "Black Olympics" would cause an uproar among the groups that claim to stand against just this kind of racial exploitation.

But Whitlock, isn't it better that NO ONE gave a shit about the video? Do you really want people ginning up outrage and giving Marty B more attention than you believe he deserves?

I like Whitlock, and 99% of the time he writes shit that's more interesting than pretty much any other sportswriter out there. In fact, I'm sure those are his exact marching orders from FOX. "Hey Jason. Go write some crazy shit that people will notice." But his efforts to stir up controversy now seems to scream, "OPRAH! HAVE ME BACK ON!" It's a neat little bit of irony, given that Whitlock is chastising Marty B for drawing unwarranted attention to himself while using his column to more or less do the exact same thing.

I emailed Marty B and his manager for comment on Whitlock's article, but they never got back to me. However, Marty B did respond to the criticism on Michael Irvin's radio show, apparently emerging from his appearance without Irvin having stabbed him in the neck with scissors. Some clips…

I don't really think it's offensive. It depends on your sense of humor and how you look at things. We were just having fun and it was very funny for me and my brothers, when I look at it I just can't stop laughing. If someone takes offense, I apologize. That wasn't my intention. It was just us having fun. Some people like what you do and some people don't. Always in life, anything you do, someone is going to have a different opinion than what you have…

I'll get criticized regardless. I don't do it to get crities (sic) or people say it's me fighting ot (sic) get attention, but it's not. ...It's just me being me. That's why I have Marty B TV for the fans to see what type of person I am outside of football. ...In my spare time I like to have fun and make these youtube videos. We're just having fun.

Now obviously, I have some bias in this argument. But doesn't Bennett sound like the sane person in this fight? "Hey, we decided to fuck around and make a stupid video. If people don't like it, oh well." Sounds like a perfectly rational rebuttal to me. Much more so than, "Hey everyone! Pay more attention to this camera hog so that we'll finally realize how much we black people hate ourselves and do something to correct it!" That argument's a bit of a stretch, particularly when you used column space the week before to call Serena Williams fat and lazy.

Then again, I am a white person. And like Leitch, there's a very good chance I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about when it comes to bojanglin' matters such as these. Perhaps the best way to settle this fight is to turn to the most democratic, articulate, and diverse group of voices in the world… YouTube commenters.

house niggers, always shucking and jiving for white people.

Why that dude isn't on welfare and instead makes a big paycheck is the American tragedy ! !

how bout a white olympics? who can snitch the most, who can bitch the most, and who is the most stuck up.

Thats great, I've got a few events in mind. the 40 OZ. Chug a lug - Crack pipe relay - Run to the mailbox for the government check, Most kids by different fathers, etc, etc. LOL

Uh oh. We may not settle this thing for a while.

UPDATE: Video response to Whitlock from the Marty B camp. Complete with handy screengrab! "He's a cross between Al Sharpton and Sean Hannity, if ever was a person." Indeed.

Yeah, so it's not exactly Voltaire. If you don't care to watch the whole Mac-manipulated ouevre, Martellus Bennett and his brother (Seahawks DE) Michael Bennett engage in a series of slightly-very-racist eating contests. Round 1: Fried Chicken. Round 2: Kool Aid. Round 3: Watermelon…and so on and so forth.

Honestly it's really more uncomfortable than offensive. The problem isn't so much MartyB doesn't know how to handle touchy racial stereotypes as that he seems generally oblivious. (What can I say? The man likes his chicken.)

Anyway, should you want something slightly more deft to cleanse the palate:

And perhaps less relevant, but probably the funniest thing I have ever seen:

Video: Martellus Bennett Black Olympics Leave Bad Taste [You Been Blinded]

Martellus Bennett Invents Black Olympics - Yikes [Sports by Brooks]

I was going to ask Marty B about trying to get playing time behind Jason Witten. I was going to ask him about the Cowboys incredible collapse against Philly in Week 17. I was going to ask him if Tony Romo will always be a choker. But I didn't. Mainly I asked him about chicken and fat women. We even played a game of "Healthy Fat or Unhealthy Fat" with famous buxom women. And frankly, that sort of analysis is far more in line with my expertise.

