Two D.C. area men bet over which team would finish with more wins in 2007, the Phillies or the Brewers. The Phillies finished with more wins. As a result, Chris Jollay, a 36 year old Brewers fan, lost and lived as a homeless man for a week.

Luckily, D.C. news WUSA-9 is all over it:

According to the bet, Jollay was allowed to carry one bag of items. Christman approved all of the items. Jollay says, he carried 12 power bars and 100-calorie snacks, a disposable camera, $20 dollars, contact lens, a marker and pen, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"I brought a big bottle of that, just to pass the time. Especially when it was cold...made the nights go faster."

What could Jollay have won if the Brewers had finished with more wins than the Phillies? Per WUSA 9: "I would have gotten to move in with [Christman's] wife. She'd have to cook me dinner and I'd go to her slumber parties and [Christman would] move into my place," Jollay says.

Touche.

Local man loses bet and goes homeless [WUSA 9]
Jollay goes homeless [Steve Heckman Online]
Brewers fan loses bet; forced to go homeless [SportsbyBrooks]

Uno's antics didn't do much to buoy the Brewers in the face of two Adam Dunn homers and Edinson Volquez striking out 10 in seven innings of work in the Reds' 8-2 win.

Rich Gives Cubbies Fans a Harden - And then the Chicago bullpen took over and softies abounded. The former Athletic made his first start for the North Siders, striking out 10 and leaving the game with a 7-0 lead in the 6th. The Giants knotted it up with two in the 8th and five in the 9th, but the Cubs pulled it out in extra innings. Jim Edmonds homered and drove in four runs.

Rays Not Even Waiting For All-Star Break For Collapse - The Indians hand the Rays their sixth loss in a row and look to complete the four-game sweep today. Tampa is 0-12 in Cleveland since knocking the Tribe out of the 2005 AL Central race. Grady Sizemore hit his AL-leading 23rd jack, but the Indians relied on performances by starter Matt Ginter, winning his first game in four years, and Ryan Garko, getting his first extra-base hit in more than a month en route to 5 RBIs.

The Mets Have a Bullpen Now? - Apparently so, as they haven't allowed a run in 18 1/3 innings and stayed strong yesterday after Pedro was pulled in the 5th with tightness in his shoulder, going on to one-hit the Rockies.

More Saves Record Drama! - K-Rod, the Rod not sticking it to Madge (I assume), continues his ever-compelling march to the single-season saves record. He notched his 37th yesterday, putting him five ahead of Bobby Thigpen's 1990 pace and blah blah blah the save is an overrated stat.

Bobby Murcer 1946-2008 - The Yankees' longtime outfielder and broadcaster passed away yesterday of complications from a malignant brain tumor he was diagnosed with in 2006. He had surgery late that year and returned in May 2007 and continued covering games into this year. The five-time All-Star played most of his career in New York, hitting 252 homers to go with 1,862 hits and a .277 career batting average.

Sabathia won his debut on Tuesday, the Brewers prevailing over the Rockies 7-3. From Bugs and Cranks:

This young man just flew in from Cleveland to join the team. His name is Carsten, he’s from California, and he throws a 97mph fastball, apparently even in the late innings. Say it with me: “Hello Carsten.” You were probably not thrilled with your five walks, but you got some big outs when you needed to, and gave up only 2 ER in 6.0 IP with what seemed to be a constantly-evolving strike zone. Here’s a George Webb burger for you, Carsten. Welcome to Wisconsin. Are you going to finish those fries? Sorry…dumb question.

Yes, accoriding to many, this should make the NL Central race quite a bit more exciting. And more delicious.

And just wait until CC discovers the 12-person beer bong.

Sharing My Burgers [Bugs And Cranks]

I thought I'd make my first Emeritus post — New York magazine is fun! I'm totally learning about Fashion Week and sushi restaurants! — about Rick, and the Cardinals, and those ridiculous Cubs-Brewers trades because, honestly, if I'd had my druthers, I'd have written every post about the Cardinals when I was editor of this here site. (It was difficult not to. Extremely so.) So while I have a few moments before I have to approve the new Vincent Gallo photo spread, I thought I'd scratch the itch.

I know, I know: Billy Beane's the genius, we all know it, we all love him, he loves the Ramones, whatta guy. But I cannot fathom what he's thinking with the Rich Harden trade. We understand that Harden is probably going to get hurt — it's nice to see the Cubs have Mark Prior back — and then everyone will give him backslaps and man hugs, no homo. But Jim Hendry can claim all he wants that the trade wasn't a reaction to the Sabathia trade — which seems much more fair, and didn't actually upset us nearly as much — and we're still not going to believe him. That's really all Beane could get for Harden? Sean Gallagher? I'd rather have Black Gallagher.

Sure, Harden is probably gonna break down. But that doesn't make Eric Patterson a better second baseman.

More to the point, both the Cubs and the Brewers have made moves that the Cardinals shouldn't — and probably can't — counter. In a way, the fact that the two teams had to make the trades at all is a victory; if the Cardinals aren't dramatically overachieving in the first place, maybe everybody feels a little more comfortable with where they stand and don't make the risk trades. This was never supposed to be a contending season for the Cardinals; it's a house money season. If they keep this going, wow, what a great story. If they don't, well, it has been more fun that anyone thought it would be, now trade Ludwick for a prospect or two. It's clear the Cardinals aren't as talented as the Cubs or Brewers, and that was true before those two trades. But hey, why not let it ride? It's bizarre that the Birds have even made it this far.

But yes: The MLB Extra Innings package continues to break my heart. Anytime they have the road announcers, they always bring up the Ankiel pitching thing. Al Hrabosky and Dan McLaughlin, the Cardinals announcers, never even refer to Ankiel as a pitcher; they know how much it hurts Cardinals fans to even think about it. But every time Ankiel bats and we have the road announcers ... "what a story, this kid, with the pitching and the ..." The mute button is smashed immediately. Honestly, that video above, that's Faces Of Death for Cardinals fans; it should be on rotten.com.

Or so says everyone from Cleveland, to Milwaukee, to Buster Olneyville. The Cleveland Indians, who at the beginning of the season thought they'd be able to compete, have officially moved white-flagged it by shuttling their number one starter with the crooked cap to the Milwaukee Brewers for power-bat prospect Matt LaPorta, and pitchers Zach Jackson and Rob Bryson.
The trade is expected to be announced sometime today and Sabathia is scheduled to take the mound Tuesday night at Miller Park against the Colorado Rockies.

