The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, told ESPN's Chris Mortensen on Saturday that there was no signing bonus, but Williams' salary in 2009 could increase significantly over this year's base of $730,000.

The Miami tailback can increase his 2008 compensation with easily achievable incentives, the source said. Williams, 31, was scheduled to be a free agent in '09.

Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland said Sunday that the team wanted to keep the 31-year-old running back so "he didn't become a free agent" after this season.

Williams hasn't played a complete NFL season since 2003, but has somehow won over Bill Parcells, the new czar of Dolphins football operations, so much that incumbent starter Ronnie Brown has been rumored to be shipped out of town. One could argue that Parcells has needed to mellow out for quite some time. Who in the league, then, would be better suited for the job?

Miami signs Williams to 1-year contract extension [ESPN]

Today: The Miami Dolphins.

Chris Joseph writes about South Florida sports for the Miami New Times and is editor of FinsNation, a Miami Dolphins blog.

It used to be that the Miami Dolphins were hailed as one of the proudest franchises in the NFL with a long rich history of greatness (in case you didn’t know, the Miami Dolphins are the only team to win all their games and the Super Bowl in a single season. True story). Yet for the last decade or so, the Dolphins have played football like old people fuck, and the only way to watch any of their games was to do so with an opium suppository shoved up your ass.

But now there’s suddenly reason to believe that Miami’s never-ending adventures in the land of utter sucktitude will soon be a thing of the past. And, as is our custom every year, Dolphins fans are getting jacked up and excited to the point that we’re just setting ourselves up for another colossal letdown of epic proportions. That’s just how we roll.

Dolphins fans have been waiting since last December to get the taste of an appalling one-win 2007 season out of our mouths. And now that Bill Parcells is in charge of things, the cockpunching has commenced. And it’s been quite awesome. Parcells comes into town with his love of racehorses, tits to rival Rich Garces, and a rep for turning crappy teams into great ones. The Tuna has already gutted the roster of some its more popular talents, like Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor. Bill Parcells cares not for our sentimental hang-ups. He’s filling the roster with his kind of players – big, strong and fast. It’s simply not a Bill Parcells team unless there’s a good possibility his players can dislodge their opponents’ brain stems from their respective spinal chords. Bill Parcells is The Cockpuncher.

We’re also quite excited about the return of Ricky Williams, which is a far cry from just three and a half seasons ago when we all wanted to collectively shit in his mouth. Football fans a fickle lot. We were all very excited last season when Ricky was reinstated into the NFL and came back from his Great White North exile. He was all set to make his triumphant return on Monday Night Football against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But in keeping with the Dolphins' 2007 team motto, We Have Shit For Luck And It Shows!, exactly one minute into the game, some asshole dickbrained douchebag Steeler stepped on his shoulder and ended his season. I mean, c’mon. Of all the fucking things. This only happens to us.

But this off-season, Ricky has looked healthy and focused. While Ronnie Brown has been nursing a sundry of negligible injuries on the sidelines during the preseason, Williams has been busy running over and through linebackers while getting fantasy football dorks all horny in the process. Ricky should have himself a good season running behind a new and improved offensive line. And that can only mean that opposing defenses are about to get Rickyed every Sunday afternoon. Used to be a time when “getting Rickyed” meant something entirely different for Williams. But those days are behind him now. We hope.

But at the end of the day, it still comes down to the quarterback position for the Dolphins. There have been a total of eleven quarterbacks who have started for Miami since Dan Marino retired in 1999. Among them: Daunte Culpepper, who recently turned down the Steelers because he wanted to have a legitimate chance to compete for the starting job (Daunte Culpepper needs to be locked into a portable toilet that’s been set on fire already); Ray Lucas, who lost his pinky toe in a street sweeper accident; Trent Green, who sadly died last season; Jay Fiedler, who was last seen playing Dr. Zira in an off-Broadway production of Escape From the Planet of the Apes; Joey Harrington, who is still somehow employed in the NFL; and A.J. Feeley, whom the Dolphins gave up a second-round draft pick to the Eagles to get. He’s now with the Eagles.

This off-season has been a battle between four new quarterbacks. Because four mediocre quarterbacks is better than one shitty one. There’s second-year man, BYU standout and all around terrific Mormon, John Beck. Many Dolphins fans thought Beck would be the hero they’d been waiting for after he was taken in the second round of the 2007 NFL Draft. At first, fans were upset when Miami passed on Brady Quinn. But after watching game film on Beck, these same fans were soon convinced that they could fool others into thinking they were football experts because they knew how to type ‘John Beck’ into the YouTube search engine, and thus declared Beck a draft-day steal. But Beck has shown nothing but the uncanny ability to fumble the football every single time he touches it while not ever uttering a single curse word in the process. Not a “fuck!” Not a “shit!” Not a “motherfucker!” Not a “cuntsicles!” Not even a “Dang it!” It’s really quite fascinating.

