I'm not a gambling man (because that's illegal and wrong in my state), but it has been pointed out that the Texans were favored at home on Monday Night Football, yet somehow failed to win. Or maybe someone's fantasy team needed about 200 total yards and a passing touchdown? What other reasons can you think of that would make a ref feel inclined to give one up top to the winning quarterback?

Actually, I know what it is. High-fiving is just an instinct. No matter how you feel about someone, no matter impartial you're supposed to pretend to be ... you just can't leave a man hanging like that.

Hey, buddy. High five!

Honorable Mention: New York Islanders goaltender Dwayne Roloson made 58 saves last night to beat ... oh, I'm sorry, it was just the Maple Leafs. Most of their shots probably just slowly skidded to a stop before they got to him.

Want to nominate someone for Last Night's Winner? Send me an email at dashiell@deadspin.com.

So take a nap and eat a hearty dinner, because the hype and hyperbole will be as thick as the bullshit that Brett Favre and his many biographers shoveled in our faces all summer. (Not that I'm taking sides!)

Anyway ... Vikings-Packers. This is IMPORTANT, PEOPLE! When you see your loved ones tonight, give them a big hug and don't let go. Me? I'm probably going to read Mitch Albom's new book and think about all the regrets of my life. It's a long list.

Courage.

* * * * *

Thank you for continued support of Deadspin Airlines.

Thomas Edward Brady Jr. will play his first real football game in twelve months, which means this season—unlike 2008's unholy abomination—will actually count. The prophecies have spoken of the "offense that will not huddle" and how the father of a handsome child shall smite that enemy with accurate mid-range passing. Joy unto the world for all days! It's almost like I had forgotten how to breathe and he is the giant asthma inhaler that will clear the bronchial tubes of my soul. Yes. I believe that metaphor works.

Then after after that—Chargers at Raiders! I predict that Tuesday Morning's America will have had such a good night's sleep, the health care crisis will be solved before lunch.

Knee injury behind him, Tom Brady determined to return Patriots to glory [Boston Herald]
Brady finally confirms Bundchen's pregnancy [SF Gate]

* * * * *

The world is yours, readers, so open thread your brains out below. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and the greater Boston area. Some one still loves you.

Does anyone remember this gem from back in 2007, when federal agents brought up the name "Bruce Gradkowski" during an investigation into point shaving at Toledo? (An investigation that turned out to be uncomfortably accurate, by the way.) Former Rocket Gradkowski was under the care of Jon Gruden in Tampa Bay by then, and here's what the coach had to say about that:

"I don't watch ESPN. I don't believe half the [expletive] people on the channel, personally – no disrespect. But if Bruce Gradkowski is throwing games in Toledo, how in the hell does he lead the NCAA in passing percentages? That is a crock. You know, these reports make me sick – really. I don't believe [there is] any truth to it, and I'll go to my grave believing that. I hope ESPN 3 or 4 has real sources behind this story, because it has nothing to do with the kid. He's a great kid. He wants to be great. This is very uncharacteristic, in my opinion, of 'professional' journalism."

I guess Norby (!) Williamson [ESPN's programming chief, for those not in the know] was willing to let bygones be bygones since Gradkowski wasn't formally accused of anything—even if his teammates were clearly up to something. (No disrespect.) Of course, this also opens up the possibility that Gruden has never actually seen "Monday Night Football" and believes it to be some sort of cooking show. That should be a fun first day.

Buccaneers Win Tussle With Texans, 31-24 [Pewter Report; 2007]
See also:
ESPN4? That Was Supposed to Be A Secret!
Jon Gruden Joins "Monday Night Football" Crew. Seriously.
Toledo Athletes Accused Of Point Shaving

UPDATE: ESPN's official response: "Ultimately that candid commentary actually provides the foundation for successful TV commentary. We might not always agree when a newsmaker takes a shot, it's about serving the fans and candid insight is important."

