Complete and utter destruction. There's no other way to describe last night's 131-92 obliteration of the Los Angeles Lakers. The Boston Celtics didn't just earn their 17th banner, they wrapped it around the Lakers' collective neck and choked them with it. The 39-point bulge set an NBA Finals record for the largest margin in a deciding game. Boston pounded L.A. on the boards (48-29), bogarted the ball at every opportunity (a Finals record 18 steals) and put up a defensive wall the likes of which none of the Lakers — including regular season MVP Kobe Bryant — had ever seen.

"They were definitely the best defense I've seen the entire playoffs. I've seen some pretty stiff ones and this was right up there with them." The entire playoffs? How about his entire career? To my knowledge, no team has ever done such a good job of containing and/or flat-out stopping the Mamba over eight games — twice during the regular season and six times during the finals — than these Celtics. And I'm not talking about the skittish rookie who was tossing up airballs against the Jazz in 1997. I'm talking about Kobe at the height of his powers during his MVP season. Tom Thibodeaux, none of us are worthy.

The Celtic roster was filled with heroes. Paul Pierce, playing on his famously (or infamously) injured knee, finished with 17 points, 10 assists and 1 Finals MVP award. Kevin Garnett, who described his performance in Game 5 as "trash" and "garbage," had 26 points, 14 rebounds, 4 assists, and three steals. Ray Allen, who almost got his eye gouged out, hit seven three-pointers and scored 26 points. Rajon Rondo, who was left for dead by everybody outside of the Boston locker room, scored 21 points (on 20 shots) to go along with 7 rebounds, 8 assists and 6 steals. James Posey was 3-for-3 from beyond the arc. And the rest of the lineup did what they had to do.

Meanwhile, the Laker roster was filled with goats. Kobe, after opening the game with 11 points on 4-for-5 shooting, missed seven shots in a row and finished with 22 points (7-for-22), 3 rebounds, 1 assist and 4 turnovers. Lamar Odom had a double-double (14 points, 10 rebounds) but shot 2-for-8 and missed five free throws. Pau Gasol (11 points, 8 boards) played small and coughed up the ball five times. Vladimir Radmanovic took some awful threes and barely finished with more points (6) than fouls (5). And...well, you get the picture.

The only downside of the amazing turnaround from 24 wins to an NBA title — at the expense of the hated Lakers no less — is the fact that Red Auerbach didn't live long enough to see it happen. But I have to assume that Red passed the Celtic matrix of leadership on to Danny Ainge, Optimus Prime-style. Because, let's face it, last summer Ainge put together a championship team faster than I can make a grilled cheese sandwich. (Damn my hook hands!)

And Paul Pierce, who (unlike some superstars) spent years and years playing (for the most part) selflessly for bad teams, has finally carved out his own spot in Celtic lore. Said the Truth: "It means so much more because these are the guys, the Havliceks, the Bill Russells, the Cousys. These guys started what's going on with those banners. They don't hang up any other banners but championship ones. And now I'm part of it."

And so is Kevin Garnett, who was bursting apart at the seams after the win, dropping to his knees and kissing the Celtic leprechaun before embracing his hero/father figure Bill Russell and saying: "I got my own! I got my own!"

Said Russell: "You sure did."

Ubuntu.s

And David Stern sighs in relief. Ever wonder why the NBA Finals — unlike any other playoff series in league History — uses a 2-3-2 format? Well, this is why. Had Game 5 been played in Boston with the Celtics holding a 3-1 lead, the series would probably be over. Instead, the Lakers' 103-98 victory ensures at least one more game, which means more primetime TV, which means more commercials sold, which means more $$ for the league ... you get the idea. But hey, who doesn't want more Lakers-Celtics, right? Uh, right? Anybody? Okay. Never mind, then.

Game 5 started out like a replay of Game 4, with L.A. taking a 17-point lead after one quarter (39-22) and Boston storming back. But like any not-quite-as-good sequel, there were some minor changes to the script. This time, for added viewing pleasure, Kobe Bryant went off for 15 first-quarter points on the strength of four three-pointers. And instead of waiting until the third quarter to mount their comeback, the Celtics outscored the Lakers 30-16 in the second — thanks to a point explosion by Paul Pierce — to cut the L.A. lead to three.

Pierce shredded the Laker "defense" all night, finishing with 38 points, 6 rebounds, 8 assists and 19 [!!] free throw attempts. But he also had a team-high 5 turnovers, the last of which was poked away by Kobe (25 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists, 5 steals, 6 turnovers) and converted into a game-breaking dunk with 37.4 seconds left.

Said Mamba: "I was just kind of reading the play and I was able to get my hands on the ball and get out and get a dunk." If by "read" he meant "totally gambled" and by "the ball" he meant "Pierce's arm and chest," he's exactly right.

Lamar Odom lived up to his Robin role by contributing 20 points, 11 rebounds, 4 blocked shots, and several slightly maniacal grins. The Spanish Marshmallow Pau Gasol, in addition to screaming in faux agony every time he took a shot inside, scored 19, grabbed 13 and dished 6. Derek Fisher added 15 points, Jordan Farmar scored 11 off the bench, and Sasha Douchachick improved on his 1-for-9 performance in Game 4 by shooting 2-for-10.

On the flipside, Pierce didn't get a lot of help from the rest of Boston's ménage à trois. Ray Allen scored 16 points on 4-for-13 shooting before fouling out. Meanwhile, Kevin Garnett finished with a double-double (13 points, 14 rebounds), but he had 4 turnovers (to zero assists), was limited to only 33 minutes because of foul trouble, and missed a kinda-sorta easy put back with 26 seconds left that would have cut the L.A. lead to two.

If one of those guys had played just a teensy bit better, there might have been some champagne popping in the Celtics locker room last night. As it is, the Lakers now have a sliver of hope. And Phil Jackson thinks it might be enough: "A lot of things can happen. We're young enough and dumb enough to be able to do this."

I guess we'll find out just how dumb they are on Tuesday night in Boston.

That'll teach me to go to the bathroom. So it's the third quarter, and the Celtics are down by a jillion. Lamar Odom is smiling like a baby with bad gas and Pau Gasol is doing his crazy mountain man thing. I was annoyed. Disgusted even. Shrugging my shoulders, I grabbed a magazine and decided to go free the chocolate hostages. What was the point of watching, right? The Lakers were dismantling the Green Machine and Kobe, at the time, had like one field goal. I honest-to-goodness figured it was over.

Good call, huh?

I returned from a thoroughly unsatisfying dump — yeah, I know, probably TMI — to find Boston trailing by only two points. I seriously would not have been any more surprised if Santa Claus and Bigfoot had been in my living room watching the game. L.A. was leading by 24 points in the first quarter, which I believe was the largest first-quarter lead in NBA Finals history. The Lakers were still up by 18 at halftime, thanks to a crazy, running three-pointer by Jordan Farmar that banked in at the buzzer. And Kobe Bryant was a complete non-factor during all of this. I mean, there couldn't have been a bigger sign that the Celtics were toast.

Nobody told them that, though. Boston outscored L.A. 31-15 in the third, thanks in part to a 10-1 run to end the quarter. The Celtics then used a 21-3 run in the final five minutes to finish off what may be the greatest Finals comeback ever. How in the world?! How'd Phil Jackson — Mr. Lord of the Rings, Hall of Fame Coach himself — get out-thunk by Doc "Everybody thought I was a retard last year" Rivers? Maybe it was genius, or maybe his hand was forced by injuries (to Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins), but Doc went to a small lineup full of bombers — KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, James Posey and Eddie House — and it worked. Big time. And Jackson had no answer for it.

Paul Pierce had 20 points, 7 assists, and did a better-than-you-woulda-believed job of guarding Kobe in the second half. Ray Allen played every single second of the game and finished with 19 points and 9 rebounds, plus he walked calmly around Sasha Vujacic's slap-happy defense and hit a game-clenching reverse layup. Kevin Garnett added 16 and 11, and (as promised) he made a concerted effort to take the ball inside instead of bailing out and shooting jumpers.

But damn, the real heroes of the game were James Posey (18 points, 4-for-8 from distance) and Eddie House (11 points, two huge fourth-quarter threes). They brought energy off the bench and the spread the Laker defense so thin that Stephen Hawking could have wheelchaired in for a layup. Assuming he hasn't already transferred his amazing brain into an unstoppable robot body.

Kobe Bryant finished with 17 points on 19 shots after not scoring a point in the first half. He is the MVP and — as Mike Breen bleated out about 20 times last night — the best closer in the game. But he couldn't close last night. Said Mamba: "They were determined not to let me beat them tonight. I saw three, four bodies every time I touched the ball." Which is pretty standard defense against a superstar, right? Look as great as Kobe is — and he is great — can we all just go ahead and agree that he's not Michael Jordan?

Anyway, Lamar Odom led the Lakers with 19 points (15 of which came in the first half) and 10 rebounds. Pau Gasol also had a double-double with 17 points and 10 boards. Derek Fisher scored 13 points. And Sasha Vujacic shot 1-for-9 and had himself a little temper tantrum on the bench...

