It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Mike Piazza Started The Fire

BTW, Mike "I'm not gay" Piazza had Tiger Woods targeted. I'd used a golf term in describing an occasion with a man. We do agree that it is stupid.

Of course it doesn't matter, I just felt like telling somebody, and I picked you. Might wanna go play the lotto...

ME:

You have to spell this out a little more for me, if you don't mind.
Don't quite follow everything.

CRAZY LADY:

Years ago, Piazza wanted me to be his beard. I wasn't into that, so he's been punishing me ever since. He tries to stomp on whatever fun I'm having, he's been having me stalked for years.

No, it doesn't make sense. My best guess, and it's only a guess, is that he's mad at the world because he's attracted to men. Most gay people are nice and normal and fine with themselves, but Piazza's not. I'm sure he arranged for Tiger's secrets to be outed. You know his brother runs http://www.westovercountryclub.com/, the golfing part of it, anyway.

Piazza just wanted to create mayhem, because he's that kind of guy. This is one of the ways the rich and powerful screw with each other.

ME:

Ah. Of course.

(Ed. note: This woman also claimed Piazza orchestrated a hit on Steve Phillips during the Brooke Hundley scandal: "FYI, Mike "I'm not gay" Piazza set up Phillips and the crazy girl, and had you tipped off about it. He figures he'll keep you and ESPN busy fighting each other, and quiet the tales of his gayness. Just thought you should know — graceless"

Meet Seattle Eddie, The Man Who Knows Everything About Why Tiger Do What He Do

Great Read…some points to consider here…

- Post 9/11 the Feds broke up a National Circuit of "Houses" in many major cities that catered to gents needing "Release…" Newsweek did a page on this…will have my Sect'y scan and send it to you; better yet, send me your fax number;

- Up here in Seattle we have an Internet service devoted to us in the "Hobby…" called The Review Board…TRB…we rate the Ladies we sleep with…and many Ladies advertise their wares to be sampled…heavenly. (http://www.thereviewboard.net/)

- The Majority of Americans are so hung up about sex they can't enjoy themselves…The Euros laugh at us and the Asians just continue to live their own Sexual Kung Fu with smiles on their faces…

- In the end it all comes down to the PENIS…most women, my ex included, forget that that specific Organ has a mind of its' own and must be attended to…marriage vows taken don't mention that car bj's or hand jobs when the red river flows are OUT after the ring goes on…American women just don't take care of their men properly and many men allow this "Pussification" to occur…shame on them…

I could go on and on…thanks for your time…

Peace, Eddie

BURN

Hey A.J. or whatever you're name is—-You sound like you're a mite jealous over Tiger. Maybe that's because your sponsor pays you just what you're worth - For using filthy language and demonizing a Pro Athlete.

Charles

It's Always The Bassoon-Playing Bills Fans That Get Upset

While I am a huge fan of Deadspin, I really cannot approve of a
satirical headline/article that is based on the death of anyone. Even
though I attend the most ridiculously nicknamed school in the SEC
(South Carolina), I am apart of the most ridiculously named religion
(Pastafarianism), and am majoring in the least likely to succeed
degree (music performance- bassoon), I know this is wrong. Hell, I am
a Bills fan! We joke every day that Jauron was really just an animated
corpse brought alive by Miami fans just to piss us off! All I ask is
that, in the future, you leave the dead alone, especially those who
not only you, but your U.S. fan base, don't know a lick about.
In Honor,
SGT ****

Grady Sizemore Still Gaining More (Male) Fans

Good Day sir,

I wanted to thank you for bringing this stud to the internet. Trust me that it is increasing the male readership on top of the Females'

Maybe one day there might be some totally nude (front and back).

Best regards,
Don

Brooke Hundley Chimes In

Irony Meets Irony

I didnt get an MFA in journalism, or whatever the fuck you call it, but come on:

"Good spelling and grammar (this includes coherence, capitalization and punctuation)."

You should apply that philosophy to posts, too. Why the hard-on for comment-ninjas? Its below you. I'm thisclose to getting laid off, and when I do, I'll edit the posts for spelling and grammar. You clowns could use it. Thats an official offer.

Top photo: Fabios of Fayetteville

Murray Chass was ridiculed for bringing up Piazza's back acne in a cranky blog post published earlier this month. Today, Chass uses Pearlman's book to get all me-equals-not-crazy on those who criticized his post.