So in an attempt to offset this, the Dolphins brought in equally shitty QB and equally devout religious person, Josh McCown, to compete for the starting job this off-season. It appeared early in camp that Jesus seemed to owe Joseph Smith a favor and thus smote McCown with a chainsaw, but it turns out McCown is just a fucking moron. The Fins also drafted Chad Henne out of Michigan. Henne's big, immobile and stiff in the pocket. And his throwing mechanics are very, well .... mechanical. Henne also seems to be devoid of any emotion — whether it's in games or during interviews. This evidence suggests that Chad Henne is, in fact, a robot from the 50's. And he could very well be our savior. Or he could have arrived from outer space to warn us of our impending doom.

But just as we were about to hinge our hopes on a robot, a Mormon and a moron, the New York Jets traded for some aging hillbilly from Green Bay and released Chad Pennington. Bill Parcells' Pavlovian dog-like reflex whenever one of his former quarterbacks suddenly becomes available kicked up a few notches that afternoon. And Pennington was a Dolphin in no time. So far, Pennington’s been pretty good. It could be that he’s just the ultimate Dolphin fan’s slump-buster quarterback, which means if he can throw a football without completely shitting his pants, we’ll take him! Or it could be that he’s actually not a bad QB. Either way, he’s got the fan base excited and dreaming of that elusive 5 or 6 win season! Josh McCown and John Beck should give their hearts to Chad Pennington. Because he could very well be Jesus. Jesus was fair-haired, had a noodle arm and spoke with an irritating southern twang, right?

The 2008 Miami Dolphins will be all about Bill Parcells, Ricky Williams and hoping Chad Pennington can complete an entire 16-game season without hurting himself. Meh, we’re probably fucked anyway. What say we go and get Rickyed?

• Chad Pennington has landed in Miami after being ousted from the Jets in favor of whats-his-face. If he can stay healthy, he'll be the 13th quarterback since Dan Marino left to start for the Dolphins. Tough situation...the bar has been set pretty high by guys like AJ Feeley and Trent Green.

• Oakland's Johnnie Lee Higgins took a punt to the endzone in their 18-6 win over San Francisco, followed by his audition for Cirque du Soleil. It's great to see that kind of enthusiasm from guys trying to win starting positions. That is until they tear an ACL doing something stupid, like backflips.

There are seven games on the schedule for today. Those of you with regional coverage, enjoy the games. The rest of you underprivileged, stay tuned here. I'll keep you posted as the day wears on.

That striking matches sound you just heard was every Dolphins fan trying to burn their Dan Marino jerseys in tandem. I know it's been bad for the Dolphins, but, Quincy Carter bad? You'll recall that Carter played for Parcells at Dallas in 2004. Before heading to the Jets for three games and then failing in both the CFL and the Arena Football League 2 (yeah, the junior division). Supposedly Quincy will be trying out on Friday.

Carter's defense of himself is stellar:

“I see Ricky Williams playing again,” Carter told the Palm Beach Post before he checked into a South Florida rehab facility in December. “I only failed one test. Ricky failed about five or six.”

Yes, exactly, just what Dolphins fans want, someone who compares himself to Ricky Williams and has never issued a correct audible in his entire football career. John Beck and Chad Henne must be looking awesome in camp. Where oh where have you gone Jay Fiedler?

Dolphins QB race reaches nadir: Quincy Carter coming in for a tryout?

This is what Dolphins' coach Tony Sparano had to say about Taylor's prolonged absenteeism and palpable indiference toward the team:

"I'm glad we know this. We've gotten the information, and that's important. I know that Jason is not going to be in any minicamps, and I know that right now Jason is not going to be at training camp. So that's what we know. Jason's a player under contract with the Miami Dolphins. He knows that. Both parties are well aware of the information. That's all I'm going to say about it. ... We need to discuss the current players on our team right now that have been busting their butt for nine weeks here."

Honestly, has Sparano seen those behind-the-scenes workouts the celebrity dancers have to go through? Granted, it aint no blocking sled, but it's not like you can imply that Taylor's been sitting around his house drinking pancake batter and smoking cigarettes. He's been learning how to do handstand-into-horizontal flops.

