Realizing that anything can be successful and make millions of dollars if you just attach Tebow's name to it, the Miracle, a Twins single-A affiliate, had quite a night of reverent revelry planned for us all:

•Promise rings given out to all fans.
•Coaches getting out of jams by asking themselves "What would Tim Tebow do?"
•A jump-pass to the catcher as the ceremonial first pitch.
•A mock circumcision celebrating his missionary work.
•A local construction worker named Timothy Tebo attempting to walk on water.

I am not making any of these things up.

But we were deprived of much of the fun by that old 1-2 punch of threatened litigation and acts of God. First the circumcision was nixed due to questions of taste. Then Florida sent a letter to the team putting a kibosh on any Tebow references:

Under NCAA rules it is not permissible to use the name or picture of a student-athlete in the promotion of a commercial product or service," the e-mail from Jamie McCloskey, UF senior associate athletic director said. "This would include the promotion and marketing of What Would Tim Tebow Do? Night."

So the promotion was changed to "Would Would T.T. Do?" Doesn't have the same ring, but it gets the job done. Still, Someone was not too happy with the shots at His second begotten son.

A funnel cloud could be seen with the naked eye, prompting some fans to question whether or not the big man upstairs was sending a warning to the Miracle for mocking Tebow, who is often referred to by Florida football fans as "The Chosen One."

Andrew Wynot, a Florida fan who attended his first Miracle game because of the promotion, said he didn't buy the speculation, saying that Tebow would never use destruction as a form of vengeance.

"I think Tim Tebow is a fan of anything related to getting his name out there," Wynot said. "I don't think Tim Tebow would send destruction on us."

I think an old Jim Croce song is appropriate here.

You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with Tim

Tebow: The Minor League Baseball Gimmick [TimTeblog]
UF Sacks Miracle's 'What Would Tim Tebow Do?' Night [Naples Daily News]

When the real thing was served up Thursday, the spectacle drew a mix of reactions. Children were afraid.
"It's scary, almost," said 12-year-old Aaron Wisner, of Grand Rapids. Women were mortified. "Oh, my God, it looks horrible. I'm going to take a picture of it," said Leslie Rader, 22, of Walker.

Yes, children were afraid.

On the whole, however, the giant burger was no match for Whitecaps fans, 17 of whom completed the entire thing in a special picnic table area of Fifth Third Ballpark during Opening Day on Thursday. Witness the glory below:

Steve Landis, 16, was the first to finish.

As the Kenowa Hills High School student neared the end, he ferociously forked up toppings to become the first Fifth Third Burger challenge winner. "I wasn't quite sure. Should I be proud of him or not?" said his mom, 43-year-old Barb Landis.

His father, 45-year-old Dick Landis, insisted an empty stomach wasn't the key to his success. He said his son warmed up by eating a hearty breakfast and following that up with a trip to a Chinese buffet for lunch.

Meanwhile, the commenters at MLive.com turned the burger story into a debate over the pirates in Somalia. So predictable.

Giant Fifth Third Burger Served Up At Whitecaps Opener; 17 Manage To Eat The Whole Thing [Grand Rapids Press]

Whitecaps director of marketing Mickey Graham never thought that he'd be spending the better part of the past two weeks defending a giant hamburger. But the team's Fifth Third Burger, a gargantuan meal to be offered in the Whitecaps' concession area this season, has drawn attacks from both a vegan advocacy group, and the fine folks at PETA. The latter is demanding that the Whitecaps also include a Fifth Third Veggie Burger on its menu.

"Just when you think that the news cycle is over on this, something else comes up," Whitecaps' director of marketing Mickey Graham told me by phone. "Originally we thought this burger idea would be funny, and get people talking for a little while. But we're still getting emails by the hour. Most people love it.

"We don't really expect one person to eat the entire burger," Graham said. "Most people will divide it among the family; chop it up into four pieces."

The Class A, Midwest League team now has a new promotion beyond the outfield wall to compliment the burger: A giant plunger that moves up and down and shoots water onto fans (video here). No word yet on restroom expansion or additional plumbing.

Baseball Park Adds Gargantuan Burger To The Menu [The PETA Files]
West Michigan Whitecaps [Official Site]

Chris Farley's Saturday Night Live sketch lives on with the Quad Cities River Bandits (Class A, Midwest League), whose promotion, Van Down by the River, will be ongoing this season at Modern Woodmen Park.

Each home game, eight lucky fans will be chosen by WXLP 97x, a Davenport, Iowa radio station, to watch a game from the outfield berm at Modern Woodmen Park, which happens to be nestled right next to the Mississippi River. The promotion was one of three voted in by River Bandit fans.

"It really is the kind of van that Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker would have lived in," River Bandits vice president and general manager Kirk Goodman told me by phone. "We bought an old van off of Craigslist. Its a 1978 GMC Rally Six, with rust spots and a carpet that you wouldn't want to see under a CSI light. The guy we bought it from was actually arrested that same day. It was perfect."

