See what happens when a guy wins $250 in a home run derby? It goes straight to his head. Not only can he not stay at the Heritage Inn Express with the rest of the Golden League All-Stars, but he can't even just relax and enjoy his stay at the luxurious Oxford Suites.

It's all such a shame. There was a time that if you heard about a Canseco causing an incident at a hotel after a minor league game, you'd have assumed it was Ozzie. Those simple times are gone.

Chico police respond to Canseco spat [ChicoER.com]

The Mustangs have seen the likes of George Brett, Paul O'Neill, Gary Redus, Trevor Hoffman, Adam Dunn, and more recently, Prince Fielder, pass through Cobb Field. And Bender's going to be writing about that experience regularly at PatrickSauer.com. His first entry is here, and I think this is going to be a fun look into the day-to-day operations of a minor league team.

To wit, my boss and I were waiting for a cab to take us to the airport from the MLB Winter Meetings in Dallas last December when Dodger great Tommy Lasorda walked up and asked, "You guys got the next cab?" I politely mumbled, "Yes," and nothing else. Lasorda got on his cell phone. Five minutes later a minivan rolled up and he was gone. We waited another half an hour for the "next" cab before settling for a crowded airport shuttle.

That, my friends, is the definition of being "big leagued."

You can check out the rest here.

Bush League with Matt Bender [PatrickSauer.com]

Well, other than a 7-year-old boy being trampled and hospitalized, and a 7-year-old girl having her lip busted open, not much. Just as their adult role models would've done, the kids all went nuts for the money, and a couple of the smaller kids were hurt But hey, they might've gotten six of seven dollars out of it.

And the team is being really sympathetic about it, too. "It's for fun and games," said a team spokeswoman. "This is why we have everybody sign a waiver."

See? There is a happy ending. The team isn't liable, so everything's okay. Next month, team plans to drop children into a tank full of live sharks, but it's OK, because they'll have them sign a waiver.

2 kids hurt at Mich. minor league event [SeattlePI.com]

Anyway, several of the dolls have migrated to eBay, where they are going for as much as $125. From one of the eBay descriptions: "The Bride comes dressed in her finest gray sweatshirt (front says I [heart] Duluth, back is the state of Georgia) and black sweatpants, and adorned with tiara and veil. In her left hand is her bouquet, and in her right, a ticket to Albuquerque. Equipped with her "Adios" running shoes, she's headed for the bus station."

... and straight to our hearts.

Runaway Bride Bobblehead Doll [eBay]
Runaway Bride Bobblehead [11 Alive]

Today's grotesque one comes from the Milwaukee Admirals, the minor league hockey affiliate of the Nashville Predators. They gave away a trip to Las Vegas and free laser hair removal treatment to the guy with the hairiest back. You what's scary? One of these guys didn't win.

Chicago Native Wins Las Vegas Trip for Two [MilwaukeeAdmirals.com]

And we don't have to wait for Johnny Damon's first appearance at Fenway for it. Apparently, the Lowell Spinners, the Red Sox Class A affiliate, is offering free uniforms and stadium access to any Little League team in the state of Massachusetts that changes its name from the "Yankees" to anything else. Quoth the Spinners: " Red Sox fans understand how devastating it can be for any child to be on a Yankees youth baseball team in New England. The Spinners have heard stories first-hand of children actually crying and refusing to play if they have to play for the Yankees. The Spinners believe they have found an answer to the problem."

According to Chowdaheads, one Spinners team rep said that parents have "tired of having their children booed during town parades because of their uniforms."

God, we love baseball. We can't wait.

Yanking The Yankees [Chowdaheads]
Spinners Trying To Eliminate Yankee Teams In Youth Baseball [LowellSpinners.com]

The Ft. Myers Miracle minor league team has offered the kid a job. A casino is offering the kid a free trip to Panama if he can pull off the trick again. And the Milk Processor Education Program — whatever the hell that is — is offering to give the kid some money back too. This, of course, all came to the surface because Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny, who made the dare in the first place, hates the Marlins organization and cherished embarrassing them. So, you know, welcome to the bigs, kid!

Marlins Batboy Suspended [Palm Beach Post]
Press Release [Ft. Myers Miracle]
Do It Again, Kid! [iNewswire]

Press Release [MLB]

"We re not happy about the ruling, but we ll abide by the commissioner s wishes," said T-Bones General Manager Rick Muntean. "The idea of having two people, regardless of any physical characteristics, decide a baseball game is ahead of its time. Baseball is a game rooted in the past and this idea came a little too soon."

T-Bones Modify Promotion [Kansas City T-Bones]

BaySox Go For Third Annual Whoopie Cushion Attempt [Bowie Baysox]

It's nothing new for the T-Bones, who last year allowed fans to bid on eBay for a night in their honor. The winner had 3,000 bobbleheads in his likeness given out to all attendees. We just hope they don't accidentally plug the wrong game into the XBOX; if they put Grand Theft Auto in there by mistake, no fan will make it home alive.

Old Ballgame Has Newfangled Twist [Kansas City Star]
T-Bones Make Baseball History [T-Bones Baseball]

"I'm writing a book," said the Can. "But it's going to be hard because every day, a new book starts. We're even talking about movie rights: The 'Oil Can' Boyd Story. The newspapers here said Denzel [Washington] or Jamie Foxx might be best to play me, but I'll probably have to play me because as we know, there's only one 'Oil Can' Boyd."

When a Red Sox game was postponed due to fog in Cleveland it was the Can who said, "That's what you get for building a ballpark on the ocean."

And our favorite ...

It was the Can who was not allowed to leave spring training in Winter Haven until he returned some overdue adult movies, which he eventually did, but not before one member of the Red Sox family, in the greatest line ever, called the incident The Can Film Festival.

We wish Boyd — and those two ridiculous earrings — all the luck in the world. Hell, he's younger than Julio Franco.

Enjoying The Can [ESPN.com]

As we walked past a bus stop, a small group of people who looked like extras from Escape From New York were arguing with each other, particularly two guys who probably had 12 teeth and a combined blood alcohol content of .85 between them. As I whisked Kimberly safely past them, I heard the unmistakable sounds of a fight starting, and when I turned around, sure enough, the dynamic duo were throwing full swing punches at each other in front of the other bus stop lampers. Sadly, a family of four who were on the same train as us had to perform some fancy footwork to navigate through that gauntlet of drunken brawling to get to the game which I'm sure they, as we were, lead to believe would just be a fun train ride away. I'd loved to have heard the Dad's response to his seven-year-old's question of "Why is the guy with the dirty bandana and the giant bottle of beer beating up the skinny guy with the eyepatch and gold tooth?"

The post seems to imply that the stadium is in a "bad part of town," but, sadly, it's not: It's actually in one of the "nicer" parts of Newark, which is to say, there are none. Though it's always fun to watch the second baseman dodge bullets; let's see Jeff Kent try that.

Clawing Our Way To See The Bears [Extrawack, via Baseball Musings]