Well folks, that does it for me. I hope you were informed as well as entertained today. Sure, there was a bump in the road (what a woodead I am), but I believe things went reasonably well overall. In the end, I suppose that's where hope gets you. Learn from me, kids.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry Petchesky has got your back tomorrow.

Have a great evening. Remember, nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain. Well, except for this video. Nine minutes? Sheesh. Axl Rose, you maniacal egomaniac!

(thanks to DS reader Merle for the screencap)

Mike Bellman paid $190 for a box of 25 old phones at a University of Missouri surplus sale, and looky looky what he found.

One cell phone, a Sprint Treo, belonged to MU basketball Coach Mike Anderson, according to Bellman's online inventory. Photos of the phone's screen show text messages between Anderson and MU football Coach Gary Pinkel and Athletics Director Mike Alden. The messages appear to be well wishes for upcoming games and congratulations after victories.

Other phones from assistant coaches and Athletics Department staff have hundreds of contact phone numbers, e-mail messages and text messages.

This being America, Bellman is offering the phones as "collector's items" for $3,000, and plans to put them up on eBay. MU asked for them back; he refused. MU offered to wipe them of any personal data; "it would be impossible to delete information from some of the phones because they're damaged or because doing so requires special codes," he said, lying through his teeth.

Surplus Phones Have MU Sports Messages [Columbia Daily Tribune]

2) More than just flash Even though most fans associate the Tigers brand of basketball with a wide-open playground style, they actually play some defense. In fact, according to the statistical wizards over at KenPom.com, Memphis has the most efficient defensive team in the nation allowing just 81.2 points per 100 opponent possessions.

3) Stepping up under the bright lights Not only was Robert Sallie's 35 points against Cal State-Northridge a career-high (previous high: 13 points), it was also more points than he has scored in the previous month (33 points in 8 games). — Rush the Court

MISSOURI TIGERS

1) Don't call it a comeback Ok, do. If and when Missouri goes into the locker room at halftime trailing by double digits, most Missouri fans won't necessarily be worried—the Tigers are used to falling behind. Any lead of less than 15 points is not safe against Missouri's pressing defense and tendency to score in bunches. Missouri has come back to win from deficits of 14 vs. Kansas, 12 vs. Southern Cal, and 11 at Texas. In two close-but-no-cigar games, the Tigers whittled deficits of 26 down to 7 at Texas A&M and 18 down to 1 at Nebraska. During the A&M game, one commentator said that a lead of 25 against Missouri is like a lead of 15 against any other team. This is not true, as numbers carry the same value in Missouri as they do in other states, but MU certainly has the ability to climb back out of deep holes. On the flipside, the Tigers have squandered their share of big leads throughout the season. Coach Mike Anderson's teams tend to play the same frenetic style in a tie game as they do with a 20-point lead which means lots of trapping, lots of fouling, lots of broken full-court presses, lots of easy buckets for opposing teams and lots of business for cardiologists and shrinks throughout Missouri. In lucky-to-be-winning efforts, the Tigers fumbled away leads of 19 vs. Oklahoma State and 16 vs. Marquette. Murray State cut a 16-point second-half deficit to 4. A 5-point lead against Xavier with 3:00 left resulted in a loss. Regardless of which Tiger team jumps out in front the game should be close by the final buzzer.

2) Assist-to-Turnover Purists Bow to Missouri This ultimately means that no one bows to Missouri, but basketball stat geeks will notice that the Tigers have been among the leaders in a few not-so-obscure statistical categories for most of the season. Among the remaining 16 tournament teams, Missouri ranks #2 in scoring offense, #5 in margin of victory, #5 in 3-point FG defense, #1 in assists/game, #1 in assist-to-turnover ratio, #1 in steals/game, #1 in turnovers/game (in the good way) and #1 in turnover margin. The Tigers are the best passing team in the tournament and a testament to their team play is the fact that no player is averaging over 3.6 assists/game. When Missouri is moving on offense and crisply passing the ball they're hard to stop. If Missouri depends on 1-on-1 play look for Memphis to win big.

3) Leo Lyons and Matt Lawrence did not see this coming Both players were recruited by former Missouri coach Quin Snyder and their introduction to Missouri basketball was probably less enjoyable than they had expected. Their freshman season entailed the firing of Snyder and a 12-16 finish—good for Missouri's lowest win total since 1973. If the end of Snyder's reign at Missouri was the dark ages, Lyons and Lawrence joined the team at right around the time of the plague. Enter Mike Anderson. Over the course of Lyons and Lawrence's sophomore and junior seasons the Tigers compiled a mediocre record of 34-28, enjoying brief flashes of on-the-court success and suffering through more off-the-court embarrassment. Some players transferred, some players quit, some players were arrested, some players were shot, some players were kicked off the team, but Lyons and Lawrence rode out the turbulence. As freshmen they played on one of the worst teams in the history of modern Missouri basketball. As seniors they play on one of the best. — Tyler Wells

Hooray for basketball

Before I was given the assignment that is this Missouri vs. Cornell game I had little knowledge of either team. I knew Missouri won the Big12 tournament and I knew Cornell would lose to Missouri. After my 15 minutes of research this is what I learned.

