Apparently Doc Gooden is failing in his attempts to mentor the area kids:

In a lawsuit filed last week in federal court in Newark, three Millburn High School students contend Newark Bears president and co-owner Thomas Cetnar berated them, cursed at them and then booted them from the ballpark after they failed to stand for the song during the seventh-inning stretch.

"Nobody sits during the singing of 'God Bless America' in my stadium,'" Cetnar bellowed during the June 29 incident, according to the suit. "Now the get the (expletive) out of here."

The teens — Millburn High seniors Bryce Gadye and Nilkumar Patel, both 17, and junior Shaan Mohammad Khan, 16 — argue the treatment and their ejection violated their rights under the Constitution, along with federal and state public accommodation laws and state law against discrimination. They're seeking unspecified damages.

What these rebellious boys obviously need are some extra large, Sarah Palin-approved flag pins to wear on their lapels. That'll learn 'em!

[NJ.com]

Realizing that anything can be successful and make millions of dollars if you just attach Tebow's name to it, the Miracle, a Twins single-A affiliate, had quite a night of reverent revelry planned for us all:

•Promise rings given out to all fans.
•Coaches getting out of jams by asking themselves "What would Tim Tebow do?"
•A jump-pass to the catcher as the ceremonial first pitch.
•A mock circumcision celebrating his missionary work.
•A local construction worker named Timothy Tebo attempting to walk on water.

I am not making any of these things up.

But we were deprived of much of the fun by that old 1-2 punch of threatened litigation and acts of God. First the circumcision was nixed due to questions of taste. Then Florida sent a letter to the team putting a kibosh on any Tebow references:

Under NCAA rules it is not permissible to use the name or picture of a student-athlete in the promotion of a commercial product or service," the e-mail from Jamie McCloskey, UF senior associate athletic director said. "This would include the promotion and marketing of What Would Tim Tebow Do? Night."

So the promotion was changed to "Would Would T.T. Do?" Doesn't have the same ring, but it gets the job done. Still, Someone was not too happy with the shots at His second begotten son.

A funnel cloud could be seen with the naked eye, prompting some fans to question whether or not the big man upstairs was sending a warning to the Miracle for mocking Tebow, who is often referred to by Florida football fans as "The Chosen One."

Andrew Wynot, a Florida fan who attended his first Miracle game because of the promotion, said he didn't buy the speculation, saying that Tebow would never use destruction as a form of vengeance.

"I think Tim Tebow is a fan of anything related to getting his name out there," Wynot said. "I don't think Tim Tebow would send destruction on us."

I think an old Jim Croce song is appropriate here.

You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with Tim

Tebow: The Minor League Baseball Gimmick [TimTeblog]
UF Sacks Miracle's 'What Would Tim Tebow Do?' Night [Naples Daily News]

The American Defenders of New Hampshire—which is, incredibly, the name of an actual baseball team—are not exactly financially sound. Looking at manager Brian Daubach's water-logged office it's hard to see why. So the city physically locked them out of their stadium this week, until they pay up on the bills they owe. Since they only have six more home games in the season, they might never come back.

Team president Dan Duquette had hoped to work out some sort of payment plan, but the city wasn't having it. Yes, that's the same Dan Duquette who was the last Red Sox GM to not win a World Series. But that doesn't mean it was his fault.

"It is a shame that more residents did not take advantage of the baseball and concerts that were held at Holman Stadium this summer . . . The problems the team is facing are very unfortunate. I had high hopes for what the ownership was bringing to our area."

Yeah, Nashua! Why didn't you take more advantage of all these things that are more entertaining than your minor league baseball team?

American Defenders out at home [Union Leader]
Defenders locked out of Holman [Nasuha Telegraph]

This fantastic donnybrook took place between the Winnipeg Goldeneyes and the Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks on Monday. The backstory is a little confusing because both teams wear red and it involves Canada, but the gist is this. Goldeneye pitcher Ace Walker (who is also a Bond villain) threw his first pitch of the fourth inning behind a RedHawk batter. This was because third baseman Kevin West, who can be seen yelling at the dugout after the throw, had been hit in the head earlier in the game. The RedHawks' third base coach, who is also manager Doug Simunic, says he was trying to calm West down, when West's manager Tom Vaeth got in his face and allegedly bumped him. That's when the slapping started.

