The Twins had long advertised a "Garage Sale," to clear out all the merchandise clogging up the basements and attics of the Metrodome, and indeed 15,000 fans showed up. (Yes, that's more people than at a good number of Twins games.) So what hidden treasures did fans line up around the parking lot for?

A few feet away, Centerville resident Kevin Peickert was lugging a life-sized cutout of Kent Hrbek that set him back $50. It was, he said, worth a 12-hour overnight wait.

"I knew you had to be here early to get the good stuff, because it was going to be gone right away," he said.

Twelve hours for a cardboard standup? Surely Mr. Peickert just had poor taste, and others did better.

After waiting outside the Dome since 4:30 a.m., Buffalo resident Ron Miller emerged triumphant a few minutes after the doors were open. His prize: a 30-foot banner commemorating the late Kirby Puckett's induction into the baseball Hall of Fame in 2000.

For now, though, the banner is "unfortunately" destined for a closet at home because Miller said he doesn't have a big enough place to display it.

The scene after the savage hordes had their way with the stash wasn't pretty:

Not much left but bobbleheads, Homer Hankys and refrigerator magnets," said Rusty Krentz, who drove three hours from her home in far western Minnesota to pick through the sale. "It was worth it, though."

The stuff, most of it ephemera, was piled on folding tables along 15 sections of the Dome's concourse. By noon, the pickings had gotten pretty slim.

Ball caps and straw hats went for $3, a bobblehead of TC, the team's furry mascot, cost $5. Logo-emblazoned socks: $4, and whiffle bats were $2.

This is the way the Metrodome ends. Not with a bang but a closeout sale.

Metrodome's Long, Good Buy [Star Tribune]

A lot of you took notice of this dude during Game 3 of the ALDS last night. He looks both shocked and amazed at ... something. Is it whatever he just ate out of that tinfoil package in front of him? Did the woman in the jester hat just tell him that she's only 17? Are the voices back?

Or did he just notice that he's watching a baseball game ... indoors. Like ... whoa, man. That's pretty heavy.

UPDATE: As a few commenters have pointed out, it looks like this is Chris Mars, former drummer of The Replacements, and his wife, Sally. Rock on, kids.

* * * * *

Welcome to another Monday. Was your weekend productive? Yeah, neither was mine.

Left field umpire Phil Cuzzi made one of the great all-time blunders last night when he called a ball that landed nearly a foot inside the baseline a foul ball even though he was standing just yards away and had the perfect angle on it.
(Click the photo to enlarge.) That turned a ground rule double into a strike and arguably cost the Twins a series-tying game against the Yankees. I say "arguably" because Mauer still reached base, the Twins still loaded them up with nobody out, and they still managed to not score a run. So who knows? It's kind of hard for me to get exercised about this, because there have been far worse crimes perpetrated on behalf of both the Yankees and the Twins. I'm over it, just don't look here for sympathy.

Still, what a terrible call. That's like NBA-level bad.

Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: Morning crap.

* * * * *

So we've got a full day of college football, more playoff games, and if you behave yourselves—maybe some WNBA talk. (Or not.) Grab some breakfast and then get comfortable. We've got a lot to cover.

Oh, come on now. Is this really necessary? Dave Dombrowski built the team, he knows what he did wrong. You don't need rub it in like that.

Geez, can't a guy suffer in peace?

[Pic submitted by MG]

* * * * *

Wednesday morning. Just look away....

•Despite MLB.com's merchandise on offer (thanks to reader Nathan for the screencap), the Twins won the right to get swept by the Yankees. If you want more details, I think Dash is still liveblogging the game.

•Shaq and LeBron looked good together in their first game, but call me after Shaq has 80 games on that odometer. And it's not a preseason game. Against the Bobcats.

•At least Miguel Cabrera's drinking led to a humorous police report in addition to what you've already read. In August, Cabrera "taunted an overweight 15-year-old boy" and had to be escorted out.

•A vendor died of a heart attack while servicing the coffeemaker in the Dodger Stadium press box yesterday, which can't bode well for the team. Or at least the media members who want coffee.

•It's Brett Favre news, but don't stop reading. The gunslinger was named the league's most overrated player in an unscientific poll of his peers.

•The Brooklyn Fishing Derby is being held this month, and it's a real thing. So that means the most likely catch, an empty can of StarKist, will not count.

•Courtesy of reader Jeffrey, we have a camerawoman getting a little too caught up in the excitement of the Twins' victory:

* * * * *

That was ... something. The Tigers sure know how to lose big. Credit to the Twins for their comebacks—all of them—and good luck getting to Yankee Stadium on time tomorrow. What a fucking game. I'm out of gas. On the bright side, no one will be hitting me with a cookie sheet anytime soon.

Oh, and the moral of the story? Never volunteer to live blog anything. Ever again.