A daily jackpot will accumulate, and if the van is hit with a home run ball (which could be a common occurrence, I'm told), the occupants will win the cash. The van is currently being painted with the radio station's logo and outfitted with fuzzy dice, but Goodman promised us photos once that's done.

"We bought the van for $500," Goodman said. "We offered a trade for game tickets, but the guy turned that down. He did say that he would take a bag of weed, though."

Van Down by the River actually finished second in fan voting to Bandit Wedding, in which a couple will be chosen to be wed at the ballpark on Fan Appreciate Day. Elvis Night finished third. In case you're wondering, the Quad Cities are Davenport and Bettendorf, Iowa, and Rock Island and Moline, Ill. The River Bandits are a St. Louis Cardinals affiliate.

Bandit Wedding Voted Best Promotion [Quad City River Bandits]

See, this is what Al Gore has been preaching all along. From the Lake Elsinore press release:

"You can probably deduce that All-You-Can-Eat ballpark food might lead to substantial gas subtle emissions, which is where corporate sponsor, Subtle Butt, enters the picture. Made of activated carbon fabric, each disposable 3.25" square shield is held onto the inside of the underwear with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor."

Therefore, the first 250 fans in attendance at every "Fat Tuesday" ballgame (the first is on April 14) , will receive a free product sample of Subtle Butt.

This idea hasn't made it to the majors just yet, but since the Storm is an affiliate of the San Diego Padres, the graphic to the right here may be especially appropriate.

Video here.

Subtle Butt is produced by a company called Garment Guard, whose founder, Kim Olenicoff, grew up with Storm assistant general manager Allan Benavides. "Our office is full of girls, and all we do all day long is talk about farting and sweat," Olenicoff told Ben's Business Blog. "We've never partnered with anyone before, but in Minor League Baseball we might have found the perfect niche."

Now available in four sizes: Small, medium, large and burrito.

Subtle Butt [Garment Guard]
A Subtle Way To Curb Ballpark Emissions [Bensbizblog]

Actually, both the BlueClaws (Single-A, South Atlantic League Phillies affiliate) and the Trenton Thunder (Double-A, Eastern League Yankees affiliate) are adopting the unusual promotion this season, expanding their traditional "Kids Eat Free Mondays" to every home game in an effort to help parents deal with the troubled economy. And, let's face it, it can't hurt ticket sales. Any kid 12 or under attending a game hosted by either team will get a voucher for free grub.

"Minor league baseball has always been a family-oriented game, and with the economy in the shape it's in and parents have trouble making ends meet, this seemed like a good idea," BlueClaws general manager Geoff Brown told me by phone today. "Shop Rite sponsored our 'Kids Eat Free Monday' promotion last year, and this year they've agreed to sponsor us for every home game."

In case you're wondering, that's about $105,000 worth of food. Last season, when the promotion ran only on Mondays, it cost approximately $18,000. So how can they afford to do it? Lakewood and Trenton, the only two affiliated Minor League Baseball teams in New Jersey, together average around 900,000 fans per year. Lakewood has led the league in attendance for the past eight years. So while the state of the economy is pounding some minor league teams, the BlueClaws and Thunder aren't feeling the pinch quite as much.

"The Jersey shore area has a tourist-based economy, so it's not like we've got a big auto plant closing and everyone is losing their job," Brown said. "Our fan base is about 1.1 million, which jumps up about a million-plus over the summer. So we're not hurting for fans. When the economy is bad, people may cancel that trip to Disney World, but they're not going to skip that trip to the shore."

So it's all the more impressive that the two teams are stepping up and helping out; changing the world, one hot dog at a time.

"It's nice to be able to give back a little to the community, because they've always supported us," Brown said. "That give and take is what baseball at this level is all about."

Both teams, however, appear to be courting doom with their upcoming "CC Sabathia Eats Free" promotions in July.

Kids To Eat Free At Every 2009 BlueClaws Home Game [Lakewood BlueClaws]

"The Class A affiliate of the White Sox down in Winston-Salem, formerly known as the Warthogs, went through the whole spiel of having fans vote on a new name for their team, but even after they chose the unfortunate "Winston-Salem Dash" someone topped them in the bad decision department by designing a logo that's reminiscent of an angry, frothing, purple phallus.

"Maybe we're overreacting here and this is all a case of our admittedly adolescent minds acting up, but see for yourselves at wsdash.com

Thanks."

Due to the citizens of the Northstar State being unable to fill in an oval with a No. 2 pencil, the U.S. Senate race between Coleman and Franken is deadlocked at 42 percent each, facilitating a recount. With a little less than 50 percent of the ballots re-tabulated, Coleman's lead is down to 136 votes. And so the Saints, an Independent American Association baseball team, have their first promotional idea for the 2009 season.

The figurine will consist of one head with Coleman’s face on one side and Franken’s on the other. The body of the doll features that of the famous Sesame Street Count (Count von Count) with a suit, bow tie and cape. The head will spin reminding fans of the dizzying experience that has been this state’s U.S. Senate race.