- Cornell has a 7 foot white guy. Does every champion of a crappy conference have one of these? I can't wait for him to get three fouls in 9 minutes of play.

- They say Missouri likes to press. They must be athletic.

- Cornell's biggest win was a 10-point loss to Syracuse. Go BIG RED!

- The game will be played in Boise, Idaho. I recently saw a commercial with exercise queen Denise Austin where she was hawking Idaho potatoes. It seems as if it was just yesterday I was wasting my early teenage summers on the couch each morning masturbating to her ESPN workout show. Now she is selling potatoes. Fuck.

I'm sure I'll be pulling for Cornell during this game. With no real rooting interest, why not root for the awkward, unathletic kids? Or as my friend's fiancée explains, watching sports is like watching the nature channel and always rooting for the little koala bear against the big koala bear. Well the little koala is soooooo cuuutuuuute!

Now we begin streaming this game from CBS Sports. Missouri vs. Cornell is not national broadcast material.

5:20: Game, set, and match. Missouri 78 - Cornell 59. An exciting Missouri - Marquette match-up. Can Marquette break the "press" with their 3 healthy players? Will the Junkyard Dog defeat Tito Santana for the Intercontinental Championship? Tune in on Sunday.

Thanks for reading. It's been somewhat of a lower tier honor.

Jess

5:17: Please, no more fouls. This minute is taking forever. 76-59 with 44.9 seconds to play.

5:14: "When you get tired you don't get shorter." The lady friend would disagree with that. 73-59 Tigers with 1:09 to play.

5:09: Put this game on ice. Junkyard Dog with a steal, layup by Lyons. The half-empty stadium is now 4/5th empty. 71-55 Mizzou with 2 minutes to play.

5:08: Whitman was "right in his coach's lap" when he hit his last three. What goes on in Ithaca?

5;05: Hard foul on Tyler (Bear) by Taylor (Tiger). That was fun to type. 65-52 Tigers. The excitement is palpable.

5:03: Gillette sculpting paste. Look like a Eastern European male porn star with just one glob.

5:02: Time out on the court. 3:54 left to play. 14 point Missouri lead. That translates to "chaos on the floor". I would expect at least a fire for chaos.

5:00: 6'9", 240, repetitive jumper? Hey, that's my EHarmony tag line.

4:56: We are in a sad place in this world where "Sticktoitivness" is allowed to be said by anyone that has above a 3rd grade education. 60-48 Missouri with 6:10 to play.

4:54: The Cornell "Big Red" Bear mascot looks like it was built at the Teddy Bear Factory. Gayest bear ever.

4:51: 8:14 left to play, a 12 point game. Cornell pretending they care.

4:49: Hey look, the 7-ft white guy, Jeff Foote, just missed a dunk. Oh you adorable, tall, awkward white guy you. 14 point game, inside of 9.

4:48: For those that care, Missouri is up by 15 with 9 and change to play.

4:47: Whitman drops the big elbow on his defender. Right to the chin. Your supposed to do that to the Junkyard Dog.

4:46: "I love his stroke" says Wenzel. Sure you do, sure you do.

4:43: 16 point lead for Missouri. 11:29 to play. I think someone's covering...

4:41: "If Missouri had a burner they turned it up to high." Can I just listen to Leo Lyons rap instead of these announcers?

4:39: What, Pitt & ETSU is tied?

4:37: "The Junkyard Dog" has just passed 1000 points for his career in Missouri. He must be a special player. And headbutt people. Still a 12 point game with 12:46 to play.

4:34: Kim English hits a 3. Follow that by a Cornell bucket in the paint. 10 point game.

4:32: "Down the barrel she goes"? What? Three by Cornell. Pretending to make a game of it. 42-34.

4:28: Missouri up by 11. Another commercial. Oh SNAP! A USC & UCLA girl in the same elevator. A Syracuse guy and a Georgetown guy sharing wings. Must have both the NCAA and NIT package at that bar.

4:26: Oh, the announcers are explaining "denial" defense. Thanks. Now my grandmother knows . Where's Slider to explain the curveball?

4:22: At Taco Bell Arena does everyone get a free taco if there is a steal? Cornell seems to have given up. 40-31 Missouri. Fucking UPS guy.

4:21: I'm just saying that this whole Missouri press isn't all that impressive. At least they can shoot this half. 36-31 Missouri - 17:50 on the clock.

4:19: Hey look, basketball's back. Lyons with a drive and the hoop to start the half. 31-25 Mizzou.

4:17: Hey look, a strange yellow train frozen in time. Thanks CBS!

4:14: Sussman, am I allowed to take a shit?

4:12: I don't know who this AT&T Halftime analyst is, but he looks like some sort of Shannon Sharpe/Sam Cassel combo platter.