Gruden, who lost his defensive coordinator to Baby Boy Lane, then lost his job running the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has found a new career—listening to Ron Jaworski explain the mechanics of three-step drops. It shouldn't take longer than three or four weeks of lousy MNF blowouts before Gruden will probably do something scumbaggy and Mike Tirico will stare wistfully off into the distance as he imagines what life would have been like if he'd stayed with the circus like his parents wanted. Carnies never judge.

Of course, we all know that Gruden is just biding his time until next summer when it's finally revealed which NFL team has drafted the toughest quarterback who ever lived. Jon will then arrange for the "extradition" of that team's head coach, taking his place as mentor and idolater of The Tebow. Then he'll be replaced in the booth by Cody Gifford and the circle will be complete.

Jon Gruden to replace Tony Kornheiser on 'Monday Night Football' [USA Today]

One good thing about tonight's match-up for the MNF crew is the easy transition they'll have into the whole "booing Santa" story that inevitably comes up anytime a Philly team plays in front of a national audience. Tonight is actually the 40th anniversary of the incident which has been generously used as "Exhibit A" in Philadelphia's longstanding reputation for deplorable fan behavior. Stu has apparently started early:

"SportsCenter’s coverage of Monday Night Football from the city of Brotherly Love, unless Santa Claus is your brother," said ESPN's Stu Scott. "You know, Eagles fans once famously booed Old St. Nick."

Keep that up, Stu, and you'll get a cup full of bum piss thrown at you during the post-game report. Just saying.

*******

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. /Eagles chant.

"I'm being serious. I'm a real person and that bull—-- Emmitt said on the TV about 'get my life right,' Trent Dilfer mentioned something about getting my life right outside of football. Last time I checked, man, don't be a hypocrite, man. This is me. A lot of y'all can't really walk on the same side of the street I can walk on and still go put on a suit. I can put on a suit just like you and get on TV and talk just like you. But I can still go home and still be me. So remember that, before you disrespect me like that on TV. I never said nothing bad about anybody out here, man, but just don't disrespect me like that. That's real. I'm out here, I'm a hard worker. I've always been a hard worker. So don't take that away from me, man, and just let me play football. If you've got something to say to me, say it...that's to Emmitt and Trent Dilfer. I really man that. That bothers me, man.'

You're a changed man, Antonio. Go put your suit on.

Bryant: ESPN, Dilfer, Smith "Disrespected me" [Bucs Beat]
Video here [PewterReport]

I'm not 100% positive, but it sounds like Mike Tirico might have jizzed in his pants after this.

Video courtesy of Fandome.

It's not like this Peanuts special, first shown in 1965, isn't widely available on DVD, or again later this month on television. But this is the first airing of it this holiday season, which is a cherished tradition for a lot of people. Curling up with your family in front of a roaring log fire to watch Josh Bidwell punt out of his own end zone just isn't the same.

Actually we know what happens in the Peanuts special: Round-headed boy picks out spindly tree, ineptly directs Christmas play, is mocked by own dog; not unlike the way things were run with the Lions under Millen. The outcome of Monday night's game is less certain, as the two 9-3 teams battle for sole possession of first place in the NFC South (be sure to look for Julius Pepper's heartwarming reading of the Gospel of Luke, verses 8 through 14).

Fun fact: A Charlie Brown Christmas aired annually on CBS from 1965 through 2000; more consecutive showings than any special or movie in TV history. In 2001 the rights were acquired by ABC, where it has been since, showing twice a year.

Graphic: Associated Press

Ch. 28 Picks Up Buccaneers Game Monday, Pre-Empting Charlie Brown Christmas And Boston Legal Finale [Tampa Bay Online]

Strip clubs are not about decadence, or fantasy, or even commerce. They are, at their core, about interaction. The dance is not delicate, or disguised. This is not a place where someone can be left alone. You might say that is the point. I might say that I’m trying to watch the game here, and if I desire a word with you, trust me, I will beckon.