Dolphins: Jason Taylor Not Coming To Mini-Camp [Sports By Brooks]
Ties Between Dolphins, Jason Taylor All But Severed [AP]

"We have two stories regarding an incident that occurred on Friday afternoon in the parking lot of Bed, Bath & Beyond on University Drive," [Lt. Wiliam]Coyne said. "There was a dispute over money. We are investigating the statements of both parties." ...[A] report on WPLG-Channel 10 alleged that Allen borrowed money to pay gambling debts. When repayment was demanded, the person claimed Allen pulled a gun. Police would not confirm the report.

So, for all anybody knows at this point, Allen could've been involved in a troublesome situation involving a shady debt-collector who likes to handle his business in a public parking lot should a client actually pull a gun on him. Or, we completely underestimate how seriously NFL players and loan sharks take their sales on outdoor linens right before Memorial Day.

Police investigating Dolphins' cornerback Allen [Sun-Sentinel]

Don't you go Hollywood, Jake.

Jake Long Is The First Pick Of The Guitar Hero Draft [Don Chavez]

Now, those rumored sightings of Big Jake shoe shopping with Nathan Lane along Ocean Drive the last couple weeks make perfect sense. The Dolphins will do anything to get the player they covet.

Following in the clomping, shambling "steps" of Mark Cuban, Kenny Mayne and Emmitt Smith, Taylor will be on next year's Dancing With The Stars.

USA Today has the full list, which includes Monica Seles, Kristi Yamaguchi and Simmons buddy Adam Carrola. As long as someone makes this facial expression, we'll be happy.

Jason Taylor To Be On Dancing With The Stars [Sports By Brooks]

Here's the version that aired. Still, even though they had all the bases covered, I still would have liked to have been in the control room when Manning threw that last TD pass, as Fox technicians scrambled to find the tape that had the Giants' version of the commercial. "Where is it? Hal ... you were using it as a doorstop? Jesus!"

Alternate Perfectville Commercial By Reebok Had The Patriots Won [Larry Brown Sports]

We remember hearing rumblings that now-axed Dolphins coach Cam Cameron could be up for some other NFL jobs, and we can only so: Please, no. Not because Cameron is inherently a bad coach — though he might be — and not because he's a bad guy or anything, but because a lifetime head coaching mark of 1-15 is the stuff of which legends are made. How do you not admire a guy who spends one season in the NFL, goes 1-15, and then never coaches again? It's freaking epic. Cam, you owe it to history to retire. Your name will never be forgotten.

Dolphins Fire Cameron [Ft. Lauderdale Sun Sentinel]

Therefore, Football Guys, the official chatroom of the NFL. It will run here on Deadspin weekly, every Tuesday, until the end of the NFL season. So do enjoy, after the jump.

• We try to explain to people how we could possibly remain a fan of the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals despite the team having made the playoffs once in the last 25 (soon to be 26) years. We can only say that the job of winning, in the world of the NFL anyway, outweighs the pain of losing. In baseball, loses can pile up on a nightly basis, pummeling you into a state of resignation. But in the NFL, it still means something to win one game. Even if it's just one.

Therefore, we absolutely understand FinsNation's euphoria after the Dolphins' first victory yesterday.

My feet still haven't touched the ground. My throat is raw and scratchy. My voice is shot. I sound like Jennifer Tilly after several rounds of scotch and cigarettes at a Poker tournament. Myself, and everyone around me, are acting like we're in a Dr. Pepper commercial. My brain still can't wrap around the idea that, yes goddamit!!, we fucking won a game!

Rock on! 1-15, or death!

• Speaking of our Buzzsaw ... well, we can't really speak of our Buzzsaw yet, except to say home games against Atlanta and St. Louis to finished went from Holy Crap We're So Lucky (because two wins could mean playoffs) to Jesus Christ They're Gonna Hurt Our Draft Spot next year (after the error-plagued loss to the New Orleans yesterday). It was kind of fun seeing Kurt Warner get into a fight on the sidelines, though.

• We're gonna talk more about this later on, but it must be noted early: This might end up as the most frustrating fantasy football season of all time. We'll explain later, but, frankly, we assume you already know what we're talking about.

• Sometimes, we wish all football games were played under the conditions of the Bills-Browns game. It's the only thing that could have made that Jets-Pats more interesting. All salute Bill Belichick, by the way; the guy can do whatever he wants now, even if what he wants is to dull up the most hyped game of the year simply because he can.

• After watching the Giants game, that impending Seahawks-Giants playoff game is going to be eminently skippable, if you're the type of jerk who skips playoff games.

