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disgusting rumors
Is Star Jones In Dwyane Wade's Five?
Chances are this isn't even remotely close to being true, but it's so preposterous and gross that it's at least somewhat amusing. The always reliable gossip site Mediatakeout is reporting that Miami Heat's injured forward Dwyane Wade is (blecch) now (plettch) dating (claggh) the saggy old remains of Star Jones (barf). Sports By Brooks is cautiously suspicious of this report, but here's what Mediatakeout has to say about it: More »
heat fever
The Glory Of The Knicks Vs. The Heat
A friend of ours attended the Knicks-Heat game last night — the Knicks won 103-99 in overtime — and emailed us, alarmed; it appeared he had been transported to something quite different than an NBA game. More »
nba closer
Heat Forget How To Score, And The Answer Was In Philly
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's really looking forward to Easter, the day on which Larry Bird returns from the dead to lay multi-colored eggs under a Christmas tree. When he's not wondering whether Larry knows whether he's been naughty or nice, he can be found weaving his Easter basket at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
Let me tell you a story. One of the worst experiences of my life involved eighth grade gym class, a nearly deserted locker room, a group of angry jocks and a helpless nerd who got shoved into a cart full of sweaty towels, dumped into a freezing shower, whipped with jump ropes and then stuffed into a narrow locker where he stayed, cold and alone, until a janitor found him the next morning. I know what you're thinking, but I wasn't that nerd. No, he was my best friend, who was so horribly tormented only because he stood up to those jocks from doing all that to me. While all that was going on, I did exactly as honor demanded and ran away as fast as I could, telling nobody about what had happened. And sure, it took his body six weeks, a major knee reconstruction, and several sessions of physical therapy to heal, but he recovered. My guilt and shame, however, will last a lifetime. What's the point of that story? I'm trying to give you some small sense of the embarrassment the Miami Heat must feel after following up their 12th victory of the season by scoring 54 points...for an entire game. It was the third-lowest point total of the shot-clock era, surpassing only the 53 points scored by Denver against Detroit in November of 2002 and the 49 points Chicago scored against Miami in April of 1999. The Heat - who are without Dwyane Wade (left knee), Udonis Haslem (left ankle), Shawn Marion (sore back), Jason Williams (jammed right thumb), and Marcus Banks (right hamstring) - dressed only seven players, and Ricky Davis was one of them. Yeah. In case you were wondering, the final score was 96-55, Raptors. Chris Bosh showed up to work after missing 10 games with a sore right knee; he had 8 points and 8 rebounds.
nba closer
Kobe Won't Stop Looking At DWade
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who freaking slept through the Mavs/Spurs game but then woke up for the Heat/Lakers game and therefore wants you to please, please kill him. When he isn't begging for death, he can be found seeking it out at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• Tim Duncan + Doing Everything = Success. Gregg Popovich stunned the basketball world last night by revealing his complex and intricate formula for winning games: Tim Duncan. "Offense, the ball goes through him. On defense, he's our defender, our rebounder. At home he's our wife. On the road, he's a classy and well-paid prostitute. He's just really special. We don't get anything done without him." Speaking of stunning, Dallas coach Avery Johnson benched Jason Kidd — the point guard and playmaker for whom the team traded away its very future — for the final 30 seconds, then watched Dirk Nowitzki choke down a couple jumpers and Jason Terry get his shot blocked by Bruce Bowen in the closing seconds. Game over: San Antonio 97, Dallas 94. After the game, Kidd tried to pretend he was all okay with it. "They've been together down the stretch. I understand what play they're looking for, so I'm over here cheering for my guys to knock down a two or three." Yeah, we'll see how long he keeps cheering if Avery continues to leave him on the bench during crunch time. The Mavs actually had a 10-point lead with 3:44 to go in the third quarter, then watched it disappear thanks to a 13-1 Spurs run that included two technical fouls called on Avery and Terry. Dallas needs to patent the fourth quarter collapse, they really do. Tim Duncan backboned the Spurs with 31 and 15. Dallas got 28 points from Dirk and 10 assists from Kidd.