For the Brewers, this is the all-in move designed to take them to the playoffs for the first time since 1982, when Gorman Thomas' mustache roamed the beer-soaked grass of County Stadium. A 1-2 punch of Sheets and Sabathia should make the NL Central a lot more interesting the rest of the year. The Indians, on the other hand, are hopeful a young bespectacled fireballer from Cleveland's prison system can establish himself as the starter of the future.

Tribe on the verge of trading Sabathia [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Brewers Make Trade For C.C. Sabathia [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]
CC To The Brewers: Does Anyone Win? [ImWritingSports]

One of the Pastime’s great lures is the likelihood that all attendees, even a jaded regular like this reporter, will witness an occurrence he or she has never before seen. This temptation was on full display during the final game of a Deviant Series (stop bastardizing the game, people!) matchup between the Beery Nine from Milwaukee and the Siamese from the West, Minnesota.

Both sides were on the receiving end of Serling Style happenings involving strikeouts. But one was mere Chadwickian oddity, while the other was as a result of deliberate action by Blue, and as such, was met with outrage and brickbats rather than applause. Excepting the forty thousand or so Good Friends in the grandstand, of course, who were delighted by the incident, as it came in assistance of a 4-2 triumph for the Mixmasters.

Before describing the Prestige, however, a word or three about the Turn. Ahead by a tally courtesy of a Russ “3TO” Branyan safety in the opening innings, Milwaukee’s Finest came up for their third at bat against Twin City twirler Scott “Captain Shreve” Baker. Down they went, 1-2-3-4. And all via the 11th Letter. Unpossible, you declare? Not so, dear Reader. With The Hebrew Hammer, Ryan Braun, already retired after errant swings, the Porky Prince of Pop took his turn in the rectangle. Appropriately, given the holiday, Fielder failed to Honor Thy Father, and he too missed badly on a troika of swings. However, Mike “Smell Those RBI’s” Redmond, backstopping the Chang and Engs, failed to corral a wide one from his batterymate, and the pill bounded so far into the distance that even the Portly Prince was able to reach the Right Sack.

Officially, according to Sir Chadwick himself, that chain of events is recorded as a Whiff, giving the good Captain a brace in the innings. In short order, he regripped the wheel and caught 3TO and Mike “Black Cat” Cameron browsing. That gave Baker a quartet of K’s in the innings, despite the seeming numerically impossibility of the act. While not an event as rare as the Javan Spotted Rhino, it was sufficiently unusual to earn Baker his own bust in the North Star record book. No other Minnesotan in the long history of the franchise has accomplished a Fantastic Four (Flame On!)

Inspired by the Mound Mark, the Fraternals stuck their collective nostrils in front. Jason “The Beautiful Fork” Kubel stroked a Long Sock in the Middle Frame, and a Kamikaze Out by Alexi “Stomp The Yard” Casilla unWindsored the contest. But those feats of raptor-eyed batsmanship were immediately offset in the home half of the sixth innings, when The Black Cat reversed his curse, at least with a small ‘r’, and powered a drive into the left-center cheapies with 3TO watching from the Gilded Path. 3-2, Brew Crew.

The Big Fly turned an historic afternoon for Captain Shreve into a Day of Disappointment. "It came down to one pitch," Baker said. "It went from a great outing to an average one." Alas (and alack), Sir Shreve, that’s the very nature of base ball, and, as with your trip into history earlier in the day, a Shining Example of why we cannot live without the Game, despite repeated entreaties by the Better Half to kick the habit…

Meanwhile, FonzieTown hurler Seth “Joystick” McClung justified his skipper’s faith on this Sabbath Day. Field General Yost was tempted to remove the game gamer from his rotation, but stuck with him for another go against the Junior Circuiters, and was rewarded with six quality frames. Enter the Welfarers, who slammed the door on the Frigid State Nine. But not without a little aid from the Chief Adjudicator.

Guillermo “Sister Christian” Mota toed the slab in the eighth innings, and set down all three Twins who dared wave their ash in his direction by strikeout. It was the middle whiff that had tongues wagging afterward. Brandon “The Marquis” Harris was scoffing at Pentagon Solomon Brian Runge’s warnings to hurry up and hit, rather than dawdle with his foot outside the rectangle. When Harris didn’t respond with alacrity, Blue waved to the Night Ranger to stand and deliver, which he did for Strike Three.

The Hit and Run Hun, Skip Gardenhire, promptly aired his grievance of the ruling at great volume, and in extreme proximity to Runge’s grille. He was ordered from the premises, forthwith. Don’t blame Blue on this one. Indeed, the Blue Collective has been directed to take such steps in order to install an internal combustion engine to an often horse and buggy sport. The Marquis was gumming up the works, and didn’t like the taste of the Drano that came down the pipe.

Bernie’s Boys tacked on a Prudential Tally in their turn at bat, and salvaged a V from an otherwise emptyhanded set. But Rushing Runge was the day’s Takeaway Platter. “If he gets hit in the head, what are we going to do then? That's embarrassing. I don't get it at all. That's wrong," opined the Hun. "'Call the league,' that's what I was told." Far be it from me to question the Commish of Gilles Hot Dogs (duly noted—his Pride and Joy were beneficiaries of the Dubious Decision), but why bother trying to bring a hasty and unnatural end to these Glorious Afternoons at the Park? This reporter’s Typing Brethren are responsible for much of the barracking about length of play. Ticketholders are free to leave at any point. Those who stay are presumably sanguine with the proceedings. So why hurry them from the fresh air and glad tidings? Given the seldom seen action earlier in the day, the Drive ‘Em Out Directive was truly Irony Unbound.

Moved after reading about how chicken and cattle are treated, Prince Fielder became a vegetarian before this baseball season, a decision that became national news.

The attention was somewhat puzzling. It's not as if Fielder went on an all-mayonnaise diet or began celebrating wins by eating a sheet cake. Vegetarianism is endorsed by the American Dietetic Association and the Dietitians of Canada. It has numerous health benefits; vegetarians have been reported to have lower body mass indices than meat eaters. It's enjoyed by millions, including athletes past (Martina Navratilova) and present.

The Atlanta Hawks' Salim Stoudamire and ultimate fighter Mac Danzig are vegans, which bans eating anything (milk, eggs, honey) from an animal. Tight end extraordinaire Tony Gonzalez went vegan last year, but with a laughable compromise initiated by the Kansas City Chiefs team's nutritionist, Mitzi Dulan, a former vegetarian athlete.