Post-Game Music Selection:
"Baby, I'm A Star" by Prince. (as interpreted by eight-year-olds.
Alternate Music Selection: What else?

FINAL: Twins 6, Tigers 5, 12 innings

9:46: It's over. Casilla dribbles one to right. Kelly is no where near it and Gomez scores easily.

9:44: Cuddyer grounds to third. Inge makes a nifty play to get the out, but runner moves into scoring position. Delmon Young will be walked to get to Casilla.

9:41: Rodney is still going. Base hit by Gomez starts the 12th.

BOTTOM of the TWELFTH

9:38: Laird strikes out. Sad trombone.

9:35: Gerald Laird again comes to the plate in a clutch situation.

9:34: Giant chopper to second. Punto comes home and gets the force. Still tied. Bases still loaded. Two outs.

9:32: Chip Carey likes the term "fisted" to describe hits near the hands. Just sayin'

9:32: Inge is nearly hit by the first pitch (his baggy shirt was grazed) but the ump will have nothing of it. Worth a shot.

9:30: Rayburn intentionally walked. Inge hits with the bases loaded.

9:28: Don Muthafuckin' Kelly! Single to left center, the OF throws to third so Kelly advances to second. Cabrera on third. Still one out.

9:26: Miguel Cabrera draws a walk. I'm out of police/drunk jokes.

9:23: Clete Thomas—who subbed for Magglio Ordonez as a defensive replacement and has not had a ball hit anywhere near him—lines out to Gomez.

TOP of the TWEVTEHAVHA

8:19: Joe Mauer comes up hacking. Quick ground out to second and the game keeps going. Can some one bring me a sandwich?

9:18: And surprise! Cabrera strikes out looking. Any other game of the year and he gets run.

9:17: Orlando Cabrera picks an excellent time to complain about the strike zone. Sheesh.

9:15: See Ryan Rayburn. That's how you make a ridiculous diving catch. (Now don't ever do it again, Granderson!)

BOTTOM of the ELEVENTH

9:12: Bobby Keppel is the eighth Twins pitcher tonight and he gets Polanco to line out to second. That might be it.

9:09: Curtis Granderson strikes out. Mahay takes a seat. Hey, we paid for the pitchers we're going to use them!

9:06: It's Ron Mahay!

9:04: Adam Everett is out! K. Pitching change.

9:04: P.S. How happy are the Yankees, right now?

9:03: Adam Everett is up!

TOP of the ELEVENTH. Twins 5 - Tigers 5

9:01: Ryan Rayburn redeems himself. Catches a shallow fly ball from Punto and then guns down Alexi Casilla at the plate on the tag up. Inning over.

9:00: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

8:57: Chopper up the middle evades Polanco. Cuddyer scores. Runners at the corners.

8:56: Tigers looking for double play.

8:55: Harris walks and Rodney throws like a madman. Conference time.

8:52: Young chops one to short. Not enough to score the run. 1 out.

8:51: Ryan Rayburn makes one of the all-time bone head plays, trying to dive for a shoe string catch. The ball gets past him all the way to the wall and Cuddyer has a lead off triple. Unbelievable.

8:49: Rodney vs. Cuddyer, Young and Harris

BOTTOM of the TENTH. Score: Tigers 5 - Twins 4

8:46: Laird grounds out again. Inning over. One more chance for Minnesota.

8:46: Inge laces a double to left and "Wheels" Kelly comes all the way around to score. 5-4 Tigers. Wow.

8:43: Rayburn takes a big swing at strike three. Two outs.

8:40: Aubrey Huff pinch hits and gets hit. Knicked on the lower leg—thank you, bell bottoms!—and he takes his base. Don Kelly pinch runs.

8:38: Jesse Crain replaces Nathan and gets Miguel Cabrera to ground to short. Cuddyer saves a wild throw by Orlando C. and makes the tag. (Updates fast and furious now.)

TOP of the TENTH
Musical Suggestion: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne

8:35: Gomez grounds to Everett at short. Extra innings. Wow.

8:35: BTW, Carlos Gomez is now hitting where Kubel was.

8:34: Mauer is walked. Amazing play by Inge to nail Cabrera at first and keep the runner on second.

8:33: Brandon Inge makes a miracle stop to save the game! Robs Cabrera of a potential game winning hit. Mauer will almost certainly be walked.

8:31: Pitching change. Fernando Rodney coming in.

8:30: Span sacrifices. Punto to second. One out. Cabrera up, Mauer on deck.

8:29: Punto walks. Season-winning run on board.

8:27: Ok. I'm going to attempt to be professional and put that aside for now. Punto working on the 10th pitch of his at bat.

8:26: Come on, TBS. Not one serviceable replay of Granderson getting doubled off first? Seriously?

BOTTOM of the NINTH

8:24: Give me another minute here.

8:23: Ummmm.