But there's more. Oh, so much more. Some choice quotes from Marty B…

On history: "It all started with the hobos."

On working as a lifeguard: "I don't do CPR. Once I get you out of the water, you're on your own after that."

On his taste in women: "Black men… we like ASS."

On Reggie Bush's woman, Kim Kardashian: "The butt is fake… they inserted throw pillows."

On salmon: "Most black people don't even know what salmon looks like."

On his physique: "I won the azz contest… I deserve a Bowflex commercial."

On eating dog: "I had dog at a Chinese restaurant one time." (Marty B also tells the story of Filipino neighbors who once stole all the neighborhood dogs and barbecued them. THAT'S NOT VERY NEIGHBORLY.)

On Oprah: "(Oprah) got enough money where she could buy real hair… she got enough like Magic Johnson getting over AIDS. She got enough money where she could find the cure for hair growth."

On TO's lame Twitter: "TO has the lamest Twitter."

On dating: "I would go Dutch. Or French."

On dinosaurs: "WHO THE HELL KNOW WHAT DINOSAURS SOUND LIKE? NO ONE WAS AROUND! THEY MIGHTA SOUNDED LIKE DOGS."

Goddamn right, they might have. We also talk about why black people can't swim, ugly groupies, having a shark in your bedroom, Marty B's psychic abilities, and the size of the Jack in the Box drive thru menu, which really is fucking huge…

AND THAT'S JUST A SINGLE QUADRANT OF IT!

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Marty B's manager also wanted me to plug their series of social events called The Socialite, which I almost certainly would never be allowed into. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as Marty B puts me on hold four times to talk to Marcus Spears. SPEARS!!!!!!!

/shakes fist

The Dallas Morning News has turned their "Cowboy Insider" blog over to the second-year tight end, which might be the great business decision they've ever made. His first post ever was on April Fool's Day and he chose to open with the story of a buddy who found himself on a date with a woman who was not as attractive as he remembered when he first asked her out. Dilemma!

Instead of leaving he orders popcorn, sour patches and two big 44oz drinks and proceeds into the movie finds them a seat and begins to sip his drink. He watches the previews and tells her that they need to go see one of the future movies in the previews if they ever go to the movie together again and smiles. Then he goes "man this is some strong stuff it is going straight threw me I have to go to the restroom". Gets up and walks all the way to his car gets in it starts it and leaves. Hahaha. Didn't tell her bye or anything just left. Now that's funny but is truly messed up.

Yes. Yes, it is. But Marty B assures us he would have handled it differently.

And that comes to WWMBD which stands for What Would Marty B Do? Now if I were in this situation I would have handled it differently, first I would have said I wasn't feeling well the moment I saw her, that wouldve set me up to be sick at any time. Then I would've order some of the same snacks and made sure I got nachos because we all know how they can upset a stomach. Then I would've went in the movie and began to live it up during the previews while destroying all the snacks. Next I woulda been like man those nachos got my stomach churning I need to use the restroom. This is awesome at this point I'm laughing in my head. Then I would leave the theater, go wherever while texting her the whole time like I was in the bathroom. Then I would return towards the end of the movie. That's perfect I must say this is the way to go about it. Hahahaha.

OMG, that frickin' genius. The next day he takes a shot at Mel Kiper Jr., because obviously no human could watch that much game film, but that was just a warmup for this:

I believe in aliens. I've actually seen four or five of them in my lifetime. Although they aren't as smart as everyone seems to think. I played one in monopoly, checkers, and chess and I destroy him/her couldn't really tell which it was so I'm just going to call it It.

Oh. I did not see that coming. He then goes on to compete in some sort of Alien vs. Marty decathlon, a sporting contest that he may believe actually happened. Fortunately, he brings things back to Earth (see what I did there?) with today's post...

Man what do you do if your chic farts?It doesn't seem as if women should fart. I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus. OMG! Now I knew it wasn't me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her. I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty.