• We'll admit it: We're rooting for the Browns to overtake the Steelers. Jeez, how could we not?

In other news: Fred Taylor's groin, oblivious to cold weather, scored a touchdown in the final two minutes as the Jags withstood a late fourth-quarter Steelers run to assure a playoff spot; the Pats just beat the Jets by 10 because something is definitely wrong with this 14-0 team; and the Browns held on to beat my beloved Bills 8-0. At least I think that's what happened. It was a little difficult to see these games at times.

Checking in on the four o'clock fun: the Cowboys second drive ended in an interception, recovered fumble and three points; the Colts T.J. Rushing (and his incredible football name) returned a 90-yard punt to put Indy up early; and the Chargers are absolutely spanking the Fuck Lions. It's already 20-0 Bolts with like, six minutes to go in the second. We'll see if Norv can blow this.

And finally, tonight, I just realized there are TWO games on tap. Well, there was at least. Yeah, you see, 'Nightmare Ant' doesn't like switching back and forth between games, so he just decided to combine the Redskins-Giants and Bears-Vikings into one. So, um, yeah ... it's Washington at Minnesota now. No Neck Beard tonight, folks. Sorry.

OK, I'm done. I need to go shovel my bike out from under six-feet of snow. I'm J.E. Skeets, and you've been the best! Enjoy the games, guys.

Actually, for a 3-0 game, there was some enjoyable moments, not least of which was the return of Ricky Williams, who ran for 15 yards — there were no yardlines, so that number's pretty much a guess — on six carries before getting hurt, of course. (Football is somewhat rougher than yoga, apparently.) The highlight might have been Joey Porter intercepting a pass and then taunting his former Steelers teammates. We think that Joey Porter's career could not wrap up in any more fitting a fashion than on a winless team, with Joey still jumping around and barking.

Sometimes we think football would be more fun if every field were just soaked and muddy. Especially domed games. Everyone would be so confused.

Steelers 3, Dolphins 0 [The Phins Blog]

It seems unlikely it'll happen this week; maybe the Dolphins should play the freaking Buzzsaw. The Steelers should have themselves some fun tonight, though it'll be amusing to hear Kornheiser attempt to come up with John Beck jokes. So, you know, enjoy, if you can: If only this were the game on the NFL network.

The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished. You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it," Shula told the Daily News. "Belichick was fined $500,000, the team was fined $250,00 and they lost a first-round draft choice. That tells you the seriousness or significance of what they found.

"I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record. I guess it will be noted that the Patriots were fined and a No. 1 draft choice was taken away during that year of accomplishment. The sad thing is Tom Brady looks so good, it doesn't look like he needs any help."

Two things here: Shula, of course, is still bitter about the snow plow game. And if it came to it, he could still kick Belichick's ass.

Meanwhile, there are some who say that it's the '72 Dolphins who deserve the asterisk.

19-0 Pats Would Need An Asterisk, Shula Says [MSNBC]
Getting Tough With The '72 Dolphins [Out Of Left Field]

Turns out, you can get Terrence Howard, but not Matthew McConaughey.

"Well, I'm sure it'd be easier if we were 7-0," [the team's PR director] said. "But hopefully, we'll get many more big names." Compounded with the team's losing streak is some of the higher-ups' hesitation when it comes to more controversial characters. Porter has reached out to the likes of trainwreck Britney Spears, her ex baby-making accomplice, Kevin Federline, and the oft-rehabbed Lindsay Lohan, but has been overruled.

Other things that went wrong: Texas hunk Matthew McConaughey (Sahara) was supposed to be here Sunday but demanded a private jet, and rap mogul Diddy said he'd be at the home opener against Dallas in September but never showed up.

If the Dolphins keep losing, they're not even gonna be able to get Saget. And that, friends, is tragic.

Few Celebs Coming In On Dolphins' Dime [Palm Beach Post]

Next February, after his former Miami Dolphins teammates are putting the finishing touches on their Super Bowl victory, Ricky is teaching a yoga seminar.

Ricky Williams (Rudra) is a professional NFL (National Football League) player and winner of the Heisman Trophy. He is also a Sivananda Yoga teacher with experience in teaching hatha yoga in Sivananda Ashrams around the world.

In competition, athletes at all ability levels tend to have a fear of losing, of other competitors, or of developing mental deterrents to excellent performance. Meditation is invaluable in overcoming these problems. One of the great benefits of yoga practice is to unite the forces of body and mind so that they are not at odds with one another. This is also of great benefit to athletes, sportsmen and sportswomen. Asanas and pranayama help to develop greater body awareness, and to build up vitality and concentration.

