"Quite literally cinematic!" - Bob Costas

I'm Tom, your guest editor for the day. Sometimes I write about sports for Slate and other publications, some of which still haven't gone out of business. I used to write a sports column for City Paper in Baltimore. One time I got a piece in the Best American Sports Writing. Another time I got invited in by the late Syd Thrift for a stern talking-to his office in the Oriole Park warehouse. (You know that voice-and-motion-capture stuff they do to turn human actors into animated characters nowadays? Do that to a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon in reverse, and you'll get the irate Syd Thrift.)

My sports loyalties, which deform everything I write, are as follows: I root for the Baltimore Orioles, first and foremost and for my entire conscious life. My first home was a short walk from Memorial Stadium, and I was cheering for Mark Belanger and Lee May by the age of three. I remember Reggie Jackson showing up as the new guy when I was four and leaving when I was five. Bastard.

I also root for the University of Maryland men's basketball team, an ever-shifting collection of NBA teams that depends on where particular players are, the Philadelphia Eagles, and the Baltimore Colts.

(What? They where? Look, everyone handles childhood abandonment differently. I turn on my TV, I see a team with blue horseshoes on white helmets. The [inaudible] Colts! Fight on, you Colts!)

I despise the New York Yankees.

I also root against Duke men's basketball, Notre Dame football, the Washington [ethnic slur redacted], the Baltimore Ravens, Phil Jackson, the Dallas Cowboys, Rick Pitino, John Calipari, Bob Huggins, Tony La Russa, and Bob Knight. Now that I put it all down like that, maybe I should simplify things and say I root against anyone who has ever coached or managed a team. Except Earl Weaver and Buddy Ryan.

Last time I appeared here, I believe I was 1. ripping the Orioles for trading Erik Bedard for a raft of players including the unproven Adam Jones, 2. disparaging the Tampa Bay Rays, and 3. implying that the Orioles would continue their decade-plus string of failure, particularly their habit of quitting in the second half.

Well. Tampa has won a pennant and is admired throughout baseball for its talent. Erik Bedard has been a fixture of Seattle's disabled list. Adam Jones looks like he will be a superstar in center field and a heart-of-the-lineup slugger for years to come.

And the Orioles—with Jones and Nick Markakis anchoring an all-around delightful outfield, with a collection of thrilling young pitchers beginning to break into the majors, with the most highly regarded prospect in baseball behind the plate—are deep in last place, on an 11-22 second-half death spiral. Told you so.

• Domo arigato Hiroki Kuroda: Almost perfect. But, alas, the Dodgers' rookie pitcher gave up one hit, 0 BBs, on the way to a 3-0 victory over the Atlanta Braves last night. Says a starstruck Joe Torre: "That was about as machine and robotic as you've ever seen a pitcher throw one strike after another." [Blue Notes]

•Mike And The Mad Dog Get Their Bodies Analyzed: There's still no official word on the fate of the "The Mike And The Mad Dog" radio show, although recent reports suggest the two are close to ending their relationship. Mike And The Mad Blog can't wait that long. They want answers now. So to figure out the fate of their loudmouthed heroes, they called in "The Babe Ruth Of Body Language Experts", Patti Wood, to analyze their on-air interaction for some clues. Her conclusion?" I think Mike is over it (the show). His ego is too big. And Russo is just clueless to how much it affects Mike." [Mike And The Mad Blog]

•An ode to Ricky Nolasco: The Florida Marlins are still hanging around the National League East and a big part of their success has been starting pitcher Ricky Nolasco. Icy Hot Sensations breaks down his success in a most amusing fashion: "Then, after spending about 20 minutes at the party where I knew few people, observing multiple partygoers stepping into the bathroom for 30 seconds and coming out noticeably excited, being thoroughly sketched out with half the party being early 20’s people and the other half being people in their 40’s-50’s accompanied by ladies 20 years younger, I decided to ask what was the fucking deal. My friend informed me that it was her friend’s father’s house, that he was kinda into drugs, and that all the older guys were his dealers and their girlfriends. They started shooting fireworks at each other and the cars driving down the street..." What? Yeah. It's a long intro. [Icy Hot Sensations]

• Floyd Mayweather has an active dislike for Oscar de la Hoya: Floyd Mayweather is not a fan of Oscar de la Hoya. (Maybe Oscar sprayed him with champagne?) And to prove just how much Floyd dislikes him, he offered this message to the Golden Boy in an upcoming boxing documentary: "Oscar De La Hoya, (expletive) you and (expletive) everything you stand for. I don’t like you, you don’t like me." [Larry Brown Sports]