Phil Jackson isn't worried. Or claims not to be. Said the Zen Master: "Some turnaround in that game. The air went out of the building. Well, it's not over. This is not over. The series it not over." If you say so. Game 5 is on Sunday in L.A.

Well, that wasn't pretty. Quick, somebody call Habitat for Humanity. Game 3 of the NBA Finals generated enough bricks to build a house for every homeless person on this planet ... and any other. (Sorry. Couldn't help it after all the times the camera panned to Bill Walton last night.) As Phil Jackson put it, "It was not a beautiful ballgame." L.A. shot a chilling 43 percent from the field, which actually seemed positively blistering compared to Boston's 35 percent rate of "accuracy." But the Lakers had two things that the Celtics did not: Kobe Bryant and Sasha Vujacic. (Okay, three things if you count the incredibly lame halftime show.)

Mamba scored 36 and grabbed 7 rebounds, and the Machine fabricated 20 points on 7-for-10 shooting, which included a trio of three-pointers that couldn't have been any bigger if you duct-taped Gheorghe Muresan to them. Now, you'd think that Boston's Ménage à Trois could have overcome L.A.'s Titanic Twosome — or should I say Wonderful One-and-a-half? — but that would have required all three of those guys to actually show up. Ray Allen scored 25 (8-for-13, 5-for-7 from distance), but Kevin Garnett spent most of the game jackin' it up from a little too far outside (hence the 6-for-21 shooting) and Paul Pierce was...well, let's just hope his knee was really hurting him. At least that would explain the 6 points on 2-for-14 from the field.

Still, despite all that — and despite the fact that Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle and had to limp back to the locker room for a while — the Celtics kept it close and actually had a five-point lead in the fourth quarter. But anybody who didn't think the Lakers would come storming back probably doesn't think Sylvester Stallone's face has been pumped full of Botox, either. L.A. had cut the lead to two when Boston somehow inexplicably left Kobe alone at the top of the arc long enough for him to measure a three, mentally go over the grocery list, and solve the Riddle of the Sphinx before ripping a three-pointer that gave the Lakers the lead back. And that was the gamebreaker. Seriously, I think the Celtics lost four points after Kobe hit that shot. It sure felt like it, anyway.

But despite Kobe's 36 points, the huge three, and his 18 free throw attempts, Doc Rivers knew what really beat his team. "Kobe was fantastic but I thought Sasha Vujacic was the key to the game. I said before we are going to have to win a game when Kobe Bryant plays well. We know that. But when that happens, we have to shut off the other avenues."

That didn't happen in Game 3. We'll see if it happens in Game 4. Which is Thursday in Los Angeles, by the way.

Well, that was bleeping ridiculous. With 7:55 left to go in Game 2, the Celtics were up 95-71. And they obviously figured — as did most people watching the game, I'm guessing — that a 24-point fourth-quarter lead was pretty safe. The Boston bench was all grins and giggles. Paul Pierce broke out in a huge smile after getting called for traveling. It was good times, good times ... for everybody except the Lakers. So, naturally, the Mamba slithered into the team huddle and bared his fangs.

After the game, this is how Kobe described the Matt Foley-esque motivational speech he gave his teammates. "Get our bleep in gear. Play bleep harder, a bunch of other bleeps. It's beep, beep, beep, beep. 'Eddie Murphy Raw' times 10."

And the Lakers bleeping responded. From that point on, L.A. went on a 31-9 run — thanks to an NBA finals record-tying seven three-pointers — to make it 104-102 with 38.4 ticks left on the clock. And the Celtics must have been been ready to bleeping pee themselves. But Paul Pierce drew a foul, connected on two free throws, and smacked Sasha Vujacic's hand blocked Sasha Vujacic's three-point attempt to put a bleeping stop to L.A.'s near-miracle comeback. James Posey then sealed the deal by hitting a pair of foul shots with 12.6 seconds left.

Said Boston coach Doc Rivers: "We've got to play for 48 minutes, and I didn't think we did that. I thought we got cute when we got the lead." Well, no bleeping bleep, Doc. Thanks for that expert analysis. Hey, I've got a question: Who's job is it to keep the Celtics from getting all cutesy-pie when they're up by a jillion? Oh. Right. It's yours. I sort of forgot. And so did you, apparently.

Pierce, gimpy knee and all, powered the Celtics with 28 points (9-for-16), 4 rebounds and 8 assists. Kevin Garnett had 17 points and 14 rebounds. Ray Allen added 17 points. Rajon Rondo had a personal playoff-best 16 assists. Leon Ka-Powe surprised the Lakers and the world by going off for 21 points in only 15 minutes. Boston shot a blistering 53 percent and had 31 assists on 36 baskets. Oh, and they had a wee little advantage at the line. Like, a 38-10 advantage.

To put that into perspective, Powe out-free throwed the Lakers by himself (13-10). And that fact wasn't lost on Phil Jackson, who was bleeping pissed about it. "I've never seen a game like that in all these years I've coached in the finals. Unbelievable." (Note: It may not have happened in the finals, but he's seen a game like this. Oh yes, he most certainly has...)

Kobe led the Lakers in points (30), shots (23), misses (12), assists (8) and bleeps (47). L.A. also got double-doubles out of Pau Gasol (17 points, 10 rebounds) and Vladimir Radmanovic (13 points, 10 rebounds). Lamar Odom chipped in with 10 points and 8 boards. And Vujacic and Jordan Farmar came off the bench to hit 5-for-7 from three-point range.

And how to the Celtics feel about building a 2-0 series lead despite almost choking away a 24-point lead? Said Pierce: "We're happy because we won, but we definitely learned a lesson." I bleeping hope so.

Game 3 is Tuesday night in L.A.

Sorry, Mr. former Vice President. With all due respect to Al Gore and his Antarctic ice core samples, I think Game 1 of this year's NBA Finals disproved his theory about the dangers of greenhouse gases and their effect on the world's climate. The real source of the global warming menace? Paul Pierce. That is the motherfucking Truth. And that Truth got shoved down the Lakers' throats last night — despite a few freaky-scary moments in the third quarter — and the Celtics took a 1-0 series lead thanks to a very Truthful 98-88 win.

Pierce scored 22 points on 7-for-10 shooting, but his biggest contribution to the Boston cause was his Willis Reed-like return from a sprained knee in the third quarter. The injury took place with 6:49 left in the period when teammate Kendrick Perkins bumped into him from behind. Pierce dropped like he'd just been hit by a photon torpedo or something, and he spent several minutes writhing in agony on the Garden floor.

Said Pierce: "I thought I tore something; that's the way I felt at the time. Usually when I go down, I'm getting right back up, but it was an instance where I turned my knee and it popped, and I was just in pain where I couldn't move."

Let me tell you, watching Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen literally carry Pierce off the court made me think three things: First, "Oh my God, this series is over." Second, "That's really the best way to take an injured player back to the locker room? Seriously?!" And third, "That may be the only time we get to see Brian Scalabrine during the Finals."

But hey, it turned out the Celtics and their fans didn't have anything to worry about. Pierce came bobbing and weaving out of the locker room just a few minutes later, and it was without question the most chilling moment in the Garden since Larry Bird came back from smashing his face on the parquet floor back in 1991. The crowd surged to its feet, Kevin Garnett clenched his fist and let out a "Yes!" and Pierce — who officially checked back in at the 5:04 mark — immediately hit two three-pointers from the exact same spot to give the Celtics a 75-71 lead.

The stuff of legends, right? Or maybe it was the work of the divine. That's sort of what Pierce thought. "I think God send an angel down and said, 'Hey you're going to be all right. You need to get back out there.'" Huh. Maybe our Lord had money on the game or something.

But believe it or not, it wasn't all Paul Pierce. KG scored 24 points (despite going 3-for-13 in the second half) to go along with 13 rebounds, Ray Allen had 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 5 assists, and Rajon Rondo added 15 points and 7 dimes. Moreover, the Celtics controlled the boards (46-33) and held the Lakers to 41 percent shooting (33-for-77).

It sure helped that Kobe played very, uh, non-MVP-like. He scored 24 points and dished out 6 assists, but he also committed 4 turnovers and shot an Iverson-esque 9-for-26 (although Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy freaked the hell out about every single one of those nine makes). Pau Gasol (15 points, 8 rebounds, 4 assists), Derek Fisher (15 points, 6 assists) and Lamar Odom (14 points, 6 rebounds) helped keep the Lakers close, but L.A. still lives and dies by what the Mamba does or doesn't do.

Make no mistake, though: Kobe's poor Game 1 performance will only serve to motivate him. "I had some good looks, they just didn't go down for me. I just missed some bunnies. I'll be thinking about those a little bit."

Mull it over, Mamba. You have until Sunday.

Here we go again. Bill Russell. Elgin Baylor. Bob Cousy. Jerry West. John Havlicek. Wilt Chamberlain. Sam Jones. Gail Goodrich. Larry Bird. Magic Johnson. Kevin McHale. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Robert Parish. James Worthy. Dennis Johnson. Greg Kite. Swen Nater. Not a bad list of names, eh? (Okay. Maybe the last two.) Well, now you can add Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Paul Pierce, Pau Gasol, Ray Allen and Lamar Odom to that list. Because in case you haven't heard, it's going to be the Los Angles Lakers versus the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals. [Cue melodramatic music...NOW!]