If the Dolphins are smart, they'll send Ronnie Brown to that thing. Heck, bring Cleo Lemon, while you're at it.

Yoga And Sports [My Yoga]

Last year the British government decided J.M.W. Turner's watercolor, "The Blue Rigi," was too valuable a possession to be let out of the country and sent to the U.S., so forgive one American for getting a little worked up over allowing them to see one of our national masterpieces, Jeremy Shockey!

On Sunday, the New York Giants' tight end, along with his teammates, is playing the first regular season NFL game outside North America, at London's Wembley Stadium, against the Miami Dolphins. I have no problem with the general concept; teams should be free to cross international boundaries the same way great art is. Trade, commerce, ideas - fine. Let the rest of Big Blue and The Fish tangle, but we've made an incalculable blunder by letting Shockey go.

National treasures should not leave our safekeeping. Shockey! (I always inscribe the name this way because the man is a living, breathing football-playing exclamation; besides, pity the puny period that tries to stop him) should not be exported, even if for only a few days, because it diminishes this country, and puts our identity at risk. It chisels off a piece of our bedrock and blithely puts it in the hands of foreigners who couldn't conclude its net worth even if Sherlock Holmes was on the case.

Do you sleep more soundly knowing Shockey! is here or seeing him displayed on foreign soil standing next to a Beefeater? The answer's simple.

Shockey! is everything America has got going for it.

Shockey! exhibits an insane disregard for his well-being. And so does America.

Shockey! punishes evildoers (in a game his rookie year of 2002, Philadelphia defender Bryan Dawkins broke the Giants' Ike Hilliard's collarbone with a cheap hit. Later in the year, fighting for a playoff spot in the season's last regular-season game, Shockey! caught a crucial touchdown pass in the end zone, came down on top of Dawkins, pasted the football on his opponent's facemask and declared, "That's for Ike."). Well that's just like America. Saddam Hussein took a cheap shot at Kuwait, and we wound up shoving the pigskin in his face, didn't we?

Shockey! sometimes gets carried away and does stupid things. And so does America.

Shockey! likes to party. So does America.

Shockey! has a tattoo. And, look around, so does America.

It took the mere prospect of an agreement to let the United Arab Emirates oversee security operations at our ports for Congress and the rest of us to huff and puff up a hurricane of outrage about how we were compromising our country's strength. And yet, as regards shipping out Shockey! not a peep from the government. Not a word from any of the Presidential candidates. Bill O'Reilly falls silent. Wolf Blitzer spits the bit.

Yeah, I know our borders aren't secure, we're waging a global war against terrorism and California is burning, but where is the Department of Homeland Security when we really need it?

Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder will be in the strange land of Lon-don, and clearly his Florida education has paid off in the field of geography.

"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that. I know London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."

This is true: Everybody knows there are no black people in London. Well, other than Prince Charles.

Channing Crowder Must Have Failed Geography [The Phinsider]

Seriously, that thing's gonna kill somebody. Which it becomes self-aware, man, we're all doomed.

Jason Taylor Is Attacking London [Deadspin]

Ahem. Anyway, with the Giants and the Dolphins squaring off in London this Sunday, the NFL is promoting it by putting a huge freaking statue of Jason Taylor in the middle of downtown.

The formidable animatronic, the biggest animated human figure ever built at 26ft, is a 'world first' and has been specially created by an award winning team at London-based SFX Company Artem Ltd, as part of an experiential marketing campaign undertaken on behalf of the NFL by Not Actual Size.



Remarkably, this feat of engineering has taken just under 10 weeks to construct, with a team of more than 40 people working round the clock to build the superstructure in time for its official unveiling in Trafalgar Square on Monday 22nd October.



A specially adapted camera is fitted to the helmet of Big JT and is programmed to transmit images of what Jason 'sees' onto a 40ft LED screen which travels behind him. Big JT also reacts to footage of himself and team mates played on the screen - cheering touchdowns and tough tackles.

We're sorry: This is absolutely fucking terrifying. A 23-foot tall robotic Jason Taylor that "reacts to footage of himself and team mates played on the screen?" Sweet God: It's like Godzilla, only with smoother skin!

Big JT Lands In London [NFL London]

Your author is John Bolster, the sports editor of Penthouse magazine. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

The title of Worst Offseason 2007 unquestionably goes to the Atlanta Falcons, but running a very close second, and lost in all the fur-flying Michael Vick coverage, is the once-proud Miami Dolphins franchise.