According to the Wall Street Journal, she convinced Gonzalez to have a few servings of chicken and seafood a week.

Fielder, however, is in some foreign territory. The Baseball Hall of Fame has no record of vegetarian home run leaders, and Fielder isn't on pace to get anywhere near last year's total of 50 home runs: he's hit 11 so far this season. Granted, he could go on a tear, but those are the numbers.

Keeping track of Fielder's home run total this season is going to be fun, and not as the evolution of a young slugger or as part of some sport-reviving home run chase with Brewers teammate Ryan Braun. The 24-year-old can establish if there can be a vegetarian home run king while maybe becoming the poster boy for the vegetarian athlete.

"I think that would be a big boost in the mainstream for vegetarianism," says Elizabeth Turner, editor-in-chief of Vegetarian Times. "That is like the last bastion of red meat-eating America—football players and baseball players."

If Fielder gets close to last year's production, he could lend further clarity to the issue of vegetarians and athletics, especially when it comes to strength. A long-held belief is that by eschewing meat, a vegetarian (especially an athlete) misses protein, a lack of which can cause a decrease in muscle mass.

Turner offered several vegetarian replacements that are protein-rich, including meat alternatives tempeh (41 grams per cup) and seitan (31 grams in 3 oz.), cottage cheese (31 grams per cup), and lentils (18 grams per cooked cup).

Iron and zinc are also easily available through meat, but can be found in whole grains, leafy green vegetables, legumes, nuts, and seeds, says registered dietician Dr. Enette Larson Meyer. Fortified foods and supplements—the right, vegetarian-based ones, not the Barry Bonds ones—can also help.

Before he began his vegetarian journey, Fielder got advice from team nutritionist Dr. Leslie Bonci. It's a good thing he did. According to Dr. Joel Fuhrman, author of “Eat for Health,” the vegetarian diet is "suboptimal" if its focus is on collecting calories and sufficient protein, and not accumulating valuable micronutrients such as zinc and iron.

"I'm critical of almost everyone's diet whether they eat meat or don’t," says Fuhrman, a former world class figure skater. "They almost always have lots of room for improvement."

A properly planned vegetarian diet that fills all of the nutritional gaps should not be cited for a drop in Fielder's numbers or his strength, Fuhrman says. (Keep in mind: Fielder's power draught could be the result of a slump or pitchers getting wise to his long ball tendencies. It’s possible!) Bonci told The New York Times that the body's muscles can't tell the difference between proteins, so whether Fielder gets them from hamburgers or black bean burgers is irrelevant.

The bigger obstacle is adjusting to a new lifestyle, says Larson Meyer, author of “Vegetarian Sports Nutrition” and an assistant professor at the University of Wyoming. It means finding desirable meat substitutes, finding restaurants and food stores that cater to the new diet, and enduring the joking of others.

Larson Meyer says that as long as energy and calorie needs are met and that Fielder eats when he needs to—including a protein and carbohydrate source 30 minutes to an hour after an intense workout to rebuild muscle—he should be able to maintain his performance. But "you have to be dedicated to your cause and purpose," she says.

Others aren't so sure. Dr. Jonny Bowden, a board-certified sports nutritionist and author of the upcoming “The Healthiest Meals on Earth,” says not everyone can handle a vegetarian diet. Vitamin B-12, which Bowden cites as "a big part of energy," comes naturally from meat sources, and the most absorbable form of iron comes from meat. The profiles of soy's amino acids (the building blocks of protein) differ too.

"Soy concentrate may be estrogenic in males and adversely affect testosterone, and hence, strength," explains certified sports nutritionist Rehan Jalali, president of the Supplement Research Foundation and author of “The Six-Pack Diet Plan. “

"I know red meat has been demonized a little, but I think taken in moderation it can really be beneficial to athletes," Jalali adds. "Red meat provides easily absorbed iron, vitamin B-12, zinc, the fat loss nutrient CLA [conjugated linoleic acid], and l-carnitine, which can also support fat loss and muscle energy. It may even have beneficial effects on testosterone levels."

While sympathetic toward animal rights — he doesn't eat pork because of how pigs are treated — Bowden says that "people get so caught up in that, they don't look at the functions. Bodies aren't political."

With that said, that doesn't mean Bowden think there can't be a vegetarian power athlete. "It's possible to have a 5'6" NBA player, but it's probably going to be rare."

There also happens to be a vegan bodybuilder, Kenneth Williams.

In Fuhrman's mind, a vegetarian athlete isn't some exception to the rule. Americans have become so attached to the food pyramid and the benefits of meat that it's become nutritional gospel, but it is not scientific, he says. "Without vegetables there would be no protein on the planet," he notes, as that's how early animals got protein.

Conflicting dietary philosophies aside, Fuhrman points out a larger issue: Fielder can "be a role model for people to eat healthier." And in a nation where more people are shaped like ovals and where cheese is stuffed into every imaginable nook and cranny, Americans need dietary inspiration. Why shouldn't a 270-lb baseball-playing vegetarian lead them?

Some more dingers would help, though.

Taverez has answered taunts, not known who Ernie Banks was, fought in spring training and fired baseballs into the stands. He has done this for both teams, and we're all a little scared of him. Though we'll give the Red Sox some credit; they did get him a World Series ring. Which he promptly lost.

It seems the newest member of the Milwaukee Brewers left the $20,000 prize in his locker when the Red Sox designated him for assignment, then released him earlier this month. "They're going to mail it to me, I'm sure," Tavarez said.

We suspect that either Tavarez swallowed the ring in a ravenous rage, or that it's planted somewhere deep within the cheek of a Milwaukee bouncer.

Julian Tavarez Loses World Series Ring [Red Sox Monster]

JS beat writer Tom Haudricourt followed up on Badger Blogger's claim and found no one with the Brewers who knew anything about a firing. Haudricourt:

I just got off a flight from Boston and contacted a very reliable club source who told me he knows nothing about any plans to dismiss manager Ned Yost, as posted late last evening by "Badger Blogger," whatever that is.

To which a commenter on Badger Blogger replied:

Quote of the day — “…’Badger Blogger,’ whatever that is.” Pray tell in a few years, we can say “Journal-Sentinel, whatever that was.”

And Buzz Bissinger just turned a rich, vibrant shade of purple.

Badger Blogger: Hero, or goat? Whatever happens, it can't be worse than this, can it?