"We realize that by the time we hand these out in May, the election will, hopefully, be decided," Saints director of media relations Sean Aronson told Deadspin. "But fans are going to want these as collector's items, just as in past promotions. We also came up with the Senator Larry Craig Bobbleleg Doll during the offseason."

Yes, that was a classic.

The first 2,500 fans through the gates on May 23 for the Saints game against the Sioux Falls Canaries will get a doll, with me right behind on eBay. There will also be a coloring competition where the winner will be the person who can correctly color inside of an oval shaped object. And following the third inning, no matter the score, the Saints will claim victory.

Of course the whole reason this race is tied in the first place is due to Independent Senate candidate Dean Barkley, who siphoned off 12 percent of the vote. Barkley had this to say about the Saints' promotion:

“The Saints have really outdone themselves with this one. I am glad, however, they decided not to make this a talking doll. Norm-Al will look great on someone’s shelf — silently.”

Awesome. Let's just skip the other two and put him in.

Saints Will "Re"Count Coleman-Franken Race [St. Paul Saints]
Day 3: Recount Resumes With Coleman Still In Lead [Minnesapolis Star Tribune]

From Indy Cornrows:

The local minor league baseball team has gone in a new direction and changed their nickname to the Tincaps. Apparently,Johnny Appleseed wasn't just a legend in some childrens books but a real American pioneer who is buried in Fort Wayne. So the Tincaps are an homage to Mr. umm...Appleseed.

Check out the mascot for the Tincaps. Never in my life have I seen such a vicious apple. No doubt he has his eyes set on an eventual showdown with Nightmare Ant. I'm smellin' a pay-per-vew picnic at a Johnny Appleseed Park in Fort Wayne. Let's get it on!

The TinCaps were formerly known as the Fort Wayne Wizards, who changed their name this year. No official reason was given for the switch, but when it was revealed recently that Dumbledore was gay, well, this is the Midwest, you know.

Although I seem to remember this as the rejected Funny Face instant drink character "Restraining Order Apple."

Fort Wayne Tincaps

Fans are encouraged to wear their Giants or Patriots gear to the stadium for a night of poking fun at the most infamous imperfect team in history. Every fan wearing NFL gear will get in free! Plus, take in our special salutes to the best imperfect teams and moments in sports history!

You had me at the Bubba Grape reenactment, but there will also be this bit of inspired theater: The Jammers will hold a "wide right" contest, in which fans will attempt to miss field goals just like the Buffalo Bills' Scott Norwood in Super Bowl XXV.

* = technically not the next best thing.

Salute To Imperfection Night Aug. 28 [Jamestown Jammers]
Top 10 Upcoming Promotions [MiLB.com]

My favorite promotion was probably the Fresno Grizzlies' Totally Rad 80s Night, in which Karate Kid bad boy Johnny Lawrence made his triumphant return. And don't forget glow-in-the-dark caps! But now the season ends as you suspected it might: with Michael Jackson's 50th birthday party, and midget wrestling. My only regret is that they couldn't figure out a way to combine these. Wait, actually, Michael did. But a jury voted for acquittal.

Upcoming promotions:

Hockey Night. Friday, Aug. 22, Binghamton Mets (Class AA Eastern League). The Mets combine forces with the Binghamton Senators of the American Hockey League to transform NYSEG Stadium into a hockey arena, complete with giant inflatable hockey helmet. Also, there's a slap shot competition.

Salute To The Metric System. Saturday, Aug. 23, Fresno Grizzlies (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). In addition to theme night festivities, the first 2,500 fans will receive their first metric lesson of the night in the form of a Grizzlies collectible 473-mililiter cup (pint cup) presented by the American Lung Association. What could be more fun than a party based on weights and measurements?

Browns-Steelers Night. Sunday, Aug. 24, Mahoning Valley Scrappers (Class A New York-Penn League). Niles, Ohio, home of the Scrappers, is located smack dab between Cleveland (70 miles away) and Pittsburgh (77 miles). So they'll honor both teams, with former Steelers wide receiver Louis Lipps and one-time Browns receiver Reggie Langhorne both in attendance. I see no way this could end in violence.

Midget Wrestling. Aug. 28, Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). The most politically incorrect of all sporting events, as only Florida can stage it. The mighty mites grapple in the ring with the title belt on the line. Wait ... who's intro music is that? ...

Jack-o Turns 5-0. Aug. 29, Hudson Valley Renegades (Class A New York-Penn League). Fans will be serenaded with Michael Jackson hits throughout the game, and participate in MJ-themed contests and trivia. All boys 12-under admitted free! (May not be true).

Jonathan Papelbon Bronze Statue Giveaway. Sept. 1, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). I'm camping out on eBay one minute following the conclusion of this game.

Obama Wins Another Bobblection. The Quad Cities River Bandits (Class A Midwest League) handed out Barack Obama and John McCain bobbleheads on Saturday, with Obama prevailing in a bobbleslide, 1,000 to 575. So Deadspin is calling Iowa for Obama.

