Sports Business Journal takes a look at some of the other new shows in the pipeline, like "Shaq Vs.", and wonders why they're being made in the first place. The T.O. Show got more buzz than just about any mid-summer replacement could get and it wound up tied with a re-run of "Fresh Prince" for the 798th-highest-rated cable show of the week. Man, I would hate to see what 799 was.

These shows get some of the worst ratings imaginable and critics won't even be bothered to tell you how terrible they are. (The only one that seems to get any traction at all is "Hard Knocks.") Yet, networks executives can't wait to make more, because they are incredibly cheap to produce and don't require turning no-talent hairdos like Spencer and Heidi into celebrities. At least Warren Sapp used to be able to tackle people.

In other words, you get what you pay for and ... say it with me ... "in this economy" what else can you expect? But why do sports reality shows do so poorly in the first place. They appear to have a ready-made audience of devoted, talkative, spend-happy observers? (i.e., you guys.) Maybe it's because sports fans already have a huge slate of reality shows on their TV watching schedule. It's called "sports."

Low cost, not ratings power, keeps sports reality pipeline full [Sports Business Journal]

Irvin gave Behm's wife a check for $40,000 dollars last night after taking up a collection from the guests at his party. The money will help with Behm's medical and other assorted expenses as he tries to put his life back together. He'll still be in the hospital for a few more weeks, but plans to return his job with the Cowboys and the wife even believes that Rich will walk again. So that's kind of a nice story for a guy who could sure use some good news.

And if all the media stories happen to mention that the party was for the premiere of Irvin's hot new reality show "4th and Long" (Mondays at 10 p.m. on Spike TV! Be there!) well, that's just gravy.

Michael Irvin does the right thing [Examiner]

Recently we told you about Irvin's reality show, which, come to think of it, begins production suspiciously close to his totally faked terrifying run-in with an armed gunman on a Dallas street.

Well, they're looking for 12 people who will be led through a series of drills by Irvin; the winner getting a spot on the Cowboys training camp roster. That's the premise of the show. From Got Cast.com:

Looking for elite football athletes whose careers ended on terms other than their own. Did family, friends, finances or an injury prevent you from achieving your lifelong goal of becoming a pro football player? Kurt Warner was bagging groceries before he became a two-time league MVP and Super Bowl Champion. Vince Papale was tending bar before he walked on the Philadelphia Eagles. Could you be the next professional football player to come out of nowhere?

This is a REAL opportunity to make a lifelong dream a reality.

And don't worry, there's a fall-back. If you don't make it, there's always Snoopy, the Musical.

Unititled Football Project [Got Cast]

Thanks to Spike TV and a lack of common sense, The Playmaker is getting his own reality show. Think "The Apprentice" meets "The Contender" meets "The Biggest Loser." Twelve very annoying (that's given, right?) "football neophytes" will be led through a series of (hopefully) embarrassing drills and challenges and will be judged by Irvin and a rotating cast of Dallas guest stars. The one left standing at the end gets a spot on the Cowboys training camp roster, a incredibly valuable and rewarding position from which they will almost certainly be cut at the first opportunity.

The producers will choose six wide receivers and six defensive backs, thereby ensuring that the cast will be filled with dangerously unstable egomaniacs who are desperate for attention and easily wounded by criticism. (Just like any good reality show.) The title and exact format are still undecided, but challenges may include interacting with law enforcement, binge drinking, and talking your way out of armed robberies.

Oh yeah ... I like this idea.

Irvin hosting reality TV show to win roster spot on Cowboys [AP/NFL]

Irvin's alleged encounter with a pair of would-be robbers while parked at a stop sign in North Dallas is being treated with the utmost reverence just about everywhere. If Irvin's not a hero, he's close to it. But excuse me for fishing a couple of flies out of this punch bowl. To wit: Irvin didn't report the incident until the following day, more than 24 hours after Monday's supposed confrontation. And he reported it by flagging down a police car. What?