Source: Ned Yost To Be Relieved Of His Duties Monday [Badger Blogger]
Blogger Claims Yost To Be Fired [Brewers Blog]

A word, however, on Miller Park, and that retractable roof. The roof has been closed for every game so far this season, and we asked about 15 different people why that was — it didn't rain either day — and got about 15 different answers. (The Brewers have had tons of problems with their roof anyway.) Some said it was because it takes forever to open, some said it has to be a perfect day, some said the ball carries better inside and the struggling Brewers offense needed all the help it could get. But no one seemed to really understand why, and that includes several reporters who could, conceivably, ask.

But they did have dollar hot dogs all weekend and a massive parking lot in which we drank many Miller Lites and watched people play a game called "Testicle Toss." And the beer man freaked out our parents and us by saying, upon handing us our MGD Lites, "Hey, you're the guy who got yelled at on TV. Man, that guy was just goin' crazy." There are more HBO subscribers than we realized, apparently. We quietly sipped our beverages, kept score and remained focused on the game after that. Freaking Isringhausen.

It's obviously for a good cause, and there's a tangible benefit for anyone who shows up: "The first 500 men to qualify and get screened will receive a voucher for two tickets to a future Milwaukee Brewers game." If you're in the area, you have to get there by 1 p.m. local time.

We're going to the Brewers-Cardinals series in less than two weeks, and our parents are coming to visit us. Now we know how Dad scored the tickets.

Free Screenings: Drive Against Prostate Cancer [My Fox Milwaukee]

Weaver, who signed a one-year contract after one of the most dominant postseason performances in recent memory and ended up practically destroying the Mariners' pennant chances (and any hope at a contract this year), has finally landed with a team: The Nashville Sounds.

Yes, Weaver signed a minor league contract with the Milwaukee Brewers, and if everything goes perfect, he could be with the team in a month. We do hope he pitches for the Brewers at Busch at some point this year. Busch Stadium is the only place on earth that would welcome Weaver with a standing ovation ... and that includes the Weaver household.

Weaver Signs With Brewers [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

In Milwaukee, makeshift toilets are proving to be a profitable business for some enterprising Brewers' fans. When last week's home opener left many cheese-wolfers standing in line for up to 30 minutes at the Port-O-Lets, others stepped up and charged money to those pee-pee dancing parking lot revelers. Those plucky kids at Walkoff Walk found this story in the Journal-Sentinel which broke down the other options:

• "One man set up a plywood screen around a large plastic barrel and charged $1 per use. "

• "A nearby competitor was reportedly charging $3 per visit for a crude toilet surrounded by a shower curtain."

• "Most elaborate was the operation of Brenden Augustine of Waukesha in a parking lot east of the stadium. He mounted a rented portable toilet on the back of a pickup truck and charged $5 a visit, or $10 for all-day access. Augustine said he and his buddies started the day charging $1 and $5, but raised the rates when long lines began to form."

These measures also ensure that Milwaukee's fly population will also be well-fed throughout the season.

Brewers Fans Are Entrepreneurial, F**king Disgusting [Walkoff Walk]
Brewers Crack Down On All-Day Parking Lot Parties [Journal-Sentinel]

I checked with the Gawker IT, and they confirmed my suspicions that our server space does not have the sufficient disk space to hold all the Matt Leinart jokes.

Brewers Home Opener [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]

(It's probably best to note that this tip was sent to us by a .gov e-mail. Finally, our tax dollars at work, giving something back to the community.)

You always know a closer is in a death spiral when the mere mention of his name causes cheers among the opposing fans. Yesterday was fun, because you say this from both Cubs and Brewers fans. (Phillies fans will enjoy this once Brad Lidge comes back, not that the exact same thing isn't happening to Tom Gordon.)

We think this Gagne death spiral is going to last about a month, and then we'll be on Derrick Turnbow watch. Maybe it is the steroids.

And honestly: Gagne looks less like a professional athlete than just about anybody in sports right now, now that Rich Garces is gone.

(Photo via Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)

Perhaps even more troubling than the loss, was Kerry Wood's three-run ninth-inning barf as the Cubbies' new closer. Lou Piniella still maintains an aura of positivity, even though more games like this will surely result in dust-kicking temper tantrums or more desperate motivational techniques.

• Tom Gordon should just be vanquished to a small island and forced to eat himself. Brett Myers gave himself a mohawk and pitched like a number one starter for a few innings, then the inevitable 5th inning fade happened again and the Phillies were forced to go bull-penning. Ryan Madson gave up a couple, the Phillies tied it in the 8th, but then Flash came out turd-tossing in the 9th that led to a Washington Nationals offensive volcano. Final score: 11-6. Once again the Phillies start off with major concerns about their pitching staff, and the nagging feeling that the first part of the season will be absolutely horrible. Wake me when it's June.

• The Bastard Mets quest to forget about 2007 . Even worse for the Phillies, the Mets trotted out prized pig Johan Santana, who pitched seven strong innings and officially scared the brown stuff out of all National League contenders. David Wright popped a double in the fourth inning which provided more than enough runs to defeat the Florida Marlins. The one bright spot for Florida? Those lovable Manatees, who jiggled their way into the hearts of thousands of Miami women who like their dancing men rotund and smelling of cased meats.

• Speaking of fat guys...C.C. Sabathia looked bad in what may very well be his final opening day start as a Cleveland Screaming Native American. Lucky for him, Mark Buehrle was just wretched, giving up seven runs in a little less than two innings of work, putting his White Sox in a 7-2 hole early. But they rallied back and tied it up just long enough to make it interesting. Casey Blake spoiled the intrigue in the 8th with a three-run double which was enough to kill the Sox and illicit a litany of vile Venezuelan expletives from Ozzie Guillen.

• Uh oh, better get Safeco Making his Mariners debut, Erik Bedard threw approximately 435 pitches in just five innings but still managed to stifle the offensively incontinent Texas Rangers. Kevin Millwood gave up five runs, got the loss and is still wondering how the hell he once won 18 games for the Braves.

That's just impressive. As a former collegiate mascot, I can tell you that it's tough enough to just walk around in a 6′6″ costume without stepping on a bunch of grade-schoolers. Let alone ski down a mountain.

More photos here, including a sad, sad wipeout by the hot dog.

The Milwaukee Racing Sausages Can Ski! [Home Run Derby]

In fact, our pick makes our stomach turn over a bit, but alas. We think this division's going to be a lot better than people think.

