We knew this back in January, and now it's official: Ray Lewis is heading to ESPN. He'll join Trent Dilfer, Steve Young, and Stuart Scott for Monday night pre-game and post-game analysis. It's a big hire for ESPN, which will soon have enough ex-NFLers to fill out an alumni-game two-deep.

That really didn't take long. SI's Richard Deitsch reports that Ray Lewis's next career will be up in Bristol. ESPN's Monday Night Countdown is where we'll likely see the most of him. And how did ESPN swallow up Lewis so fast? ESPN had a built-in advantage over any other network that wanted to make a play for him.…

How many places, exactly, are "fuckin'"? West Virginia is fuckin'. Baltimore is fuckin'. Even Amherst is fuckin'.

Houston at New England (ESPN): This has all the makings for a legitimate barn burner and as they look ahead to next week's matchup, Tirico and Gruden must be doing somersaults. Alas, this game will play out the only way an ostensibly exciting game involving the Patriots can play out: crushing, no-doubt-about-it defeat. …

What could possibly possess a Florida man to beat up his wife, shoot at three deputies trying to arrest him, and hole up in his house for an hours-long standoff? RG3. Also, lots of alcohol and pills.

The Washington Redskins held on for a 17-16 home win over the Giants last night in a win that had team owner and legendary shitweasel Dan Snyder claiming "I hate those motherfuckers."

Who's in charge of ESPN's Twitter account, and why are they tweeting at a bunch of famous people about tonight's Giants-Redskins game? Trying to boost ratings? A game between the defending Super Bowl champions and a team with one of the season's most exciting rookies probably won't be overlooked, so these tweets just…

Apparently, ESPN's Monday Night Football broadcast runs some Twitter contest that amounts to "What player is Jon Gruden thinking of right now?" Last night, Gruden was thinking of San Francisco's NaVorro Bowman, which user @DanShedd correctly guessed. The MNF crew congratulated Dan on Twitter, told him what he won,…

Chicago at San Francisco: So, this might have been a decent game but neither starting quarterback will be playing due to concussions. Instead it's Jason Campbell and Colin Kaepernick. Yikes. Kaepernick did surprise the Jets earlier this year with some solid Wildcat-esque play, but presumably the Bears will actually be …

Ben Roethlisberger may be a "jagoff" notorious for his barroom antics, but when an item showed up in ESPN's televised rundown before Monday Night Football tonight titled "Roethlisberger Drink & Drunk," it caught many viewers by surprise.