Amazingly, neither manager will be suspended, although they did receive fines. Simunic said in a radio interview the next day that he was simply defending himself and was not going to take any guff from an opponent. (He also gets heckled by Winnipeg fans during the interview, which makes it worth a listen.) Frankly, I think this is how all beanball wars should be settled. The umpire warning should actually be instructions to keep your hands up and fight clean.

If that doesn't work ... rock, paper, scissors.

RedHawks pitcher sparked brawl: West [Winnipeg Free Press]
Simunic: "I'm not going to take this, man" [In Forum]
Fargo-Moorhead manager in on-field brawl with Winnipeg coach [Star-Tribune]

Castillo, who is a Cubs prospect (of course) was found guilty of felonious assault for chucking a high hard one that was intended for an opponent's dugout, but ended up hitting a fan in the stands. The incident happened during a Peoria Chiefs-Dayton Dragons game that started with two managers shoving each other and ended with all-out war. (The video is still here, amazingly.) He was found not guilty of "assault with a deadly weapon" because I guess his velocity was a little off.

Sentencing will be August 3, and on September 1 he will be called up to hurl t-shirts into the Wrigley Field bleachers.

Pitcher guilty of felonious assault [Dayton Daily News]

It's pure marketing genius from the independent-league St. Paul Saints, a team partially owned, of course, by Mike Veeck and Bill Murray. The players, coaches and fans will presumably tweet their way to a loss next Thursday. But everyone will have fun! And that's the point of independent league baseball, last time we checked. After all, the Saints are also the bumbling squadron of fun known for their innovative giveaways: a Franken-Coleman doublesided bobbleheading concoction; a Bud Selig tie; rubber dog toys to honor Michael Vick; and, the cream of the crop, a bobblefoot to honor Larry Craig.

Twitter-My-Face, though, is not bobbleheadable, which leads us to this excerpted (and sic'd) press release below:

On July 23, players, coaches, fans and employees will be asked to update their facebook status, post photos and send tweets so that baseball fans around the world will know exactly what is going on at Midway Stadium.

Phew! I thought I might be missing out.

Saints pitching coach Jason Verdugo is expected to tweet during a trip to the mound to speak with one of his pitchers and other players and coaches are expected to tweet from the dugout. Fans will get to see the Saints updated facebook, MySpace and twitter pages during the game displayed on the Saints videoboard. Fans will check out the live status of Saints players. For example, when Saints first baseman Jason Cooper comes to bat, his facebook status may appear on the videoboard stating "Jason Cooper is…at the plate" or "Jason Cooper is…upset at that last strike call."

Jason Cooper is... waiting to get the call-up to a real minor league team, where all he has to do is sign a few autographs during his at-bat.

Popular Saints staff members and ushertainers such as Mudonna, famous massaging nun Sister Ros, beer vendor Trixster and Superfan will let provide a unique perspecitive with updates during the evening.

I am so there, if only to learn the meaning of the euphemism "famous massaging nun." Twitpics are encouraged.

Saints Embrace Social Media With Twitter-My-Face [St. Paul Saints]

Sunday afternoon the Brooklyn Cyclones are hosting "Bellies & Baseball: A Salute to Pregnancy." And because these players have only been in pro ball for a few months, there's no need to worry about the expectant mothers of their illegitimate children.

No, the fun's for the fans, who'll take a couple hours away from being fat and miserable to enjoy such activities as:

*Barefoot & Pregnant: Expectant moms can run (or, more likely, walk) the bases with no shoes on before the game
*Craving Station: A table on the Concourse level will offer pickles, ice cream, anchovy pizza, etc. for pregnant women who crave more than the usual ballpark fare
*7th Inning Stretch Marks: Pregnant women will be allowed onto the field in the 7th inning to sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame
*Lamaze on the Lawn: The Cyclones will offer a Pre-game Lamaze class on the grass in centerfield
*Special Delivery: Any woman who gives birth at the ballpark before the end of the game gets free Cyclones Season Tickets for life for each member of her new family
*Pregnancy Pitch: Any woman in her third trimester gets to throw out a ceremonial first pitch before the game

I'm not sure how long it takes from conception to register a positive test, but you've got two days. You might want to get to work on that now.

Bellies & Baseball [Brooklyn Cyclones]

That's where a 14-year-old boy from Fort Mill, S.C. spent his weekend, which started so innocently and pleasurably — so patriotically — at a Charlotte Knights game, of all places. The stadium was packed with fans awaiting fireworks and clutching their newly-acquired beach bags when the teenager's father, as many do, decided to live vicariously through his offspring.

