The plot: Strahan plays a retired football star named "Michael Trainor," in order to avoid him forgetting his own name on set. Strahan moves to home to be with his parents and his brother, "Chill," (real creative writing there) who is in a wheelchair and also owns a sports bar. As the pilot unfolds we learn that the restaurant is failing and Michael has somehow lost his NFL millions. So now the two brothers are living at home with their parents and if that's not a recipe for hijinks, I don't know what it is.

The comedic possibilities are endless. Cripple jokes! White boy jokes! Gap teeth jokes! Daryl Mitchell is a pretty likable guy and he's actually paralyzed so that's some legitimate diversity. Strahan is surprisingly not terrible as an actor. It has C.C.H. Pounder! Everyone loves her, right? And the dad has certain ROC like qualities about him. Some of the jokes are not actually "jokes," but that never stopped Everybody Loves Raymond.

Fox may be on to something here. CBS cornered the market on bland inoffensive comedy shows, and despite what you hip youngster might say about them, that market is huge. So Fox is answering with an inoffensive black family sitcom, that is not produced by Tyler Perry, and won't scare off old white people. It's like The Cosby Show meets Two and Half Men, without all that racial stuff.

This thing will either last 15 years or be canceled in the first week.

The network announced that they have picked up Brothers, a sitcom slated for next fall's schedule, starring Strahan as (stretch!) a former NFL player who moves in with his parents and Daryl "Chill" Mitchell. (Oh, I guess he's the brother.) It seems his Subway commercials and Emmy-worthy guest spot on Chuck was all it took for the network of Family Guy to cut the check. We are a very lucky country.

Brothers will join a long list of phenomenal award-winning television shows starring and/or about former big time athletes, like Hanging With Mr. Cooper, NCIS, Evening Shade, Mr. Belvedere, The Six-Million Dollar Man, Spencer: For Hire, Magnum, P.I., and that episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Ed "Too Tall" Jones was afraid of heights. (My memory may be a little fuzzy on some of those.) No word yet on whether Jay Glazer will play the wacky, ex-sportswriter neighbor with boundary issues.

Sunday star primed for primetime sitcom [Fox Sports]
Tuned In: Fox builds fall schedule around 'Glee' [Post-Gazette]

According to the Post, Strahan suspected the Murphy lady was stepping out on him so he went and installed one of those fancy tracking devices in her Range Rover to constantly monitor where she was going. The device was discovered by an auto mechanic during a routine check-up, and this apparently precipitated an ugly end to the relationship. And to think they looked so chummy last New Year's.

The Post also says this isn't the first time Strahan used this type of tactic to keep up on his women — his ex-wife alleged in their divorce suit that Strahan tapped her phone. But she's a little nutty, so who knows if that's true or not.

To make matters worse for Strahan, it appears the Murphy Lady was actually seeing someone else. Some hot-shot A & R executive with Universal named Demetrius Spencer. Don't be surprised if Spencer gets an unexpected visit from the Glaze-Dog in the next couple weeks.

(And, yes, there are a lot of boobs on the site today. I assure you this is purely coincidental.)

Michael Strahan Planted Spy Gizmo On Nicole Murphy [NY POST]

Well, they look like they're having fun. I hope the sweat from his bald pate did not ruin her outfit.

Mr. Strahan appears to be not impressed with Jay Glazer's inseam.

This is Mr. Strahan showing off his spatulated hands. Jay Glazer investigates.

Now, now, now — before everybody hops on the obvious slippery connotations of such an endorsement, it appears Strahan's gap-toothed grin isn't going to be on the front of the spooky, gelatinous ointment used for 8-year-olds with chest colds or as a popular sexual lubricant for the Russian bathhouse set. No, this is for "skin care" and is packaged in more salon-friendly black tubes instead of the squat little glass jars most of our parents had in the back of the medicine cabinet for 20 years. (Wait...dad? Oh no!)

Anyway, the ad featured above was splashed across ESPN's front page and, well, could probably use a little more description to it so people don't start believing all of those rumors Strahan's wife lobbed out there during their messy divorce case.

