•Backtracking from earlier comments, Dana White says Kimbo Slice will fight in UFC, whether or not he comes out on top in their reality show. Wonder what changed his mind. *cough*doubledTheUltimateFighter'sratings*cough*

•Milton Bradley apologized for his behavior throughout the year, which led to an in-house suspension and likely the end of his time with the Cubs. But who would trade for him? Even Terrell Owens gives you one drama-free year before melting down.

•Pete Carroll says Matt Barkley will start Saturday, despite a bruised shoulder. After last weekend, I think his arm could fall off and he'd still be their best option behind center.

•Bobby Cox says he'll managed the Braves for one more season, then he's done. If he doesn't go out with an ejection, I'll be sorely disappointed.

•Stuttgart keeper Jens Lehmann was dropped from the lineup for popping in on Oktoberfest after a game. Punishing a German for going to Oktoberfest? That's a bigger insult to cultural pride than naming a team the Redskins.

•It's a shame the season's nearing an end; I was hoping to see if Brad Lidge could finish with more blown saves than successful ones. He blew number 11 last night (and raised his ERA to 7.48!) as Phillies fans shit themselves thinking about the 2007 Mets.

•Finally, this is being billed as the world's longest basketball shot. The fact that most of that distance is provided by gravity only slightly takes away from the hype.

•The woman claiming she was assaulted by Ben Roethlisberger drafted an e-mail from Harrah's announcing her resignation: "She is with Big Bens child and ... she has relocated to Pittsburgh. We wish her good luck [she will need it] in her future endeavors." Ben better hope crazy isn't a sexually transmitted disease.

•Allen Iverson Twittered that Memphis has made him an offer, and the Grizzlies confirmed it. We're one step closer to my dream of an AI/Marko Jaric reality show.

•According to McAfee, the Internet searches most likely to give your computer a virus are Jessica Biel, Beyoncé, Jennifer Aniston and...Tom Brady! Obviously the safest athlete to search for is A.C. Green.

•After a federal ruling, the list of MLB players who tested positive for PEDs could be destroyed. So you can stop sending in those fake lists that have been circulating. Seriously, Ruben Sierra? Yeah, that's believable.

•Rumors fly that Michael Vick is purchasing a $1.3 million home in Philadelphia. We remind you that his contract is only for $1.6 million. Math fail could explain why he's facing a bankruptcy hearing.

•We heard about those Vikings who preferred Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Now comes the emergence of a third faction. First sacrificing goats, now men openly pushing for Sage Rosenfels at QB? It's official, these are signs of the apocalypse.

•Hours after talking about feeling "hatred" from Cubs fans, Milton Bradley drives in three and hears nothing but cheers. Hey, there's a novel solution: stop sucking.

•And, courtesy of Second-String Fullback, comes Alex Smith KTFOing Greg Ellis. Way to risk your body to be a benchwarmer, Alex.

The Jays wanted J.A. Happ, Kyle Drabek, and Dominic Brown. The Phillies were all, "no way!" And the Jays were all, "way!" And the Phillies were all, "Nuh-uh!" And the Jays were all "Aww." I'm pretty sure those are standard trade operating procedures.

Is It Possible To Will A Trade Rumor Out Of Existence? There's some kind of information going around the the Detroit Tigers want to trade for Milton Bradley. I'm guessing it's part of the Tigers' new philosophy: "Trade for Farnsworth twice, shame on us, Trade for Farnsworth three times, shame on humanity."

Holy crap, the Tigers do not need another outfielder. Unless, of course, he's secretly a fantastic setup man. And perhaps the rumor is just a load of fertilizer, as the Tribune says there've been no talks between the teams. Phew.

The Mets Are More Than Willing To Part With Victor Zambrano For Him. Scott Kazmir might go to the Angels, who are looking for some kind of starting pitcher. They might also try to lure in Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay.

Actually, everyone wants Roy Halladay. I want Roy Halladay on my baseball team, which I am starting right now. I'd like 25 All-Stars, public funding for a stadium, and some kind of cool logo, please.

There. Baseball news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend hijinks involving references to Crystalis and Gauntlet.

Friday was an eventful day at Wrigley Field. First, Piniella admitted that he had smoked dope once and it hadn't "done a damn thing" for him. Speaking with the same reporters, Bradley lamented his solitude in the clubhouse. Then he flew out, threw his helmet and punched the Gatorade water cooler, prompting Piniella to bench him and stoking a heated exchange between the two in the clubhouse. Bradley left the field in street clothes, and — voila! — the Milton Bradley Meltdown of 2009 was off and running. Piniella's days of dope seemed, like, so 1960s.