4:08: What the fuck is this Gillette commercial? Sega Dreamcast graphics for Tiger & Federer and then real life Jeter fight over razors? Who fights over razors? Are they in Zimbabwe?

4:04: Her?, did you just say that Leo Lyons opened for Bone Thugs & Harmony? I'm with FTrain on this - how do they get opening acts? What state fair was this? Where's my East 1999 Eternal cassette tape?

4:02: From a basement rec-room in Teaneck, NJ - it's your March Madness on Demand AT&T At the Half show.

4:00: Charles Schwab, or is it Chuck? Chuck, who is bailing the strange cartoon character people out? Their economy is in shambles.

3:57: The "first cousin" of Chris Paul doesn't seem to shoot, pass, play like his relative at all. He does have #3 on his jersey, though. Big dunk by Missouri. Cornell runs down the court and makes a last second 2 to end the half. 29-25 Missouri at the half.

3:55: Lyons with the bucket and the foul. Hits free throw. 27-23 Tigers. Leo Lyons writes his own music and "I wouldn't be surprised if he finds his own record label really soon."

3:52: Leo Lyons with a big ally-oop. Look at that. Exciting basketball. 24-23 Missouri. Another UPS commercial in 3,2,1.

3:49: We are under 4 minutes. Cornell with the ball and the lead 23-22. Missouri can't hit anything at all. Nothing.

3:46: Cornell takes a 23-22 lead, annoucing to the world, "It's pronounced Cor-nell! It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!"

3:44: After a 3 by Cornell, two buckets by Missouri, followed by Cornell breaking the press and hitting a layup. 22-21 Missouri.

3:42: It seems that this Whitman kid on Cornell is the son of Randy Whitman of Syracuse fame (I think). I wonder if they'll mention this again?

3:40: 18-16 Cornell with 7:20 left in the 1st.

3:38: Cornell with 2 threes in a row. White guys who shoot? WHa? 16-15 Cornell.

3:37: This game is gross so far. Tiller hits two free throws. 15-10. Here comes the press.

3:33: According to the announcers Missouri "will not panic in the tournament" because "they have been here before". Thank GOD. I was all worried about the nervous, inexperienced #3 seed from a major conference. 13-10 Tiger 9:45 left in the 1st.

3:32: Oh, Wolverine commercial. Shit is blowing up. WOW!

3:30: 11:31 left in the first. 13-8 Mizzou. Commercial. Announcers seemed to be consistently impressed with the Tigers' depth. That's uncomfortable.

3:28: Kim English "tickles the twine" for a three. Fuck, 8 minutes into the game and we are going to "tickles the twine"? Long day for the announcers. Another Missouri Bucket. 13-8 Mizzou.

3:26: Tiller called for a questionable charge. Cornell is running the Hootie and the Blowfish lineup with the 4 white guys and the black dude. Still 8's

3:25: Tied at 8's. Have yet to smell the sweat. But the golden tie could be worth a lot of gas money from "Gold For Cash".

3:23: Cornell cheerleaders look smart.

3:21: I just learned that "Missouri had the fewest turnovers in the history of their program this year." This will win my pub trivia next Monday. 6-6. Commercial break.

3:19: Like the back of a Volkswagon, the Missouri press is "uncomfortable". 6-4 Cornell.

3:16: Carroll plays "many positions", is called "Junkyard Dog" because he is relentless, and has "long hair and good grades". Also scores first bucket for Missouri. 5-2

3:15: 5-0 Cornell. Whitman with a 3. Where's the press?

3:14: We have announcers and everything! Tall white guy for Cornell wins tip.

3:10: It seems that people in Boise have something better to do than go to a Missouri/Cornell game. I cannot possibly imagine what that is.

3:06: "Your game has not started yet please stay tuned." Can't I even get a Coke Zero commercial?

3:01: What, no game?

2) DeMarre, DeMarre, DeMarre That being said, when the Tigers are on, they're on. Their 81.1 points per game is good for sixth in the country, and they're second in steals per game and first in assists per game. The man who can do it all is DeMarre Freakin' Carroll. DeMarre Carroll, Missouri's representative on the first team all-Big 12, averages 16.8 ppg, 7.3 rpg, 2 apg and 1.6 spg. He also screams a lot. When he's not busy scoring, assisting, stealing (basketballs only, promise), rebounding or screaming, he's succeeding academically. He's on the Academic all-Big 12 team, meaning his head's screwed on a lot tighter than many of his Tiger predecessors. Or maybe all of them. Regardless, it's probably unwise to not pay attention to a 6-7, braided monster who's nicknamed the Junkyard Dog. The Junkyard Dog! Those kids at Cornell just peed a little reading that.

