Fast-Food Smackdown: McDonald's Mozzarella Sticks Vs. Wendy's Bacon Fondue Fries

Cheese trails only corgis and dead British men as a stimulator of exaggerated public devotion. Forgetting for a blessed second the “lactose intolerant” cowards who try to hide dime-store haterism behind their genetics and intestines, we all stand ever ready to declare undying love for good old thickened milk.

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Chicken Nugget Smackdown: Wendy's vs. Burger King vs. McDonald's

Little kids can be cool, but there are a lot of obvious arguments against parenthood. Children are demonstrably shouty, snotty, and wobbly, and they are rumored to be very expensive to maintain. It has also been widely reported that children have poor taste in television. These are among the reasons I am not currently…

John Oliver Chugs Bud Light Lime To Celebrate Blatter's Resignation

When Last Week Tonight host John Oliver pledged last week to consume a variety of McDonald’s, Budweiser, and Adidas products if those brands made Sepp Blatter go away, nobody imagined he’d have to make good so quickly. But make good he did, last night—though not before describing Bud Light Lime as tasting like “the…

Chicken Fight: McDonald's Artisan Grilled Vs. Taco Bell's Chickstar

Traditional fast-food sales are in decline in America, maybe because we’re finally smartening up and becoming more reluctant to treat our tongues, wallets, and digestive systems as mortal enemies. We’re still fat, ridiculous bastards, of course, but chain-restaurant sales data indicates that we’re starting to become a…

Rape, Murder, Violent Racism: The Weirdest McDonald's Ad Campaign Ever

So 28 years ago this month, McDonald's put together a campaign that would dominate the fast-food giant's advertising strategy for years. "Mac Tonight," a ploy to redefine the restaurant as a place worthy of serving you not just breakfast and lunch, but dinner, too, starred an anthropomorphic crescent moon/Jay Leno…

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Smackdown: Burger King's Extra Long BBQ Vs. McDonald's Jalapeño Double

At first glance, a horizontally oriented double cheeseburger doesn't seem very flashy: Mankind is well accustomed to taking our meals the long way. Cheesesteaks, ribs, roll-ups, Twinkies, wraps, corn, whatever the hell a hoagie is: All these and more have been served to us on the landscape setting since long before…

The Fast-Food Bacon Wars: McDonald's Goes High, Burger King Goes Low

Over the past decade, the American burgersphere has been shaped by three major forces: The first and most odious is the grind-your-own contingent's constant harping about how to flip a fucking hamburger. Having declared victory in their charcoal-fueled war against convenience (gas grills are still more popular among…