1. Chicago Cubs. We're not ready to go with the "they win the World Series in the 100th year" business, but the lineup is starting to scare us a little.
2. Milwaukee Brewers. These guys reek of slow starters, followed by the firing of Ned Yost, followed by a crazy run to the wild card.
3. Houston Astros. This franchise is absolutely dead in two years. Their last gasp will push them into third place. Congrats, guys.
4. St. Louis Cardinals. The lineup should surprise — watch Brian Barton, kids — but man, is that really Todd Wellemeyer in the rotation? Heavens.
5. Cincinnati Reds. No longer will these guys sucker us in. It'll be fun to see who Griffey goes to, though.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates: Yes, yes, the Pirates are still around. Nice stadium too.

We type all this through gritted teeth. Your thoughts? Tomorrow, the National League West.

That flash went off prematurely, by the way.

Milwaukee Sideline Grunts Love Erin Andrews [The Big Lead]

Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Milwaukee Brewers. Your author is Dan Kois.

Dan Kois edits Vulture, New York magazine's arts and culture blog. He maintains that the Brewers would have won it all last year if they'd only grown a few more mustaches. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

What's going on? Ned Yost here. I'm the manager of the Milwaukee Fucking Brewers. You may remember us as the team that hadn't made the playoffs for 25 years, and a lot of people thought we would make it last year, but we didn't. We led the NL Central almost wire to wire, but blew it in the end. Why? Well, there's a lot of reasons.

The fact is, it's mostly our fans' fault that we couldn't pull the division out. Our team is young, and the fans put a lot of pressure on the players to do things they're just not capable of doing. For instance, the fans really get on Derrick Turnbow over simple things like ever throwing strikes. As I've said before, I wish everyone would just leave the kid alone.

If it isn't our fans' fault, it's definitely Bill Hall's fault. All I asked that kid to do was switch from the infield to center field, then benched him twice when he was hitting poorly. Then platooned him. Then benched him for a month. You know what I always say: team MVP in 2006? I don't give two fucks. What have you done for me lately, besides switching positions and playing hurt?

It if isn't Bill Hall's fault, it's definitely the bullpen's fault. All I did was demand they pitch three or more innings nearly every game, no matter what, and how did they repay me? By blowing a lead dozens of times over the course of the season, and completely falling apart by season's end.

If it isn't the bullpen's fault, it's definitely the umpires' fault. They're the ones who threw me out of games three times in the season's final week. Oh, and Tony La Russa's fault. He's the one who had his pitcher bean Prince Fielder in a critical game, causing me to order a hit on Albert Pujols with us trailing in the eighth inning. How was I supposed to know that the pitcher I put in afterwards, Derrick Turnbow, would be unable to put the ball over the plate? I'd do it again if I had to. I'll do anything for my players. Anything. Also, Derrick Turnbow is a fucking jerk for not throwing strikes.

At any rate, things look good for this season. We made some big-deal free agent signings — Mike Cameron and Eric Gagne. Sure, Cameron is missing the first 25 games of the season for popping greenies, and Gagne's inclusion in the Mitchell Report explains why he has kind of sucked the past few years. We also traded our starting catcher for Guillermo Mota, who pitched terribly for the Mets last season once he finished his 50-game suspension for substance abuse. But I'm pleased with all three guys, and I'll tell you why. We need some fucking tough guys on this team, and I when I think tough guys, I think drug abusers. Who was better than Paul Molitor on those early-80s Brewers teams I used to play on? Nobody, and that muhfucker was higher than a kite every day he took the field!

It's clear that the fans and the management in Milwaukee have my back this year. Hardly anyone wrote articles blaming me for our collapse last year. The general manager gave me a vote of confidence by hiring Ted Simmons, a more experienced version of me — in fact, the guy who taught me everything I know — to be bench coach. And I've got a steady stock of Robert E. Lee quotes to get me through the season. The fact is, our bullpen could blow a hundred games this year and we'd still win the division. We still have math on our side.

The great Baseball Prospectus Postseason Odds report gives the following percentage chances on surviving the weekend:

• Chicago Cubs: 92.9 percent.
• Arizona Diamondbacks: 82.9 percent.
• San Diego Padres: 65.6 percent.
• Philadelphia Phillies: 59. 1 percent.
• New York Mets: 58.5 percent.
• Colorado Rockies: 34.0 percent.
• Milwaukee Brewers: 7.1 percent.

The series to watch are Washington at Philadelphia, Florida at NY Mets, Chicago Cubs at Cincinnati, San Diego at Milwaukee and Arizona at Colorado. Playoffs? Who needs playoffs?

"That's why I'm so passionate about playing. I don't mind them comparing me, but I'm totally a different player," said Prince Fielder, who hopes to hit 52 homers this season to beat his father's best mark of 51 (1990), and "shut him up." Wow. "Hopefully one day, whenever they mention my name, they won't have to mention his," said Prince, who had a two-run homer in the first and a two-run homer in the seventh, surpassing Willie Mays as the youngest to hit 50. Mays was 24 years, 137 days old when he hit his 50th home run in 1955, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Fielder is 23 years, 139 days old. Anyway, the Cubs lost to the Marlins and Dontrelle Willis on Tuesday, 4-2. But there's no curse. Nope.

• The Life Of Brian. Brian Giles, 1-for-his-past-52, had a three-run homer with two out in the ninth to give San Diego a 6-4 win at San Francisco. That dramatic enough for ya, Padres' fans? Your team is one game ahead of Colorado and Philadelphia in the NL wild card, and two back of Arizona in the West. For their next trick, San Diego will trot out Jake Peavy today to face the Giants in Barry Bonds' home finale.

• Your Dioner Navarro Update. The Devil Rays saw Alex Rodriguez's grand slam and raised a grand slam by Jorge Velandia, with Dioner Navarro then hitting a solo homer in the 10th to lift Tampa Bay over the Yankees 7-6. It all prevented New York from clinching a playoff berth. The Yankees lead Detroit by 4½ games in the wild-card race, with five to play. Did you know that the Yankees have the majors' best record (47-24) since the All-Star break? But if they just could have handled the worst team in the AL (they were 8-8 against the Devil Rays), the Yankees could have won the division.

• Why, Why, Why, Mets? Instead of recounting the obvious, please just look at this. Thanks, and see you tomorrow.

• Colorado 9, Los Angeles 7. Anyone notice that the Rockies have won nine straight? Anyone?