From The Smoking Gun, which pulled the police report:

Strangely, though the incident reportedly happened Monday evening, Irvin did not contact cops until 5:51 PM Tuesday afternoon, according to Corporal Kevin Janse, a Dallas Police spokesman. Janse told TSG that Irvin "flagged down" a cop, but he did not know where that occurred.

Additionally, though Irvin told reporters today that he carried on a conversation with the suspects for several minutes (topics included the Cowboys and the NFL playoffs) before the would-be assailants sped off, the police report does not reflect that banter. After interviewing Irvin, police wrote in their report that when one suspect recognized him and called out his name, "suspect two put down the gun and the suspects drove away."

Now add this morsel: Irvin didn't even file the police report until after talking about the incident on his radio show on ESPN radio 103.3 in Dallas. That's where we get this rather remarkable, head-scratching quote:

On whether he filed a police report, Michael says, "I did not. I did not. I did not file a police report. I didn't want to make much of a story out of it outside of sharing it on the radio, but I will tell you this and I said it on the air: They were in a black pickup truck. I know a lot of people drive black pickup trucks but it's the only warning I can give and I didn't get a license plate, so I feel bad about that."

Yes, he did not want to make a big deal out of it besides agreeing to every interview he could jam into Wednesday's news cycle. Here you see him with a starry-eyed Ellen Goldberg of KXAS in Dallas, where Irvin repeated the part about not being able to ID the assailants' truck.

"He put [the gun] away because he recognized me and said 'Hey, Mike Irvin! Wassup Mike Irvin, man. We're big Cowboy fans!' I can't help feeling like a coward. Even when he sped off I still did not get that license plate."

Goldberg, during her intro: "Known as The Playmaker, Irvin knew that his next play may be his most important one yet."

Well, that part of it is true. Bumped from ESPN's Bristol showcase and consigned to drive-time radio, wouldn't it behoove Irvin to get his name back in lights? How could this story not be considered with just a pinch of skepticism? They're even talking about that at his own station. From 103.3, home of the Michael Irvin Show:

1100 - Kevin opens the show saying his television viewing was interrupted by the local news leading their show with Michael Irvin almost getting car-jacked! This morning reports come out that maybe it was a "hoax". Who would lie about having a gun pulled on them?

Not sure of the exact nature of those "reports," but the fact that they even mentioned it is telling. Meanwhile, commenters on the Cowboys Blog at the Dallas Morning News greeted the story with warmth and compassion:

• Yeah okay. THIS is believeable. WHO sits there and has a friendly chat with a bunch of thugs who have just put away their semi-automatic which they just threatened you with? Give me a freaking break. Michael needs another 15 minutes of fame to boost his ratings. — doubtful @ 9:44 AM Wed, Jan 14, 2009

• If you believe Irvin's BS story, I got swampland in Arizona going for a nickel an acre with a view of golden Gate bridge. Remember pipe found in Irvin's car...it's my brothers...brother said ain't mine...story got changed to a man who is like a BROTHER to me. Test is Irvin lying? are his lips moving? YES, then he is lying. — Irvin is a LIAR @ 9:44 AM Wed, Jan 14, 2009

• Boy, Pacman is really getting desperate these days... — Truth @ 9:37 AM Wed, Jan 14, 2009

UPDATE: Just received an email from Bob Sturm, radio sports host at The Ticket 1310 in Dallas:

The biggest question to me is how did the incident end? Did they have a discussion about the Cowboys, have him sign their guns, and then drive away? And, Mike did not think to get a license number or anything? What a boring life I must live that I have never talked Cowboys while someone points a gun at me. — Bob

Old Cowboy Avoids Gunfight [The Smoking Gun]

Michael Irvin And A Pointed Gun (At Him) [Dallas Morning News]

Irvin was stopped at a red light in North Dallas about 9:30 p.m. when the man in the car next to him motioned for him to roll down his window, When Irvin did, the man pointed a handgun at him. Then things got weird.