3) The ghost of Athena. Ah, yes. The infamous Athena nightclub. It's the place where hoop dreams literally go to die. In January of '08, back when the Tigers had a respectable chance to make a dent in the Big 12, a minor scuffle-turned-brawl-turned-minor riot occurred at Athena, a favorite hangout spot for Missouri athletes. Seniors Stefhon Hannah and Jason Horton—who were both pretty important and stuff—were charged with assault, and a total of five players were either cut or suspended due to the "altercation." The Missouri men's basketball team promptly descended to basketball hell, all hope was lost, and the program became even more of a joke than it was during the final days of Quin Snyder's reign. Coach Mike Anderson has since replaced many of the offenders with players more up to his personal standards (read: decent human beings) and the results have been special. Nobody knows how long this unexpected success will last, but hey, why let the fun end now? — Ian Thomas

CORNELL BIG RED

1) The Best Laid Plans... At this point last year, the Big Red were coming off an undefeated Ivy League season and looking to make a national impression in the tournament as a 14 seed. Instead, Cornell travelled cross country to Anaheim, had their worst shooting day of the year, got clobbered by third-seeded Stanford, and had their cheerleaders mocked by Bill Simmons. So in planning for 2009, Cornell decided to push for a better seed in the tournament. The Big Red returned their five leaders in minutes, including reigning Ivy League POY Louis Dale, sharpshooting forward Ryan Wittman (son of Randy), and 7-foot center Jeff Foote. In addition, the team set up an ambitious non-conference schedules for a Cornell team, including games at Syracuse, at Minnesota, at St. Joseph's, and vs. St. John's in the NIT Tip-Off. Things were looking rosy for the Red, right up until a few weeks before their opening game when they lost their entire starting backcourt—consisting of Dale and senior Adam Gore—to injuries. As a result, Cornell dropped all of their tough non-conference games and blew double-digit halftime leads against the Orange and Gophers. Dale and Gore have since returned to action—though Ivy League Rookie of the Year Chris Wroblewski has taken Gore's place in the starting lineup—and the Big Red won the Ancient Eight for the second straight year. They are the first non-Penn, non-Princeton Ivy League school in 50 years to earn consecutive NCAA Tournament berths. Their reward for such accomplishments is another 14 seed and another cross country trip. But instead of sunny Anaheim, they'll be in Boise, Idaho this year. At least it will make Ithaca seem more exciting when they get back.

2) Earning Their Andy Bernard Comparisons Cornell is traditionally a hockey school before anything else. Every year, Cornell students camp out for season tickets to Big Red men's hockey and, before the school changed the system three years ago, risk broken limbs in a mad weeknight stampede to claim line numbers. Cornell's Lynah Rink is known as one of the toughest places for visiting teams to play due to the volume and spirit of the student fans. The men's basketball team's recent rise to (relative) prominence has resulted in record attendance for Big Red basketball. But while the quantity of student fans may be there, the quality is not. Back in November, Cornell hosted South Dakota in their season opener. It was supposed to be a game to celebrate last year's accomplishments with the raising of the Ivy League Champion banner, as well as set the tone for a highly-anticipated season. At the end of the game, however, nearly every student in the crowd was booing. The Big Red didn't lose—in fact they won by 10—but by only scoring 79 points, the students were denied their free chicken wings at Generic Local Chicken Wing Restaurant. This situation nearly resulted in a unusual incident a couple weeks ago. The game that clinched the Ivy League title for Cornell was won by a score of 83-59 over Penn. Had the Big Red scored four points fewer in that game, it would have been the first occurrence in world history of students storming the court while booing.

3) Cornell's Best Hope for a National Title (Obviously Not Basketball) This year, Cornell best sport is wrestling. Seriously, their wrestling team is number 2 in the nation. Who knew? — Max Wasserman

After the Hornets' Chris Paul told the world that he had never heard of or met this alleged "Miguel" person, the Missouri freshman guard had to backtrack on his story a little bit. School officials clarified yesterday, saying that Miguel Paul's father met a man named James Paul, who is Chris Paul's uncle. The two talked and realized that they have a lot of common friends and even a few common relatives. Miguel and Chris are apparently not first cousins (even though it says that in Mizzou media guide), but they are distant relations and Miguel's family was invited to the Paul family reunion. So that's something! I'm sure Big 12 fans will keep that in mind and not ridicule him at all when the Tigers visit this season.

Missouri coach Mike Anderson sums it up this way: “Miguel’s situation. He’s a part of that (Paul) family. Maybe not as big a part as he thought he was.”

Ok, maybe they didn't actually meet, but they do have a real "connection." And honestly, when you get right down to it—aren't we all related to every other person on this big beautiful ball we call Earth? Now how about a hug?

Paul’s ties to NBA star questioned [Columbia Tribune]
Tigers guard might have embellished family connection [Missourian]
Missouri destroys Colorado 107-62 [KC Star]

A story in the Columbia Missourian last fall told the inspiring tale about how freshman Tiger guard Miguel Paul met his hero and distant relative at a high school tournament in North Carolina, where Chris is from. Miguel scored 36 points in the championship game and went back to the victorious locker room to find Chris waiting for him.

They talked for a few minutes, and Chris Paul gave his cousin some advice. He told Miguel Paul to play with his head and just have fun.