He acknowledged joking with his son about what it would be like to run onto the field. The family was sitting behind home plate, about 10 rows up.

"I said, ‘Boy, if you do, you'd be the man,'" Richards said. "It wasn't like we went to the rail and helped him over or anything."

So the boy became the man, ever the chip off the old block. He jumped the dugout, scampered shirtless across the infield all the way to the wall in center field, where he jumped and slapped the 400-foot sign. (Act like a juvenile delinquent today!)

Not that there's anything wrong with that — except, you know, everything. The boy and his old man were arrested, and the latter was released on bond the next day. The kid will remain in juvenile detention — wasn't he now a man? — for trespassing until the next Family Court, when he will continue to do exactly as advised.

Teen jailed for sprint across diamond [Charlotte Observer]

McOwen, who plays for the Class A High Desert Mavericks, has shattered the California League record and now has the eighth-longest hit streak in minor league history, and the best since 1954. Obviously, only one major leaguer has had a longer hit streak, but McOwen still needs 16 games to match Joe DiMaggio's best effort—61 games for the Pacific Coast League's San Francisco Seals.

Oh, and longest hit streak in minor league history? 69, dude! Joe Wilhoit supposedly did it for Wichita back in 1919, but they didn't even have calculators back then.

Minor Leaguer's hit streak reaches 45 games [Mariners.com]
Jamie McOwen's 45-Game Hit Streak, Day-By-Day [Bus Leagues Baseball]

Tomorrow night is "Ball-Less Baseball" night at the Hudson Valley Renegades game, a somewhat unique take on the old "Ladies Night" tradition. Fans in attendance will get massages, makeup, and mani-pedis. Oh, and men are not allowed into the stadium until after the 5th inning, a caveat that has drawn a sternly worded letter from officials in Dutchess County, New York, which owns the ballpark.

At best, the promotion is in poor taste. However, I write to warn that the promotion likely violates the New York State Human Rights Law and probably violates the guarantee to equal protection under the laws contained in the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution," the letter reads. "New York State Human Rights Law (Executive Law Section 296) expressly prohibits discrimination on the basis of gender in any place of public accommodation. Clearly, your plan to prohibit admittance based on gender runs afoul of this provision."

"Dutchess County cannot in good conscience remain silent while its citizens are subject to invidious gender discrimination."

Invidious! To the Renegades credit, they were already planning a "tailgate party" for the dudes stuck in the parking lot and were forced to admit on their website that they would not actually prevent the testosterone set from entering the building. But only in a lawsuit happy America could people actually find it necessary to bury their sense of humor and lodge a formal complaint against something so silly. Or in the world of Poughkeepsie Journal web commenters....

Whats next Renegades? Whites only? Blacks only? Gays only? Dems only? Reps only?

Yes, that's exactly where we are headed. Apartheid is clearly the next step on this slippery slope. By the way, all bobblehead promotions are now considered an affront to babies with undeveloped neck muscles. Fair is fair.

Women-only promotion under dispute [Poughkeepsie Journal]
Tampa Bay Rays affiliate in Hudson Valley, N.Y. catches flak for its version of Ladies Night [St. Petersburg Times]

The 'Topes pulled in a record 54,763 fans for the series, and I'm guessing more were interested in seeing Manny than the Nashville Sounds. Ill-gotten gains, you say? So does Albuquerque President Ken Young, who donated $10,000 to the Taylor Hooton Foundation, an anti-steroid charity. "I'm not going to say they're not connected," he said (or didn't say).

Manny's stay wasn't without drama. A standing room only crowd was disappointed when he left the stadium 40 minutes into a 54-minute rain delay. But no worries: refunds for everyone!

Said Manny:

You know me. Occasionally, I'll be quirky...'I'll be quirky.' Albuquerque! I'll be right back!

No, actually that was minor league baseball enthusiast and former major league mascot Homer Simpson.

Joe Torre said they were leaning toward the Class A affiliate in San Bernardino last week, but I guess Joe Torre says a lot of things. Instead the Los Angeles slugger—you know, I heard there was a murder in Los Angeles once and they never found the guy who did it—will join the AAA Isotopes tonight, the only team to get its nickname from a prime-time cartoon. The 'Topes average nearly 7,000 fans per game, but a team official said yesterday that Johnny Lunchpails and Suzy Housecoats had already yoinked up 11,000 extra tickets in two days. They are also out of Bort license plates.