And let's be totally honest: Who would've thunk it? The Celtics won 24 games last season and Mamba said he wanted to play on Pluto last May. And even as recently as the final quarter of last night's game, this outcome looked dubious. I mean, the Pistons had a 70-60 lead early in the fourth. They were playing at home against a team that's been gak-a-riffic on the road in the postseason. And they were 5-0 in bounce-back games in these playoffs. Boston avoiding a Game 7 looked about as likely as a sequel to Daredevil (i.e., the movie where somebody thought it would be a good idea to dress Ben Affleck up in skin-tight red leather and have him use his superior acting skills to portray a blind dude with super powers).

But the Celtics responded with a 19-4 run and the Pistons were suddenly flat broke. Even a cluster of missed free throws by Garnett and Pierce didn't matter, because David Stern's Amazing Magneto Ray (TM) was knocking Detroit's three-point attempts way off course...and that was that. Celtics 89, Pistons 81.

And in case you were wondering, the answer is yes: Stern and Danny Ainge had a simultaneous orgasm. But the Big Ticket? He's trying to be all cool about it. "It's kind of surreal. Probably hasn't even hit me yet because we haven't slept in about four days, going on five days now. Going to the Finals, I'm just hoping to get some sleep. We're emotionally drained." Not Truth, though. That dude just about had a freaking heart attack.

Speaking of Pierce, he led the Celtics with 27 points (on 8-for-12 shooting) and 8 rebounds. Allen got hot early and finished with 17 points and 6 rebounds. KG added 16, 6 and 4. And let's not forget the Celtics roleplayers, who may not have had gaudy stats but nonetheless made huge contributions. Sam Cassell was only 1-for-5, but that 1 was big. Kendrick Perkins had a huge block late. And James Posey made the defensive play of the night, stealing the ball from an unsuspecting Tayshaun Prince with just over two minutes left and Boston clinging to a four-point lead.

Chauncey Billups scored a playoff-high 29 points for the Pistons, and Rip Hamilton shook off his fake elbow injury to score 21, but those dudes were on their own offensively. Prince (10 points, 3-for-12), Rasheed Wallace (4 points, 2-for-12) and the bench (11 points, 4-for-10) didn't have their back. And now this team's run — which has included six Eastern Conference Finals appearances, two berths in the NBA Finals, and one championship — might be over. Flip Saunders? He might not be back. 'Sheed? He could be gone. Antonio McDyess? He might be bronzed and put on display at the Smithsonian. Times they are a changin'...

But the more things change, the more they stay the same. The same as they were in the 60s and 80s. It's Boston and L.A. for all the marbles. The NBA Finals start on Thursday night in Beantown.

"Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!!" It's hard to believe that we're less than a year removed from Kobe Bryant embarrassing himself and his teammates on some random dude's video phone, calling the Lakers' front office "a mess" in a semi-staged radio interview, flip-flopping on trade demands, and then stating flatly - regarding a potential trade destination - that "At this point I'll go play on Pluto." Now he's the league MVP and his team is heading to the NBA Finals. Will this become the new model for team success? Should Tracy McGrady blast Yao Ming for always getting injured and let Houston GM Daryl Morey have it for not surrounding him with better players? Should Amare Stoudemire tell Steve Kerr he'd rather go play on Cybertron than watch Shaq shamble up and down the court in Phoenix? I don't know. But it's a whole new world out there, and after last night's series-clinching victory over the defending champion Spurs, it's starting to feel like that world belongs to Kobe and the Lakers.

Mamba scored 39 points and almost doubled his free throw output for the series (5-for-5) in L.A.'s 100-92 win, slowly and methodically tearing Bruce Bowen's heart out like a Thuggee cultist. But while it may have seemed like a one-man show at certain points, Kobe simply had more help and more young, healthy, athletic bodies than Tim Duncan. Pau Gasol finished with 12 points, 19 rebounds, 5 assists and 4 blocked shots, and he helped harrass and frustrate Duncan into another off shooting night (7-for-19). Lamar Odom (13 points, 5-for-10, 8 rebounds) did a little of this and a little of that. Vladimir Radmanovic, Sasha Vujacic and Luke Walton all overcame their personal hair tragedies to hit some big threes. And Ronny Turiaf was just really freaking happy to be there. My point? The Lakers were superior. And Gregg Popovich knows it.

Said Pops: "(The Spurs) just played a team that was better. That's why the Lakers won. The better team won. You get a seven-game series, you win four games, you're the best team."

TD led San Antonio with a T-D of 19 points, 15 rebounds and 10 assists, but he became increasingly frustrated by his inability to get it going on offense. That frustration culminated late in the game when he tried — and failed — to use a little elbow magic on Gasol's face to get to the hoop. Tony Parker added 23 points (11-for-22), and the Spurs also got contributions from Michael Finley (13 points, 2-for-3 from downtown), Brent Barry (11 points, 3-for-5 from distance) and Kurt Thomas (11 points, 7 rebounds).

But they didn't get what they needed the most: A big game from Manu Ginobili. Manu scored only 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting, committed 3 turnovers, and missed a wide-open three-pointer that would have given San Antonio a one-point lead in the final minutes. Ginobili's transformation into Jim Paxson circa 1989 is as much a reason as any that the Spurs' bid to repeat met with a grisly demise.

And now the Lakers get to rest and relax while they wait to see which 80s flashback they're going to get in the Finals. To be continued...

It's just like a Whitney Houston song. Only cool. Ray Allen has had a hard few weeks since his jump shot left him for Jason Kapono. There have been tears. There have been regrets. One night, Ray-Ray was so upset he brushed and flossed his teeth only seven times before going to bed, and his early morning finger-tapping sequence — all five, then the middle three, then finally his middle finger — was all out of whack. But now that his jump shot has returned from its little tryst, Ray's Obsessive-compulsive Disorder is back on track...and so is his game. And that sound you just heard was a collective "Hallelujah!" from his coaches and teammates.

Allen scored a playoff-high 29 points on 9-for-15 shooting — including 5-for-6 from over the rainbow — and he hit a Charles-Barkley's-ass-sized shot with a minute to go to fend of a furious Piston rally that had cut a huge Celtic lead to one. And thanks to this blissful reunion, Boston won 106-102 and is now a single game from returning to the NBA Finals for the first time since those halcyon days when shorts were so short that an overly enthusiastic dunk might expose a random testicle. Wow. Didn't know I was going there...

Kevin Garnett had 33 points (his playoff-best for this year) and Kendrick "The Beast" Perkins played like it, going off for career playoff-highs in points (18) and rebounds (16) ... which Detroit coach Flip Saunders to say: "Perkins is eating us up." (Should we change his nickname to "Pacman"? Or is that taken?)

The Celtics' honor roll continued with Rajon Rondo (7 points, 13 assists, 4 steals) and Paul Pierce (13 of his 16 points in the first half, 5 rebounds, 6 assists). And it's a damned good thing that all their starters played so well, considering they got a sum total of 3 points from their bench (including a Super Mario! from Eddie House).

Considering their defense got shelled (51 percent shooting for Boston), and they got gangbanged on the boards (42-25), the Pistons were lucky to even be in the game at the end. But after building a 17-point third-quarter lead, the Celtics pulled out the prevent defense they used in Game 3 with similar effect: Detroit went on a 21-8 fourth quarter run that cut the lead to four with just under five minutes to go. Rodney Stuckey — who hit a big three-pointer to draw the Pistons within one with 1:22 to go — accidentally hit a foul shot he meant to miss (so Detroit could get it back) with about 4 seconds left. You really should have seen the look on his face; it was classic. KG then finished things off with a couple free throws.

Chauncey Billups led the Pistons with 26 points and 6 assists. Rip Hamilton, who strained his right elbow in the closing ticks, had 25 points, 6 assists, and 6 turnovers. And Rasheed Wallace added 18 points and his sixth technical fouls of the postseason (Said 'Sheed: "A lot of those foul calls, cats were flopping and falling all over the floor!").

Game 6 is Friday in Motown.

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who can't wait to see how David Stern fixes tonight's Pistons-Celtics game in favor of Boston. When he's not coming up with new NBA Finals conspiracy theories, he can be found humming a jaunty tune at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

No soup call for you! The Spurs had plenty of culprits in last night's Game 4 loss to the Lakers. There was Tim Duncan, who missed 16 shots. And Manu Ginobili, who scored only 7 points (2-for-8) and was an Obi-Wan Kenobi-like ghost of his Game 3 self. There were Fabricio Oberto, Michael Finley and Ime Udoka, who combined for zero points in almost 40 minutes of "action." There was Kurt Thomas and his mario. And, of course, there were the old legs that surrendered a 46-37 rebounding advantage and an Oliver Miller-sized edge in second chance points (26-4). But, in the end, the guiltiest parties may have been Joey Crawford, Joe Forte and Mark Wunderlich...the three wise(guy) monkeys who apparently could see no evil, hear no evil, and certainly couldn't call any evil.