Wake Forest, Chris Paul’s alma mater was working hard at the time to recruit Miguel Paul, but Chris didn’t try to influence Miguel’s decision.

“I wanted to create my own footsteps, go my own way,” Miguel Paul said.

It was Miguel Paul’s play in the tournament that motivated his cousin to organize the surprise meeting.

That is a good story. Too good to check, almost. Until a Missouri student decided to go to New Orleans on assignment for Columbia's NBC-affiliate and ask Paul about his younger cousin.

As he was walking out of the Alario Center after practice, Chris said he had never heard or met Miguel.

Oh. That's unfortunate.

Like Chris, Miguel wears number 3 and teammates call him MP3, instead of CP3. (Maybe he just really likes downloading music?) But either Chris Paul has a lot of cousins and a bad memory or Miguel Paul has an active imagination. Maybe both, but that's why they call it The Show Me State.

* * * * *

That's it for Deadspin today. See you tomorrow when I'm sure more hijinks will ensue. By the way, if any of my cousins call asking for money, I'm not here.

Not only are the mothers, wives, and girlfriends of players and coaches not the least bit interesting, they are without fail, actively annoying. I believe they may even be contributing to the downfall of America. These reactions and replays need to stop.

The only good thing about them is that you occasionally get a golden one like this. Nothing beats seeing obnoxious fans (note the two at the top especially) raising their arms in triumph as the most accurate kicker in NCAA history attempts to win a bowl game—and then the dumbfounded look on their faces as they realize he pushed it a foot past the upright. It's the little things that make life worth living.

Of course, the Tigers went on to beat Northwestern in overtime, so there were still plenty more shots of Chase Daniel's family losing their Missouri-loving minds over a win in the freakin' Alamo Bowl. Not that I'm bitter about it or anything.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:45 — All right. Signing off. Man, that blew. Not for Oklahoma, of course. And not for fans of the Big XII, probably. But for me, and for Missouri, and for all of the populous who foolishly tuned in wanting a good game. So if you must watch Cincy-Hawaii, then so be it. Either way, thanks for following this game — or at the very least, refreshing the page — and our paths shall cross again at the next lively blog.

11:44 — Sam Bradford says that "a lot of people said we didn't deserve to be in this game." Fun fact: Sam Bradford's car only gets Austin radio stations.

11:42 — Probably for the best. Missouri lets the clock run down on their own misery, and I suppose Oklahoma and Florida — not USC, Texas, or Alabama — will be in the BCS championship game.

11:38 — The kickoff takes a funny bounce and hits Maclin in the head, then has to field the ball and gets tackled at the 7-yard line. I think we can make that the Deadspin Profitable Sponsor© Live Blog Microcosm Of The Game.

11:34 — Madu runs ragged, and it's 62 points! DiMaggio's streak ... Gretzky's scoring ... Chamberlain's 100 points ... the fall of the Berlin wall ... this streak of five straight games of 60-point games ranks up there with all of them. AND YET I'M SOMEHOW NOT VERY EXCITED.

21 62

11:29 — And ... pickstorm. Lendy Holmes returns it about 20 yards, and then the OU sideline gets two penalties after the play is over. Bob Stoops tears the kidneys out of the perpetrators, then the Sooners fans cheer "We want Florida!" I love how national champs are decided by who the fans want in a knee-jerk championship matchup.

11:28 — "Chase Daniel would love to deny Oklahoma this record." No, he'd love to win the goddamn game. That won't happen, though. I don't think he cares about how many points OU scores if OU is going to win.

11:22 — Touchdown, Chris Brown. Hey little Sooner, do you want to know a secret? Because I know one and it is soooo good to hear it. You want to know what it schwas? I know ... how to score .. all the way to schfifty five.

21 55

11:21 — Musberger refers to the new Cowboys stadium as "The Jones Mahal." I think that'll work nicely.

11:18 — Nobody told Iglesias to stop trying. I guess he must have Tim Tebow's motivational speech on his Zune.

11:16 — The referee is not thinking about where Oklahoma will finish in the BCS standings. They're still throwing flags and calling penalties and doing their job and other boring minutia. Oklahoma now "triesforsixtypoints" and such.

11:11 — A less impressive catch by Coffman in the endzone is nonetheless a catch in the endzone. AND THE STREAK CONTINUES.

21 48

11:10 — All right, that was rather fine. Chase Coffman gets a pinky-toe inbounds as he dives for the catch.

11:09 — Maclin catches a touchdown. OR MAYBE IT WASN'T. They're waving it off, saying he didn't maintain possession. He caught it, then let it fall out of his arm as he slid in the endzone. Guess they'll have to settle for 14.

11:07 — Oh, but nobody's talking about Missouri trying to score 20 points in 13 straight games. Nothing at all? The Tigers are 30 yards away from that.

11:01 — OKLAHOMA WANTS TO SCORE 60 POINTS. In this sentence, Oklahoma = ABC. They're 12 points away from that with Mossis Madu's run.

14 48

Third Quarter

10:57 — Just one more quarter? I think I can tough it out.