8:19: Gulp. Polanco strikes out on a VERY inside slider. ohhhhhh

8:15: Granderson apparently owns Joe Nathan. HUUUGE hit to right. 1st and 3rd. No outs.

8:12: HOLY COW, RAMON SANTIAGO. A bunt single off Joe Nathan? TASTE THE GRIT!

TOP of the NINTH Score: Twins 4, Tigers 4
Musical Suggestion: "Burning Heart" by Survivor

8:09: Lyon gets a big strikeout. And ... I'm spent.

8:07: Two big chopping grounders and Lyon has two outs. I must have been imagining that screeching noise and smell of burnt rubber.

BOTTOM of the EIGHTH

8:02: Laird definitely pulled something trying to layoff that cutter. Yes, he's very out.

7:59: Nathan is in and he takes care of Inge easily. Two down. And Laird is up.... sigh.

7:57: Just another thought. Is Craig Sager still there? Has he made even one "sideline" report since the first inning?

7:54: Ryan Rayburn battling ... battling ... and walk. 1st and 2nd, 1 out. Pitching change.

7:48: A walk to Guillen (after Cabrera's ground out) brings a visit from the pitching coach. And NOW Joe Nathan is warming up. (Shakes head slowly...)

7:46: "Like the great City of Detroit, don't count out these Tigers." Do the Tigers also get a standing 42-year count?

7:43: I swear I wrote that last sentence before Magglio Ordonez ripped a game-tying home run. Honest!

7:42: Just a thought. The Tigers have their three, four and five hitters coming up. It's the eighth inning, but wouldn't it make sense for the Twins to bring their closer in now? I know that's thinking drastically outside the box, but.....

TOP of the EIGHTH. Score: Twins 4, Tigers 3
Musical Suggestion: "Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads

7:40: Lyon gets Cuddyer to surrender with a weak dribbler. Inning over.

7:37: Kuble skies one to Granderson. Two outs and Ni is done. Now Brandon Lyon will do ... what, exactly? I'm sure that rattling noise was just something in the road. I wouldn't worry about it.

7:35: Miner is finally asked to leave the building. Fu-Te Ni will try something now.

7:32: Mauer singles. Does that lug nut look loose to you?

7:30: Orlando Freakin' Cabrera ... of all people ... two-run home run. Twins lead. And he still has to deal with Joe Mauer.

7:28: Twins decide not to play small ball with Denard Span ... and he strikes out. Did Gardenhire lose The Book?

7:27: Miner faces Punto in an epic at bat. Yes, really. Lead off single.

BOTTOM of the SEVENTH

MIDDLE of the SEVENTH
Musical Suggestion: "Take Me Out To The Ball Game"

7:20: Polanco grounds weekly to short. It took four pitchers but the Twins escape with no further damage. Someone please open a window or something.

7:15: Granderson battles a full count then rips a single to right. 1st and 3rd with two outs for Polanco. Mijares is gone. Matt Guerrier is in.

7:11: Rauch gets his two outs and sits. Granderson will face Jose Mijares. (Confidential to Ben: Walk over to Leitch's desk and ask him. I hear he's got pull over there.)

7:09: Jon Rauch replaces Baker and tricks Gerald Laird into a botched bunt flyout. He's the goat. Even if they win.

7:07: Inge battles for a lead off walk and Baker is chased.

Speaking of existential crises, Ben Mathis-Lilley of NY Mag writes to say that MLB.tv has turned his life into a Kafka short story. The man just wants to watch a baseball game at work and instead he gets incomprehensible camera angles and more Ron Darling than should be allowed. The horror.....

TOP of the SEVENTH. Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 2
Musical Selection: "Fever" by Peggy Lee

7:00: Tolbert cranks one to center but Granderson pulls it in. Bullet dodged. This time. The Tigers' unpredictable bullpen turns every at bat from here on out into an existential crisis.

6:58: Oh Zach. Brendan Harris pinch hits and doesn't even get the bat off his shoulder before getting plunked. Bases loaded for Matt Tolbert.

6:57: Huge bloop of a base hit for Delmon Young. Runners at the corners. 2 out. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car.

6:54: In the first true high-pressure at bat of the game, Procello walks Cuddyer and immediately gets pulled by Jim Leyland. What a performance for a 20-year-old rookie, though.

Zach Miner will replace him. Here we go.....

6:49: The rookie rings up Mauer and just when you think Porcello has the answer ... Jason Kubel changes the question. Upper deck home run. 3-2.

6:47: Eight in a row retired by Porcello. Can he make it once around with Mauer?

BOTTOM of the SIXTH:

6:44: MORE POPUPS! Baker works his way through the inning quickly. I should probably move up my dinner reservation.

6:43: Cabrera starts the inning by not hurting anyone. A mixed blessing?

TOP of the SIXTH. Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 1
Musical Suggestion: "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth

6:39: Cheer up, Dave! Your team is ahead!