It was a classic hump game for San Antonio. The home team fell behind by 14 in the first quarter, fought back to make it close, but could never quite overtake the Lakers. They trailed 93-86 with 50 seconds to play, then made a furious rally - thanks to a couple missed freethrows by Pau Gasol, a three by Manu, a miss by Kobe, and a goaltending call on Lamar Odom — to pull within 93-91 with 28 seconds to play. L.A. burned up most of the shot clock before Derek Fisher tossed up a jumper that was apparently all air, but the Spurs knocked the ball out of bounds. The Lakers inbounded to Kobe, who missed a rushed shot, and San Antonio snared the rebound with 2.1 seconds left. Plenty of time, right?

It was, too. Enough for Brent Barry — who turned back the clock with a 23-point performance — to catch, pump fake Fisher into the air, absorb the contact, and attempt a three-pointer. Two problems, though: Barry missed by a mile and the veteran officiating crew totally and completely blew the call. Now guess which ref was closest to the play...

Look, it was a foul. Marv Albert and Doug Collins knew it was a foul. Henry Abbott knew it was a foul. Freaking Helen Keller would have known it was a foul. But don't take my word for it. If you didn't watch it live, here's the video:

And that was the ballgame.

Of course, Fish didn't think it was a foul. "I think we met simultaneously, and there was contact for sure. But I don't think I ran through him." Suuuuure, Fish.

Credit the Spurs for being classy about the whole fiasco, though. Barry said "That's not going to get called in the Western Conference Finals" and Gregg Popovich added "If I was the official I wouldn't have called that a foul."

Kobe Bryant led the Lakers with 28 points, 10 rebounds, and 1 lonely assist. Lamar Odom had a redemption game with 16 points, 9 rebounds, and near-perfect free throw shooting (8-for-9). The Mad Spaniard had 10 points, 10 boards, and 6 assists. Timmy D had 29 points and 17 rebounds for the Spurs, who also got 23 points and 9 assists from Tony Parker.

The final game of the series is Thursday in L.A.

The Dice Man cometh...once every 10 years. Let's go over the Boston Celtics' Game 4 checklist. Shut down Chauncey Billups (10 points, 3-for-12) and Tayshaun Prince (7 points, 3-for-12)? Check. Contain Rasheed Wallace (14 points, 5 rebounds, 5 blocked shots)? Sort of check. Limit Rip Hamilton's scoring opportunities (20 points, 8-for-10)? Well, at least he didn't get 30. That's everybody, right? Right?! Oops. Not right. Very not right.

Antonio McDyess — who apparently discovered the Fountain of Youth over the weekend — had his best playoff game since April 27, 1998, scoring 21 points, grabbing 16 rebounds, playing lockdown defense, providing energy, inspiring his teammates and turning pure evil into delicious candy. Thanks largely to his unexpected transformation back into the Dice Man of the late 90s, the Pistons ran away with a 94-75 victory over the Celtics.

Said McDyess: "You only have so many opportunities, and they're limited, especially for me. I'm at the end of my career, and I just feel like leaving everything on the floor." And that "everything" includes a giant, smoking crater that used to be the Celtics.

Still, Antonio's big game aside, the Leprechauns did not play well. They shot 31 percent. They hit only one of their nine three-point attempts. They got 10 of their shots stuffed. They had more turnovers (14) than assists (12). And their defense on the Pistons — who shot 51 percent and committed only 7 turnovers — wasn't exactly the stuff of legends.

Boston's Mid-sized Three of Kevin Garnett (16 points, 10 rebounds), Paul Pierce (16 points, 8 rebounds) and Ray Allen (11 points) also failed to deliver, missing their first seven shots and combining to hit 11-for-38 for the game. But the Celtics used The Stern Button for their 39 free throw attempts to stay in the game...until the fourth quarter, anyway. And that's when the Pistons shut them down.

Said Boston coach Doc Rivers: "They bumped us off our spots and were more physical and aggressive all night. Usually the winner is the team that was more aggressive."

Yup. And now the series is tied 2-2. Game 5 is Wednesday in Boston.

Kevin Garnett (22 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists) played the role of high priest, and role players like Kendrick Perkins (12 points, 10 rebounds), Rajon Rondo (14 points, 4 assists) and James Posey (12 points, 4 rebounds) were his faithful acolytes. Huh. Not sure what that makes Ray Allen (14 points, 5-for-16, 6 assists) or Paul Pierce (11 points, 4 rebounds, 5 turnovers). Maybe I should have skipped the magic analogy, or used Harry Potter references again.

Anyway, it wasn't about Boston's individual performances. It was about their defense. They held the Pistons to 38 percent shooting - including 1-for-13 from downtown - and outrebounded them 44-28. Rip Hamilton scored 26 points, but he was only 8-for-18 from the field. Chauncey Billups (6 points, 1-for-6, 4 assists) played like his hamstring was missing. Tayshaun Prince (4 points, 2-for-11, 4 rebounds) played like he was keeping Chauncey's hamstring company. And Rasheed Wallace eventually fouled out after a frustrating night of trying to keep up with KG.

Still, all that being said, the Pistons cut a 20-point Boston lead down to only nine with about three minutes left, thanks mostly to the fact that the Celtics went into the NBA-equivalent of the prevent defense: Walking the ball up the court, trying to waste time, putting up rushed shots before the shot clock could expire. In short, playing not to lose their lead instead of trying to extend it. Which is stupid, and ugly to watch, but I guess it worked.

And Doc Rivers was totally underwhelmed. "I think our guys just assumed we would eventually win on the road." If you say so, Doc. And on the other end of the spectrum, Flip Saunders is all life or death. "They got home court back. [The next game] is a crucial game for us - the biggest of the year."

Game 4 is Monday in Detroit.

The box score from the game reads like something out of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Ass Whoopin'. The Lakers bitchslapped the Spurs in just about every way possible: They outshot 'em (55 percent to 34 percent), outfreethrowed 'em (20-10), outrebounded 'em (44-36) and outbenched 'em (34-26). Kobe Bryant scored 22 points (10-for-17), but it seemed like twice that. Lamar Odom looked more Batman than Robin (20 points, 12 rebounds, 4 blocked shots). And Pau Gasol (10 points, 7 boards)...that dude's just crazy.

Meanwhile, San Antonio's big guns ran out of ammo, especially in the second half. Tony Parker "led" the Spurs with 13 points and 4 assists, but shot 6-for-15. Timmy Duncan had a double-double (12 points, 16 rebounds) but shot 6-for-14. And Manu continued to earn the "Shoeless Joe Ginobili" nickname I gave him (7 points, 2-for-8, a couple flops).

Said Ginobili: "I blame myself for these two losses." So do we, Manu. So do we. Now you've got two choices: Live for nothing, or die for something. Your call.

Game 4 3 is on Sunday in San Antonio.

Damn you, Ray Allen! Things were going just fine until Ray-Ray had to screw everything up. I mean, a career-worst shooting slump at the worst possible time seems like a small price to pay for an unstoppable home winning streak, right? Not for Allen, who selfishly broke out of said slump by scoring 25 points on 9-for-16 shooting - his best game in three months. And as fast as you could say "He got game again," the Boston Celtics lost their first home game of the postseason 103-97 to the Detroit Pistons.

See, this is why professional athletes are such a wildly superstitious lot. Darin Erstad's mystical anti-injury pouch, Patrick Roy's conversations with the pucks, Jason Terry's game-shorts-as-pajamas bedtime habit, Pelle Lindbergh's ubiquitous orange t-shirt, Caron Butler's pre-game Mountain Dew bath...the general rule is this: If you're winning, don't change anything.

Now, the Celtics' world has been spun right off its axis. But maybe that's all part of the plan, you know? I mean, if these playoffs have been one big educational process for the Leprechauns, then this home loss will force them to learn how to win on the road. Or something. Said Doc Rivers: "I fully believe, and I've said it many times, at some point we're going to have to win on the road. We've gotten away with it thus far. That's been taken away. And if we want what we want, we have to win on the road and that's just the way it is."

Apparently so, since the Celtics wasted big games from Allen, Kevin Garnett (24 points, 13 rebounds, 2 blocked shots) and Paul Pierce (26 points, 5 rebounds, 4 assists) in the loss. Chauncey Billups (19 points, 7 assists) ditched his men-in-tights look and was a better man for it, and Rip Hamilton (25 points, 10-for-12 from the line), Rasheed Wallace (13 points, 10 rebounds), Antonio McDyess (15 points, 8 rebounds, 3 steals) and Tayshaun Prince (14 points, 8 rebounds) were all solid. What's more, Rodney Stucky outscored the entire Boston bench 13-8 and drilled some critical jump shots in the final period. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Sam Cassell had another DNP-CD.

It's not that the Celtics played poorly. The Pistons were just the better team last night. And that's got to be pretty disconcerting for the Gang Green, even though it was no surprise for 'Sheed. "[The series] is even. We don't sit back and say, 'Oh, look. They are undefeated at home,' or 'They didn't win a game on the road.' A lot of teams they played in the postseason and regular season were scared of them, as far as KG and Ray and Paul. They are good players, but we have good players, also."