Mascot of the Week. Steamer, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Steamer eats children! The horror! [Thanks to Eric Angevine]

Barak Barack Obama.

If presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama wins the election in November, he will look back at the Goldklang Group’s “Bobblection 2008” as his springboard to the White House. Obama finished a clean sweep taking the Fort Myers vote on Monday night, to complete a six-city blanking of John McCain. Obama garnered 54.4% of the vote (500 bobbleheads), while McCain notched 45.6% of the vote (419 bobbleheads). The six cities represent the homes of Goldklang Group teams.

The junior United States Senator from Illinois started strong at Hammond Stadium and never looked back. The first 10 voters marked their ballot for Obama. McCain tried to rally late, but came up short for the sixth straight day. Four years ago, George Bush defeated John Kerry 53% to 47% in Fort Myers. The tally was nearly identical to the final national percentages.

Upon entering Hammond Stadium, fans were directed to actual Lee County Election voting machines to cast their vote. After voting electronically, the fan then picked up their bobblehead of choice. Obama was declared the winner when all 500 of his bobbleheads were gone.

The breakdown:

• Hudson Valley, NY (Renegades): 750 (51.3%) 713 (48.7%)

• Brockton, MA (Rox): 500 (52.3%) 456 (47.7%)

• Charleston, SC (RiverDogs): 500 (58.1%) 360 (41.9%)

• St. Paul, MN (Saints): 1250 (58%) 906 (42%)

• Sioux Falls, SD (Canaries): 500 (55.2%) 405 (44.8%)

• Fort Myers, FL (Miracles): 500 (54.4%) 419 (45.6%)

• TOTALS: 4,000 ( 55.1%) 3,259 ( 44.9%)

As was inevitable, a Ron Paul bobblehead was found among the Sioux Falls results, and was asked to leave.

Elsewhere in minor league promotions:

• Salute To Jayson Stark. Thursday, Aug. 14, Lakewood BlueClaws (Class A South Atlantic League). The ESPN baseball writer will be on hand sign autographs, pose for pictures and assess your beer league softball team's roster for key weaknesses. Will not sign body parts.

• Ty Cobb Night Friday, Aug. 15, Omaha Royals (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). As you no doubt are aware, this gala event will honor Royals communications intern Ty Cobb. Yes, that's his real name. Ty Cobb-mania is sweeping the Midwest as you can imagine, with Mr. Cobb on hand for this game to sign autographs, pose for pictures and nail you with exposed cleats when you're not prepared. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Civil War Night Friday, Aug. 15, Portland Beavers (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). Supporters of bitter rivals Oregon and Oregon State will take part in several in-game competitions, including the mascot beat-down.

• Asian Night. Wednesday, Aug. 20, West Virginia Power (Class a South Atlantic League). I have no idea what this is, but it's West Virginia, so you know it's going to be offensive.

• Weird New Jersey Night. Aug. 24, Newark Bears (Independent Atlantic League). Redundancy evidently does not concern the fine people of this state.

• Mascot of the Week. Henry the Puffy Taco, San Antonio Missions (Class AA Texas League). I am ready to declare Henry the Puffy Taco as Mascot of the Season. Congratulations, Henry. In addition to being delicious, Henry thrills spectators with various dance moves, plus his signature routine; when he "runs" the bases and lets a small child catch up and tackle him on the third-base line. Sportswriters have called it the stupidest three minutes in sports. And don't forget Henry's sidekick, Ballapeno, a green chili pepper. Well done, sirs.

Contact Minor Enterprise at RickChand@GMail.com.

The fun begins tonight in Fishkill, N.Y., as the Hudson Valley Renegades (Class A, New York-Penn League) take on the Vermont Lake Monsters at Duchess Stadium. The process is simple, and goes like this:

As fans pass through the turnstiles, they will be directed to election booths where they’ll have the option of casting their vote for either the Democratic or Republican candidate. For participating in the voting, they will receive the bobblehead doll of their candidate. When one candidate runs out of dolls, he will be declared the winner of that ballpark’s Bobblection.

Other Bobblections will follow on the home fields of the Brockton Rox (Thursday), Charleston RiverDogs (Friday), St. Paul Saints (Saturday), Sioux Falls Canaries (Sunday) and Ft. Myers Miracle (Monday). Total bobbleheads are then tallied, and a winner is declared. No surprise that it should be the team from Florida that decides it all.

Four years ago, as media outlets scrambled to predict the outcome of the Presidential race, Bobblection 2004 had Bush winning in four of the seven participating ballparks; the closest race being in St. Paul, Minn., where John Kerry won by 18 bobbleheads.

And really, with the grinning, nodding head and the painted-on smile, is there any better representation of a politician than a bobblehead doll? So do your homework and get out to the ballpark, as we choose ... hey wait, how did this get in there? Damn it, why won't she go away?!