Translation: No one cares how much nerve tonic the guy drinks, fans love their eccentric, dreadlocked sluggers. (Although, he could stand to be Rastafied another 10%.) If you miss this, you better be dead or in an Albuquerque jail and if you're in jail, tie an onion on your belt or something.

Manny Ramirez's fission statement in Albuquerque [Los Angeles Times]

Manny Ramirez is eligible to re-join the Dodgers on July 3, but because being suspended 50-games for PED use is exactly like pulling a hamstring, Manny will go on a minor league "rehab" assignment first. The Dodgers indicated that his first game could be for the Inland Empire 66ers next Thursday. What the heck is an Inland Empire 66er? Glad you asked!

Where/what is Inland Empire? Inland Empire is the colloquial term for the eastern part of Southern California that does not touch the Pacific Ocean (i.e., the dry, dusty, annoying part.) The team plays its home games at Arrowhead Credit Union Park in scenic San Bernardino. Come for the freeways, stay for the brush fires! Their full official name is actually the Inland Empire 66ers of San Bernardino, which makes the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim seem quaint.

What's a 66er? Route 66, dummy. Yes, they are named after a road that symbolized independence and adventure for a entire generation of annoying beatniks. Ask your dad.

Why would anyone play baseball in San Bernandino? The team actually relocated from Salinas after relocating from Fresno, two other hot beds of hardball. They've also been known as the Spirit and the Stampede, which are just as non-threatening as a two-lane highway.

Dear God, what is that thing? That's Bernie, the San Bernandino ... guy? According to his bio, Bernie was originally the mascot of the Utah Grizzlies, even though he does not appear to have any bear-like qualities. Looks like a damn dirty hippie to me.

Are these guys any good? No! The 66ers are currently 3rd in the California League South Division, 13 games back.

Is Manny the best player that will ever wear their uniform? Almost. Ken Griffey Jr. played 58 games in San Bernardino, but that was actually a different organization that relocated to Rancho Cucamonga and sold their nickname to the current S.B. team. Other notable alumni—of the town, if not the exact team—include Felix Hernandez, Adrian Beltre, Mac Suzuki, Paul Konerko and Mike Hampton, who may or may not be there on a rehab assignment right now.

So that's all you need to know, really. Starting next Thursday they play three at Lake Elisnore followed by a homestand against the rival(?) Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, all within driving distance of Manny's Pasadena home. So get your kicks with Inland Empire. Unless the Dodgers change their mind and I've just wasted all of our time.

Inland Empire 66ers [ie66ers.com]
Joe Torre: Manny Ramirez could start at Class A next week [ESPN]

The Chico Outlaws and Calgary Vipers were trapped in an epic, a 6-6 tie after 11 innings seven games into the Golden Baseball League season, and the crack crew of ESPN Classic was beginning to clear its Saturday schedule to loop the game's grainy highlights. The only problem: It was nearing 11 p.m., and if the game went any longer, a city ordinance would have prevented fans from seeing the fireworks they had all come for. The Outlaws' general manager made the obvious decisions: Suspend the game, and boom goes the dynamite.

"That's a tough ending to the night right there," Outlaws third baseman Jason Crosland said.

Calgary veteran left fielder Drew Miller was cognizant of the long-term consequences the decision might have. Currently, both teams are 6-1 and tied atop the Golden Baseball League's North Division standings. With the flow and energy of the game completely gone by tonight, the loser likely will look back at the loss as artificial.

"You really hope that this isn't what decides a divisional race," Miller said. "It's just one game, so we'll see what happens."

Yep, let's hope it doesn't decide the divisional race. Because this time, it counts.

Outlaws, Vipers leave game tied 6-6 [Chico Enterprise Record]

In order to work around our current economic meltdown, the Class A Cubs affiliate has launched a new "Naming Rights For A Game" promotion. For six grand, they will rename the stadium whatever you want for one day. You get signage, advertising, a spot on the video scoreboard, plus free tickets and food. They get some spending cash, you get a gigantic ego boost, and everyone goes home happy. The first taker: a lawn care company.

Interestingly enough, the stadium is currently known as O'Brien Field, thanks to a deal with a local car dealership. Their naming rights contract expired last season, but the team couldn't find a new sponsor (for more than a day) so they haven't bothered to change it.

I nominate "Baby Mangino Field at Denton Yards." Hey, I'm not the one writing that check.

Peoria Chiefs selling ballpark naming rights on daily basis [Pantagraph]
Your name here: Chiefs selling game-by-game naming rights for park [Peoria Journal Star]
[Picture via]