The Dolphins—who own the only undefeated season in NFL history and 12 division titles; who have made five Super Bowl appearances and won two championships; who produced the winningest coach in NFL history (Don Shula), the most prolific passer (Dan Marino), and nine Hall of Famers—were already in the midst of the longest playoff drought in franchise history (five years, and counting). Then things went from bad to worse to elephant-excrement-propelled-into-industrial-fan horrible.

First there was the soufflé-like collapse of last season, which the Dolphins entered as a glamour darkhorse pick based on their six straight victories to close out the previous season ... only to lose six of their first seven games and finish dead last in the AFC East at 6-10.

That was bad. But it was only the beginning.

In fact, my younger brother who—as documented in last year's Deadspin Dolphins preview—takes these things much harder than I do, has been stuck in Stage 1 of the Kubler Ross stages of grief since late 2006.

It's kind of creepy—the whole thing has just jammed up his processors. He hasn't gotten angry or depressed yet—he's just been jabbering away in denial for months now:

Here he was in January:

"Nick Saban would never ditch Miami for Tuscaloosa! He's been saying for weeks that he has no interest in the Alabama job. How can he expect players to be accountable if he's not? Please. He's not going anywhere."

And in April:

"You cant tell me we would draft a return guy—an injured return guy—with the ninth overall pick. We've had quarterback problems since Marino left, and Brady Quinn's available, for chrissake. What, you think the front office is full of morons?

And in July:

"There's no way the Culpepper deal ends as an exploding trainwreck, with him only seeing action in four games before he leaves—quoting Gandhi, no less (1)—and we get absolutely nothing in return for him. That would be an embarrassment, and of course it could never happen."

It's a fascinating defense mechanism—just total denial. But since I'm marginally more well-adjusted than my brother, I have managed to accept these painful realities and have moved on.

Yes, those terrible things did happen, and yes the Phins went out and got a 37-year-old quarterback (Trent Green) with a history of concussions to put behind an O-line that could be charitably described as "the most prominent area of concern for the team." Green is one big hit away from calling it a career (or worse), and he'll be "protected" this season by a line featuring five new starters, all of them mediocre at best, and one of them a rookie (Samson Satele). Sweet.

And there was more: Step off Cincinnati Bengals—the Miami Dolphins moved to the top of the leaderboard in player arrests this offseason, racking up four, including a DUI for their top receiver (Chris Chambers), an assault charge for their "prized" free-agent acquisiton (Joey Porter), and a memorable turn by Fred Evans (since waived), who had a dispute with a cab driver and—speaking of Gandhi—exercised his right to passive resistance by refusing to get out of the cab when police arrived. This led to the tasering of his ass by the cops, a few thrown punches, a bite or two, and the creation of this deranged-looking mug shot.

Godspeed, Fred Evans.

Yes, it was a poor off-season for the Miami Dolphins, and I'm using Webster's oft-overlooked sixth definition of 'poor,' which reads, 'outside of tragic deaths, capital crimes, or the outright collapse of the franchise, it could not possibly have been worse.'

But you know what? I cycled through anger:

(Yes, "Boo! Cam Cameron, Boo!") (And why does Cameron keep talking about Ginn and his family? Does he have a speedy brother who's included in the pick?);

I bargained (Just let them win eight games); and I was depressed (Who wants to spend Sunday afternoons indoors anyway? Screw football).

But now, with the season just weeks away, I've broken through to the blissful state of acceptance, as bright and warm as the South Florida sun. It's going to be okay. I know this because my expectations are now so low that any kind of success at all will feel like a triumph.

And hey, Miami still has a damn good defense, anchored by 2006 Defensive Player of the Year Jason Taylor, All-Pro linebacker Zach Thomas, and Porter, who promises to avoid blackjack tables for the entire season.

Other factors have helped the healing process, too: The Dolphins have a mercifully weak schedule this season, their opponents clocking in with a .512 winning percentage, one that ESPN's John Clayton says could drop down to .477 "just going off schedule adjustments." I have no idea what that means, but if it makes the going any easier for Miami, I'm all for it.

I've also sustained myself on the hope (faint) that running back Ronnie Brown will start playing like a No. 2 overall draft pick should play, or the possibility (remote), that Green will be effective and stay healthy, or that Ginn (and his family) will break off a few touchdown returns—and possibly even contribute as a defense-stretching wide receiver. Lastly, our backup QB is Cleo Lemon, who clearly was a 1920s Blues musician in another life. That or a Negro League legend.

I've told all of this to my poor deluded brother, but to no effect. I even tried to break him down with humor, telling him, "Hey, failing all the potential bright spots, there's always the chance that Ricky comes back to make things interesting again.