Oh, also endorsing Vaseline For Men? The Fightins' own Chase Utley. Dammit.

Michael Strahan The Face of...Vaseline? [CNBC]

*****

Tonight: Enjoy the live blog bingo party with Matt Sussman and the Furious Five as he attempts to keep up with the touchdown parade unleashed when the Baltimore Ravens meet the Pittsburgh Steelers on Monday Night Football. Joe Flacco could throw for 600 yards tonight.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Got a mosquito problem? Grab some SKEETS.

In pertinent part the appellate court found that the trial court did not make the appropriate fact findings to support raising Strahan's child support from the statutorily prescribed $35,984. In doing so, the trial court cited a seminal law school theory—the three pony rule. Namely, that "no child, no matter how wealthy the parents, needs to be provided [with] more than three ponies." I missed this damn question on the bar exam. I thought it was two ponies.

But why did Jean Strahan need that much money for her twin daughters. Well, thanks to Law.com we can see what she needs to get by:

Those "needs," wrote Appellate Division Judge Lorraine Parker, included the children giving their nanny a 10-day vacation in Jamaica; diamond jewelry for their grandmother; $30,000 yearly for landscaping expenses; $36,000 a year for "equipment and furnishings"; and $3,000 yearly for audio visual equipment. Jean set their clothing needs at $27,000 a year, since the children needed new outfits every time they saw their father and one of them demanded a new purse every time she left the house.

$27k a year for three-year old twins? Right now some poor three-year old future boyfriend/husband is playing in his sandbox and has no idea what a holy hell his adult years are going to be. Grin now, little boy, grin now.

Three Pony Rule invoked to cut former NFL player's monthly 18k child support [Law.com]

Strahan's an obviously smart guy who, like Curt Schilling and Joe Montana, always knew just how to position himself as the hero of every story. Also like Schilling and Montana, at his best, he was amazing. Unlike Schilling and Montana, he was unable to keep his personal life out of the papers. But hey: You want New York, you get New York.

In honor of him, we're rolling over right now so that he might have some sort of blog post record.

Oh, yes, and Dominik Hasek retired too. In case puckheads thought we didn't notice.

We've always been annoyed by the phrase "Canyon of Heroes." Strahan looks happy, though. And honestly: That middle guy, man, those kickers come in all shapes and sizes.

Veteran Michael Strahan came to Romo's defense on Thursday, saying the young heartthrob had every right to go to a Mexico resort with Simpson and other teammates during the Cowboys' recent bye week. "You guys love to say, 'Oh, he is coming off the beach and he is dating Jessica Simpson' — please!" Strahan said during a news conference Thursday after the Giants practiced for Sunday's game against the Cowboys in the NFC semifinal. "Heck, if Jessica Simpson wanted to date me, I may give her a shot," said the recently divorced Strahan.

We're assured that Sunday's game at Dallas will be Simpson free; which is good for everyone involved.

Oh, and here's your Terrell Owens update. Looks like Terrell will be at the dance, girls. He will be there.

Strahan Will Say Yes To Simpson If Romo Doesn't [MSNBC]
Dallas Cowboys' Owens Says He'll Play Vs. Giants [Dallas Morning News]

Anyway, if you're eager to pick through the carnage of a union blasted apart, you can head to Millea Brothers Catalog and pick through the Strahan's discarded detritus room by room. How about a $1,800 table in the kitchen? A $5,000 bed in the nursery. Speaking of beds, you can have the Strahan's candleabras for $600.

All of these items, by the way, scream NFL FOOTBALL PLAYER. Yipes. We'd be tempted by the handsome black man too.

Strahan Auction [Millea Brothers Catalog]

(Photo via Bossip)

Dressed in a yellow work apron, Strahan also hawked her ex-husband's Giants leftovers, including Giants' Pro Bowl bags monogrammed with his name and gloves worn by the football star for $50.

Loyal Giants fan and Montclair resident Jamal Callaway snapped up two Pro Bowl bags at $5 a piece and also left with two televisions — a 32-inch and 20-inch — for $100.

