Denver @ Buffalo, CBS

J.P. Losman will try to take the ball to the house. Get in there, ball, that's your home! Are you too good for your home?!?! ANSWER ME!!!

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland, CBS

Have you heard the joke about the fire marshall walking into the firehouse where Steely McBeam and Brady Quinn were practicing CPR? You have? Oh.

Philadelphia @ Green Bay, FOX

Brett Favre will embark on another another sub-par season, unless his team can upgrade at wide receiver or someone else in his family dies.

Kansas City @ Houston, CBS

Fantasy owners have reacted strongly to Chiefs coach Herm Edwards's decision to split Larry Johnson's carries today. I hope Coach doesn't take a motorcade through Dealey Plaza anytime soon.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville, CBS

David Garrard is now the starter. Leftwich is suddenly gonzo. This is why you should never wear suits as a coach. It's impossible to make good decisions when you look so damn good.

Atlanta @ Minnesota, FOX

Purple Jesus prepares to ascend his throne, and Minnesota looks good at home in this one. Hey, remember "My Little Buttercup" from Three Amigos? You think Falcons QB Joey Harrington knows that song?

New England @ New York Jets, CBS

If the Jets finish worse than 12-4 OR lose their first game, I win $100. This is why all of your sports bets should be with women in Indianapolis.

Carolina @ St. Louis, FOX

I would have taken Stephen Jackson No. 1 this year in any fantasy league. I also like my coffee with sweetener and paste. One of those statements is actually true.

Miami @ Washington, CBS

Our very own The Maj will be in attendance at this game. Unfortunately, tiny black men show up terribly on television without HD. But then again, so do the Redskins.

So one of the glaring inequities I've thought about is that when one assumes such a daunting task as trying to manage a dozen post-adolescent males and their make-believe experience, you are required—by law—to work for free. And it is work, as anyone who has ever been the commish can attest.

However, if I decide to enroll our league in a premium service (which I would never do, since Fleaficker is the absolute balls), I would be required to pay for that service. This, conversely, would be totally legal.

So if one person is doing all the work and actually documenting things and is answering emails at all hours, then it's gambling...but when some other facility is doing the work and charging me for it...it's a service?

Paging Deadspin LLC...

So one of the glaring inequities I've thought about is that when one assumes such a daunting task as trying to manage a dozen post-adolescent males and their make-believe experience, you are required—by law—to work for free. And it is work, as anyone who has ever been the commish can attest.

However, if I decide to enroll our league in a premium service (which I would never do, since Fleaficker is the absolute balls), I would be required to pay for that service. This, conversely, would be totally legal.

So if one person is doing all the work and actually documenting things and is answering emails at all hours, then it's gambling...but when some other facility is doing the work and charging me for it...it's a service?

Paging Deadspin LLC...