Fielder, who also homered on Friday night, extended his career-best hitting streak to 13 games and is batting .422 with seven homers and 12 RBIs in September. Can you say, M.V.P.? Good. Can you say, otorhinolaryngologist? I can't.

• Statement Game Josh Beckett (three hits over seven innings) became the majors first 19-game winner to help the Red Sox rout the Yanks, 10-1. The bounce back win increases the Sox's lead to 5 1/2 with two weeks and a day to play. Boston's Criss Angel number is down to nine.

• Your Daily NL West Update... Luis Gonzalez, his three-run biz-bomble and the Dodgers beat the D-Backs to move within 3 1/2 games of first in the West race, while the Padres sit two back after blanking the Giants, 6-0.

• Keep Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' (What?) Jimmy Rollins two-run triple over the Mets shallow defense rallied the Phils to their seventh straight win over the Mets, 5-3. Philadelphia now trails the Mets by just 4 1/2.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. They could really get serious about testing for steroids, then every team would be screwed. We'd be left with Ryan Klesko and Rally Monkey. So Tony Armas' pitching and Nate McLouth's two-run homer led the Pirates over the Brewers 9-0, Milwaukee's fourth loss in five games in Pittsburgh this season. That opened the door for the Cubs, who beat St, Louis 12-3 to pull into a first-place tie with the Brewers. What manner of curse is afoot here? The Brewers have lost 41 of 60 games at PNC Park since it opened in 2001, even though the Pirates have yet to have a winning season during that time. And to add insult to injury, don't forget about this.

• My Name Is Asdrubal. Asdrubal Cabrera had a two-run homer in the seventh and a sacrifice fly in the ninth to lead the Indians over the White Sox 6-2. The Indians are six games up on the Tigers in teh AL Central, and now you look like a genius for picking the whole thing back in April. What? You picked the Twins? Never mind.

• A Grand Time. Kurt Suzuki and Dan Johnson each had a grahnd slam — the second time the Athletics have had two in a game in the past 106 years — as Oakland beat Seattle 9-3.

• Westworld. Jeff Salazar's homer led Arizona over San Francisco 5-3, as the Diamondbacks moved 3 1/2 games ahead of the idle Padres in the NL West.

Lou Piniella is threatening wholesale lineup changes in the wake of Chicago's 6-2 loss to the Dodgers, in which the Cubs failed to deliver with runners on base and hit into five double plays. Brad Penny went seven strong innings and Matt Kemp had four hits as La made a mockery of Steve Trachsel's return to the Cubs. Chicago is now a half-game ahead of the Brewers, who beat the Astros 5-3 behind Francisco Cordero, who set a franchise record with his 40th save.

Meanwhile, the Joel Pineiro Saga continues in St. Louis, as the former Red Sox reliever won for the fourth time in six starts as the Cardinals beat the Pirates 6-2. St. Louis is one game behind the Cubs. Pineiro (4-2) allowed two runs and eight hits in 5 2-3 innings and was helped by Chris Duncan bases-loaded double goodness. And hey, all three teams are above .500.

• A Little Chien Music. Everyone stopped breathing at once as Alex Rodriguez grimaced in pain after rolling his right ankle in a collision at third base in the seventh inning. Don't worry girls ... Alex WILL be at the dance tonight! Will be there! (X-Rays were negative). Chien-Ming Wang won his 17th as the Yankees beat the Mariners 12-3, moving two games ahead of Seattle in the AL wild card. Clemens, meanwhile, got a "cortisone shot" for his "elbow injury."

• Just Like Me, They Long To Be, Close To You. Tony Clark and Eric Byrnes homered off of Chris Young as Arizona beat San Diego 9-1, the Diamondbacks coming to within .001 of the first-place Padres. My, that's close.

• A Pair Of Threes Beats An Ace. The New York Mets are back in control of this ship! Paul Lo Duca hit a pair of three-run homers and had seven RBI as the Mets beat the Reds 11-7, their fifth straight win. New York is five games ahead of Philadelphia in the East.

• Final Score? Or City Unemployment Rates?. The bats were relatively silent in the Oakland A's 16-10 win over the Detroit Tigers, namely because the bats were drowned out by this loud sucking noise emanating from the Tigers bullpen. Jack Cust hit a grand slam for the A's — part of an 8-run sixth inning — and wound up with 7 RBI in all. In fact, the only Tigers reliever who pitched a scoreless inning was Fernando Rodney. Go figure.

• Go Phil Hughrself. Cue the "Here come the Yankees" headlines. Wait ... they've already begun? Cue nothing then. The 21-year-old Phil Hughes shut down the Cleveland Indians lineup, allowing just one run over six innings in a 6-1 victory. Wilson Betemit did not contribute to this win.

• No, No, Throw Toward Your Teammate. After the first inning, the Philadelphia Phillies and Atlanta Braves were on pace to finish the game tied 36-36. This didn't happen, and I'm out a grand. The only other time home plate was stomped on was in the seventh, thanks to a throwing error. The Phillies won 5-4, vaulting ahead of the Braves in the NL East. (For second place.)

• Fun Fact: They Also Play On The West Coast. A pitchers duel between the Minnesota Twins (Scott Baker) and the LA Angels (Kelvim Escobar) ended in Baker's gun misfiring, prompting Maicer Izturis to hit his first ever grand slam. Isn't that how it always goes? The Angels won 10-1.

This might have something to do with it:

Cecil's financial woes came to light in 2004, during his divorce proceedings with Stacey. Each blamed the other for the family's financial ruin: Stacey pointed to Cecil's gambling; he cited her extravagant spending. Prince took Stacey's side, engaging in shouting matches with Cecil in the courtroom and over the phone. "Prince felt like he needed to protect his mother and become the man of the house, so we had some heated conversations," says Cecil. "Some bad things were said." Prince also accused his father of taking $200,000 of his signing bonus without permission. "My father is dead to me," he told The Detroit News in 2004.

It's a shame, too, because, as this old commercial shows, Pops and Prince used to be the best of pals. Alas.

Cecil Must Not Have Picked Up The Tab [The Fynal Cut]

A 12-4 loss to the Mets on Thursday left Milwaukee a percentage point behind the Cubs for first place, the Brewers now even scuffling among themselves. Catcher Johnny Estrada and manager Ned Yost had to be pulled apart during an altercation in the seventh, the Brewers going on to lose their 10th game in 14 tries. The Mets' Damion Easley had an inside-the-park homer in the sixth to tie it, and a run-scoring double by reliever Jorge Sosa (laugh track) in the seventh put New York on top. Here's the skinny on the blowup, courtesy the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. David Wright had four hits for the Mets, including his 19th homer in the fifth. Yes, the Brewers are now experiencing a rectal exam of a different sort.