"Comes back?" he said. "You mean Ricky left?"

FOOTNOTE

(1). Culpepper after parting ways with Miami: "As I was going through this process, I heard about a quote by Gandhi that best expresses my thoughts about this victory [being released from the team]. He said 'First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.'

Police twice used a Taser gun on Evans, according to the arrest report, in attempts to subdue the 6-foot-4, 305-pound player who appeared in one game as a rookie last season with the Dolphins. Officers said they asked Evans to leave the taxi and, after he refused, they attempted to put him in handcuffs. He allegedly resisted, leading to the scuffle.

Evans was charged with multiple counts of battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting with violence, along with single counts of disorderly intoxication and trespassing. One officer was allegedly bitten on the wrist and a female officer sustained scrapes on her left knee, police said.

Too drunk to get out of the cab, but not too drunk to fight cops. Fred Evans has the heart bicuspids of a champion.

Pacman bites a bouncer's leg, this guy bites a cop's wrist ... these guys aren't just asshole athlete criminals anymore, they're bonafide predators.

Dolphins' Evans Arrested In Miami [The Ledger]

Well, the NFL is onto your sick and twisted game: You have to pick up your tickets the week of the game.

"We don't want fans re-selling these tickets," NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said. "We had to create a system that would accommodate Dolphins season-ticket holders and U.K. and European fans. Without that there's the potential for fans to have to pay extraordinary prices for these tickets from people in South Florida, who may be selling them."

So yeah, you better book your plane tickets fast.

The NFL Would Like To Say Something To Dolphins Season Ticket Holders [Lt. Winslow]

In the sixth round of the NFL Draft on Sunday, the Miami Dolphins selected Hawaii running back Reagan Mauia, a cannonball who was actually named after Ronald Reagan. And, as this video shows, he's a fan of the X-Men and loves to smash himself into things.

Personally, we think that wall is made of paper, or maybe styrofoam.

Draft Pick Runs Through Wall [Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel]

Sticking with the Brady Quinn theme for a second (I can't help it, he's just so damned handsome), that's a Dolphins fan reacting to the Fish not selecting Brady Quinn yesterday. It's nothing personal, of course, Tedy Ginn.

On the other hand, that guy's wearing a Daunte Culpepper jersey ... his judgment might not be the sharpest in the world.

Miami Dolphin's Draft Day 2007 [YouTube]

New Dolphins coach Cam Cameron is a divergent thinker. The Dolphins wanted a quarterback in round one, and Cameron wanted someone who could make decisions under duress. So he made quarterbacks diagram plays during interviews under a strict time limit. The Quick Draw drill left the Dolphins with two top targets: Brady Quinn and Toulouse Lautrec. Lautrec had too many passes batted down at the line, and Quinn's haricut scared them off, so the Dolphins set their sights on Ginn. Or maybe this is a dimpled chad thing: Cameron got his "Q" and "G" mixed up and really wanted Quinn.

This is a bad, bad pick. Ginn couldn't find the middle of the field if you gave him Mapquest directions and a GPS. Ginn's extremely fast and could impersonate Devin Hester as a rookie, but he doesn't like to stray into that neighborhood between the hashmarks where those big, bad safeties live. That's a big red flag: the NFL is full of guys like Roddy White and Brandon Lloyd who can't contribute to an offense because they get the yips when they're too far from the sidelines.

The Dolphins will probably trade for Trent Green in the next few weeks. Their plan is to keep signing veteran passers coming off scary injuries until one of them pans out. Whoever starts at quarterback can just rip all the dig and drag routes out of his playbook. Randy McMichael is gone, and Ginn sure isn't going to run 'em.

I thought I remembered Ricky saying that he wanted to stay in Canada. I've always personally thought Ricky was extremely likable, but he does have sort of a Ron Artest quality about him — not that he's dangerous, just that he says things that he thinks he believes, but that most people know have zero chance of actually being true.

Anyway, now he's excited about coming back to the NFL and the Miami Dolphins, an organization that hasn't changed much at all since Ricky's been away. The Dolphins, for their part, say there's absolutely nothing to report about Ricky Williams and would seem to want to pretend that Ricky does not exist.

Steinberg also says that Ricky wants to write a book (crayon on hemp, I'm guessing), which I'd consider a must-read. Crazy/interesting athletes have written books before, but none quite on the level of Ricky, and it's usually after they've retired. It wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that Ricky was able to bang out a few chapters during Argonauts huddles.