"I get to cheer for Mike on his TV," said Callaway with satisfaction. Asked if the televisions were flat screens, Callaway quipped, "She's not that mad at him."

Also for sale were some "Hooked on Phonics" tapes. I don't know if they were Strahan's, his wife's, or if Dexter Manley lived there for a while.

Bargains from a broken life [The Star Ledger]
Jean Strahan Holds Yard Sale in Order to Make Ends Meet [FanHouse]

I'm a little late with this, but Strahan's lovely ex-missus was awarded $15.3 million in divorce court. She's actually getting more than half his net worth. Court records indicate he's worth about $22 million, and she's getting the $15.3. I don't know what's right or wrong, or who deserves what, but damn. It just hurts to see that happen for a guy.

The NFL should put him on the payroll to tell this story at the rookie symposium every year. He'll start out lecturing calmly about prenuptial agreements and protecting your financial assets... but by the end, he'll be crying and telling the rookies that they should never touch a woman again, because they're just not worth it.

Eddie Murphy tried to warn us all about "half."

$15 Mil Penalty Topples Giant [NY Post]

All right, we'll say it: We absolutely do not believe Michael Strahan when he does anything anymore. Everything the guy does seems so calculated, so media-savvy, so gay dramatic ... well, we just don't buy it anymore. If this guy played in Jacksonville, no one would know about him, or care.

Anyway, his "tirade" yesterday against an ESPN reporter we've never heard of is making all kinds of headlines in New York, because the Giants are collapsing and it's gonna be rather tough for reporters out here to ignore a toothless man screaming at a woman in the locker room.

This rather beautiful photo from The New York Times, which seems to be begging for a Leroy Neiman print, sums up just about everything we think about Strahan. Loud, isolated, confused by the rest of humanity, pampered and, well, rather batshit crazy. We can't say we'll be all that disappointed if the Giants miss the playoffs.

Add Dash Of Strahan And Watch Giants Boil Over [New York Times]

So after witnessing a few hours of Michael Strahan & Ian Smith indulging in their alternative lifestyle of golf, gambling & girls, I can now see why Mrs. Strahan is so angry. Her hubby & his best buddy suck at golf, they can't gamble worth a darn & they only seem to be able to pull in ugly girls... so i guess she is divorcing him cause they just act like standard middle aged married white guys.

The full Vegas gambling story is after the jump. This comes as no surprise to us: Strahan lives in Montclair, N.J., for crying out loud. That's where Dr. Melfi lives, jeez.

——————————————————————————————-
So I was out in Vegas about two years ago for a bachelor party for one of my buddies, when we had the chance to witness Michael & Ian's "alternative lifestyle" in all its glory.

We had just rolled back to Caesar's Palace after a wild night of drunken debauchery all over town. Most of us were still basking in that post-strip club glow (you know, when you still think every woman you see will grind you for 20 bucks), when we decided to sit down for some higher stakes blackjack. After a few quick dealer busts, that inebriated feeling of invincibility started to set in & we are all having one of those great blackjack table moments when everyone is winning, no one can do any wrong & the money is just pouring out of the dealer's tray.

This one hand comes up & the dealer is showing a 4. I've got an 11 in front of me and of course as Vince Vaughn said in Swingers "you gotta double down on an eleven." So I toss another 100 or so in there & hit myself a king for a very nice 21. A few spots down is another guy with an 11, who after a few moments of thinking says he's just gonna hit his 11 (against a four!!!). Before the card can even hit the felt I blurt out "What kinda fuckin idiot doesn't
double down on an eleven!!!" I lean over to find out, Michael Strahan was that idiot.

After the initial fear of him crushing me like that cowboys fan in the old snickers ad wore off, we all ended up having a great time with him, the good doctor Smith & their gaggle of not-so-good-looking-groupies (of course we were all beer googled & still high on stripper perfume, so we still flirted with the girls all night anyway). It seems that the Mike & Ian were on a multi-city west coast golf trip & had just left Arizona where they got crushed over 36 holes by Sir Charles. At one point Strahan even joined us in making fun of our one buddy who wandering the casino floor looking for hookers (only to look, not touch). By the way, watching a 275 pound defensive end make fun of your 120 pound financial analyst friend's drunken escapades is one of the funniest things on the planet.