But, you see, Bradley's not the one to blame here. It doesn't matter that he's a grown man making $30 million over the next three years just to play baseball, chase seagulls and, otherwise, keep his mouth shut. It's hard for him to do that when no one in the clubhouse will talk to him, so he has to lash out to get everyone's attention:

"This isn't me," Bradley told the Tribune before his confrontation with Piniella. "I've always excelled at playing baseball, and to come here and suck like I have, it's just not a good feeling. And there's really not one guy who I can sit and talk to. I've been on teams where I have guys I know, or somebody I can just vent to."

Derrek Lee has a locker next to Bradley and they speak frequently. So why not vent to Lee?

"We just don't have that bond," he replied. "'D-Lee' is cool. He's quiet. But things change. I had a good rapport with [fired hitting coach Gerald Perry]. I trusted Gerald and I could talk to him, and he's gone. I think I clicked with [ex-Cub outfielder Joey] Gathright, and he's gone. So you just kind of feel like you're on an island, and trying to stay afloat."

Bradley said the Cubs are a "good group of guys," but he hasn't formed any real relationships yet.

"The teammates, they're there and they say all the right things," he said. "But it's just [small talk]."

Lee said the Cubs players have no issues with Bradley.

"When we're in the clubhouse, everyone gets along with Milton," Lee said. "I don't think there's a guy in here who says he doesn't get along with Milton. Guys get frustrated. We see it all the time."

Carlos Zambrano was so concerned about Bradley he followed him into the clubhouse after the incident with Piniella to see if Bradley was OK. Zambrano declined to discuss Bradley, though Alfonso Soriano pulled no punches.

Ha! Wordplay!

Actually, the real culprit is Piniella himself. If only he visited California pharmacies more often, he would preside over a mellower clubhouse. The water cooler, at least, would be grateful.

Is Piniella's tough love the way to handle Bradley? [ChiTrib]
Bradley uncomfortable with fit on Cubs [ChiTrib]
Bradley's outburst ignites Mount Lou [ESPN]

• The Eyes Of Texas Are Upon You. Of course, losing Bradley means that the Rangers need to find another head case impact player, and Manny Ramirez pretty much fits the bill. [All Headline News]

• Former Alaska Goldpanner Headed To A's. Everyone welcome the prodigal son, Jason Giambi, back to Oakland ... hopefully sans certain banned chemicals and ointments. The only thing we want to see in that suitcase is underwear and a mustache, Jason. [San Francisco Chronicle]

• RIP, Carl Pohlad. Billionaire Twins owner passed away on Monday at age 93. Fun fact: Played football at Gonzaga, where he was recruited by alumnus Bing Crosby. [MLB]

• How Many Times Do I Have To Say No?. Andy Pettitte rejects Yankees latest one year, $10 million offer, but Brian Cashman continues to stand beneath his bedroom window holding a boom box over his head. [New York Daily News]

Make no mistake, the Times knows exactly what it's doing. It's only a matter of time before Bradley's famous temper spectacularly erupts, and the paper wants a front-row seat for all the excitement. Which is why they had to be a bit disappointed with the first effort; in which Bradley describes a game of dominoes with Eddie Guardado and Eric Hurley. What?

Ron Washington was standing over my shoulder talking trash like he always does and had everybody laughing hysterically when he asked me to come see him in his office for a minute. I dropped everything and headed to his office wondering: “What have I done now?”

Boooring. Although it's a testament to Bradley's body of work that he thinks he could be in trouble and not even know what he did. I respect that.

Despite the dull start, rest assured that I will be checking in with this blog daily.

Milton Bradley: 'What Have I Done Now?' [New York Times]

From Jason Whitlock's column in the Kansas City Star:

“Here’s a guy, with all the troubles he’s had, has shown that if you work at it, you can get your life back in order,” Lefevbre said on the telecast Wednesday, referring to Hamilton. “And that would be a pretty good role model for Milton Bradley, who clearly has no control over himself, because it’s the same thing year after year. This game, this country, really if you follow baseball, has really embraced Josh Hamilton. I think they’ve wanted to do the same with Milton Bradley, but Milton Bradley has refused to allow himself to be put in that position.”

It's the kind of tortured logic that could only come from Bradley: "How dare you call me an out-of-control hothead! I'll come up to the booth and KILL YOU for that!"

Bradley's next campaign: To rid the city of that wall-crawling menace, Spider-Man.