True enough. Now, can The Big Three beat The Sinister Six in Detroit? I guess we'll find out on Saturday.

Fun fact: New England Patriots pretty boy Tom Brady attended the game with his supermodel girlfriend Giselle Bunderherfwhatever. Turns out that when she's not posing for swimsuit calendars, she looks vaguely mannish. Seriously. Cover her lips and chin with your thumb and you'll see what I'm talking about.

"I hate snakes, Jock! I HATE 'EM!" Just when it looked like the Spurs might actually escape with the golden idol, they got chased out of the Staples Center by a giant rolling boulder (the Lakers defense) and, of course, a hated snake (Kobe Bryant). So instead of the fortune and glory they were hoping for, all San Antonio Duncan and his team ended up with was an 89-85 loss, an 0-1 series deficit, and a bunch of half-naked natives chasing after them with spears and poisoned darts. Okay, okay. I made up that last part. But it would have been cool, right?

The (Forum) Blue and Gold looked more than a little rusty to start the game. Kobe scored only two points on 1-for-3 in the first half and, by the third quarter, the Lakers found themselves at the ass-end of a 20-point deficit. This led a certain Lakers fan to send me the following text messages in rapid succession: "Turns out Odom is still in Utah," then "Turns out Kobe is still in Utah," then "Kobe picked the worst time to go 2006 Game 7," and finally "Kobe lost this game by not setting an aggressive tone...I wish I could change the channel."

Turns out Mamba was just setting a deadly and cleverly-concealed booby trap...and the Spurs were the boobies. The league MVP exploded for 27 points on 10-for-18 shooting in the second half, disregarding and making a mockery of Bruce Bowen's attempts to guard him. And that, my friends, was apparently all part of the plan.

Said Mamba: "I know I can make that push and I knew once I did, I could get the game back under control, get it under 10 where we knew we could be in striking distance. In the first half, we were a little rusty, a little sluggish and a little tentative. Second half, it wasn't there."

Said San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "Kobe, he was doing a trust-his-teammates thing in the first half. That's why he had 5 assists, and he was checking it all out to see where his territory was going to be. In the second half, he went to work."

The Spurs looked scared and helpless in the fourth quarter, during which they shot 3-for-21 from the field (including 1-for-9 from distance) and got outscored 24-13. I don't know if he was tired or what - it's not the years, honey; it's the mileage - but Tim Duncan, who was spectacular for most of the game (30 points, 18 rebounds, 4 blocked shots), looked afraid to attack Pau Gasol's defense or even shoot wide-open jumpers. Tony Parker played well enough (18 points, 10 rebounds, 6 assists), but he couldn't have penetrated the mysteries of the paint with a dozen Indiana Joneses on his side. And as for Shoeless Joe Ginobili, he literally threw the game away by shooting 3-for-13 and committing several crippling fourth-quarter turnovers.

But credit the Lakers, who behind Mamba, Gasol (19 points, 7 rebounds), Vlad the Radmanovic (10 points, 5-for-5) and Sasha Vujacic (10 points, 2-for-5 from downtown, killer defense on Ginobili) managed to shut down the defending champs after it looked like they were going to lose by 30. Ugh. Did I just say "Credit the Lakers"? I think I'm going to...blargh! Yup. I just thew up in my mouth a little.

Game 2 is Friday in L.A.

"Rest is not an option." So said Kevin Garnett after the Celtics defeated the Pistons 88-79 in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, adding "So we don't even think about that." And based on the way Garnett played — a game-high 26 points (11-for-17), 9 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 blocks, and several Lou Ferrigno-style flexdowns — I wouldn't blame Doc Rivers if he replaced that glass of warm milk KG drinks before bedtime with a couple dozen bottles of 5-Hour Energy. That cat didn't need any rest. And neither did the rest of the Celtics.

Boston hit 52 percent of its shots, forced Detroit to miss almost 60 percent of its and won the battle in the paint 44-22 to remain undefeated at home in the playoffs. And KG wasn't the only leprechaun bleeding Celtic Pride. Paul Pierce had 22 points, 6 rebounds and 6 assists. Kendrick Perkins looked like a real NBA center by grabbing 10 rebounds. And Rajon Rondo (11 points, 7 assists, 5 steals) outplayed Chauncey Billups (9 points, 2 assists).

As has been the case throughout pretty much every game in every series of these playoffs, the third quarter pretty much decided who would win. Boston outscored Detroit 28-17 in period numero tres. And even though that wasn't the ball game, it sort of was the ball game, you know?

Whether it was the layoff, the Celtics D, or the outcome of last week's stunning season finale of Smallville, most of the Pistons starters were off their game. Antonio McDyess was the best of the lot with 14 points (5-for-10) and 11 rebounds. But Billups, Tayshaun Prince (16 points, 7-for-16), Rip Hamilton (15 points, 5-for-13) and especially Rasheed Wallace (11 points, 3-for-12, roasted by Garnett) all kind of sucked. For them, anyway.

Detroit coach Flip Saunders scoffed at the excuses, saying that neither the layoff nor the Smallville finale — which he said turned out pretty much how he'd expected — had anything to do with his team's disappointing failure. "It wasn't a matter of rust as we had too many mental mistakes. We weren't in the right situations on some offensive sets. We weren't in the right situations on some defensive rotations. When you do that, it messes up the whole team and the whole team looks a step slow." Well, there you go. That explains it.

Game 2 is in Boston on Thursday night.

Fun fact: New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick attended last night's game and actually sat near the Detroit bench with some mummy-like woman (see above). There was no word whether he was standing over Flip Saunders' shoulder with a video camera at any point, but the Celtics had their offensive game in weeks. It's...it's almost like they knew what kind of defensive sets the Pistons were going to run. Especially after halftime. Hmmm, I wonder...

Funner fact: In the days leading up to Game 1, Ray Allen said: "I would rather have the rhythm" of regular competition than extra rest "because (with) the rhythm you don't have to guess from one day to the next" how you'll play. Well, Ray-Ray sure maintained the rhythm he established in the Cleveland series, scoring 9 points on 3-for-10 shooting. So yeah, maybe there was at least one Celtic who could have used some time off.

Sherman, set the WABAC machine to 2004. Forget the plutonium, the Flux Capacitor and the DeLorean. Turns out you don't need 1.21 GIGAWATTS!!! to achieve temporal displacement. Doc Popovich has discovered the real secrets behind time travel, and the San Antonio Spurs were his TARDIS in last night's 91-82 victory over the New Orleans Hornets.

Said Popovich: "I was standing on the edge of my toilet hanging a clock, the porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the sink, and when I came to I had a revelation! A vision! A picture in my head! A picture of this! This is what makes time travel possible in the NBA: Slowing the pace to a crawl, playing a suffocating and physical defense, working the ball inside to a dominant big mand and then hitting from outside when he's double-teamed, avoiding mistakes while capitalizing on the mistakes of our opponents. And it works! HA HA HA HA HA! It works! I finally invented something that works!"

The Spurs didn't shoot well — 39 percent -0 but they won the rebounding battle, hit 12 threes and, as usual, imposed their will on a younger, less experienced team. Manu Ginobili led San Antonio with 26 points, 5 rebounds and 5 assists, and he hit four free throws in the final 60 ticks to open the wormhole that would send the Spurs back to the Western Conference Finals. Tony Parker added 17 points, Timmy Duncan finished with 16 points and 14 rebounds, and the roleplayers — specifically Ime Udoka, Michael Finley and Cheap Shot Rob — knocked in clutch threes.

Meanwhile, the Hornets weren't thinking fourth dimensionally, so they have to make like a tree ... and get outta the playoffs. Chris Paul (18 points, 14 assists, 5 steals), David West (20 points, 9 rebounds), and Tyson Chandler (13 points, 15 rebounds) got their numbers, and Jannero Pargo came off the bench to explode for 16 fourth-quarter points — on about a jillion shots — to help New Orleans cut a 17-point lead to three.

But the young-uns finally acted their age and got rattled by the implacable (meaning "not able to be plac'ed") efficiency of the defending champs. Peja Stojakovic, reverting to his 2002 Sacramento Kings form, hit nothing but air on an open three. West boned an open 12-footer. And several Hornets — or was it only Pargo shooting? — missed open threes in the final minutes as the Spurs slowly walked away with the game.

Said Cheap Shot Rob: "People always talk about you being old because you don't dunk anymore or slash as fast as you used to slash, but we're one of the smartest teams in the league and we have a very good coaching staff. We didn't make stupid mistakes tonight."

The Spurs will face the Lakers — again — for the right to move on to the NBA Finals. Game 1 is Wednesday in L.A.

Larry Paul versus Dominique LeBron. Look, I'm not even going to pretend to be unmoved here. Fans of the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers had to endure one of the ugliest series in NBA history for six brutal games, but you know what? The final game made it all worthwhile. (Okay, mostly worthwhile.) As Game 7 showdowns go, this one ranks right up there with Larry Bird versus Dominique Wilkins in the 1988 Eastern Conference Semifinals, right down to a Celtic superstar with a wispy, porn star mustache and an opposing superstar who went down with his head held high.

