No.1 Detroit Red Wings (54-21-7, 115 Points; Blew Game 5 and lost the conference finals to Anaheim) vs. No. 8 Nashville Predators (41-32-9, 91 Points; Shown the door by San Jose for the second-straight season)

The Red Wings are a bunch of softies? Look, don't make them participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way they do it. You make them get out of bed, you make them come over here. You make them make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney. The man could squash their nuts into oblivion! And then ... and then ... and then you deliberately hurt their feelings.

The last person I'd expect to accuse the Detroit Red Wings of being a collection of Euro wussies — the kind whose photos Don Cherry uses as urinal cakes — would be affable announcer Mike "Doc" Emrick, the man who made "BIG DRIVE!" as much a established attribute of the NHL on American television as miniscule viewership. And yet here's what Emrick said in a preview of the Detroit/Nashville series:

Emrick said Europeans have "smashed a lot of the stereotypes (about being soft), but it still raises its ugly head when you talk about Detroit.

"Do they have enough character? Are they going to be stamped as the Euro skill players, and can Nashville intimidate them? And that's the story for this series," Emrik (sic) said. "In the regular season (these teams), played eight games with no fights. They'll probably have a couple in the first game."

The Chief at Abel To Yzerman would love to hear who, exactly, these Euro softies on the Red Wings are. But there's a morsel of truth to Doc's cultural thesis. It's the reason Detroit sold its soul and traded for Todd Bertuzzi last season. It's the reason Darren McCarty was invited to escape mothballs and join the living again this season. And it's the reason Chris Chelios will likely be playing for the Red Wings until the end of Jeb Bush's second term. They've got great skill, but someone needs to mind the store.

There's always going to be that lingering doubt about Detroit's mettle. It's a team that's lost in the first round as a prohibitive favorite as many times as its won the Stanley Cup since 1997. Is Nashville going to join the Arturs Irbe Club of Red Wings stunners? Eh, not bloody likely.

Key Match-Up for Detroit: The Defense vs. Jason Arnott and J.P. Dumont. These guys led the Predators with 72 points apiece, and they're playoff gamers: Dumont with 20 points in his last 23 playoff games, and Arnott having won the fracking Stanley Cup with a goal in 2000. Take them out, and you've basically carved out the team's heart with a tablespoon and a rusty pair of pliers.

Key Match-Up for Nashville: Crashing the Net vs. Old Goalies. When the defense fails in front of Hasek, he's looked very human this season. Get behind those soft Euros (tm, Emrick) and make him look like a pinball in his own crease.

Worst Case Scenario for Detroit: They're not going to lose this series, so the worst case would be to lose even more players to a list of walking wounded that already includes Samuelsson and Maltby.

Worst Case Scenario for Nashville: David Legwand drives the team bus to Detroit.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Red Wings in five. Nashville's gritty enough to snag a win, but this is Detroit in a walk.

Vital YouTubeage: From his days in Dallas, a little Aaron Downey trash talking:

No. 1 Montreal Canadiens (47-25-10, 104 Points; Uninvited to the postseason pants party) vs. No. 8 Boston Bruins (41-29-12, 94 Points; Also uninvited to the postseason pants party)

Oh, joy: A matchup of the most exciting team in the entire League against a team whose only hope is to smother the fun out of it, like putting a damp pillow over a clown's face.

(As a Devils fan, I think I just had a moment of self-revelation and would like, on behalf of my colleagues, to apologize for the last 15 years.)

To call the current incarnation of this Original Six rivalry lopsided would be an insult to Tara Reid's boob job. Montreal has flat-out owned the Bruins, having won the last 11 meetings between the teams. They're better statistically across the board: In goals for, power play, penalty killing, and actually only 0.01 off the goals-against pace against a Claude Julien team that preaches defense first, second, third and fifth. Outside of the inspirational kick of seeing Patrice Bergeron make it back from concussion-ville and the potential for Tim Thomas to steal a game in goal, a Habs' loss here would be absolutely bat-shit insane.

Key Match-Up for Montreal: Shattering Spirits vs. Glimmers of Hope. Drop Game 1 to the Bruins, and this could be a dramatically different series. If you have your jackboot on the back of Boston's head, you don't let it up to breathe - you stomp the curb, son.

Key Match-Up for Boston: Shaken Confidence Vs. Carey Roy Dryden. The Canadiens have placed their faith in rookie goalie Carey Price, and play stellar team defense in front of him. Boston has to plow through that defense, crush his newbie soul and get inside his head to win this series. Or else this is all Montreal and its fans are going to see during Round One (and thanks to Eyes on the Prize for the blasphemy):

Worst Case Scenario for Montreal: They win in six rather than five or four.

Worst Case Scenario for Boston: Carey Roy Dryden is so magical, the Habs find a way to win in three.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Montreal in five. Boston should break the streak at home for a bit of a tease, but fall short. Warning: If Bergeron gives them a huge lift, if Thomas plays out of his skull and if Montreal's injuries ( like the one to Saku Koivu) prove to be too much, we might have to make a major flip-flop on this pick. And since the Bruins are from John Kerry country, I suppose that would only be apropos.