Where is the subscribe button? Where?!!! I don't know what Marty B would do next, but I know what he should do and that is never stop blogging. Ever. He is a gift from writing heaven.

Cowboys Insider Blog [Dallas Morning News]
Martellus Bennett Is Blogging Now [Laddy McFaddy]

Good thing this followup came along when it did; I had no idea that the whole thing was the media's fault. The original was, apparently, "just a song." That clears that up.

The Cowboys fined Bennett 22 grand for his first little ditty, making it the first YouTube rap song to lose money, I believe.

It's also important to note that the best results in hip-hop are achieved when you whisper the lyrics.

Elsewhere in the vast galaxy of regret:

• "Sorry we thought that Ray Lewis and Justin Tuck in tights would sell beverages." — Pepsico

• "Well, it looks like another year of me. Sorry." — Bobby Bowden

• "Sorry for conjuring this horrifying image." — ESPN intern headline writers

• "Sorry for reminding everyone that today is the two-year anniversary of when Barbaro died." — Barbaro's brother

• "Sorry for this. Really, we feel foolish now that we've had time to reflect." — Japan

• "Sorry, no way in hell will there be a Steelers parade." — City of Pittsburgh

• "Sorry for the missing player. You noticed, right? ... Hello? — WNBA

• "Sorry about all the zombies." — Austin Dept. of Transportation

The Martellus Bennett Rao Saga [Sporting News]
Martellus Bennett Blames, Media, Apologizes To Fans [Dallas Morning News]
Cowboys Tight End Martelus Bennett Fined By Team For Rap Video [Forth Worth Star-Telegram]

It's true: The network just announced that it's developing a reality show centered on the life and times of Owens, who may or may not even be with he Cowboys next season. "VH1 announced Monday that the series takes place in the offseason, and T.O.'s best friends and publicists — Monique Jackson and Kita Williams — will help him re-examine his personal life. The two will work as 'matchmakers and therapists' for Owens." Sounds like I'm gonna need a whole handful of caffeine pills to stay awake through this.

That caps an exciting day in Cowboys news in which we also learn that tight end Martellus Bennett has recorded a rap song in which, among other things, he rhymes "Romo" with "homo;" and Romo's beloved intended, Jessica Simpson, appears at a chili cookoff in Florida showing off a few (dozen) extra pounds.

In case you're looking for Bennett's video, YouTube seems to have taken it down ... at the Cowboys' behest? By all accounts it was pretty bad. Here's a description:

It's just about what you'd expect from the Cowboys' wildly entertaining, slightly crazy young tight end. His first video features Bennett busting a freestyle rap bragging about having "Jerry Jones money" (while wearing a Cowboys helmet) and includes a bunch of words that aren't allowed to be used on this here blog. He has another R-rated rap titled, "Google Me" on his MySpace page. Hey, what do you expect from a goofy 21-year-old millionaire who doesn't have any professional obligations other than to work out daily? But I did call Bennett to request that he tone down the language in his raps.

Meanwhile, the center photo of Jessica Simpson above was taken at the 99.9 Kiss Country Chili Cookoff at C.B. Smith Park in Ft. Lauderdale on Sunday. Quite a transformation since July, I must say. Jessica, in WhyFame.com:

"Curves are better. I don't get the whole rail thing. It's not good for your heart, it's not good for your mind; it's emotionally destructive, it really is."

Plus, you're warmer in the winter.

If it was Jerry Jones' intention to bring some normalcy back to his team and return to the basics of football for the coming season, well, mission accomplished, my friend! The only thing missing is an actual clown car.

Jessica Simpson Has Gained A Couple Larry Legends (Lbs) [Sports Crackle Pop]
Breaking: Tony Romo Now Dating Dolly Parton [The Sports Hernia]
Get Cha Popcorn Ready, TO To Get Own Reality Show [Slow Breaker]
Martellus Bennett Has A Dirty Mouth And A Lot Of Free Time [Dallas Morning News]