Miami Marlins Owner's Insane Book About Peanuts Will Melt Your Brain

When we speak of spring and baseball, we speak of renewal. New shoots of grass, possibility, the warm rays in Florida. We rarely mention the game's antipodal force that dwells there too, a darkness that consumes joy—its unblinking saurian eyes unevolved for 37 million years, unregenerate in its predation on all hope.… » 4/03/14 1:17pm 4/03/14 1:17pm

Jose Fernandez Grounds Out Weakly; Mom And Grandma Laugh At Him

Jose Fernandez is your Marlins Opening Day starter. He's a great, young pitcher who, according to Eduardo Perez, also thinks he's a great, young hitter. Perez said during the broadcast that he considers himself a cleanup hitter. So far, through four scoreless innings against the Rockies, he's given up four hits and… » 3/31/14 8:39pm 3/31/14 8:39pm

The Ravenously Shameless Pastel Brutality Of The Miami Marlins

The following was originally published in the 2014 edition of Baseball Prospectus. In a departure from established practice, this year's edition features contributions from a wide array of outside writers, who came through with a series of essays that shows off the full stylistic diversity of contemporary baseball… » 1/30/14 1:24pm 1/30/14 1:24pm

Jose Fernandez's Surprise Reunion With His Grandmother Is Heartwarming

At the risk of sounding like a sentimental sap, this is definitely the coolest thing you will see today. Marlins superstar pitcher Jose Fernandez hasn't seen his grandmother since he defected from Cuba at the age of 15. So the Marlins decided to sit him down for an interview, ask him to talk about how much he loves his … » 11/14/13 9:42am 11/14/13 9:42am

Disgusting Rich Person Jeffrey Loria Sold A Painting For $32.6 Million

When Jeffrey Loria isn't busy running the Marlins into the ground, he's wheeling and dealing in the art world. On Monday, he sold a (lovely!) portrait by Alberto Giacometti for $32.6 million at a New York art auction. That puts the painting's value just $7 million shy of the current payroll of the Miami Marlins. » 11/06/13 5:20pm 11/06/13 5:20pm

The Marlins Put The Wrong Date On Their Dumb, Fake No-Hitter Tickets

Well, stupid begets stupid. The Marlins have been selling the 9,100 unused tickets to Henderson Alvarez's walk-off no-hitter in the season finale. Dumb, but not unbearably so. Until they fucked up the date on the print-out tickets. » 10/01/13 11:29am 10/01/13 11:29am

The Marlins Are Selling Tickets To Henderson Alvarez's No-Hitter

Sunday's season finale was actually the fourth-best attended game of the year at Marlins Park. An announced crowd of 28,315 watched Henderson Alvarez complete a bizarre no-hitter that ended with him in the on-deck circle. Though the season is over, that game might turn out to be the Marlins' only sellout of the year. » 9/30/13 3:03pm 9/30/13 3:03pm

Blown Calls Don't Get More Blown Than Bucknor Robbing Yelich

The Marlins tonight won their 59th game of the season, over the Phillies, no thanks to this call at first by umpire CB Bucknor. If this weren't a senioritis game between two also-rans, it would definitely go down as one of the biggest botched calls in recent memory. Heck, this was a meaningless game in the last week of … » 9/25/13 10:34pm 9/25/13 10:34pm

Jonathan Vilma Sues Marlins For Allegedly Ruining His Barbecue Stand

Baseball season's almost over, so we've got precious few chances left to make fun of the Miami Marlins organization before it disappears from our consciousness for the winter. What are the Marlins up to today? Oh nothing, just getting countersued by NFL linebacker Jonathan Vilma for allegedly fucking up his barbecue… » 9/06/13 12:20pm 9/06/13 12:20pm