LeBron (45 points, 14-for-29, 5 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals) bared his basketball soul for the world to see, but in the end — and you knew this was coming, right? — he and his team just couldn't handle The Truth. And like Shaquille O'Neal once said: "Paul Pierce is the motherfucking truth. Quote me on that and don't take nothing out."

Pierce finished with 41 points (13-for-23), 4 rebounds, 5 assists and 2 steals. He hit big shot after big shot. He guarded — and was guarded by — LeBron for most of the game. He, like LeBron, took a lot of uncalled contact but stayed aggressive and never quit. He dove for a loose ball and quickly called timeout to preserve a Boston possession in the fourth quarter. And he hit two free throws with 7.9 seconds left — the first of which hit the back rim, went straight up, and fell right down into the basket — to secure the game, which ended thusly: Boston 97, Cleveland 92.

Said Pierce: "The ghost of Red (Auerbach) just looking over us. I think he kind of tapped (the free throw) in the right direction. It sort of put a smile on my face." And 18,624 other faces as well.

While this duel might have lacked the you-hit-then-I-hit-then-you-hit quality of the Larry and 'Nique show, it was still an impossibly dramatic gunfight between two amazing players on as big a public stage as you can ask for. As LeBron put it: "We both tried to will our team to victory and, just like Dominique Wilkins, I ended up on the short end and the Celtics won again. I think the second round of the postseason, Game 7, these fans will finally have an opportunity to forget a little bit about Larry Bird and Dominique Wilkins did and remember what Paul and LeBron did."

Or, better yet, they'll get to remember both. And be a lot better for it.

OK. I'm done Bill Waltonizing now. Other than LeBron, the only other Cavalier who showed up to play was Delonte West (15 points, 5 assists). Guys like Zydrunas Ilgauskas (8 points, 2-for-8), Ben Wallace (3 points, 4 rebounds), Sasha Pavlovic (7 points, 3-for-8) and especially Wally Szczerbiak (zero points, 0-for-3, 4 fouls in 15 minutes) just stood around looking dumbstruck.

On the other end of the ball, Paul Pierce didn't get tons of backup, but he got a little more than LeBron. Kevin Garnett had 13 points and 13 rebounds, P.J. Brown had 10 points and 6 boards (not to mention a critical jumper and an even more critical offensive rebound/putback in the fourth quarter), and Eddie House came off the bench in the first half to jumpstart the Celtics out of a dangerously lethargic stretch.

One last note: Sometime during the game, Mark Jackson stated flatly that Paul Pierce had already earned the right to have his number retired and hung up in the rafters alongside Russell's, Cousy's, Havlicek's, Jones', Cowens' and Bird's. At the time, I thought he was vastly overstating things. Now? Not so much.

The Celtics will now move on to face the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals. Game 1 is in Boston on Tuesday.

The mistakes by the lake. The worst part about a game like this is that either team has to win. But them's the rules, so the Cleveland Cavaliers "won" 74-69 to force a Game 7 in Boston. Which, if it's anything like Game 6, will hopefully eliminate both teams from the playoffs. Has that ever happened? Well, it should.

The Celtics shot a blistering 39 percent for the game. At least, it was blistering compared to Cleveland's freeze-tastic 32 percent shooting. But the Cavs more than made up the difference at the line, almost doubling up the C's. In fact, LeBron had more attempts (15) than the entire Celtics squad (13). The biggest beef with the zebras, though, came with 49.9 seconds left and Cleveland leading 72-67. Paul Pierce was called for a ticky-tac charging foul against King James - apparently you can't even touch him now - that had Doc Rivers at a loss for words. Said the Doc: "I thought the charge call on Paul...well, you guys can take it from there. I mean, that's a huge call...to make, but listen, we played hard. I'm just going to stop there."

LeBron shot 9-for-23 and committed 8 turnovers, but he finished with 32 points, 12 rebounds and 6 assists. More importantly, King James drove in a hoop and then hit an off-balance jumper from 17 feet out to give the Cavaliers a commanding 69-60 lead in the final minutes. Which, obviously, the Celtics couldn't overcome, thanks also to a timely three-pointer by Wally Szczerbiak (who knew?) and a couple free throws by Joe Smith (yes, he's getting the crunch time minutes).

Kevin Garnett (25 points, 8 rebounds) scored 8 points in a 13-0 Boston run to help the Celtics recover from a 15 point lead, but, well, it didn't matter. Paul Pierce added 16 points, Ray Allen had 9, and Rajon Rondo — who killed Cleveland in Game 5 — scored only 2.

Game 7 is Sunday in Boston. Which comes one day before Game 7 of the Spurs-Hornets series, even though Game 6 of that series happened one day before Game 6 of this series. WTF, David Stern?

The road team jinx if finally broken. 2-21. That's the new and improved composite record for road teams in the second round of this year's playoffs after the Los Angeles Lakers held survived a madcap rally by the Utah Jazz to win 108-105. The Lakers now advance to the Western Conference Finals for the first time since the last time they did it. There they will face either a young team with an injured All-Star and no bench or an ancient team that's transforming to dust before our very eyes. And that sound you just heard was the explosive power of David Stern's massive erection.

Kobe Bryant shook off his fake back injury to score 34 points — 12 of which came in the fourth quarter — and grab 8 rebounds. His performance was complimented nicely by the play of Pau Gasol (17 points, 13 rebounds), Derek Fisher (16 points), and Lamar Odom (13 points, 9 rebounds). Sasha Douchbagacic came off the Lakers bench to score 12 points and hit 2-for-3 from distance.

The Jazz couldn't shoot (38 percent) or defend (50 percent for L.A.), but they fought and scrambled to outscore the Lakers 35-22 in the fourth. Deron Williams (21 points, 14 assists) led the charge, but he missed a three-pointer in the final seconds that would have tied the game. Mehmet Okur (16 points, 10 rebounds) drilled a couple threes during Utah's fourth-quarter comeback, but he also missed a game-tying three at the end. Carlos Boozer (12 points, 14 rebounds) continued to slump (5-for-16), and his lousy play probably cost the Jazz this series. Good job, Carlos.

They are who we thought they were. Faced with a must-win situation at home, the San Antonio Spurs did what they always seem to do: They used flawless execution, ruthless efficiency, and a third quarter flopstravaganza to turn a close game into a 99-80 route. But of course winning wasn't enough for Robert Horry.

With 10:11 left in the fourth and the Spurs leading by 21, Cheap Shot Rob aimed a hard — and illegal — pick right into the meaty goodness of David West's injured back. And just like last season when he thugged Steve Nash, San Antonio got the optimum payoff: Horry got tagged with a simple offensive foul and David West got carried out in a body bag. (OK, OK, he just writhed on the floor a few minutes until a couple trainers helped him limp and shuffle back to the locker room. But the body bag thing sounded a lot cooler, didn't it?)

The Spurs won thanks to big games from Manu Ginobili (25 points, 9-for-15) and Tim Duncan (20 points, 15 rebounds, 6 assists), a three-point barrage from Ginobili (6-for-9) and Ime Udoka (3-for-3), and a cluster of critical offensive fouls drawn by the flop-a-riffic acting skills of Duncan and Bruce Bowen, who sold charges the way a used car salesman might stick you with a rusty lemon that won't even get you home from the lot. But don't take my word for it ... watch for yourself:

Was there some home cookin' involved? Well, let me put it this way: During that third quarter flop-a-palooza, Paul got called for his third and fourth fouls and West got called for his second and third, all in about a minute. Then, a few minutes later, West picked up his fourth. Next thing you know, the Spurs were leading by 15 and the game was pretty much over. But I'm sure it was all just a big coincidence.

The Hornets played hard, but — other than Chris Paul (21 points, 5 rebounds, 8 assists) — not well. David West managed only 10 points on 4-for-14 shooting before Horry Cobra Kai'ed him, Peja Stojakovic finished with 13, and Tyson Chandler scored 14 on 7-for-8 shooting, but he grabbed only 6 rebounds and couldn't contain Duncan. And don't even get me started in on the New Orleans "bench." (Although, to be fair, Julian Wright played pretty well — 8 points on 4-for-8 shooting.)

The series is now knotted at 3-all. Game 7 is Monday. Now somebody go call a witch doctor or a faith healer or something and have them fix West's back.

Not in our house! Part I. LeBron broke out of his shooting slump (for almost one half, anyway), Kevin Garnett finally submitted a dominant performance (it only took five games), and there was a nice little duel between Rajon Rondo and Delonte "The Pirate" West (see below). But while the circumstances may have changed, the final result did not: Boston maintained their homecourt dominance by beating Cleveland 96-89. But at least LeBron's mom wasn't around to go apeshit. So that's something.