I hope the same readers who sent e-mail messages to this site harshly - in some cases viciously - criticizing me for the Piazza column I wrote earlier this month will read those pages.

Face.

The pages of note dissect the long-standing feud between Clemens and Piazza, building up to its broken-bat chucking crescendo in the '00 Subway Series. Pearlman not only manages to out Piazza as a steroid user in the section, but also characterizes him as a timid wimp unwilling to stand up to Clemens. In the book, former Mets outfielder Darryl Hamilton says he was furious at how Piazza reacted after Clemens threw the broken bat at him. "I wanted to know why Mike wasn't going after him. When he was hit in the head I understood because he was shaken up. But in the World Series, why were you confused? This guy threw a bat at you, and you do absolutely nothing? You don't stand up for yourself? You don't defend your manhood? Baseball is a game of pride, and we were all getting on Mike. 'Where's your pride, man? Where's your pride?' "

Well, it's good to know that even though Piazza suffered from horrific back acne due to his steroid use, 'Roid rage' was apparently not a problem for him.

Mike Piazza And Steroids Revisited [Herald de Paris]
The Rocket That Fell To Earth [Amazon]

In his blog, Chass claims that Piazza's bacne was so startling that he felt compelled to write about it, but was quickly instructed not to by the New York Times, lest they'd imply that one of the Mets' most popular and productive players could be artificially enhanced.

When steroids became a daily subject in newspaper articles I wanted to write about Piazza's acne-covered back. I was prepared to describe it in disgusting living color. But two or three times my editors at The New York Times would not allow it. Piazza, they said, had never been accused of using steroids so I couldn't write about it.

But wait, I said, if I write about it, I will in effect be accusing Piazza of using steroids and then someone will have accused him of using steroids. No can do, I was told. I always took the veto to stem from the Times ultra conservative ways, but I also wondered if it maybe was the baseball editor, a big Mets' fan, protecting the Mets.

Whatever the reason, I never got Piazza's suspicious acne into the paper. Then all of a sudden the acne was gone. Piazza's back was clear and clean. There was not a speck of acne on it. His back looked as smooth as a baby's bottom.

Fascinating. Granted, Piazza could have merely started using a pumice stone and anti-bacterial loofah on his back coupled with daily Proactiv treatements, but it also totally could've been the 'roids. Or the gay sex — that'll cause a violent breakout as well.

Mike Piazza: His Bat And His Back [Murray Chass] (Via Big Lead)

Hopefully, Piazza shares some of those stories in his upcoming autobiography, which he just signed on to do for Simon and Schuster. According to Publisher's Weekly,he'll "d iscuss controversies of his career, including the 2000 World Series incident when Roger Clemens threw a shattered bat at him, and the press conference he held to deny rumors that he was gay. The autobiography will also cover Piazza’s tumultuous relationships with the Dodgers, their front office and Tommy Lasorda; as well as his former teammates Bobby Valentine, Pedro Martinez, Rickey Henderson and others."

There is no title for the book at this time, but I'm positive Mike will go out of his way to ensure "Catcher" is not in it.

Piazza Signs With S&S [PW]

Indeed. You almost forget just how good Piazza's career stats are: .308 career average, 427 home runs and 1,335 RBIs .

However, Piazza will most likely be remembered for plenty of other things besides those gaudy numbers.

Farewell, you Fu-Machu'd squatting beacon of heterosexuality.

Mike Piazza Retires [Hot Foot Blog]

You see, someone someone threw a water bottle at him. And they'll pay: Oh, yes, they will pay.

"I'm pressing charges on him," Piazza said. "It hit me right on the helmet. It's typical. As soon as you turn and confront the guy, he walks out. Just another gutless act. What are you going to do? It's a joke." Piazza talked with Anaheim police in the clubhouse after the game and agreed to walk upstairs to give the police further information.

We certainly do not advocate sending projectiles hurtling toward professional athletes, even Mike Piazza, whom we suspect the fan was just trying to remind that he was due for another dye job. But you have to love Anaheim; they don't throw beer in Anaheim, they throw bottled water.