Bradley, Lefebvre Both Made Harmless Mistakes [The Kansas City Star]
Milton Bradley Would Like A Word If You've Got A Minute [Deadspin]

A Kansas City police officer was posted outside the TV booth after Bradley climbed four flights of stairs and reached the press level at Kauffman Stadium before being brought back to the clubhouse by Daniels. A visibly upset Bradley was fighting back tears in the clubhouse when speaking to teammates. “All I want to do is play baseball and make a better life for my kid,” Bradley said. “I’m strong, but I’m not that strong.”

Bradley was upset by comments made by Lefebvre during Texas' 11-5 win over the Royals. So what exactly was said? Lefebvre says he doesn't remember. “We were complimenting Josh Hamilton on how he’s turned his life around and taken responsibility for his mistakes,” said Lefebvre, who partners with analyst Frank White. “Frank and I were having a conversation on how it’s a shame that it doesn’t appear that Milton Bradley has done the same thing in his life."

Hard to believe that the same mild-mannered player who injured himself going after an umpire and has given us so many other fine wholesome baseball moments would charge a TV booth like that. But like Daniels said, I'm sure it was just to discuss the issue calmly. Pay no attention to the axe he brought along.

• In Case You Were Curious About The Game ... David Murphy had two homers, including a grand slam, to lead the Rangters over the Royals 11-5.

• Prognosis Negative. The test results are in, and it was determined that the Cardinals' Albert Pujols will miss at least three weeks due to a strained calf suffered on Tuesday. Bummer. Meanwhile, Rick Ankiel and Jason LaRue homered in the first to lead St. Louis over Cincinnati 10-0.

• Breaking Even. Jack Cust drove in three runs to lead the Athletics over the Yankees 8-4. Jason Giambi's 15th homer couldn't prevent New York from falling to .500 (33-33).

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Michael Cuddyer, Minnesota Twins. The first two-time winner of this prestigious honor robbed the Indians in the sixth. Very impressive. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Four wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

• The Padres Will Beat Your Ass. The Padres beat the Dodgers and no one get their ass kicked ... I only mention this because the Padres yesterday traded to bring Milton Bradley to a team that also recently acquired Michael Barrett. So this might not happen too often. Trevor Hoffman picked up the save after the Padres let the Dodgers cut a 7-2 lead down to 7-6 in the ninth.

• Troy Percival Is The Natural. Troy Percival, who hadn't thrown a major league pitch in two years, threw a scoreless seventh inning for the Cards yesterday against the Reds, and ended up getting the win in a 4-2 decision. Manager Tony LaRussa is more excited about it than I am. "It's a dream come true. He gets three outs and gets the winning decision. That's movie material," he said. Tony LaRussa must watch some really boring movies.

• Fat Guys Can Hit For Cycles, Too. Aubrey Huff's words, not mine. "As a 235-pound fat guy, you get a triple out of the way, that's something. After I got the double, it kind of snuck in my mind." The triple was his 1,000th hit, and the double was his 200th double. It's all very symmetrical and tidy. Except the O's lost 9-7 when Howie Kendrick put the Angels ahead with a home run in the 9th.

Bradley said his wife somehow knew — possibly through a friend working at a wireless phone company —that he had called a friend in Moreno Valley.

"She is complaining I'm talking to some people and that I'm cheating or something, and making no sense whatsoever," Bradley said.

His wife can be heard in the background shouting at him, including the statement, "I want to go home." Pots and pans or dishes clang as if something was thrown.

"Get away from me!" Bradley yelled at her. "She's in the room right now. You better get over here!"

In one instance, Bradley's 70-year-old mother was beckoned to help settle the repeated arguments, which is the type of backup you don't call for when you're punching someone. We're wondering if his wife, to counter, called for Jeff Kent.

Bradley 911 Calls Detailed [LA Observed]
Milton Bradley Repeatedly High-Fives His Wife [Deadspin]

Highlights include:

• Monique Bradley suffering a bloody lip when Bradley "grabbed her right hand and pushed her hand against her mouth."
• Bradley holding his wife against a wall by placing his right forearm across her throat. When he finally let her go, she immediately went to the bathroom and vomited. She was four months pregnant at the time.
• Monique said Bradley used his hand to grab her hand to force her to hit herself in the face, which was a funny trick when you were 15 but fails to qualify as such here.

Monique Bradley, mercifully, is still pregnant. All three calls were made within a 33-day period; Bradley was not arrested for any of the offenses. In a statement, he called the reports "exaggerated." Stay classy, Milton Bradley.

Bradley Had Problems At Home Too [LA Times]