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Fourth Quarter

:16.7 — You ordered your Game 5 medium-well? Then I do believe the game has been cooked to perfection and is on its way to the dinner table. Do you need anything else? Wet naps? Ketchup?

:24.8 — The rarest of animals! Three missed free throws by Derek Fisher tonight. Don't get too close, it might scurry away. One of two goes in, and it's 100-95 Lakers.

:26.8 — Oof. What I'd like to see is a FG percentage chart of tip rebounds for the Celtics. Lakers ball with a four-point lead.

:37.4 — Just when things were looking Boston-y, Bryant strips the ball, gets it back on the outlet pass, and makes a "0-foot basketball shot," known in non-Euclidean scientist jargon as a "slamming dunk."

1:14 — Or not? Paul Pierce knocks down a tandem of free shots, and he's got 38 points. Lakers lead by two.

1:37 — An offensive board on the LA side. Even more probable still.

2:02 — With a four-point lead, the Lakers coyly allow about 17 offensive rebounds, but none of the tip-ins connect. A Game 6 looks very probable.

2:31 — There's ten minutes left in Father's Day, and I still haven't gotten him anything yet, so part of that gift will be sharing the IM he just typed to me: "the aerial coverage by Goodyear adds a special dimension to this basketball game."

Here's an idea. If this game's tied after 48, rather than play overtime, they should just play another regulation game immediately after the U.S. Open.

3:31 — In a five-second span, both Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett collect their fifth fouls. Which means Chris Mihm found a way to channel his spirit into the Celtics defense. I guess when you spend so much time on the bench, mastery of the metaphysical is only common sense.

4:33 — So the game begins. Garnett's jump shot ties the game at 90.

6:22 — Luke Walton defended Paul Pierce like he was the second-to-last guy still alive in the Rollerball championship. He basically ran at him, reached in, and fell to the ground. That's his fifth foul.

8:19 — Needs to be said again: Sasha Vujacic, stop taking shots.

8:35 — Sasha Vujacic, who should probably stop shooting the basketball, gets his own rebound, holds a jump ball with Sam Cassell, then remembers that commercial where the pick-up basketball players dive into the "water." Unfortunately, this particular court's hardwood is made of hard wood, and commercials are not real, so he just looked like a doofus flopping to the ground.

9:03 — Luke Walton extends the lead to 14, and there's Bill Walton smiling. And I mean smiling. Either he has two sets of teeth, or they caught him with a mouth full of Altoids.

10:17 — So, who had Jordan Farmar going off for a little burst of scoring?

11:03 — Lamar Odom is getting it all wrong. They're supposed to let Boston begin the quarter with a run.

Third Quarter

:03.1 — Ah, the formulaic story of the quarter. Pass, pass, miss. Pass, pass, miss. Pass, pass, tip, strip, pass, miss, tip, tip, tip, out of bounds, NBA Finals on ABC.

:37.4 — Eddie House's outlet pass crisply meets the scorer's table. Even though the scoring officails were open, they absolutely suck at shooting form there. Plus, they were standing out of bounds.

1:48 — Ray Allen misses about four shots in a row. But I still hold the world record.

3:36 — Eddie House's neck is bleeding, and yet nobody suspects Al Davis?

5:00 — And we finally have a run. Los Angeles is now up 71-64, and Boston takes a timeout. I guess with all these miraculous comebacks, you basically want to see someone build a lead and see if they can hold it.

5:17 — Okay, damn. Derek Fisher's glass-banking basket while being fouled was pretty sweet. Almost makes me want to praise the third quarter.

6:20 — Why did they make a PS3 video game based off the movie Delta Farce and name it Battlefield: Bad Company?

8:23 — This is what you call competitive, even-handed, basketball. Good defense, good offense, everybody's scoring, nobody's making a run, and it's a close game. In other words, your garden variety blasé third quarter of an NBA game. Would it be all right with everyone if I just wrote a dissertation on Mega Man until two minutes remaining in the fourth quarter?

10:26 — After precisely 47 offensive rebounds, a Ray Allen jumper finally ties the game.

So we were graced with a halftime special about how Bill Walton loves his son Luke. It'd be more intriguing if it was a feature about Chris Mihm's father disowning him after that inbounds pass. But that's why I'm not a TV producer.