Other upcoming promotions:

• Train Wreck Series — Ode To Fallen Stars. Tonight, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Brittany Spears, Nick Nolte and David Hasselhoff are just a few of the fallen stars to be honored at this game.

• Star Wars Night Featuring Boba Fett. Friday, Aug, 8, Madison Mallards (Summer Collegiate Northwoods League). Daniel Logan, who played the notorious bounty hunter, will be on hand to sign autographs. Clones admitted half price.

• Jay Buhner Buzz Cut Night. Friday, Aug. 8, Everett AquaSox (Class A Northwest League). Buhner, the former Mariners All-Star right fielder who is also co-owner of the AquaSox, will be on hand to administer pre-game haircuts, otherwise known as the "Buhner Buzz." [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• NFL Night. Saturday, Aug. 9, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Any night that includes an appearance by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders is a good night. Plus, pre-game cheerleading clinic!

• Racing Food Items Of The Week. Pork Sausage, Cheese And Egg, Lakewood BlueClaws (Class A South Atlantic League). If Jersey had a state sandwich, these would be the ingredients. Their spirited dash around the field is the newest attraction at FirstEnergy Park, and you can also get one in the concession stands. Or if you prefer, you can choose a belly buster sandwich; a half-pound of pulled pork, half-pound of brisket, cole slaw and onion rings, which also comes with a t-shirt, but does not race. [Thanks to Minor League Dugout]

We want you minor league tips. Send all game reports, photos, promotional news or racing food items to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!

It had to be this way: Minor League Baseball and the career of William Hung, hopelessly intertwined, so that when you think of one, there is no escaping the other. Although it's been four years since Hung was gonged from the American Idol stage during that infamous San Francisco audition, his goofy cult star has not diminished one bit. If anything he's stronger: An off-key force of nature who is likely to appear anywhere without reason or warning; like an earthquake, or a urinary infection.

Hung, 25, quit school in 2005 and now tours full time, with visits to minor league baseball parks these days comprising a large chunk of his income. This past Saturday he was the feature attraction at Alexis Stadium, home of the Schaumburg Flyers of the Independent Northern League. I talked with William by phone on Monday, as he professed a love for minor league baseball, the Oakland Raiders, college football, and yes, ping pong. Also, we learn that "She Bangs" is no longer his favorite song. Yes, a William Hung scoop! Also a hunk of video goodness, following the jump.

"I'm a baseball fan in general, and I love performing in small towns," said Hung, who estimates that he accepts "seven or eight" minor league invitations per season. And then there's the Major League teams such as the Blue Jays and Dodgers who have invited him. "I love visiting new places and meeting people. I try to accommodate them as much as I can."

Of course, Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" is still the No. 1 Hung request (see below). But if he had his druthers, Hung would rather sing his new favorite tune, Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart."

"I also really like 'It's a Miracle' by Barry Manilow," said Hung, who has released three albums; including the 2005 Christmas effort, "Hung For The Holidays." "Most of the time people love [my singing]," he said. "I've had a few negative experiences, but those are rare, and I don't let it get to me. I'm taking voice lessons, and I know that I'm a better singer now than when I started. I think that it's important to have confidence in yourself and enjoy what you're doing."

Hung, who was born in Hong Kong and moved to the Los Angeles area with his parents when he was 11, was an engineering student at Cal Berkeley in 2004 when he heard about the American Idol audition and decided to give it a try. He now attends Cal State Northridge, and wants to become a math teacher. He likes the A's and Angels, is depressed that "the Raiders aren't very good anymore," enjoys playing ping pong and practicing karate, and is "really looking forward to the Beijing Olympics." He had not heard of Deadspin.

"My career is still going strong," he said. "At first it surprised me, but not anymore. I have a lot of fans and people seem to like my singing. So I'll keep doing it for awhile, I guess."

Upcoming promotions:

• Tribute To Bob Night. Thursday, July 31. Toledo Mud Hens (Class AAA International League). Sponge Bob Square Pants is the featured guest, but Bobs of all stripes will be honored. There will be Bob trivia contests, music by Bob Seger, and scenes from the film What About Bob? between innings.

• '80s Night With Gary Coleman. Friday, Aug. 1. Madison Mallards (Summer Collegiate Northwoods League). Includes special appearance by former Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman! Plus, free Mallards Slinkies to the first 1,000 fans!

• George W. Bush Retirement Party. Monday, Aug, 4. Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). This past Saturday, the AirHogs set the Independent League record for the most ceremonial first pitches thrown off the back of motorcycles. I can't see anything topping that.

• Medieval Times Night. Monday, Aug. 4. Brooklyn Cyclones (Class A New York-Penn League). I've always said that there isn't enough jousting in baseball. Knights will do battle between innings, and square off in a post-game joust in center field. In addition, King Alfonzo the Conqueror (not to be confused with Edgar Alfonzo the conqueror) will be on hand to throw out a first pitch, greet the commoners, oversee the battles, and knight a deserving giant seagull or two.