10:54 — Boring first down after boring first down, and Herbstreit is thrilled that the fullback with big hair caught a pass. Just look at that long hair. Er ... flip the picture 180 degrees.

10:45 — Points! Thank heavens. Daniel to Tommy Saunders. 1.75/10.

14 41

10:44 — The game is so exciting, ABC's just going to keep showing Oklahoma defensive coordinator Brent Venables signal in the formation to his players. It's as exciting as it looks.

10:42 — Missouri converts a fourth down. And with that, the game has gone from a 1/10 to a 1.15/10.

10:41 — Thanks, Herbstreit, for mentioning that the Bowling Green coaching position is still open. Musberger has nothing to add to that. Back to this rout.

10:39 — Jeremy Maclin, after that hit, is a two-dimensional football player. Someone please pull him from the turf.

10:33 — Dan Beebe, the Big XII commissioner, joins ABC in the booth and hints at wanting a Texas-Oklahoma national championship game. Oh, that joker! Seriously, that man's like a kid who inherited a candy store. He has three teams in the top 10, and yet the conference is under so much heat because of their fifth divisional championship tie-breaker.

10:29 — Jimmy Stevens gets a much more actual leg underneath the field goal try, and a 30-yard field goal is good. Hell, that'd have been good from 33. Meanwhile, Brent and Kirk are distracted — nay, silenced — by meat on a grill. Then again, who isn't?

7 41

10:24 — Florida is playing Oklahoma in the national championship game, and Sam Bradford will win the Heisman. It's already been decided in the booth, you see. "I know I'm getting ahead of myself," Musberger finally concedes, then Herbstreit puts reality in perspective. The Sooners are just trying to get to 60 points, which means they'll have done it five games in a row, which has never been done before. Also what hasn't been done before: crying in three consecutive live blogs.

10:21 — Might as well punt it at midfield. No use trying to force the five required touchdowns right away.

10:17 — And we're back! Oh, and yes, the kickoff return had a penalty. Nice to see the refs coming out of the halftime making some good adjustments.

Halftime Entertainment Video

How about "Bohemian Rhapsody" played with farty hands? That'll work.

Second Quarter

9:55 — Oh my that finally ended. You ... you mean there's another 30 minutes of this game left?

9:52 — Chase Daniel will channel his inner Rex Grossman and just go deep from here on out. If this was a video game, the reset button would have been violently dinged by now.

9:50 — Chris Brown runs it to put the score up to Ludicrous Lead. They've gone to plaid.

7 38

9:48 — All this talk of Texas scoring 70 points in a B12 championship game a few years ago just isn't funny. Because ... well, OU intercepts Daniel on the slant pass. That's why. Following the I-N-T is Bradford tossing it downfield to set up another 1st and goal.

9:44 — Mossis Madu gathers the toss and runs for a non-penalized non-reviewed touchdown. After further review, I picked the wrong game to live blog.

7 31

9:42 — Of course OU brandishes their football genitals in the face of the Missouri defense, and throws an out route to move the chains.

9:41 — Finally, the Sooners hit a 4th down. Ah hell, Stoops tells his team, just stay in there and convert it. Nobody's watching anyway.

9:38 — Head ref: "There is no foul on the play."

9:35 — Missouri's failed third down conversion seems as good a time as any to share with you a video e-mailed to me by Kansas fan Alex, of Chase Daniel playing with his own nose goblins. Seems apt.

9:29 — To the orange thrower: take your moronic OJ Simpson protests somewhere else.

9:27 — Did ... did Herbie just say someone threw an orange onto the field? And the the refs didn't stop play? The orange is guilty of illegal citric contact and that should have been 10 yards at the spot of the rind. Instead, Bradford flings it to Iglesias (again) for a huge(r) lead.

7 24

9:25 — By the way, 1st and goal Oklahoma.

9:24 — That didn't take too long. Daniel stretches for another yards and gets the ball popped out. OU recovers, but it's a questionable call, so the referees won't look it over. And why would they? Nobody was taunting the other team. A screen capture of the head referee:

9:22 — Oklahoma calls a timeout. On DEFENSE!? After a KICK RETURN!? That's probably a 5-yard penalty. Why not? Everything else is.

9:18 — Bradford to Juaquin Iglesias to put the lead back up to 10. Iglesies draws an unsportsmanlike after the touchdown. Is the head referee gonna have to break out more country-fresh colloquialisms?

7 17

9:17 — The referee gets both teams into a huddle, probably to tell them to stop getting so many daggum penalties, because that's not your your momma raised you, and other folksy maxims of that nature.

9:15 — OU just keeps rolling up the first downs. Tell you what. If you've got this game on mute, and still want the full effect of the game, just play this every 3 minutes:

9:13 — SOME KIND OF INJURY UPDATE. DeMarco Murray is out of the game with an injury. Oklahoma will be in trouble if they're not a prestigious team with a talent-loaded depth chart.