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Halftime Entertainment

Second Quarter

:00.000,0*0^0 — These games go a lot faster during a live blog, it seems.

:57.2 — A lot of running around, colliding, and breath-catching without any points being scored. They could have saved their energy and just played Uncle Wiggily for a couple minutes. Remember Uncle Wiggily?

4:03 — I like the sneak peek into the coaching huddle. You can see Doc Rivers is actually doing coaching things, drawing coaching plays. Phil Jackson merely said something along the line of, "Do what I already told you to do. And you will score points." Basically, he already did his coaching.

4:25 — Sam Cassell is not going to get any points by shooting the ball through the hoop. Boston should realize this by now.

5:44 — An advertisement for the NBA Finals is not necessary when it's aired during ... the NBA Finals. See, we're already kind of sold on this whole idea.

6:41 — That lead was 19 at one point, right? Well, hey, now it's four. A 3-point bucket puts the Lakers lead at 43-39.

6:50 — So there you have a missed call. The ball went out of bounds off PJ Brown, but it still is part of the Celtics deed. Although it wasn't Dick Bavetta's notarized signature on that whistle.

7:37 — Kevin Garnett now has three fouls. It's time for evasive maneuvers. Kevin McHale has agreed to acquire two of those fouls in exchange for their 2009 first round draft pick and Chris Gatling.

9:14 — I'm not sure if I'm sold on this Opportunity Knocks TV show. A reality-style show where they come to your house and build a game show studio? Weaksauce. Hey, I have an idea for a reality TV show. A game show host knocks on someone's door, and murders the entire family. Then they steal everything, then invite their friends over and assume the family's identity, maxing out credit cards and having the old family's friends over for dinner parties. I call the show: The Aristocrats!

9:21 — Chris Mihm inbounds to Tony Allen. Even Tony Allen's own team doesn't inbound to Tony Allen.

10:12 — James Posey, fighting for a rebound, falls into the second row of people sitting on the floor. That's a pretty bad lie, but I think Lee Westwood can punch it out of there and save par.

10:54 — Hey, that sounds like a good plan. Instead of, in Game 4, you let the Celtics back in the game, perhaps the Lakers should just hold the lead and continue scoring. Innovative basketball thinking!

11:43 — The announcing team is visibly shaken when they see Chris Mihm in the game.

First Quarter

:00.9 — A PJ Brown goaltend call puts in the first quarter lead at 17 points. All of you with parlays of that nature, please collect your winnings at your local Minutiae Caesar's.

:28.9 — The Lakers are putting the end of the quarter on cruise control, and yet Sasha Vujacic and Jordan Farmar continue to push that lead up into the medium-to-high teens, which means this lead is legally fuckable in some states and not others.

1:08 — PJ Brown checks into the game. So you have 12 guys on a roster, and a couple of retired numbers. And PJ Brown goes for 93. He's not a defensive lineman. He's not a NASCAR Nationwide driver. Why the hell 93?

3:31 — Van Gundy: "Do you need to chant 'MVP' after a guy already won it?" Yes, when as Lakers fans you need mental reminders to determine if this is a night you like Kobe Bryant or not. Moreover, chants of "BRING BACK SHAQ" will help the fans pine for the days of yore.

6:13 — Paul Pierce makes a basket, but it's still 18-7 in favor of the Lakers. I have no past evidence to tell me whether or not the Celtics can overcome such a bad first quarter deficit.

7:10 — For all the tech issues going on today, I will say this: the live blogging is several centuries faster than it was last time. The updates are almost instantaneously hitting the page. Such as this update. And this one. Poop. [waves hand in front of server, giggles uncontrollably.]

7:52 — Rajan Rondo cuts through defenders to take a lay-u... or not! That's the pass-first, crochet-second, upholster-third, shoot-fourth mentality. The ensuing shot is missed.

9:43 — Derek Fisher gets fouled directly into a cameraman. Ouch. This is like when I pushed a kid at recess into another kid, yet I get in trouble. Sure, I'll take blame for the first contact, but after that it was out of my control. Blame inertia, Mrs. McCloskey.

10:04 — Oh, yeah. Dick Bavetta is officiating this game. This'll be good.

10:43 — The Lakers, playing by American Gladiators "Eliminator" rules, get a minute-and-a-half headstart in the game, and jump to a 5-0 lead. I'm sure Boston will show up at some point.