6:37: Strikeout. Groundout. Porcello's is cruising now. He's younger than Ralph Branca! Or something.

BOTTOM of the FIFTH

6:33: And then the inning ends. How many jobs did that cost the D?

6:32: Yes! It took five innings, but we finally got our first "what would this mean to the City of Detroit" discussion. I knew Chip and Ron wouldn't let me down. Of course, they could not provide an actual answer to that question, because you can't build trucks out of baseballs.

6:30: A hit! (Polanco to center.) That's something fun!

6:30: Another pop up. This time to Cuddyer. Two down. (Don't mention the football game, don't mention the football game....)

6:27: Santiago is out on a fly ball behind third. The pace of the game has slowed down a bit, which is unfortunate because Righteous Rick was my only anecdote.

TOP of the FIFTH. Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 1
Musical Suggestion: "Higher and Higher" by Jackie Wilson

6:24: Flyout to second, followed by another strikeout of Morales.

6:21: Cuddyer is Procello's fifth strikeout of the game. He's looking very sharp, but how many pitches does he have in him? Once we get to the Tiger bullpen, all bets are off.

6:19: Did Leitch call me a Clarabell this morning? What does that even mean?

BOTTOM of the FOURTH, Score: Tigers 3 - Twins 1

6:17: 5-4-3 double play for Gerald Laird, despite a very hard slide by Rayburn. The catcher is not doing well.

6:15: Brandon Inge pops out to first. One down. Still haven't seen a bunt, which would blow Joe Morgan's mind if he was actually watching this game.

6:12: Bob Keppel is warming up for the Twins. It's safe to say these guys are on very short leashes.

6:11: Another hit for Rayburn starts the fourth. Why does Ron Gardenhire always look like he'd rather be driving a tractor somewhere?

TOP of the FOURTH Musical Suggestion: "Alex Chilton" by The Replacements

6:07: Mauer walks. Zach Miner starts warming up, but Kubel fans on a fastball. We've got a game.

6:03: Or maybe Mauer can just stand there. Procello's pick off throw bounces off the first base coach and Tolbert scores from third. 3-1.

6:01: Cabrera files out to right, but deep enough to for Tolbert to tag and reach third. Now it's all up to Mauer.

5:59: Porcello sits down Nick Punto, but Span singles. 1st and 2nd with 1 out for Orlando Cabrera. Mauer on deck.

5:56: Inge saves extra bases with a great diving stop, but Matt Tolbert reaches on an infield single. He's like Minnesota's version of the Rally Monkey.

BOTTOM of the THIRD

5:52: Baker gets Guillen swinging to get out of the inning. There's a lot of baseball left, so let's not lose our heads, people.

5:50: Wow. Maybe Miguel Cabrera should get arrested more often. A towering two-run jack gives Detroit a 3-0 lead.

5:49: A deafening silence at the Metrodome, says Chip Carey. Maybe that's because he's wearing headphones?

5:47: MAGGLIO! Base hit to right center brings in Granderson. 1-0 Tigers.

5:45: Granderson narrowly avoids getting doubled up at second base, but can't break up the throw to first that gets Polanco. Runner at second, two outs.

5:41: Santiago flies out to center, followed by a Granderson walk. By the way, remember Rick, the Henry Rollins look-alike who de-pantsed a handsy Detroit Lions fan? Apparently, he's become a "minor celebrity" on Detroit talk radio and is now known as "Righteous Rick." I'm not making that up.

TOP of the THIRD Musical Suggestion: "The Ballad of El Goodo" by Big Star

5:37: Jose Morales gets mowed down on three pitches before I can tell you that Delmon Young got mowed down on four. We might get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.

5:35: Cuddyer grounds out to third to start the inning. Three ground ball out for Porcello. Why isn't the turf helping Minnesota more?

BOTTOM of the SECOND

5:31: Shockingly, Gerald Laird also fails to deliver. Pops out behind to shall left and the threat is shut down. What have we learned so far?

5:30: Inge hits a laser (not really, more like a masse shot) to short, but Cabrera snares it and nobody is going anywhere.

5:27: A Texas leaguer from Ryan Rayburn puts runners at the corners with one out. Baker is dancing around Brandon Inge, believe it or not.

5:26: Carlos Guillen fails to move the runner. NEEDS MORE SMALL BALL!

5:24: Tipsy McStagger jumps all over the 1-2 pitch (double to the gap) and the Tigers are business.

TOP of the SECOND Musical Suggestion: "Fooled Around and Fell In Love" by Elvin Bishop

5:20: Kubel gets handcuffed and flies weakly to short. CRISIS AVERTED!

5:19: Mauer breaks up the no-hitter with a shot in the gap and than Jeters it into a double. But is that real leadership?

5:17: Denard Span starts things off with a groundout to first. Orlando Cabrera answers with a grounder to short. I'm having trouble picking up whatever frequency Ron Darling is using.