• Next Stop, San Diego. Barry Bonds, no homer, Giants beat Dodgers 4-2. Not only has Bonds not come close to the fences in three games, but now he's using his family to deflect media criticism, according to some. How much uglier can this get?

• Always Be Closing. So it turns out that Eric Gagne will be closing for the Red Sox ... on days that Jonathan Papelbon needs rest, anyway. Let's just say you should probably get a lead before the eighth if you plan on beating Boston. In his debut, Gagne struck out the first two batters he faced in the ninth, gave up a bloop ground-rule double, a run-scoring single, then a fly out to end the game. Doug Mirabelli was 3-for-3 with a homer for Boston. Tim Wakefield (13-9) won his third consecutive start and sixth out of seven.

• It's Great To Be A Phillie ... Ow! In his debut with the Philadelphias, Kyle Lohse was hit in the right forearm by a line drive (Jacque Jones), lasting just one inning. Jayson Werth had four RBI to lead the Phils to a 10-6 win over the Cubs.

• Beware The Bat Of Jason Jennings. Read it and weep, American League; for you shall never know the wonder of the pinch-hitting pitcher. Or ... will you? Jason Jennings' pinch-hit, two-out single in the 14th inning drove in the winning run in Houston's 12-11 win over Atlanta. Jennings had been 1-for-17 entering the game.

But the most interesting development in this saga, actually, has occurred away from the field, as Bonds' attorney, Michael Rains, gave the U.S. Attorney's Office a little bulletin board material. In roughly the equivalent of poking a hibernating bear with a sharp stick, Rains told the New York Daily News: "I've kicked their ass in private, I'll continue to kick their ass in public." That's because prosecutors said recently that they think they have enough evidence to indict Bonds for perjury ... but not until September. So look for that, along with an all-new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO! But back to the game; Ryan Braun and Corey Hart had first-inning home runs off of Barry Zito (7-10), who has given up 21 first-inning runs in 20 starts.

• Devil Rays Decide To Disband, Try Harder Next Season. Children's book author and part-time stripper escort Alex Rodriguez helped pummel the helpless Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 21-4, with his 34th homer of the season for the Yankees. With two more dings, A-Rod will become the youngest to ever hit 500 homers (although 410 of those have come against Tampa Bay). The Yankees collected 25 hits on Sunday, after they had 20 in a 17-5 win on Saturday.

• The Mets, Keeping Your Hopes Up For No Good Reason Since 1987. Chip Ambres, which I always thought was what the Apaches used to make arrowheads, is in reality a rookie for the Mets. He singled home the go-ahead run in the 10th as New York beat the Dodgers 5-4, taking three of four in the series.

• It's Millar Time. Hey, look at this: Jeremy Guthrie allowed two hits over seven innings as the Orioles beat the Athletics 2-0. Kevin Millar and Jay Payton had a run-scoring singles for Baltimore. Of course, the Athletics are possibly the most disappointing team in the AL so far, but we won't get into that.

• A Mighty Wind. Fun fact: The Colorado Rockies haven't scored in 20 innings, and went 0-for-28 with runners in scoring position in a four-game series with the Nationals. Austin Kearns had a three-run homer in the eighth and four Washington pitchers combined on a second consecutive shutout, 3-0.

But this is really gonna happen, folks. So now we just track the balls.

We look for more stories like the one of this guy, who caught Bonds' first homer yesterday (and 752nd overall). He, of course, wasn't actually at the game.

JULY 19TH CUBS VS GIANTS CUBS WIN 9-8 [BallHawk]

Virtually everyone, even those who looked otherwise "normal", had a tail sticking out of their clothes in the back. Players and staff reported neighboring rooms generating loud animal noises, barking and other, deep into the night. At first it was kind of funny to see these people wandering around the downtown streets and filing into the hotel, but after the novelty wore off it just made everyone feel creepy. The "furries" seem harmless enough, but people who think they might be an animal trapped in a human body just are unnervingly odd, to say the least.

Perhaps this is why the Brewers struggled so much in Pittsburgh this week; it can be difficult to sleep when you're hearing howls of Furries all night. It can be difficult to sleep just thinking about it now, actually.

A Hair Raising Time In Pittsburgh [Brewers Radio Network]
Anthrocon Furry Convention [Wikipedia]

Notes from a day in baseball:

• Goodbye Barry? As a commenter mentioned yesterday, chances are that Prince Fielder, shown above, is not thinking about the home run he just hit, but rather of a stack of delicious pancakes that await him at home plate. It must be what motivated him toward an inside-the-park home run on Sunday, and it could be speeding up his home run trot here. Hey, better syrup than horse steroids, we always say (it's true; we always say that). On a day that The day after Barry Bonds hit career homer No. 748, Fielder and rookie pitcher Yovani Gallardo stole the show as Milwaukee beat the Giants 5-4. Fielder hit his NL-leading 26th home run and Gallardo was strong through 6 1/3 innings as San Francisco dropped its fifth in a row. Oh, and Gallardo also had a double in his first major league at-bat. The Giants have lost 17 of 23 overall. Now the San Jose Mercury News is saying that Bonds may be traded before the July 31 trading deadline, which would look very strange. The only thing less attractive to many fans about him breaking Aaron's record as a Giant would be him breaking it as a Yankee.

• We're Pretty Sure That Gandalf Helped Somehow. Your Chone Figgins update just got a lot bigger and bolder. Figgins got six hits, count 'em, including a game-winning triple in the ninth, as the Angels beat the host Astros 10-9. He drove in three runs, matching Garret Anderson's 1996 franchise record for hits in a game.

• John Maine, The Slider And You. Back home in the friendly confines, where John Maine feels comfortable and Mr. Met knows where all the restrooms are located. The Twins could only muster four hits in 7 2/3 innings off of Maine, as New York beat visiting Minnesota 8-1. Home runs by Carlos Delgado and Ricky Ledee highlighted a 15-hit attack.

• McCann Do Attitude. Brian McCann homered and drove in four runs off of Curt Schilling to lead the Braves past the Red Sox 9-4. Schilling didn't strike out anyone, the first time that's happened since 1993. McCann was coming off a 3-for-22 road trip.