Vital YouTubeage: "We don't get a lot of French-Canadian cabbies, let alone French-Canadian goalies..."

If the Nashville Predators rally to win Puck That Hit's "Who Has the Hottest Ice Girls?" contest, that would be just fine, judging by the evidence at hand. But for the betterment of hockey in these United States, the Preds really need to the miss the Stanley Cup Playoffs this season — for two (other) very compelling reasons.

This isn't a slag on Nashville hockey. Lord knows those fans have been through enough, what with last year's talent defection and ownership follies with Jim Balsillie (Slogan: "He's the Ball-Silliest!"). The Predators even have one of the better stories in the Campbell Conference this season, as career journeyman goaltender Dan Ellis has nearly usurped anointed starter Chris Mason. They're like the Katie Couric and Deborah Norville of puck-stoppers.

A check of the standings this morning finds Nashville with 76 points, in the eighth seed. Vancouver follows with 74, but confidence in the Canucks is dropping so quickly that their coach recently suggested that "bandwagon jumping" become an Olympic sport. And then there are the two reasons why the Predators should concede their playoff slot: the Phoenix Coyotes (73 points) and the Chicago Blackhawks (72). All due respect to Nashville, but these are more compelling teams for postseason hockey and casual playoffs-only fans. Both of these teams are trying to snap four-season playoff droughts. Both have players who will be leading the next wave of NHL stars. And Phoenix has Ilya Bryzgalov, who back-stopped the 'Yotes to a 2-1 win in Dallas last night and who should scare the living shit out of Detroit in a first-round match-up.

And then there's Chicago, who has had a cache of cool this season from "Commit To the Indian" through Gary Bettman's acknowledgement that a Winter Classic at Wrigley Field would be the coolest thing to hit the friendly confines since a drunken Ozzy warbled "Take Me Out To the Ballgame." Detroit and Chicago in the first round? Yes please, especially if the 'Hawks knuckle-up like they did in last night's 3-0 win over Anaheim. If the Ducks feel like you're playing too physical (headhunting Chris Pronger is pretty much the definition of irony, isn't it?), then you're doing something right. Parros looked mighty angry:

Atlanta Is Too Greasy.The warm-ups before Carolina's 6-3 win over Atlanta were interrupted by a fire alarm caused by a grease fire in a restaurant at Philips Arena. "At first, I was like, 'This is odd warm-up music. I don't know what they're listening to,'" said Carolina's Scott Walker, who's sorta dumb, but in an endearing way. It gets weirder: In the second period, Bret Hedican dumped the puck into the Thrashers' zone, it hit referee Steve Kozari's skate and then went right into the Atlanta net. But the goal was waived off, because NHL rules state that the only time a referee can screw a team with an illegal goal is if the Sabres are playing for the Stanley Cup. Speaking of which...

That Ovechkin Fella's Pretty Dang Good. Goals Nos. 53 and 54 for Ovechkin, who was heartily booed by Buffalo fans throughout the Capitals' 3-1 win last night. Ovie's coming for you, Luc Robitaille! Remember all that bullshit about changing the playoff seeding rules because the Southeast was so pathetic? The Caps are now two points out of the eight seed. Remember all of that other bullshit about Washington not being a hockey town? Yeah, about that.

Puck Headlines

* Sean Leahy offers a glimpse at the Sidney Crosby McFarlane Toys Winter Classic Action Figure. And from the looks of things, there should be a YouTube stop-motion animation featuring Crosby dancing to "Baby Got Back" or "Da' Butt" in the very near future. [Going Five Hole

* If you've always wanted to hear a fake TV lawyer utter the words "hockey jungle-sex three-way" ... well, today's your lucky day. [[B]utterfly[S]uicide

* The KB's "Best NHL Hit of All-Time" tournament has had a longer running time than a Peter Jackson remake of "The English Patient." But we're in the semifinals now, where it's Dion Phaneuf on Denis Hamel vs. Brian Campbell on RJ Umberger. The Phaneuf'ing is only good because Hamel weighs under 200 pounds and goes flying; it's like The Undertaker choke-slamming the 1-2-3 Kid. Which is why I am again supporting the Umberger demolition. "WHHHHHOOOOWHAT A HIT BY CAMPBELL!" [Orland Kurtenblog]

* Don Cherry spent the day surrounded by hockey moms. "You guys are da best mums in da world! Just don't let yer kids grow up to be visor-wearin' Euro pussies, eh?" [CBC]

* Finally, there were some requests yesterday for more hockey violence. So here's Doug Gilmour taking out Mark Messier, Bob Probert throwing down with Tie Domi and Wayne Gretzky's head bleeding ... all courtesy of NHLPA '93. "I'm gonna make Wayne Gretzky's head bleed for SuperFan No. 99 over here..." See you next week.