5:14: I guess George Lopez is TBS's new workhorse. I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss Caliendo.

BOTTOM of the FIRST

5:12: Magglio Ordonez had his $18 million contract resolved "favorably." Yes, that's one way to put it. 0-1 is another. F-9.

5:10: Holy cow! Fans in the upper deck. How can they leave this place? (That's a strikeout of Polanco. Two down.)

5:09: Baker works Curtis Granderson into a pop out to start the game. Woe betide the Motor City!

TOP OF THE FIRST

5:07: Nice purple blazer, Sager! Did you join the Revolution you, biased homer sell out?! Why I ... Oh right.

This is actually the second year in a row that I've live blogged a divisional tie-breaker involving the Twins so that officially makes it a tradition! So many memories ... so many exclamation points! Anyway! The Tigers have been in first place since May 10 and led by as many as seven a month ago. Yet here we are. Tied in Game 163. The Twins just kept plugging along, playing better and better, but just flawed enough to not win outright. They're led by the probable AL MVP and the Tigers have this drunk guy. Again, they're basically even.

The Tigers send rookie Rick Porcello and the Twins counter with Scott Baker. Oh, and it's on TBS if you can remember where that is on your cable system. I hope Frank TV is on later!

Pre-Game Musical Suggestion: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones

Three games down with four to play? No one has ever come back from that. It's impossible, really. I mean, it would take a pretty pathetic baseball squad to choke away a lead that big! I'm not sure if any team that terrible exists.

Oh, wait. They very much do. All the Twins had to do was win four games in a row, beat the (probable) AL Cy Young Award winner and then hope the Tigers lost two of three to the White Sox at home. Actually, the way Detroit has been playing the only miracle is that the Twins haven't already clinched the division. Instead, they get one more big game at their dying stadium—a place that has been very friendly for them in the past, especially in against the Tigers. (7-2 this year and I'm already having nightmares of Juan Berenguer.)

And of course, Brett Favre is involved! Thanks to Monday night's brainsmasher against the Packers, the Twins will get an extra day of rest, the Tigers get an extra day to contemplate the futility of the universe, and the Dome's life as a multi-purpose stadium gets a dramatic two-day retirement party. It's good to be in Minnesota, I guess. Especially if you enjoy murdering the last hope and dream of a dying American city.

Hope you're happy, you heartless cretins.

Power, confidence evident in rout of Royals [Star-Tribune]
Twins gladly invite Tigers to the 'Dome [Dan Wetzel]
Mitch Albom: Justin Verlander saves the day — for another day [Free Press]
Ode to Dan Barreiro [Bugs and Cranks]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Brandon Marshall: Hey, remember when this guy was a clubhouse cancer? Now he and idiot-child Josh McDaniels are BFF and the freakin' Broncos are 4-0. Marshall's dramatic 51-yard touchdown killed America's (Most Hated) Team and made us all warm and fuzzy. Trade demand? What trade demand? [Boston Herald]

Jay Cutler: Hey, remember when this guy was a clubhouse cancer? Since his horrifying opening game, Cutler has thrown 7 touchdowns and just one pick and the Bears are looking good at 3-1. And he's now being compared to John Elway, which probably just blew your mind all over the back of your chair. [Chicago Tribune/Denver Post]

People Who Hate Fun: Georgia wide receiver A.J. Green made a ridiculous, life-defining touchdown catch to give his team a one-point lead in the final minute of a crucial conference game against a hated rival—and then got penalized 15 yards for drawing attention to himself. The field position helped LSU rally for the win and we all learned a valuable lesson about never enjoying sports. Ever. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

Alexis Thompson: The 14-year-old held the 36-hole lead at the Navistar LPGA Classic and even though she eventually finished the tourney in 27th place, has got to have folks wondering how quickly they can unload their Michelle Wie bobbleheads. (She finished tied for second, as if anyone gave a crap.) [American Chronicle]

Non-Selective Agriculture Schools: I guess Rich Rodriguez's crew could have used a couple more illegal practices. [Michigan Daily]

The Dodgers kept things interesting down the stretch in the NL West with an untimely five-game losing streak. However all that is forgotten after last night's division clinching 5-0 win over Colorado. That leaves the Rockies as the NL Wild Card, meaning they'll begin the playoffs in Philadelphia on Wednesday. The Dodgers will travel to host St. Louis in the other NLDS series.

With one day left in the regular season the Minnesota Twins have pulled even with the reeling Detroit Tigers in the AL Central. In somewhat related news, Miggy Cabrera may or may not have engaged in a scuffle with a large dog. Also he went 0-4 in last night's most recent loss. The Tigers have Justin Verlander on the mound this afternoon going against John Danks and the White Sox.