The site includes a pledge list, where each promise-peer has signed up online. When pledging, signees fill out categories such as "name," "last time peed pants" and "favorite County Stadium memory", which we have been perusing with much glee. Here are a few from the latter category:

• "In the upper deck for a foul which hit 3 seats down. The lady was so excited to have it she didn't realize her son's face stopped the ball."

• "Bernie Brewer overshooting the landing."

• "Opening Day 96, in the upper grandstand I saw a pig head from a pig roast fly over my head and nail some unfortunate people sitting a couple rows in front of me."

And of course our favorite:

"Sep 9, 92 — my family to County Stadium. We parked farther west and walked through a cemetary. We split up- scaling a fence my dad fell and got knocked unconsciouse on a gravestone. I cried until my dad woke up and continued walking until we found my brother and mom covered in mud after falling down a ravine. We found the parking lot and made it to our seats covered in mud, scared as hell, with a huge lump on my dad's head to see Yount get his 3000th hit."

Your precious family ballpark memories may vary.

Pee Your Pants For The Brewers
Brewers Fans Are As Excited As A Tiny Puppy [Deadspin]

I remember there was a radio promotion a few years ago in Philadelphia that required a boyfriend to call in and convince his girlfriend to strip down and run nude up the Art Museum steps in order to win Eagles tickets. These types of promotions were pretty typical gimmicks used by radio stations in partnerships with the team's marketing department in order to give back to the fans.

Enter 2007, and the first place Milwaukee Brewers decided to give something back to their fans in the form of an invasive, latex'd finger (in a trailer, no less). As ugly as this sounds, it shows a shift in the mindset of major league teams in how they treat their fans. It also shows the seriousness of how important prostate exams are for men. Do you want your prostate to calcify? Me neither. If only I could figure out what exactly its function is — or, you know, where it is — I'd probably be more worried about it. I still think of it like this magic button that rests deep inside your rectum that, when pushed, triggers a geyser-like spooge able to shatter glass. You know, kind of like the turbo boost button. I'm almost certain I'm wrong in this assumption.

This prostate exam-for-tickets promotion is a watershed moment for baseball parks. This may be the end of all of those wacky radio promotions that used to give away free tickets. Instead of making fans do such undignified things like eat live toads or tattoo call letters on their face, it's all about having a more health-conscious and respectable fanbase. If the fans are all dropping dead of prostate cancer, there will be stadiums full of ladies and babies — and nobody wants that. Therefore, it'll be interesting to see what other kinds of health services the other ballparks do to keep up with those progressive beercheesers in Milwaukee.

So, this week, I'm polishing up my taint, firing up my proton knife and placing odds on the next health-oriented promotions for MLB teams.

Let's all sing "Moon River", after this jump.

Pap Smears at Anaheim Stadium: 3/1

Surprisingly, a pap smear is not just a villain from the Naked Gun or something you use to put on bagels: It's a medical procedure used to find changes in the cervix on woman that could hopefully detect cancer. Good to know. It's the female equivalent of a prostate exam, but a lot less invasive, given that you can apparently just use a popsicle stick and petri dish to get what you need. Most cervical problems are found within the Latino and African-American communities, which are very prominent in a city like Los Angeles and its surrounding areas. In fact, to sweeten the pot, all ladies who get their cervices poked would not only get free tickets, but also a life-sized Rally Monkey nicknamed "The Cervix Chimp."

Breast Exams at Camden Yards: 2/1

Boobs. Bazongas. Bologna bags. Whatever you call the fleshy mounds of party protruding from a lady's chest, it's important to realize just how prone those things are to getting cancer. Thankfully, most women can prevent it from being a serious, life-threatening issue if they just get themselves felt up on a regular basis. And what a better place to do that than Camden Yards? Typically it's one of the easiest ballparks to drag women to because of its old-timey atmosphere, lush green grass and fresh-squeezed lemonade. So, offering free tickets for a quick round of tune-in-Tokyo from a stranger in a white lab coat shouldn't be too hard to sell.

Testicular Cancer Check-Ups at Fenway Park: 1/2

Nothing embodies the spirit of a Red Sox fan more than the word "nodule." And what better way to get a free day at historic Fenway than having your peach basket diddled? Given how tough tickets are to get — plus, third baseman Mike Lowell is short-sacked — it makes perfect sense for the Sox organization to participate in such a promotion. In fact, it'd probably be more successful if Theo Epstein performed the procedure himself. Most of the male portion of Red Sox Nation had made a pact after 2004 that they'd "go gay" for Theo: Now's the time to pay up.

Coffee Enemas at AT & T Park: 4/1

How badly do you want tickets to see questionable history in person after Barry Bonds breaks the home run record? Well, drop your pants, sit in this chair with the hole in the seat and wait for the whirring sound. Although its health benefits are still under debate, you can't deny the fact that the best way to get rid of drunken bloat and toxins inside the body is a complete flush out. I'd imagine they'd have some kind of barge floating around McCovey Cove, most likely filled with crazed eBay sellers hoping for a chance to catch 756. This is both a way to weed out the real fans of the Giants and not just some treasure seekers taking up valuable real estate. So don't be surprised if you see an emaciated (but thoroughly refreshed!) Todd McFarlane wandering around the stadium.

Witness Pee Your Pants For The Brewers, a fan site that implores Brewers boosters to pledge their underpants to the cause. So far, 113 Brewers fans have vowed to urinate on themselves when the Brewers make the playoffs. Of course, one never knows what percentage of that 113 would be doing that anyway.

By the way, the Brewers are clearly getting too big for their britches: They're gonna be on "The Young And The Restless."

Pee Your Pants For The Brewers
Tuesday Bullets [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

You can't quite tell from that photo, because it's so small, but that guy's wearing a Brewers hat. The photo was taken in Madison, and is larger after the jump.)

From 7:00 am to 3:00 pm at Miller Park, the free, private, confidential screenings will take place in a mobile clinic vehicle near the TGI Friday's restaurant in the northeast corner of the ball park. No appointment is necessary. All participants who complete the screening will receive a voucher good for two tickets to a future Milwaukee Brewers home game.

So wait ... a rectal exam AND we get two free tickets? Win-win! When's the next flight to Milwaukee?

Brewers Kicking, Inspecting Ass [Bugs And Cranks]

• Trouble Brewing. The Pittsburgh Pirates are steamed at Prince Fielder, saying that he showed them up on Sunday. And believe us, you do not want to make the Pirates mad. Um