“The passenger pulled out a semiautomatic and I knew what time it was,” Irvin said. “But he said ‘Oh, that’s Michael Irvin, with the Dallas Cowboys.’.” Despite being scared, Irvin said he tried to keep the conversation going. “So we started talking about the Cowboys and everything,” he said. “Then they got back on the highway.” “I tell you what, I’m glad he was a Cowboy fan,” Irvin said.

I wonder if they discussed ties?

This all makes me realize that, despite his frequent asshattery, I kind of miss Michael Irvin. And I suspect that you do too.

Motorist Points Gun At Ex-Cowboy Irvin, Police Say [Dallas Morning News]
Michael Irvin Has The Gift Of Gab [Lewp's Weblog]

Courtesy of MDS at Fanhouse, here's the transcription:

What a historical moment that was last night. ... From an African-American standpoint, I watched my people — watched my people — celebrate the not guilty verdict of O.J. Simpson. They were so hungry for a victory of some kind that they celebrated — we celebrated — the verdict of O.J. And I was thinking to myself, 'Two people are dead. Two people are dead' Now, I'm not talking about my people, I'm explaining them here. They were just so hungry to say 'We have a victory.' And I cringe when I even think about that.

"But last night I watched a celebration. A real celebration. A real celebration, and it was a celebration for everybody, and everybody celebrated, and they kept showing this shot, and I was watching, of this little black girl and this little white girl, just sitting there crying together, and I thought, wow. I thought about Martin Luther King and his 'I Have a Dream' speech, and I thought about him saying, black kids and white kids playing together. ...

"Last night we removed all differences and became just one, and I thought that was a beautiful thing. It was just a beautiful thing. I stood here with my kids, we watched it and we cried and we prayed."

Jesus. Didn't see that coming at all. But MDS traces Irvin's public-speaking rebirth back to his 2007 Hall of Fame induction speech, where the former drug-addled, hooker-loving, neck-stabbing bad boy of the late 90's began to morph into an "articulate, passionate and stirring speaker." Jon Favreau's job might be in jeopardy.

Oh, and what did that other quote-happy Cowboys receiver have to say about this historic moment?

"Very emotional and historical moment. There was a change and hopefully that can trickle on down to our season."

That's more like it.

*******

Tomorrow's a new day and all that. Enjoy yourselves tonight, but don't draw penises on anybody. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. SKEETS the dream.

Irvin, whose articulateness hovers just a shade above Emmit Smith's indecipherable verbal stylings, was seemingly just handed the job by NFL Network Executive Producer Eric Weinberger. When asked by Dallas Morning News writer Barry Horn if this latest stint was a possible audition for full-time work at the Network, Weinberger said, "Michael doesn't need to audition for anyone. We all know he's one of the most charismatic and hard-working talents out there."

We do?

Media Power Rankings [SI]
Hot Air: WNBA Brawl Attracts Attention But What About Viewers [Dallas Morning News]

Shawn Vandergrift filed a lawsuit Monday against Irvin in Denton County, claiming that the former player yelled at him and grabbed him during a December dispute over a final payment for the construction work. The suit claims that Vandergrift is permanently disabled by a hip condition and that he required medical attention as a result of being grabbed on the left arm during the confrontation.

As much as this surprises even us, we must side with Irvin on this one; sounds like he, at worst, grabbed the guy on the arm. (What does the hip condition have to do with anything again?) But this whole thing sounds like a front to us. "Contractor." "Payment." "Vandergrift." This is all about crack.

Michael Irvin Accused Of Assault [KHOU]

As The Mighty MJD mentioned yesterday, it's official: Michael Irvin is out at ESPN. We're not sure what more we can say about this; we're so sad to see him go, even if the beleaguered closed captioning typists over there don't feel the same way.

Consider this our open thread to say goodbye, to share our favorite Irvin on ESPN moments. Nothing can quite beat the Tom Jackson, "Are you retarded?" moment ... but there are so many to choose from.

Requiem For The Playmaker [Deadspin]

Irvin says he wanted to spend more time on his, um, film career, and that ESPN didn't want him to. ESPN spokesman Bill Hoffheimer says the network wasn't at all displeased with Michael Irvin. Both sides are quick to point out that the departure has nothing to do with any standards of moral conduct. I'll understand if you choose not to believe that.