Michael Cuddyer's 8th inning home run lifted the Twins to another crucial win. They'll face the Kansas City Royals about an hour after the Tigers and Sox take the field. If the teams can't break their tie they'll meet for a single game to determine who wins the division and moves on to the playoffs.

Because holy shit, baseball season isn't long enough as it is.

And then Mike Jacobs hit a solo home run, because the Royals are still in it.

The Twins will most likely lose the AL Central race at home next Tuesday, probably in the 12th inning.

The clip is from the Twins' 6-5 loss to Detroit on Tuesday (with excellent captioning by one Tony Faust, a 28-year-old graphic designer living in Maple Grove, Minn. — a Twins fan, as it turns out). The team is denying everything, of course. Via Joe Christensen of the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

"That video's a joke!" Justin Morneau said.

"That's why we're three games back — we're stealing signs," Manager Ron Gardenhire said . "We scored two runs last night, we stole a lot of signs."

[...]

But Tigers catcher Gerald Laird, another prominent player in the YouTube clip, told reporters the Twins have a reputation for being masters at stealing signs.

"That's what they're known for," Laird told the Washington Post.

"That's the best they can come up with? Chrysler," Gardenhire said.

The Twins apparently were besieged with questions about the video, which means it's inevitable that Joe Mauer's neat little bit of time-honored gamesmanship will now be fashioned into a shouty morality play for the sports-talk-radio set. Chrysler, indeed.

Twins amused, offended by You Tube clip alleging Mauer stole signs [Star Tribune]
Did Joe Mauer steal signs for Jason Kubel on Tuesday night? (Update) [Star Tribune]
Joe Mauer Will Do Anything To Win, Including Cheating? [Total Pro Sports]

The Tigers and Twins will play two today, so psyche yourself up, will ya! Of course, if either one of these teams had put in the slightest bit of effort they could have run away with this sad division weeks ago. But hey... pennant race! We will have meaningful baseball in September even if it kills us all. And it might.

(P.S. Don't the let the Braves fool you either. Sure, they're only two back of the Rockies in the Wild Card, but their "Team Of Destiny Index Rating" (TODIR) is quite low.)

Nick Blackburn and Rick Porcello start if off right now and it's Brian Duensing vs. Justin Verlander in the nightcap, so if you can find it in your hearts to pay attention to baseball today that would really help the sport out a lot. Pretty please? One of the teams has to be heroically defeated by Derek Jeter next week, so you might as well get to know them now.

Minnesota vs. Detroit - September 29, 2009 [MLB Gameday]
Twins-Tigers race figures to go to the wire [Fox Sports]

A shot to the Dome: The Metrodome opened in 1982 and now lies hideously on the Minneapolis skyline like some discarded and infested curbside mattress. The stadium has nevertheless served its purpose well, offering Minnesotans an exquisite venue for the enjoyment of monster-truck rallies. As a ballpark, its deformities have always been plain to see. The trash-bag outfield. The trampoline turf. Kirby Puckett. Whenever someone draws up a list of baseball's worst stadiums, the Metrodome always makes the cut. Billy Martin is said to have once wondered aloud how anyone "could name someone like Hubert Humphrey after such a dump." And the absolute worst thing about the Metrodome? It won't be around much longer.

For all its faults, the Metrodome has one distinct advantage over every other ballpark in America: It's actually a good deal. "An old-fashioned lease in a newish stadium," is how Judith Grant Long, an urban planner, put it. That's not to say there weren't plenty of unsavory aspects to the stadium deal, which was struck more or less by a cabal of civic-minded old rich guys who styled themselves an urban growth coalition and treated the Twin Cities like their own personal Monopoly board. (Among them was the publisher of the Minneapolis Star Tribune, who in the 1970s was so deeply in the tank for the Metrodome deal that a handful of the newspaper's staffers took out a full-page ad distancing themselves from their own paper's coverage.) It was a baseball urban-renewal project before baseball urban-renewal projects meant dropping a cutesy brick ballpark next to a dowtown Banana Republic; if it fell short of actually renewing anything, it at least did so at relatively little cost to the public purse. For one thing, the stadium was strictly a utilitarian undetaking, built on time and (shockingly) under budget. "Get fans in, let 'em see a game, and let 'em go home," a team official once said, long before the advent of the stadium-as-department-store. "That's all we want from a stadium." Today, according to Long's research, it's the cheapest ballpark around, with the government more than recouping the initial outlay for construction through the most favorable lease in sports. The public gets a large chunk of concessions revenues, a quarter of stadium ad revenue and 100 percent of parking fees. (All this comes from a Baseball Prospectus story, which subscribers can read here.) As of 2005, the Metrodome had actually turned a $100 million profit for Minnesotans.