• Office Olympics. Tuesday, Aug. 5. West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). The World's Largest Office Party, which last season featured one of the cast members of the NBC series The Office. Still waiting for them to call and fill me in on this year's special guest.

• Brett Favre Night. Monday, Aug. 4. Augusta GreenJackets (Class A South Atlantic League). The GreenJackets will give out flip-flops to the first 100 fans, and will retire Favre's jersey in a solemn pregame ceremony (they will then un-retire it the next day). There will also be a Lambeau Leap contest between innings.

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Andrew Johnson. Thursday, July 31, Greeneville Astros (Rookie Appalachian League). The 17th President of the United States, and coincidentally, the first bobblehead in my collection to be impeached.

• Bobbletoy Honorable Mention. Bobbling Wrecking Ball. Saturday, Aug. 2. Brockton Rox (Independent Canadian-American Association). Fans will receive a replica of Yankee Stadium with a mini wrecking ball that moves. Tiny Freddy Sez figurine sold separately.

We want your minor league tips! Send game accounts, photos, promotional news or Ricky Martin lyrics to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!

ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance!

It's a good thing I know someone named Benny Hill, or I might have missed this. Please join the West Michigan Whitecaps on Monday for British Humor Night, as the Class A Midwest League team celebrates all things Monty Python, Mr. Bean and, hopefully, Ricky Gervais during their game with the Cedar Rapids Kernels.

Rumor has it that the classic Monty Python sketch Upper Class Twit of the Year will be shown on the video board, with other legendary bits such as the Ministry of Silly Walks, and, hopefully, my favorite, The Unknown Joke. Clips from other British comedy shows will also be displayed, and the game will feature a knight being followed by a squire who is clapping together coconut shells.

"Nigel Incubator Jones! His best friend is a tree and in his spare time he's a stockbroker!"

Other upcoming promotions:

• Salute To Major Meltdowns. Tonight, St. Paul Saints (Independent American Association). The mini pine tar bat giveaway can only mean George Brett's infamous fit in 1983 will be one of the featured meltdowns.

• Mustache Awareness Night/Hug Your Plumber Night. Tonight, South Bend Silver Hawks (Class A Midwest League). Anyone with a mustache will receive a free reserved seat ticket.

• Political Correctness Night. Tonight, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). Foul lines have been renamed fair lines, but that's only the beginning. Players committing an error will not be identified for fear of hurting their feelings, the bat boy has been renamed the bat person, and the shortstop the “vertically-challenged stop.” Also, trophies will be handed out to each participant in between-innings promotions.

• Political Incorrectness Night. Thursday, July 24, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). Pink pot holders will be given out to the first 250 female fans, only females will take orders at the two main concession stands, and there will be a special area set aside for seniors to nap. Families are encouraged to come to the game in separate cars, to use as much gas as possible.

• Performance Enhancement Depreciation Night. Aug. 4, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). I have no idea what this is, but will have a full report next week if I have to go there myself.

• Durham Athletic Park Renovation. The former home of the Durham Bulls, where the 1988 movie Bull Durham was filmed, has been vacant and in disrepair since the Bulls moved in 1998. But on Tuesday work began on a $5 million renovation for the park, which will include new seats, clubhouses and dugouts. Among other functions, the park will serve as the home field of the North Carolina Central University baseball team beginning next season.

• Racing Vegetables Of The Week. Corn vs. Broccoli, South Bend Silver Hawks (Class A Midwest League). The age-old rivalry is played out every night at Coveleski Stadium, with the fibrous green vegetable shown here gaining the upper hand. But corn will have his revenge, and when he does, it will be served cold; with garlic butter on the side.

We want your minor league tips! Send all game reports, photos, promotional news and Grails to Rick@Deadspin.com

Above we see Mallards fan Adam Mandelman (It's go time!) earning his free ticket. Believe it or not, promotions such as this have made the Mallards the highest-attended collegiate summer league team in the nation; topping the 200,000 mark in each of the past two seasons. On July 13 the team unveiled the World's Largest Bratwurst (60-feet, 6 inches); and only Friday, July 13, the guest of honor was Eddie Munster (Butch Patrick).

And it's not too late to get in on the fun. Saturday, July 26 is William Hung Karaoke Night; Aug. 1 is '80s Night with special guest Gary Coleman; and Aug. 8 is Star Wars Night featuring an appearance by Boba Fett.

Washington Nationals, the blueprint for success is now laid before you. It's your move.

If you've never seen people line up to eat bugs, just witness below:

Mallards Fans Eat Beetles For Free Duck Blind Tickets [The Capital Times]
Madison Mallards Official Site

Hope springs eternal in Altoona, Pa., where the local Class AA Eastern League Pittsburgh Pirates affiliate, the Curve, await a very special guest on Monday. Will Ferrell has been invited to throw out the first pitch in the Curve's game against the Akron Aeros, and to meet and greet fans. This will be a glorious day for fans of baseball and comedy alike; except for one minor, possible hitch: Ferrell has not said that he will attend. In fact, it's quite possibly that he knows nothing about it.