I realize that I'm about the only one on the planet, but I liked Michael Irvin in his role on ESPN. Without him, it's going to seem a little bit like a library on the Countdown set. At the very least, he got people riled up a little bit.

But now, he'll have all the time in the world to pursue a film career. His credits so far include The Longest Yard, a movie in which they cast virtually every football player with a passing interest, and... that's about it. Whatever makes him happy, I suppose, but that seems a little bit like Chris Berman leaving ESPN to pursue a career as a jockey.

Irvin not returning to ESPN [CowboysPlus]
Michael Irvin [IMDB]

One industry source believes the decision has already been made, and that some at the network view the outspoken Irvin as a ticking time bomb, ready to explode into a public-relations nightmare.

ESPN did not confirm or deny the report, but issued a statement, saying: "We are currently in the process of discussing studio assignments for next season."

As incomprehensible and insane as Irvin might be on television, we have to admit, we would kind of miss him. Possible replacement Bill Parcells just doesn't have near as much fun with ties. Or cocaine, for that matter.

Mikey Irvin Might Already Be Fired [Awful Announcing]

Here's the Michael Irvin speech that I promised earlier ... just a few highlights that could be considered ironic, but for the most part, it's actually quite endearing. It's a heartfelt speech, and, to the best of my knowledge, the first time that Bishop T.D. Jakes was mentioned at a Pro Football Hall of Fame press conference.

For whatever the reason, this seems to have meant more to Michael Irvin than it did any of the other guys. Probably because they know they can't celebrate it quite like Irvin can.

But with all due respect to everyone else on that list, let's just focus on Irvin. I'm sure the rest of them are all fine people and players, but none of them have the potential to actually impact Super Bowl Week like Irvin can. The city of Miami is in danger right now. Tonight, wherever the Playmaker goes, hell will be raised, and poontang will be plowed. And if it has to be Cloris Leachman, then it has to be Cloris Leachman.

So congratulations, Mike. And congratulations, women of Miami.

(UPDATE: I'm working on getting video of Irvin's speech at the HOF press conference... coming soon.)

Pro Football Hall of Fame

Deadspin "correspondent" AJ Daulerio is filing dispatches from the Super Bowl all week. Last night, he hit the motherlode. This is the second of his three tales from a crazed night.

When we first arrived at The Clevelander, we were told by the helpful bartender that Michael Irvin was upstairs. He said we could go right on up, plenty of people up there, you should have no problem. My attorney's face lit up. Cane lovers, you know? But as we came to the upstairs portion we were greeted by the same velvet rope New York City night club agenda:

"Private party, guys."

Not surprising. With the mustache, sweat shirt jacket, $4 H & M polo and my attorney Lt. Winslow in a BoSox hat, we weren't going to get into a Fat Tuesday's Happy Hour, let alone a Private Party with Michael Irvin. Winslow was crestfallen. This was, according to him, the man who got him into Miami Hurricanes football. "He's the PLAYMAKER", he screamed. He clutched two hands over his hat and wore an expression like he'd just found out one of his friends got murdered. I felt that I had failed him and all of humanity at that point. My lawyer should meet his idol.

Fortunately, colleagues were abound. Colleagues who knew the bouncers from San Diego. Colleagues who love Deadspin. One conversation and a handshake later, we were past the velvet rope, and headed upstairs to the Clevelander. Lt. Winslow was about to meet his idol.

(more after the jump)

The above picture shows what the downstairs Clevelander dance floor looked like. So, our attire was plenty reasonable, and somewhat classy, comparatively speaking. But now were headed upstairs. To Irvin's lair. As soon as we got in there, Winslow spotted Irvin huddling in the corner, his gynormous bodyguard keeping a close eye on those who tried to approach him. Winslow, bursting, walks over to him.