Next year, the Twins move into Populous-designed Target Field. It is everything the Metrodome is not. Open-air. Clean sight lines. Unimposing. Pretty. The word that gets thrown around by the Twins and their architects is "intimate," which, as we've noted before, is really just a new-age con whereby owners pump up ticket prices by slashing seating capacity and then pretend they just did fans a favor. One early review describes Target Field as a "family-oriented entertainment destination," which suggests that the Twins will now be playing in a Chuck E. Cheese. Get wealthy fans in, let 'em do everything but watch a game, and let 'em go home only after buying a bunch of officially licensed merchandise.

The view from the stands (everything sic'd):

A couple of years ago I was watching the beloved local nine at the Dome with my brother, and apparently this was the day the home plate umpire decided not to sesh before the game and alleviate his advanced-stage glaucoma. After calling the third consecutive six-strike walk to load the bases, my brother and I screamed in (profanity-free, mind you-we know our audience) unison, "OH COME ON!!!"

And at that G-rated outburst, every single person-every man, woman and child alike sitting below us in our section-turned their heads in synchronous, counterclockwise, Hitchcockian slow motion to stare at us in their silent, furious, six-hundred eyed judgment. All because we had apparently ruined the tranquil atmosphere of the ballpark by being, well, fairly well behaved baseball fans.

It's emblematic of Beyond Metrodome: two parts of the psychic apparatus enter, one part leaves. Here, you are entering the id-versus-superego crucible, and in the Land of 10,000 Manifestations of Passive Aggressive Behavior, the don't act out/don't rock the boat/don't have fun superego has a scandalous Dome-field advantage. For every Twins fan who exhibits certain actions that fall under the rubric of demonstrative, totally acceptable public displays of emotion-you know: arguing obviously shitty calls, cheering for the home team, laughter and, uh, joy, etc.-they will inevitably encounter the legion of moralizing goons bent on transforming an afternoon at the game into the largest Lutheran Bible camp in Western Civilization. And for the Legion, any outburst that rises above the decibel level of the mild susurrations typically reserved for one's local library is regarded as a rank crime of passion and met with shame-inducing scorn. There's a code of conduct here, people. You better observe it.

And you wonder why you hear such an echo in there. Good times, indeed.

The fact is that, for all the Homer Hankie-waving, bloody eardrum-screaming fervent fan myths of yore, a typical Twins game at the Dome will yield more reprimands of "Down in front!" if you dare to stand during the 2-out, full count, possibly final at bat of a tense, hella exciting Joe Nathan save situation than should ever, ever actually happen. That's not the acrid odor of stale hotdogs and cheap beer you're inhaling in the Dome. That's "Minnesota Nice." And if you're not careful, you just might suffocate from it. To wit, too many Minnesotans keep it all inside a double-walled, Teflon-coated monstrosity that is completely unnatural and ugly as hell. And their baseball is no exception. (Brad Failor)

The second job I ever had was as an usher at the Metrodome. This was during the latter half of high school between 1988-1990.

One day, I was one of the guys working in the lower level center field section. Somebody gets a beach ball going in the section.

As the work rule goes, if you see a beach ball being batted around, confiscate it.

As MY rule goes, don't even bother. I can't tell you how many times I would be working, say, along the first baseline seats and see a hapless usher get caught up in a big game of keep away. It's you vs. a few thousand drunks and, if it's a slow game, you can bet the whole stadium is going to watch and laugh.

Since I'm the fat kid, I should also be able to be lazy and have no one question it. Look at Tubby not chasing the ball. But of course, the dickhead supervisor with a moustache tells me to get the ball, and soon enough it's keep away time. I'm up the steps, down the steps, jogging down rows of seats, being taunted by assholes loaded on 3.2 beer. And sure enough, the Twins are either winning or losing big so I'm the fun of the 7th inning.

Eventually, the ball ends up in some empty seats. Two six year olds chase it down to launch it back into play. I, panting and sweaty, point and bellow with all of my authority "DON'T TOUCH THAT BALL!"

The kids are the only folks in the entire stadium scared of a minimum-wage earning fat boy in a lousy red blazer, leaving me to grab the ball and take it away.

And then, the inevitable happens.

The sound starts in the outfield, but eventually consumes most of the stadium save for the outfield upper deck which was blind to the whole keep away. It's a low, but loud register of disgust.

Either that or I have now changed my name to BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I've had enough, so I ham it up. "Thank you!" I yell, thrusting my hands above my head. I've got the ball. It's my trophy. I think I pop it right there but I don't remember. I do wave and blow kisses, that much is sure.

I hate people. (Jason Josephes)

It's basically like watching a baseball game in a broken refrigerator. Covered in urine. (Derek G.)

Why does my neck hurt? It's because I just attended a game at the Metrodome. Since it is a football stadium, all of the seats face forward. That's great if you are seated behind home plate. Not great if you are seated along the 3rd baseline. In order to see home plate, you have to crank your neck to some ungodly 110% angle. (Tracy T.)