nba closer
Pat Riley Feels Like A Mosquito In A Nudist Colony. Seriously
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who loves zombie movies and is really ticked off that Diary of the Dead came out in a limited release. Oh well. Hopefully World War Z will come out some time in the next year. Anyway, when he isn't obsessing over flesh-eating ghouls, he can be found feasting on basketball's heart and soul at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• Well, that took only 54 games. The Miami Heat finally broke the 10-win barrier - not to mention an 11-game losing streak - with a 107-86 victory over the Sacramento Kings, and the long-awaited win has Pat Riley feeling...a little wacky. "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony," Riley said. "I know what to do. I just don't know where to start." Ooookay. Let's just hope that whatever happened in the Heat locker room after the game stays in the Heat locker room. [/shudders] Shawn Marion throttled the Kings about the head and neck with 24 points on 10-for-14 shooting and Dwyane Wade had 15 points, 9 assists, and a rush of sweet, sweet relief. Meanwhile, Sacramento coach Reggie Theus was left to contemplate how his squad - who scored 11 points on 2-for-20 shooting in the third quarter - got their butts handed to them by the league's worst team. "That probably is about the worst we've played all year," Theus said. He's not wrong.
shaq trade
It's pretty rare, in this sports world we all love, fear and hold dear, to find something that everyone agrees on. Unanimity of opinion is non-existent; we sometimes wonder if you held a poll saying, "Would you like to be punched in the face right now?" the margin would still have at least 0.001 percent who would say, "Hey, yeah, sure, hit me." People think differently. But it's pretty difficult, to say the least, who understands what the heck the Suns are thinking trading for Shaq. More »
Trying To Figure Out That Crazy Shaq-Suns Trade
It's pretty rare, in this sports world we all love, fear and hold dear, to find something that everyone agrees on. Unanimity of opinion is non-existent; we sometimes wonder if you held a poll saying, "Would you like to be punched in the face right now?" the margin would still have at least 0.001 percent who would say, "Hey, yeah, sure, hit me." People think differently. But it's pretty difficult, to say the least, who understands what the heck the Suns are thinking trading for Shaq. More »
nba closer
Mr. T Pities Fools, Miami Heat
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he's not admiring this Rik Smits wallpaper, he can be found country line dancing at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• At least he's in Barkley's Fave Five now. You might be tempted to think that nobody in the sports world could possibly feel any worse right now than the New England Patriots and their fans. Well, here are two words that can totally prove you wrong: Dwyane Wade. Pookie's team suffered their largest defeat of the season - and that's really saying something - a 114-82 home loss to the Toronto Raptors. The Heat were strung up, stuffed with sorrow and beaten like a woeful piñata. The mighty dinos, who shot almost 60 percent as a team, got 24 points from former National Honor Society Member Chris Bosh and 22 from the formerly deceased Andrea Bargnani. Dorrell Wright led the Heat with 17 points and 8 rebounds, while Wade had 12 points, 4 assists, and countless regrets. Mr. T, the internationally renowned pity expert, had this to say after the game: "I've pitied me a lot of fools over the years. But damn, I really pity these fools."
nba closer
Heat Keep On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping ...
The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or hiding in suitcases, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.
• 15 Wrong! Stand up, AP sports writer Tim Reynolds. Stand. Up. Two years ago, the Miami Heat were dubbed "15 Strong" on their way to the NBA championship. These days, it's more like "15 Wrong" — and counting. Man, dude must pull mad pussy with lines like that. Well done. Tim Duncan scored 30 points and brought the Spurs back from a 10-point second-half deficit to beat the Heat 90-89. It was Miami's 15th straight loss, two shy of matching The Spin Doctor years.