He shakes his hand and tells him " I FUCKING BLEED ORANGE & GREEN!! WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO CORAL GABLES TO HELP GET THIS OFFENSE BACK ON TRACK?" Winslow said Irvin was polite enough, but clearly wanted "no fucking part of him." Nevertheless, Winslow assures me that he's content. He buys shots for anyone in the general vicinity: " I JUST MET THE FUCKINGPLAYMAKER HIMSELF!!!!!!". After a few more shots, Winslow heads back over to Irvin and tells him "YOU ARE THE REASON I BECAME A CANES FAN IN THE FIRST PLACE."

We leave The Clevelander, Winslow is still spinning, and as we are walking down the sidewalk, we just happen to be right behind Irvin and his bodyguard, and two other guys— both about 5'3 Italian guys — walking with him. The one little guy says to Irvin. "We really have to get some pussy." Irvin starts to strut, pops open his cellphone and says "I'm about to get me some right now." The entourage high fives.

As Irvin is strutting ahead of them on the phone, a hot ass girl is walking towards us. Irvin stops, in the middle of the sidewalk, to ogle her the way every other black guy does when a marginally hot female comes within three feet of them. Irvin purses his lips: "Woooooooooooooo!"

She blows right by him. She doesn't recognize him. Winslow is stunned. "SHE JUST BLEW OFF THE PLAYMAKER!"

But Winslow spent the rest of the night in a daze, floating, not even thinking about his 8 a.m. court date.

The last installment: Stuart Scott, Alex Brown and one hot text message.

If you're not familiar with the show (and I'm guessing a great many of you aren't), it's a (reality?) show that pits average "Joes" against former professional athletes in their games of choice. For example, in this upcoming season, I'd guess that the Joes will have to cover Michael Irvin on a deep route, defend Tim Hardaway's crossover, fight Randy Couture, slap Jose Canseco's girlfriend, steal Rik Smits' wooden shoes, and proclaim their heterosexuality while Kordell Stewart insists that they're gay.

The complete list of participating pros: Michael Irvin, Jose Canseco, Kevin Willis, Randy Couture, Kordell Stewart, Claude Lemieux, Will Clark, Tim Hardaway, Eric Dickerson, Roy Jones Jr., Vince Coleman, Andre Rison, Rik Smits, Robbie Ginepri, Rob Dibble, Dave Winfield, Wade Boggs, Marc Jackson, John Starks, Andre Reed, Darryl Strawberry, Spud Webb, Grant Fuhr, and Tom Chambers. Wow. It's like the sports version of Hollywood Squares.

Pros vs. Joes [SpikeTV]

This picture isn't particularly salacious, or telling, or anything else, but a commenter applicant sent it to us, and any time we've got Michael Irvin and a bloated, sweaty Berman surrounded by women, well, we're contractually obligated to run it. We gotta start reading the fine print.

The blog Steroid Nation takes a look at Irvin's behavior and thinks he fits into the study right well.

It is clear now. The 'Playmaker,' with a heavily football-pummeled pre-frontal cortex, is really a swooning lover. His need for lust love is responsive to cocaine a dopamine agent. While bathing his dopamine neurons in white powder neuroactive chemicals, testosterone is released, causing an increase in hanging with strippers an "indiscriminate scramble for physical gratification." Upside your head Serious mental health consequences can ensue if such gratification is denied.

Makes sense to us!

Science Solves Riddle Of Michael Irvin's Brain [Steroid Nation]
The Pathology Of Love [American Chronicle]

God bless Michael Irvin. The enigmatic former wideout's latest comments on Dan Patrick's radio show about Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo were just mindblowing. Alluding that Romo's scampering ability was the result of his great grandmother having sex with a slave? Brilliant.

Irvin, of course, apologized for his comments, saying he was just brining "a little bit of the locker room talk" to his interview and that this is how he talks to Romo when they play basketball together. Fantastic save! But the best blowback from the whole incident so far was ESPN's lilly-white ombudsman George Solomon being forced to, er, ombud the situation in his most recent column.