Life is full of senseless, empty conversations. We all go through them every day, inventing vague generalities uttered only to end this conversation as soon as possible. Even if you are someone that I like, transferring interaction from Meet to Converse to Mutual Understanding requires an effort that neither of us are willing to put forth. Nothing personal. There’s just so much to do. I’ve got a lot on my mind. So do you. Perhaps there will be a time, friend, when you and I break bread and meld minds. For now, however, I am predisposed. Forgive me.

A strip club, even one as welcoming, clean and hospitable as Rick’s Cabaret, is a minefield of these senseless, empty conversations. At least in the real world, people have the good horsesense to resist sitting right down at the table, unsolicited, and launching into banalities. I know that I am here, and that my presence implies an invitation. I wish it did not, and that I could convey it somehow. Perhaps a sign would help. It is a very important game.

It does not matter that you are naked. All told, your nakedness is just making this worse. Your dances are like grotesque Busby Berkeley numbers, punctuating the natural state of void. Your nakedness is tipping the scales of this game in a way I don’t appreciate. Sure. You are attractive. It’s a job requirement. I get it. I congratulate you. But really, that’s all we have to talk about. And that’s not gonna take us very far.

Also, I feel, when I’m in these situations, compelled to try to entertain you. I am not sure why. I am simply wired this way. Worse, I feel compelled to continue to try to entertain you even when it is obvious that you are not entertained and weren’t desiring entertainment in the first place. This makes you think I am weird. You’re right, of course. You may feel free to leave. It’s the fourth quarter, and we really need to win this game. You tell me, “you seem more interested in the game than the girls.” I think this is meant as a dig. I don’t take it as one.

I am sorry that I am here. I am sorry that what usually works is not working. This is my fault. I really should be wearing a sign. An Arizona Cardinals hat probably would have sufficed. You see, the problem is that I’m not acting any differently in here than I do in the real world. I know that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I know that acting differently is the whole point. I’m just not very good at it. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll have more luck at another table. I’m sure athletes know how to do this the right way. I just don’t. There are worse crimes, I hope.

Finally, you get the hint, and you look at me as if to say, you could have said something 20 minutes ago and saved us both a lot of trouble. You’re right. You tend to be. The game has ended. Can I go now? Is this over?

———————————————

That is all to say: I am not much of a strip club guy. Daulerio seemed to have fun, though. And the shrimp was fantastic.

Football night in D.C. on election eve courtesy of D.C. Sports Bog:

"And the night remained somewhat political as the game approached, with all manner of political signs. Heather Knighton's advised fans to Vote Jim Zorn 4 President, "because he's hot," she explained. "I mean, if Obama can run, anybody can run, right?""

After the jump, Tony Kornheiser, Ron Jesse Raphael, and Mike Tirico discuss politics before football....

Edwards channeled the JoePa mojo to catch five passes for 154 yards and a touchdown to lead the Browns 35-14 over the Giants. Eli Manning threw three interceptions, giving him plenty to review on his new video system down at the Jersey condo. More importantly, Derek Anderson threw for 310 yards and two touchdowns, pushing Brady Quinn back to second place on the depth chart perhaps for good and giving John McCain serious cause for reflection.

About the game: Did not like, Eric Wright's Deion Sanders impression during his 94-yard interception return for a touchdown. I still prefer this Eric Wright, since he owns four Super Bowl rings. Did like: The fact that the Browns did it without Kellen Winslow. Also, their throwback helmets.

So another pretty amazing upset this week, and the Browns' first Monday night win since 1993. I can't help but feel that this is all a setup for an elaborate letdown later on, but hey, the Bone Lady is partying tonight.

A Night To Remember: Explosive Browns Overwhelm Super Bowl Champ Giants, 35-14 [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

[D]ebra has realized that she is simply following her soul's path and only by doing that will she be truly happy. She is certain that so many of the positive things that have happened to her are because of this character she has created and her decision to follow her dream. She was honored in the Visa Hall of Fans at the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio as the 2001 Fan of The Year for the Cleveland Browns. She has had opportunities to work with many charities and also promote sportsmanship with other ultimate fans while inspiring people to "be who they are." "Debra Darnall has been the life of the party ever since the Browns returned."