9:08 — Daniel to Maclin on a 3rd and long, finds a porous spot in OU's secondary — much like Oklahoma's terrain in general — and skips to his own loo for a touchdown. Mizzou gets a "Non contact foul" after the TD, and a "falsified start" on the PAT, proving you don't have to punch an opponent to break rules in the game of football.

7 10

9:05 — So Scrubs is now hopping from network station to network station? That's very strange and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. With that said, back to you, Brent Musberger!

9:02 — For being down 10 points, Missouri's offense is hanging in there. That is, of course, a euphemism for "down by 27 by the third quarter."

First Quarter

8:57 — Yes, one of ABC's highlights in their first quarter montage was a missed field goal. Hot football action, indeed.

8:56 — OMG IT'S A SLIGHTLY TRENDY FORMATION! A lateral back to Daniel tricks OU into pass interference, and the drive continues. Curse the inventor of the Wildcat formation!

8:52 — The Sooner Schooner broke down at midfield during that TV timeout. Barry Switzer is furious.

8:50 — Brown strolls in for a touchdown up the middle. Officials look over whether the band began "Boomer Sooner" with forte or mezzo forte.

0 10

8:49 — Chris Brown rushes for six yards. And yet the officials accept that result at their word, without looking at it again.

8:47 — Officials stop to review whether the ball was caught and downed by Oklahoma or caught and fumbled and recovered by Oklahoma. You read that right. Probably.

8:42 — Funny how when Chase Daniel avoids three sacks, then gets flattened for a three yard gain, it still hurts. Missouri punts back.

8:39 — Bradford shanks two straight passes, letting them hit the ground instead of a receiver's torso. Tack on a personal foul on Oklahoma for crying out it, and OU has to punt on 4th and 25. Horribly, I might add. Mike Knall treats the ball like a bishop, and kicks it diagonally out of bounds for 26 yards.

8:34 — Offsetting personal fouls. Two people feel bad, and the game is not affected. Jeff Wolfert attempts the 49-yard field goal and it wobbles a couple of yards short. If nothing else, Wolfert can take solace in that it went twice that of Stevens' kick earlier in the game. OU ball.

8:33 — Jeremy Maclin, when he touches the ball, has the chance to score every time, says Kirk Herbstreit. Technically, doesn't everyone?

8:32 — Chase Daniel, white running quarterback. A columnist's dream.

8:29 — No, I'm not convinced Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and Derrick Washington are IMPACT PLAYERS for Missouri if it's not to the tune of "Thunderstruck."

8:26 — Proving it's immensely difficult to fuck up a 20-yard field goal, Jimmy Stevens puts his team on top by trois.

0 3

8:24 — Did the receiver step out of bounds, or did he step out of bounds further down? An official review is underway to see whether or not it's 4th and goal or 4th and goal.

8:22 — Sam Bradford throws two incomplete passes, and Musberger and Herbstreit can't explain why that happened. Declaring he's not actually Midwest Jesus hasn't been ruled out.

8:20 — No wonder OU has a great offensive line. They have great names like "Phil Loadholt." So far they've gone to the red zone with hardly any problem.

8:14 — Marvelous camerawork to get that coin toss. In the entire history of coin tosses, only one has ever been botched. Not this one. Good thing Oklahoma didn't lose that coin toss, because then Texas would have won the tiebreaker and they'd usurp the sideline and play Missouri in this game.

Pre-Game Babble

It's so adorable. Missouri has convinced themselves they're as good as Oklahoma, and I'd like them to convince all of us of the same thing, because, dammit, some of us decided to stay in and watch this game. If anything else languishes around as a morsel of comfort, it's that the Big XII Championship has a slight history of being unpredictable. Double-digit favorites haven't always won this baby.

The problem, however, is that OU is 5-1 in this game since 2000, with their only loss coming to Kansas State in 2003. Which means Missouri might not have a chance in this game unless Chase Daniel wears an Ell Roberson mask, and surprises the Oklahoma defense like a Mailbox Monster from Toe Jam & Earl. In fact I'm pretty sure "Mailbox Monster" is a trick play up Gary Pinkel's visor. Mark it down.

It's Bingo Time

First I Lean With It, Then I Donk With It [Mizzourah]
Missouri Safety William Moore Doubles As Rapper [Missourian]

Oklahoma won the regular season game, but Missouri didn't have their starting running back then, and they've gotten better since, and they're sorta ranked first. I guess you can't please everyone with bold predictions, so I'll just insult them both.

Missouri and Oklahoma, you both suck. 100 percent of the population believes at least one of you aren't good enough to win the Big XII. Put that on your bulletin board and smoke it. Ohio State and Florida in the title game! Hooray, rematch!!

Also, I still don't know how the hell to get Hawaii into the BCS Champeenship game, unless my patent for a Y-shaped football field finally gets approved and I can bring in three teams. They play tonight at 11:45 p.m. against Washington, the first BCS conference school on their schedule. If somebody, anybody, wants to explain why announcers are mandated to wear flowery Hawaiian shirts any time they broadcast from Hawaii, I'm all for it.