Monday is “Please Come to Altoona Will Ferrell!” Night at Blair County Ballpark, as Hollywood mega-star Will Ferrell will toss out a ceremonial first pitch, broadcast an inning on radio and sign autographs for Curve fans. Actually, the odds of any of that happening are extraordinarily slim, but the Curve are hereby begging Mr. Ferrell to accept their invitation. Either way, the Curve will play video clips from his hilarious performances in “Anchorman”, “Old School” and many other films.

More details here.

Oh, and also feel free to scream: Get on the bag!

Elsewhere in upcoming promotional events:

• Superstition Night. Friday, July 18, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). A mirror-breaking contest and other superstitious activities are planned, including an announcement that a no-hitter is in progress after every inning.

• Batman Night. Friday, July 18, Beloit Snappers (Class A Midwest League). One of many Batman promotions around the minor leagues, as The Dark Knight opens in theaters around the country. Dress up in your best Batman attire! I know I will ... and I'm not even leaving the house.

• Second Amendment Night. Friday, July 18, Fresno Grizzlies (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). The second amendment guarantees our right to bear arms. Get it, bear arms? Oh, how clever. Special second amendment festivities will abound, including discounts for fans wearing sleeveless shirts, and free hunter safety classes. Details here.

• Salute To Frivolous Lawsuits Night. Monday, July 21, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Lukewarm coffee will be served so that no fans will burn themselves, and kids 12 and under will receive beach balls with a label warning them not to ingest it.

• Revolutionary War Night. Tuesday, July 22, Vero Beach Devil Rays (Class A Florida State League). In which members of the club's front office will re-enact key moments from the war for independence. The Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Valley Forge, Washington crossing the Delaware, plus "the possible late arrival of the French." It all should resemble something like this. [Thanks To Benjamin Hill]

• Racing Vegetables Of The Week. Asparagus. Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Stockton is home to three varieties of asparagus, and also the annual Asparagus Festival. One of the most competitive of all vegetables, here are the asparagus (asparagi?) during a rare casual moment.

We want your minor league tips! Send any game reports, photos or Anchorman quotes to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!

If you can attend only one Brooklyn Cyclones game over the next few days, I pity you; because it's going to be nearly impossible to choose between the two blockbuster promotions depicted above. Tribute to Billy Joel, or Salute to the Pork Rind? Wiser men than me have considered this dilemma and failed. So I suggest skipping that bar exam and attending both. Just consider the potential rewards.

• Tribute to Billy Joel: Saturday, July 12. Not only does this serve as a warmup for the Piano Man's gala Last Play at Shea on July 16 and 18, but it's also the 30th anniversary of Joel's breakout album The Stranger. The first 2,500 fans at KeySpan Park will receive commemorative baseballs depicting our automobile driving-challenged hero (pictured below), and there'll be a chance to win two tickets to the Shea concert, which are getting rather pricey. Did you know that after next Wednesday, Joel will be the only major artist to have played both Shea and Yankee Stadiums?

There will also be Billy Joel-themed trivia contests and sing-a-longs of his most popular tunes (there's nothing like a rousing chorus of Scenes From an Italian Restaurant during the seventh-inning stretch). Giveaways will also include prize packs featuring The Stranger Deluxe Box Set, a limited edition poster and a vinyl copy of the original The Stranger album.

• Salute to the Pork Rind. Monday, July 14. Just when the excitement of Saturday is beginning to settle, here comes the greatest of all snack-related promotions. The feature attraction will of course be the pork rind sculpture contest, where the winner will receive "an all-expense paid trip to Hanover, PA to tour the Utz factory and Headquarters — bus fare, hotel, spending money included." One of the between-inning contests will also feature two fans diving into a pool of pork rinds for a hidden treasure, and another will see contestants toss pork rinds at a target. Just when you thought your trip to Euro Disney couldn't be topped ...

Anyone interested in entering the pork rind sculpture contest should contact Ricky Viola at 718-37-BKLYN, or ricky@brooklyncyclones.com

Other upcoming promotions:

• Dave Rozema Karate Kick Bobbleleg. Tonight, West Michigan Whitecaps (Class A Midwest League). Anyone attending this is hereby deputized to give us a full report. Godspeed.

• Bret "The Hitman" Hart Appearance. Thursday, July 10, Vancouver Canadians (Class A Northwest League). Ask him about The Montreal Screwjob.

• Allen Iverson Celebrity Softball Classic. Monday, July 14, Bowie Baysox (Class AA Eastern League). I generally never pass up an opportunity to see Wanda Sykes and Carmello Anthony at the same event, so this is a must-attend. Also playing will be Anwan Glover of The Wire, DeAngelo Hall, Vivica A. Fox, Luke Perry and Nate Burleson, among a host of others. The only way this could be more entertaining is if they played on donkeys. They're not though, right?

We want your minor league tips! Send all game reports, photos and old Billy Joel albums to Rick@Deadspin.com. Thanks!