More »
nba closer
51.8 Gigawatts!?
After a loss to the Atlanta Hawks, Udonis Haslem looked at a picture of his family and saw his siblings fading out of focus. He had no choice but to set things right and change the past. See, back on December 18 against the Atlanta Hawks, a last-minute foul that should have gone to Haslem instead was attributed to Shaquille O'Neal. Thusly Shaq got a sixth foul prematurely, and had to make like a tree and sit down for the rest of the game. More »
nba closer
How Do You Like 'Dem Apples, Riley?
My Christmas holiday summed up in five words or less: Clementines, Toblerones and beer. No joke. A million thanks to Alphonso Jackson, Nancy K. Kopp and, of course, Rick Chandler for filling in while I was gone. Your 'Body Shop' gift certificates are in the mail. Now, on to the NBA Closer!
• By The Moon And The Stars And The Sky. I swear, every Saturday "NBA Closer" I write includes a picture of Dwight Howard dunking, some ridiculous stat-line and a Magic victory. Seriously. Howard had 29 points and 21 rebounds and Turkoglu capped a 22-point night with a huge 3-pointer with 11 seconds left as the Magic survived a career high 48 from Wade to beat the Heat 121-114 in OT. The win marked Stan Van Gundy's first return to South Florida since his — monster finger quotes here — "abrupt resignation" two years ago.
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nba closer
Pretend It's A Playoff Game, And The Heat Are Suddenly Good Again
Let's see if I got this right. The Miami Heat are still supposed to be good because Shaquille O'Neal is still tall, Dwyane Wade is still making commercials, and Pat Riley's hair gel also doubles as a love potion, or so claimed the highly motivated salesman and his cardboard kiosk. But even after Wade's amazing game-winning shot as time expired, the Heat are a piddly 8-19 this season. Which is only, I think, fifth in the Eastern Conference. More »
nba closer
Heat Check, Heat Rising, Etc., Etc.
The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Enjoy! More »
nba closer
When Life Imitates Art
The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Enjoy!
• Do It Again! Do It Again! Dwyane Wade had 35 points and 10 assists to lead the Heat past the Clippers 100-94 Sunday afternoon. The win snapped Miami's five-game slide and gave coach Pat Riley his 1,200th career victory. Riles is the third NBA coach to reach 1,200 wins, and got to the mark in just his 1,842nd game, faster than any other coach. Similar to his Gatorade commercial, D-Wade ended the first-half scoring with a vicious dunk over a very large white man. Unfortunately for Paul Davis' wallet, it was Chris Kaman's turn.
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smush parker
Smush Parker Has Had It Up To Here With Hidden Fees
If Smush Parker wasn't your favorite player in the NBA before this week — and dammit, he should have been! — he certainly is making a plea for your heart now. More »
nba closer
A Little Left In The Big Tank
• Some Country For Old Men. I have no idea which Heat scrub cranked up Shaquille O'Neal last night — Chris Quinn maybe? — but whoever it was sure had that sucker wound tight. The Big Everything had season highs of 26 points and 14 rebounds, his best game in what feels like years, as the Heat handed the Rockets their sixth straight loss, 98-91. Wade finished with a season high 31 points, too. "Guys were getting me the ball in a position where I can do something," Shaq said. "It was a good game for us, a must win." Man, if only the Heat played Yao and the Rockets every night. More »
nba closer
Heat Find A Way To Suck Even In Victory
The Miami Heat hadn't won a game since April 13, and that includes this preseason. So when Jason Williams hit a jumper wirg 19 seconds remaining in the game to give them 75 points, it looked like another loss; the sixth straight of the regularseason. But no! The Knicks — God bless 'em — onloy scored 72, to the Heat are your winners on Sunday, folks! Dwyane Wade is still out due to injury and Zach Randolph missed the game due to his grandmother's death, so both teams were missing their top players. Much ineptitude ensued. New York shot 37 percent and had 18 turnovers. Miami is averaging 84.5 points per game; worst in the league. The Heat scored 25 points in the first quarter, then had just 27 combined over the next two. More »
holy matrimony