So it's the last day of Division I bowl football, until the bowls in a few weeks. Why such a long drought between games? Hey, the student athletes have to take their exams, and three weeks is more than enough time for the players to find out what classes they enrolled in back in August, purchase textbooks from Half.com, pose for a video montage of them cramming, and getting that hard-earned C-plus.

Missouri and West Virginia are just one win away from reaching the national championship game, and that's such an insane notion that we can't help but embrace it. As much as we'd enjoy watching our Illini in the Rose Bowl — which will likely happen if either team loses, putting Ohio State in the BCS title game — we are smitten with the unconventional Mizzou-WVU game. It seems like a championship game you'd only see on a video game.

And if they both lose ... heck, chaos ensues. And that's all anyone wants, really.

What A Bunch Of Losers [Slate]

• Absorb It. There will be no Good, Bad, and Indifferent. There will be no major postgame analysis from me for at least another few days. Take a step back and absorb all this win has to offer. Folks, your Missouri Tigers are 11-1, champions of the Big 12 North, and controllers of their own destiny in the national championship hunt. [Rock M Nation]

• LOUD NOISES!!! It's a celebration bitches. The 36-28 Tiger win means we're heading to San Antone for a rematch against Oklahoma, which has gone into the shitter lately. Looks good for the Tigers. Props to the Wi-fi at the bar and props to the waitress I'm going to try to take advantage of tonight. [...] Good thing McDonalds still Supersizes, so it's not the end of the world in the Mangino household. Rick James needs an extra pair of hands to give them (man)titties four thumbs down! [Mizzourah]

• I'm Proud To Be A Jayhawk. We lost. Just like everyone else in college football, save the Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii, someone beat us. I finally, for the first time in my life, know what it is like to lose a college football game that means so much. I know what it means to control your own destiny for a trip to the National Title game, and lose. It's a tough feeling. But just the mere fact that we were there, just the opportunity to control our own destiny is enough progress for one year. We didn't go to a bowl game last year, barely qualifying at 6-6. This year, we are heading into the postseason stage of college football at 11-1, a trip to the Cotton Bowl or better all but wrapped up. [Rock Chalk Talk]

• Who's No. 1? (1) Mizzou. (2) West Virginia. If one stumbles: Ohio St. If both stumble: Both won't. [Dan Shanoff]

• These Tigers Are No. 1. Just like last week, the Tigers will be atop of the new BCS standings. But it will be the Missouri Tigers who replace the LSU Tigers as the 2007 regular season enters its final week. Closing in at No. 2 and a spot in the BCS title game will be West Virginia. After demolishing overmatched UConn on Saturday, the Mountaineers should have a commanding lead in the standings over No. 3 Ohio State. The Buckeyes are hardly out of it, however. Should Missouri lose to Oklahoma in the Big XII championship game, Ohio State will be playing in its second straight BCS national championship game. [BCS Guru]

Even though this BCS mumbo jumbo hurts my brain, I'm pretty sure the winner moves one victory away from a possible spot in the national championship game. The loser might fall to the Cotton Bowl. Or tomorrow's Grey Cup. Who really knows? There's a lot on the line, OK. Hell, they're even making weird Nickelback-like songs about it for crying out loud! (.mp3)

And oh, yeah, my sports almanac from the future reads: Kansas 41, Missouri 38. Thanks, Biff! Enjoy the game.

Our main hope is that whoever wins tomorrow night goes on to defeat Oklahoma (probably) in the Big 12 championship game; no offense to West Virginia, but it would be awfully entertaining to see either Kansas or Missouri in the national championship of football. New blood is always fun, and there's not much newer blood than these two teams.

The only key is that you watch the game in HD; otherwise, you're never gonna get a complete shot of Mangino, who's about to make his debut on a national, primetime, network television stage. If you're still hanging out with your family Saturday night, Mangino's going to be the talk of your dinner table. And then he will come through your television and eat it.

So now do we enter the Les Miles Era at Michigan? Everyone's assuming that this is pretty much a lock (my suggestion of Steve Mariucci is rudely ignored, of course). Hmm, some are not so sure. And, of course, Political Outcast called the whole thing back on Sept. 2 (although I'm surethey weren't alone).

Goodbye, Lloyd. By all accounts you're a pretty nice guy; but you couldn't beat Ohio State, so you're screwed.

• Let The Good Times Roll. It seems that your fears about Saturday's Kansas-Missouri showdown were unfounded. They will be selling beer at Arrowhead Stadium. Repeat: There WILL be beer. "KU associate athletic director Jim Marchiony said all three parties — KU officials, MU officials and Chiefs officials — discussed the alcohol issue and decided to give it a thumbs up. It's not as if fans from both schools won't be partying it up all afternoon in the parking lots anyway, but ..." [Kansas City.com]

• The Air Up There. Come with us now to the mountains of Peru, as an Ohio State fans argues with a Michigan fan at Machu Pichu. I think I see Lloyd Carr riding a llama in the distance. [Big Ten Tailgate]