In a discussion of Romo's athletic ability, Irvin, a former Cowboys wide receiver and a regular on ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown, said the quarterback's skills would have had to come from African-American heritage. Romo is white. Irvin told Michael McCarthy of USA Today he was "joking" when suggesting that Romo's distant grandmother "must have pulled a brother out the barn and got down to business" to produce an athlete of Romo's ability.

I'm surprised his whole column wasn't done in smart quotes. You can practically smell the wincing. Solomon loosely compares the incident to Jimmy The Greek's famous racial no-no 20 years ago and goes on to say that Irvin's apology wasn't sufficient. He half-heartedly suggests that The Leader should have punished Irvin a little more if it wants to maintain some kind of ethical standard for all of its commentators. Because, you know, 50 years ago Irvin would've been hanging upside down with a fucking fork up his ass for saying things like that. At least that's what I heard.

But Irvin's remarks got me thinking about the racial make up of the NFL and who else in the league could share Tony Romo's remarkable slow-twitch fibre muscles. Not so many, it turns out. But there are a few.

So for this column, I'm putting on my FUBU sweatshirt, popping in 3rd Bass's "The Cactus Album" and I'm placing odds on the other white NFL players that could be accused of having sexually promiscuous great grandparents who possibly liked to have Mandingo-like humping in the back of a barn.

Flex your over-developed calves with me, and jump.

——————————————————-

Matt Jones: 3/1

Every time the guy takes off his helmet, he's obviously white. He looks more like the lead singer of Nickelback than a wide receiver. But there's something sneakily graceful about him, like that Savion Glover guy that always tap dances all the movie soundtracks at the Academy Awards ceremonies. Plus, Matt Jones was a quarterback in college at Arkansas, played basketball and was given the vague "athlete" tag when he went through the NFL combine. You know what that means: He performs poorly on standardized tests.

Scott Fujita: 4/1

Fujita was put up for adoption at birth and stated he has "no idea who his real parents are." Obviously Fujita's athletic ability didn't come from his adoptive parents, who are Japanese, and raised him in ninja-like seclusion. And he's much too quick for a linebacker to be 100 percent caucasian — there isn't a white linebacker in the league who can handle the screen pass or outside running plays any better.

Dan Koppen: 3/1

Here's a fella born in Iowa that obviously hasn't missed a big country meal in a while. And at first glance, one wouldn't think that Koppen could possibly have any traces of African ancestry. But don't' be fooled: This is a man who came in second place in 2005's NFL Bigman Dance Competition. If Koppen lost 150 pounds, he'd be Usher.

Joe Andruzzi: EVEN

He's wide, he's burly, but he's an Italian raised in Brooklyn. If you trace Andruzzi's northern Italian roots you'll remember way back then, uh, Sicilians were like, uh, wops from Northern Italy. Ah, they all had blonde hair and blue eyes, but, uh, well, then the Moors moved in there, and uh, well, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin' with Sicilian women, huh? That they changed the whole bloodline forever. That's why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin. Tell me I'm lying? Joe Andruzzi is part eggplant.

The rest of our tiny circle of voyeurs and sewer rats already knew about Irvin's "he must have had a slave grandfather" comments about Tony Romo and his supposed white-boy speed, though that didn't help us make much sense out of Irvin's "apology."

"I do want to apologize for those comments," Irvin said. "They were inappropriate and insensitive. My whole thing, what I always try to do, is give people a first-hand knowledge of what it's like in the locker room and how we as players joke around with one another.

"This is how I joke around with Romo when we're playing basketball ... certainly, there's a difference from me the player and me the broadcaster. We may joke around like that in the locker room, and I'm trying to bring them in the locker room."

A few questions. First: Tony Romo and Michael Irvin play basketball? Really? In the middle of the season? Does Parcells know about this? Our real question, though: Why would anyone doubt that the way Irvin was in the interview is exactly the way he is in the locker room? After all, he sounded extremely, you know, stoned.

Irvin Apologizes For Racial Comments [ESPN]
Irvin Latest Analyst To Enter Hot Water [USA Today]
Michael Irvin Has A Theory About Tony Romo's Speed [Deadspin]