So after witnessing a few hours of Michael Strahan & Ian Smith indulging in their alternative lifestyle of golf, gambling & girls, I can now see why Mrs. Strahan is so angry. Her hubby & his best buddy suck at golf, they can't gamble worth a darn & they only seem to be able to pull in ugly girls... so i guess she is divorcing him cause
they just act like standard middle aged married white guys.

• The soon-to-be-ex-wife of New York Giants defensive lineman Michael Strahan has accused him of an "alternative lifestyle" with TV doctor Ian Smith, who disputes the claim, saying he's a happily married man. Excuse us? On the down low, hell-LO??!!

• Three New York fire fighters refused to play a gay rugby team after asking for assurances that no one on the team was HIV-positive. To quote a Gotham Knights player: "[The FDNY player] came up and said something like, 'I don't mean to be a jerk, but . . .' and then he asked if we could all confirm that we were not HIV positive." The FDNY ended up forfeiting the game. The Gotham Knights, by the way, were co-founded by Mark Bingham, one of the passengers who rushed the cockpit on United Flight 93 on September 11.

• We feel obliged to point out that the word "fag" is obviously offensive and never to be used in a derogatory fashion. Therefore, we rap Ozzie Guillen on the knuckles for calling Jay Mariotti that yesterday. Frankly, we would have gone with "drag queen;" it's less offensive, and certainly funnier. And probably true, actually.

In Which Ozzie Calls Jay ... [Jay The Joke]
Wife Accuses Strahan Of Gay Affair [OutSports]

(UPDATE: Just thought you might want to muse on this story excerpt, from Guillen defending himself:

"He also said that he has gay friends, goes to WNBA games, went to the Madonna concert and plans to attend the Gay Games in Chicago. 'I called that of this man [Mariotti],'' [Guillen] said. 'I'm not trying to hurt anybody [else].''"

Some commentors made some pretty good points about the inauthenticity, too. You're a clever bunch, Deadspinners.

The entire set-up was a ruse, too. Tom Arnold didn't even write a book. They went all out with this thing. Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and general manager Ernie Accorsi were briefed ahead of time that it would be happening, so they wouldn't flip out.

Well done, Best Damn Sports Show.

Giant scare just a spoof [NorthJersey.com]
Best Damn Sports Show Fight [Deadspin]

So if you missed Friday night's episode of The Best Damn Sports Show (and how could you?), check about the above video. Tom Arnold and Michael Strahan get into kind of a little sissy chair fight. And Michael Strahan did not win. He's on the ground making noises like he's hurt, cursing at Arnold, who's just sitting there, being sorta restrained by Rodney Peete. Strahan sounds like he's in pain. I think Rob Dibble may have actually hurt him.

Now, I have somehow let myself get out of the loop when it comes to the politics and in-fighting on the set of the Best Damn Sports Show. But as a reader tells us, Tom Arnold left the show, he wrote a book published by Harper-Collins, and apparently some guys on the show didn't like what he had to say in the book, and there was some beef.

And yes, I'm aware of the date on today's calendar. There's a very good chance that this was staged. I'll make the case for both. First, the argument that it was real:

• Tom Arnold is shaking and looks visibly upset before the scuffle.
• I tend to doubt that Chris Rose, Rodney Peete, and Michael Strahan are that have that kind of acting capability. I've seen Strahan's Right Guard commercial.
• The show didn't come back on the air afterwards.
• Well, it just looks kinda real.

And now, the case that it was staged:

• It was the day before April Fools, and we all know how zany and madcap these guys can be.
• How does Michael Strahan left himself try to fight Tom Arnold? You set the NFL's single season sack record, and you want a piece of Tom Arnold? Who's next on your list, Paul from the Wonder Years?

I gotta tell ya, at this point, I'm leaning towards real. And I hope I'm right, because think of all the wonderful trash talk that could emerge from this that could be used against Michael Strahan. If you know any offensive linemen that play in the NFC East, please forward them this clip.