The glorious career of former pitcher Dave Rozema is cherished and studied by every drunkard, reprobate, fuckoff, ne're-do-well, rascal, rotter, tosspot, brawler, bounder, lout, louse, screwup, barfly, dipsomaniac, tippler, pug and toker who ever followed the Detroit Tigers. And by many, many other baseball fans as well. This is a man whose exploits nearly defy description, both on the field and off. But for all of his deeds and misdeeds, the crowning moment had to be on May 14, 1982, during a benches-clearing brawl between the Tigers and Minneosta Twins.

That's when, in the opening moments of the melee, Rozema charged from the dugout and attempted to deliver a flying karate kick at the Twins' John Castino. He missed, of course; injuring his leg so badly in the process that he had to be removed from the field on a stretcher. Rozema, who had a 3-0 record and a 1.63 ERA at the time, ended up on the DL and missed the remainder of the season; ruining what was shaping up as the finest season of his career. Any serious Tigers fan can tell you all about it, and probably give you a blow-by-blow from video accounts that have circulated on the Internet (until recently, when YouTube took them down on the orders of Major League Baseball).

But now you can relive the magical moment with the West Michigan Whitecaps of the Class A Midwest League, who will honor "Rosey" with the Dave Rozema bobblefoot doll giveaway on Wednesday, July 9. The first 1,000 fans through the gates at Fifth Third Ballpark will receive a Dave Rozema toy with real karate-kick bobblefoot action. I would suggest arriving early, as these will go fast.

How great was the 1982 incident in question? I found this account on the SpartanTailgate.com message board:

The footage of the fight was hilarious. At first base you had Lance Parrish holding a guy down to the ground with one arm. At the pitchers mound were most of the players, then suddenly from the dugout comes Rozie with a karate kick into the pile.....then you lose track of where Rozie is....then the fight clears and lying limp on his back on the mound is a battered Rozie.

And from the Motown Sports board:

I played a fantasy weekend with Rozema. He told a hilarious story of a teary-eyed Gibby talking to him on the stretcher, and promising to go out and win the game for him, a la Babe Ruth and the sick kid in the hospital. We were all rolling.

Kirk Gibson indeed won that game for the Tigers with a late home run. Gibson and Rozema were pals, got into all sorts of trouble together (amazingly, alcohol may have been involved), and in fact married twin sisters, JoAnn and Sandy Sklarski, in a double ceremony in 1985. Other facts from the Rozema file:

• Also in 1982, Rozema fell on a flask in his back pocket and needed 11 stitches in his hip, after Gibson had pulled a chair out from under him.

• Missed a team bus when he overslept after judging a wet T-shirt contest.

• Shoved a bar glass into the face of Alan Trammell, with Trammell needing 47 stitches near his eye.

• Finished fourth in the 1977 Rookie of the Year voting behind Eddie Murray, but won The Sporting News Rookie Pitcher of the Year award.

• During spring training one year in Lakeland, Fla., decided to wash his new car ... with Brillo pads.

Rozema recovered from his leg injury and had an 8-3 record with a 3.43 ERA in 1983, and also played on the 1984 Tigers team that won the World Series. He signed with the Texas Rangers in 1985 and retired in 1986, with career totals of 60 wins, 53 losses and a 3.47 ERA. But in one last hurrah, Rozema surfaced in 1990 on the roster of the St. Petersburg Pelicans of the Senior Professional Baseball Association, where he compiled a 2-0 record. The franchise folded in December of that year, and Rosie was never seen on a pitcher's mound again. But he will never be forgotten.

Other upcoming promotions:

• Kevin Costner And His Band, Modern West. Friday, July 4, Durham Bulls (Class AAA International League). I actually saw Modern West when they performed at Lake Tahoe last year, and the band is ... not good. But Costner is personable and good with the audience, when he's not singing, anyway. And he donated a bunch of money to victims of the 2007 Lake Tahoe Wildfire which destroyed more than 200 homes, so there's that.

• Competing As The New Hampshire Primaries. Friday, July 4, New Hampshire Fisher Cats (Class AA, Eastern League). The Fisher Cats will call themselves the New Hampshire Primaries for this game only, and wear special red, white and blue uniforms. Mike Huckabee to throw out the first pitch, where it will travel only 14.8 percent of the way to the plate (may not be true). [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Jessica Simpson Day. Sunday, July 6, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). I'd rather attend Daniel Simpson Day (D-Day from Animal House). Whatever happens, don't go near the Joe Simpson kissing both.

• Awful Night VI. Monday, July 7, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Last year's Awful Night V featured the mascot race which has no finish; a dry slip-'n-slide, and the ever-popular and frustrating helium balloon toss. Also there were liverwurst-and-whipped cream sandwiches at the snack bar. This year's is supposed to be "even Awfuler," according to the Curve. Just so you know.

What you missed last week:

• Wine Festival/Little League Night. June 29, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Nothing sadder than a wine-stained Little League jersey.