King James (35 points, 12-for-25, 5 assists) scored 23 points in the first 20 minutes, but he hit only one bucket in the next 20, thanks mostly to some shutdown D from Paul Pierce. (I know. Who knew?) But other than King and West (21 points, 4 assists, 4 steals), the rest of the Cavs — SHOCK ALERT!! — sucked basketball. Zydrunas Ilguaskas had 6 points and 7 boards, Ben Wallace (4 points, 4 boards) played like he was still dizzy, and Wally World (10 points, 3-for-8) must be trying out for Saturday Night Live, because he's honed his Larry Hughes impression to perfection (you knew it was coming).

Kevin Garnett (26 points, 16 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 steals, 3 blocks) put his stamp on the game, especially during the pivotal third quarter when the Celtics outscored Cleveland 29-17. In addition to putting baby ... I mean, LeBron ... in a corner, Pierce scored 29 points and grabbed 7 boards. And Rajon Rondo (20 points, 9-for-15, 13 assists) officially took Ray Allen's spot in The New Big Three.

Boston now leads the series 3-2, with Game 6 on Friday in Cleveland.

Quote of the game: Delonte West, who's suffering from an unspecified eye condition and therefore left the court during the Celtics' introduction to avoid the smoke, said: "It's hard to play this game with one eye unless you're a pirate."

Boston is the new Los Angeles: The TD Banknorth Garden crowd had an unusual number of celebrities in attendance, including Robe Lowe (okay, that's a stretch these days), Jay-Z, Beyonce, Louis C.K. (I had no idea you could win an emmy for stand-up comedy), Johan Hill (the fat kid from Superbad), Donnie Wahlberg (isn't his brother the celebrity?), JoJo Levesque and a bunch of the New England Patriots (they were probably taping the Cavaliers' defensive signals).

Not in our house! Part II. The Lakers were obviously happy to be back in the Staples Center, where the free throws — 42 to be exact — flow fast and free. For them, anyway. And it turned out that L.A. didn't even need Kobe or his back in the fourth quarter, during which the Lakers outscored the Jazz 30-23 — and 8-2 in the final minute — to hold on for a 111-104 win.

Mamba led his team with 26 points, 6 rebounds and 7 assists, but actually allowed his teammates to carry the burden in the final period. And Pau Gasol (21 points, 6 rebounds, 8 assists) and Lamar Odom (22 points, 11 rebounds) were more than happy to do so. (There are now three sets of prints on the game ball.)

The Lakers led the whole way, but Utah pulled to within 103-102 with 2:18 left. But Pau Gasol scored the next four points and the rest was played for posterity. Utah's starting five did most of the damage for The Mummy Jerry Sloan, particularly Deron Williams (27 points, 5 rebounds, 10 assists), Carlos Boozer (18 points, 12 rebounds) and Mehmet Okur (13 points, 13 boards).

L.A. now leads the series 3-2, with Game 6 on Friday in Utah.

Stat watch: The Lakers' D.J. Mbenga played one second, thus earning himself a Super Mario.

Fun fact: Home teams are now 19-1 in the second round. Which means they should probably just skip the Game 6s and go right to the Game 7s.

What's blue, white and eliminated all over? The Orlando Magic, of course! Despite Jameer Nelson's guarantee — or maybe because of it — the Magicians made themselves disappear from the 2008 NBA Playoffs by losing 91-86 in Detroit. And they could have earned a few O.W.L.s for conjuring up this amazing feat of suck.

Orlando managed to overcome the advantages of the absence of Detroit's All-Star point guard Chauncey Billups and the Pistons' 36 percent shooting ... by missing 12 free throws and turning the ball over 21 times. They also forced only 3 turnovers — and zero after the first quarter — despite the fact that the Billups injury forced Flip Saunders to start a rookie (Rodney Stuckey) from a wee little college (Eastern Washington). Stuckey had 15 points, 6 assists and, most important, zero turnovers in 33 minutes. He must have taken some Felix Felicis before the game.

The Phantom of Auburn Hills continued to menace the Magic with 31 points and flawless foul shooting (16-for-16), and Antonio McDyess had 17 points and 11 rebounds despite finding out as he was arriving at the arena that his grandmother, Beatrice Harris, had passed away. (Not to be morbid, but do you think Joe Dumars is going to put out a hit on a couple of Tony's other family members during the Eastern Conference Finals?) Tayshaun Prince added 10 points, 8 boards and a huge block on Hedo Turkoglu in the final 20 ticks. He has a bad habit of doing that.

Hedo led Orlando with 18 points, 9 rebounds, 7 assists and 5 turnovers. Rashard Lewis added 14 points, 7 boards and 6 turnovers. And Dwight Howard continued to do his "poor man's Shaq" impersonation by grabbing 17 rebounds, missing 9 free throws and committing 4 turnovers.

Fun fact: Charles Barkley thinks Stan Van Gundy is actually Ron Jeremy. Which isn't that much of a stretch. I mean, has anyone actually seen Stan and Ron at the same time?

Wild, Wild West! David West crushed the Spurs in his iron fist last night by scoring 38 points (16-for-25), grabbing 14 rebounds, dishing 5 assists and blocking 5 shots. And he did all that with a bad back. The word your shocked brain is searching for is "wow."

West's Incredible Hulk-like performance helped the Hornets win 101-79 and take a 3-2 series lead despite Gregg Popovich's efforts at slowing the game down to a shuffling, grinding pace that would make most mortal men (and women) hate basketball. San Antonio's stall ball worked for one half but failed miserably in the third quarter, during which the Hornets outscored the Spurs 28-11. Suck on that Karma, Gregg.

Despite playing in West's ginormous shadow, Chris Paul scored 22 points — 16 of which came in the second half — while also distributing 14 dimes. Mo Pete finished with 12 points by hitting 4-for-6 from beyond the arc. And Peja Stojakovic scored only 9 points, but he grabbed 11 rebounds, dished to Pete for a three during the Hornets' big third quarter run and hit a three-pointer in transition to help hold off the Spurs in the fourth.

Manu Ginobili had 20 points and 7 assists, Tony Parker flopped his way to 18 points, and Tim Duncan grabbed 23 boards — which is the best single-game rebounding total for this year's playoffs — but got harassed into scoring only 10 points on 5-for-18 shooting.

Welcome To Cleveland's Roadkill Cafe. Swarming defense, a brutal posterization of the Defensive Player of the Year, a superstar potty mouth, and LeBron's momma ... these were all part of an 88-77 Cavaliers win that had Doc Rivers and his Celtics clicking their ruby slippers together and chanting "There's no place like TD Banknorth Garden...there's no place like TD Banknorth Garden..."

Despite the fact that the Green and White built their reputation on a best-in-the-league defense, Cleveland did most of the shutting downing last night, holding the Celtics to 38 percent shooting and only 12 points in the fourth quarter. And while Boston's not-so-big-anymore three were getting blanked in that final stanza, King James (21 points, 6 rebounds, 13 assists) put his royal boot up the leprechaun's butt, dishing four dimes, hitting the first of two game-breaking threes (Boobie Gibson hit the other one), and dropping an exclamation mark jam on KG that led an Associated Press writer to observe "The Cavaliers were awed by James' stuff." Which I'm sure is totally true, but probably a little TMI.

Of course, many people will remember this contest as the game that LeBron's mom, Gloria James, got all up in Paul Pierce's face after Truth put a bear hug on the King to prevent a second-quarter dunk. But LeBron defused a potentially disruptive situation by calmly explaining that her behavior was inappropriate and politely asking her to return to her seat at the earliest possible convenience. Or something like that.

Said LeBron: "I told her to sit down, in some language that I shouldn't have used. Thank God today wasn't Mother's Day. All I could think about is her. I know my mother, we're good." Suuuuure, LeBron. Whatever you say. (But ask yourself this: Would your mom be okay with you telling her to sit her ass down? Yeah. Didn't think so.)

LeBron hit only 7-for-20 from the field but actually improved his series shooting average to 26 percent. But his Dick Cheney-like marksmanship weren't no thang, partly because he dished 'em and hit 'em when they mattered most, and partly because he got some actual, honest-to-goodness help from Gibson (14 points, 4 assists, and a fourth-quarter dagger), Wally Szczerbiak (14 points, 6-for-11), and Sideshow Bob (12 points, 6 rebounds).

Meanwhile, the Celtics' performances — such as they were — came with asterisks. KG led his team with 15 points and 10 rebounds, but he scored only 2 points in the second half and zero points in the fourth. Ray Allen had 15 points too, but he shot only 4-for-10 and couldn't get open down the stretch. Pierce scored half of his team's 12 fourth-quarter points, but he finished with 13 on 17 shots. Oh, and Boston's bench got outscored 36-17.

Game 5 is Wednesday.

The Jazz fans came out in full force again and some of them even chose to deny God for a chance to root against the Lakers. Or, in Mormon fan Bree Kasten's case, for the Lakers: "I'm not supposed to come, but I did anyways. It's kind of sad because my religion is supposed to be first and foremost to me, but it's the Lakers and I couldn't help it." Kasten was found later that evening riding the bus because, once again, "her car was eaten by locusts." This is what happens when you choose the Black Mamba over God.