Piazza Plans To Sue Angels Fan [San Jose Mercury News]

[A-Rod] is not the only player who is suddenly displaying national pride none of us ever knew was there. Manny Ramirez is also apparently playing for the D.R. even though he made a huge deal out of becoming an American citizen a few years ago, with running out into left field at Fenway waving an American flag and everything. [Ed. Note: We completely forgot about this.] So I guess Manny just became a citized for the tax benefits? And Barry Zito is playing for Italy - wasn't Zito raised by a couple of hippies in Southern California?

Of course everything A-Rod does is scrutinized more intensely, and to a certian extent I'lla dmit he brings that upon himself (hell, as a lifelong Yankee fan I won't tell you I am completely in love with the guy either). But to be fair the only reason he's getting heat about his comments is because he's the only player so far that has been asked to justify his decision to play for someone else besides the U.S. Go ask Manny or Zito to explain their decisions.

Excellent points, all. We love the idea of Zito hanging out with the rest of the Italian team, with blonde streaks in his hair and a soul patch, asking the other pitchers where he can find some nice spots for surfing. And then they beat his ass.

A-Rod: The World's Free Agent [Deadspin]

(The woman in the picture there with Barry, by the way, is Carolyn Gross, a motivational speaker on issues of office time management and morale boosting techniques. In case you were wondering what those people looked like.)

(Update: Zito has decided to play for the U.S. Which kind of renders this whole post moot. But hey, we like Zito's shirt.)

It was an extremely close race, and we thank all competitors for playing. Hey, it's an honor to be nominated.

The final results:

• 1. Kordell Stewart. 27.3 percent, 217 votes
• 2. Mike Piazza. 26.4 percent, 206 votes
• 3. Peyton Manning. 23.8 percent, 186 votes
• 4. Tony Stewart. 14.4 percent, 112 votes
• 5. Bruce Chen. 8.1 percent, 63 votes

We think Chen would have finished higher, but, as some of you have pointed out, most people don't know who that is.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Next Prominent Gay Athlete [Oddjack]

Make your voice heard ... if you dare!

Vote: First Gay Athlete To Come Out [Deadspin]

You can see the most likely suspects right there. You can only vote once, so, you know, sorry Peyton, you can stop trying to load up the bots to vote for Piazza right now.

The poll will be up until 4 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, so make your voice heard, because nothing says "National Barometer Of Public Opinion" than a poll on a Web site.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

We'll be doing our first ever Deadspin Poll on this later this afternoon, but for now, just enjoy Oddjack's arguments for Bruce Chen, Kordell Stewart, Mike Piazza, Tony Stewart and, of course, Peyton Manning.

Personally, our money's on Kordell, but, then again, it always has been.

Cultural Oddsmaker: Next Prominent Gay Athlete [Oddjack]
Peyton Manning Going All Brokeback Mountain On Us? [Deadspin]
Kordell Stewart Is Back And, So You Know, Still Not Gay [Deadspin]

That said, we take them Ultra Seriously. Ahem. Here's a sample one:

This beloved catcher sure likes to play games with his other women. When he's not accusing them of messing around on him (the nerve!), he's denying their existence at the hotel, making them cry, and playing mind games with their confused little heads. Looks like he's playing games on AND off the field ...

Well, it's not Mike Piazza, because the 12th word isn't "men." (Come on, Mike, we kid. Kind of.) Are there any other beloved catchers? How about another one?

This "religious" AL Easter prefers to hook up with girls through... different means than his teammates. A source tells us that he isn't even responsive to girls he once felt attracted to — never answering their messages, never calling back... could it be "CHRISTIAN GUILT" kicking in?

Hmm. This could be missing the line, "Tends to not get along with men with huge heads." Hey, even if this blog is fake, this guessing game is fun. Wanna play?

On the DL [Blogspot] (via ohnotheydidnt)

Oh, come on, we're just playing around.

Either The Mets Just Came Back To Beat The Phillies ... [Can't Stop The Bleeding]

"It was like meeting American royalty," gushed Piazza, who compared meeting Limbaugh to meeting George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, General Douglas MacArthur and the Pope. "I think I pulled a fine in kangaroo court, but it was worth it," he said.

All right, Mike, jeez, we believe you already: You're not gay. Got it. Now knock it off, OK?

Mets Notebook [Newark Star-Ledger]