What to Do When You Wake Up to Your Partner Masturbating Beside You

Sexy pop quiz! Have you ever awoken utterly confused to a mild vibration, only to find it's your partner taking care of business, solo-style right there beside you in bed? Did you: A) Laugh. B.) Ignore it or C.) Shut it down or D.) Lend a hand? Let's explore! » 1/24/15 3:46pm 1/24/15 3:46pm

Don't Have Kids? Don't Go To The Pumpkin Patch.

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering the NFL, stoner poop stories, old-man voices, and more. » 9/23/14 3:13pm 9/23/14 3:13pm

Helpful Advice From Gabe Kapler: Jerk Off With Coconut Oil

Former MLB outfielder and current Fox Sports 1 talking head Gabe Kapler is a man who possesses a lot of knowledge on how to live a healthy lifestyle, knowledge which he often dispenses on his personal blog, Kaplifestyle.com. A recent post about the many uses for coconut oil contains some of Kapler's most important… » 6/11/14 10:42am 6/11/14 10:42am

Which Two States Combined Would Make The Best Power State?

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering tire irons, treadmills, Harry Potter masturbating, and more. » 6/03/14 2:54pm 6/03/14 2:54pm

Sports Illustrated Goes Long On The Quarterback Who Couldn't

A 15,000-word piece about Tim Tebow is such a self-evidently bad idea that you would assume, not having read it, that this Sports Illustrated #longform offers something special to justify its claims on the time and attention of readers: fresh reporting, uniquely elegant writing, original ideas. » 11/26/13 2:12pm 11/26/13 2:12pm

How To Jerk Off In A War Zone: Servicemembers Weigh In

Last week, we published a military doctor's very useful field guide to masturbating while on active duty. Unsurprisingly, it elicited plenty of comment on the topic from experienced servicepeople, some of which we have collected for your enjoyment. Got anything to add? Leave a comment in the discussion below. » 2/19/13 7:30pm 2/19/13 7:30pm

The Coming War: A Military Doctor's Field Guide To Masturbating In…

The past decade of combat operations in Iraq and Afghanistan has given military physicians such as myself the important opportunity to gather unprecedented data on some of our most pressing medical issues. This data set has spurred advances in the care of trauma, hemorrhagic shock, traumatic brain injury, and other… » 2/14/13 6:20pm 2/14/13 6:20pm

Who Is The Most Masturbated-To Woman In History?

I just recently got a Christmas card from Drew and his family and I have to say: Is there any bigger fucking waste of time, energy, and paper than a Christmas card? I understand why people used to do it before Facebook existed, but currently, if someone has a baby, not a day goes by that a photo of that thing isn't… » 12/25/12 2:30pm 12/25/12 2:30pm

Sleeping Female Croatian Volleyball Player Robbed By Masturbating Man

The Croatian women's national volleyball team was recently in the town of Rovinj for a European championship qualifier. Mateja Rajkovic, one of the players, says a man broke into her bungalow and robbed her while she slept. The man made off with 50 euros, but according to Rajkovic, he also made off with himself: » 9/19/12 1:55pm 9/19/12 1:55pm

We Have A New Favorite Tennis Player: Jack Sock

This morning, Harvey Araton of The New York Times introduced the world to a U.S. Open qualifier named Jack Sock. Here's a passage that apparently posed no problem for any copy editors: » 8/28/12 10:05am 8/28/12 10:05am

Reader Robert "Beats Off" To This Czech Woman And Would Appreciate It…

We get tips. Lots of tips. And, don't get me wrong, they're the backbone of this site. But sometimes these tips reveal personal details about our readers. Like flicky Robert, who shared his feelings about Zuzana, this intimidatingly vascular woman in the pink tanktop. » 3/29/11 7:35pm 3/29/11 7:35pm

Man Masturbates In Toy Aisle To Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

According to police, William Black grabbed the SI mag at his local Walmart, walked to the toy aisle, rubbed one out, and wiped it on a plastic light saber. [The Smoking Gun] » 9/15/10 3:50pm 9/15/10 3:50pm

Poor Chan Gailey Can't Even Get Respect From Closed Captioning

Chan Gailey made light of his under-the-radar status in the NFL's coaching mechanical horsey ride, but it appears the TV robot felt obligated to add a little more pizazz to the Bills' humdrum choice. » 1/20/10 6:35pm 1/20/10 6:35pm

The Deadspin Polygraph Test! Will Leitch!

Welcome to the Deadspin Polygraph Test, where I choose a random person in the sports world and subject them to a series of embarrassing and deeply personal questions, almost all of which involve sex or poop. They can only answer yes or no. Now, I don’t posses an actual polygraph machine here. So I’m going to rely on… » 10/30/08 1:30pm 10/30/08 1:30pm

Yeah, I Have A Hard Time Keeping My Eyes Open Too Ashley

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin. » 10/27/08 12:30pm 10/27/08 12:30pm Liverpool fans must still be over today. A 1-0 win over Chelsea, giving their 86 game home winning streak the, well, 86, and moving . And I'm not not going to pee on the Reds' parade. I should if only because that's one of about three skills I have. That and…