Williams starting process to return to NFL [ESPN]

"They were throwing down," said [Dave Benz, an eyewitness]. "They must have each gotten in a good three or four swings. Then all of a sudden, the bigger guy who I found out later was Levi Jones, picked up Joey Porter and tossed him probably 10 feet like he was a rag doll." Benz said there was about 10 seconds where people broke the fight up, but said Porter broke loose and went after Jones again."

Joey Porter broke free and ran full sprint at Levi Jones and dove through the air at him like he was trying to tackle Ladanian Tomlinson. Took him down with a tackle, then the two of them got up. They were throwing fists again. It sounded like a 'Rocky' movie."

When you realize how big Levi Jones is, it's not surprisingly that he would both tower over Porter and also not be able to get rid of him, at all.

Save Some Of That For The Sequel [Chicks Did The Long Ball]
We'd Recommend Not Playing Blackjack With Joey Porter [Deadspin]

But, alas, no! He's just making the Dolphins a tougher team, according to Greg Cote in The Miami Herald.

The Dolphins are paying Porter big money, nearly starting-quarterback money — $32 million over five years, most of it guaranteed — to do more than make tackles and sacks from his outside linebacker spot. They are buying a player with attitude. A badass. They are buying an athlete who — by association, maybe by osmosis — might inspire teammates to be more emotional on the volatile side, and make the entire Dolphins brand perceived as tougher, scarier. On Sunday night, they began getting their money's worth.

We are absolutely behind this idea; it is perfectly reasonable that, in the future, NFL players will receive performance bonuses for off-the-field attacks. It's a logical extension of what's already happening. No wonder the Bengals were over the salary cap!

Joey Being Joey [Chicks Dig The Long Ball]
We'd Recommend Not Playing Blackjack With Joey Porter [Deadspin]

A fist fight between two NFL players broke out in the Palms casino on Sunday night, sources said. Joey Porter, an All-Pro linebacker who recently left the Pittsburgh Steelers to join the Miami Dolphins, brawled with Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones, at about 6 p.m. at a blackjack table in the casino. Jones, who suffered scratches, told Las Vegas police he would be filing charges against Porter. Sources said there has been bad blood between the two.

This was about 14 hours ago, so expect more details to filter out in the next few hours. We imagine Levi splitting when Porter wanted him to double down, and that just showed a total lack for Joey, and it all went downhill from there. We can't wait until Porter gets to Miami ... if he actually makes it.

Breaking: Joey Porter Brawls With Bengals Lineman Levi Jones In Las Vegas [The Big Lead]

We can't quite make out every word that he says, but ... well, we don't think it sounds good. We're not up on our local vernacular, but we think we made out the word "coon." And we're also not sure what nationality/dialect Saban is trying to impersonate there either. But then again, we're not from the South, and this could all be perfectly normal. If rather bizarre.

Anyway, here's the audio. Everybody's having fun!

Nick Saban "Off The Record" Audio [Odeo]

(Pro Football Talk and Every Day Should Be Saturday also has have this.)

(UPDATE: Oh: Coonass! Of course!)

Just to refresh...
Dec. 21: "I'm not going to become the Alabama coach".

Jan. 3: Yes, I am

The Tide Turns [ESPN]
Fish, Tide Waiting on Saban [NYDN]

The offer from Alabama is either a last-ditch attempt to save themselves from the embarrassment of being spurned by their top 19 choices for head coaching position, or Saban is telling Alabama something different than he's telling the media. I don't have any particular interest in Saban or Alabama, but it would amuse me if they got to the point where they said to themselves, "Christ, what's left? Is Kotite available?"

Saban may see $40 million offer [The Decatur Daily]

In a lawsuit that, sadly, didn't spur a whole new permutation of aliases, Ron Mexico's little brother, Marcus "New Mexico" Vick has been sued for $6.3 million by a girl who says she was having sex with him when she was 15. The girl is now 17 and says that Vick came up with a Brand New Seduction Technique of telling her that he loved her so she'd continue to have sex with him. Inventive guy, that Marcus.

The girl involved is the same one Vick was convicted two years ago for "contributing to the delinquency of a minor," though, to be fair, he never pulled a gun on her at a McDonald's, and that's something. He did, however, go double-barrel in another situation, convincing the girl to have sex with him and another man. (At the same time, that is; otherwise, Vick might ... well, let's just stay out of this one.)

Vick is 22 years old now, and, frankly, we're excited to see what this guy can do when he really fulfills his potential. A tantalizer, indeed.

Marcus Vick Is Sued [Richmond Times-Dispatch]