Okay! Cleveland is getting up to 9 points at home through numerous handicappers, which given the, ahem, struggles some other NFC East teams have had this weekend with presumably lesser opponents, it could be worth siding with the Bone Lady's allegiances for this week. Stay right here to talk about all things football. Move upstairs to watch Deadspin live blog the Phillies/Dodgers. Also a number that bettors should be interested in — the Phillies are 4-0 when Sussman live blogs them this season.

Enjoy the games tonight....

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and other internet destinations where the SKEETS have no name.

Cleveland Browns' BoneLady [The Zone Blitz]
About Me [Bonelady.com]

Kornheiser is in the bottom row to the left with the goofy hat and clutching the trophy like man who would only release it if you pried it from his cold, dead hands. He looks like any guy robbing a liquor story in a "Dirty Harry" movie. If only he would remove his hat, so we could see if the comb-over was in its early stages of development or still a few years away from being born.

*******

Now, let's watch Matt Sussman do that funny thing with his fingers and live blog us through the night.

Thanks. See you tomorrow. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and...The Fightins.

Go Phils.

Following a replay of the Felix Jones kickoff return for a touchdown with audio from the Spanish-language call of the game, Kornheiser said, “I took high-school Spanish, and that either means ‘nobody is going to touch him’ or ‘could you pick up my dry cleaning in the morning.’”

ESPN's official statement about it is, "After the comment was made our production team, including tony, discussed it. they agreed that making the apology was the right thing to do."

Okay. Is there some stereotype about Spanish people Latinos and dry cleaning that I don't know about? Kornheiser's subsequent apology seemed stilted and that he was completely annoyed to do it. It probably was a little overly cautious, but then again since it is Hispanic Heritage Month, you'd hate to anger the Spanish dry cleaning business owners out there with your pithy one-liners. I actually found Kornheiser's joke less offensive than listening to Mike Tirico over-enunciate Vaqueros.

Kornheiser Makes On-Air Apology [PFT]

Photo courtesy of Midwesterner's Guide To NYC

Obviously, Jackson can't be chucking the ball away a yard and a half before he actually makes it into the end zone. The one knock on the guy throughout training camp was that he was brimming with overconfidence and his tendency for showboating. I think we can all agree with that assessment. And as was pointed out multiple times, this wasn't the first time Jackson's premature celebrating cost him a touchdown:

Jackson had broken free for an apparent 53-yard touchdown reception in the 2005 Army All-American Bowl at the Alamodome when he spread his arms in a swan dive and dove toward the end zone. He landed at the 1-yard line. Fortunately for him, Jackson caught seven passes for 141 yards and threw a 45-yard touchdown pass to earn MVP honors as his West team won 35-3. "I redeemed myself with a great game," the Long Beach, Calif., athlete said. "It was a little embarrassing, but I did it, so I just had to move on."

And he'll move on again. We all will. It'll take a little more than an aborted touchdown to make Philadelphia love him any less. Well, me at least.

*****

Some notes from last night: Unfortunately, I couldn't come up with a decent bar to watch the game with my Eagles' brethren but the next time this opportunity arises I will plan better. Thanks to those who text-messaged suggestions and to those who just text-messaged for the sake of text-messaging. A very special thanks to all of those non-Eagles fans who took the time out of their busy schedules to shit talk. Some of my favorites:

• "Your eagles suck. Don't show your faces in this division again this year. A Giants fan."

• "Eagles fucking suck. I hope this game is a 0-0 tie."

And my favorite one, from an ESPN personality who happens to be a rabid Dallas Cowboys fan:

• "Eat paste you dick loving eagle douchebag. DeSean Jackson makes Vince Young look like a Mensa member."

Best. Celebration. Ever [Mr. Irrelevant]