The Spurs are determined to make the NBA playoffs as boring as possible : Speaking of Chris Paul, the Shitzu's 23 points and five assists weren't enough to edge the San Antonio Spurs toward the brink of elimination. Tim Duncan showed everyone why he's still Tim Duncan, throwing up a stoicly dominating performance that resulted in 22 points and 15 boards. (Does Tim Duncan still have his tongue pierced, by the way? ) The Spurs completely destroyed the Hornets 100-80 and now have the series tied up again at 2-2, much to the displeasure of every casual NBA fan who doesn't want to suffer through another Finals of slumbering team-oriented basketball with a French point guard. Speaking of which, the Frenchman's wife, Eva Longoria actually attended the game last night in San Antonio, even though her show's season finale was airing at the time. Also in attendance, actor Tommy Lee Jones, who was there to cheer on his new beau, Ime Udoka. The series is tied 2-2.

Celtics receive a Cleveland steamer. It may feel natural to compare Boston's performance last night to poop, but that's actually an insult to poop everywhere. The Celtics fell behind 32-13 in the first quarter and never really challenged, eventually suffering an embarrassing 108-84 defeat. That, my friends, is what I like to refer to as negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages. Or wrestling the brown corn-belly snake. Or taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Or — and this is my personal favorite — singing with Michael Bolton. Okay. I've hit my quota of poop jokes for the month. What a relief.

LeBron had another sucktastic shooting night (5-for-16), but it didn't matter. The Celtics were sliced and diced by Delonte West (21 points, 5 rebounds, 7 assists), Joe Smith (17 points, 6 rebounds), Wally Szczerbiak (16 points), Zydrunas Ilgauskas (12 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists) and Ben Wallace (9 points, 9 rebounds, 2 blocked shots). It was...it was like the Cavaliers were an actual team. Boston? Not so much.

Boston's "Big Three" played more like the "Teensy Trio." KG had 17 points and 9 rebounds, but Ray Allen was 4-for-10 and Paul Pierce shot 3-for-8 and committed a game-high 4 turnovers. Rajon Rondo (3-for-10) and Sam Cassell (0-for-6) didn't do much to help the cause, either. The bigger problem, though, was the Celtics' "best in the league" defense, which allowed the Cavs to shoot 54 percent from the field and 52 percent from way out there.

So, uh, yeah ... maybe what the Hawks did in against the Celtics in the first round was no fluke.

The Pistons don't need no stinking Chauncey! Bumping. Grinding. Dwight Howard bleeding from the mouth. It was a rough and tumble game that would have made Bill Laimbeer proud, and that's the type of game the Pistons usually win. Which they did, 90-89. Without Chauncey Billups, no less.

After the game, Rasheed Wallace (16 points, 8 rebounds) broke it down for everybody. "We just played 'D' — that's what we do. It was a physical game on both sides of the ball. That's our style; we like being physical. We just wish we could do that more often." I bet they do. And I bet Dwight Howard and his mouth don't.

Richard Hamilton led Detroit with 32 points, and Tayshaun Prince (17 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists) hit a running one-hander from 11 feet out with 8.9 seconds to give the Pistons a one-point lead. The Magic could have tied it, but Hedo Turkoglu (20 points, 5 turnovers) took about 8.7 seconds to begin a failed drive to the basket, and Dwight Howard (8 points, 12 rebounds) failed to convert a follow-up layin.

What the hell took Hedo so damn long? This was what he said: "I was reading the situation. I didn't want to rush and force a bad shot. Maybe I was holding it too long instead of going right away." Carlos Boozer approves this message.

So now the Magic are in a 3-1 hole and heading back to Detroit for Game 5. Their only hope is that one of the Pistons players starts talking about how good it feels to be moving on to the second round...

Lakers get Boozed up. Is the Carlos Boozer Playoff Slump finally over? It sure looked like it last night. The Boozman dropped in 27 points (12-for-21) and snatched a career playoff-high-tying 20 rebounds, and the Jazz gave the Lakers a 104-99 hangover. The kind with a throbbing headache and crippling diarrhea. Oh, and increased sensitivity to light. I always hate that part.

How'd Carlos break the jinx? Why, he just pretended he was the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. "I tried to stop thinking so much out there. My teammates were waiting for a big game out of me and I was too. ... I had to play thought-free and just react and play." I guess thinking really is overrated.

Utah did some other things right, too. The Jazz hit 50 percent of their shots (39-for-78). They forced 18 turnovers and won the Battle of the Paint 48-36. And, most importantly, they held the Lakers under 40 freethrow attempts for a change (L.A. was 30-for-37 from the stripe). Mehmet Okur contributed 22 points and 7 rebounds, and he was 4-for-7 from three-point range. Deron Williams hurt his wrist - don't worry; the X-rays were negative - but still finished with 18 points and 12 assists.

Kobe Bryant was once again MVP-like in the box score (34 points, 6 rebounds, 7 assists) and from the foul line (14-for-17), but nobody else really stood out for the Lakers. However, I'm going to throw some numbers at you anyway. Lamar Odom had a double-double (13 points, 12 rebounds), Pau Gasol had 12 points and 6 boards, and Derek Fisher added 13 points. But Kobe, Gasol and Odom combined to throw the ball away 12 times ... which in part led to Utah's 22 points off of turnovers. And that was a problem.

Said Kobe: "We clawed back but you can't turn the ball over so many times. We had a lot of open looks and you can sustain a game like that if you don't turn the ball over."

Lamar Odom had this to add: "This team is good enough for us to lose to and we have to understand that." Was...that a compliment? Or not? I mean, a hole is hole-like enough for me to fall into, but what does that even mean? Never mind. I'll just go back to sniffing glue now.

Fun fact: Boozer's performance was the first 20-20 playoff game by a Jazz player since Karl Malone had 32 points and 20 rebounds against the Lakers in 1997.

We are all witnesses...to an alien invasion! The Martians have struck again. This time, they kidnapped our King and replaced him with a near-to-exact duplicate. It looks like LeBron James. It rumbles through the paint like LeBron James. It probably even cries like LeBron James. They only thing our soon-to-be space overlords forgot was to turn the doppelganger's basketball dial up to 11. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that The Chosen One suddenly forgot how to play basketball? Nice try, Zi'Zhizhipheq of Thooq. But we humans didn't evolve from ocean sludge yesterday, you know. We'll be sending Bruce Willis to kick your space butts now. Yippee ki-yay, you green bastards.

Okay, if we aren't involved in a secret intergalactic war, can somebody tell me WTF is going on? LeBron followed up his worst-ever performance in Game 1 with a "better" performance that was almost equally dreadful: 6-for-24 from the field, 0-for-4 from beyond the arc, 5 rebounds, 6 assists and 7 turnovers. The good news: He did manage to score a game-high 21 points. The bad news: The Cavaliers didn't even come close to winning this time, losing 89-73 to the Celtics.

Things actually started out great for the King and his mates, as the Cavs ran out to a 21-11 lead. Then it was the Boston reserves to the rescue. With Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce watching from the bench, guys like Leon Powe (11 points, 7 rebounds), Sam Cassell (9 points, 3 assists) and P.J. Brown stepped up and made a run to get the Celtics back into the game. And then there was James Posey (7 points, 6 rebounds, 3 steals), who's numbers can't quantify the killer defense he played on Space LeBron.

Oh, and Pierce (19 points, 6 rebounds), Allen (16 points) and KG (13 points, 12 boards) were okay, too.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas (19 points, 9-for-12, 5 rebounds) continues to be Cleveland's best player, which might mean he got nabbed by the Green Menace as well. But Wally Szczerbiak (4-for-11) and Delonte West (1-for-5, 5 assists) seem like their old selves. So maybe I'm just overreacting.

FYI: Ben Wallace almost collapsed on his way to the bench less than four minutes into the game and had to be taken to the locker room. Big Ben said it was just dizziness caused by allergies. So yeah, he's just allergic...to aliens!! Cavaliers spokesperson Tad Carper — nice name, huh? — said that Wallace will be re-evaluated when the team returns to Cleveland.

They ain't dead yet, apparently. The Spurs used that age-old formula of Physical Defense + Hitting Shots to get back into their second-round series against the Hornets. And their 110-99 win signifies, if nothing else, that the defending champs won't get swept out of the playoffs.

How'd San Antonio do it? Chris Paul has an idea: "They made a lot more shots." So sayeth the Lord of Obvious.

Manu Ginobili, now a starter, scored 31 points — as I predicted, by the way — and Tony Parker added another 31 to go along with his 11 assists and annoying Frenchiness. Tim Duncan had 16 points and 13 boards, but he really didn't get his groove back until the refs tagged Tyson Chandler (12 points, 8 rebounds) with a few quick third-quarter fouls that sent the big man directly to the bench without passing "Go" or collecting $200.

Paul (35 points, 9 assists) and David West (23 points, 12 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) went crazy-insane on the Spurs, but Bruce Bowen did everything but put Peja Stojakovic into a figure-four leg lock, holding the Bomber from Belgrade to only 8 points on 2-for-7 shooting. So, you know, that worked.

So remember, never underestimate the heart of a blah, blah, blah. Game 4 is on Sunday.

Fun fact: Jacque Vaughn and Robert Horry each collected one mario last night.

That was just so Hollywood. Kobe