This one involves the return of Chuck Knoblauch. Upon his return to the great state of Minnesota and the "Dome" Knoblauch entered the game as the left fielder and had no clue what was about to happen. There were no cheers given out to this poor man who has since forgotten how to throw from second to first base. He was received with an abundance of boos and showered with garbage. I was in college at the time, so for that reason I was in the cheap seats ($5 a pop) and with a couple buddies. Even though we paid more for the beer than the ticket we decided to indulge in a few brews and enjoy ourselves a little too much. After the debris had been cleared from the field and Tom Kelly made his appearance on the field to calm the fans down Mr. Gordon (PA announcer) made a statement with regards to the game being called if this behavior continued. Not more than 10 seconds after that a hot dog left the hand of my buddy and landed just short of Mr. Knoblauch's feet. Being inebriated, we thought this was the funniest thing ever and high fives were passed around from fans all around until we were kindly escorted out of the building. After some time with the cops no charges were filed and we were free to go. (Brad)

If you can find video of the game played in the spring of 2001 between the Yankees and the Twins you don't even need to write a column, it was the greatest baseball game ever played. It was student night, $1 dog night, $3 beer night, and Chuck Knoblachs first game playing left field after almost impaling Keith Olbermans mom on a routine throw from second to first. It was a conflagration waiting to happen. I was in high school and I remember every person I talked to was going to this game. Two innings in people started tossing hot dogs at Knobby, and soon after the flood gates opened and the teflon sky was filled with flying dogs. The game had to stop, Torre and Gardenhire came out to plead with the fans to stop...the tossing continued. The late great Bob Casey came over the PA and channeled the anger of a 75 year old man who didn't get his warm milk before bed "This is a championship game, if fans do not refrain from throwing garbage on the field the Minnesota Twins will have to forfeit the game." The game was halted for about 45 minutes total. To this day every person I know from Minneapolis when asked what was the greatest game played at the dome will reference this this game in the same breath as Game 7 of the '91 World Series...I'm proud to say I attended both. (Andy S.)

There's a swastika in the middle of the dome. This cannot be stressed enough. (Steve M.)

Next up: The Seattle Mariners' Safeco Field. Got any horrible experiences to share? Send them to craggs@deadspin.com.

Tichenor has actually had a couple of cups of coffee in the majors, umping 81 games in 2007 and 2008, but he was brought back up from AAA to fill-in for Ed Montague at the Metrodome on Thursday and he did not waste any time breaking out the thumbs. In the span of one frame he tossed both catchers and both their managers for (barely) arguing calls. It seems that Todd very much likes to pull the chain.

It started in the top of the seventh when he tossed noted hothead Mike Redmond (12 seasons in the majors with no ejections) after he objected to a close play at the play—that Tichenor clearly got wrong. When Ron Gardenhire went out to object, he didn't fare much better.

"I thought Red was emotional, sure," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said. "He jumped up, but he's just going to argue a little call. I just thought [Tichenor] pulled the trigger too quick, that's all."

Arguing about about a quick ejection? You better believe that's an ejection.

Ump an equal-opportunity ejector [Star-Tribune]
Jason Varitek, Terry Francona get the ol' heave ho [Boston Herald]
Ejections appear way off base [Boston Globe]
Outta here! Tichenor hits an umpire's grand slam [Big League Stew]
Todd Tichenor Practices Umpiring Prior to Twins v Red Sox [Bob's Blitz]

The Twins played great all weekend...right up until the point where they lost. Three walk-off wins in three days for New York, plus redemption for the world's biggest A-Hole. Oh, and they somehow cured a little girl's broken heart too.

It was Alex Rodriguez's first series in the new Yankee Stadium and he hit the game-winning homer on Saturday night, so everything's cool with him now. The whip/shaving cream pie in the face is actually an Aztec tradition that is historically given to a tribal chieftain after he has ritually sacrificed the wrong virgin and is meant to signify, "It's all good." That whole embarrassing scandal thing is totally behind us all now. Then Johnny Damon hit a walk-off homer of his own on Sunday and was rewarded with a fake WWE championship belt, which has the same street value as a World Series ring. His parents must be very proud.

So the Twins are now 3-22 in New York under Gardenhire and their terrible lost weekend isn't even over yet! There's a fourth game in this series tonight. How will they lose this one? Walk-off balk? Miss their subway stop? Swine flu?

By the way—the sick little girl who gave Brett Gardner a magical talisman that summons Aslan The Lion to his defense when legging out triples? She got her new heart on Saturday after waiting 107 days on the transplant list, proving that $2,500 baseball tickets are good for America.

Yanks continue walk-off party vs. Twins [MLB]
Another walk-off loss: Did the Twins offend Babe Ruth? [Star Tribune]
What a reward for Gardner: His little fan gets new heart [Newsday]
A Weekend in Hell('s Kitchen) [Bugs and Cranks]